May We Meet Again
by CrazyRach
Summary: Lexa betrayed Clarke and abandoned her when her people needed the grounders most. With the weight of her actions in the mountain heavy on her mind and heart Clarke disappears. And now all of earth is after her for power. Lexa wants Clarke for another reason. But Clarke isn't ready to forgive her yet. Season 3 canon and extras into original *spoilers!* Duo POV. Clexa.
1. Chapter 1

_**Yo! Another new fandom! Go me!**_

 _ **So I binged the 100 yesterday, talk about awesome. I've been reading the books but boy, you gotta love the onscreen stuff. Honestly I can't wait for tonight for the new episode. So post episode withdrawals gave me this story. It'll be two povs, Clarke and Lexa. I have no idea where I'm taking it yet, I write as I go. For now we're following canon but we will diverge eventually.**_

 _ **Reviews are welcome.**_

 _ **This chapter was inspired a little by One Man Town by Elmore. I say inspired- I just discovered and love the song. But it works with Clexa! Pass it on people! :)**_

* * *

 _ **Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things...**_

* * *

 _ **Clarke.**_

 _Dishonest green eyes locked with my own. Shining bright in contrast to all her war paint and the blood covering her face. She didn't look at all guilty. Not like she should. Her eyes just looked open and bare. No emotion in them at all._

 _"What about the prisoners from the Ark? They'll all be killed" I told her trying to force the weight of what she'd done into her sight so she'd feel what I was feeling. But i knew i was kidding myself there. Lexa wasn't an emotional person at all,_

 _"But you don't care about that, do you?" I added harshly._

 _Lexa didn't even hesitate her response._

 _"I do care, Clarke. But I made this choice with my head and not my heart. The duty to protect my people comes first"_

 _I shook my head at her, throwing her reasoning away. I took a step forward towards her, pleading desperately, "Please, dont do this" I whispered._

 _In her eyes it looked like she wanted to help. But the rest of her remained stoic and unmoving. She took a breath and I held my own half in hope she'd change her mind. But she didn't._

 _"Im sorry, Clarke"_

 _No, I thought sadly, you're not._

 _I took a step back. And I watched as all our plans came undone. Weeks of planning, so many lives lost and bellamys sacrifice, and for what? She'd lied to me to bargain her way out of this war. Under the skin of it all it was clear to me now that she'd always known her people would lose. She just needed me to get her close enough to the mountain men to make a deal._

 _I felt so used._

 _Lincoln moved quickly around me, saying words I couldn't hear as the large army behind me retreated with their released brethren. He tried to negotiate with her, tried to get her to see sense. And when that didn't work he begged that he be allowed to stay behind and help us. But she refused to hear him, telling him coldly that her precious deal meant all her warriors had to retreat, including him._

 _Lincoln started talking again but it was a warbled mess in my ears. I was frozen watching lexa, begging her to help us with my eyes on hers. Begging her to stay. To see this through. The war and us. But I knew the commander wouldnt give in to her feelings, even if the girl inside wanted to. She had her people to think about. And somewhere inside me, on some level, I knew she was right in her decision. But I was too hurt by her betrayal to consider it fully right now. Her people would go home and be safe. Mine would die inside that mountain tonight._

 _Lincoln begged her again to be allowed to help, desperate to save Octavia and our people because he knew that an alliance between the sky and tree people was the only way they could be together._ _But Lexa wouldn't allow it. She couldn't have one of her own turning against her with her entire army stood watching. It would make her weak and questionable as a leader. And that was something Lexa feared the most in this world._

 _He stared down at her. And I could tell what he was planning. He was going to ignore his commander and do what he thought was right, he was thinking with his heart like she hated. So she had him arrested for it._

 _"Take him" She commanded harshly, her eyes glaring at him powerfully. She_ _looked away to me briefly and a couple of her guard walked around her to Lincoln. His shoulders sagged and his expression dropped in surrender. It was clear then that there was no talking with her. She'd made up her mind. And nobody would change it._

 _I watched on surprised when he suddenly started to fight them off. Even Lexa looked impressed behind her cold look for him. Lincoln knocked the two warriors to the ground and paused for breath, eyes darting behind him past the army towards the mines Octavia was currently walking through. He would have run right then. Would have run and together they'd take down the mountain. We all knew it. But a slight tilt of the head from Lexa had another warrior striding quickly over to hit him over the head with the butt of his axe._

 _Lincoln fell._

 _And with him my last hope of grounder help in this._

 _I looked forward as they hauled Lincoln away and I locked gazes with her. Her eyes never left mine but that didn't mean I could tell what she was thinking. She could be feeling sorry for me and my kind. She could be laughing. I couldn't tell. Because lexa always made it hard to know her. In any situation._

 _But I knew what I was thinking. I was mad, justifiably enraged. She'd betrayed us. The alliance. My people._

 _And me. She'd betrayed me._

 _I think that hurt the worse._

 _I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to hurt her. For everything she'd done and was continuing to do. After her admitting love isn't weakness I thought we'd passed a hurdle. But no. She tricked me. She manipulated my feelings to get what she needed from me. I didn't know why I ever trusted her. Octavia was right. They all were. Lexa wasn't an ally. Lexa was the enemy._

 _Her guards people whispered to her and she moved her hand. They all started to leave. All but her and Ryder who stayed protective by her right side. She stayed standing tall and deadly and still, and her eyes glowed with something that looked like remorse for me. But then it was gone again and she looked expressionless. She never looked away from me as she started to back away with her people. And for what it was worth I hoped deep inside it pained her to see what else she'd broken with her betrayal tonight._

 _I saw her jaw clench a little, lips purse slightly, eyes taking me in as if it were the last time. My heart shuddered to wonder it if was. Lexa's face twitched for a milli-second before she regained her control and whispered to me,_

 _'May we meet again'_

* * *

I startled awake with her voice ringing the words clear in my ears as if she'd whispered them fresh beside me.

In a burst of panic I lurched up from the cold ground, knife laid ready against my wrist prepared to kill the traitor who had woken me. But my strong swing fell empty against the open air.

She wasn't here. Nobody was here. Just me.

 _Always me._

I looked around myself and told my heart to calm the fuck down already. I was embarrassed and frustrated with waking up to yet another nightmare, but even more so I was embarrassed with the tinge of hope melting to a calm within my heartbeat. I didn't want it. I didn't want to keep dreaming about her and I sure as hell didn't want to wake up to her. Lexa had betrayed me and my people to save herself and hers. The last thing on my mind right now was a happy reunion.

 _Sure...,_ my heart mocked around its frantic rhythm. Annoyingly it still lived in hope like that.

I slipped the knife back into its sheath on my belt and stood up. My body ached and my legs trembled from holding me up straight. Sleeping rough and barely eating was taking a terrible toll on me.

I looked down and gathered up my rucksack. My eyes caught on the damp patch sticking to the fabric. I looked away to the grass and groaned. The ground was wet, as were my clothes. It must have rained through the night without me noticing. Good thing, it covered my tracks and scent. Bad thing, I was fucking soaked.

"Great" I growled beneath my breath.

I glared moodily at the ground and began making my way north, backtracking myself to the traps I'd lain yesterday afternoon. I needed them to have caught something through the night, even though I knew the chances were incredibly slim. My supplies were running low again and I was hungry. Three months alone in the woods had taught me grounder rule number one; without a kill you can't trade. And if you can't trade or find a food in the woods you don't eat. Simple. And frustrating.

As I expected the first traps were empty. The rain had made the ground sink around the peg line, rendering it useless. Nothing would walk into that, and even if it did it wouldn't get trapped anyway. I tried my hardest not to think about how my entire day setting traps around the woods was definitely wasted time.

Moving on to the second lot I found nothing again. Just soggy rope and ruined knots. Like somebody had come across it and taken the kill. I fingered the torn cords in the ropes. It was definitely knife work.

I sighed and pulled them apart, remembering to pocket anything salvageable. Growing up on the Ark I was always taught not waste anything because I never knew when i'd need it. Everything was recyclable.

 _One man's trash,_ I thought with a sad smile to my dad's old saying. I still had no idea what he'd been talking about.

I stood when I'd collected everything and looked about myself. Everything looked bare and untouched. It was nice and calm somehow, devoid of the terror and blood that used to flood the woods. I wondered as my eyes searched about if the rest of the world looked this way now. If it was finally at peace with itself.

But then I saw a flash of color in the leaves up ahead and I noticed a tree marked with a white handprint.

 _Ice nation._

I grabbed my things and started my way to my other traps. I didn't trust I was alone in the woods. I'd heard the rumours on the road. Everybody was after me. Everybody wanted Wanheda. I could maybe talk my way out of trouble with the tree clans. But I knew from Lexa's stories that the Ice Nation weren't so negotiable. They'd kill me on sight if they believed it would give them power.

The third trap I'd set was like the first two but the fourth had managed to snare a baby hare. Nothing worth much but enough to trade for a bandage at least.

I knelt beside the hare. I felt a deep pang of guilt at its heaving chest. It'd struggled itself through the night into exhaustion.

"Hey, it's okay" I soothed stroking its wet fur. I marvelled at the soft texture of its pelt. I'd always thought hares had corse fur but it felt like silk under my hands.

Its eyes blinked slowly up at me as I stroked a hand down its shivering body. It's nose twitched innocently and I watched my hands shaking as I rose them to take hold of its neck.

"I'm sorry" I told it, crying a little as I pushed down on its feeble struggles to get away. I didn't want to hurt it. I didn't want to end its life. Because I'd honestly done too much of that already.

It was then I realised I wasn't crying about the hare but all the innocent mountain people I'd murdered.

"I'm sorry" I repeated sniffling some more. I thought maybe if I said it enough times then maybe all the people I'd killed would forgive me. It was foolish hope anyway.

 _If you need forgiveness I can give that to you. You're forgiven.._

Bellamy's words swam through me, deep with hope and worry and everything that screamed fear for me. I did want forgiveness. I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to have the judgement of 381 innocent lives considered and punished into me so I might gain some form of redemption for what I'd done. But Bellamy couldn't give that to me. No matter how much we wish he could. Only I could give myself that freedom. And I knew I would never be deserving of it.

 _Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things,_ his voice whispered jarring my thoughts again. I wasn't too sure anymore that he was right.

"Maybe there are no good guys..." I mumbled to myself, thinking hard back to that day in the mountain. My mom had said it to me to comfort the hysterical guilt she could see inside me. But maybe she'd been right. I'd believed we were the good guys. Us and the grounders. Because we had just been trying to save our people. But we couldn't be. Not with all the things we'd done. I realised that now.

Doing bad stuff for the sake of a good act doesn't make you the good guy. In fact it made you worse than the bad guy.

 _There are no good guys_ , my heart bumped and my head ached. I felt so much pain over what I'd done. I didn't know how to stop it anymore.

My hands jerked suddenly, bringing me out of my dead thoughts. I looked down at the animal under my grip and immediately released my hold over it. It hopped up frantic and tried to run away, only the rope around its leg was still pegged to the ground. The hare tripped over itself and continued to struggle. And it pained me to watch it.

"Hang on a second" I told it rushing to my thigh for my other knife. I slid it out and cut the rope at the hare's foot. It looked down as if puzzled by the gesture before it sprinted away. Probably back to its mother.

Lucky you, I thought watching it go.

I collapsed down onto my back after and glared up at the sky. I felt sore and aching. My heart was shuddering in my chest as if a heavy weight was crushing down on it. And though I tried to breathe calmly to remove myself of the torture, I just couldn't. Tears built up behind my eyes but I knew they wouldn't fall. I was denied the release of crying now. I would carry my actions forever.

"C'mon, Clarke" I muttered at myself, "Get your shit together"

I hauled myself up and wiped my sleeve across my eyes before hardening my expression again. I pushed on to the fifth trap some miles away. The walk was good for my head. It calmed me out of my conscience for a while and allowed me some space to breathe. I hated being trapped inside myself.

* * *

I stopped off at the trading post a couple miles from my trap in hopes of getting some water. There wasn't another stream around for a while and Niylah was always kind enough to give me small freebies. Her dad on the other hand wasn't so compassionate.

" _Come back when you have something worth trading!"_ he growled at me pointing me out the door.

I shouldered my bag and walked out. It was too early to start fights with grounders today. I made off up the road, stopping when somebody called to me. Niylah was grinning when I walked back to her.

 _"Here"_ she held a bottle out to me, _"Sorry about my father. He's always moody when it comes to empty trade"_

 _"I figured"_ I took the bottle and gave her a smile, _"Thanks"_

" _No problem. Just promise me you'll come by with your next kills, hunter-girl"_

I smiled wryly at the nickname and nodded, " _Don't worry. I'll be back"_

Niyah touched my sleeve a moment before turning back into the post. I watched her go with a small smile. She was too nice to me. And much more nicer than I deserved. If she knew who I really was she'd probably kill me like everyone else.

 _And I'd probably welcome it,_ I sighed.

I turned and continued my walk. I had to dodge in and out of trees anytime I heard a horse or men's voices echoing through the wood. With such a high bounty on my head I couldn't afford to be caught. I'd already earned myself enough new scars from evading bounty hunters.

It was nearly noon by the time I made it to my last stop. The trap was empty too but animal prints near it gave me hope there was something worth the trip here after all. After foraging for some berries to eat I made my way after the prints and tracked the animal back south towards the ruins of TonDC. Though mostly destroyed i knew the remaining villagers were slowly rebuilding. It was too important a place to allow time to be its only occupant. They would rebuild and resume. Just like everybody else on earth.

 _Everybody except me._

I stuck to the edges of the forest surrounding the village. I could hear the construction work taking place within the walls and i could see warriors standing idly around talking. I wondered briefly if she was here. If she'd returned to oversee the rebuilding of her war capital or if she'd returned to Polis like she'd promised she would once the war was over. I hardened my heart to the thoughts. Lexa may be in the village, she may be so so close, but she would always remain so far away to me for what she'd done to me and my people. Always. I promised myself that.

My footsteps lightly gained ground again as I forced myself to tiptoe across the tree line by the village gates. One grounder lurched to his feet as I whipped behind a tree but he soon sat back down as if he thought his mind was playing tricks on him. I swallowed scared and allowed myself to breath deep breaths before continuing. Part of me was screaming to turn back and return to Niylah for food. It made me nervous being so close to the grounders but at the same time I had to hunt. I was too stubborn and proud to beg for food.

So I marched on cautiously, always looking around myself for hidden warriors waiting ready for attack. I knew I could hold my own against the grounders now but I didn't want to fight unless absolutely necessary. I'd taken enough life.

I carried on tracking the animal hours outside TonDC, one thought propelling me forward away from the village.

 _If I have any luck left in this world, there will be a kill waiting for me._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Forgot to mention, italics mean a character is speaking in Trigedasleng. Thats right, I'm too lazy to use a translator for this but at least ya'll know what I'm saying. Also the spelling of names is going to differ depending on whose pov it is. Enjoy! Music for today is The Wolves by Ben Howard.**_

* * *

 _ **The living are hungry...**_

* * *

 _ **Lexa.**_

" _Commander-"_

I raised my hand to my guard and shook my head. He was nervous. He didn't like being so close to the mountain. _'Bad spirits walk here_ ' he'd warned. But I didn't fear spirits.

I ignored his impatience and pulled my dagger out. His breath caught a little like he hoped I'd finally given in and would be ending all this. I turned and gave him a strong look. _Stay,_ it said. His eyes fell to the ground and he backed up a step. I walked past him and edged my way around the tall tree we'd hidden behind and along the edge of the mound of rocks beside it. It'd once been some form of building structure, one that rose in levels. For what I didn't know. But it hardly mattered now. The bombs and radiation had caused the stone to crack and collapse, breaking some of the levels in two in some places, and the ground to rise up through it with the years. We stood on one half of a level. And I needed to get across to the other side of the mound to scout the woods there.

He whispered a warning before I had a chance to leap across it and he pointed at a long branch above me to save the jump. I sheathed my dagger and reminded him I was the commander here, not him. I didn't need or request his advice. His head bowed ashamed and I turned back to my challenge. My eyes sought the right hold on the ledge opposite so that if I fell I could catch myself. When I located one that wouldn't result in a landslide under my weight I backed up for a running leap.

" _Commander_!" He hissed stopping me mid step. I turned to him furious but his pointing to the river below made me look down. Somebody was down there walking towards the water.

We both ducked out of sight and I crept closer to the edge. Peering down at the sun casting stars across the waters surface my breath caught. I recognised the woman walking along the waters edge.

"Wanheda!" he whispered crouching beside me. I nodded, " _I will catch her for you_ " he began to rise but I grabbed his arm and yanked him back down.

" _You think I cannot catch a powerful being myself, Ada_?"

"N-no. I-I just-"

" _Be quiet_ " I growled leaning up a little to watch the young woman below. I watched her stare at the water, her face seemed masked into a hard line of thought. Something wasn't right. She didn't look like herself. Months alone in the woods would of course change her but something about her appearance was off. She looked older. And smaller. Like the weight of the world was bearing down on her.

" _Her hair_ " he said watching my confusion. I shook my features straight, annoyed I'd let my composure slip. I nodded at him.

 _"She must have dyed it somehow"_ I wondered aloud.

My fingers played with the hilt of my dagger while I watched her walk to the water and kneel to drink from it, all awhile I was resisting the strong urge to leap down there and speak with her. My heart swelled at the sight of her. After all these months wondering if she was even still alive I was more than relieved to see she was still stubborn enough to stay living. Like I knew she would. My eyes wandered about after her and I wondered if Indra was close nearby. Surely she'd have tracked the girl back here. I scanned the trees below looking for the general. I was confused for her absence and even more confused from thinking why the woman below was this close to TonDc. I thought she was smarter than that.

 _Unless..._

I clenched my jaw and shook the hopeful thoughts away. Feeling hope for her presence here was not good for or welcomed in my mind. I would be stronger than that.

 _"Trading post"_ Ada grunted bringing my attention back again. His arm was raised and his hand was pointing to a slip of pelt tucked across wanheda's waist, " _Only Niylah colors her pelts blue" He said staring intently at them, " She must have given her the red dye for her hair"_

I nodded, pleased with his observations. He asked me what I intended to do with her. I gave it a moments thought before I nodded back down the track to where our horses were tied up.

" _You must return to TonDC. I need to know if any of the sky people have tried to make contact yet. And send horses to seek out Indra. I must speak with her"_

His face screamed disapproval, "But you-"

"Can handle myself, Ada" He backed up under my glare and bowed, " _Go_ " I added softly.

I waited for his footfalls to disappear entirely before I pulled myself up and walked the edge of the rock levels. I knew Ada wouldn't disobey me by returning. So I was free to carry on tracking the woman below until Indra arrived to explain why her commander was doing her task for her.

I climbed swiftly down and followed her a ways, always keeping myself to the trees in case she glanced up. I couldnt afford to spook her away. My breathing turned shallow as I studied her. Her body was visibly shaking. She must be tired. Maybe that was why she had come so close to the village. Maybe she didn't understand where she was. She looked to be struggling to carry on, her fingers on her right hand clenched tight and pale around her rucksack strap. I worried watching her walk. She looked like she might collapse any moment. And yet, somehow, at the same time she was still moving so agiley across the ground. Almost as if she was floating above it. My heart bumped questioningly in my chest with every step she took. She moved with such extra caution now, with such grounder spirit. It made me proud in a way.

Wanheda kept to the river bank for a few miles before turning into the woods again. Fear of losing sight of her pushed me out of my hiding place and into running swiftly after her. But when I entered the woods in her steps I saw nobody. I frowned to myself. Nobody could disappear that quick with leaving a trail. Not without some dark magic aiding them.

I stopped and listened hard to my surroundings. Nothing. Just the calm in the wood. I raised my hand to my back to take out my sword. A branch snapped somewhere ahead of me as my fingers grasped it. I forgot the sword and released my dagger. I held it against my wrist and raised my left arm across myself ready to intercept an attack if needed.

I made my way slowly to where the noise had come from. I made no sound as I walked over broken twigs and fallen leaves. I was too seasoned a warrior to let something as silly as footsteps get me caught.

I could hear running water up ahead, a stream probably. I knew the river cut through the forest this way. I carried on towards the sound. Maybe wanheda had stopped to drink again.

I crouched when I reached the deserted riverbed and touched the flattened grass at the waters edge. A woman had knelt here. And from the warmth of the ground, not too long ago. I smiled to myself and made to stand. This was too easy.

I took a step forward to follow her tracks but stopped sharply when a twig snapped behind me. My head tilted a little towards the noise and I heard more twigs snapping. Somebody was walking towards me.

I tensed slowly and took a long breath as I raised my hand back to retrieve my sword. Slowly it came out of its sheath and I held it strongly in my right hand. If they didn't see the threat and back off they would feel it's bite in their flesh today.

I clenched my jaw tight and counted to three in my head before I swung around with a high cry as I swept out at them.

I fell short when I saw nobody was there. My eyes scanned the woods. I didn't trust I was alone here. Everybody was hunting wanheda. Nowhere was empty these days.

I listened hard for a moment, trying to catch signs of life in the woods around me. I relaxed annoyed when a rabbit hopped towards me. An animal. I'd been caught by an animal.

I lowered my sword and pulled my dagger out of my belt. I threw it fast at the rabbit, catching it in the side. Payment for its startling me into being weak. It writhed on the floor squealing in pain and I strode over to it and bent down, dropping the sword to grip its struggling twisted body in my hands.

I looked down at it and with no guilt at all told it, _"Your fight is over"_

I snapped its neck and threw its body to the ground. I stood up and looked around again. I couldn't see any signs of her. Somehow she'd completely vanished on me. And that wasn't something I enjoyed much. I thought about pursuing her. Maybe I'd find her within the day. I could take her back to Polis and we could sort all this mess out.

 _I made this choice with my head and not my heart.._

I clenched my jaw and bent down for my sword. I knew the truth. I couldn't waste time tracking her down. I had my people to care for. As commander their safety would always come before my heart. Because theirs I valued more.

I cast one last search around the woods before I turned on my heel and walked back to the river. My men flanked me as soon as I reached the edge of the woods and walked with me back to TonDc. We arrived before noon and I was greeted with happy smiles and excitement for my visit. I smiled at my people and allowed the children to rush around me in their laughter before I slipped out of the crowd to Indra's Tent, which would be mine for the next few hours.

"Hio" I called from inside.

She walked into the tent as I slipped my sword off my back. I held it out to her with orders to have it taken to the blacksmith. She took it in her hands and nodded.

 _"Make sure its sharp"_ I told her with a steel look. She nodded again and left the tent. Ada walked in after her. He looked about the tent, a slight frown for what he saw.

 _"What?"_ I sighed stripping my armour off.

 _"A commander staying in a general's tent. Its not very.. elegant"_

I looked at him, _"Would it not please you to stay in Indra's tent?"_ A retorical question. I knew he would leap at the chance to sleep in the tent of someone so high in my trust. He stumbled over a reply and I held in a smile as I stepped over and touched his shoulder.

 _"_ I was only joking. _But if this tent is good enough for one of my men, then it is certainly too good for me"_ He beamed at me, admiration shining in his eyes. I stood back and asked for his report.

 _"Indra was last seen near the eastern river village. I sent a few men to seek her out"_ I nodded and he continued, _"The men work hard to rebuild TonDc. They have already pulled up the old fences at the rear of the village and are working on clearing the space where your tent resides"_

I shook my head at him, _"Tell them to stop. I will have my people homed properly before an empty tent with my name on it stands again"_ He nodded and I told him to carry on. He hesitated though, _"What is it?" I asked weary._

" _Okteivia and Linkon_ " he let out a deep breath, " _They come and go as they please. At least, Okteivia does. The people are unsure where their allegiances lie"_

 _I brushed aside his concern, "Linkon was born to us. And Okteivia trained under Indra as her second. They are both tree people"_

 _"But they live with the sky people"_ he answered shortly.

I let out a tired breath. I understood the situation. With our allegiances with the sky people harmed, broken even, by my decision at the mountain, it was unclear yet whether we should fear attack from them for my betrayal on their leader. Anybody travelling between our two clans would look suspicious. I knew Linkon had everybody's interests at heart, and Okteivia was loyal to the bone for her grounder brethren. But I also knew their sympathy for the sky people was dangerous.

I nodded to Ada.

 _"Who visits the village the most?"_ I asked him, though I knew the answer already.

 _"Okteivia"_

I thought over how to handle this, and I hated how cruel I had to be. It wasn't fair on Oktevia.

 _"Send her away when she comes. And if Linkon comes in her stead, hold him"_

 _Ada blinked in shock, "Hold him? He's one of us!"_

 _"He chose a side, Ada, and it wasn't ours"_

I moved around him to leave the tent. He turned with me and looked me dead in the eye. Linkon's banishment seemed to sadden him. Like he was losing a brother. I swallowed the shame inside myself for causing such sadness.

 _"Maybe there are no sides"_ He told me, quickly leaving the tent before I could reply. He shouldn't have spoken to me like that, and on any other day I would have had him punished for it. But I had taken his friend away from him. Linkon wasn't dead but his banishment meant he might as well be. Ada would never speak to him again.

I let the warrior have his anger towards me and walked through the village to the stables where my horse was kept. The black stallion saw me coming and cantered up to the paddock tossing his head at me. I smiled and strode over to touch his nose.

 _"I think you must be the last spirit in this world that doesn't hate me"_ I told him stroking his head with a quiet chuckle at how his eyes drooped lazily in enjoyment. He tossed his head again and bumped it against my shoulder. I leant my head against his and let all the stress of the day out in one long deep breath.

 _"I hope she's okay"_ I whispered to him, smiling again in comfort when he nuzzled my shoulder.

 _"Commander?"_

 _I_ straightened up and moved away from the horse. Hio gave me an apologetic smile and told me my sword would be ready within the hour. I thanked her and patted my horse's neck.

 _"Saddle him for me. I leave for Polis before sunset"_

* * *

 **-Polis-**

 _"You sent for me, commander?"_

Indra walked in and kneeled at my feet, one hand on the floor the other on the hilt of her sword. I was surprised to see her so soon after my own arrival into the city. I studied her a moment. She looked weary and road worn. Her hurried arrival here had taken much strength from her.

"Yes" I continued playing with my dagger and nodded my head at the others in the room. They each left, giving me company to Indra alone. She looks worried for a moment. As if she knew what I would say.

 _"I wish to know why it is that my general, who promised me she would seek out and bring back Clarke of the sky people, has so far failed to achieve to do so_ " Her eyes darted along the floor in front of her and she took a moment to wet her lips to speak.

 _"Commander, I-"_

"Tell me, is it so hard to find one girl in the wilderness?" I cut in.

 _"She keeps herself well hidden, Commander. And she gains friends on her travels. Nobody I have met so far has claimed to have seen her"_

I looked away from her thoughtful. Clarke did have a very talented way with words. Still, words do not stop warriors.

" _Then tell me how it is that Ada and I saw her not ten hours ago outside of TonDC!"_ I snarled leaping up off my throne to stand angry in front of her.

Indra looked surprised. She glanced up at me once before tilting herself back onto her heels, showing her forfeit to my mercy. I simply glared down at her waiting for an answer.

"And is she here now?" She asked frowning at me. She got her answer when I didn't reply. Indra's expression fell blank again as she told me.

"I lost her trail east of the mountain not four days ago" she admitting, keeping my eyes as she spoke, "She went inside for two nights and-"

"She went inside?" I questioned sharply. What was Clarke thinking? Indra kept my gaze and nodded, " _Why?"_

 _"It seems the sky princess wished to revisit her demons_ " Indra's mouth hardened into a disapproving thin line and I knew she was thinking Clarke was weak for her decision to go back there. I waved Indra to her feet and returned to my throne, slumping into it with a hard frown.

"She seeks absolution.." I mumbled thinking up all the logical reasons for Clarke's stupidity.

" _She seeks a war!"_ Indra burst. I glanced back at her briefly and shook my head. I took up my dagger again and twirled the point against my finger as I muddled it over.

"She worked hard and sacrificed too much to seek a war with us, Indra"

The general shuffled on the spot before coming out with it, "She will seek revenge for what happened, Commander. For everything"

I stopped playing with my dagger and moved my eyes back to her. Was she trying to question my judgement back at the mountain? Was she truly offending my authority? I stared at her and she stared straight back.

 _"I saved my, our, people, Indra. A deal was the on_ ly way"

"And I respect that, Commander. I agree wholly with it. I only suggest that maybe the Clarke girl will seek repayment for..." She hesitated, "Other reasons"

Her eyes held mine steady. They shimmered with nervousness for my reaction. I felt a squirm of worry flash through me. Indra knew.

 _Of course she knew_ , I thought glaring against the panic setting inside me, _How could she not?_

 _"You imply too much, general_ " I spat standing again. She didn't move when I strode into her space, dagger in hand, and glared. She just waited patiently for my anger to decline.

I stepped away from her and called my guards in. Indra tensed a little, like she worried I was having her arrested. It gave me little satisfaction as I returned to my throne.

" _Yes, commander_ " the guard called bowing. I picked up my dagger again and began playing with it again. Indra was casting me an impatient look while I delayed answering my guard. It amused me to annoy her.

" _Send him in"_ I ordered keeping her gaze as the guard left and returned with our prisoner. Indra watched as he was brought in, her eyes widening in shock at his presence.

"I believe you know our guest" I said watching her turn to him with disgust on her face.

" _Ice nation scum!_ " she spat. I smiled to myself upon her reaction. Indra walked up to me with fire in her eyes, _"Why do you allow traitor blood inside our walls, commander?"_

"Prince Roan came here of his own accord. An emissary from his mother, the queen"

"Then why are his hands tied?" She growled annoyed with my games. Clearly she knew I had an ulterior motive for his captivity.

The prince coughed for our attention and smiled at us when we gave it, "I come for release" he told her. He bent down to one knee and claimed my eyes, " _I beg you, great commander, release me of my banishment"_

Indra's eyes widened at his words, _"You seek refuge in our capital because your own have banished you?!_ " She drew her sword and stomped towards him furious, _"I should kill you myself for insulting our commander, you shameless piece of-"_

" _Indra!_ " I shouted, "Step away from him" I ordered standing up myself when she didn't move, _"Now"_

I caught his smirk as she backed away, sword still in hand. And it looked terrible against his newly bruised features. Indra paced up and down a moment behind me before returning to my side again.

"If I am not granted my freedom to return to my clan as one of them... What do you want?" The prince asked watching me cautiously.

"I would like to know that too" Indra growled.

I cut a glance between them before I moved to him. I bent to his bonds and cut them free with my dagger. He frowned at the torn rope dangling from his wrists and then up at me, confusion swirling deep in his eyes.

"I have a task for you" I told him stepping back and stowing my dagger away into my belt. His eyes flashed intrigue and he slowly stood rubbing his sore wrists. Behind me I heard Indra take a protective step towards me.

"And what task is so lacking in importance that the great commander of clans needs my help?"

" _Watch your tongue, boy!_ " Indra snarled. I held my hand up and she silenced herself.

"You've heard Mount Weather has been toppled" I stated. He nodded.

"I heard some girl from the sky took it down while your great army fled like babes back to their mothers"

Indra made to move past me again but I grabbed her. I gave her a look to warn her arrest if she continued. She let out an angry breath and nodded at me. I looked down at her sword and she sheathed it reluctantly. Prince roan was grinning, happy with our reactions. My hands shook with my anger but I was quick to cover over it with a bored expression before I continued.

"It's true, the Mountain men are defeated. And yes, by a sky girl"

"Then she is the same one my mother hunts" he said thoughtfully. My heart froze, almost as if he'd thrown ice into it. His eyes flickered over my face and I knew my panic for Clarke's safety had crept into my features by the smile he gave me. Indra rushed to my side.

" _Commander-"_

 _"Be quiet"_ I ordered moving back to the window to think. My eyes scanned the streets below as I thought about her. I prayed she was still alive. Though I knew in my heart she was. Roan's mother would have sent a definite message had she caught Clarke. My anger returned thinking about it.

" _Commander,"_ Indra stepped quietly behind me, cautious so as not to anger me further, _"Let me leave at once to track Clark. If she was so close to TonDC maybe one of our men have-"_

I shook my head at her and she sighed at me, _"Leksa, please"_

I shot her a cold look and she refused to apologise for her familiarity. Her eyes softened and she gently gripped my wrist.

"I know what you fear, and with him here of all people. I know what haunts you. And yes, it will happen again if Clarke is not found"

I winced despite myself. I couldn't help imagining how it would happen.

 _A horse sent to the capital.._

 _A body dragged behind it._

 _A bloody bag tied to the saddle.._

 _An army marching behind._

 _Like Costia,_ my mind wept and then it raged into flames. I would not see that a second time.

 _"Not this time"_ I told Indra and turned back to the room and laid my orders down.

" _Indra,"_ She stepped up beside me, " _You will not return to TonDC. Instead you will go to the Ark. Her people should know_ " Indra nodded, " _And seek out Bellamy. If anybody can find her it will be him"_

 _Indra looked down at the prince, "And him?"_

I glanced back at him to. He was watching me carefully. His eyes were narrowed, his lips hitched a little like he was enjoying every second of my secret torment. Like he could see it.

 _"I will handle him"_ I told her, voice heavy with my harsh tone.

Indra bowed and with a last look of contempt for the prince swept out of the room. I knew she would be at the Ark within the day.

"And me?" Roan asked curiously.

"You will serve your purpose" I told him as I returned to my throne.

"As what?" He asked.

I considered him a moment. It would be all too easy to cut his throat and send him back to his mother that way. _Blood must have blood_. But I needed Clarke. So I needed him.

"Bounty hunter" I told him watching his face. He didn't seem surprised or confused. In fact his expression never changed. And I didn't trust that at all.

"You would send traitor scum after the sky princess? Why? Any of your warriors could do it, and more willingly"

"You will do it because you have nothing to lose" I told him strongly so he'd know if he failed to do as I commanded I would kill him. He watched me thoughtfully but I wasn't giving him a choice here.

"You want your banishment lifted so you might return to your mother? These are my terms. You'll track the sky princess down and you'll return her unharmed here to me"

"And if I don't?" He spat angrily. I smiled darkly at him.

"Then I will allow only part of you to return home to your mother. _Perhaps your head_ " I snarled the last bit and he straightened up with a smug smile I wanted to tear off his face.

The prince strode forward suddenly and the guards behind him warned him to stop. He ignored them though and carried on to the foot of my throne.

" _Those are my terms"_ I repeated tensing myself against his eventual attack. The prince met my eyes and surprised me by kneeling at my feet. He was submitting his agreement to my orders.

"Like you said," he sighed looking up at me, "I have nothing to lose"

I wanted to smile my victory. Instead I ordered my guards to escort him to the city perimeter. He looked back at me once as they directed him out of the room but I refused to let my feelings throw more warnings and threats his way. I needed him to be a tracker now. Filling a hopeless man with threats of death would not make him work any faster.

" _Eko"_ I called as their steps faded down the hall. She entered immediately with Monroh on her heels. They each nodded respectfully to me and waited for my order.

"Follow him"

They nodded and walked out with hardened expressions. If, _when_ , Roan found Clark, they could keep her safe should he feel the need to use her as leverage against me. It relieved me a little in knowing that.

I collapsed onto my throne once the room was emptied and let out a short breath. My worry returned while I thought about Clarke. I prayed she was safe. I prayed she came home soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**_I'm a music dork, expect music ; Thoughts by Michael Schulte._**

* * *

 ** _I am become death, destroyer of worlds..._**

* * *

 ** _Clarke._**

 _The bunker is quiet. Devoid of laughter, of happiness, of life. A cold silence hangs over it. As if it had always been this way._

 _A chill sits in the air. It creeps through everything and freezes it. Thoughts, bones. Blood. It's the sort of chill that warns you something bad happened here. Something terrible. The sort of chill that tells you to turn back now. But I don't._

 _I make my way up through the levels, sweeping entire floors as I go. Every room is searched. Every corner is checked. Every wall is seen. And I'm counting as I go. I'm making a list in my mind. A tally, of every man, woman and.. child..._

 _I make sure to look into their eyes if they're open. I make sure to note down exactly what they look like. From their hair to their shoes. Because I will remember them. All of them._

 _My people call out to me as I search. Just little unsure whispers of my name. As if they're as afraid as I am of waking up the people around us. They each take turns trying to rouse me. They say we need to leave. I don't listen. Because I don't need to leave until this is done. Until I've seen the result of my decision first hand. Because I refuse to let this become another act of war that I got away with. Because all these people, all these innocent mountain men and women, they never waged a war against us. They merely wanted to breathe and experience life._

 _They just wanted to live._

 _To exist._

 _To do more than just survive._

 _It was instead the acts of their leaders that ruined them. And I killed them all just to get to those leaders. To save my kind from pain and death. Because one man threatened my people, I exterminated an entire race. And all in the name of survival._

 _Tears are filling my eyes as I walk. I go slow, intentionally, so I won't miss a single detail. I build a portfolio in my mind of what happened in the last moments before the air turned toxic around them. A fallen chair here, a broken glass there. Struggles to breathe everywhere. I can still hear their screams from when the air had turned on them all suddenly and burned their flesh. It hasn't stopped since the second the alarms went off. Loud shrieks of agony, shrill cries of pain, scared screams from the children. They must have been terrified. All of them. To think they were safe only to have their lives taken in the worst of ways. By me._

 _I wish it had been different. I wish Cage would have listened. Because it didn't have to be this way. Nobody had to die._

 _But they did. All 300 of them._

 _I destroyed 300 worlds today. Just to save mine. It wasn't something I was about to forget._

 _My people finally managed to get through to me after hours of counting. My friends had been following and watching me carefully the entire time I was counting. Like they were scared I might hurt myself. As if that were even more possible now. They spoke quietly to me, like I was dreaming and they were trying to wake me up. They understood what I was doing but at the same time didn't see the need for it. They were safe. We were safe. Lingering wasn't something they thought necessary. Finally t_ _heir worried thoughts concerning my mother brought me back to reality and allowed them to usher me out of the mountain._

 _Walking away with my people I realised there would be no running from this. Just like I couldn't outrun all the people who had died at TonDC because of me. And the drop ship. And Finn.._

 _I couldn't stay. I just simply couldn't._

 _I lagged behind the others and slipped away, heading back to the mountain. Footsteps followed me and I knew it was Bellamy. We walked in silence back up to level 5. Back to the mass grave we'd created together._

 _"Clarke..." His voice was weighed down with emotion. He felt as guilty as I did._

 _I didn't respond to him. Just looked around the dining hall like a dead zombie. They should be buried. And their lives celebrated. I wanted to do that for them._

 _"We should go" he says to me reaching out for my hand. I jerk away from him and he whispers gently that its okay. I shake my head. It'll never be okay._

 _Bellamy takes a slow step forward to me again but stops and raises his gun when he hears harsh breathing gasping out to us. We both scan the room, both of us shocked somebody could still be alive in here. I feel us both hope for it to be true. Maybe one person living could redeem us in some way._

 _I knock Bellamy's gun down and stride quickly over to the corner where the vents were. A little boy no older than 8 was sat haunched up by the wall, choking for air. I looked around helplessly for some way to help him._

 _"The vents must have cleared out the poisoned air when Monty shut them off" I gasp in disbelief rushing to the boys side. He reaches a hand out for help and chokes on his own voice._

 _"Clarke.." Bellamy's voice was sad as I crouched beside the boy. He raises his gun and told me to move. He already knows there's nothing we can do._

 _"What are you doing?!" I cry at him in disbelief. His eyes find mine briefly before he sets the gun against his shoulder._

 _"Don't you dare!" I growl at him, shielding the boy with my body. Bellamy's eyes pleaded with me to end the boys suffering._

 _"Clarke, he's in pain"_

 _I feel myself start to sob. I know we cant save him._

 _"We can try something. Maybe.. Maybe take him to a different level or.."_

 _Bellamy starts shaking his head and avoids looking at me in favour of staring down at the floor._

 _"The other floors are contaminated now the door is open" he husks, wincing when the boy coughs harshly again._

 _"Help" he gasps at us._

 _I look around the room in a panic for something, anything, that could help. But listening to the boys breathing collapse down into a painful rasp makes me realise nothing could help him. He would die. One way or another. There was nothing I could do._

 _I take my hand away from his burnt small one, wrenching it right out of his tight grip. He cries out when it hurts and I have to shut myself off to his pleading when he cries out for his mother._

 _Bellamy swallows and takes a step forward with the gun but I stop him._

 _"Give it to me" I tell him, voice dying mid sentence. He looks at me then down at the boy._

 _"Clarke, I can do this" he says trying to save me. Like I can be saved._

 _"But you shouldn't have to" I whisper._

 _I reach up and pull the strap off his shoulder. He lets me have it and takes a step back._

 _I stand there above the boy, gun aimed at his head to make it a clean kill. My heart thunders in my ears and all I could hear again was the screaming from before. Everything in the room is still. And it feels like every dead person around us is watching me. Waiting for me to take another of them. Their last._

 _"Clarke" Bellamy can see me struggle to go through with it. He's already walking back to me, ready to take the shot for me. The boy has collapsed at my feet, chest shaking with his increasing struggle to breathe. He looks in so much pain. And I want to end it. For all of us. I want to end this pain._

 _My finger slips up the trigger. My hand shakes around the gun. I have to press it harder into my shoulder to steady the aim. The boy was watching me through teary eyes, the burns on his face growing redder the more air he breathed in. He was dying anyway. Just a lot more slower than needed. This was mercy. This was the final act of Clark Griffin the war leader from the sky. After today I knew I wouldn't be that again._

 _"I started this" I choked letting the gun lower a little. Bellamy strides forward for the gun again._

 _And I pulled the trigger.._

* * *

I lurched up and bit my lip to stop from screaming out. My body was wet with sweat. It made my shirt cling to my back. I felt clammy. Like I'd be sick. I bent over and breathed deeply in an out to stop the waves of nausea rolling over me. I gripped at the floor with my fingers, trying to find something solid and still so I could focus on it to stop myself being sick. My nails dug into the grooves of stones under me. But it didn't work.

I threw up with the memory of the little boy in the mountain flashing behind my eyes. He'd been so small. So young. So innocent. And I couldn't save him. Because I couldn't save anybody.

I whimpered at the pain in my chest and dragged myself away from the smell of my vomit to the other side of the room. I curled myself up into a ball, rocking backwards and forwards on my side while I silently tried to let the tears go. But of course I couldn't. The pain in my chest flared and expanded across my entire body, forcing my mind to go white with it. And I had to wonder if this is what it felt like to feel your soul break.

I closed my eyes and I continued to rock and whisper apologies under my breath. I could never get away from the nightmare. Every night I went through it. Every time i closed my eyes I saw them all. I recounted them every time. I knew exactly that I was responsible for the deaths of 182 men, 173 women and 26 kids. 43 of them had green eyes. 11 had red hair. 3 were barely a year old yet. And 1, a boy, lived longer than the rest before I killed him again.

I stayed there for what must have been hours, feeling nothing but the pain of what I'd done crash into me over and over again. Not getting up and not fighting it off because I deserved every second of hurt it threw into me. I'd killed them all. The least I could do was feel it.

I tried to remember my surroundings and how I'd gotten here. Around the pain I managed to recall flashes of myself walking away from the river. I'd walked quick knowing somebody was following me. And then later I'd given them the slip by running underground. I wasn't so sure about the grounder that tracked me. Any hunter worth their first season could track without losing their prey. So how had this one failed to find me? They could have caught me easy but instead they let me walk away. I didnt understand why. But then I wasnt about to complain. As long as they hadn't followed me here I was safe.

I looked around myself. I was laying on a cold hard stone floor in a large empty room. I tried to guess what it had been used for before a century ago before the bombs but I couldn't. Maybe it was another room like the one that now held that monster lexa and I had trapped. Hopefully it wasnt. I couldnt handle another round with one of those things. The room was dark though and that was a relief because it allowed me to think freely about everything.

I think I must have fallen asleep again sometime after that. I opened my eyes again to a lighter room and sleep heavy thoughts. I felt groggy and unbalanced again. I moaned softly to myself and dragged myself to my feet. I would keep moving today. Away from other people and after the animal prints from before. The grounder yesterday had pulled me off my hunt but I was certain I could pick up the trail again.

I knelt by my makeshift bed and peeled my jacket back on. I'd slept on it through the night making it warm to wear. Something I knew I'd need today. I pulled my hair out of my eyes and searched my rucksack. When I found the piece of paper I laid it out flat against the stone floor and studied the crude map I'd been drawing. My finger drew along it from the mountain and TonDc, drifting to a stop between the two and the Ark. I seemed to be somewhere in the middle of the triangle. I picked up a pencil from inside the rucksack and continued my doodle of the river running through the woods. Then I added my little hideout beside it. I could use this place again in the future. I studied the drawings again and decided on a route that would take me clear of any grounder villages before I stood and slung the rucksack over my shoulder. I wondered briefly about the Ark and my friends before I drew myself behind a wall to silence the feelings. Feeling was weakness.

I stopped at the door and listened for a moment to make sure it was clear to leave. When I decided it was safe I pulled on the heavy metal and climbed the stairs back to the ground. The sun was high and the air was clear. I smiled at the thought of not having to drown in the rain again. It was one good thing to happen so far today. I marched myself back to the riverbed and knelt down by the water to drink. My eyes flashed over the prints that had been left next to mine yesterday. I frowned at their size. A woman grounder had been following me.

I stood again and looked around, eyes catching on a little rabbit led still in the grass. I walked over to it. It was long dead. But not by another animal. I frowned at the wound in it's side. A clean cut that deep would have come from a blade. My only guess was the grounder tracking me had thrown a knife into it and then left it. But why?

I shook my head to the confusion of it all and walked on, always making sure to keep the sun on my right as I made my way after the animal tracks I'd been following before. Large paw prints lead me into the shadow of another mountain, a natural one this time. I gazed around in wonder. It looked so bright here. Like someone had painted it all fresh today. All the colours were making my head spin.

Approaching footsteps behind me stirred my thoughts enough for me to wake up out of the haze and return to the real world again.

"Shit!" I hissed annoyed with myself. I quickly ducked down flat onto my front and peered back up at them through the tall grass. It was a group of grounders walking through the woods into the clearing. And straight at me.

I bit my lip and I panicked. If they saw me I was dead.

" _Wanheda must have gone this way"_ One of them said pointing with his sword ahead. I started to inch back on my stomach. Just slowly crawling my way out of the path of theirs. If I could make it to a tree I'd be able to hide out of sight until they passed.

The grounders marched on and I continued to inch slowly back, freezing anytime one of them stopped and looked around.

 _"Naton, hurry up!_ " One said when his friend started to walk closer in my direction. His eyes were trained at the ground. His head tilted a little. I froze again and let out a deep fearful breath. I knew he'd seen the crushed grass I'd flattened.

 _Idiot!,_ I scolded to myself. I was so close to a damn tree! I laid completely still and tucked my head into my arm. I was even holding my breath. Hopefully the pelting on my jacket and boots would act as a sort of camouflage if the grounder looked my way.

 _Hopefully,_ I prayed.

I glanced up again when I realised they weren't shouting or coming after me. The grounder that had been approaching me was looking back at his group to say he thought he saw something. I saw my chance then and sprang up and leapt behind the tall oak a few feet away.

I pretty much collapsed against it and covered my mouth to hide my loud breathing. The grounder, Naton, was walking towards me again. I heard every crunch his boots made through the grass as he neared closer and closer. I looked down when I heard a sword being unsheathed and I inched around the tree a little, looking down in horror to see the sharp end of it slide through the air next to the tree. I closed my eyes and waited for it. Any second now he's step around the tree and see me.

" _It was nothing, Naton._ _Hurry up, now_!"

I jumped with the grounder's shout and I felt weak with relief as Naton's footsteps receded and he rejoined the group. I waited for them to gain another couple feet before I let myself believe they wouldn't turn back.

I bent forward, hands bracing my knees, and breathed deeply to control the adrenaline flowing through me. That had been close. Way too close. I had to be much more careful. My life pretty much depended on it.

I quickly slipped my rucksack back up my shoulder and peered around the tree. The grounders were headed down a hill. I saw my chance and ran in the opposite direction they were headed. Back towards the new mountain.

I needed to get out of here quick.


	4. Chapter 4

**Get the headphones out: Flesh and Bone by Keaton Henson.**

* * *

 _ **Leaders do what they think is right...**_

* * *

 _ **Lexa.**_

The mountain. TonDC. The Ark.

I kept looking between the three on the map in front of me. Trying to pinpoint an exact location despite not knowing it.

"Where are you?" I frowned glaring a triangle into the map again. I'd been studying it for hours. I should have been looking for possible routes this rumoured army would walk through at us but instead, as always, my mind had walked away back into Clarke.

Roan had now been tracking the girl for two days. No word yet had come back to say he'd found her. In fact there'd been no word at all. I worried constantly that he'd seen he was being followed and had killed Eko and Monroh. I had much faith in my warriors but I also knew Roan. I wouldn't put such an cruel act pass him.

 _"Commander_ "

I looked up at Ada. His expression was stern and serious. Which meant one thing.

 _"They're here"_

I nodded and stepped away from the maps. I walked over to the other end of the table and began slipping back into all my armour. War gatherings required I be dressed for war, and though it wasn't certain yet that war was what was coming for us tradition forced me to comply.

Ada posted himself as door sentry and watched me position and tighten the buckles on my shoulders. He was wearing armour too and glancing up at his face I noticed his markings painted dark around his eyes. I frowned at him.

 _"You wear war paint"_ I noted slipping my sword strap over my back. He nodded back at me.

 _"Yes, commander"_

" _We are not at war yet"_ I pointed out

" _An army marches this way"_ he replied striding up to the table. He stopped at the edge and picked up the paint that had been left out for me ready. He held it out to me to take, " _I think we've been at war for a while now_ " he said nodding down at the paint. I took it from him. He was right.

I dipped my fingers into the black liquid and closed my eyes to wipe a line of it across them. Then I spread three of my fingers a little and drag them down my cheeks, curving the edges off before my jaw, creating the winged look of the commander. I don't need a reflection to tell me it looked perfect. Ada's expression said it all.

" _I've missed seeing your markings_ " he told me smiling a little as he took back the bowl of paint.

 _"I had hoped I wouldn't need to wear it again_ " I sighed thinking longingly of the lasting peace we had all dreamt about. It seemed like a vision that slipped further and further away with each day.

Ada stepped back as I turned and walked to my throne. He watched me sit down on it and stare off at the wall with my thoughts. Probably he thought I was worried for my people. With war so imminent there were few ways to save them all. And yes I was thinking about them. But I was focusing more on Clarke. And I shouldn't be. My head came first. Always.

I just wish my heart would accept that.

I drew a long breath and returned my gaze to him.

 _"Send them in"_

Ada bowed his head and walked back to the door to speak with the guard. I stole another deep breath and readied myself to face the clan leaders.

They entered together, some bowing with whispered respect to me. Others did not. They merely slipped into the room and stood watching me with dead faces.

 _They question my leadership,_ I worried studying them all. I had promised them lasting peace should our clans unite against the mountain men. And instead all I'd delivered them were a few months respite. I could see it in their eyes. Their faith in me was breaking.

" _Welcome, brothers and sisters_ " I scanned the room counting the leaders as I welcomed them to my city. I stopped when I noticed the number was short. I turned back to Ada, _"Where is Aná and Streck?"_

 _"Gone"_ another leader answered. I turned at the rough edge in his voice and met his eyes. He was an elder of the southern River Clan. Older than me and with obvious disrespect for his commander.

 _"Gone?"_ I repeated demandingly. He nodded back.

 _"The Ice Nation made them a deal. Apparently the odds of them paying up is much greater in their favour than it is yours. Commander"_ He spat my name angrily but I didn't rise up to it. He was scared. For himself and his people. I would let his attitude go this time.

 _"And you believe this deal would profit you also?_ " I questioned. He watched me lean back in my throne. His eyes wavering a little in their hate towards me.

" _Maybe"_ he said and looked around at the other leaders, " _As I'm sure others here also do"_

 _"I'll have no one speak for me!"_ A voice roared up over the man. I looked over and saw Kiki walk around the table towards me. I smiled at my old friend. I should have known she would be the first to speak up for me. She knelt quickly at my feet and swore her fealty to me and our people. I was touched she would declare it so publicly given the circumstances.

" _Thank you, Kiki. I have never doubted the loyalty of your people"_

 _"I will always be a sister"_ she told me strongly as if she worried I doubted her, _"In war and in blood_ " She raised her hand and I gave her a nod as I clasped it in mine. I stood after and approached the group.

 _"The time for peace is over"_ I announced, reminding myself not to avoid their eyes. I had to look serious, _"The time for war is coming"_

Their expressions never changed. Though the fire in their eyes did. Now it burned deeper, flaming with strength and determination. They would fight with me again. I knew they would.

"The ice nation come at us from our backs" Ada announced moving to the table, calling everybody's attention off me and to him. They cleared a way for him so he could move around and point out positions on the map, "If we have already lost some of our brother clans we may have to expect attack from the west"

"Would they really turn on us?" Yor voiced, worry deep inside her expression. She was another elder and no doubt years and years of seeing war made her thirsty for peace. Like the rest of us.

" _Aná wouldn't_ " Jon piped staring hard down at the map, " _But I fear Streck would. Age has muddled his mind beyond logic"_

"We may be able to talk him round?" Yor suggested. Ada shook his head at her. There would be no negotiating with the traitors. If they decided to come at us no one would be spared. Yor looked back at me but I didn't comfort her. She fell silent, tears in her eyes. I knew her pain. Ana was like her sister. To know she had to kill her was probably breaking her heart.

"What of the other clans to the East?" Jon asked to stop the silence.

Ada nodded, "TonDC will no doubt be a main target. The Ice nation know that it was our war camp against Mount Weather"

A couple eyes strayed my way and I swallowed guiltily before I pointed at the map myself,

"TonDC is a main target. But Indra is more than capable of protecting her own"

 _"Like she did when that bomb tore the village apart?_ "

I span round to the speaker and glared at the man staring murder at me. I didn't know him. But from his tattoo he looked to be a new leader of a tree clan. Which made his remark even more infuriating.

 _"Nothing can be protected from bombs. Not even commanders"_ I left it there but he wasn't finished.

" _That clearly is a lie_ " I turned back to him, " _You are the commander. You are not yet dead. But others in that village are_ " his voice broke mid sentence and I read pain in his eyes as he stared angrily back at me.

 _He's lost someone,_ my mind warned, _he doesn't mean it. Just let it go._

" _I am sorry you feel saddened by my survival. Maybe next time the gods will grant you your wish and have me die"_

" _Maybe we won't have to wait that long_ " he growled pushing his way out of the room. Ada met my eyes and I nodded. He too climbed out of the crowd and seized the man.

"If anyone else wishes to share anything with their commander I suggest you do it now" I said loudly over the noise of fighting outside. The others mumbled around me and I heard a few say I was insane. Comments like that sent an itch up my back but I refused to react physically. I kept my expression blank and waited for them to quieten down before continuing with the meeting.

They listened intently to what I said, respectfully, dutifully. And I respected them greatly for it. With their occasional input and questions we managed to create a form of plan in case of attack on any of our clans.

" _What about wanheda?"_ I froze on my turn back to my throne, " _Should we not fear attack from her people too?"_

Ada was quick to answer for me, _"The sky people are few in number and mostly weak. The mountain men were quick with how they went through them"_

"But your alliance is over"

"Our alliance is not over," he replied stumbling a little on an explanation to give, "It's simply in renegotiation"

One of them scoffed, "In their eyes we betrayed them. I would want revenge"

"Then it is a good thing you are not the sky people" I said calmly through my anger. The clan leaders shifted a little and I knew the topic was not through with. They confirmed it a moment later when Kye stepped forward.

"Commander, forgive me, but it seems a war would be the perfect time for the sky people to take the mountain and seal themselves in. We should strike first and claim it as our own"

I shook my head at him, "That mountain is the only thing stopping all of us killing each other. I will not disrespect their terms when I have already given them little reason to trust me"

"Then kill them all!" Rhoda roared gleefully, "Cut them down and claim their land as our own again!"

A few of the others nodded, agreeing fully with him. Ada watched me carefully. He knew how angry I was getting with the suggestions to kill Clarke's people. I shook my head again and raised a hand to them. They silenced themselves immediately.

"The sky people are not to be harmed" I ordered. Rhoda growled in reply.

"Why? What have they done for us? They burned our brothers and sisters alive. _Blood must have blood!"_

" _Blood must have blood"_ a couple of them agreed.

I looked around at them all in disbelief. Were they truly that quick to forget what Clarke had done for us? Would she really only be remembered for the mountain?

 _Deeds done wrong are always famed before the good, leska._

Anyas voice calmed me a little so I could reply to them.

"The sky people are the only reason we have been able to reclaim our stolen people. They returned the Reapers to men. They saved most of your lives hundreds of times and their leader saved mine"

"That Clarke girl," Rhoda spat on the floor, "She should be the first one to die!"

Nobody saw my retaliation coming. Not even me. One moment Rhoda was looking around at the group with laughter in his eyes, the next I'd pinned him against the table with my dagger against his throat. The other clan members stood silent and watched us glare at each other. I wanted to kill him. For even daring to threaten to kill Clarke. But I knew if I killed him the allegiances of most of the clans would break before his body hit the ground. And I couldn't afford to lose that with a war at our backs.

 _"Nobody is to touch Clarke, wanheda of the sky people. Anyone who tries an attempt on her life will suffer much worse than a thousand cuts. Now leave"_

I shoved Rhoda away from me and strode up to my throne breathing heavily. The clan leaders left quickly, afraid of what would come if they angered me further. Nyko slipped into the room and stepped forward as they went, his slow steps making steady way to me. I gave him an impatient look. I was not in the mood for counselling right now. He laid his hand over his heart and bowed his head.

" _Commander"_ he greeted solemnly, I nodded at him to speak, _"I wish permission to travel to the Ice Nation"_

I blinked at him, "Why?"

"Commander, we are planning for a war out of fear spread by rumours. We should at least first check that the Ice Nation is planning to attack"

"We have reports of their scouts all over our territory" Ada informed walking over to us. He was frowning at Nyko like his suggestion to go was ridiculous, "And two of our family clans have not responded to our orders into the city. Is that not enough confirmation?"

Nyko shook his head, "It's not. We need to find out for sure if an army is mobilising on us"

I considered him a moment. I did believe our reports were evidence enough to put up defences. Rumour or not I'd rather my people were ready for attack. But Nyko was also right in what he said. We couldn't consider war if war wasn't coming. Not unless we wanted to break the coalition first and create a war between all the clans. Something I didn't want happening if possible. I'd worked too damn hard for that to collapse under me.

"Very well" I said standing, "You will go to the Ice nation. Be sure to take a few men with you-"

" _Commander!_ " Ada crime stepping forward, "You cant possibly be entertaining this?!" I held my hand up and he stood back silent. I carried on with my orders.

"You will go as my messenger. Tell the Ice Queen she is to stand down on this notion of war. Tell her we do not want any more grounder blood spilt. This coalition is peace and she would benefit to honour it, and me"

Nyko nodded, "One thing" he started nervously. I nodded, "I wish to take only my second. I do not want to endanger more lives than necessary"

I didn't want to agree to that. The ice nation were a dangerous people, even in peace time. I feared Nyko's safety with only one other warrior. But I also knew he would find a way out of a guard if I sent one with him. I reluctantly allowed it. Maybe with fewer men he would survive.

" _Thank you, Commander_ " he bowed his head again and briskly left the room. Ada was shaking his head at me as the doors closed again.

 _"You disapprove?"_ I matched his eyes with my question and was surprised to find him unrelenting in keeping mine.

"Nyko is a man of peace, much like Linkon. Sometimes they let their best intentions cloud their judgment. I do not think it was wise to send a message to the ice nation. It implies we are weak"

"You're right, Ada" I strode past him to the table again. My eyes ran over the big map, circling Clarke's triangle again. Impulse pulled at my fingertips, nudging me to leave immediately.

"Maybe we need more men of peace" I mumbled fixing my eyes on a point near TonDC. The woodland area where I'd seen her. If an army was marching on us..and she was still in the wilderness..

"What news of Roan?" I inquired tracking the journey between polis and TonDC. It shouldn't have taken him so long to catch up with her. He should be returning with her.

"None" Ada replied and I could feel his eyes on my back while I continued tracing on the map.

 _It takes as long as it takes,_ my mind reminded while I worried over her. It was little comfort now. I'm sure it was little comfort when I told Clarke that too.

"Ada, I'm going to scout east of the river, here" I pointed to the markings indicating the reaper caves and tapped the space next to it where the river split off around the mountains. I couldn't sit idle and wait for Nyko and Roan to return. Ada nodded. If he was concerned for me he didn't voice it. Instead he offered to accompany me.

"We leave at first light" I told him turning back to the maps. I heard him leave to make preparations and turned my attention back to the maps again.

* * *

 _"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?"_

 _She looks down at the table, tapping it with her thoughts. She frowns calmly to herself as if she was thinking longingly of something. I wondered what she wanted after survival. After crashing to earth and fighting for her people every day since, what did Clarke want? Peace? Safety? Both were things I wanted too. I wanted nothing more than to end the constant fighting. To just coexist. And Clarke wanted that too. She was just like me. Her question runs through my mind. We had earned our right to survive but did we deserve to? I thought about all the things I'd done to ensure my peoples survival. The good and the bad. After all the blood and sacrifice, did we deserve happiness? She did. Entirely._

 _"Maybe we do" I told her. Her eyes drifted over my face and I couldn't stop myself from leaning down to her. I knew what Clarke wanted. And I was tired of questioning myself worthy of giving it to her. I wanted safety and love and happiness. Everything that I saw in Clarke._

 _I wasn't sure I deserved to be happy. As commander I could never allow myself to think for myself._

 _But as Leska.._

 _I wanted nothing but happiness. For myself and for Clarke._

 _Especially for Clarke._

 _I kissed her slow, tenderly almost. As if to let her see I was Leska, not the commander. I was more than the war paint and the powerful title. There was so much more to me that only she was allowed to see. There was pain and nervousness and love. If only she looked past the heartless commander to see it._

 _Clarke kissed back, slow and confused at first before an understanding sealed us in together. Her lips moved in perfect sync to mine and warmed me entirely. In time. We were in time. In sync. In match. A perfect match._

 _Clarke's hand touched my side, pulling me closer, directing me into her some more. But I held off on urges to lose control. Instead I gripped her neck a little more and breathed sharply out before I inhaled her in._

 _I pressed a final kiss to her lips before I moved back a little, allowing my nose to skim hers before I leant back in again. She jumped suddenly and I looked at her in confusion. She leant her head away and I immediately moved back to give her space._

 _"I'm sorry" she whispered her apology but I was reading it sadly in her eyes, "I'm not ready to be with anyone" she explained watching for my reaction. I nodded over the ache in my heart and prepared myself for her to leave. Clarke watched me, eyes racing over my face with another of her frowns._

 _"Not yet" she whispered eyes drifting down to my mouth. I kept from smiling. Right now all I wanted was to kiss her again._

 _Not yet.._

 _I took it as a promise._

* * *

 _"Commander?"_

I opened my eyes to the darkness of my room. The heat of my dream was like a fire on my skin. I glanced back and saw Ada crouched beside me, one hand on my damp shoulder, worry in his eyes.

" _You were suffering in your dreams_ " he told me.

" _I'm alright"_ I told him sitting up. He took his hand back and stood up by my side.

" _Are you well enough to ride, commander? I can send Klyns men if_ -" Ada went quiet when I shook my head. I wanted to ride out myself. It gave the wrong message if war was threatened and the commander stayed within the sanctuary of her city. I refused to look that weak in front of my people. Besides, I wanted to search the woods for signs of Clarke and Roan.

Ada nodded at my orders for him to go ready my horse and he crept silently back out of the room. I couldn't stop thinking about his expression when I'd woken. He'd look surprised to find me sleeping still. Of course I couldn't blame him. I rose before anyone else other days. Dreaming of Clarke must have lulled my mind to peace. My hand let go of the knife I'd been holding under the furs that cushioned my body against the floor. I doubt Ada realised but if he'd been any sharper in calling me awake it's likely he would be dead right now.

I rolled off my furs and stood tall, rolling my neck and stretching my arms as I walked to my armour. Polis was quiet. Every spirit inside it asleep still save the sentries and scouts walking the borders below. I walked to the balcony and looked around at my city. The wind blew soft against my hair and chilled the sweat that still clung to my neck and cheeks. As the sun rose on the horizon I couldn't help but wonder how I was supposed to keep this city standing.

My horse was ready when I walked down the many levels to the ground. He saw me coming and shook his great neck in greeting. Ada, who was saddled up and waiting on his own horse, smiled affectionately at the stallion.

" _He seems eager to leave"_ he commented watching me climb up into the saddle. I took the reigns off the young girl holding the horse still and nodded to him.

" _He is always eager to leave and less inclined to return"_ I clicked my tongue and pulled on the reigns. My horse turned in a circle and started to walk. Ada followed.

" _If it's not to presumptuous to say, Commander, I believe that makes you kindred spirits_ "

I looked over at him for an explanation. He simply smiled back.

I patted my horses neck and whispered a command in his ear. His head bobbed and I felt him pool his strength to burst forward into a sudden canter. I heard Ada's laughter as he urged his horse to copy us and he shouted back at his men to follow.

We rode most of the day, stopping only momentarily to rest the horses and water ourselves. My mind was heavy with clarke as we travelled. Wondering always if I would find her again. We moved off fast through the forests towards Ton Dc, chasing the sun west as we made our way closer to Mount Weather.

"Has your horse a name?" Ada called as we galloped through the first fields towards the woods after TonDc. A couple of Indra's men waiting by the first line of trees called out to us and rode to flank us. We told them our destination and they immediately volunteered to come with us.

I shook my head at Ada. Naming an animal was bad luck. It implied we owned them when we didn't. They volunteered their service. Naming them was an offence against them.

Ada slowed beside me as we reached the wood and patted his horse's flank,

"This is Meesha" he told me smiling. His horse nodded as if to return his announcement. I simply rolled my eyes, stopping suddenly when I noticed tracks on the ground below.

" _It is ill will to name a horse_ " I told him as I stopped my own and leapt out of the saddle, " _You tempt fate too easily_ " I said crouching down to examine the prints by my horses hooves.

 _"She told me it was her name"_ he argued leaning in his saddle to look at the prints too, " _Grounders?"_ He asked nodding at the footprints. I shook my head.

" _Sky people_ " And they lead north towards the trading post.

" _Wanheda?_ " He suggested. I shook my head again and my heart sank lowly.

" _Too many prints"_

"Bellamy" Ada grunted reigning his horse to the left.

I climbed back up on top of my own horse and commanded him on. Indra's guard approached after a few more miles riding to report noise. I ordered them to seek it out and carried on towards the trading post. Hopefully Niylah could help us seek out Clarke.

Ada was silent beside me, his horse nicking mine every now and then as if they were great friends. I looked over it with immense disapproval.

"She likes him" Ada told me after his horse knocked her head up under my horses chin. For his part he seemed to be taking all the sudden attention very well. In fact I was certain the stallion was enjoying it.

"You should hold her better" I snapped impatient with their games, "A pony behaves better"

 _"I apologise, Commander"_ he pulled her away from my stallion and walked a couple paces over. The stallion flattened his ears in disappointment. I rolled my eyes again.

 _"Commander!"_ A voice shouted urgently behind us.

I stopped my horse and looked behind me. Two horses were cantering full speed at us. I felt fear take me when I took them in. Only one had a rider.

" _Where is Sasha?_ " Ada demanded as the rider came to a stop beside him. The other man shook his head and made a grimace when it hurt. He was covered in blood and was wounded. I glared coldly and demanded to know what had happened.

 _"We were attacked by scouts!_ " he panted holding his hand steady over a deep gash in his left arm. I pulled my horse around to face the direction he'd ridden from.

"Show me" I ordered. Ada objected but I ignored him and rode after the guard, calling out for the other guardsmen to follow us. Ada swore as he chased after us.

We stopped in a large clearing. The grass had been flattened by horses and there was blood everywhere.

" _Commander.."_

I silenced Ada and urged my horse on. It's ears flattened and it counted at the grass nervous. I stroked its side and whispered comfort in his ears as we slowly crept closer to where the grass was darkest. Four bodies were laying in the tall grass, bleeding slowly as their eyes stared unseeing ahead of them. I dismounted and strode over to them. Three were from the ice nation. I knew from the scars on their faces. The other was my guard.

 _"Your fight is over_ " I whispered clasping her hand in mine. I pressed my other to her heart and prayed to the gods that her spirit be granted an easy transition to its next life.

 _"We should go_ " Ada said turning in his saddle to shout a command to the others. I stood and turned back to my horse, my eyes catching his watch me before they flitted behind me and widened in panic.

" _Look-_ " An arrow caught him in the shoulder before he could finish his warning and it knocked him from his horse. I span around gripping my sword as three grounders rushed at me shouting.

"Guards!" I yelled drawing my sword and intercepting the first man.

I knocked his sword back and slashed his throat, kicking him down in time to lean back away from another sword. My guards rode in behind me. The archer of the group leant up in his saddle to shoot a grounder rushing to stab my side while I held off his comrade. The man fell to the ground, his sword just short of me. I punched my attacker back and slashed with my sword at his legs. He cried out and fell to his back struggling to reach his sword. I kicked it aside and pinned him down with my foot on his chest. He glared up at me.

 _"You would attack your commander?!"_ I glared pushing down on his chest. He spat back at me.

" _I have no commander_ " he growled struggling to get up. I released my foot long enough to kick him hard in the face. He groaned and spat out a few teeth before returning his hard glare back to me.

" _Commander!_ "

I looked up at one of my men. It was the archer. He was stood on the edge of the clearing pointing out ahead of him.

 _"Hold this one"_ I growled to the others and walked over to the guard. He waited for my approach before walking a few paces through the trees. I followed with my sword raised ready. He lead me a ways following the river until we met a posting for a small tree clan village. What I saw there gripped my bones in ice.

Ada had followed us. He stopped beside me holding a hand to the wound on his shoulder. He took it all in and looked back at the shock and pain in my eyes.

 _"Still think this isn't war?"_

I didn't answer. Just looked around at the clearing of bodies. Men, women, even the children, all thrown down to bleed in the dirt. Innocents killed in the name of war.

My heart roared in fury. I would make the ice nation burn for this.


	5. Chapter 5

**Can I just say that I am floored by the response on this story already. Seriously guys, thank you! I hope you're enjoying the soundtrack too; Nowhere Left To Go by Joshua Hyslop.**

* * *

 ** _Forgiveness isn't about what people deserve..._**

* * *

 **Clarke.**

"Come on... Come on..."

I strained my eyes through the brush to the dark shadow circling the trees ahead. It could smell dinner waiting for it. Could see the rabbit hopping forward every couple seconds only to forget its leg was bound to the ground and fall over again. Hours I'd waited for it to show up again. Hours I'd sat in my hideout sharpening my knife and preparing myself for it. I'd set the trap, now I was waiting for the real kill to enter the fight.

I shifted my weight over, careful so the slight noise didn't attract the animal over. Or worse scare it away. My eyes stayed on it the entire time. I'd watched it plan a kill before when I'd first run into it. Distractions from an easy kill was not something it enjoyed much. I studied it as it drew closer and closer to where the rabbit struggled. I watched the agile way it climbed up the slope into the clearing. The way its muscles gleamed powerfully against its jet black coat as it walked. The way it sniffed the air and growled. The way everything about it screamed danger and beauty. It would've been enough to make me rethink killing it. It was definitely a beautiful creature. But I was a hunter now. And I was hungry.

"Just a little closer..." I whispered to myself, gripping the tree tighter as I rose up a little ready to leap down. I would have to time this exactly right. If I missed at all I would be in some serious trouble.

The beast drew closer, whipping its tail a little around itself as it took in the rabbit. Maybe it saw it was a trap. There was a definite curiosity in its pace as it slowed to a stop beneath the tree. I took a deep breath and held my knife tight in my hand. Another couple steps and it would be in the perfect position for a quick kill.

I hoped so anyway.

It bent its head and sniffed at the rabbit, tail still flicking. I needed it to be closer. I needed it to be eating that fucking rabbit so I could land a quick stab. It sniffed the air again. Its head lifted a little towards me.

 _Shit, its got my scent!_

I saw my time slip away and it made me panic into rushing things. I stood up the second its head dipped towards the ground again. I took a deep breath and I leapt up off of my branch and plunged down towards the beast with my knife raised above my head in both hands. Adrenaline and fear tore through me as I quickly neared the ground and it made me scream out as I stabbed down. I heard a high screech as my knife landed into the animal's side. It twisted round, jolting the momentum of my jump, causing me to be knocked sideways. I fell backwards down the slope, twisting myself to a stop by the trees. I scrambled upright and quickly inched back on my hands as the animal growled at me. It moved forward and I could see in its eyes it wanted to kill me. Why eat a rabbit when there was human to be had?

Thing was, I still had my knife.

I saw the beast charge at me. Its legs rippled with strength as it ran full speed towards me. I quickly sat up straight and held the knife tight in my hand. I breathed against the manic heartbeat screaming in my chest. It was going so fast. As if it knew any second it would stop forever. I was scared. So fucking scared. Praying even felt like a good idea. I raised the knife and held it in front of myself, handle pressed to my chest.

I counted the seconds down, crying out with the beast when it ran throat first into my knife.

We fell backwards, my hands gripping the knife still while its paws curled around my shoulders as if to hold me. We stopped as quickly as we fell. I groaned with the heavy dead weight of the animal on top of me. It had died quickly. Now it was rested as if sleeping on my front. I pushed up on its chest, groaning with the strain of getting it off me. I raised a leg and used it to roll it off myself. I stumbled to my hands and knees after, panting and shaking as I looked down at it. It was a beautiful thing. Another beautiful thing I'd destroyed.

A pain registered on my back suddenly and I felt warmth flow down my sleeve. I glanced over my left shoulder and reached a hand back to touch the torn fabric covering the blade. I gasped when it hurt and withdrew my hand to stare at the blood on it. I suppose fair was fair. It was only right it got a swipe in before it died.

I moved my hand down and I touched its back, fingers cruising its soft fur. I felt bad for killing it. Really bad. But I reasoned this kill was justified. It was kill or be killed.

 _"Your fight is over"_ I told it.

I stood shakily and walked back up to the clearing. Amazingly the rabbit was still alive and hopping about. Like nothing had happened. I shook my head to myself and knelt down beside it.

"You're freaking lucky. You know that?" I told it. Its nose twitched in response. I leant forward, gasping sharply when it hurt, and reached out to unhook the rope from the rabbits foot. It let me grip its body long enough to release it and then scratched frantically at my hands until I let it go. It scurried off once it was free and I watched it go a moment before I remembered I had a kill to trade in.

Pulling the makeshift sled back down the slope was easy. Dragging it back to Niylah's post was a nightmare. I'd spent hours making the sled to carry the beast back to the trading post. I made sure I'd got the sizing right so it wouldn't drag much. But I'd mistaken the actual size of the animal. Its back legs hung off the end of the sled as I walked, catching on anything and everything on the ground as we struggled on. I worried it would ruin the pelt and therefore my cash in. But short of making another sled there was nothing I could do. And I decided my shoulder hurt too bad to try again.

The sun was losing me the further I went until soon it was barely above the trees above me. I huffed to myself as I pushed on dragging the sled behind me. Exhausted only began to cover it.

Niylah was waiting for me when I made it back to the village with my kill. She was seeing her father off on another of his hunts. I waited for him to leave before I dragged my kill to the post for trade. She took it in with impressed eyes though her smile said she wasn't at all surprised.

" _Nice kill"_ she said smiling. I pulled the sled straps off my shoulders and let them fall to the floor.

" _Thanks_ " I mumbled back approaching the counter, " _The usual supplies"_ I ordered as she closed the door.

Niylah ignored the dead tone to my voice and knelt beside my kill. I had my back to her but I could hear her picking up the straps.

 _"You always come right after my father leaves"_ she commented in a strained voice. I turned in time to see her take a step forward dragging the beast with her. She gave me a slight smile and said, " _Good timing"_

 _"Im in a hurry"_ I husked impatient. She didn't take much notice of me. Just carried on taking my kill out back to skin.

 _"Right_ " she called, " _As always"_

She left me standing at the counter while she deposited the creature out back. I peered around myself, eyes cautiously moving around the room. I didn't like sticking around for long. Not with everyone hunting me.

A thud from the back made me jump. I quickly regained my composure in time for Niylah to walk back out to the front. In her arms she carried a box. She raised it up and nodded to me.

 _"Meat from your last kill"_ she walked around the counter with it in her arms, _"Salted and dried. Minus our share"_ She put it on the counter and I slid it over to me to inspect. Niylah slid a bottle next to the box and I immediately felt suspicious.

" _Whats that?_ " I nodded at it. Niylah's expression stayed calm as she picked up a glass

"A _drink while you wait_ " She watched me with a smile but I didnt trust it. In all the times i'd been coming here she never once offered me a drink before. I stared at the bottle. It was clear glass but I couldnt distinguish what was inside it. I glanced back at her. Would she really poison me?

Niylah began pouring our drinks. My eyes caught on a flash of light by her wrist. I glanced down and stared at the metal incasing it. I recognised it. It was space metal. From the Ark. The same bracelet I'd been wearing when I got sent here.

 _Where did she get that?_

Almost as if she could detect my suspicion Niylah leant back and told me she'd be quick with the rest of my supplies. She left the drink on the counter and strode out back again. I watched her go, mind on overdrive. Was she trying to kill me? Would she do that? I hadn't known her very long. She didn't know who I was. She just helped me out a lot. I didn't believe she wanted to hurt me. But at the same time she was wearing an Ark bracelet. One of the 100. Either she'd found it or she'd killed for it.

 _"You know"_ I heard her call out to me, " _This is a big cat"_

 _"I had noticed"_ I returned coldly. I heard her chuckle at my sarcastic reply _._

 _"And a jaguar. It will give me a lot in medicine alone. Maybe I should offer you more for it"_

I turned at the suggestion in her voice and frowned to myself. She wanted to give me more stuff for the cat?

She answered my doubtful silence, _"I mean it, take whatever you want. I owe you. This kill has made you earn it"_

 _"Why?"_ I called frowning at the sounds of her skinning the jaguar. I heard her laugh again and I couldn't help but mistrust the innocent ring to it.

 _"Because not everyone can kill a jaguar and live to prove it"_

She returned to her work after that and I listened to her soft grunts as she pulled the cat about to get at it with her knife. I considered her offer to let me have more but I wasn't going to take her up on it. Not when I didn't fully understand why it was being offered in the first place. And definitely not when I wasn't totally sure I was going to be leaving.

I started pacing up and down. I needed to leave. But I needed supplies too. And I needed to find out about the bracelet.

Niylah returned with a smile after a while. She was wiping her hands on a bloody rag as she walked out to me. I stopped pacing and turned to her impatiently.

 _"So what did you decide?"_ She asked throwing the rag down and stepping up to me, " _I told you, I owe you more than this" She smiled at me again, "Pick something"_

Niylah made to walk away but I grabbed her arm and stopped her. She looked back at me a little scared before her eyes flitted down to where my thumb was brushing the bracelet on her wrist.

 _"Tell me about this"_ I said in a serious voice that demanded no bullshit.

I saw her swallow nervous, eyes looking guiltily down at her arm and then back at me. She met my eyes and was about to tell me when the door opened on us.

I turned immediately away so her new customers wouldn't see my face. I pretended to be looking at a pelt jacket on the table in front of me while she saw to the newcomers.

" _You have something to trade?_ " she asked slipping around the counter.

I heard heavy footsteps move closer to me and I tensed up ready, my hand already slipping to the knife in my sleeve.

 _"I asked you a question"_ Niylah snapped loudly for the man's attention.

He must have turned back to her because I soon heard his hand hit the counter with a hard thud and his husky voice ask if she'd seen somebody. I peered over my shoulder just as Niylah looked down at the piece of cloth. Her eyes flew back to me and I knew who the picture was of. My heart thrummed nervous in my chest waiting for her to hand me over.

 _"Thats not a very good likeness"_ she told him curtly. I felt myself flinch before I looked back at Niylah in shock. She wasn't going to betray me?

 _Maybe I was wrong about her._

 _"Then you've seen her?"_ he questioned sharply.

 _"She was here two days ago"_ she told him briskly, "Thats how I got this" She held up her wrist to show him the bracelet, "She said she was going north, following Eden's Pass"

I stared at the wall as I listened to her protect me. Did she not realise the trouble she was getting herself into by lying? Those men could easily come back once they grew tired of her false trail. And when they did..

 _"Ice Nation"_ another muffled voice growled, _"We must hurry"_

I heard the door open and one man walk out. His companion stayed at the counter though. I kept my back to him but it was hard not turning around to make sure Niylah was okay. I didnt want to get her hurt over me.

The tension in the room doubled in the silence that followed. I heard the man slide his hand off the counter, taking the cloth drawing of me with him. The floor creaked a little with his lean back.

" _Thank you"_ he said finally moving away to leave. I turned back to the counter as he began to leave, " _You've been more helpful than you can imagine"_

He walked away, eyes drifting back to me as he paused before the door. I lowered my head again and returned to my study of the pelt jacket. He walked out, both of our eyes following him to the door. He closed it behind him and I breathed out relieved.

Niylah looked over at me, relief in her own eyes. I walked back to her.

 _"How long have you known?_ " I asked. She looked back at me like it was obvious.

" _How long have you been coming in here?"_ she countered with a smirk.

I felt relief hit me. She'd known for months and never once handed me over or tried to kill me. She'd helped me instead. I felt bad for lying to her all this time.

 _Man, do I feel like a jerk._

I gave her a thanking look and grabbed my supply box off the counter. I had to go. Now.

"I would wait" she quickly advised making me look back at her, "Give them a chance to clear out" She slid my untouched drink across the counter to me again, "Have that drink" she urged.

I looked down at it then followed her walk down the counter.

"Why're you helping me?"

"My mother was taken by the mountain" she put simply, "You ended the reaping"

She took the bottle then and disappeared out back. I let her go. My mind was feeling heavy again. She was helping me because she thought I'd gotten revenge for her mother. Like my actions in the mountain were justified. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I never thought what I did would make me some sort of icon. But I knew its something I didnt want.

"We should probably look at that shoulder" Niylah's voice called.

I turned myself and found her stood in the doorway to the other room, arms crossed and smile blooming across her lips again.

I reached a hand back to it and winced when it came away bloody. Niylah tsked at me. She nodded out back for me to follow her. I hesitated a moment. I needed to leave. But I also didn't want to. Out there I was lonely and in constant danger. In here I was protected and safe. I craved human interaction. I missed my friends. Maybe Niylah could become a new one for me.

I silently followed her out back. She lead me through the room where she skinned the kills brought in to her and upstairs to what I assumed was her bedroom. She moved to a table in the corner and bent over it to light a candle. She brought it back to me and told me to take my jacket off. As i struggled to do that she left the room to fetch some water and a cloth.

I threw the jacket down once i managed to get it off and looked around myself. I'd never really seen the inside of a grounder's home before. My eyes ran over the fur pelts covering the small bed to the ornaments and candles littering the room. It smelt like earth in here, and burned wood. As if Niylah had tried to bring the forest into her bedroom with her.

Niylah returned after a moment and took a seat behind me. She set a bowl of water down on the cabinet beside the bed and brought her hand up to touch my shoulder. Her fingers picked at my vest and I knew what she was requesting. I pulled the left strap awkwardly down my arm with a pained wince when it caught on the slashes on my back. She gave me a tiny smile when it was off and told me to sit still while she reached back for the rag and inched closer behind me.

Her eyes took in the bleeding claw marks and she smiled at me. I just looked away. I couldn't handle smiles I didn't deserve.

"The cat got the worst of it" she reassured wringing the rag.

I smiled back and kept my eyes forward as she pressed the wet cloth to my back. Her fingers smoothed over my right shoulder to pull my hair out of the way and I had to keep myself from purring with the feel of her. I hadn't been touched by another human in months. I'd missed it.

Niylah began gently dabbing her cloth against the cuts on my skin and I winced a little in silence when it stung.

"No kill marks" she breathed still gently sponging my back. I tilted my head back in acknowledgment.

"My back's not big enough" I said sadly, my thoughts racing over just how many scars I should have.

I could feel her stare at me and closed my eyes to her quiet judgement. Her hand softly pushed on my back, returning to cleaning my wounds.

"Tell me about the mountain" she begged leaning into me a little so her words brushed my shoulder.

I opened my eyes and stared dead at the wall. Suddenly I remembered why I'd spent the last few months avoiding anything that could talk.

"There's nothing to tell" I told her briskly, "I did what I had to do. That's all"

"That's all?" she repeated incredulously, "You killed our greatest enemy! You wiped them out, all by yourself-"

"Niylah..." The bed bounced as I turned to face her with a serious look, "Would you mind not talking?"

I couldn't handle any more of her praise for what I'd done. I couldn't handle anymore thinking about it. I just wanted to forget.

Niylah read the plea in my eyes to drop it and she dropped the rag back into the bowl and made to leave.

"No" I gently grabbed her wrist to stop her. I didn't want her to leave. I just..

 _I want to forget._

I took her hand and pulled it up to my shoulder, slowly letting it drop down my chest. Niylah met my eyes, the brown in hers swirling deeper all of a sudden. They grazed all over my face in question to my seriousness and then moved down to my mouth when she realised I meant this.

I gently grabbed her neck and leant over, keeping her eyes before pressing my lips over her soft willing ones. I kissed her hard, using the feel of her as a block to everything else. Her lips pushed back just as forceful with her tongue teasing my bottom lip. I heard her moan as I stroked my thumbs down her jaw and pulled her mouth down, pushing my tongue inside it.

Desire and desperation filled me in a flood of heat then.

I needed more.

I began nudging her back, forcing her to laying on her back against the furs while I quickly straddled her waist. Her hands ran up my back while I breathed sharply against her lips, pulling at the black vest covering it, slipping beneath it to scratch across my collarbone. She moaned softly at the slight graze her fingers brushed against a nipple. I shivered in response and tugged at her lips. It almost felt painful to me. I wanted her to touch more. But the vest was in the way. Something I realised with an angry exhale.

I pulled away from Niylah's kissing and stretched back to pull the other strap off my shoulder so it could fall freely to my waist. Her eyes immediately ran down but I didn't give her time to take me in.

I collapsed back over her and kissed her again, smiling a little when it made her push up under me. Her hands brushed my hair back before one slid across my back and wandered with purpose down. Her palm squeezing my ass made me bite down on her lip causing her to growl. Her hands moved across me, one slinging across the back of my shoulders while the other firmly held my hip.

I let out a sharp breath when she flipped me suddenly with ease I envied. Her strong body pressed over mine, positioned just right to pin me in place. My hips rutted up in defiance but Niylah's pushed back harder, forcing me to submit. Her lips crashed back into mine at the same time, kissing me relentlessly, addictively, before she moved away with eyes darkening lustfully for my leaning up after her for more.

Niylah leant back over my waist, catching my eyes seriously as she rolled the pelt vest off her back. I barely registered how naked she suddenly was above me. It didn't matter much to me.

Her clothing hit the floor somewhere behind her. The sounds of our heavy breathing filled her slow decent back to me. Her eyes flashed over me before she met the hunger I felt in my own. Then she swooped down and kissed me again, cradling my face in her hand and rocking her body into mine before she bent down to lay soft kisses down my chest and stomach.

I leant back as she crawled quickly down my body and tipped my head back against the furs at her hands picking at my pants. Niylah quickly yanked the dirty denim off me and I heard her moan softly before I felt her lips kiss along my inner thigh painfully slow.

I squeezed my eyes shut. In my head I was watching all my demons fade away for a while. All but one that is.

 _Lexa._

 _She stayed in the for front of my mind as Niylah licked and pushed me to forget anything else. Her green eyes watched me hungrily in the dark as my back arched against the furs, her gaze locking on me possessively the second Niylah's tongue quickly dragged my breaths deeper._

I fought the moans wanting to surface the second Niylah's fingers moved down. I felt her thumb teasing circles against my clit while a finger brushed against my dampening entrance. I pressed my head back into the bed and felt my lower half rise in response to her slowly pushing in. I cried out at the feel of her inside me and gasped at her for more. I heard the grounder breathlessly gasp something in tridegesleng as she pushed more into me and returned her mouth to its original place over my clit in place of her thumb.

I did moan then. My image of lexa was running circles in my head.

 _She was watching me grow faster towards orgasm. Her dark eyes pinning lustfully over me as my belly began to coil up ready for my release. My breaths turned sharper, my gasps rising with my heightening tension. Lexa's smirk slowly came to life when I grabbed at something to control myself against the pleasure finally releasing me._

I kept my eyes closed to enjoy the heat rushing down my body. Niylah's tongue was lathering against my thighs, licking me up completely.

 _"You taste wonderful, Wanheda_ " She whispered moving her tongue along my slit. Her breath blew warm over me, her words burning me in hot tingles. I felt incredibly turned on hearing the foreign words take root in my head. But not for Niylah's voice speaking them but for Lexa's take its place.

 _Her commander's husk blew my mind apart as she told me she wanted to take me. I could only whimper my permission to her. The predetatory gleam in her eyes promised her claiming me would be good. So, so, fucking good._

Niylah continued to speak and I shook a breath out on instinct in reaction. Her hand shifted, palm sliding down. I moaned disappointed feeling her remove her fingers from inside me, only to cry out in relief again the second they slammed back into me. She repeated the motion and quickened her pace when she felt me getting slicker around her fingers.

My hands rose to take hold of her shoulders to squeeze a command for her to keep going. She couldn't stop now. This was working. She had to keep going.

My body rose as she moved higher and it eagerly moved with Niylah's new motions to appease her. But in my head she didn't exist. Lexa was the one making me feel free.

Niylah moved up my body, kissing it against the way it kicked up against hers. My hips hit up against a firm stomach and I imagined it being tanned and possibly scarred, decorated in tattoos and sweat. I gasped and brushed myself up some more, groaning softly when she moved herself to lay completely over me. Her mouth ran up my neck, desperately seeking my lips again, and when she kissed me it felt like I might explode.

 _Lexa,_ my mind moaned begging for her.

 _Clarke, she whispered back, kissing me deeply before moving away._

 _I grabbed at her back, fingers biting into the skin on her shoulders. I heard a gasp but it wasn't hers. She just smirked back at me and kissed me once before pushing me back against the furs. I felt a shot of lightning crackle down my spine when I saw her deep eyes move down my body. She kept my eyes as she moved her hand down my side and I caught her grin smugly when her touch made my body fold in complete surrender._

I collapsed against the furs and breathed deeply. My heart raced inside the remaining thoughts of the commander as I struggled to leave her and open my eyes. Niylah was beside me breathing just as heavy. I felt her hand stroke a gentle pattern on my chest as it heaved beneath her fingertips.

My vision of Lexa was fading as I came slowly back to reality and I wasn't ready yet to see her gone. I fucking hated that lying bitch but I couldn't deny I still wanted her badly. Despite everything.

 _"Well.."_ Niylah was saying kissing my jaw affectionately.

I opened my eyes and glared at the roof. I didn't want affection. I wanted Lexa.

 _"That wasn't so-"_ I cut Niylah off by suddenly kissing her.

She jumped a little in surprise and held me to her with a low moan when I rolled to be above her again. I reached up and pulled her hands off my neck and pinned them above her head. I didn't want her touching me. This time I wanted to do this the way I needed. This time I wanted to fuck.

She pushed up against my hold as I kissed her hard. Her breath catching on my lips in sharp gasps and little soft moans. I moved my head down to avoid her looking at me and nipped at her shoulder, biting hard to block out her voice and replace it with another's.

 _"You're stalling"_ _Lexa's voice whispered amused in my head._

I glared down at the bed and closed my eyes to focus on my image of her.

 _She lay beautiful and half naked beneath me, hands pinned behind her head with mine gripping them tightly. Her eyes smouldered at me, daring me to control her. And fuck did I want to._

 _I bit down on her shoulder again. Harder. She cried out with the pain and tipped her head back with closed eyes while my tongue brushed tenderly over the bite. I let my nose nuzzle against her throat, inhaling her scent deeply, before I dragged my mouth down to her chest. Lexa's body twitched anticipating where my lips would go._

 _A growl began in her throat when I took a breast into my mouth, intensifying hungrily when my tongue swirled around her nipple. Her hips bucked up to meet mine, sending a heat down my back, and she gasped a need to feel me already._

 _I wasted no time in releasing her hands to move mine down her body. She felt strong and lean. Completely powerful. Her muscles twitched and shook under my teasing hands and she growled at me. My body hummed desperately above her._

Niylah gasped sharply in my ear as I dragged my hand down her toned stomach to her waist. She lifted her hips as I flicked the catch on her pants. Her hands helped mine to pull them down her hips before I pulled them off her entirely. I settled back over her once they were flung aside.

My naked flesh was pressing hers. The warmth of it was almost too much. I held her eyes as I raised my knee to push her legs apart. I caught her moaning out when my eyes flashed down.

Niylah bucked as I swiftly settled myself between her legs and leant over her. She was pushing up against me, rolling her body up along mine to get me to come closer.

 _In my head Lexa was beckoning me in too. I let my hand guide itself as I bent down to kiss her again. She tensed with my fingers racing down her lower stomach to be inside her and she threw her head back to moan deeply with their filling presence._

Niylah's leg circled my waist and her hands embraced my back to keep me locked to her. She moaned out loudly while I pushed more into her and I felt her lips struggle to keep up against mine.

 _The commander panted shallow huffs against my mouth, growling lowly the moment I pushed another digit into stretching her deliciously wet walls wider. Her thighs shook beneath me and her hands scraped along my shoulders with her cry out._

I flinched at the sudden pain on my left shoulder and felt a warmth pool in my belly at its tingling presence. The sweet pain only added to the pressure I felt building between my legs. Niylah let out a quick gasp of guilty apology when she felt the open wounds bleeding on my back and immediately moved her hands away.

 _Lexa wasn't as sorry. She watched me curiously. As if she wondered what would happen if she did it again. I took her hand and threw it over my back. I wanted to know too._

Nails dragged up my back to catch on the claw marks again. I shuddered with their pain and let out my own low moan to their punishment. I felt hips rock up under my own with the torture. Like their owner enjoyed the sound of my voice being vulnerable. I pushed back against their slight canter and spread my fingers a little more inside of her. I pushed deep and fast, sweat forming on our body's at the heat created between us.

It felt like fire.

 _Like it always did around her._

Niylah was getting close to her own release. In my head Lexa was too. Both women were moaning heavily at my attention to their bodies. Both whispering my name like a prayer. It was Lexa's voice I focused on. She was the one I wanted to fuck. She was the one haunting my thoughts all the time.

She was the one I could never have.

I bowed my head to the pain in my heart and I took it out on Niylah's neck. Her body bucked strong against mine with my bite. So hard I almost fell off her. I tipped my head back and glanced down at her, meeting the deep swirl of her eyes just as they opened to look hazily up at me. At this angle Niylah looked incredibly attractive. Especially because she was writhing beautifully beneath me. But I didn't care about that. This wasn't for attraction.

I lowered myself over her and kissed her again. Softer. Slower. Tenderly bruising her lips while my hand picked up a faster pace, demanding her to give in to me and submit. She cried out more foreign words I couldn't understand and ground her hips down against my hand, deepening the pressure pushing deep inside her. I felt myself bite on her lip to stifle my own moan back at her. I had no idea what she was telling me but it had the heat in my belly rising higher. I felt my thighs slick with my building arousal. I knew anymore and I would come before Niylah did. And I couldn't have that.

I pushed deeper, harder. Setting a punishing pace to quicken her release. She shuddered beneath me, fingers slipping to the threads of hair at the back of my neck to pin me to her.

 _Lexa was tightening her hold in my hair. Pulling on it a little. I tingled with the pleasure-pain and moved my head back, smirking when she raised herself to take them back. I growled low against her pushing lips and pushed my tongue into her mouth again, fighting hers to be dominant while my fingers sank deeper and twisted inside her. I brought my thumb up to massage against her clit and let my tongue swirl around hers in time with my circles on her swollen flesh._

Niylah's hands held my face and she moaned out loudly suddenly against my lips when she finally came. Her back arched her up against me, breasts pushing against mine as she cried out with her orgasm. I felt her wetness run over my palm and pulled my hand away from her. Niylah whimpered a little feeling me take my fingers back.

I continued to kiss her as she sank tiredly against the furs, lips brushing lightly this time while my nose bumped against hers. She might have seen it as a tender need for affection. I just wanted to linger with Lexa a little longer. My tenderness was entirely for the commander pulling me down against her inside my head.

 _"You have to go" Lexa whispered sadly to me, kissing me some more. I whimpered back under the slight tease of her tongue. I didn't want to go anywhere._

 _"_ So it's true what they say"

Niylah's breathless voice anchored on to me and dragged me away from Lexa back to reality. I opened my eyes and found myself collapsed on top of the grounder, head rested against her calming chest. I pulled myself up and watched her sleepily smile at me. She stretched to tiredly kiss me. I let her but moved away the moment her hands raised to pull me against her.

I rolled my way off her and sank under the furs beside her. I felt exhausted. Never had I tired myself that much during sex. But then I'd never let my imagination run like that before. It made me wonder if real sex with the real Lexa would kill me. I hated how hard I wished I could try it and find out.

I rolled on my side and stared at the wall. Behind me Niylah settled on her side too. I felt her hand come up and stroke my neck gently. I shivered at its touch and drew myself further away from her.

"What do they say?" I asked curiously in a cracked voice.

Niylah's chest rumbled into my back as she leant over me to whisper in my ear.

" _You are a great commander"_ she husked kissing my ear and shoulder before she settled back down.

I glared at nothing. I wasn't a great commander.

I was nothing.

* * *

 _"Clarke"_

 _Bellamy moves towards me for the gun. He thinks I can't do it. He thinks I'm weak._

 _I straighten my aim and look down at the child spluttering for breath at my feet. Maybe I was weak but not for this._

 _I have the perfect shot. All I had to was shoot. So why wasn't I shooting?_

 _Bellamy took another step forward, hand extended for the gun. I panic suddenly. Suddenly I feel the deep desire to prove I'm not weak. I'm not._

 _Feeling is weakness, Lexa's voice whispered mockingly as the gun swayed again. I glared down at the boy._

 _She would do it. She'd have done it by now in a heartbeat. Because she was heartless._

 _So are you, my mind whispered with her. The gun shook in my grip, my aim lowering._

 _I looked down at the child. At his pained cries for his mother._

 _Love is weakness, Lexa's voice teased viciously, So are you._

 _I glared and nudged the gun away from Bellamy's approaching body. My finger hesitated on the trigger while my mind screamed back at her._

 _I was not weak!_

* * *

I lurched up crying out with the nightmare.

I panicked as I looked around myself at the room I didn't recognise and I jumped when the bed moved beneath me. I glanced down and registered the sleeping blonde naked on her front beside me. Then I began to calm and process.

I felt sick with myself as I stared at the marks on her neck. What had I done?

I picked up my vest off the end of the bed and pulled it over my head. Then I moved quietly around the room for the rest of my belongings. Niylah didn't wake as I tiptoed to the door. She looked so at peace when I glanced back to her. I wondered how she would react tomorrow when she woke and found me gone. Would she be disappointed or would she understand? I couldn't tell.

 _"I'm sorry"_ I told her moving back to the bed to stroke her head. I bent down and kissed it gently, _"_ Thank you" I whispered leaving her to sleep.

I collected my supplies off the counter downstairs and tipped them into my rucksack. I helped myself to a couple more bandages and the bottle of alcohol Niylah had left out last night. I wouldn't be hanging around for the jaguar supplies. I figured what I took was okay. She wouldn't mind.

I gave a quick study to my map again before folding it back into my pocket. I would leave the trading post tonight. I Wouldn't come back.

I stepped out into the snow and hiked the heavy rucksack further up my shoulder. I looked around at the darkness of the village down the hill. It was so cold outside. Freezing. Enough to tempt me back to Niylah's bed. My breath rose up in frost in front of me but I fought of the urge to return to Niylah. I wouldn't do that. I shivered in my jacket and moved forward instead.

Hands ripped me back suddenly and I was pulled back into a large cold body. I tried to scream out but an icy hand smothered my mouth.

 _"Hello, Wanheda"_

I looked back thinking his voice horribly familiar and met the dangerous smile of the man who'd been searching for me before. I began to struggle out of his grip but he wouldn't have it. His arm pushed on my chest, constricting my air until I choked to breathe. My vision blurred and I felt my body fall a little limp.

He let me go momentarily to check I wasn't dead yet and I shoved him away and ran, slipping on the ice on the ground under my feet. I heard him follow, laughing at my desperate attempt of escape.

I ran down the trail leaving the post and through the empty clearing marking the beginning of the forests. If I could get to the trees I could lose him.

I'd made it nearly to the woods when I heard a whizzing noise and felt a strong pain hit my neck. I reached up and pulled the wooden spike out.

My vision blurred under my frown for it and I collapsed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Tune!; Atlantis by Seafret.**

* * *

 ** _There are some lines you can't uncross..._**

* * *

 ** _Lexa._**

 _"May we meet again"_

 _My whisper hung behind me as I walked quickly away. My speed wasn't one of urgency but more desperation. I had to keep going. Even though every bone in my body was telling me to turn back. It was all wrong. So wrong._

 _My army marched away with me, silently following their leader even though they understood nothing. They had come to fight. Now they retreat. To them I'd saved our people without more blood shed and heartache._

 _Except mine._

 _It cried at me as I walked, begging. Why? Why had I chosen to break it again? I couldn't offer it an explanation. I didn't know._

 _A single tear was falling slowly down my cheek. It'd been making a gradual journey the moment I told her what I'd done. She was hurting right now, and far worse than what she would have if I'd gone through with our plan and we'd failed. Because it wasn't just a betrayal on her people or the alliance. It was a personal one. One I never wanted to take. Right now my heart was screaming in a rage with my head._

 _The tear slipped down my face as I breathed heavy from my pace. I caught it in my palm and stared down at it staining my skin black with the paint it'd washed off my face. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been Leska. And now.._

 _Now I would never get to be her again._

 _"Commander?"_

 _Indra followed when I broke away from my people and ran off the trail through the trees. I needed to be alone. I needed to breathe. But I couldn't. Indra chased after me, the two of us running to nowhere. I went until my lungs burned. The pain in my chest keeping me locked in somehow._

 _"Commander, whats wrong?" she asked when I finally gave way to the pain enough to stop. I shook my head at her and began pacing up and down._

 _I felt heavy. Too heavy. Indra stared as I pulled my armour off and threw it away from myself. I still felt heavy. She watched as more armour hit the ground. Then she strode over and gripped my elbow sharply. Her eyes looking concerned into mine told me I needed to get my control back. But I couldnt find it. Standing there breathing frantically I felt myself become lost._

 _Indra adressed me softly, voice teasing some calm into me. She told me it was okay. I threw her hands off me. She was wrong. Completely wrong._

 _"You made the right decision" she told me resting her hands over her sword hilt as I began pacing again. I ignored her but she wasn't finished._

 _"Your only responsibility was us, your people. They were not" Her tone dipped harshly and made me turn back to her. She took a couple steps towards me, "You are commander of the 12 clans. Not of the Sky. They will suffer this night but its possible they can survive. Without us"_

 _"Clarke will die in that mountain tonight" I whispered, heart wrenching tightly inside my chest. I knew I was right. Because I knew Clarke. She would never give up on her people. She will find a way in and she will get herself killed. And there was nothing I could do because I was too much of a coward to betray my people's laws and help her._

 _Indra studied my pain. She had tipped her head a little and was staring at me as if seeing me for the first time. Then she checked herself and looked over her shoulder back towards the army marching home. I knew her heart lay with our men. Mine lay entirely with Clarke._

 _"Stop" she braced her palm against my chest when I made to move past her. She shoved me back and scolded me like a child, "Your people need you. You. Not this unstable mess you've become over the sky people. They need the you you were before. Commander"_

 _Her eyes blew steel into mine and I knew if I tried to return to Clarke she would pull me back again. Because that was her job. As my general, clan leader and friend. Indra would not allow me to sink. Always she would remind me I was the commander first and Leska last. Because thats what my people needed. If I could not keep my emotions in check then i was a vulnerable leader easily replaced._

 _Right now everyone needed me to kill my heart._

 _"Leave me" I told her looking up again when she failed to do as commanded, "Leave!" I shouted at her. She didn't want to. She didn't trust me. But still she bowed in compliance._

 _"Commander" she said meaningfully before she turned and walked away. I glared harshly at her back as she went. I was angry she'd followed me. And I was angry she hadn't pushed me more. I wanted to fight. I wanted to release all this pain and anger inside of me. And if that meant killing Indra I would have._

 _"I made this choice with my head and not my heart" I repeated in a whisper to myself. I wanted to laugh at the unfairness of it all. It wasn't a choice. Because I never got to choose. Always these impossible decisions were made for me. It was the curse of the commander. And I hated her. I hated the commander. She was always cruel and precise. I was never allowed any happiness with her around. She killed clarke with her deals. She killed her._

 _"Agh!" I screamed out with my internal anguish and punched a tree in my rage, repeatedly hitting my fist into the bark until my bleeding hand cried out for no more. I fell to the ground and cried my agony to the stars._

 _I promised myself an oath then. I would never let myself think before my heart again. Just as I would never let myself love again. If clarke died tonight, then i didnt deserve that happiness. I would just simply survive._

 _I felt the rhythm change and die in my heart as it accepted my promise._

 _It would not let my head decide again._

* * *

"Commander?"

I blinked and withdrew from my memory to look back at the two Polis generals opposite me. I looked around at the others in the room before composing myself and pointing down at the maps in front of us for them to continue. They exchanged a slight look with each other, as if concerned for my attention in the discussion. I simply straightened myself and forced my mind away from Clarke once more.

"Today, please" I huffed slightly annoyed by their continued silence. One immediately stepped forward and pointed with his knife at the map.

"Rogue attacks in the mountains. Rogue attacks in the the villages near TonDc. Scouts reported near the south trade posts and-" I stood to view the map myself and the general stopped. He stepped aside for me as I walked to the maps, eyes running over all the places he'd mentioned.

"They're getting closer" I observed.

I stared at Clarke's wood again and then tore my eyes away to Ada stood beside me. We'd spoken briefly about what exactly the Ice Nation were trying to prove by killing innocent people. We agreed only holding Clarke now would gain us breathing space from the Ice Queen. If I controlled the power of Wanheda I stood to keep my control over the remaining clans.

 _I need her.._

Ada stood tense and was watching me intently. Like he knew my order already and was just waiting for me to speak it aloud to him.

 _"Go" I_ told him. He searched my expression and nodded. I turned myself as he hurried out of the room. He would ride to the woods himself and bring back Clarke and my warriors. She was far too valuable to leave in the way of the army coming at us. To my people and to me.

" _Indra,_ " she moved to me and I lowered my voice so only she would hear me speak, _"Where are these other sky people you met?"_

Her eyes moved over the map before she laid a finger down. I tipped my head a little and studied the woods Indra pointed to. I knew the area. I gave her orders to seek their settlement out but she shook her head at me.

" _Kane invited them back to the Ark_ " she told me in a rough voice. I sighed. They were banding together and that made it harder for me to assure my people they wouldn't attack us.

 _"Then send for Kane"_ I told her turning back to the generals. They were whispering amongst themselves. Exchanging battle plans and working out which way the Ice Nation would strike from.

"It doesn't matter which direction they attack from" I interrupted as i returned to my throne. I sat down and looked sternly back at them, "What matters is that they are coming"

"Then you agree the Ice Nation has declared war on us?" One asked stepping forward with a serious expression for me.

I nodded. It was definite now it was war. Nyko's failure to return to me had proved that much.

"Then send messengers!" He cried out, "Let our warriors pool to meet the traitor scum!"

I stared him down. I wouldn't have someone order me about. Much less a general. He lowered the fist he'd raised in his outburst and stood back in line with the other generals. I considered my options in the silence that followed. I could send for the clans and accept a war on Polis. Or I could hold out for another answer. Either way blood would spill following my decision.

I tapped my thigh impatiently. I wasn't sure what to do. And the longer I took to decide the further away my people's trust would slip.

A fear that was realised the second a general stood forward to question my decision.

"I will not yet send for the clans" I answered coldly, "Not until i have direct confirmation that it is the ice nation that seeks war with us"

"They attacked you in the open without provocation!" He argued angrily, voice raised in a loud shout that echoed about the room, "The blood of ten stain their fingers and yet you argue their direct influence?!"

" _Quiet!"_ I ordered feeling threatened by his outburst. My eyes cast around the room and i noticed other generals shaking their heads at me. Indra alone remained loyal.

"You heard your commander!" she shouted at them drawing her sword to gain their attention. She walked a line in front of them, temper set and teeth bared in her anger. I could only watch as she commanded their eyes to her,

"Silence your foolish whispers!" She barked stopping directly in front of me.

I swallowed my fear at the impressed glow in their eyes at her. They bowed down to her where they refused to for me, their commander. I found it very threatening.

"Indra, you are my direct general of the tree people, my own blood, what would you advise I do?" I asked watching the way her back tensed up under my direct demand for her opinion.

Indra turned her head and met the anger in my eyes for her actions. She sheathed her sword and I saw the silent beg in her eyes for forgiveness first before she answered.

" _It is not my place to question the judgment of my commander"_ she answered bowing her head. I nodded at her, her answer appeasing my anger a little.

I moved my eyes back to the others. I didn't say anything to them but it was clear what my threat to them was. Indra stepped away when I stood. I drew her aside and whispered for her to ready our horses. I had to get away from Polis and its politics so I might think on what I should do.

She nodded and left me to my generals. They watched me intently, worried I think for my next move. I paced slowly back to the maps with their eyes glowing on my back as I looked down at all their war plans. I knew war was coming. We all did.

 _But I don't know what to do._

With the mountain men I had to get my people back. I would work with the sky people if i had to. I would build coalitions too. But with one of our own nations against us, again, I didnt know how to procceed. Declaring war on one clan meant declaring war on myself. I knew the clans would break and then it would be a blood bath. And with so many of the clan leaders, and now generals too, who doubted my ability to lead I knew it would be an uneven battle. I would need far more than our plans and techniques. I would need the sky people. Which meant i needed an alliance. Which meant I needed clarke.

 _Except we dont know where she is,_ my heart whispered against my thoughts. I breathed in over the doubt brewing within myself. I was scared. For my people and myself. If I could not think of how to fix things fast with the sky people I knew I would be cast aside as commander. And then, in the words of the sky people..

 _I would truly be fucked._

"Commander, if you continue to ignore this for what it is then-" I cut off the speaker and turned back to face them. I had to buy myself time. Time for Clarke to return. For Nyko to send word. For Roan to place his head back into my hands. For anything to give me a deal so I could win this war. Because at the moment I had nothing and it was terrifying.

"I will summon the clans" I told them registering the relief crossing their expressions. I hesitated before adding, "When I hear news from Nyko"

My answer sent them into a refreshed rage. They shouted and they argued and all of them refused to hear me out. In the end I grew tired of the talks and walked away from them entirely. I would not stand there and have my leadership questioned by men of war. Not when their only interest was glory while mine was stuck fast on the survival of my people.

Indra was stood with our horses in the stables when I made it down the tower to the ground. She offered me my stallion's reins with a slight smile for my haggard expression. I took them and let out a long breath of exhaustion. She chuckled as she walked around to her horse.

" _You never did enjoy politics_ " she told me urging her horse to follow her. I shook my head at her and pulled my horse after me too.

" _It tires me when they go round and round in circles. They are like angry dogs chasing their tails"_

Indra laughed and sent me an understanding smile, " _Men"_ she said laughing some more. I nodded with a small smile for her.

We walked in silence through the town, our horses offering a loud clap to the excited chatter of the crowd as we passed through. I often had to urge the great stallion through small gatherings of people who had collected together to see their commander pass. I caught their bright smiles but I couldnt bear to return them when I knew what was coming for us. When I'd promised my people peace how could I openly smile for their coming deaths?

" _You are troubled_ " Indra observed leading the way out of the front gates.

I nodded and climbed up into my saddle. She followed suit with a glare for the sentry that asked if I required a guard on my trip out of the city. I smiled ruefully at her. Indra alone would act as an entire army if I needed it. I shook my head at him and kicked my horse on down the trail to the outer fields. Indra followed, eyes searching the world around us for danger as always.

" _I fear what is coming, Indra"_ I confided as soon as we were away from the city. She looked over at me surprised.

" _Commanders do not fear_ " She answered. I looked around us at the peaceful landscape. I imagined how damaged it would look under the Ice Nation's fury. It made me shiver with cold.

" _This one does"_ I looked around us at the wood we were headed into and let out a deep sigh, _"I fear this may be the last war the legend spoke of"_

" _Then rejoice, commander. You will live to see everlasting peace among our people"_

 _"_ Is it so easy for you to hold no true opinion?" I challenged nudging my horse into the path of hers. She reined her mare in and watched me cautiously. I stared her down and arched my brow for her reply, " _Speak true, Indra_ " I urged.

She looked down at her hands, " _I fear speaking the truth may hand me my death"_

"Not from me"

She still hesitated so I reached over and gripped her forearm. She flinched and looked up at me, her breaths hitching at my unusual kindness.

"Indra, you are my most trusted general. My oldest friend. _My sister_ " Her eyes swam heavy with emotion and I smiled at her, "Your death has never, and will never, be controlled by me. I swear on the spirit of the commander. So please, _speak true_ "

Indra pulled my hand down and clasped it tight in her own. I waited and she drew a deep breath, "Many believe you are changed since the mountain. There are rumours you have lost the commander spirit"

I withdrew from her and raced my mind over what she said. It explained why the generals had looked to her for order before. I swallowed down my fear and nodded for her to continue. When she didn't I spoke up.

"And you?"

Indra immediately shook her head at me and claimed her loyalty to me in an instant, even swinging a leg off her horse so she might kneel and pledge fealty. I chuckled despite my fears and quickly reached over to stop her jumping down from her horse.

"I believe you, Indra. There is no need to stain your clothes kneeling in the mud for me"

"But commander-" she silenced herself when i yanked her back into her saddle. I trained my eyes on her, feeling them lighten with laughter when the force of my pull nearly sent her tumbling back out of the saddle. Luckily for her both our reflexes caught her. Her disgruntled expression fell away when she saw me laughing and slowly it fell completely to be replaced with a slight smile. I studied it a moment. I hadn't seen Indra smile in a very long time.

" _Come"_ I said kicking my horse on again.

We began to ride west, following trails that only we as tree people could see, through the woods towards the open fields. There I let out my frustrations and rage at the world. My horse burst forward with my urging and together we chased ourselves away from the restraints of the commander. If only for a little while. Indra followed on with a careless laugh at my eagerness to leave the city behind.

"You should see yourself!" she called pushing her horse ahead of me with a daring smirk. I accepted her challenge and raced her to the edge of the clearing where the woods began again.

"Why?" I called back laughing as she allowed me to overtake her. Indra reined her horse to the left to avoid mine and shouted after me

"You look _free_!" she laughed. I smiled widely to myself. I did feel free. And yet, i was not.

 _Not yet.._

I slowed my horse down and we stopped to wait for Indra. My heart weighed heavy once more with clarke's voice whispering through my mind. I feared everything would always be not yet for me. War. Peace. Clarke. It all balanced on not yet.

"Commander?" indra panted coming to rest beside me. Beneath her her mare shook with exhaustion. I ignored indra's concern for my silence and instead suggested resting the horses for a while before continuing on our way.

" _What is our way?"_ she asked as we guided the horses down the valley of trees towards a slow stream. I offered no reply to her.

We dismounted at the stream's edge and let the horses drink. Indra's eyes stayed on me the entire time I stood scouting around us. I knew she worried for my mind. She always knew when it was fogged with unrest. I resisted her glances and instead moved to inspect the pack she had tied to my horse's saddle. I wasn't surprised to find my sword lashed firmly to the saddle beneath the pack. I untied it and held it up in question. She simply smiled back and nodded at it.

 _"I had a feeling we might not return as quick as others may expect"_

I nodded at her and threw the sword over my back. Indra approached me as I tightened the buckle across my chest.

"Commander, where are we going?"

I kept my expression light as I lied to her, " _Home, friend"_

I watched the way her eyes lifted happily with my answer. She moved back to her horse to mount up. With only an hours ride to TonDc she was very eager to return to her people. I shared in her eagerness but it was with a heavier heart than her. I wouldn't be staying there long. I had to find Clarke.

"Indra" I began mounting up and pushing my horse to walk beside hers. She looked back at me waiting, "That night at the mountain. What you said-"

"If I misstepped my place that night I apologise, commander"

I shook my head at her, "No. You didn't. But what I wish to discuss is what you spoke of. My weakness around the sky people. Do you believe it to be true?"

Indra's hesitation blew across her frown before she answered, _"Yes"_

"Explain"

"You have become... softer toward them. Where once you wished to kill 100 with triple the number in warriors, you now seek friendship and peace. I know it is only since knowing Clarke that you have spoken kindly of them" she looked back at me quickly, "I do not judge your feelings towards them. I know you will do whatever you must for your people. But that night at the mountain showed me you have a deep weakness for that girl. And I fear it will one day kill you"

I looked away to the sky and let out a tired breath. A deep weakness. That was exactly what I felt around Clarke. Her hold on my heart proved as much. When I didn't have her it ached consistently until I wavered in entire strength. Commanders should have no weakness and yet I had found mine in the sky.

" _I fear it also"_

Indra allowed me to rest inside my thoughts as we rode. They wrestled inside of me as we made our way closer to TonDc. What indra said concerned me greatly. Because she was right. I had grown kinder to the sky people. Maybe for the way they helped my kind but mostly for Clarke. It was becoming abundantly clear that I cared greatly for the sky princess. Dangerously so.

" _Commander_ ,"

I looked up from my hard frown at my horse's neck and peered back at the general beside me. She sat straight in her saddle, head tilted to the north with a hard frown of concentration,

" _Do you hear that?"_ she asked in a low voice that shook with fear. I forced my hearing ahead of us and I gasped at the screams I heard. We both looked away towards the sound. Towards TonDc.

 _"Ice Nation_ " I said kicking my horse into a fast gallop.

"They will not live after this" indra snarled racing on with me, " _Their fight is over"_ I nodded in agreement and readied myself for more bodies and blood waiting for us.

We raced the horses past the stream at the bottom of the village and urged them through the gates, both of us calling out to our warriors. We found some of them laying with slit throats and speared bellies. A sight that shook my vision red. Sounds of swords clashing caught my attention and I kicked my horse down the village towards the scourging post. Our eyes locked onto the strange men running wild through the village there. They tore down anyone in their path, warrior and villager. It brought fire to my soul.

 _"Let them taste blood"_ I growled leaping off my horse and unsheathing my sword. Indra followed my lead and stood beside me.

" _Let them burn"_ she answered. Her voice was so low and seeped in death even I felt fear. We strode forward with our swords ready, cutting down every single rogue warrior in our paths.

* * *

I was certain we'd gotten them all after cutting down my last man. He fell with hatred in eyes and an oath of my death at ice nation hands. If I needed confirmation for war before, I certainly had it now. I approached indra and worried an eye down to the hand she pressed against her side.

" _You are hurt_ " I said pulling her hand away. She shook her head at me.

" _Only in body"_ I met her strong gaze and nodded.

I turned and gave orders for a scout party to be sent out and perimeters to be made around the village. The men moved swiftly to carry out my orders. I turned back to speak with indra, stopping suddenly when I saw a shadow move across the camp at us.

I pulled her aside and took the warriors leap into me. He yelled out as we fell to the ground and slashed down with his knife. I felt its blade pierce my armour and touch on my shoulder. i screamed out at the pain. I could smell burning flesh as he withdrew it from my body and I stared at it when he moved his arm back to stab again. The tip was an angry shade of white, sizzling with my blood burning on the metal.

The warrior made to stab down again but i caught his wrist and pushed it off myself with a cry of pain when it strained my bleeding shoulder. He smiled at my torture and pushed harder down, the tip of the blade coming close to my throat, just branding the skin there. I rallied my strength, thoughts of clarke boosting it to new levels, and pushed up enough for me to kick him away.

Indra's sword was waiting for him when he fell back and he growled at it piercing his side. I stumbled to my feet and held my shoulder. Quickly i approached the man. Indra kicked his feet out from under him and held a knife to his throat. A villager had picked up my sword and held it out for me. I grabbed it and raised it in my hand with a fierce look for the man that had tried to kill me. His smile at what would be my mercy was enough to stop me mid swing. I held the point of the sword under his chin instead and glared down at him.

 _"Your fight has yet to finish"_ I spat pointing the sword closer to him. I looked up at indra, _"Lash him to the post. We will interrogate him before we grant him death"_

She nodded and hauled the man to his feet. A couple villagers moved forward to help her.

He stumbled a little and gave me a cold look, " _Your death will be granted to you soon too. Leska of the wood people"_

I ignored him and turned my back on them. My shoulder ached. I would need to see to it. After my people were safe.

I sheathed my sword as I took a step away. I looked up at the approaching sounds of a machine. I gripped my dagger at the new threat but shouts of my name had me spinning around.

Indra was unconscious on the ground, her sword in the hands of our prisoner. He rushed at me again, this time faster than before. I went for my sword at my back, hand holding the hilt just as he yelled out and aimed indras blade at my heart. I heard a sudden bang and watched as the prisoner fell to the ground, a bullet buried deep inside his head.

"You okay?"

I turned at the question and let go of my sword when I recognised my saviour. Raven stood by a tent, staring meanly at the dead man with her hands shaking around a gun. I nodded around my surprise and made my way quickly to her.

"What are you doing here?!" I demanded pulling her back to her machine. She stumbled with the force of my grip and yanked my hand off her.

"You're welcome" she grumbled limping back a step.

I frowned and looked down, eyes taking in the strange metal encasing her left leg. Her eyes followed my gaze and she shifted uncomfortably under my staring.

"You haven't answered my question" I told her meeting her eyes with a cold look. I didn't trust these people and their machines.

Raven tilted her head and gave me a brave look back. She crossed her arms and tipped her weight onto her good leg as she flicked her hair back over her shoulder.

"Neither have you" she told me just as coldly. I felt myself smile a little. I liked her spirit.

"I am fine"

"You're bleeding" she countered pointing at my shoulder. I ignored her and approached the machine she had arrived in.

I touched it cautiously. It was made of metal and hummed loudly under my touch, as if it were alive. Raven watched my study of it silently. Perhaps she enjoyed watching a savage look at their technology.

"Beauty, huh" she tapped it lovingly, "I call her Bec"

"What is it?" I asked in wonderment.

"It, is a pain in the ass to drive" a new voice grumbled stepping out of it. I felt my hand grip my dagger again at their approach but stilled it. It was another boy from the Ark, the one Clarke entrusted with their computers. He walked around the machine to stand by Raven.

I frowned at the pair as they nervously smiled at me. Why were they here?

The boy's eyes shifted away from me uncomfortably and he looked back at Raven before he coughed and stepped forward.

"We came to find you" he explained, "Nyko arrived at our camp a day ago. Injured"

I felt fear but hid it well under my calm expression. It unnerved the boy. Clearly he believed I would show emotion at my warriors fate.

 _Weak,_ my mind decided watching the boy. He looked to Raven when I remained silent and she quickly took up the lead in the conversation.

"He said somebody should find the commander and warn her"

"He lives?" I lifted my head, keen to hear their reply. Raven nodded at me and I moved. I noted the slip in her bravery the second I took the step forward. Her hands twitched a little towards the gun on her hip.

 _Not a fighter._

"Where is he now?" I demanded looking meanly down at them.

They exchanged a look before Raven told me. I withdrew a step, eyes heavy on them with my anger. Raven immediately took the step forward to defend her people's decision to invade the mountain against us,

"We had no choice. It was the only way to save Nyko"

I considered her a moment. She was quick to defend the actions of her people with a quick act of selfless bravery for one of mine. It was impressive. Nearly as much as the way she held my eyes. Refusing to back down.

 _Maybe a fighter after all._

I looked around at the carnage littering TonDC and it reminded me heavily of the night I'd walked back from hiding in the woods away from the bombing. There was as much suffering this day as there had been then. I turned back to Raven. All my anger at her people's betrayal vanished. They had done what was needed. Same as Clarke would have. Same as me.

"The ice nation is coming" I told them both. The boy looked confused. Raven looked scared. Obviously she had experience with them.

"Why?" The boy asked.

Raven rolled her eyes, "Monty, don't be stupid. You saw what just happened"

"I saw you shoot a guy" he whispered under his breath. I gave him a stern look and he apologised quickly.

"Have you seen Clarke?" Raven asked me hopefully. I met the prayer in her eyes that I had and my heart sank as I shook my head. Their eyes fell and they both looked broken by the news.

"My people need me" I said turning away on their sadness. I could feel it feed my own.

"Hey, wait a second!" Raven called limping after me.

I stopped to kneel beside an unconscious Indra and laid a hand over her brow. She was sweating and shaking. Her hands pushed firmly to the wound on her side. The village healer was speaking with his woman, talking of herbs he needed to heal the general. I spoke quietly with him.

"You can't just warn us about something and then turn away like its nothing" I heard Raven say as she stopped behind me. I carried on speaking with the healer in our tongue and I sensed it annoyed her greatly by the way she huffed behind us.

I rose to stand and faced her. She had her arms crossed again. Fire returning to her eyes. I tipped my head in acknowledgment of what she'd said and moved back to where my horse had bolted. Raven followed.

"You know, for someone who speaks a lot about keeping people safe, you have an annoying habit of turning your back"

I froze. My hand was raised to the horse to calm him but now I found myself in need of that comfort. I swallowed down any reply I might have for her and left her to the silence of my anger. Raven wasn't easily dissuaded though.

"I wonder if that's why you betrayed us back at the mountain"

I span back to her and found her glaring hard at me.

"You're the reason Clarke is out there" she told me before I could speak. She watched her sharp words sink in before she turned and limped away.

I took a step after her to tell her it wasn't me. I wasn't the one who had made Clarke kill those mountain men. But I stopped myself. Because in truth it was me.

Entirely.

I strode quickly back to monty and Raven. They were climbing into the machine ready to return to the Ark. I made myself swallow my pride as I approached and I put a hand on the door Raven was about to close.

"Your people may claim the mountain for now," I told them. They looked back at me gratefully. I continued darkly "But war is coming. And they should know better than to use mount weather as a safety hole"

Monty nodded and thanked me. Raven had her eyes narrowed suspiciously at me.

"And what do you get out of that?" She asked, her mistrust for me heavily evident in her voice.

I didn't answer. Just pushed the door shut. She stopped me though and pushed it open again.

"Earlier today Bellamy was stabbed by a grounder.. Trying to rescue Clarke" she informed. I looked back at her expression for signs of her lying. But her honest eyes shone back at me.

I pushed the door open wider.

"Where was this?" I questioned sharply staring down at her. Raven looked back at monty for the information and I nodded when he told me.

 _Not far.._

"Did he mention what the grounder looked like?" They shook their heads and I growled internally. I couldn't be sure if it was roan who had the girl.

"Hold up" Ravens eyes had been taking in mine, learning of the secret frustration hiding in them. She tilted her head in disbelief, "You've sent someone after her, haven't you?"

"You should return to the ark now" was my reply as I shut the door on her and strode quickly to the tent Indra was resting inside.

I heard an engine grind and roar behind me as I ducked my head to enter the tent and I felt relief at the sky people's leaving. I wasn't sure I could handle much more of their questions. Especially when Raven asked them. It seemed she had a gift for seeing though lies.

Indra was sat on a crate staring at the ground with pursed lips as the village healer sowed shut the deep cut in her side. Though her brow was still dampened with beads of sweat she looked as fierce as she ever had. Her eyes flashed to me the second I entered the tent and she quickly made to stand. I waved her down with nod in understanding to her.

" _You saved my life,_ heda" she whispered bowing her head in thanks. I smiled slightly at her.

"And how many times in battle have you done the same for me?" I returned gently. Indra's fingers crept down her side to the scars that counted her kills under her general's tattoo. All were kills she'd made in service to me. She smiled in thought.

"Too many" she replied wincing as the healer prodded her wound, "I take back my thanks" she added in humour.

I shook my head amused at her. I wasn't so used to this lighter Indra.

"What word of the attack?" She asked sucking in a breath when the healer drew his needle through her skin again.

"I'm waiting for my men to return from their scouting. The sky people may have scared them off in that machine of theirs"

Indra rolled her eyes at my thought, "That thing" she growled standing when the healer moved back, "It makes too much noise and is a pain to sit inside"

I blinked in surprise. I wouldn't have thought Indra would have allowed herself to use their technology.

She met my eyes and begrudgingly added, "But it is faster than a horse"

I smiled at the strained approval in her voice and stripped my bloody armour off. I called the healer over to inspect my wound while I spoke with her.

"The sky people inform me that Nyko was injured. He is with them now"

"And how are they treating him?" She asked through a narrowed gaze. I hesitated telling her. She would be mad.

"The mountain" I said frowning at the healer as he poked at the burnt flesh on my shoulder.

 _"Commander-_ " I shook my head at her

"I don't wish to hear more theories on sky people attacks, Indra. I have a big enough problem to settle"

She nodded respectfully and remained quiet.

" _Your shoulder seems in health, commander_ " the healer commented peering closely at it, _"The blade seared the wound shut on exit. However I will need to reopen and close the wound to draw out any possible toxins to keep infection away"_

He moved away to pick up his utensils and then shuffled back to me. I stopped him when his hand raised ready over my burnt shoulder.

" _Others are hurt"_ I told him gently, " _I will tend to this myself"_

" _As you wish, commander"_ he bowed leaving the tent to search for others needing his help.

Indra watched me quietly as I drew my knife from my belt and set it over my wound. I could hear her silent disapproval as plainly as if she'd spoken it aloud. It annoyed me greatly.

"Are you going to watch or are you going to get me a hot blade to seal this with?" I questioned aware her eyes watched me curiously. Indra seemed to shake herself and moved stiffly out of the tent to ready a knife for me.

I sank myself down on the crate once she was gone and tore a slip off my jacket to hold between my teeth. I glared down at the wound as I forced the knife beneath the tender flesh. My mind raced along Ravens accusations of me, of my transformation of Clarke. It angered me. Riled me. Enough to sink the blade deep within my shoulder to reopen the original wound. I groaned deep into my gag and closed my eyes against the pain searing across my chest. I dropped the knife and pressed my free hand to the bleeding wound. It shook over it, uncontrollably.

I saw visions of Clarke as I waited for indras return with the hot blade. Sweet images of her smiling and that frown she wore whenever she worked something out. My heart ached to be close to her again. But I knew I couldn't. Not yet.

 _"Commander"_

Indra entered the tent and looked down at me softly, like a mother looking at her child. I avoided her eyes and reached for the blade. Instead of giving it to me she stood fast by my side and gripped my shoulder strongly in her hand. I breathed sharply out and then faster still the second she pressed the hot blade flat against my flesh.

"You are planning on leaving again" she whispered touching the wound and then pressing the blade against my red skin again. I focused on her words as I clenched my jaw against the pain.

" _Yes"_ I answered breathing shakily out. Indra pressed the heat into me a little more, as if in punishment for my secrecy. I held onto the pain though. I refused to cry out.

 _"Why_?" She questioned.

I looked up at her, giving her a dark stare to silence her continued questions. Indra looked away to my shoulder again.

"Clarke" she said softly. I looked away without answer. In the corner of my eye I saw her shake her head.

" _You already have three warriors after her, Leska_ " I clenched a fist when she spoke my name, _"Do not endanger us all by seeking her out yourself"_

I stood up then and quickly donned my armour again. I kept her eyes as I strapped it over my hurt shoulder, refusing to show my pain.

"Your shoulder is not yet set" she warned picking up my sword for me. I snatched it off her and strapped it to my waist. She stopped me at the tent flap, a strong hand boldly touching my wrist.

" _You are commander first, Leska"_ she whispered gently.

I looked back at her and then pulled her hand down.

"I know my place, Indra. Do not forget yours"

I left her quickly and went to my horse. My heart was set on finding this place Clarke had been sighted at.

Indra watched me ride out of the village, her worn eyes following me with disapproval. I ignored the flash of guilt and shame it sent through me for my decision to seek Clarke myself.

 _Heart and not my head,_ I repeated to myself as I let the beat of my heart direct me faster after Clarke.

 _Heart and not my head. Heart and not my head. Heart and not my head.._

I stopped by the village gates and bowed my head. This time I knew I could not follow my heart. Not when it was needed with my people. I felt it sting sharply with my betrayal of it.

 _You promised!_ , it cried at me.

I held my head up and walked on back to the village.

 _I still promise,_ I thought. This would not be a betrayal to my heart. Because I knew Clarke would be back by my side soon enough.

* * *

"We've sent scouts here and here. Any reports of more attacks will be raised immediately"

I nodded and pointed at the mountain pass to Eden, "And the army Indra saw?"

The river general held my eyes long enough for me to understand. The army was coming closer.

"Set up sentries at every gate and entrance in the city" I ordered.

"Yes, commander"

"I want extra watches day and night. This army doesn't enter these walls"

He nodded again and walked out to set up extra guards.

I paced up and down anxiously by my throne with Titus and the other clan leaders watching me. They wanted reassurance. They wanted to hear their leader to share her strength. I quickly worked up what to say.

" _You all have a duty to protect your people,"_ I started meeting their eyes briefly, " _As I have a duty to protect you. But know this. The ice nation has waged a war on us. Their army is coming. And nobody will be safe once they are here. You need to stand strong with me now, more than you did before. If we are all to survive this, we must work together"_

They nodded in agreement and I took a seat with a nod for them all to leave and make preparations within their clans. Indra stayed with me. As did Titus and my other advisors. They spoke softly about the coming war while I sat impatient on my throne. My eyes strayed to the door every couple of seconds, waiting achingly for roan to walk through it with Clarke. It had been a day since skaikru had sighted her. Even without a horse he should have made it back by now.

"Have we heard any news from Ada?" I asked Indra while the others spoke. She bent her head down.

"None" her voice was heavy with worry and I shared her fear. Ada would have returned by now. Or at the very least we should have had news of his tracking roan. But nothing ghosted our way. Just silence and his loud absence from the war meetings.

 _"Commander_ " the door sentry called out to me.

I looked back at him and saw one of the city priests stood behind him seeking an audience with me. I nodded at the guard and he stood aside for the priest. He was a tall thin man, wearing a red robe like I'd seen in ancient books from the old world. Greeks, I think they were called, were the ones responsible for this terrible fashion. I glanced back at Indra as the man approached me and found her stifling a laugh at the man. I nudged her thigh with my elbow.

" _Cruci_ " I greeted him.

He bowed respectfully low at me and then idra. The advisors in the room were the ones to bow to him though. As we all should have if we didn't want to disrespect the gods. But I wasn't required to. As a commander I already was blessed with being a deity. And Indra I excused on behalf of the gods.

" _You have news for me?_ " I asked peering at his shaking frame. He nodded at me, " _Speak"_

" _I have had a vision_ " he told me going down to his knees in front of me.

I immediately leant forward in my seat. I was interested in what he had to say.

" _If the commander of the wood should bow to the ice then the world will see fire"_

" _What else?_ " I urged.

He licked is lips and another trembled rocked through his frame.

" _I saw visions of a scarred army laying waste to polis while mountains crumbled before it"_

Indra tutted beside me and muttered about religious fools. I silenced her and nodded him on.

" _Commander..."_ He hesitated and shook his head. I stared down at him waiting.

"Go on!" Indra barked for me. He flinched once and then sat straight and in a hoarse voice whispered,

" _The sky will fall to meet the earth and the world will turn dark. A commander shall die bowed at her hearts hand. And the ground will soak in blood"_

The room went deadly silent. All eyes were now on the man shaking in front of me. I stared down at the priest. If what he said was true, then I would die in this war.

" _Commander-_ "

I shushed Indra and thanked the priest. The guards came in to escort him back out. I was trying not to think on just how many visions through the years that had come true under different commanders. As far as I could remember it had been all of them.

" _Commander, you don't-"_

"Enough, Indra" I snapped.

"But-"

I threw her an angry look for her continued disobedience, "I said, enough!"

She backed down with a grudging bow. My attention returned to the door as the guards gave way to another seeking audience. My refusal to see anyone else today burned in my throat when I recognised the man striding forward.

 _Roan._

He walked in with cautious eyes looking around him, pushing forward his captive. My heart jumped nervously in my throat as he kicked them to their knees in front of me.

 _"Wanheda. As promised"_ he announced ripping the sack off the captive's head.

My heart stopped in the seconds it took to unveil her. I leant forward on my throne again and watched as her blonde hair fell away with the sack. Her eyes blinked rapidly against the light pouring in from the window behind me before focusing on me. I stood up in disbelief and matched her gaze.

 _Clarke._

I stepped down from my throne and over to her. My eyes taking her in greedily. I watched her take me in too. First in disbelief and then in anger. It made me tingle feeling those eyes on me again.

I cautiously slowed to stand in front of her.

"Hello Clarke"


	7. Chapter 7

**So I think it's fairly obvious now that my wing it storyline is just following the show... ah well. But h** **oly crap! I just hit 100 followers! :O That's never happened before. It feels like it's my birthday or something. Thanks so much! I love you all!**

 **Jukebox option: The Maze by Michael Schulte.**

* * *

 ** _Close your eyes and tell yourself you're not afraid..._**

* * *

 ** _Clarke._**

A hard jolt to my stomach got me blinking in the daylight with a quiet gasp at my surroundings. I was looking down at the ground. Except it was moving under me. I lurched upright only to get tilted back by a strong hand on my back. A chuckle gently followed.

"Wanheda wakes!" a voice laughed.

I looked down and realised I was resting on a shoulder. And when I saw whose it was I immediately started to struggle down. He barely noticed my thrashing about. The grounder simply rolled his shoulder up so that I tipped further down towards the ground. Instinctively I pulled my hands out to catch myself but I found them bound tightly together by some rope. I struggled to control my panicked breaths as I looked over my shoulder at the man carrying me easily on his.

"Who are you?!" I angrily demanded with a hard tap to his back when he ignored me. He bumped his shoulder again and I coughed when it winded me.

" _Where are you taking me?_ " I tried instead in Trigdeslang, just incase he didn't speak English. Again he ignored me in favour of walking faster.

 _"You could at least tell me how long I've been out for_ " I grumbled as I touched my neck. I gasped at the sharp sting that came under my touch. I could remember pulling the needle out but there was nothing past that. What had he shot me with?

I tipped my head up with his faithful silence and strained to see where exactly we were. I didn't recognise anything. All I could see were trees, like we were walking through a dense forest. Every couple of steps the grounder carrying me had to grip me tight and swing to the side to slip through tight spaces in the trees, or duck beneath the low branches blocking his path. But not once did his pace slow. He was in a rush for some reason.

 _A rush to get wanheda to somebody_ , I concluded. He wasn't going to kill me yet. He could have done it outright before. Either he was waiting for a public ceremony or...

 _Or he's working for someone._

" _You're a bounty hunter_ " I realised peering over my shoulder at him.

"You talk too much" he finally replied carrying on with his walk. I rolled my eyes at his gruff tone.

"I can walk, you know"

He surprised me when he reached up with a hand and grabbed the back of my jacket. I yelped in pain as he easily flung me off his shoulder and stood me square on the ground in front of him. I winced when the sudden shock rolled up my feet into my legs. I glared at him.

"Better?" He asked, eyes set deeply on me to say anything but a yes would give me more trouble.

I nodded innocently back and he pointed ahead of us in a gesture to make me walk. I glanced down the trail and then back at him. He took an impatient step to push me on and I moved forward quickly to knee him in the side. He doubled over winded and I ran.

Unfortunately I didn't get far.

Again.

I huffed annoyed and blew the blood off my chin as I glared at him. His handling of me had been fucking unfair. I bit down on the slip of cloth he'd tied around my head to gag me and blew out angry. He ignored my pissed expression and looked down at his fingers tying a piece of rope to my bind hands so he could lead me around like some animal.

"Now," he stood back and gave me a tiny smirk, "You walk"

He began striding away and I put up a last show of defiance by standing still. I heard him growl to himself before I felt him yank hard on the rope. I cried out when the rope bit into the skin on my wrist and I immediately stepped forward to slacken it.

"You learn quickly, Wanheda" he called tugging me forward again but gentler this time. I glared at his back and reluctantly followed in his steps.

I carried on walking after him, trying my best to keep enough of a pace up to keep my wrists from torture. But he made it hard. I'd forgotten how quick grounders walked when they wanted. Frequently he had to slow down enough for me to catch up, only to return to his original pace and repeat himself over. It made him angry. I could tell by the way his back kept tensing every time I slipped over a tree root and caused his hand to fly back with the lead. It hurt but I carried on making a nuisance of myself for him. I guess I hoped he'd get bored enough to give up.

 _He's not going to_ , I thought hopeless as he carried on for the twentieth time, this time cursing under his breath.

He yanked me forward again. I looked around us for a way to escape while I stumbled to keep up. The wood was clearing, the trees thinning. He was taking me down a steady hill and off the trail into the trees again. After a while he lead me down a slight slope and jumped down onto shingle.

I froze when I made it down myself. It was the river I'd crossed with Anya.

My eyes searched up the water to the felled tree I knew would be sat waiting by the waters edge. My breath caught a little in my throat when I saw it. We'd sat there. After jumping off the dam. Before she died. Trying to help me.

"Keep up!"

I blinked away from my memory of the grounder leader and focused back on the one in front of me. He walked quickly across the pebbles towards the stream pulling me after him. I watched curious as he allowed his boots to submerge in the surf as he strode along the waters edge.

 _He's washing his tracks.._ My eyes followed his feet. I was curious to learn more from this strange grounder.

The sun was fully risen by the time we made it down the length of the stream to the river. By then I'd calculated exactly where we were. We'd walked at least five hours along the river. We were fast approaching the woods that outlined the outskirts of TonDC. And no way could I be anywhere near there.

I'd sized up the grounder too on the walk. His jacket made him seem big but I guessed he was pretty average sized under all the furs lining his coat. Still not big enough for me to take on straight up but small enough for me to surprise him. I just had to figure out how. When he moved so fast it was hard getting anything on him. I stared at his back as I made different plans in my head. My eyes studied it. I was trying to guess what animal pelt he'd used. I didn't recognise the fur. And why was it so thick? It wasn't so cold here this side of the trading post.

My mind ached with the headache of my thoughts. I was still trying to grasp how I'd managed to get myself caught. I thought continually about how to get away.

What would Bellamy do?

 _Probably wouldn't get caught_.

Octavia?

 _Would have killed the guy the second he grabbed her._

I frowned and tried to think like a grounder.

Lincoln?

 _Would wait for a chance to attack and then run._

 _What would Lexa do?_ , my mind whispered back.

My chest flared up in retaliation to the question. I didn't want to think like her. Doing that had got me in this mess in the first place. Ever since that night in the mountain I'd hardened my heart to being like her.

But even as I told myself I wouldn't try lexa's way my eyes were slipping around for weapons and attacks. She would attack and kill. Because she was hardcore cruel that way. In my head I could easily picture her silently quicken her pace. She'd give the rope enough slack for her to bend down for a sharp stone from the shingle beneath her boots. Then it was just a matter of sneaking up on the grounder and stabbing him.

 _Easy._

I shook my head. That wasn't me. I wasn't a killer.

 _Yes_ , my heart sank painfully with the memory of Mount Weather, _you are._

A forceful tug on my wrists dragged me out of my guilt and forward a couple steps, flashing my mind white with pain. My eyes swept down to my hands and I clenched my jaw when I saw the blood smearing against the rope. If he didn't cut it out he'd cause some serious damage to my hands.

 _Fuck it,_ I thought glaring at his back. I was in danger with this man. Killing him was my only way out.

I allowed myself to fall into Lexa's way of mind with my decision to kill him and I did as she would. Searching the ground I couldn't see any stones big enough to knock him out with or stab. But there was the river. And he was still walking dangerously close to it. I swallowed my fear down. I knew if I failed to kill him I would die under his rage.

 _How do I get close enough?_

I thought about rushing him but dismissed the idea. He would hear me running and catch me. I thought about refusing to walk. But again, he would stop my plan. Then I thought about his impression of me. All along our walk he'd been calling me out and laughing at the great and pathetic wanheda. He thought I was weak. And slow.

 _Maybe I can use that.._

I waited for the river to wind out. I knew on the boundaries of the tree people's village the river was at its widest, meaning the edge of it would be deep enough to sink up to your knees.

Or deep enough to drown a man.

His steps began leaving the edge of the river once we saw the forest again and I panicked at him tugging me away towards the trees. I pulled back on the rope to gain his attention and then did what most weak ass blonde girls do.

I fainted.

I collapsed to the ground and let myself fall limp as if I'd lost consciousness. I felt the rope tighten on my wrists and I bit my lip to keep from crying out when he tugged at it. I heard him turn back towards me when he felt the heavy weight on the line. He yanked on the rope again, hard enough so that my body dragged along the shingle beneath me. I could taste blood as I felt all the sharp edges of the stones pull up my vest and cut into my side. But I stayed quiet and strengthened my dead look as he walked back to me. A shadow fell across my face and I felt him kick his boot into my side.

"On your feet" he ordered tugging the rope a little. When I gave no response I heard him sigh frustrated,

"Looks like the great Wanheda is human after all" he remarked calmly and nudged my side again.

I ignored the pain it sent through my body and listened as the rope fell completely to the ground beside my head and he twisted away. I peered over at him crouching by the water and silently crept up. I wound the rope lead around my hands and pulled it taunt as I crept up on him with the same silent footsteps I'd learned from him on our walk.

I hesitated only momentarily. I could run. I could go and he would live. He wouldn't be another life on my chart. But then if I did he would kill me.

 _So kill him first,_ Lexa's voice commanded in my head.

I gripped the rope tighter and walked on, stopping behind him as he dunked his canteen into the water. I saw a reflection of myself as he stood and I moved to strike him. I looked wild and cruel.

Just like her.

The grounder grunted with surprise when I leapt up onto his back and he choked as I pulled my hands over either side of his head, yanking it back with the rope cutting deep into his throat to cut off his air supply. He grappled with me, trying to push his fingers up under the rope to save his neck. I simply leant back and pulled tighter. His footing slipped over the shingle with our struggle and he fell forwards, splashing into the river. I held on tighter, making sure to squeeze his sides with my thighs so I could stay seated on his back. He fell completely after a moment and I braced myself against the shock of the water.

My body pinned his under the water and I quickly rotated myself so I could crouch over him while my foot was planted on the riverbed. A strong position to hold against his thrashing about. I could feel his struggles become weaker as he failed to find breath and I counted in my head. I knew it took four to six minutes without oxygen to make you pass out. 6 definitely to drown. Right now I was on five.

I moved with him when his body floated forward a little and kept it pinned down. I pulled the rope tighter around his neck, strangling him under the water. He splashed about frantically and I made sure to keep my grip tight until he went lax under the water. I took a deep breath when he was dead and pulled my hands out of the freezing water. I pulled the gag out of my mouth and stood in the cold river by his body breathing hard. I stared down at him. He looked pathetic on his front like that. And I felt really bad. Why the fuck did I feel bad?

I felt the body under me lurch upwards suddenly and I tripped back when his head bashed against mine. Dazed, I cried out with fright and instinctively took a step back. A wet pair of hands reached back and grabbed me by my head. I braced my hands against him but he was quicker. In a flash he hauled me over his shoulder and into the water. I felt it cold and it stung as it made its way down into my lungs and I gasped my breath away hitting the water. I immediately tried to get up again but he grabbed my shoulder and yanked me back and under the water.

I instinctively panicked and lashed out against the weight holding me down, thrashing madly in the water. I could see him in the ripples of air above me looking closely down at me as he held me down. I tried clawing at his face but he moved his head away and pushed down harder. I felt myself choke on the red water seeping into my mouth and I knew my countdown was hitting critical.

Just as I was about to black out though he stopped and pulled me back up into the air. I choked on it and spat out the water in my throat.

"Now" he said calling my attention back. I wiped my hair out of my eyes and saw him staring at it, "That's better" he said smiling smugly.

I just stared back at him. His wet hair was clinging to his face giving me a good view of him for the first time. I followed a chiselled jaw up to his cheek where a scar drew a curve around his cheekbone and eye. I stared at the design standing white against the dirt on his skin and gasped. I'd seen that brand before on other grounders that had been searching for wanheda.

"You're Ice Nation!"

He didn't answer. But he didn't need to. He was Ice Nation. And that meant I was definitely going to die.

He hauled me out of the water by my bound hands. I stumbled over the shingle and he threw me to the ground. I sat there shivering and watched him as he pulled the the rope up into his fingers and shortened it to tie to his own wrist so I couldn't attack him again. I didn't blame him. I wouldn't trust me either.

"Think you can walk like a good commander of death?" He asked yanking me up to my feet again. I stumbled against him but he caught me and with a smile said, "Or do you want another ride?"

I glared back at him,

"I'll walk"

* * *

"Where are we?" I asked as he lead me into another field. We'd been walking the best part of the day and not once did he offer any hint of where he was taking me.

"Quiet" he mumbled staring off into the distance. I scoffed at him.

"Is that all you're capable of saying? Be quiet. Get up. Be a good Wanheda, blah blah blah" He ignored me and it annoyed me how it wasn't pissing him off like I wanted. I wanted him to attack me so I could have a chance at maybe knocking him out. It sure as hell beat walking to nowhere. If I was going to die I wanted it over with already.

"Grounders are stupid" I said a little louder knowing from experience that it was a trigger for most of them. He didn't respond. Just kept staring. I frowned and looked too, yelping suddenly when he grabbed me and dumped me on my ass at his feet.

"He-" He yanked the gag up into my mouth and then shoved me to my back. He gave me a short look, eyes icy in serious threat.

"Quiet" He crouched beside me and ducked his head below the grain stalks. Hiding. Slowly he moved back and pulled me up to sitting.

His eyes cast over the field and I looked too. I saw three grounders walking past, muttering between themselves. My captor watched them with a mean look in his eyes as he waited for them to move on.

"Ice Nation scouts" he told me looking worried. He watched them then started to creep back, "Come on. We backtrack then we go around"

I watched his expression as he peered back at the other grounders. If they were Ice Nation too why was he so worried? It didn't make sense to me.

He gripped my arm to pull me up and I had an idea. I started to loudly cry out over the gag. His eyes snapped back to my face, first in worry then in annoyance. He'd have to fight his way out now. He'd be too busy to be able to hold me down too. And he knew that. I gave him a slight smirk as the other grounders called over. The one in front of me released an angry breath when they started headed our way.

"Their deaths are on you" He told me confidently as he pulled a sack out of his jacket and fixed it over my head. I swallowed and let him pull me to my feet. I stumbled blindly to a stop beside him and tried my hardest to see through the tiny gaps in the sack's fabric to see what was happening.

" _Easy"_ my captive warned out to them, " _I don't want trouble"_

He must have shown them his scar because one of the grounders said, " _He's Ice Nation_ " and then, _"Who's this?"_

I thought for a second he'd lie and tell them I was nobody. Just a thief that had wronged him. He surprised me when he revealed the truth. Maybe he did it hoping they could help him take me back to their queen.

 _He knows they'll fight him for me_ , I realised. He wasn't trying to gain their trust or help. He was trying to get this over with quick so he could get me back to his queen on his own.

I sucked in a deep breath and tensed myself to run. The second they started fighting I was out of here.

I heard footsteps come closer and I shifted a little. My captor tightened his grip on my arm and allowed the scout to come close enough to pull the sack off my head. When they saw my face they got excited.

 _"We'll be set for life!_ " The leader crowed pointing at me, _"Take her"_

My captor shook his head, " _I can't let you do that"_

I turned my boots ready and watched them all tense up to fight. Their hands went to their swords and bow. Any second now they'd kill my captor and catch me. I glanced nervous at him. Why wasn't he pulling a knife or something? I needed him to distract them!

As if sensing my impatience my captor dropped the rope and I sprinted as fast as I could away. I heard shouting and swords clanging together as I ran over the grain stalks and I prayed they were all putting up a good fight. I needed this head start if i was going to be free again.

I didn't realise I'd been chased after until the grounder landed on top of me dead. I struggled under his weight and when it was evident I wouldn't be able to pull myself out from under him because of my bound hands I lay there, accepting my fate. The winning grounder would no doubt kill me now.

The fighting didn't last long. Whoever won did it quick. I heard him throw down his opponent and walk back to me. I looked around on the ground beside me as he approached and my eyes caught on a knife laying by my head. My stalker must have dropped it when he fell on me. I quickly snatched it and hid it under me just as the footsteps stopped.

"Didn't have to be this way" It was my original captor. I breathed out. His voice relieved me as he bent down to pull the other guy off me. At least he wouldn't try to kill me first.

I heard him reach down and felt his fingers pinch a hold on my jacket. I rushed to my knees and knocked his hands off me so I could pivot to stab him in the stomach. He yelled out at the pain and quickly fought off my second go at him by grabbing my arm and pulling the knife back against my throat. He looked pissed. Like, really pissed. I matched his glare and dared him to do it. His eyes watched mine. He seemed to be struggling with himself. The knife pressed closer a second but I wasn't scared at all.

"If you were gonna kill me you would have done it already" I told him bravely despite whispering it. I saw a muscle jump in his cheek and his face twitched before he moved the knife away a little.

"There's still time" He growled pulling my gag on again and spinning me around.

He pushed me forward and nodded to the woods on the edge of the field. I ignored him and looked over my shoulder behind us. He pushed me again when I failed to walk. I was listening to the air around us. I could hear someone coming. Lots of them. Like an army. My heart bumped questioningly in my chest when I thought about the only grounder army i'd seen before.

 _Lexa?_

I didn't know where I was exactly but I knew Lexa commanded everything this side of the dead zone. If that was an army coming at us it was certainly hers. I didnt really know how to feel about seeing her again but I'd take a smug or even a fucking furious lexa over this jackass. Any day.

The grounder prodded me with the knife again. He'd heard the approaching noise too and was worried for our position out in the open. He put a hand on my shoulder and began marching me through the field.

"Walk or be carried. Either way you are going that way" He told me walking ahead of me with the rope lead in his hand again.

I walked slow behind him, trying to wait out for the army to show up and see me. My head whipped around trying to see out over the grain stalks to the other side of the field. But I couldn't see anyone in the woods there. I could only hear them.

I felt my hope die again when he managed to drag me off the field completely. There went my rescue.

He ducked under a tree branch into the darkness of the wood again and I followed quickly behind. Right now he was the only thing keeping me alive. If there were three scouts there then there were definitely more. I could only hope a large group of them walked into us and killed him.

His breathing rasped out a little deeply as he directed me through the undergrowth and I got some pleasure in hearing his tiny gasps of pain when walking his normal stride made him hurt.

"This way" he grunted pulling on the lead.

I glared at his back and followed him around a tree to a concrete post hiding beside the bushes next to it. I frowned at it and then at him as he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. He unfolded it and studied the crude drawings. I tilted my head at it. It was a map. I tried to get a closer look but he folded it quickly and pulled me around the post to some steps leading to a bunker. He sagged against it for a second, hand pressed against his side. When he pulled it away it was covered in blood. He was bleeding out. Slowly. I tried to hide my smile.

 _I still might get out of here_ , I thought hopefully.

The grounder braced his hand against the post and pushed himself and me onwards down the stairs. When I looked back at the ground above i saw the post had been tattooed with his bloody handprint.

 _Definitely getting out of here._

I just had to wait out the night.

* * *

I pulled at the rope tying me to the wall behind me. The itchy rope slipped along the smooth stone, giving me nothing. I sighed in defeat and sank back. My eyes moved over to the corner where the open door was. I wondered if it was worth screaming for help. Probably not. He'd gag me again. I tipped my head back and watched the light from the fire he'd lit play with the shadows on the ceiling. I shivered thinking about how warm it must be over there next to it.

A soft scrape of metal on stone drew my attention away to the space behind me and I watched as he walked stiffly past me and pulled his shirt over his head. I looked down his defined chest and studied the wound on his stomach. I wanted to smack myself. Couple more inches with my aim and he'd be dead right now.

Talk about amateur.

The grounder turned away from me and moved to the corner of the room. He tilted his body towards the light from the door there and studied his wound. I took the time to openly stare at his back. There were no tattoos like i'd expected. Just a lot of scars. Clearly he was a skilled fighter to have gained that many kills marks.

He looked down at himself and poked the cut with a soft grunt when it pained him, "Another inch and I'd be dead. Maybe you're not the Commander of Death after all" I didnt reply. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing i was pissed too,

"Now she's quiet" he mused.

"Why are you hiding from your own people?" I asked.

"Why'd you run away from yours?" he countered. I looked away without answer. I didn't want to talk about my guilt.

He limped back to the fire and bent for the knife he'd been heating in the embers. He raised it to the wound and I winced hearing him cauterise it shut. His back tensed, every muscle in it standing taunt as it absorbed the pain. I hated to admit it impressed me how little he flinched. Most men would have screamed. I would have.

"The great Wanheda" he said turning back to me with the knife raised in his hand. He stopped in front of me and waved the hot blade in my face, "Mountain slayer" He mocked with a sarcastic laugh in his voice. I levelled my gaze at him.

"I'm no one"

"Lot of people out there right now looking for no one" He smirked moving the blade away. I decided then I was tired with his teasing and spoke up about my curiosity surrounding him.

"You're obviously not loyal to the Ice Nation, so why are you taking me there?" He remained silent and strode back to the fire, "Look, whatever the Ice Queen is giving you, my people will offer you more" I assured confidently. Because I knew my mom would sell her soul to the devil in a heartbeat if it got me back. Bellamy too.

The grounder threw my offer aside.

"Doubt that" he said softly, "Not for someone who abandoned them" I glared after him.

"You don't know anything about me" I snapped angrily.

"I know you took the coward's way out" He replied. My skin flashed with heat.

"Like you're so different. You're in disguise, same as me. You're on the run, same as me. In the wilderness, same as me-"

"I was banished" he spat bitterly, "Nothing like you. You had a choice" he turned and walked back to me, anger and pain alight in his eyes as he glared down at me, "And no, I can't take you home to your people because you're the way back home to mine"

I stared at him. It all made sense now. He couldn't kill me because i was his ticket back to his clan. The grounder gave me a grim look when I opened my mouth to ask more questions. He reached down and tucked the gag back on and told me to shut up and go to sleep already.

"We leave at first light" He warned moving himself away to the other side of the room. I knocked my head back against the wall. I was fucked. I was totally fucking fucked.

I breathed my anger out and slowly allowed myself to calm down. I was scared to shit but letting myself feel fear wouldn't help me out. I made a face at how Lexa I sounded to myself. That was the type of inspiring bullshit she'd feed me. I sighed miserably to myself.

 _You miss her_ , my mind whispered softly. My heart throbbed in agreement. I shook my head.

 _I hate her._

 _It wasn't her fault,_ they reminded. I felt a few tears build up behind my eyes. I blinked rapidly to keep them in. I wouldn't cry over her. Ever.

 _It was completely her fault._

I stayed awake for hours, thinking about everything. The ice nation. Lexa. The Ark. Even Niylah crossed my mind a few times. I dont know why. Maybe I was trying to pinpoint the exact moment in my life when things went crazy. All awhile I was picking at the rope binding my wrists to the wall. I could hear the grounder sleeping in the corner. It'd taken him hours to settle enough and believe his prisoner was going nowhere before he let himself pass out. I stayed awake though. I didn't want to give him the chance to kill me in my sleep. And I didnt want to see my nightmares again.

I was drifting off a little when I heard a noise outside the door behind me. Somebody was coming down. I looked up over my shoulder trying to see the intruder. They walked down the stairs. I could hear them breathing as they looked around. And then they came closer. I inched back against my wall and held my breath.

The intruder walked around the wall with their sword raised out ahead of them. I caught a glimpse of their furs before they sneaked out of my line of vision. My heart hammered in my chest. I was afraid this was it. I flinched at the footsteps circling the wall and I immediately looked up when they saw me and bent down. My heart stopped.

 _Bellamy!_

He beamed at me and brushed my hair out of my eyes. His were running all over my face as if it'd been years and not months since we last saw each other. I felt relief and sadness at his appearance. I was glad he was here, it was like home had come to me. But at the same time I didn't want him to be the one to save me. I didn't want any of my people here. It made me hurt too much.

"I'll get you out of here" he promised pulling the gag out of my mouth. Movement in the corner caught my eye and I cried out at Bellamy when the grounder moved away from the shadows to attack him.

Bellamy looked up in shock and managed to turn in time to catch the grounder's sword on his own. The grounder kicked out though and knocked bellamy to his back. He strode forward fast and pinned bellamys sword arm to the floor with his foot, his own sword hovering point to chin with bellamy.

"Oh please, please don't!" I begged desperate to save bellamy. I couldnt and wouldnt let his death follow all the others i couldnt keep safe, " I'll do anything, I'll stop fighting. Just please don't kill him"

The grounder looked back at me. He saw the honesty in my eyes and leaned away. I shakily breathed out when he let Bellamy up.

"Thank you" I told him.

He ignored me and turned, only to spin back and stab his knife down into Bellamy's leg. I watched horrified as my friend screamed out and clutched at his leg. The ground leant over him.

"Don't follow us" He warned before he stood and kicked Bellamy in the face, knocking him out. He then turned to me and cut the rope free. I was hauled to my feet and shoved around an unconscious Bellamy to the door. My eyes stayed on my friend every second he took to drag me out of there. I didn't want to leave Bellamy.

"Remember your promise" he muttered to me as he pushed me up the stairs to the woods, "It'll be too easy to go back and put that knife somewhere else"

I nodded and walked fast beside him. Bellamy's life was in my hands. I had to keep it safe.

"Which way?" I asked.

He grinned at me and slipped the map out of his pocket. He stared down at it for a couple seconds then tucked it away with a point to the trail.

"That way"

We walked in silence, both of us eager to avoid talking with the other. The sun rose slowly over the hills east of us, giving me direction to where exactly I was. I vaguely recognised the wood but I think I was still too much in shock to focus on figuring out where we were headed. I worried about Bellamy constantly as I pushed myself to keep up with the grounder. I worried he would bleed out. I worried he'd lose mobility in his leg. I worried other grounders would find him. I just worried. And I didn't like having that pressure back on me. I didn't like worrying about the people I loved.

"Through there" he mumbled suddenly.

I looked at where he was looking and read the sign ordering no weapons be carried past this point. I swallowed and took a step back. This must be the Ice Nation. The grounder placed a hand on my shoulder and when I didn't move her prodded his thumb into the claw marks on my back. I gasped and flinched forward to avoid more pain. He followed.

He stopped me half a mile down the track and threw the sack over my head again. I stumbled on with him as my guide, listening hard to the strange world around me.

" _Stop!"_ I heard shouted at us. The grounder immediately stopped and held my arm tight. Heavy footsteps approached and the same voice asked who we were and what we wanted.

The grounder replied, " _I have a gift for the leader of this city. A prize she has been searching for for a very long time"_

I shook a little in my fear and jumped when I was forced on again. I saw the blurry outline of another grounder leading us through a gate into a street of people. I jumped at every sound. I didn't like this.

The grounder spoke with my captor and told me we were expected on the top floor. I frowned. Top floor? Of what?

"I hope you enjoy stairs" My captor sighed pushing me forward again.

I felt the air change and assumed we'd just walked into a building. He lead me a couple steps forward then touched my hand. I yanked it away from him.

"Trust me" he said taking it back. He moved it down to my side and my fingers glanced something cold. I ran them along a smooth surface and he told me to grip it and walk. I took a step and stumbled. I looked down and saw I was walking up some stairs and he'd just given me the bannister to hold on to.

 _Why is he being nice?_

 _"Keep moving, Wanheda"_ he whispered pushing me on.

I climbed. And I climbed. And I climbed. I could only guess how many levels of stairs we were going up. It was exhausting. I wondered what sort of building this was. Maybe a skyscraper. I'd seen pictures of tall buildings that touched the clouds. I bet they took ages to climb, like this. I knew from my history that they had a tonne of skyscrapers in the big cities back before the bombs. If one managed to survive the apocalypse it seemed ideal to move a kingdom in.

 _"What will you do when your banishment is lifted?"_ I asked him to lift the silence of our climb. He was silent for a long time before he answered.

 _"Be with my people"_ he said simply. And then added longingly, " _Where I belong"_

 _"And me?"_ I asked fearful for his reply. He didnt answer. I swallowed again and tipped my head towards him, _"Thanks for not killing my friend"_

 _"_ Do not be so quick to thank me. You will want to kill me soon enough"

"What do you mean?" Surely I was about to die. Why should he fear my killing him?

He ignored my question in favour of pulling me off the stairs. I walked slowly with him into another echoing corridor. We were stopped again outside another room and he pulled the sack off my head to pull my gag up. I looked around us but the walls were dirty and bare. There was no clue to help me figure out where or how high up i was. He met my eyes on my return glance and for the first time I saw a flash of regret fill his.

 _"Im sorry"_ He told me. He span me around when I looked back at him confused and put the sack back over my head. I was blinded again and being lead to my death.

I felt my breaths come up faster. Felt my heart skip crazy. I felt like throwing up. I never imagined i'd escape space just to be slaughtered on earth.

I could hear raised voices from inside as we approached a new room. I didnt recognise any of them though. A new guard approached us to demand to know what we wanted. I was pushed forward though. I guess my guy wasnt waiting for an invite.

I was pushed through the voices and was surprised to hear our presence silenced them immediately. I was thrown forward suddenly and my legs knocked away from me. I fell painfully to my knees and waited.

 _"Wanheda"_ my captor announced, _"As promised'_

He pulled the sack off my head and I blinked rapidly against the dazzling light shining in my face. When my vision readjusted I looked up at the throne in front of me, ready to look into the face of the bitch who would kill me.

My heart flatlined when I saw her stand to look at me.

 _Lexa?!_

My mind flipped out while my heart beat feverishly inside of me. I couldn't believe it was her. Actually her. I ran my eyes all over her. Head to toe memorising what she looked like again. My lungs started aching and I realised i was holding my breath.

She stepped down from her throne, eyes set entirely and solely on me. As if nothing else in the world interested her more. She looked intrigued to see me. And relieved. But not shocked. Which confused me. Shouldn't she be surprised? I watched her watch me and then it dawned on me.

 _She sent him after me!_

"Hello, Clarke"

I heard the smile in her voice but her expression remained impassive as she stopped in front of me. Her eyes swept all over me and I flushed warmly despite feeling mad at her for having had me kidnapped. She studied my face and her eyes darkened suddenly at all my cuts and bruises.

She turned to him with a glare, "The deal was for you to bring her to me unharmed" I shivered at the commander's voice promising pain and watched him look back at her unafraid.

"She didn't come easy" he shrugged.

Lexa's eyes glanced back at me then and I saw them soften a little when they met mine. Like she believed him because she expected no less from me. Like she was proud. I felt anger pool up inside me. I didnt want her to be proud. I wanted her to be sorry.

"I've done my part, now do yours'" He told her strongly. She looked back at him, offended he'd order her about, "Lift my banishment"

Lexa gave him that look I knew all too well. She wasn't going to do anything to help him. And I knew because those were the same eyes she gave me when she told me she couldn't help me and my people. I felt my anger spike higher just remembering that night.

She turned fully to face him, her eyes holding his strongly while her expression remained blank. But I knew what she was doing. I knew that look. Because I knew her.

"I'm told your mother's army marches on Polis" She said casually. I frowned with all this new information. I was in Polis. Lexa was in trouble. An army was headed this way and...His mother? I looked up at him. Then he..

 _He's the ice nation prince?!_

"That has nothing to do with me" he said quickly with a short glance down at me processing it all, "Honour our deal"

"I'll honour our deal when your Queen honours my coalition" Lexa nodded her guards forward, "Lock Prince Roan of Azgeda away" she ordered.

They walked quickly forward and I expected him to fight them off. But he didn't. Roan simply walked away with them. He gave me a short look before he left the room. Another apology. I felt afraid again. Something bad was going to happen. I could feel it.

 _"What of Wanheda?"_ The remaining guard asked. Lexa looked down at me again.

"Leave us" she ordered.

The room quickly emptied. Indra even gave me a slight smile as she passed. I couldnt tell whether it was a good or bad thing. One of lexa's people stopped in front of me and looked back at her in concern. She dismissed him though.

"You heard me" She warned. He bowed his head and walked away.

Lexa took a step forward to me when the room was clear, "Help her up" She ordered.

Two guards came forward and pulled me gently to my feet. I doubt they'd have been so kind if she wasn't there watching. Lexa moved over to me as they backed away and looked into my eyes. I watched hers soften again.

"I'm sorry" she said peeling the gag from my mouth. Her fingers brushed down my cheek as she moved her hand back and I hated how much I secretly enjoyed it.

"It had to be this way. I had to ensure Wanheda didn't fall into the hands of the Ice Queen" I wanted to laugh. Typical she would have me saved just to use me again. I felt mad again. Furious. All three months of rage was boiling up inside me.

Lexa didn't notice the glare i was giving her. I doubt she was even seeing how mad i was. She was probably just thinking about herself and her people again. She'd be nice to me as long as i gave her what she wanted. Like always.

A montage of all the people i'd killed in the mountain flashed behind my eyes as Lexa watched me. All of them spinning quickly over and over again. It was her fault. She condemned my people and in doing that she condemned the mountain men too. She made me commit genocide on all those innocents. She made me kill over and over and over again. And now she wanted to do it again.

"War is brewing, Clarke" she was saying. Her eyes fell gently and her voice hitched almost vulnerably when met my eyes and added, "I need you"

Lexa jumped back when I spat at her and her guards quickly grabbed me to haul me away from their commander. I struggled against them. Eyes set deadly on hers. Now she looked shocked. Now she looked afraid. And she fucking well should. I'd spent months searching for freedom from my torment and now I knew how to get it.

"You bitch" I screamed pulling at the hands holding me back as I got dragged out of the room. Lexa's eyes followed me out and I carried on screaming at her, "You wanted the Commander of Death, you got her! I'll kill you!"

Lexa vanished from my view but not before I caught her composure slip as she turned away. For a second there she looked scared and it made me feel good. Now she knew how i felt.

I was taken down a couple levels still kicking and screaming. The guards pulled me through a maze of corridors before they opened a door and shoved me inside. I looked around the office type room and paced up and down to release some of my frustration.

I rubbed my knuckles anxiously and brought our conversation straight back to the front of my mind, focusing entirely on her eyes when she'd said she needed me. The first thing she should have done was apologise. And beg. Instead she was giving me orders. I glared at the door.

I would kill her.

One way or another.


	8. Chapter 8

**Turn it up! Human by Of Monsters and Men.**

* * *

 _ **I can't change the tide if the moon won't cooperate...**_

* * *

 ** _Lexa._**

"Hello, Clarke"

My heart was beating increasing fast as I greeted her. My skin was warming just looking down at her. I could feel my fingers shaking with the nerves creeping up on me. Suddenly I wasn't sure what to say or how to act. Not just because she was finally here and alive in front of me. But because she was looking up at me as if I were a stranger to her. As if she couldn't believe I was real.

I wanted to walk down and kneel next to her. To reach out and take her hand and look into her eyes as I told her I was sorry. Because I needed her to know that first. Instead I remained standing and unrelenting against the confusion in my heart. I was unsure how to proceed. So I stepped down next to Roan and took her in in silence.

She looked confused, and angry. Really angry. I'd only ever seen her this enraged twice. First when I tried to pull her away from the TonDC bombing and then again when I ordered Octeivia be killed . And now she looked mad enough to blow both into nothing. It sent a fearful knock straight through my chest.

I drew my eyes all over her face. She looked dirty and wild but underneath all that I somehow knew she was still Clarke. She was still the beautiful woman who continued to make my heart speak.

My eyes followed a red mark above her right eye that cut down through her brow and curved her temple. I felt myself flame in anger when I realised she'd been harmed, and viscously too judging from the blood. I turned furious to the prince beside me.

"The deal was for you to bring her to me unharmed" I said calmly though my anger easily seeped through into my voice. Roan didn't seem affected by my tone. He shrugged uncaring at me.

"She didn't come easy" he returned in defence.

I felt my anger subside a little with his answer and I looked back at Clarke. I could easily envision her doing anything to avoid capture. And it looked like she had tried very hard. I was proud of that.

"I expect not" I yielded, looking down at her and feeling a calm come over me. Again I felt the pull for me to go her. To touch her. To prove to myself she wasn't a vision or spirit but she was real and here. But I couldn't. I was commander first.

"I've done my part" roan began, calling me away from Clarke. I glanced back at him and registered his hard features pressed into a stern frown as he continued, "Now do yours. Lift my banishment"

I looked into his eyes for a moment. It surprised me he was still only following his request for freedom. With the power of wanheda literally at his fingertips I assumed he would bargain for my seat as commander for his mother, or even for himself. Yet his intentions remained clear and honest. And I didn't trust them at all. Or him.

"I'm told your mother's army marches on Polis" I started calmly. Roan looked impassive, as if what I had said wasn't news to him.

"That has nothing to do with me" he said quickly with a short glance to clarke. I felt my anger spike when their eyes met. I didnt want him looking at her like that. He looked back to me and pushed, "Honour our deal"

I lost my patience then. He was trying to press his commander for release but I could not allow it. Not with his mother's army so close. He was involved in this attack in some way. And if his people refused to back down I would have to take their future into my hands. Not just because I didn't trust him but because it was expected of me as commander. Every person in the room would be expecting me to honour my people before I honoured the deal I'd made him. They would expect me to protect mine.

 _Like the mountain?_ My heart questioned and I glanced back at clarke, _Remember how well that deal went?_ It mocked.

I felt my hands clench as I turned to take my anger out on Roan. I had no choice in this. My decision was already made for me. He wouldn't be leaving.

"I'll honour our deal when your Queen honours my coalition"

His expression never turned. He simply accepted my answer. And that sent my anger further.

I looked back at my guards and took a step back, "Lock Prince Roan of Azgeda away" I ordered coldly.

They came forward and pulled him from the room. He went willingly with a last look to Clarke. I set my eyes darkly on his back. I didn't enjoy his stares.

"What of Wanheda?" A guard asked pulling my attention back to the woman in front of me.

I ignored his discomfort at being so close to clarke and pulled my eyes down to hers again. She hadn't said a word. Not that she could with that gag. I made a note to punish roan later. I studied her features again. I needed to speak with her. Now.

"Leave us" I wanted to speak with her alone. I wanted only clarke present when I apologised to her. I needed to be leska when i said it. But I couldn't be that girl when i had others' eyes pressuring me to be the commander.

Indra brushed past me and the others soon followed. Only Titus dared defy me. He stopped in front of clarke and then looked back at me, his eyes alight with concern. Perhaps like me he had worked out that the priests words were encircled around clarke. He looked ready to advise he stay but I cut him off before he could speak.

"You heard me" I told him coldly with a dark look. He glanced back at clarke, eyes never leaving her as he skulked out of the room.

 _She seems changed,_ I thought as I silently asked her how she was. It worried me when our normal form of communication returned dead on her side. It meant I had a lot of work to do before she trusted me again. It meant I had caused a lot of damage inside of her.

I looked up when the door closed and I breathed a little lighter when the room was empty.

I waved my guards forward, "Help her up"

The two men reached down and hooked their hands around her arms. She rose with a wince and I instantly moved forward to help. Her eyes never leaving me stopped me though and I instead reached down for the cloth circling her jaw, eager to have anything to do to distract me from the aching my heart had begun under her watch.

"Im sorry" I rushed in a low voice as I raised my hands to her face. She flinched a little but let me continue.

I couldn't meet her eyes as I pulled the cloth out of her mouth. Just as I couldn't stop myself from letting my fingers slide down her cheek as I moved it away. I needed something real to tell me she was here. I needed to touch her. Before I went mad with this ache in me.

Clarke remained silent but I noticed her breathing had become deeper and quicker. Under my fingers I could feel her heart race inside of her. I moved back, aware my touching her was upsetting her. My attention drew to her studying her face and I could see she was growing in anger. I would need to calm her down. If she was to hear me out she needed to be herself and not full of irrational emotion.

I hesitated speaking first. I wasn't entirely sure how to proceed properly. With anyone else I knew I would have gotten the conversation over with by now. But with Clarke it was different. She always made it hard for me to separate my feelings. Always I felt like less of a commander around her. Maybe because she too was a leader and my equal. My only equal.

I could feel an overwhelming tide of mixed emotions pull harder at me as our eyes met again and I didn't know how to control any of it. It scared me too much to feel it all again. Especially when she had yet to say something. I didn't like not knowing myself like this.

I felt myself slip inside the comforting protection of the commander instead. I didn't trust her to tell clarke everything but I trusted her to make me strong enough to make it through this reunion.

"It had to be this way" I heard myself say, "I had to ensure Wanheda didn't fall into the hands of the Ice Queen"

The blue in clarke's eyes deepened some more and I knew what I was saying was entirely wrong for what she needed. But I didnt know what else to say. My mind was revolting against me the longer I stood there under her piercing eyes.

"War is brewing, Clarke "I told her strongly through my frustration. Again it was the wrong thing. I clenched my jaw tight and searched within me to find the right words.

 _What do I say?!_ My mind whimpered pathetically. I was lost and I hated it. It made me feel weak.

My heart beat ferociously inside my chest, all the hidden war inside it screamed at me for release. I hesitated only for a moment.

I felt the commander recede a little under my skin as I truly spoke my mind in a quick whisper, "I need you"

Clarke moved her head and at first I believed it was to nod in acknowledgement of how vulnerable I had made myself then. I had hoped hearing me say that would assure her that my feelings hadn't changed in the last few months. I'd hoped she would speak finally and tell me she forgave me.

I jumped back a step when she spat in my face.

"You bitch!"She screamed coming at me.

I stood frozen still by her reaction and she would have had her chance at me had she not been immediately stalked by my guards. They caught her when she was a step away from me and they dragged her quickly to the door. She struggled against them, eyes set furiously on me as I raised a hand to wipe her spit off my chin onto my sleeve,

"You wanted the Commander of Death, you got her!"

I felt my skin crawl at the hatred in her eyes for me. She continued to struggle against my guards and promised she'd kill me while they moved her away out of my vision. I watched her leave. I was shocked. She hadn't just changed. She'd become unrecognisable.

 _And I'm to blame._

I wiped my shaking hand down my face and moved past my throne to walk out to the balcony. I needed air.

The wind blew against my skin but I still felt like I was on fire. I looked up and breathed deeply as my eyes chased the clouds. I couldn't believe it. Clarke, sweet brave stubborn clarke, had become someone else. I didn't know the girl sitting in her skin. I didn't like her. She was too full of hate and anger. Like she had lost everything that made her special inside that damn mountain. Maybe the time away from her people had changed her but I knew it was me. I had wanted clarke to be strong. I had wanted her to be a leader worthy to stand beside. And in wanting that I'd transformed her into something harsh and murderous.

 _Like me._

I stared down at the city below. I could still hear her screaming. I knew it would never leave me. I would forever remember the moment clarke screamed a promise to kill me. My eyes strayed over the rooftops of the buildings far below and they focused on the temple standing alone in the shadows of the woods. I wondered momentarily if praying to the gods would gain me clarke's forgiveness. But I quickly shook the thought away. That was desperation speaking. I was not desperate. Not yet.

 _"Commander?"_

I tilted my head in acknowledgement of Indra's intrusion and allowed her to stand beside me. I could feel her watch me as I stared down at the city again and I knew she had much to say. I was grateful for her silence for the moment. I still had to understand exactly what happened just now with clarke. I had yet to break it all down and work out where I stepped wrong. Indra gave me a few minutes before her curiosity got the better of her.

" _She screams still"_ she told me looking over the edge of the balcony. I closed my eyes. On the faintness of the wind I could catch glimpses of clarke's rage still ringing true. I let out a hard breath. I felt shamed with myself.

 _"Where is she?_ " I asked the general. She fingered her dagger nervous.

" _Your guards were unsure where to place her. She is being held in a room a couple of levels below"_

I nodded, pleased they hadn't taken her down to the prisoner cells, _"She hates me"_ I sighed defeated. Indra nodded.

"I expected no less"

"Because you would hate me too?" I asked turning to face her. Indra gave me a slight smile and shook her head.

" _Because she is as stubborn as the sky, commander_ " I nodded in agreement and indra stood straighter with heavy eyes, "You will have trouble getting through but eventually she will realise you did what you had to do"

"I let her people alone to die, Indra. I would kill me too if I were her"

Indra actually laughed then. I felt my eyes narrow at her in anger and she immediately apologised and explained, "I have never once seen you react to a threat on your life before" I rolled my eyes, "Commander, I know you worry for clarke but we have bigger concerns. The ice nation grows closer every minute we spend arguing over this war"

I nodded, "Agreed"

She blew out a breath and unsheathed her sword a little with her thumb. I watched her repeat the action over while her mind raced with her thoughts. Mine were racing too but not with the war. I worried for clarke.

"We need to speak with the sky people" I declared turning to seek her attention. I looked down into her brown eyes and held them strong with my own, "Indra, I need you to send horses to the Ark"

She frowned at me and took a step closer. Her eyes scrutinised my order before she spoke up.

" _What are you planning, commander_?" She asked. I looked away and gazed at Polis.

"I need to speak with the clan leaders" I looked back at her and told her seriously, _"All of them"_

As I expected Indra's eyes widened in surprise and she quickly questioned what I meant. I gave her a small smile and firmly gripped her shoulder in my hand. What I had planned could break everything we had fought and bled for. And I knew many would lose faith in their commander the second they knew of it. I needed Indra by my side for it. I needed her to be strong. For herself and for me.

" _Send the horses out_ " I ordered gently before I turned away without further explanation. She bowed and walked past me to ready the messengers. I let her leave and walked back into the room myself.

I gazed at the spot where clarke had been kneeling before. I thought again about her actions against me. And how I would work to resolve her anger. I sat myself down on my throne and bent forward with my elbows to pressed against my knees, hands steepled together with fingers holding up my bowed head. I drew myself back to that night at the mountain. Back to where this pain started. I thought deeply for hours about a plan to avoid all of it again. One came to me. One that had only benefits for everyone. If I could obtain clarke's agreement it may work.

I rose stiffly off the throne when the room began to darken. I peered outside and saw the moon rising up above the trees. It was late and I was tired. Today's stresses had weakened my mind into exhaustion but I refused to let myself rest until I had checked up on clarke.

I walked slowly down to the room that held clarke inside. As I rounded the corner I was pleased to find indra's finest warrior on sentry duty.

" _Cain"_ I greeted walking up to the warrior guarding clarke's door. He stood straight and bowed his head to me.

" _Commander"_ he returned.

I peered past his shoulder at the closed door. I could hear nothing from the inside and i let it trouble me a moment. He stood aside when I stepped forward to open the door.

"Stay here" I ordered. He looked nervous to let his commander face wanheda alone but he swallowed down any objection.

I slowly opened the door and peered through the dark, eyes already catching on the body laying still in the centre of the room. I opened the door wider and slipped myself inside. I closed it behind me and silently crept over to where she lay fast asleep on top of her jacket. I stood watching her a moment before I slipped to the floor beside her. I moved as close as I dared possible and pulled my knees up to my chest. I folded my arms over them and bent my chin forward to lean on my arm as I gazed down at her.

She looked like clarke again now. Now there was no anger or pain. She was just peaceful and still. My eyes drew painfully slow over her face in the moonlight. I made sure to take memory of all the cuts and marks staining her face. Each one i had created. Maybe not personally but out of my actions to betray her everything bad that had happened to clarke had come to be out of consequence for my choice. I would remember every single one because it pained me to do so. And I deserved the pain.

The door opened quietly after a while and i lifted my head from my arm to face the intruder. Cain gave me a small smile and told me indra was waiting for me. I told him to pass on a message saying i would speak with her in the morning. Right now I wanted to focus entirely on clarke. He nodded and after a curious look to clarke backed out of the room.

I returned my attention to her and watched her jerk in her sleep. Her soft breaths soon became heavy and her head rocked against her jacket. I swallowed and watched her cry out in her sleep. Sometimes she would mumble a name and her hand would rise as if to take hold of someone. I wanted to take it in my own. I wanted to offer some comfort. But I couldnt.

 _"Lexa"_ she moaned softly after a long moment of her twisting about crying.

I stared down at her and felt my heart beat harsh as I waited. Tears were falling from her closed eyes and she said my name again, almost as a beg. I realised what she was seeing when she huskily mumbled a question to me.

 _"What about my people?"_

I let out a hoarse breath and squeezed my fingers into my knees with her continued dreaming about the mountain. Now her jerking about made sense. She was having a nightmare. A bad one. I wondered just how many nights she suffered from them. Her voice husked my name again and I closed my eyes. But it was no good. I couldn't take watching her cry and reach out for me. So I pulled my hand down to hers and let her grip my fingers tightly in hers.

"Im here, clarke" I whispered to her.

She frowned deeply in her sleep. Her dreams evened out after another few minutes and I watched relieved as she slept more calmly. I shifted myself down so I lay on my side beside her, making sure to leave a large gap between us. I watched her face as she dreamed of better things and found myself envying her peace.

" _Im sorry"_ I whispered and tucked a stray lock of blonde hair back behind her ear. Her breath knocked with my touch and I immediately retracted it.

I stayed there with her until the moon had fully risen in the sky outside the window. Then I tore myself away long enough to crouch beside her. I'd decided I couldn't allow her to stay here. She deserved far more than a jacket on the floor. She was wanheda. She had earned herself a bed.

"Cain" I called softly.

The door opened and he crept quietly inside. I told him to set a fire in my room. He asked about wanheda, his stance betraying his calm expression. I told him I could handle wanheda myself. He nodded as if afraid I'd been offended and quickly moved away.

I looked back down to clarke once he was gone and worried over how to do this without waking her. After short consideration I moved close and knelt down so my knee touched her back.

"Clarke?" i whispered gently and then repeated myself louder. When i was satisfied she was deeply asleep i touched her shoulder and pulled her slowly over so her torso rested across my knee. I breathed sharply from the heat of her touching me but quickly dismissed my feelings to reach under her.

In one quick motion I pulled her up into my arms and stood. I shifted her weight in my arms and froze suddenly when she cried out as if in pain. I stared down at her but she remained unmoving in my arms. My arms tightened around her and I shifted her again into a more comfortable position. Then I walked with her out of the room towards mine.

Clarke slept soundly in my arms. Once she let out a soft whimper that echoed in the corridor around us and I pushed on faster to my room so i could get her into a bed before she woke and saw who was carrying her. I had no doubt she would follow through on her threat to kill me if she saw me again.

Clarke's head bumped against my arm with the motion of my walk and after a moment of watching it loll forward I stopped my walk to adjust her position in my arms. Her head rolled into the crook of my neck and I shivered pleasantly with her breath warming the skin there. Once or twice the slight swing in my gait would cause her head to roll a little and her lips would briefly touch my throat. I swallowed heavily to myself every time it happened and gripped her tighter.

When I entered my room the fire was crackling pleasantly. I made a mental note to thank cain and moved clarke over to bed in the corner. I'd never used it. I preferred to sleep on the floor like my warriors.

I slipped clarke gently onto the bed and then moved the furs up over her. She rolled as I pulled it over her feet and her soft whimper caught my attention again. I glanced up as she rolled onto her other side and I stared at the dark patches on her vest. Curious I peeled the strap to the side and I stared at the blood on my fingers. I pulled it down further and shifted around to examine her shoulder. I stared down at the deep slashes scratched into her skin, shoulder to blade. Three of them. Like claw marks.

 _How did she get these?_ It pained me to see such pain inflicted on her. But I could easily guess she preferred the physicality of this pain to the mental form she'd had come to learn after the mountain. I would have a healer tend to her in the morning. For now I would let her rest.

I pulled the furs up over her waist and stroked her cheek with the pad of my thumb. I had so much to say to her. So much to ask of her. And I was so afraid she would never allow me the time to speak freely. I drew a deep breath. How would I do any of this without her?

I rose to my feet and studied her face in the firelight. She would overcome this rage eventually. It was as indra said. It would take time.

 _Time is not in our favour,_ my head reminded.

My heart growled in reply, _It takes as long as it takes._

I sighed deeply and stepped away from the bed. It was incredibly hard walking away from her but I knew she would be safe. My warriors would die before she was lost to our enemies. And I would die before I allowed her to be harmed. I stopped at the door and took one last glance at her, committing her peace to memory.

 _"Stay strong, Clarke"_

* * *

I paced up and down relentlessly as I waited for the healer to leave the room. She had been with clarke most of the morning and i was anxious for her to be gone so i might speak with the sky princess myself.

She left the room after another round of my pacing and i quickly turned to her. She looked tired and worn. I ignored this though and ordered a report on clarkes health.

 _"She refuses to allow me to tend her wounds, commander. I have tried speaking with her but she is insistent. i left some salve with her incase she feels she can clean the wounds herself. Im told she was a healer among her people"_

I nodded, _"Her mother trained her"_ I looked away to the door but ordered myself to stand still long enough to ask, _"And her mind?"_

The healer blew out a breath and avoided my eyes, " _I cannot get her to speak her mind. She refuses to so much as look at me. I fear she believes i am sent as a spy by you"_

I smiled and shook my head, " _She's not paranoid. She's smart"_ I thanked the healer and moved to the door. The healer stopped me though

" _Forgive me, commander, but she did say one thing_ " I nodded her to carry on. She licked her lips and stared over my shoulder instead, " _She still wishes you to stay away. She wont see you"_

I ground my teeth together and opened the door despite clarke's insistence I stay away. I could no longer allow her to remain hidden from me. Not when a war was starting right at our feet.

I walked into the room and found her looking out the window at the city below. Her back was to me but it tensed when i shut the door loudly behind me. I walked up to stand a few feet behind her and I clasped my hands together to hold my tongue against the impatience running through me when she turned and met my eyes with her angry ones.

"What part of " _I won't see you_ " was unclear?" She snapped angrily. I pushed her irritation aside and straightened my stance.

"I respected your wishes for a week, Clarke" _A very long week_ , I added mentally, "We've got bigger concerns"

She shook her head at me as I spoke, " _"We"_ don't have any concerns at all" she retorted. I took a step forward.

"Yes, we do" I took another step closer and her eyes followed me wearily. I held back from further approach and kept my distance as she wanted, "I'm hosting a summit with Skaikru at sundown. You'll be returned to your people"

Clarke's eyes narrowed and she took her own step forward,

"You went to all that trouble to capture me just to let me go?" she asked skeptically.

I held her eyes and let my anger drip into my reply.

"I went to all that trouble to save you"

"You know when I could have used saving?" she began bitterly. I tipped my head up and waited for it. "When you abandoned me at Mount Weather"

I held my anger in check. I was furious she would try to use that against me but at the same time I had known it was coming. She'd had a week after all to think about it more. I kept my expression calm but allowed my impatience for her childishness to colour my words back to her.

"Clearly, you didn't need my help"

Her eyes turned a darker blue, "Clearly" she agreed and turned away but not before I saw her expression dip in pain. My heart bumped in ache to her pain. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand her hurting over this. She needed to move past it already.

"You're angry, Clarke, but I know you. What you've done haunts you, and it's easier to hate me than to hate yourself"

"Oh, I can do both" she promised darkly. My skin tingled a little under her threat and I quickly moved to defend myself.

"What would you have done if their leader had offered you the deal? Save your people at the price of mine? Would you really have chosen differently?"

"I don't betray my friends" she slapped back. I pushed on though. If getting her angry at me got this through with I would make her furious.

"But you did" Clarke's gaze dulled guiltily. I carried on, "You had friends in Mount Weather"

"Those deaths are on you, too" she growled back at me, "The only difference is, you have no honour, and I had no choice"

I felt a flash of heat roll through me at her insult but I couldn't let it touch me right now. Now one of us at least had to have the clear head. With war coming we had little time to argue over problems that began yesterday.

"It helps no one to dwell on the past, and that's not why I'm here" Her eyes flashed her intrigue despite her looking away so i continued, "You're right. I'm not just letting you go back to your people. I want something more"

I paused long enough to work what i would say. I had thought of nothing else this last week. I was certain that once clarke heard my offer she would take it up quickly to help her people. Because I knew even though she walked away from them she still cared enough to take a deal that would ensure their safety.

"I want your people to become my people" She didn't react and that worried me a moment. I kept myself calm though and explained, "I'm offering Skaikru the chance to join my coalition.. Become the 13th Clan. No one would dare to move against you because that would be moving against me"

"Just leave me alone" she sighed, "I'm done. Do you understand that? I left"

"You can't run away from who you are, Clarke" I snapped angrily, "Join me. Bow before me, and your people will be safe" I promised.

"Bow before you? You don't give a damn about my people. I know why you're here. I made you look weak at Mount Weather, and now the Ice Nation is exploiting that"

Her tone was dead as she said it. I swallowed but stayed quiet.

Clarke locked eyes with me, "Well, if you want the power of Wanheda, kill me" I felt a heavy part of me hurt at her dark offer. I didn't want that. But she thought I did and that hurt the most.

"Take it" she pushed in a dare, "Otherwise, go float yourself because I will never bow to you" Her angry eyes blew heavy into mine before she turned back to the window and glared out of it. I hesitated a step toward her but thought better of it. In this state she would never hear me out.

"I will let you think about it" I told her and heard a breath of irritation leave her in reply. I stared at her back and held in my own, "Send for me when you have your answer"

I began to leave, and had one hand on the door when she called back to me.

" _You already have it_ "

I glared over at her and left quickly. I sharply snapped the door shut behind me and nodded at the warrior on guard. She stood straight and held her sword at its hilt ready. I walked away down the corridor and began to venture down the levels towards the ground. Maybe a ride through the city would calm my head.

I was nearing the ground when I heard someone runnning up the stairs. Indra rounded the corner, blood on her hands. I gave her a quizzical look.

 _"Eko and monroh_ " she stated sternly. My eyes ran down to her bloody hands again and I ran with her down to the ground.

Once outside she directed me to the stable yard where a dozen warriors were clustered around a horse. Monroh was splayed forward over the horse's neck, her face a bloody mess. Her eyes were not for her own injuries though but for what lay on the ground at the horse's feet. I pushed through the crowd and stared down in shock at the pale bloody mess that nowhere near resembled Eko. I knelt beside her and pulled her head into my lap. She was unconscious which i was glad for. I couldnt guess the pain she'd be in if she was awake to experience it. I ordered the surrounding warriors to take the two women inside.

Monroh asked after eko as they carried her down off the horse. She cried out when their hands pushed more pain into her and her fingers gripped the horse's mane tightly. I strode over to her and paused the warriors trying to carry her.

 _"Who did this to you?"_ I demanded sharply.

Her hazel eyes moved out of focus and she panted heavily as she fought off the need to pass out. I tapped her cheek and she rolled her eyes back to me.

"Azgeda" she whispered closing her eyes. I wouldnt push her further right now. She needed a healer first.

"Send the city's best healers to them" i ordered as the warriors dragged her slumped form off the horse.

I watched them go and felt indra return to my side. I looked back at her. I expected her to look worried, especially monroh as she was one of her people. But indra had eyes only for the horse.

" _Commander... That horse.."_

I frowned at the fear in her eyes and turned to look at the horse. Someone had pulled her into the stables again but had yet to untack her. She stood still in the yard with the saddle smudging blood into her white flanks. My own horse walked over to her and sniffed at her. She returned his curiosity with a playful nick to his neck. I swallowed heavily when I understood why indra looked so scared.

 _"Meesha"_

Indra nodded and touched my arm with a firm grip. She looked sternly at me again and asked the same question running through my mind.

 _"Where is Ada?_ "

* * *

I walked quickly to the top level of the tower. My feet made quick work of the stairs as I took my anger out on them.

I'd spent the last couple days split between collecting information from monroh about the attack on herself and eko, and gathering the clan leaders for a swift council. Between that i worried for ada. We still knew nothing of his whereabouts. Monroh had assured us she hadn't seen him. His horse just appeared to them when they rested from their injuries. When asked for news on the ice nation she tensed up and refused to speak. At least not until her warrior, eko, was awake to tell us herself. I respected her wishes as second to wait for her mentor's report but i was impatient to wait. I needed to learn of their attack. If Ice nation had attacked them as openly as they had me then Ada was surely dead. I breathed frustrated as I sprinted the stairs. I would know nothing until eko woke up.

"Commander, they are waiting" I nodded at indra and told her I would be a moment. She bowed her head and walked away to the final couple levels to attend the meeting. I diverted off the same path and walked quickly towards my room. I had to make sure clarke was safe before I attended a meeting with clans desperate to see her dead.

" _Commander_ " I nodded at the warrior on guard and asked after clarke.

" _She wishes to see the city. She says the commanders room is a bore to her now_ " I hummed thoughtfully as i stared at the door. I tried to imagine what clarke was doing right now. I could see her boredom being confined to this one room. I pitied her a little.

"Take her down to the ground but do not let her wander off alone"

"Yes, commander" The warrior put her hand on the door but I stopped her and leant closer to whisper to her.

 _"Should you feel someone is moving to kill wanheda, kill them first"_ she nodded again and i added darkly, " _Should she be hurt, you will face the commanders spirit"_

She swallowed heavily and I knew she would protect clarke with her life.

I left as she slipped into the room and worked my way back up to the top floor. The clan leaders were already in the throne room and sat waiting for me to arrive. I strode quickly in and turned to face them. I nodded and they all bowed their heads and knelt. All except one. I tilted my head at the ice nation delegate. I wasnt at all surprised by his defiance. After eko and monroh's return it was only a matter of time before a public display of betrayal happened.

 _"Ice Nation will bow before your commander_ " Titus commanded in a rough voice. The other man sneered back at him.

 _"The commander should bow before Ice Nation. We know not to make treaties with our enemies"_

Titus growled low, _"The commander bows before no one"_

 _The commander needs no defender either.._

"Stand down, Titus" I ordered. He stood back.

 _"She even prefers the enemy's language"_ The ice nation leader mocked looking to the other leaders. Their eyes drifted between the two of us in hesitant wait.

I knew they would expect me to punish the man. But to gain the trust of all the clans I knew I needed to think before I reacted. Hot headedness was easily the undoing of alliances in war.

"And you will use it, too," I commanded slowly, "In honour of our guests this evening" His eyes returned to me with my unspoken threat, "Now sit. We have more important matters to discuss"

I sat myself down on my throne. The other leaders rose to take a seat too. The ice nation delegate alone remained standing. My temper flashed with his continued disobedience and I struggled to keep control.

"Yes. We do" He locked my eyes and moved forward, "For example, why is Wanheda still alive? If this is your weakness again, Azgeda will happily step in"

My patience broke with his suggestion but worse my fear heightened suddenly. He had openly implied a weakness on my part for Clarke. One that had matched my weakness for Costia before. In front of all the clan leaders that was the most dangerous hand he could have played against me. I felt Indra's eyes on me as I imagined again clarke being taken by the ice nation and then returned as costia had.

"Is that why your army has moved so close to Polis, because you believe the Commander is weak?" Titus barked beside me.

"Oh, those are just military exercises"

My gaze drew back to him and I glared coldly before I slid off my throne to stand beside it. I stared out the window and looked down at ground while indra stepped forward to bark at the man. This far up i would never see her but I hoped to the gods that clarke was safe.

"The Ice Queen doesn't make mistakes" I heard titus growl, "She makes threats"

 _Then its time somebody threatened her back,_ my mind growled, and for once my heart agreed. I turned back to the argument and calmly looked down at the man who would threaten us.

"There's no need to argue about this again" I said to them raising a hand to the ice nation leader. In the corner of my eye i could see indra give me a wild look. I ignored her and beckoned him forward.

"Please, come join me. Let us speak in private. I have a message for Queen Nia"

He stepped up past the throne and threw indra a sly smirk as he walked past me to the balcony. I followed and allowed my calm expression to drop completely. The rage inside me was building. At his threat on clarke. At his blatant disrespect. At his queen's continued torture on my people. A flash of their faces span round my mind.

 _Clarke. Indra. Eko. Monroh. Nyko. Ada._

He was speaking as he rounded the throne to the balcony. He'd nodded at my invite to be messenger and turned back to me with a pleasant smile, obviously pleased by my willingness to comply and bend to the ice nation.

"And I'll happily deliver-" I raised my leg up and threw a powerful kick into his chest, pushing him into the air mid speech. He screamed as he flew over the balcony and down the many levels to the ground.

I heard the shocked gasps of my people on the ground when the body crashed into the market and turned to the ones mirrored among the leaders in the room. I didn't bother hiding my fury from them. I was sick with pampering them. They would need to learn, I was in control. I was commander. And this is how I treated betrayals.

"Would anyone else care to question my decisions?" I asked.

My gaze drew around the room, stopping on indra. She didn't show it but I could tell she was secretly applauding my decision to kill the ice nation out of our meeting. She bowed her head to me in respect and I moved my eyes over to the other leaders in the room who had demonstrated doubt in me before. Rhoda was staring at his hands. Yor shook her head. Kiki was smiling proudly. Even Luna was nodding me on. It looked like I had not only gained their attention but their loyalty too.

"Good. Then let's begin.


	9. Chapter 9

**I just watched the fight scene promo for episode 4 and HOLY SHIT! I hate being in the UK, I wanna watch it tonight! I'm just gonna go curl up and die from waiting pains.**

 **Hear it; Words as weapons by Birdy.**

* * *

 _ **Love is weakness...**_

* * *

 **Clarke.**

Lexa's offer bounced around my mind for days after she made it. It'd had me staring hard at the walls for hours after she'd left me to come to peace with it. I couldn't help but question why she wanted us to unite now. Why not before when we were going against the mountain men? What made the ice nation a bigger threat? And why should she care when she had their prince in her hands. She could threaten his life and his mother would have no option but to back down.

No, she had another reason for wanting our people to unite. And it wasn't just to see me bow to her. I could understand that part. She needed everyone to see that the legendary Wanheda was on her side. Nobody could question her if even death itself was her ally.

" _No one would dare move against you, because that would be moving against me_ " she'd said. I frowned recalling her eyes as she said it. Honest. Open. Speaking true completely. But I had seen those eyes give me that assurance before and it had broken me.

 _She's trying to keep you safe_ , my heart whispered, trying to get me to see sense. But I wouldn't listen. I had hard earned my lesson last time. I had learned from it. This choice would be made with my head. That way I knew it was right.

The door opened on my heavy thoughts and I looked up. I'd been all sat all morning at the window seat reading a book I'd found on the shelf beside the bed. It was tatty and the pages were worn from years and years of reading. But I liked it. Feeling the soft pages and reading the words had provided me a form of comfort in my imprisonment. I could close my eyes and almost believe I was back on the Ark in the sky box.

The guard at the door softy called out to me and I called her in. I tore back my eyes from the closing door and drifted them about the walls of the room. I wondered again who it belonged to. Obviously someone well read. Which as far as I knew was a rarity in the grounders way of life. They preferred hunting to looking at silly marks on a page. I wondered who was brave enough and smart enough to stand alone against tradition.

I dog eared the page and looked up as a warrior approached. She stopped by the edge of the shelf and bowed in respect to me. I rolled my eyes but gave her a smile.

 _"Hello, Jes"_ I greeted bowing my head to her.

My guard peered up and she slowly began smiling at me. Of all my guards I favoured her the most. She didn't treat me like some fearful God.

I studied her as she smiled. She looked years younger when she carried her happiness openly. It suited her. And yet her war paint smudged under her eyes told another story. I'd seen more and more guards wearing their paint. I'd heard how Lexa had taken to wearing it daily now. As if she'd given up on peace completely. It made me worry the seriousness of this war.

" _I have a treat for you_ " Jes told me walking to stand at my side. I looked up out of my thoughts and up at her. I frowned waiting and she smiled some more.

" _Today I will take you down to the ground"_

I blinked at her. I was being allowed to leave this room? Her eyes looked bright as I felt a smile come to life under my paranoid thoughts. I could go see Polis. I could experience the grounder capital firsthand. I was so eager to see it on the ground level.

" _Why?"_ I asked despite my growing excitement. Jes laid a hand on her sword and shrugged back at me.

" _My commander ordered it_ "

I felt my smile slip. Suddenly I didn't want to go. Not if Lexa had ordered it for my entertainment. She was trying to soften me up to rush my reply. And I would not answer to her. Impending war or not.

I shook my head at Jes and returned to my book. I could feel her confusion on me but forced myself to carry on with my reading. I jumped then when the warrior snatched the book from my hands and ordered me up.

"You can't boss me around" I told her standing to square off to her. She gave me a smirk like I was wrong. When she raised a brow in question I realised I'd stood up, answering her order.

I blew out a breath, annoyed with myself. She touched my shoulder in sympathy and grinned at me.

"You are to go to the ground"

"Because Lexa ordered it" I seethed. Jes looked mad at my dislike for her commander but she kept her thoughts to herself. Instead she touched a hand to my back and started directing me to the door.

" _Because you ordered it, Wanheda"_ she said walking out of the room. I stopped and frowned at her back as she left. Was I seriously being freed just because I'd complained about the room?

I weighed out my options and decided looking around the city was a much better spend of my time than sitting around in Lexa's patience all day. So I followed Jes out the room.

She'd stopped by the door, taking up her usual spot as sentry in case i'd decided to stay. Her smile widened when I came out the room and she took a step forward.

"Ready for your tour, Wanheda?"

I shook my head at her, "Please, I can't stand that. My name is Clarke"

Jes shook her head too, "You defeated the mountain. That makes you worthy of being honoured with the title commander"

"I thought you had to have the commander spirit to be commander" I threw back remembering their culture.

Jes hesitated and I could tell it was something all the grounders struggled to understand.

"Maybe the gods have granted us two great commanders" she conceded walking off before I could ask more difficult questions.

She lead me silently to the stairs and began her decent down them. I followed quietly behind while I thought it through. Lexa would not have two commanders. She would kill me eventually because my existence threatened her status as leader. Gods gift or not, she would make sure I never undermined her.

 _Which is why she wants me to bow._

I frowned hard at my feet as I followed Jes down the many levels to the floor. When we reached the main door she opened it and told the guards waiting by it of the commanders orders. They moved aside and watched us walk past, eyes set deadly on me.

"Do they expect me to attack or something?" I asked after I locked eyes with one and watched as his dagger was released.

Jes glared at the guard and tightened her grip on her sword. She shook her head at my question and directed me away.

"They fear you because you are Wanheda" she explained. I threw my hands up. I was fed up with that answer!

"I didn't choose to be a killer!" i snapped and she looked back at me curious, "I did a terrible thing and you all honour me for it"

"You freed our people after centuries of torture and death, Clarke"

My anger ebbed a little when she used my name. She stopped her walk and turned to face me. Her eyes looked down at me seriously,

"My brother was in that mountain" she shared. I stared back at her, "What you did was save me and my family from further pain and loss. You saved him. And you saved us" she pulled her hand up over her heart and bowed her head in respect.

I was starting to realise then what else had come from my decision in the mountain. I killed so many.

 _But you saved many more,_ my mind argued. I felt it change a little with Jes' confession. Maybe it wasn't entirely a bad thing I did. It was horrific, yeah. But it saved my people as well as Lexa's. And our combined future generations. Maybe that was why she felt no guilt over her decision to abandon us that night. Because she forced me to have no option but to ensure everybody's safety.

I shook my head to myself and turned away from the warrior still bowed to me. I didn't want respect or appreciation. I was a monster because of what I'd done. And Lexa was to blame.

My heart throbbed painfully in response to my self hate but I ignored it to walk along the streets. Jes followed me like a shadow. I walked down towards what I assumed was the market. There were stalls set up with different people selling goods and cooking food. I watched the grounders interact with one another. It was so surreal. To only know the grounder army and then to see the life force and purpose behind it… It blew me away.

"Whats happening there?" I asked jes, nodding to the exchange happening on the stall closest to us.

It was crowded with blades and armour. A blacksmiths I guessed. The owner was standing toe to toe with a customer and had his hand gripping a warriors. Both were speaking harsh to one another, as if insulting. And then one would smile at the other. It looked like they were betting.

Jes looked too and then peered down at me with a smile.

"The warrior wishes to buy something"

"So he's threatening the blacksmith?" I guessed watching the warrior frown down at the other man. Jes shook her head.

"They are agreeing payment…" She listened in on their conversation a moment before she chuckled to herself, "The warrior must hunt a grown deer every night this week in return for the blade"

I blinked in surprise. They worked on favours here?

"You don't have money?"

She shook her head and dipped into her pocket for something. She handed it to me and I took it curious to know. It was a coin, made from some form of copper. She tapped it with her finger

"This is the coin of Polis" she explained, "But only the leaders will carry them. In respect to upholding a memory to the old world. Everyone else here trades with favours. To show we work for what we desire. No man or woman is given that for free. They must earn it"

I held the coin up confused, "But the coins?"

She smiled and took it back, "Have no real value. It is sentiment only. Even the commander will trade favours for things she wishes to buy. She doesn't need to of course but she considers herself one of us"

I held back on my scoff and instead turned my eyes back to the stall where a price had been settled. Both the warrior and the blacksmith appeared happy with their settlement. I wondered what the final deal had been.

Jes stole my attention back when she asked if I would like to buy anything. I looked around at the stalls and shook my head. The grounders seemed edgy around me. Obviously word of my capture had spread out among the people. I highly doubted they would trade with me.

Jes tilted her head at my answer and approached a stall. I followed because I was curious to see a trade firsthand. She stepped up to the stall and studied the contents on the table a moment before she pointed to something. The stall owner walked back to the table and nodded. Jes looked back and beckoned me over to her.

I looked back at jes but she gave me an encouraging look and held the item up to me. I stared down at the ring between her fingers. It shone silver in the light and though it looked worn and old it still held some of its original beauty. The stall owner looked at me hard a moment before she nodded at jes.

"Whats your price?" I asked. The owner stared back and I rushed to repeat my self in Trigdesleng. Jes stepped in on my confusion when the woman refused to answer me.

"She does not speak english or Tree slang" she told me, "The natives here speak another tongue"

She tipped her head back to the woman and spoke quickly to her with words I couldn't even separate. It sounded harsher than Trigdesleng and I noticed the sort of harder tone Jes used at points to pronounce the words. I was impressed with her ability to speak so many languages. Especially when I still struggled with Tree slang. It made me think how many other languages were spoken on earth. Once upon a time there had been many for all the different countries. Here there seemed to be a different tongue for every clan and city.

"She asks what skills you have" Jes interpreted.

"I can heal"

Jes passed my answer on and the woman shook her head. I thought about it. What could I actually do? Besides lead and kill? I shrugged my shoulders and tucked my hands into my jacket, wincing suddenly when the wounds on my back scratched under the leather.

"I can hunt" I offered remembering the jaguar kill.

Jes' eyes flashed and she smiled a little as she handed my answer over. The stall owner peered at me as if in doubt before she nodded and said something. Jes handed me the ring with a slight smirk that matched her triumphant eyes.

"What did she agree?" I asked as she cupped my fingers around the ring in my palm.

"You will hunt dinner for her tonight" I stared at her and shook my head, immediately giving the ring back. Jes frowned at me and pressed it back into my hands.

"Jes, you know I cant hunt right now. Lexa-"

"I will hunt" She told me pulling me away from the stall towards a stable near the tower. I shook my head after her. I could understand why she was being nice but I wished she wouldn't.

I sighed in defeat and tucked the ring into my pocket. Jes stopped beside the paddock and leant against the fence with a smile for the horse that trotted over to her. She raised a hand to it and let it bump its nose into her palm. I strode over and touched its neck. It was a beautiful horse. Tall and muscular with a dark brown coat that shone in the sun.

"Your horse?" I asked threading my fingers through its mane. She nodded and bent her head into its neck.

"He has fought with me many times" she sighed with a chuckle when the horse dipped its head to sniff at her jacket, "And he has stolen from me many times" she added pulling an apple from her pocket for him.

I smiled and continued stroking my hand along its strong neck. My eyes drifted over his back and I studied the other horses. There was a black stallion that caught my eye immediately. He looked magnificent. I admired his platted mane as he tossed his head up against another horse standing calmly beside him. He stood full height where the others had heads bent sniffing the grass at their feet or turned to watch the people walking around the streets, and his eyes rolled continually around the paddock as if on watch for trouble. He must be the leader.

Jes followed my caught attention and watched with me as the black horse looked my way. His eyes met mine and I could feel a sense of power inside him. He tossed his head again and then trotted over. I was nervous as I raised a hand to touch his forehead. His eyes stayed steady on mine until I touched him. Then they dropped closed with a shiver running through him. I laughed. What a softie.

"Wow!" Jes breathed beside me. I looked back at her. She was staring at me in awe as I stroked the stallion's neck.

"What?" I asked getting the feeling I shouldn't be touching him.

"He lets no one touch him like that, save one. His rider"

I took my hand down but the horse wasn't having it. He pushed on my shoulder for more attention and wouldn't let up until I gave it to him. I raised my hand back to him and frowned at Jes.

"Who is his owner?" I asked. She shook her head at me.

"We do not own them. Our people believe that horses roam the earth until they find their spirit in a rider. And when they ride they become one" she tipped her head at me in complete wonderment before she answered my question, "The commander is his rider"

I instantly withdrew my hand from the horse. Now I understood why nobody else touched him. I looked around at the people around us and worried what would happen if Lexa found out her horse had been touched. Jes smiled at my concern and raised her hand to touch the stallion herself. He flinched from her touch and snorted at her hand as if it offended him. She sighed and withdrew it. As soon as she did he went back to knocking his head into my back. The warrior shook her head in wonderment.

"He knows you are a commander" she surmised looking away to the city gates when a shout went up. I shrugged at her. I didn't believe that.

"He just knows Im different" I argued as I studied the horse myself. He was tall and strong. Like her. And his eyes showed everything despite his body being still and unmoving in expressing his feelings. Like her. I wanted to see him run. I wondered if he was as fast as Lexa. If they truly were the same.

Jes didn't reply. I looked up at the concern in her eyes as she watched something happening further down in the city. Her hand went to her sword and she called another warrior over. I recognised him as another of my room guards. He strode over to us and gave me a curious look. I looked away and focused back on Lexa's horse nibbling on my shoulder.

"Clarke, I have to go settle something at the gate. You are to go with Cain and not leave his side at all"

Jes left before I could complain and I turned to cain with a nervous smile. He simply gripped his sword tighter.

"Let me guess," I sighed moving away from the paddock, "Back to my room?"

Cain jerked his head in confirmation and I sighed. I'd been enjoying my explore with Jes. I just hoped my good behaviour would be reported back to Lexa so I could go out again.

We walked back to the tower and around to take a different entrance than before. I stared around at the garden cain lead me through. There was a fountain in the centre and rows of flowers moving around it. All the colours bloomed beautifully in contrast to the dirty tower walls. I tried to name the flowers as I walked past them but there were too many.

The warrior strode up a set of stairs to a balcony that overlooked the garden. I moved to the edge and leant against it as I memorised all the flowers standing out against the fountains below. Cain allowed me a moment. Maybe he knew I needed to breathe before I returned to my prison.

I thought about Lexa as I stood there looking around at everything. She'd been right about one thing. Polis was changing my view on grounder culture. They weren't savage animals baiting non stop for blood. They weren't uncivilised. From everything I had seen today already I could tell they were much more civilised than the sky people. Yes, they had their bloody traditions and their strong attitude to war. But they had so much more than that. They sky people just didn't know it.

Footsteps approached the balcony and I twisted my head around in time to watch another of Lexa's prisoners stride up to me. I turned to lean my hip against the wall and I crossed my arms at him.

"Well, if it isn't the Prince of Azgeda"

He ignored my sarcasm, "Don't be fooled. I'm a prisoner here, same as you"

"You're the reason I'm a prisoner here" I spat with a glare. He smirked at me and stopped in front of me.

"Relax, Wanheda. I'm here to help you"

I scoffed and moved back from him, "Sure you are"

I turned to face the city again and saw him lean forward against the wall. He tipped his head my way and let out a breath before he spoke to me again.

"Commander promised to lift my banishment if I delivered you safely. She broke our deal. I'm willing to strike a new one with you so we can both go home"

"I'm already going home" I turned my head out of the conversation.

"Then you won't have a chance to get what you really want" he tempted lowly. I span back to him and eyed him warily. I didn't trust him at all.

"What would you know about what I want?" I snapped impatiently.

"I saw the look on your face when I took that hood off. You want revenge"

I met his eyes again and saw the hatred he held for Lexa easily inside them. He didn't like how she'd crossed him. He thought that in sharing that we had a common enemy. And a common purpose. I looked back at the guards to where Cain was speaking with roan's escort. I turned back to him quickly.

"You want to kill her" I said curtly. He stayed quiet and moved his head a little in a nod.

"So kill her" I told him harshly and moved back. I felt a familiar ache when I said it and told myself I wouldn't care if he succeeded in killing Lexa. I didn't care.

"You can get close. I can't" I looked up at him then. He wanted me to kill her? Roan moved closer and lowered his voice, "You'll find a knife under your bed when you return to your room. I've already bought enough of the guards to get you out of here. If you do this, Azgeda will take control of the coalition, and you'll find a strong and grateful ally in the Ice Queen"

"And why should I trust her? From what I hear, she's worse than Lexa" My memory of the pain in lexa's eyes when she'd told me about Costia flashed to the front of my mind as I said it. What his people did to her was nothing compared to what I'd so far seen her do. Maybe I was biased but Lexa seemed the better option to me.

"That's because you've been talking to Lexa" _He has a point,_ I agreed silently, "Look. We're all trying to do what's right for our people. This is what's right for yours"

I flashed him a glare and shook my head. I was getting real sick of people, strangers, telling me what was best for my people.

"You don't know my people" I told him hotly. He leant back and with a smirk for me. My hand fisted at my side in response.

"No, but I know you"

A loud scream cut through my glare for the prince and we both looked up at the tower behind us as it drew quickly closer. I stared back in horror at the body flying towards the ground. It span and flipped through the air like a rag doll that had been swept up by the wind. I looked away and squeezed my eyes shut, flinching when I heard the sickening crunch of his body breaking into the ground. I didn't need to look over at him to know what he looked like. I looked up at roan instead. He'd watched the entire thing. He held no emotion in his eyes as he stared over at the body.

"He was ice nation" he told me finally meeting my eyes.

I felt a slither of fear creep up my throat and I swallowed it heavily down. Suddenly this was getting too real for me. Roan leant with his back to the balcony. When I looked back at him I could see the street behind the garden. I could see the blood.

Roan's eyes searched my expression a moment, "Still think we're worse than Lexa?"

I wanted to say yes. But I'd just been shown how Lexa was the same as them. There was no difference.

A guard walked up behind roan and grabbed his arm with a bark for the prince to move. He looked back at the man a moment before he bent his head forward to whisper in my ear.

"I hope you choose right" He leant back and I stared at him. He bowed then and mockingly grinned, "Wanheda"

I watched him go. Everything he'd said was running miles in my head. I couldn't understand it all or my feelings towards everything. I needed to think.

Boots pounded up to the balcony and a hand gripped my arm. I jumped and looked up at jes' concerned eyes. They cut back to where the prince was being lead away.

"What did he tell you?"

I shook my head and quickly lied to her, "He was apologising for capturing me. And then… then that happened" I pointed over to the people crowding the street around the body and moved my eyes away from it. I didn't want to look at what happened to those who crosssed Lexa. At what could happen to me.

Jes nodded and gently pulled me into the tower.

"We must get back to your room, Clarke"

I nodded and walked after her. Her hand moving across her waist made me notice her sword was unsheathed. I stopped myself from asking her about it and hurried up to be beside her as we walked.

"What was that about?" I asked her once we started climbing the stairs. She easily rushed up them while I puffed to keep up. She stopped at the top and looked back at me.

"Roan cannot be trusted, Clarke. You should refrain from speaking with him"

I glared at her. How dare she give me orders?

"I can speak with whoever the hell I want!" I snapped back.

She moved back when I reached the top step and her hand hovered over her sword. It made me wonder how I looked right now. Angry enough to make her feel the need to defend herself. I took a deep breath and told myself to calm down. I didn't want to make her think she couldn't talk to me.

"Who was that man?" I asked her. She hesitated an answer.

"He was Ice Nation" was all she said. I frowned at her.

"Why are you killing members of the Ice nation?" I followed her up more stairs, wincing to myself when rushing after her made my back sting.

Jes' eyes flashed coldly at me and I realised how sympathetic I sounded towards her enemy. Her hand slid the sword out of its sheath an inch before she slammed it back down with the heel of her palm. She walked back to me and stood toe to toe with me, eyes blowing fear into me.

"Why are they killing members of my nation? Of yours?" she countered searching my eyes for information. I frowned back at her. I didn't know the answers. It annoyed me how she expected me to know.

"I may be the commander of death, but I don't control who kills who"

I moved around her and marched up the next set of stairs. I let it still the anger inside me, let it tire me. I was able to think a little clearer that way.

I heard jes' boots follow after me and then felt her grip on me as we rounded a corner into a collection of warriors. Their eyes all darted back to us. Like we'd just walked in on a serious conversation. I hesitated moving forward. We needed to pass them to reach my room. Jes' grip tightened on my shoulder and she pushed me towards them. I looked up at their faces as I approached and swallowed when I registered the scarring on their faces.

Ice Nation.

 _Who look pretty pissed._

I closed my hands to hide their shaking and forced myself to look straight ahead as we strode through them. I heard their voices whisper around me and the cold slide of a knife being pulled out of its sheath. Jes carried on pushing me on, her grip pinching down on my shoulder in her silent stress. I winced when it made my back flare.

" _Keep walking, Clarke_ " She whispered turning slightly as we stepped out of their line of warriors. I looked over my shoulder at her unsheathe her sword. She gave them a mean look and raised her sword when one of them walked forward.

" _Stay back!"_ she growled at him and waved me away. His eyes slid from her to me and I could see what he wanted to do. I thought about running. I thought about how easy it would be to leave and get out of Polis right now. But I couldn't leave jes.

The ice nation warrior pulled a knife out of his belt and stalked closer to where I was stood. Jes swung her sword up and rested it against his throat.

" _The commander says nobody touches her"_ she told him in a snarl.

He considered her a moment, " _The queen disagrees"_

He knocked her arm up and pushed her aside. She hit the wall and stumbled down. I started forward to help but she'd already leapt to her feet and grabbed him to throw him back into his friends. It surprised me how he was the only one trying to get to me. The others all remained in their original positions, speaking as if there was no fight.

"Jes-"

" _Go, Clarke_ " she ordered pacing the length of the corridor as he walked back.

He shifted into a crouch and tested her defences before bolting forward. She caught him again and threw him to his feet a few paces back. The warrior leapt up and wiped his face with a grin for her. He wasn't trying to hurt her at all. It was like he was just playing with her.

 _He's trying to make her hurt him,_ I realised. I strode quickly forward when she strengthened her stance and hardened her features. The neck blow I knew would draw blood.

 _And start a war._

He moved forward again. I rushed to her back and twisted my body to spin to meet him. He stopped when the blade pressing hard into his neck drew a little blood. I pushed it harder in and he swallowed and dropped his knife. Jes kicked it away and stared at me. Her hand went to her back where her knife would be. I pressed it against him and glared darkly with the anger burning inside me.

" _You want to test death?"_ I asked cutting his throat a little so he cringed in my grip, "Take your friends and fuck off"

I shoved him back. He stumbled to catch his balance and touched his neck. He stared at the blood on his fingers and gave me a raging glare before he turned and walked off. The other ice nation warriors followed.

I relaxed my stance and returned the knife to jes. She took it and sheathed it on her back before she quickly grabbed my arm and yanked me around. I tried to pull her off but her fingers tightened on me.

"Jes-"

" _I told you to go_ " she snarled angrily, _"I told you to leave and you didn't"_

"You needed help" I pointed out. She opened the door to my room and shoved me inside. Her eyes moved from my face to the ground as she closed the door.

" _Thank you_ " she mumbled before locking it.

I sighed and turned around. I kicked my boot into the shelf beside the window before I collapsed on the seat. I stared up at the sky as I thought about roans offer. I was angry with Lexa but could I honestly kill her?

 _Yes,_ I thought glaring to myself. She betrayed me. She betrayed my people. She let us die.

 _She didn't have a choice_ , my heart continued to defend her. I wish it would just stop.

I thought about the mountain. I thought about Jasper weeping over Maya's body. I thought about how I'd killed him along with those people in that mountain. I remembered the little boy. I remembered Bellamy telling me he forgave me. I remembered all 300 faces. All of it happened because of Lexa. None of them would breathe and laugh again because she had backed me into a corner with the mountain men. They died because of me and because of her. We both had to pay for that.

Suddenly I was angry. As angry as I had been that night I'd screamed my promise to kill her. Lexa continued to force me to make these choices. Lexa continued to make me kill. It had to stop. She had to stop. She had to die.

 _Blood must have blood_ , I thought bitterly.

"Jes?" I called loudly knowing she would hear me. She opened the door and i turned to her, "Tell the commander I'm ready to speak with her"

She nodded and closed the door. I stood and let out a deep breath at my decision. I walked to the bed and lifted the pillow. Under it lay roan's promise shining sharp and deadly in the light. I lifted it in my hands and swallowed hard. I sat and imagined stabbing it through lexa's chest. I imagined cutting her open and breaking her heart exactly as she had to me. My hands shook around the blade until I tightened my hold on it. I would do this. I had to do this.

* * *

Hours seemed to pass while I sat there waiting for the commander. My eyes followed the blade's twirl against the sunlight. My mind followed the screams of the mountain men. The scream of that man lying broken in the street outside. The scream I'd let loose on her that night. Raven's scream when the drill went in. My mom's as she went through the same pain. They all echoed inside my head. They wanted Lexa dead. I wanted her dead.

I looked up when I heard the guards outside talking and I leapt to my feet when the door opened. I tucked the knife up against my wrist and turned my back to the door. Lexa was fast. I would need to be faster.

She walked into the room and stopped behind me. The slight labour to her breathing told me she'd rushed here, desperate to see me.

 _Because she cares_ , my heart tried. I clenched my jaw against its reasoning.

"You wanted to see me? I'm here"

Her voice broke through the wall of rage in my mind and I struggled to respond. My heart had started a thunderous beat in my chest making me feel sick. I swallowed heavily and took a few deep breaths.

Lexa took a step forward on my silence, "Clarke…-"

I closed my eyes and span round, grabbing her neck in the same motion. I pressed the knife hard against her throat and looked up so I could watch her die. Lexa stilled completely under my hands and she stared calmly down at me. Waiting. I hesitated. Her compliance confused me. She could throw me off. She could spin the knife round and kill me in a flash, and we both knew it. Instead she allowed me to press the knife closer into her throat. She would stand there and watch me make a choice and then see the consequence of that choice first hand. My hands shook when I realised she was teaching herself a lesson by letting me kill her.

I looked down at the knife then back at her. The screaming in my head grew louder and my heart pounded against my ribs along with it. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop the killing and the pain.

My eyes drew back to Lexa's eyes and the calm in them started to take effect on me. I felt the knife move when she swallowed and I watched her eyes soften at me before she whispered,

"I'm sorry"

I heard a whimper and it took me a moment to realise I'd started crying. Tears dripped down my cheeks and suddenly I couldn't do this. I couldn't kill her. Because I could never kill her.

 _Because you don't kill those you love_ , my heart whispered in sympathy.

I took one last look at my chance to kill the pain for good and shoved her away from me. I turned my back on her and heard the knife drop to the floor. I looked up at the ceiling and sniffed. I waited for her to pick up the knife. I waited for it to pierce me. Because she had to kill me now. Maybe I wanted it. Maybe I just wanted to stop fighting. I was tired. So damn tired. I just wanted the pain to stop.

I heard Lexa shift on the spot as if she didn't know whether to kill me or hold me. I guess secretly I wanted her to do both. She took a step closer and I flinched waiting.

"I never meant to turn you into this" I sniffed and felt more tears fall as I heard the break in her voice under all the emotion. I never thought I'd hear Lexa admit it was her fault.

"You're free to go" she told me bluntly and I shook my head to myself. I would never be free, "Your mother is here. I'll have you escorted to her"

I heard her walk back to the door and I bit my lip before I turned back to her.

"Wait"

Lexa slowly peered back at me and I saw her eyes flash hurt on seeing me so upset. She turned back to me and I huskily explained, "I have a better idea"

She strode back to me and looked at me to continue. I wiped my sleeve over my eyes and took a deep breath.

"You need me" I started. Lexa immediately shook her head at me.

"Clarke-"

"And I need you" Her eyes flashed again and I felt her hand come up so her fingers brushed mine. She looked down at them and then up at me.

"You don't need to do this" She told me, "You can go back to the Ark. You can be safe there"

I shrugged at her, "I'm safe nowhere. Wherever I go I'll be hunted"

"You still could walk away. You could leave Polis.." she looked into my eyes and added, "And me"

My heart throbbed on hearing her and I quickly moved away to gain space. She moved back immediately. I took a deep breath. Why was it so hard to stay away from her? Why did she make it easy to feel this?

Lexa saw how tense I was and took another couple steps back, "I can protect you, Clarke. And your people. But only if that is what you truly want. I wont force you to make hard choices. Not when they break so much of you away"

I sniffed again and wiped my thumb under my eye. Lexa's eyes followed the movement with a pained expression. She moved over to me and cupped my cheek. Her thumb swept another tear away and she looked seriously at me before her eyes dropped down. I inhaled sharply and bowed my head to touch hers. Her eyes closed and she looked so vulnerable all of a sudden. I hated how much I hated it.

"You don't have to join me, Clarke. I will make sure you are protected whatever you decide. I-" She frowned a moment and whispered, "I cannot bear to think what would happen if something happened to you"

"Something already did happen to me" I reminded her pulling her hand down.

Lexa nodded and opened her eyes. When I saw them I saw Lexa. Not the commander but the girl underneath the power. She looked lost and hurt. And I couldn't bear that.

"You're right. It was my fault. All of it" she was quiet for a long time before she spoke again. She stared off at the window, at her city, and said almost bitterly, "I bear the burden so they do not" she glanced back to me and stroked my cheek with sad eyes, "And now I will bear your burdens also" I frowned at her and she straightened up and lifted her chin, "I will take full responsibility for Mount Weather. You're free of your guilt"

"You cant take it from me" I told her. Lexa frowned a little and her eyes searched my face intently. It reminded me heavily of that moment before she'd kissed me in her tent. I swallowed hard, fighting with myself under her watch.

"Maybe I cant" she conceded, "But we deserve more than to just survive. Especially you"

"Because I'm Wanheda?" I asked rhetorically. Lexa didn't react to my bitterness. Maybe because she didn't see me like that. She kept my eyes and I was growing more and more uncomfortable under her stare.

"Because you are Clarke" she said simply moving away from me suddenly. I let out a long breath as she turned her back and I let myself tremble a little.

I took a step after her and told her I would agree to her suggestion of becoming a clan. It was the only way to ensure the survival of the Arkadians. Lexa bent her head in acceptance and smiled at me. She was glad for my choice.

"I have conditions though" I told her with a stern look.

She let out a breath and it said she was mad at having to compromise. I ignored it though and walked her through it. She seemed open to my suggestions. Hell she even looked surprised. Until it came to the last part.

"I will bow to you" I told her reluctantly. Her smile grew but I cut it off quick with one blow, "But I will not take orders from you"

Her head tipped and her eyes shone dangerously but I wouldn't back down on this one. I swallowed quickly and met her eyes with my serious ones,

"You will not command me. My people will follow you. I will follow you. But you will never command us. If you need us to do something then you will ask first. We wont be pushed around and forced to do things we cant do"

Lexa looked away to the window again and I watched her bathe heavy in her thoughts. She would be torn with a decision. Right now she needed my people. And she needed me. She didn't have time to say no and wait for us to come around to her terms.

"If you didn't answer my commands, I would be seen as a weak commander" she mumbled to herself. I nodded.

"Publicly, yes. So don't command us in public"

"I don't think-" I cut her off quickly before she could talk her way out of it. If she wanted this to work, she would agree.

"You and I work together when it comes to Skaikru" I told her laying down my terms again, "Otherwise, like you said, Im free to go"

Lexa chewed it over and told me she would think about my offer. I nodded and she moved back to the door, stopping suddenly beside the bed and the book rested on top of it. She picked it up and looked back at me.

"You've been reading this?" I nodded and she peered at me, "How do you enjoy it?"

Her interest threw me a little. I simply shrugged at her, "It's okay. The main character kinda bugs me… A lot"

Lexa chuckled and dropped the book down, "Bella bugs me too. I think Jacob is much more suited to another"

My jaw dropped and I stared at her opening the door to go.

"You've read the book?" I asked quickly before she left. Lexa peered back at me and nodded. I gasped sharply when it hit me, "This is your room!"

She ignored my shock and told me, "I will have an answer for you within the hour"

The door closed behind her and I stood staring at it in complete shock. Lexa's kindness always blew me apart. She always made it hard to hate her completely.

* * *

I paced for the hour. Thinking constantly about my entire day. It had been crazy but I knew another crazy one was coming. And soon all my days would spill out the same. I was nervous to step back into the role of leader. I had failed and broken so much last time that I believed I wasn't up to the job anymore. I could step down again easy. But the grounders would forever see me as the leader of the sky people. Because of what I'd done.

My feet were beginning to ache by the time Cain opened the door. Jes walked in and nodded out into the corridor. I walked quickly out and was escorted up the endless flights of stairs to the throne room. It was empty save for Lexa who sat on the floor below the dais looking up at her throne in thought.

" _Wanheda, Commander_ " Cain grunted.

Her head tipped to the side a little, showing her profile. She looked upset for some reason. I heard Cain backing out of the room with Jes and the door closed. Leaving only myself and Lexa in the room. I strode forward a little to stand behind her and looked up at the throne too.

"It was carved from the tree that bore the first commander" she said as if knowing my thoughts had turned curious in my study of it, "Every commander has sat on it. Some have even died on it" My eyes latched onto the darker stains in the white wood and I swallowed to myself. Lexa let out a breath and looked over her shoulder at me.

"But none have ever bargained their command on it"

I frowned at her, "Is that a no?" I demanded crossing my arms.

Lexa climbed to her feet and gave me a solid stare before she walked to her throne and sat down on it. I studied her a moment. She looked all power and danger. And yet, at the same time, she looked like a young woman with so much burden on her shoulders. I pitied her sitting in that throne.

"I have thought about your conditions to my offer" she told me. I nodded and waited. She looked back at me and I felt like squirming under the cool look she gave me. I felt incredibly nervous all of a sudden and I wasn't entirely sure why.

"And?" I prompted when her eyes ran over my face. She looked back at me and let out a breath.

"And I agree" My heart stopped then pounded in my chest. Lexa continued, "If you bow to me and join my coalition, I promise I will not command you. You will be the 13th clan purely for the politics of the clans. Outside that, you are your own people. I will not tell you what to do or how to live. If you keep your people in line"

I nodded. I could do that. Lexa let out another deep breath and I could tell it had taken a lot of time for her to get to this point. She'd sacrificed a lot of self pride to give in to my demands. She'd also put her leadership on the line for it too. And I appreciated it.

 _"Thank you, commander_ " I said bowing my head to her. She looked upset by my actions but quickly stood before I could ask what was wrong. She strode up to me and raised her hand in a silent request for me to walk with her.

"Your mother and Kane are downstairs. They await for me to meet with them"

"But you want me to go instead" I guessed breathing heavy at the thought of seeing my people again so soon. Lexa nodded at me.

"They will not take kindly to becoming a clan under my rule" I flashed her a look and she smiled, "Under my pretend rule" She corrected.

"They'll get over it" I mumbled.

"Even so," she stopped and turned to me, "It will be better coming from you. I know your mother has missed you"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. I understood what she was trying to do. Lexa pointed down the hall to the door under guard. I nodded again and she started to walk away.

"Thank you, Lexa" She paused in her steps but didn't look back. I watched her leave and then turned to the corridor. I stole a deep breath and walked up to the warriors guarding the door.

" _Only the commander is allowed inside"_ One barked at me. I lifted my chin and gave him a cold look.

" _I am the commander. I am wanheda"_

He looked back at his partner and immediately bowed his head and apologised. I rolled my eyes and told them to open the door.

My eyes found my mom the second the door opened. My heart shook and I felt like crying at seeing her again. Instead I pushed my emotions aside and walked quickly into the room. I accepted her hug and lifted my arms to hold her tightly back. I met Kane's eyes as he watched me pull her quickly off. She looked at me confused but I didn't give her time to question my cold behaviour.

"I have something to tell you, and we don't have much time"

Mom's eyes begged me, "Wait a minute. Just let me look at you"

Kane strode up behind her and gently touched her back, "We'll have plenty of time to catch up once we get back home" he promised with a smile. I was thankful for it. I wasn't sure how much time I had to get them to agree with Lexa's offer.

"The Commander's changing he terms of the summit" I told them.

"Is this because of Mount Weather?" Kane asked glancing back at mom who looked away guiltily. I had no idea what they were talking about. But just hearing them mention the mountain made me shake.

"This is because of the Ice Nation. They want Lexa dead. They want to take over the coalition"

"That's Lexa's concern, not ours" my mom brushed unconcerned. Kane shook his head at her,

"No, Abby. If Lexa falls, her Coalition shatters, and there's no way we avoid that war" he turned to me, "You said there were new terms"

"We become the 13th Clan" I told them bracing myself for their quick denial. Mom looked shocked. Kane moved away.

"13th Clan?" My mother looked at me shocked I'd even consider such an idea. I made a note not to mention how it was sort of my idea too.

"What does that mean?" she asked in a disgusted voice, "That we follow Lexa?"

I hesitated to tell her the truth. If they knew Lexa wouldn't exactly command us I knew they would begin thinking ways to push our power as a clan under her. It would make a different war. Only one we couldn't win. I wouldn't betray Lexa like that. Despite everything.

I decided then to keep Lexa's pretend command a secret. It meant I would lead over the chancellor but in reality it made no difference. The grounders saw me as the leader. Lexa saw me as the leader.

 _It's like my vacation away never happened,_ I thought bitterly as I condemned myself to it.

"Yes"

"We came here to negotiate a treaty" Mom responded hotly and I could read the denial in her eyes already.

"This is our unity day, Mom. You can be the 13th station, or you can be the 13th Clan" I told her coldly.

She looked at me like a stranger and turned to Kane for his opinion, "Marcus?"

He turned to us and met her glare with a strong stance, "Clarke's right. I've seen the Ice Nation army, and we don't stand a chance against them. We need to do this"

I saw his reply work its way into her mind and watched her anger fade back a little. She nodded in defeat and turned back to me.

"So we become the 13th Clan. Then what? What's gonna stop the Ice Nation?"

I hardened my expression and stared at them both.

"Wanheda"


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm not ashamed to admit I stayed up 'til 5 freaking am yesterday to watch the newest episode and god damn fuck! Jason is literally killing me with the Clexa tension. I mean, cmon! I totally look forward to writing that episode. Back to this one though! Its long... veeeeery long... Learn to expect that.. :P**

 **Here's a freebie: Can't Pretend by Tom Odell.**

* * *

 _ **To survive, we do what we must...**_

* * *

 ** _Lexa._**

Indra met me as I walked out into the market. My eyes were stinging and a sharp headache was beginning to throb behind them. The war meeting had turned out much like the others, with clan against clan refusing to protect one another while I sat there listening to it all. It had been too hard to sit there calm while I thought strongly of kicking them all out the window like the ice nation envoy.

I gripped my knife as I remembered that moment. I had lost complete control of myself in the commander.

Indra saw me coming and offered me a nod in welcome. She had left the meeting early to oversee the clear up of the marketplace. Something she'd smirked about the second she saw me tortured on my throne.

I strode over to stand beside her and I looked about at the mess. My eyes followed the blood staining the ground by our feet but i felt no regret at what i had done. The ice nation had deserved my wrath.

"He is hard to clean up" indra commented as i stopped beside her. She nodded to a particularly dark patch on the ground ahead of us and gave a disgusted look, "It is almost as if he froze into the ground"

I watched the poor souls picked to clean it struggle to wash the blood away and nodded before I replied, "Ice is in their blood. That is how they are so deceitful"

Indra looked back at me. She took in my hard frown and clenched fists, "Something troubles you" she commented narrowing her eyes at me, "Or someone…"

My mind flashed with my strengthening concern over clarke. Instead of voicing it though I looked away and asked after Titus. She told me he was with the Nightbloods in the training fields.

"He is avoiding further talks with Abby of Skaikru" she told me with a smile, "She is very eager to see her daughter"

"I will meet with Skaikru before sundown" I told her. She nodded and offered to pass the message on.

I nodded my thanks and began to walk away. Indra grabbed hold of my arm suddenly and pulled me back a step. I glared down at her hold on me before I gave her my full anger in one dark stare. She appeared unfazed and leant close to share her concern.

"You are planning something, I know. But I offer my advice as your general and friend. Do not make rash decisions based upon your heart. Especially not ones that involve clarke" She smiled when my face fell in shock to her mind reading and she let me go, "You are getting easier to read by the day, Heda"

"I will take your advice into consideration" I said curtly around the storm beginning in my mind. It wanted me to lash out at her. To strike her down for insisting i listen to her. But I ignored it in favour of walking quickly away. Indra was my last loyal general. I could not so easily afford to lose her.

My eyes sought out Titus when I made it to the fields. He was stood in the middle of the training class watching the young ones spar with each other. I stood a side to wait for him to notice me. As my eyes swept over the future generation of hopeful warriors my heart sank suddenly. I feared they would not see their rights to honour should this war come. I feared for all my people. And yet my mind continued to worry for Clarke the most.

I stared at the children fighting and thought over her continued refusal to speak with me. I'd been certain that she would have sent word to see me by now. I'd been counting on it. I knew my deal had been a lot to consider. A lot to agree to. Becoming a clan under me could be impossible, especially because of the other clans. But I knew in my heart it could work. It had to work. We could not do this without skaikru.

And I could not do this without Clarke.

" _Commander"_ I looked down and met young brown eyes. I nodded at my favourite Nightblood and he swallowed nervous before he fixed his face into the hard frown he'd learned from the warriors.

" _Have you word of my father, commander?_ " He asked with begging eyes.

I shook my head and touched his head gently. My hand ran through his soft hair. It was the same sandy shade as his father's. I felt guilt rip at me again as he watched me. I looked away quickly and grasped ahold of my emotions again. It annoyed me how loosely I held them today. I blamed clarke and our talk this morning. She always got me out of control with my feelings.

" _Ada will return to his people, Aden_ " I promised strongly though my heart twisted in doubt, _"Focus your heart on your training. He would want that"_

His lip shook a little in fear and I quickly stood taller and turned him around back to his class. I didn't know how to comfort him. I knew I shouldn't. He was not taught to feel weakness. I was instilling strength in my young students. He would learn from his father's disappearance to be strong. To ignore his heart. And should Ada not return… Then Aden would learn to harden it to love.

" _Come_ " I said walking him towards the school, _"Show me what you have learned today"_

He nodded and walked quickly through the class to retrieve two staves. I met Titus' eyes as I took the stick from Aden. He looked curious for my appearance in the school but more than that he looked concerned. As if he knew why I had come here.

I left his gaze and drew my attention back to young fledgling in front of me. Training with him would be good for my thoughts. With so much stress from war weighing me down I eagerly welcomed the chance of distraction right now.

I watched Aden pace slowly up and down in front of me, studying my stance as I shifted it into a crouched position to be level with him. His eyes shone nervous before he raised the stick to attack.

I watched the fluid motion of his arms as they rained down on me. He perfectly manoeuvred his body to spin, the stave raising up in his swing. I raised mine to receive the attack and pushed him back with a smirk at his anger. He prowled closer again and came at me with a loud cry.

I held off his blows easily at first but he got faster and stronger the longer we danced with one another. It impressed me how quickly he learned my moves and how quicker he was to intercept them. Slowly I became harder with my attacks, pushing him back to react quicker out of anger for his besting me. Our blows got stronger. Our staves hitting against each other harshly. Soon I was using my entire strength against the child and impressively he withstood it. And so easily too.

I swung my stave at his head and watched him duck. I did it again and he stepped back and blocked it. I span quickly straight after and put all my force behind the swing that followed my turn around, the stave aiming directly into his side. Aden blocked it easy and I smiled impressed.

"Good, Aden" I praised pushing him back "Again!"

I blocked his next attack and pushed his stave down. He forced it back up against me and whacked his stick hard against mine. I took a step back and aimed a new hit at his side. His hands slid a little on his stave after as I rained a collection of parries at him. I saw him frown in concentration as he tightened his grip. He fended me off easy at first but I could see him losing focus as I pushed forward relentlessly. My hands moved either side of my stave and I used the stronger position of them to throw more attacks faster into him. He started backing up and leant back when I aimed another jab to his side. He blocked again and knocked my stave down, and when I fell forward with it he sent me a slap across the face.

I stumbled back surprised and clutched my stave tight in my hand at the pain flaring across my cheek. Anger welled up inside me. At Aden and myself.

I stared down at the him and he withdrew his triumphant smile immediately with nervous eyes that begged me for forgiveness.

Titus called out suddenly over my anger for the child and ordered the others to start training again. I hadn't noticed them stop to watch us.

I pulled my stare off Aden when Titus approached me but kept my eyes cautiously in his direction. I felt incredibly threatened by him. To be bested by a mere child was beyond an insult to a commander. Maybe I was becoming weak.

My eyes followed Aden as he walked over to the others. My mind raced with his beating me.

 _He has spirit_ , I thought replaying it in my mind, _and potential._

 _Even commander potential.._

Titus approached me and I tore my eyes off Aden's new fight to speak with him.

"Aden is ready" I told him turning to leave the clearing. Titus followed silently and I reluctantly added, "He's even better than I was before my conclave"

Titus was watching me warily and I guessed why as I looked from his expression away to the city, "You still think the summit is a bad idea"

"You mean well, Heda, but now is not the time for good intentions. Your enemies are circling. Queen Nia moves against you. Our focus should be there. Instead, you antagonise her further by offering the Skaikru a seat at your table"

I looked back at him strongly, "I will not let the fear of war dictate our agenda"

"Why are you doing this?" He questioned quietly, "Sky People are here to negotiate a treaty, not join the coalition. They didn't ask for this. Not one of the 12 Clans will accept it"

I felt a flash of uncertainty at his words but stood fast by my decision to bind clarke's people to me. It protected her so it made it right.

"They will accept it when they see Wanheda bow before me" I said in a steel voice.

Titus looked down at me and I could see the frustration build in his eyes for my continued stubbornness. I looked away at the tower and thought about her kept inside it. He wouldn't take my answer as an end to the discussion though.

"She won't even see you," Titus argued quietly, "Yet everything you do elevates her. Why?"

He was staring at me hard. I questioned if he could read me just the same as Indra claimed she could. I kept my expression calm and considered his question. It was true. Anything I decided was made with the intentions of making clarke a figure of power among our ranks. It was the only way I could keep her safe. Fear through power.

"Clarke elevates herself" I replied thinking achingly of the sky princess and how right I was.

Clarke had made herself the liaison during our tribes' war. Clarke had come to me as leader of her people. Clarke had acted peacekeeper after. Clarke had been by my side as we marched on the mountain. Clarke killed the mountain men and earned the title wanheda. Straight from the start Clarke had shown herself as a leader. She'd grown through her own initiative. And then she'd elevated herself higher into my heart.

My thoughts rewound to the moment I'd kissed her in the tent and I repeated it again in my mind. Clarke was like no other.

"She's special" I added softly.

In the corner of my eye I could see Titus peer at me suspiciously,

"You're special, Heda. I've been the fleimkepa for 4 commanders," I glanced back at him and found his eyes locked solemnly on me, "No one has done what you have. We are so close to our goal..."

I turned to him and waited for him to carry on. He did so cautiously,

"If you want the power of Wanheda, you know what must be done. You strike her down. Kill her. Take her power"

I swallowed my building rage and looked back at him. Everybody expected me to kill Clarke. But I was done living by everybody else's expectations.

"There is another way"

His eyes gleamed with disapproval but I ignored it and walked away. I knew I was right. I knew it could be done. Because Clarke would be willing to work alongside me. I just had to let her settle her anger for me first.

"Aden" I called as I strode past his fight. He settled his opponent quickly and ran to my side to walk with me to the wood.

I turned to him and took in the worried gleam in his eyes as he waited for me to speak. I studied him a moment, searching for the commander spark inside of him before I began.

"Aden, you are an impressive warrior"

He bowed his head at the compliment, "Thank you, Heda"

I tipped my head a little still searching before I told him, "You will begin private training with me" His eyes flashed back to my face and I watched him smile proudly. My expression softened down at him and I smiled too, "We will begin tomorrow before sunrise" he nodded, "Meet me in the market"

Aden nodded again and bowed to me, "Thank you, heda" he said again. I gave a curt nod and told him to go back to the others. He ran away, a happy bounce in his steps.

I shook my head amused before I turned back to the woods. He hadn't questioned my gift of my teaching him. Perhaps because he knew what I already believed. He would take up my spirit when it was through with me. He showed too much potential to not receive it. If I was right and I had found the next commander I could mould him to be a good leader. Better maybe than me.

I was so focused on my thoughts I hardly noticed the two warriors tailing me through the trees. I looked over my shoulder at them and stopped completely to face the one on the right.

Eko bowed to me. I studied her face. She had been resting for the last few days but she still looked bloody from her attack.

 _"When did you wake?_ " I asked looking at the bruising across her left eye. She smiled weakly at me.

" _This morning, commander"_

My eyes flitted towards monroh, "And I wasn't told because…?"

The young second hesitated and looked to her warrior for help. Eko rolled her eyes and took a step towards me. Her eyes shone darkly as she addressed me.

"We have problems larger than my sleeping schedule" I tipped my head back and she frowned heavy while she added, _"Azgeda is marching on Polis"_

"They are already outside" I reported.

Her eyes widened and she shot her second an angry look. Obviously Monroh had failed to inform everybody. Eko shook her head in disapproval and asked me what I planned to do about it.

"Im not required to share anything with you, Eko of Azgeda" I said harshly throwing her down with a hard look.

She stepped back with a bowed head and an apology. My heart softened towards her though. She was an honest warrior and a loyal friend. She deserved to know.

"I am to host a summit of clans tonight" I informed calmly, "Together we will plan our move against Nia"

Eko's eyes flashed with the mention of her queen and I didn't know if I fully trusted them as they searched the ground with her thoughts. She took a deep breath and looked up at me again.

"And Skaikru?" she questioned, "Monroh tells me they are in the city also"

I nodded, "They are here to negotiate an alliance"

"We heard they are to join us as another clan" monroh frowned glancing back at her warrior tensing beside her. I looked between them and relented with a nod.

"Tonight I will invite them into the coalition" Eko looked at me in shock for my announcement. She moved forward and took my arm to draw me aside. She glanced back at her second before she whispered to me.

" _Do you think that wise? The ice queen will see it as a threat"_

I yanked my arm away from her grip and pushed her back away from me. I would not have a warrior question my decisions. Especially not one whose clan moved against us.

She backed up with her hands raised in surrender. I held my anger in check and told her to worry less for clan politics and more for herself. She nodded with an embarrassed look for having insulted her commander. I realised she hadn't meant to cross the line and I reasoned that she was just concerned. As we all were. I forgave her with a nod.

I put my hand on my shoulder and gave her a sad smile, _"Go rest. We will need all our best warriors when war comes"_

I turned and left then, footsteps hindering slightly when I heard monroh call after eko's quick retreat down the trail. I couldn't help but wonder what Eko was doing. If she was up to anything.

 _She was injured by her own people,_ I reasoned.

 _Blood is blood,_ my mind warned heavily.

I blew out a breath of frustration. I didn't want to put Eko under watch. Not after all the pain she'd been through in the mountain. She hadn't so far given me reason to give her doubt, and until I had proof otherwise, she didn't deserve it.

I strode slowly through the woods. The sun was slowly going down and it made me remember my promise to Skaikru. I quickened my pace. From previous experience I knew Clarke's mother was not one to keep waiting. Her tongue got fierce with impatience. Much like her daughters.

"Heda!" I turned and found Jes sprinting up the trail. My heart thrummed nervous and I gripped my knife tight as she neared. She should be guarding Clarke.

 _"Why have you left your post?"_ I demanded taking the last few steps towards her. Jes was panting a little, like she'd ran all the way here from the tower. I knew only an emergency would have pushed her into doing that.

 _"Clarke sent me"_ she breathed, " _She is ready to speak with you"_

I nodded and hurried a thanks to her before I broke into a run towards the city. Clarke sending for me could only mean she had changed her mind. She would agree with me. Like I always knew she would. I felt my heart push me faster. In agreeing to work with me clarke was showing she trusted me. Enough to work by my side again. And that was enough.

The guards at the gate hurried a greeting to me as I sprinted towards them and leapt up over it. They looked awed by my speed and confused by my lack of patience to wait for them to open the gate. I ignored them and carried on through the fields circling the inner city towards the tower.

I was breathing heavy as I approached the last stairs to Clarke's level and I stopped to catch my breath before I hurried to her door. The guards opened it and I walked quickly in.

"You sent for me" I said stopping behind her.

She was stood by the bed, back turned to me. The door closed and I stilled my nervousness with a strong stance,

"Im here" I added waiting for her to speak.

Clarke stayed quiet and kept her back to me. I found her behaviour strange and took a step forward.

"Clarke-"

She span back to me and I saw the slight shine of silver flash in her hand before I felt a knife press to my throat.

I froze still and stared at her. Her hand held my neck tight while the other forced the knife's edge into my skin. My heart was weeping inside my chest. I couldn't believe what was happening. I never really expected her to actually try and kill me. I'd assumed it was just her anger talking false promises. I never took it seriously and I should have.

I could feel the thin edge of the blade slide slightly into me as she struggled to put enough pressure against her hold to slit my throat. I let her hold me despite having the strength and ability to knock her away. I let her take my life into her hands. Maybe because I wanted to see wanheda. I wanted to see this fiery dark side of clarke. I wanted to look it in the eye and watch it choose to kill me. Because unlike everybody else I had known it was alive inside her all along.

Clarke's hand was shaking over the knife and it caused it to scratch my throat. I held onto the pain and kept my eyes calmly on hers. I should be mad but I felt nothing except guilt. Because I was seeing for the first time the true consequence for my choice to abandon her. All this self hate she felt inside was breaking her so much. I feared to know if the Clarke I knew was still alive in there.

 _Come back to me Clarke,_ I begged watching her hesitate the kill.

Her eyes searched my face. She was confused for my lack of self defence. Her hand pressed me into the knife a little more but I knew she wouldn't do it. She couldn't. Because she knew in her heart she didn't want to kill me.

I knew what I had to do. What I should have done the moment I saw her pushed to her knees in front of me.

I swallowed to myself as she glanced down at the knife and I forced the commander to the back on my mind. This time Leska would say the words. This time they would be heavy with all my pain and all my sorrow for her. This time she would believe me.

Clarke looked back at me and met my eyes.

"I'm sorry"

Clarke's resolve was melting under my eyes. I could feel her other hand shaking now around my neck, and the knife cutting into my throat a little more with her tremors. Her eyes watered over mine and she let out a small whimper before her hands shoved me back away from her.

She turned her back on me and I saw the knife fall to the floor by her boot. Maybe I should have picked it up and hit her back but I couldn't. I could only stand there frozen in my guilt. I could barely hold the pain in. And I could tell she couldn't either.

 _What have I done?_

I could see now the true extent of my influence on her and I really didn't like it. I'd truly turned her into something cold and angry. I saw now that in trying to strengthen her heart I had broken it.

 _I completely broke it._

I wanted to stop her pain. I wanted to help her. I wanted to take her in my arms and forever shield her from everything. The commander in me screamed for revenge for her attempt on my life. Leska screamed for release. I struggled with myself. I didn't know what to do.

I took a step forward but stopped myself from going to her when she flinched. She was expecting me to attack her. And she was leaving herself willingly open for it. Like she wanted it. I swallowed and looked down at the ground. I realised now this couldn't go on. The only way I could help Clarke now would be to free her.

"I never meant to turn you into this" I choked on my confession and struggled with my emotions. I felt my eyes sting to cry for her. I hardened myself and forced my voice to be stronger.

"You're free to go" I told her bluntly as I blinked the tears away, "Your mother is here. I'll have you escorted to her"

I walked back to the door with my mind set on letting her go. No matter how much it was breaking me I would free Clarke. She didn't deserve to be locked up in her pain forever. I would have her free of it.

"Wait"

I froze and peered back at her. My heart wept in seeing her pain so clearly written across her face. And yet her eyes were lit with determination.

"I have a better idea"

I bowed to my curiosity and strode back to her. My eyes struggled to keep hers as she wiped her sleeve under her eyes. I watched her steal a calming breath before she began.

"You need me" she said and it sounded like a defeated agreement to me.

I shook my head at her. I already said she would go free. I would not corrupt her further by forcing her to agree with me. I would find another way.

"Clarke-"

"And I need you"

My breath shook in my throat at her quiet confession. I hesitated but then quickly brought my hand up to take hers. I faltered a little not knowing if it was welcomed and settled for just brushing fingers with her. My mind wrenched at the feel of the tears wetting her fingertips. I looked down at our hands. Together they looked perfect. But I knew in my heart that mine would always bend and break hers. Always.

"You don't need to do this" I told her strongly, "You can go back to the Ark. You can be safe there"

I looked up in time to see her shrug and say, "I'm safe nowhere. Wherever I go I'll be hunted"

 _She's right,_ I thought withholding my true reaction to her reply. Inside I was shuddering violently at the thought of clarke having a life full of being hunted and hurt. In my mind I saw it roll into my ageing vision of her eventual death by the Ice Nation. Because they would capture her.

I swallowed and pushed on. I would not have her choose this out of duty to me or her people. She had the chance to free herself. From all of it.

"You still could walk away. You could leave Polis.." I met her eyes and swallowed the pain and fear back down, "And me"

Clarke tensed up a little then and I knew her enough to know she was starting to feel closed in. I moved back to give her space.

"I can protect you, Clarke. And your people. But only if that is what you truly want. I won't force you to make hard choices. Not when they break so much of you away"

Clarke sniffed her tears back again and I watched her wipe them away as if it shamed her to cry in front of me. She shouldn't. I didn't think her weak for it. I never would. It pained me immensely to see her so broken, and by my choices too. I wanted to offer some comfort. I wanted to help stop the torment inside her. Because I could see how twisted it made her. Clarke was broken and I wanted to help fix her.

 _You already have done enough_ , my head warned in a vicious threat. My heart ached in line with it. They both agreed I could do no good when it came to Clarke.

 _Let her go_ , they whispered.

I felt myself stiffen. Everything in me was telling me to let Clarke go. But I couldn't.

I simply couldn't.

I moved close and cupped her cheek in my palm. I couldn't help myself. Seeing her pain made me feel it. I wished nothing more than to shield her from it somehow. I gently wiped my thumb under her eye and caught another tear from trailing her face. I stared down at it then at the others rolling down her cheeks. I heard Clarke breathe quickly and harshly in before I felt her head move forward to lean heavy against mine.

I closed my eyes to her. I was struggling to keep control of myself. I was too close to bending a knee and begging her to stay. Without conditions. Without threat. I would have her at my side where she was safe. But I knew she never would be. I could never protect her from the ghosts of the mountain. Only she could overcome those demons.

And I could never protect her from the commander.

"You don't have to join me, Clarke" I said stroking my thumb across her cheek, "I will make sure you are protected whatever you decide. I-" I paused with the pain again and frowned heavily under it, "I cannot bear to think what would happen if something happened to you"

"Something already did happen to me" She husked and I felt her hand reach up to remove mine from her face. I nodded and looked down at her. Her eyes levelled with mine and they searched me intently. I let her. I couldn't keep putting up walls against her.

"You're right" I told her as I bowed to the guilt I'd been pushing away for too long, "It was my fault. All of it"

I turned my head a little and stared out the window. I was lost in my thoughts as I listened to her breathe. I thought about that night at the mountain. I thought about the exact moment it had broken the both of us. Just so the people outside this room would live happily. But we would not.

Clarke still had a shot at a peaceful life if I let her go. She wanted to be forgiven. She wanted her guilt washed away. I would do that for her.

"I bear the burden so they do not" I mumbled and looked back at her. I met her eyes and stroked her cheek again as i made her a promise, "And now I will bear your burdens also"

She frowned back at me and I straightened my stance with a strong look, "I will take full responsibility for Mount Weather. You're free of your guilt"

Clarke looked confused by my offer. That frown I loved so much came back to her features and her eyes met mine so gently it made me forget briefly that she had tried to kill me before.

"You cant take it from me" she told me softly. It was my turn to frown. She'd always wanted me to take the blame, to face up to the gruelling consequences of my choices. Why was she refusing my acceptance now?

"Maybe I cant" I conceded as I studied her, "But we deserve more than to just survive. Especially you"

Clarke's eyes shone brighter a moment, remembering the last time we spoke of survival. But then they died again and she looked away with a glare for the corner of the room.

"Because I'm Wanheda?" She replied bitterly. I could tell it was a title she loathed to own. One she would never hold as proudly as I would had our positions been reversed.

I looked at her and realised as my eyes moved down the face of the commander of death that she wasn't a legend to me. She was just clarke. Sky princess. Beauty. Equal. Leader.

Simply Clarke.

"Because you are Clarke" I said moving quickly away from her.

I could hear her sharp breath as I turned my back before she took a step after me. I turned at her accepting my offer of becoming the 13th clan and, though it surprised me she would bow to my leadership, I couldn't help but believe it was a decision made out of holding no alternate hope.

 _She wants to stay,_ I decided reading her eyes lock onto mine. I felt relief at the same time I felt dread. I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to her if she stayed with me. What would I do next that would push her closer to the edge? How much more would it take to kill Clarke?

I bent my head at her agreement and gave her a slight smile. I couldn't stop myself feeling a glimmer of happiness at knowing she would still be here come tomorrow.

 _If the summit goes as planned_ , I reminded myself darkly.

"I have conditions though" Clarke announced sternly over my smile. I felt a flicker of irritation but let it out in a deep breath. I then forced myself to remain silent as she spoke, allowing her the space to set her terms down.

I listened intently and watched her speak with that strong frown of hers. I admit I had missed it. It felt relieving to see the old Clarke spark back to life a little inside her. It gave me hope she could come back completely.

Her terms were difficult. The commander in me wanted to refuse. What Clarke wanted would break the control I held. It would imply my weakness. It would set me up for more than just revolt in the clans. In agreeing with her I could lose everything.

But looking back at Clarke speaking I knew that if I didn't agree I would still lose everything.

I strode back to the door after agreeing to think it over. I stopped with a pause to look back at her. I swallowed seeing her eyes blowing strongly in fight with herself. She was making this choice with her head. I could tell. And though it made me proud it also deeply pained me.

"I will have an answer for you within the hour"

I left her with that and moved out of the room.

My warriors greeted me but I ignored them and moved down the tower. My mind rushed everywhere as I walked and soon I found I had wandered through the city to the temple. I stared up at the building, at all the cracked bricks holding it together.

Now I was feeling desperate.

"Heda!"

I stared down at the priest when he gasped at my presence in the doorway and I quickly pushed past him into the temple. My eyes ran over the sacred walls to the aged pictures of our gods covering them. I swallowed and bowed my head when my eyes rested on the statue at the front of the temple. I hadn't seen it since the day after Costia's pyre was burned. The day I lost my faith with the gods.

 _"I must speak with Cruci_ " I whispered, keeping my voice low because I feared the gods anger should I speak too loudly. I needed to talk with the priest. I needed him to decode this prophecy so I knew what action to take.

The priest nodded and hurried away to fetch Cruci. I continued to look around. It felt like a violation being inside the temple again. Like the gods would fling me out any second.

 _"You're scared of a little religion?"_

I closed my eyes as her voice echoed around me and I shook the memory from my mind. I did not want to think of costia right now.

A warm wind blew up my neck as I turned from the statue and I trembled with the dull ache in my heart,

 _"The gods should fear you_ " she'd whispered low into my ear. I felt my eyes close again. My heart was aching hard now. I replayed her voice inside my head. I let it echo through it. I could still feel the touch of her lips against my cheek and the pull of her hand on mine, directing me around to face her loving eyes and her welcoming lips.

I opened my eyes and let out a long breath. Costia haunted me within these walls. I shouldn't have come here.

I turned to leave but a voice called my name out of the shadows. I peered over my shoulder and immediately bowed to the high priestess. She strode over and touched my cheek with a warm smile for me. Looking into her eyes I felt like a child.

" _You are no longer required to bow to me, commander_ " she bowed her head low and I fidgeted uneasy. Her back straightened and she looked me over with admiration burning in her old eyes.

"You honour the temple with your visit" she began nodding her head in respect, "But I cant help but question your reasoning. You haven't returned here since-"

I quickly stopped her from saying it and rushed a reply, "I needed to speak with Cruci" I explained avoiding her eyes, "But it can wait"

I backed up a step and she moved after me. Her hands snatched forward and she held my hand up in her own. She cupped it tightly in her grip and I knew better than to pull it away. Her eyes studied it a moment before she looked up at me.

"Your spirit is weakened" She told me worried. I stared back at her but she didn't explain.

Her eyes sought mine and she stared into them for a long time before she let me have my hand back. I held it up but I couldn't see the concern she did.

" _The sky will fall to meet the earth_ ," she began in a slow whisper.

My head whipped back to her but she'd moved. I moved around to follow her circling me.

She spoke the prophecy as she went, _"And the world will turn dark. A commander shall die bowed at her hearts hand.._ "

"And the ground will soak in blood" I finished for her. Her hands shook and she continued to walk around me, breathing heavy and muttering to herself.

"What does it mean?" I asked strongly, desperate for an answer.

She didn't respond. It was as if I had never spoken. I gripped her arm to stop her circling of me and I stared in shock at her eyes. They were glowing a little around the pupil. I had never seen the like before. It scared me.

I immediately released her and snuck a hand round to the dagger on my hip. The priestess began shaking and I watched her violently tremble before she stopped suddenly and faced me. Her stare was vacant as she fixed her glowing eyes on me. It sent a shiver of fear up my back.

" _Queens will dance with kings. Blood will fall to the sky's bow. Allies will call enemies. And another will take up mantle as commander"_

"Who?" I demanded. My mind had immediately raced back to my fight with Aden.

She frowned deeply at my reply and shook her head. When she looked up at me again she looked normal. She slipped with unbalance and I rushed forward to catch her. She breathed deeply before she pulled her eyes back to me.

"Heda, I fear for you here" she confided lowly, "This prophecy is not a happy one"

 _No shit,_ I thought meekly. I felt so unnerved it took me a moment to realise I'd thought like a sky person.

I had to leave. I had to return to clarke. This prophecy had just given me more reason to ally with wanheda and her people. I rose quickly to my feet and turned from the priestess. I rushed back to the door as quickly as I dared in the temple. I was eager to be gone from it.

She called after me when I opened the door.

" _Your heart will steer you right, Leska"_ she told me solemnly, " _Do not forget that"_

I nodded and quickly left her. My mind chased itself in circles as I ran back through the city to the tower. My guards looked alarmed as I sprinted inside and they called after me. I ignored them and continued to run. I felt heavy. Like the mountain again. I needed to breathe. All this uncertainty crashing around me was making it difficult to draw air into my lungs. I was angry for my luck. I was furious. I just wanted peace and the gods continued to play with me.

 ** _"_** _A commander earns peace"_ , Anya's voice hissed angrily through my thoughts. I growled under my breath and panted on to the last level of the tower.

A guard approached me doubled over from my pain at the top. In his confusion he strode forward and touched my arm. And I lashed out in a rage. I grabbed his jacket when he dared to touch me and I punched him hard a few times before I released him. He stumbled back and coughed, spitting blood down his chin. I breathed heavily and nodded at him to leave. He bowed and walked quickly down the stairs behind me. I watched him stumble away and leant my palms against the cold stair railing, ducking my head between my shoulders to push my remaining anger away.

It took a few minutes but I soon calmed enough to walk to the throne room. I told my guards to leave as soon as I entered. I waited for them to close the door before I collapsed to my knees in front of the aged seat.

I pinched my nails into my thighs and closed my eyes. I thought heavily over clarke's offer. Over clarke's safety. Over clarke. It tormented me how she refused to leave my mind. It hurt caring for another. Because I would lose her, just as I had lost Costia. That was the price of the commander.

I glared up at the twisted branches of the aged tree that made the throne of Polis. My spirit was at war with itself inside me. The gods were controlling the commander side but the Leska side was growing stronger with her care for clarke. I worried how to balance the two, knowing that the commander spirit would leave if i failed to be strong enough to hold onto it.

 _Allies will call enemies.._ What if that meant Skaikru?

 _We cant make this deal,_ my thoughts whispered. I shook my head.

 _We have to._

 _The clans will revolt._

 _They're already revolting,_ I barked back at myself. The clans were breaking under my grip. Another push would be all it took for them to disband and declare war.

 _Inviting Skaikru would be that push_ , I nodded and pinched my fingers harder into my skin. I winced with their pain and bowed my head a little to glare at the floor.

 _You can't keep her safe,_ my mind whispered cruelly. Painfully my heart let clarke slip a little out of its hold in agreement. I trembled on my breaths and closed my eyes tight, pulling clarke straight back to me.

"We must keep her safe" I told them.

* * *

 _"Wanheda, Commander"_

I pulled myself out of my own mind. I'd been sat on the floor staring at the throne for an age. My back was stiff from the position I had placed myself in for too long. I looked sideways at the guard and saw clarke walk in. My heart paced uneven with her approaching steps and I returned my attention back to the throne.

"It was carved from the tree that bore the first commander" I shared, knowing her curiosity for it was eating her into silence, "Every commander has sat on it. Some have even died on it" I let her take it in before I let out a deep breath and looked over my shoulder at her.

"But none have ever bargained their command on it"

"Is that a no?" she demanded hotly and crossed her arms.

I turned and glared at the throne again before I climbed to my feet. I gave her a stare for her demand before I paced back to the throne and sat down on it. I studied her a moment. Clarke watched me closely and I struggled internally to give her my verdict. I'd thought long over her offer and it had been a hard choice to make. Nearly as hard as the decision to abandon her at the mountain.

"I have thought about your conditions to my offer" I announced. Clarke nodded and waited for me to speak. I stared back watching her look nervous. I thought about the new prophecy as I searched her eyes. Would this choice really keep her safe?

"And?" she asked when I remained quiet and unfocused with my thoughts. I took a deep breath and nodded at her.

"And I agree" Clarke's eyes flashed hopefully so I continued, "If you bow to me and join my coalition, I promise I will not command you. You will be the 13th clan purely for the politics of the clans. Outside that, you are your own people. I will not tell you what to do or how to live. If you keep your people in line"

I knew this union could work. Even under her conditions. Because it was exactly the agreement we had worked under for the mountain. The only difference was this bound her to me.

Clarke bowed her head, " _Thank you, commander_ "

My heart fluttered painfully. The priestess' voice echoing in my thoughts

 _Blood will fall to the sky's bow…_

I swallowed and stood up. I ignored her concern for me and pointed out the room for her to join me, knowing that my voice would crack should I speak right now.

"Your mother and Kane are downstairs" I told her gruffly through a thick voice. I told myself to calm and carried on, "They await for me to meet with them"

"But you want me to go instead" Clarke breathed looking worried. I nodded at her. I knew she was feeling uneasy but she needed to do this. Otherwise our settlement would be pointless.

"They will not take kindly to becoming a clan under my rule" She threw me a look of warning and I couldn't help but smile, "Under my pretend rule"

"They'll get over it" I heard her mumble under her breath. It had me smiling behind my stress.

"Even so," I stopped and twisted to face her fully, "It will be better coming from you. I know your mother has missed you"

Clarke looked nervous but she nodded at me. I smiled and pointed to the room where her mother waited. She nodded at me in understanding and I walked away smiling at having regained our silent communication. I heard her footsteps echo down the hall and I paused to hear her bark at the guards. I chuckled to myself and carried on. She would make a fearsome leader yet.

My heart stuttered on the thought and I remembered,

 _Another will take up the mantle as commander._

Could that mean clarke?

I breathed shakily out and continued walking. My mind continuing as I followed them back to the room I'd been using to sleep in. The summit would proceed in the next hour. I needed to focus. I had to look like the commander when I faced my people.

* * *

I gazed around the dark candlelit room and nodded to my favoured clan leaders as they took up their posts in the semi circle around the room. In the corner a fire was being tended, the branding iron burning hot in its flames. Aden stood straight and focused next to it. I'd invited him into the meeting for his first lesson on being a commander. A singer had been called to sing the coalitions anthem. She was stood beside him croning softly amid the gentle chatter in the room.

My eyes span around the leaders continually. My mind spiked with paranoia. Who would be the first to turn against me tonight?

"You stare at them as if they were wolves baying for your blood" I turned at her comment and smiled down at Luna. I bowed my head when she bowed hers.

"Are they not?" I returned with a coy smile. She chuckled and looked around the room at all the clan delegates.

"They do become more animal every day" she agreed glaring into the corner at the new ice nation envoy. I followed her glare and felt my own come up. I took a deep breath and touched her hand.

"Will I have your support tonight?" I asked her. Her silver eyes flashed back to me in an instant.

"Why should you not?" She asked narrowing her eyes at me. I looked away as the guards announced clarke's arrival and shook my head. Luna took her cue and left my side to return to her designated spot beside the river clan leader.

I looked down at myself, suddenly questioning my strength to go through with this. My eyes drifted down the thin slip I'd changed into and I let out a breath of annoyance at it. How I wish I could have hosted a summit in my warrior attire.

 _I hate traditions,_ I mumbled silently to myself and positioned the strap of fabric over to cover the wound on my shoulder. I walked up to the throne and positioned myself in front of it looking down at the clan leaders. My eyes moved past them when the doors opened and I felt my heart skip a couple beats when clarke entered.

She like me was wearing a slip, only hers was a thicker option made from pelt and skins. It was a creamy tan colour that matched her skin and her now braided hair perfectly. My eyes travelled over her strong expression to the blue eyes standing guarded against the war paint beneath them. My breath blew out when she looked directly at me. As if I were the only person in the room. She looked ferocious. She looked strong. Like wanheda.

Clarke looked..

"Beautiful" I whispered to myself.

 _"Commander?_ " Titus asked leaning towards me.

I blinked my attention briefly away from clarke to shake my head at him. Then I returned it eagerly back to her. Greedily I stared at her, enjoying her body as it swayed through the crowd and commanded attention from everyone.

Clarke walked straight to me, eyes set solely on mine. They slipped a little taking me in and my skin flushed with warmth at their attention. She stopped at my feet and looked up at me. I watched her hesitate a second before she bent her knee and bowed low to me. I felt my breath catch in my throat.

Roan was the first to go down after clarke. His eyes were pinned to the blonde's back and he smirked at me as he lowered himself to bow to me. The other clans followed suit until I was the only one standing. I felt an immense satisfaction in the power I held over them in that moment. But I knew, looking down at clarke, it was all down to her.

 _We cannot do this without her,_ my heart enforced. I agreed with it.

"Hail, warriors of the 12 Clans" I called out.

They all echoed, "Hail, Commander of the Blood"

"Rise" I commanded and they rose to their feet. Clarke found my eyes again and she gave me a warning look before she retreated to her people. I understood.

I looked around at the other leaders and I glanced back at clarke once before I charged on.

"We welcome Skaikru to our halls in the spirit of friendship and harmony" Abby and Kane nodded at me in respect and I turned back to Clarke. I raised my hand to her, "And we welcome Clarke from Skaikru... Legendary Wanheda, Mountain Slayer"

The other leaders took her in with impressive eyes. She kept hers on me thought, ignoring their comments and focusing on my face as I worked another sentence in my head. I had to look away when I drew up empty. Looking at her was making my brain blur a little.

"The reason for this summit has changed" I declared strongly, "We are not here to negotiate a treaty with the Skaikru, but rather to initiate hem into the coalition" A murmur went up among the leaders and from the sounds of it they were not very happy with my plan.

I charged on, "To symbolise this union, the leader of Skaikru must bear our mark"

I raised my hand to the Skaikru and watched them turn to see the branding iron come out of the flames. Clarke stood aside and found me again. She would not take the brand. She feared it would me I owned her. I nodded at her decision and watched Kane speak with Abby. He began rolling his sleeve up. Secretly I was pleased it was him and not her taking it. He turned to face the brand with a brave look and I decided them that I liked this man from the sky. To my left Indra was watching him with a proud gleam in her eyes.

"Present your arm" I told him.

He held it out and closed his eyes as the brand pressed into his flesh. The other leaders watched on in silence when he refused to cry out. I beamed my approval at Clarke. She managed a slight smile back before the doors burst open.

We all looked back at the intrusion and Clarke started forward towards the man holding a gun up to us.

"Bellamy?!" she gasped in disbelief.

Titus started forward to stand beside me and rumbled, "What is the meaning of this?"

Bellamy looked back at me and moved his attention to clarke, "The summit's a trap. We need to get you out of here"

Clarke stayed still and stared at him, "What the hell is going on?" She cried looking back at me in disbelief.

"I don't know" I snarled staring down at the boy with the gun. He was trying to break this treaty. He was trying to take clarke.

He looked back at his elders and then said loudly, "It's the Ice Nation"

My eyes shot to the prince. He was watching on just as surprised with the sky people's intrusion as the rest of us. The Azgeda delegate instantly strode forward to defend his nation.

"These allegations are an outrage! The Ice Nation never stormed this summit with weapons, breaking our laws. That was the Skaikru!"

Another man that had come with Bellamy's crew spoke up. I didn't recognise him but i could guess from the way Indra glared at him that he was the leader of the new skaikru group. He looked around at us nervous before he addressed Kane.

"We're right about this. The two guards you left behind are dead already. We need to go now"

"How did you come by this information?" I asked curious to know what made them think they could storm us. Bellamy looked over his shoulder and then turned full circle in confusion. Octeivia looked too and matched his confusion.

"Where the hell is Echo?" she hissed. I snapped my head up to glance in her direction.

"Eko?" I repeated feeling clarke's eyes on me. Bellamy ignored me and turned to his sister and the other man.

"What's going on? Where the hell is she?" he demanded angrily.

I thought back to Eko's behaviour earlier. Her fast retreat away. I wanted to believe she didn't do this. But looking at the honest shock on their faces it made sense now that she had. Eko had betrayed us.

"Bellamy," Octeivia looked worried now. She glanced back at me in complete fear, "Maybe we were wrong about this"

"I don't understand" he mumbled turning back to clarke. My guards strode forward to arrest him suddenly and I barked at them to stand down. I could not let blood spill on this summit. For traditions sake and clarke's.

A static noise came from Bellamy's pocket and a couple of the clan leaders backed away from him fearing magic. I stared down at the radio as he raised it to his mouth to talk. I recognised Raven's voice immediately. The colour going from Bellamy's face said something was wrong.

 _"The Grounders attacked Mount Weather"_ She told him breathlessly. I stared down at the radio in his hand. My mind was ablaze with Cruci's vision.

 _A scarred army laying waste to Polis while mountains crumbled before it..._

 _Mountains crumbled..._

 _And now Mount weather was destroyed._

I swallowed with fear while I watched the Skaikru process the loss. My mind was staggering over my own reaction. Cruci's voice was ringing hollow through my thoughts as I pieced together what had happened. I couldn't help but think, what else would come true from his vision?

My eyes crept back to clark and thinking about it sent a tremble down my spine.

"What are you talking about?" Bellamy barked bringing my attention back.

" _It's gone"_ Raven cried back in a thick voice, _"It's gone. They're all gone. Sinclair and I are the only ones left. I'm so sorry"_ Ravens voice broke into a collection of sobs and she repeated, _"I'm so sorry"_

I thought about my consent to let the sky people move into the mountain. And now they were dead. I looked back and met clarke's eyes and knew she was taking the news extremely bad inside. I needed to speak with her before she thought it was her fault too.

 _It's mine,_ I told her with an apologetic look. Her expression hardened to me and I worried she hated me more now.

"You should have never moved your people back into Mount Weather" The ice nation envoy stepped forward through the silence into the centre of the room with a sick smile for abby and kane, "The Ice Nation did what Lexa was too weak to do"

I flared in anger and stared down at roan. He looked up at me quickly but I wasn't going to pardon his ignorance a second time.

"This is an act of war" I growled slowly through my rage. The envoy smiled and nodded. I glared him down.

"Sentries, arrest the Ice Nation delegation, including the prince"

Prince roan looked up at me as he was hauled away and again his attention drifted back to clarke. I walked towards Titus and Indra followed.

" _We must convene a war meeting immediately_ " Titus muttered. I nodded and looked over at the sky people. Abby was rushing to get back to the Ark, understandably.

"Go" I told them, "Marshal your forces. We'll avenge the attack together"

"I'll escort them" Indra offered walking down the dais to Octeivia. She drew her sword and looked down at her old second," I hope you kept up your training" I heard her bite snidely with a smile, "You'll need it"

I bent my head back to Titus' whispers as they departed and told him to call the generals to the war room. He nodded and beckoned Aden forward.

"Clarke, we need to leave now"

I looked up at Bellamy's call for her and then back to Clarke. I panicked at the thought of losing her. I knew if she left Polis she would not be safe. I might not see her again.

"We need an ambassador from the 13th Clan to stay here in Polis" I rushed fixing my eyes on hers when she looked over her shoulder at me. I begged her to stay. I needed her here where I could protect her.

Bellamy's glare found me over Clarke's shoulder and he growled angrily, "It's not safe here"

"Clarke will be safe here under my protection" I growled back. He glared darkly at me, a look that if he wasn't Clarke's friend would have had him pinned up for a whipping.

I watched on nervous as Clarke strode towards Bellamy and exchanged a few words. Titus called to me softly.

"Come on, Heda. We must convene the war council immediately"

Clarke looked back at us and met my eyes with a slight nod, "I'll be right there" She promised me.

I nodded and strode away from the throne, Titus quick on my heels.

 _"Send for Monroh_ " I ordered as we walked out of the room to the war room downstairs. I needed to know her involvement in Eko's betrayal. He nodded and left me to find the warrior.

Clarke walked out as I watched him go. She snagged my arm and pulled me back into the throne room. I stood calmly as she slammed the doors shut behind us and I waited for her to explode.

"Promise me this wasn't your doing" She begged.

I strode immediately back to her and looked down into her eyes. They were alight with fire. Like they had that night on the mountain.

"You have my word, it was not me" She looked doubtful so I added, "I swear on Anya's spirit. Clarke.." she looked back at me and I took her hand in mine, "It wasn't me" I whispered squeezing her fingers gently. She looked down at our hands and nodded.

"Come" I pulled a door open and pulled on her hand, "We must attend the war meeting"

She nodded and I saw her steal a brave breath before she walked tall beside me. As a leader. I strode proudly beside her.

* * *

Clarke was glaring at me, her eyes told me she was exhausted. I felt the same. We both looked back at the squabbling clan leaders and I heard her sigh loudly beside me. I knocked my hand against her side and I smirked a little at the sharp intake of breath I heard her take. I took a step forward into the centre of the shouting and turned in a full circle. The shouting died down straight away when they saw the look on my face.

"I will have no further argument over this" I told them sternly, "The Ice Nation has violated our laws. They will be punished"

"And how do you suggest we do that?" Rhoda roared up behind me, "Their army sits on your city's toes!"

They all stared up at me waiting. I glanced back at clarke and then titus. He was shaking his head at me. Waging war wasn't the answer. I returned my eyes to clarke and thought as she would. I nodded to myself.

"We invite the snake into our den" I announced and turned to look at them all, "Queen Nia will be brought here to face the charges set against her"

A new argument went up with that. Clarke looked ready to bash a few heads together. She looked up at me in silent request. I nodded and waved her forward. They silenced again under wanheda's steps. I stepped away to give her the floor.

"Starting a war is not the answer" she told them. She looked to me nervous and I nodded her on, "I've seen the Ice Nation fight. I've seen their prince. You do not want to go up against an army of them"

 _"Trust Skaikru to be so weak!_ " Rhoda harshly spat. I raised my hand to take up my knife and glowered annoyed when I remembered I wasn't wearing it. I gave him a strong glare that silenced him further and returned my eyes to clarke. She silently thanked me and continued.

"Leadership shouldn't be made through violence. That should always be a last option"

"So what would you do, Wanheda?" Luna asked her. Clarke looked over her and then raised her hand to me.

 _"As my Heda commands"_

My heart warmed at her referring to me as hers. It beat loudly in my ears and thrummed harder when she walked back towards me to stand by my side. The other clan leaders stayed quiet. Some of them nodded in agreement. The ones who didn't agree kept it to themselves. I stared at clarke, awed speechless by her subtle influence. I was starting to understand the power of wanheda. And I think she was too.

"It is late" I said tearing my eyes away from her, "We will convene in a couple days when Queen Nia is here to stand trial"

They agreed and began filtering out of the room. Kiki and Luna paused to clasp my arm before they left, both turning to nod at clarke. She turned as they left and I caught her pacing the floor quietly with her thoughts. Titus strode over to me before I could walk up to her and quickly drew me aside.

 _"You should be careful with who you take advice from, Heda"_ he began looking back at clarke, _"I do not think she-"_

"She is wanheda" I snarled back at him in warning, "Her opinion is to be valued"

He saw my threat and closed his mouth and nodded at me. Titus begged my pardon and hurried to the door with a promise to send word to the Ice queen for her summons. I nodded and followed him with more orders concerning Eko.

"Let me know as soon as the scouts come back" I ordered. He turned in the doorway and glanced over my shoulder at clarke. He looked down at me seriously.

"I hope you know what you're doing"

I watched him turn and leave. The doors closed after him. I allowed myself to breathe slowly out. I understood his concern. I was taking a considerable gamble inviting the queen to trial. Some would argue it would be easier, safer even, to wage war against her.

"I keep asking myself.." I turned back to clarke and met her eyes, "How did the Grounders know there was a self-destruct mechanism inside Mount Weather?"

She looked down at me like I knew. I looked away and strode back to her. I didn't know what to tell her. It was a concern to me too.

"We'll get the answer soon, Clarke" I assured. I met her eyes and quietly added, "Thank you for staying"

"I stayed because it was the right thing for my people" she told me strongly, angrily.

"Our people" I corrected. She strode forward, a hard edge ringing her eyes suddenly.

"If you betray me again-" I immediately spoke over her.

"I won't" I promised locking eyes with her. She looked back at me and I could see her heart weighing heavy with doubt. I struggled with how to make her believe me. She put all her people into my hands. She'd bowed her trust and loyalty to me.

 _A warrior bows to their superior..._

I kept her eyes and bent to both my knees on the ground in front of her. She stared down at me confused.

"I swear a fealty to you, Clarke from Skaikru. I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people"

My heart charged in my chest with my oath and it beat even faster when she looked down at me and saw the truth in my eyes. She held her hand out and I took it to rise. Her fingers clasped mine tightly as she looked up at me.

 _Now she knows._


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for the delay people! My house kinda caught fire and then I spent the last few days wandering around London getting lost. Hectic stuff. This is my excuse for poor writing this week but I will come back like always to fix it. I just didn't wanna leave you without an update or get left too far behind the show. Lexa's chapter will be uploaded hopefully tomorrow. Depends if im too hungover to write it friday haha!**

 **Thanks for the reviews gang! I smile like a grounder on moonshine when I read them.**

 **To the awesome rocker who suggested Lizzy Hale: Yes dude! She's amazing! Halestorm is one of my fav bands! As for my musical tastes, just watch the playlist. As a musician myself I'm a very versatile creature :P**

 **To the reviewer asking for plot lines, I did say this was a wing it write. Hence why I'm following canon. For now. I always said I may drift. Depends if the show tries to break our hearts. For now I'm happy to just bide my time and write in the gaps.**

 **For everybody else I wish I could hug ya! I love that you love the story!**

 ***New note; The chapter's been edited bc I was a drunk mofo when I posted it. Im sorry!***

 **Now Playing: Willow Tree March by The Paper Kites.**

* * *

 ** _This is the law..._**

* * *

 **Clarke.**

* * *

 _"Clarke"_

 _Bellamy looks at me. He's worried. He's concerned. He's reaching for the gun. My hand shakes as my grip loosens on it. Slowly Bellamy comes closer. He doesn't want to scare me. He's trying to help. My grip tightens suddenly. Nobody can help me._

 _I ignore his gentle eyes and push my aim around him to the boy crying and choking on the floor. One quick pull on the trigger and his pain would be over. But mine wouldn't. Mine was just starting._

 _"Clarke" His voice rings loud in my ears and I shut my eyes tight. I hear a step behind me as he says my name again and I swing around to face him._

 _Green eyes stare back at me, calm and collected. Waiting. I blink when I realise they're not Bellamy's. I look down at my fierce grip on the back of her neck and then down at the knife in my hand. I hear the boy cough for air again and look back to see him struggling on the floor. He's looking up at her, pain in his eyes. He raises his raw hand and points at her, screaming out when it hurts._

 _I feel angry then. More angry than I'd been in my entire life. She was the reason for all of this. She was to blame._

 _I start breathing fast and tighten my hold on her. She does nothing to stop me, which makes me angrier. I want her to fight!_

 _My eyes move back and slide down her face. She looks shameless. She even looks smug. There's a proud gleam in her eyes that pulls on me._

 _My attention catches on a dark stain smudging her jacket. I frown at it and follow the trail up the fabric to her skin. It turns red there and splits into thin sticky trails up._

 _I glance up at her throat and swallow heavily. Its bleeding slowly against the blade's edge. I stare at the blood. I stare at her. Why was she letting me kill her?!_

 _Lexa smiles back at me and she glances down at the boy dying by our feet. Her hand touches my fingers around the knife and she bows forward so she can rest her head against mine. It pushes the knife into her throat, sickeningly shoving it into her windpipe. She makes no sound as it enters her. She makes no effort to stop it. And Im so shocked I can only hold onto the knife as it wobbles with her breaths._

 _Her blood dribbles down over both of us and I shake terrified inside her hold as she moves her lips to my ear._

 _She whispers slowly like she's kissing me with the words. Its a promise. And a heartbreak._

 _"I'm sorry"_

* * *

"NO!"

I lurched up fast with a loud cry and trembled violently on the bed. My eyes shook around the room while I hyperventilated and searched my hands for blood. It took me a moment to realise I was okay, and that I'd only been dreaming. Like every other night. But I couldn't shake this nightmare so easily.

"Clarke?" Jes called concerned from the door. I jumped at the sound of her voice and swallowed quickly before I called back.

"I'm okay!" I rushed. I was embarrassed she'd heard me cry like that. My voice echoed through the room and I winced at how pathetic it sounded.

The door opened and the warrior quickly slid into the room. I brushed my hair out of my eyes as she approached and I cringed at the sweat sticking to my fingers. Jes crouched by the side of the bed and looked at me, the light from the candle in her hand made her hazel eyes gleam a little. She studied my face and then my position on the bed before she nodded in understanding. I fidgeted embarrassed again.

"Dreams are torture" she said standing up again. Her expression fell from gentle to serious as she straightened up and told me, "The commander wishes to see you"

I frowned back at her and peered out the window. The sun wasn't even up yet. What the hell did Lexa want with me so early?

"When?" I asked jes, hoping she would tell me sun up so I could pass out again.

She gave me a slight smile as if she knew my thoughts. She told me Lexa had ordered for my presence as soon as I woke. I moaned to myself.

 _So much for not commanding me..._

"I dont suppose you could tell her a teeny white lie and say I woke up later?" I tried with pleading eyes. I felt exhausted and needed to rest a little longer. Especially after that nightmare.

Jes gave me a stern look and I blew out a sigh and pushed the furs off my legs.

"Fine. Im coming" I yawned rising stiffly to my feet.

Jes smiled happy and turned back to the door. I grumbled to myself about annoying commanders as I dressed myself. She could have least waited for a more sensible time to call private meetings.

 _Whats so important?_ I wondered as I picked up my jacket. Lexa had all but avoided me over the past couple days. Her attention had been so locked on planning councils and war meetings that she'd hardly left her throne. And when she did it wasn't to see me. I remembered my nightmare as I tied my boots on. Maybe she was afraid to be near me? Maybe she thought I'd try to kill her again. Maybe thats why she swore her fealty to me. So I wouldn't kill her...

 _Seriously?_ my mind scoffed and I had to agree with it. Lexa wasn't one to be scared so easily. Her oath of fealty had meant something else. I knew that much.

My thoughts hazed to what today was bringing into the capital. With the Ice Queen due to arrive any moment a meeting of clans was arranged. I was an ambassador now and that meant I was expected to attend and assist in passing judgement for the attack on my people. Maybe Lexa wanted to discuss that with me.

My fingers slipped on the jacket in my hands and fell through the holes torn in the leather on the back of the left shoulder. I moved away from my thoughts and looked miserably down at the claw marks. The jacket was ruined. My last piece of life in space was broken.

Like everything else.

I slipped my arms through it and pulled it on and walked out of the room in search of jes, ignoring the way the cold air blew in through the torn leather across my shoulder blades. I found my guard waiting on the stairs. She nodded at my short stride towards her and turned to lead the way out of the tower.

I rubbed my eyes and yawned continually as we walked. I felt so tired. Jes kept throwing me amused smiles for it. I bet she'd been up all night on sentry duty. I wondered how she did it. And that made me wonder how Lexa did it too. How'd she managed to hold war meetings late into the night and then rise this early without trouble? Personally I was ready to find a tree and make a bed under it.

"She's over there" Jes whispered stopping me to point down a track by the woods.

I stared at the dark invite onto the trail and gave her an apprehensive look when I realised she meant for me to alone. I didn't much like the idea of walking around defenceless when our enemies easily walked around among us.

Jes smiled at my fear and squeezed my arm gently.

"The patrol guards will watch over you" she reassured pushing me forward a step. I nodded and thanked her before I walked on into the wood.

I stumbled more than a few times on the short walk through the wood. I couldnt see so well in the dark and the grounders had seen no reason to light the path when they could see perfectly at night. Sometimes i would hear a twig snap somewhere to the side of me and jump frightened, only to be greeted with a whisper of my name in the dark. Once I fell and the warrior on patrol watching laughed. I glared to myself every time it happened and returned to my grumbling as I pushed myself up to my feet again and on towards the open clearing ahead.

I thought about my nightmare as I walked. It had scared me how close it had come to coming reality. lexa's willingness to die for me worried me more than i cared to admit. I remembered the way the boy had pointed at her in my dream, accusing her, and her, looking uncaring back. I knew lexa did feel guilt for the mountain. Enough to take the blame off my shoulders. But still I continued to blame her and myself. I wondered how long it would take for me to forgive her and move on. How long would it take me to grant myself the same mercy.

 _It takes as long as it takes,_ whispered my thoughts.

When I finally broke out of the wood I peered around myself. I couldn't help but doubt my safety outside of the inner city. I concentrated my hearing and tried to pick up on my surroundings. I could hear a stream nearby. And I could smell pine. I looked around at the enclosed space and noticed candles had been lit and dotted around the rocks leaning out of the undergrowth.

The sounds of wood being smacked invited me further out of the wood as I walked into the open space towards the light. I turned immediately towards it, fearing a patrol guard was being attacked.

I felt my eyes widen and my jaw drop when I saw the two figures fighting by the rock.

Lexa was stood in the clearing with a young boy, fighting him with a wooden stave. She was wearing a very tight black vest that stretched snug across her torso and tucked into her pants. She was breathing heavy from her practice with the boy and even from this distance I could see her sweating a little.

 _Breathe clarke,_ my body urged when I stood there staring. I sucked in a deep breath and shook my head to clear it of her looking like that. It was highly distracting.

I strode slowly closer and watched over their training with curious eyes.

Lexa was going at the boy, arms powerfully striking him repeatedly with the stick. He defended her blows and held his ground against her, sometimes even managing to push her back a step. I was impressed. I'd seen grown men tremble before Lexa and this boy was holding his own against her like it was easy.

" _Good!"_ she called and pushed him back until he tripped into the wall of the well behind him.

I expected her to stop then but lexa carried on hitting out at him, forcing him to lean back over the waters edge for space. I stared at them, waiting for him to surrender. From her smirk I could tell she thought she'd won.

" _When do we give up?"_ She asked him, extending her arms slowly to force her stick to push his down against his own throat.

I watched him lean away a little more. His back dipped into the water but she carried on pushing him. The boy's arms were trembling. He was in pain. From holding his body that way and from her pushing on him. I wanted to pull her off. He was just a kid. But I knew Lexa well enough to know that she would back off before she pushed him too far. She wasn't being cruel. She was trying to teach him.

" _We do not, Heda_ " He puffed his answer and I watched in amazement as he pushed the two staves up off his chest and shoved her back.

Lexa nodded at him as she regained her footing and quickly went at him again. This time he battled her hard until an unseen blow to the back of his legs pulled him under her. Her boot went down over her chest and she pressed the end of her stave lightly against his throat.

 _"Always expect more than what your enemy shows"_ she told him strongly. The boy looked down at the stick leaning into him and then nodded.

Lexa let up a little then and looked up. She saw me and quickly withdrew her stave and leant a hand down to the boy. He took it and she pulled him to his feet with a praising smile.

"Go clean up" she told him clapping him on the back, "We will continue at sundown"

He nodded and handed her his stave before he ran away past me to the woods. I watched him go. He was an impressive kid. I wondered why she was training with him.

I turned to ask and found her stood directly in front of me, staring down at me with a frown. I took a startled step back and coughed a little. I had no idea why I was feeling self conscience suddenly. She was the one that looked like the poster child for gym class.

"Good morning, Clarke" she said lowly with a smirk growing under her serious expression. I swallowed and nodded at her.

"Hey" Lexa's eyes bore seriously into me and I had to look away, "You wanted to see me?"

She nodded and thankfully for me turned her attention down to the stave in her hand. She held it out to me and I nervously took it.

"You and your people have joined my coalition. It is only right that now I teach you our ways"

I frowned at the stave in my hand, "Your ways?" I repeated confused.

She nodded and span her stave in her hand. I watched her arms flex as she twirled the stick skilfully around her body. I swallowed heavily again.

"You have the spirit of a commander, Clarke. But not yet the strength"

"I get it" I said rolling my eyes at her showing off to me, "You can beat me in an arm wrestle. Happy? I said it"

Lexa's eyes flashed her amusement and she strode forward with a slight smile for my reply. She shook her head at me.

"I could beat you at many things, Clarke..." Her gaze ran down my body as she said it and I felt a warm flush spread through me under her eyes as they returned to mine, "Which is why I ask you begin training with me"

I stared at her.

She wants to train me?

 _She wants you to protect yourself_ , my head reasoned. But my heart was smirking with Lexa at me. I couldnt help but think the commander had an agenda hidden here.

"Uh, what?"

"I want to train you" she clarified striding forward with a smile I didn't fully trust. She waited for me to say something and when I couldnt she turned, "Unless Wanheda is afraid of her heda"

She was baiting me and I hated how it worked. Lexa turned with her insult and recieved my glare with an easy smile. I threw the stave to her and she caught it like she'd been waiting for that reaction from me. I started pulling off my jacket. I'd show her who's afraid.

Lexa nodded once at me as I threw the jacket down and she quickly threw the spare stave back at me. I caught it in my hands and positioned it in line with my body and pointed at the ground. Lexa's eyes never left me as she stalked closer with her own stave held up like she held her sword.

"Ready, wanheda?" she asked with a smirk.

"To kick your ass?" I returned cheekily smiling myself, "Bring it on"

 _She's going to go easy on me_ , I thought as Lexa inched a little closer to me, _No way is she going to-_

My thought got cut short with the sudden pain running up my side. I jumped on the spot and clutched a hand against my hip where she'd slapped her stave. I looked back at her angrily but she wasn't going to give me time to cry about it. She lifted her arms back and went to hit me again, this time aimed at my head. I ducked and raised my stick to meet hers. The shock of the two sticks slamming together ran down my arms and rattled my teeth. I looked up to find I'd gained myself an approving smile.

"Not bad, right?" I joked pushing against her.

Lexa's eyes twinkled a little before she slipped her hand down her stave and pulled me forward. My wrist twisted when she yanked it in her grip and I slipped forward. I fell painfully to my knees in the dirt beside her. Her stick rose to my neck and she stared down at me.

"Not good" She said hauling me up by my vest. I huffed to myself and stumbled back into position.

I was sweating a lot by the time she'd decided to call it a day. We both were. It surprised me how much stamina the commander had. To have been up all morning training with somebody else and then to carry on for hours later with me, it was impressive. But apart from the sheen on sweat clinging to her neck and shoulders she barely seemed tired.

She watched me double over panting hard and I heard her walk away to the well. I heard a splash of water and looked up at her splashing her face with it. She glanced back at me and nodded me to come join her. When I did she waved at the water for me to wash my face. I did and shivered gratefully at the cold relief it spread over my hot skin.

"You've got some skill already, Clarke" she commented watching me throw more water over my face, "But not enough to defend yourself. I would like to show you how to do that. Properly"

"Sure" She didn't answer and I realised then she was waiting for a thanks. I quickly rushed one to her. I was grateful she would help me out. She didnt need to and I definitely hadn't expected it.

Lexa remained silent. I wiped my hand down my face and looked back at her. Her eyes were shaded in the dark morning but I could see them swirling with something as she studied my face. My heart bumped uneven in my chest and I had to take a step away from her incase she could see what it was doing to me being this close to her. Lexa followed my movement back and it seemed to shake her out of her thoughts enough to walk past me.

"We need to get back" she told me stopping to bend down for my jacket, "Queen Nia's sentencing will begin soon"

I nodded and moved to walk beside her. She handed me my jacket, looking down at our hands when they brushed. The air seemed to fill electrically when she looked back at me, and for a moment I honestly thought she was going to do something. Everything in her expression said she wanted to. I wanted to. My heart fell a little when she looked away.

I took the jacket off her with a mumbled thanks and awkwardly put it on. My muscles ached from her abusive training and I was afraid the wounds on my back had opened up again. Lexa's eyes flashed to me in concern when I gasped harshly through the pain. She touched my arm to help but I shook my head at her. She stood away with my answer and walked faster towards the city. I collected a deep breath and hurried after her.

* * *

The clan leaders were talking. Mumbling incoherently to each other while they waited for lexa to take her throne. I looked around at them all. I didn't miss the way their eyes kept glancing at me. Or the way they whispered my name behind their hands. It made me edgy in my seat.

I glanced up at lexa talking with titus out on the balcony in private. I watched her eyes take in what he said and I could tell she wasnt going to work with whatever plan he was giving her. She'd go her own way. Just as she always did.

 _"You're staring"_

I blinked and looked over at Roan as he strode past with a guard. He was shoved into a spot on my right and kicked down to his knees. I met his eyes nervously. I worried he'd be angry for my failing to kill lexa. But he was smiling at me, like a nice guy. It had me concerned even more.

He looked over his right shoulder at lexa and then back at me. He bowed lowly with a smirk

"Great wanheda, commander of death" I glared at him and he straightened up, "Oh wait, we should minus the death part"

"Are you honestly wanting to talk about this here?" I asked coldly. His smile deepened and it scared me a little.

"Clarke?"

I looked up over the prince's shoulder at lexa watching me in concern. I shook my head and she glared at roan's back,

 _"As a prisoner you are not permitted to speak with clan leaders_ " She told him sternly.

He flashed me a smirk and turned back to her and bowed. Lexa's eyes followed him closely. She didnt trust him at all.

 _Neither should you_ , my mind warned.

Lexa walked over to me and rested a hand against my chair. She looked down at me, silently asking if I was okay. I nodded, warmed by her concern, and then glanced around at the other clans watching us.

"Ignore them" she told me claiming my attention again. She smiled and leant a little closer, "They fear you more than they fear me, wanheda. Use that to your advantage"

I couldn't see what she meant. They were openly talking about me in front of me. How was that fear? Still, I nodded at the commander and held my head a little higher to show that what they whispered didn't bother me. Lexa's eyes gleamed over me pleased.

"You know you will be called for claim on judgement today" I nodded remembering our conversation on our walk back earlier, "An attack on your people requires you to stand and watch her be sentenced. This will be death, Clarke" she told me watching me carefully. I knew she was worried for my conscience. But this time this one wasn't on me.

" _Blood must have blood_ " I answered in a dead voice.

Lexa nodded and took a step back, "Your people will have that blood, Clarke. I promise you"

She strode away then, back to take a seat on her throne. Roan smirked at me watching her go and it made me realise I was being to obvious with my emotions. I quickly fixed my expression and gave him another glare to shut him up. Lexa regained my attention as I looked away from him. She'd been watching me too. Her eyes thoughtful on me made me shiver but I covered it over by straightening in my seat.

 _Stop watching me,_ I silently begged feeling myself start to blush. I peaked back at her and breathed relief when I found her talking with Titus. She turned her attention to the clans after and I couldn't help but smile a little when I caught her taking a brave breath before beginning.

"Ambassadors of the Coalition," Everyone in the room turned in silence under Lexa's voice, "Today we honour our covenant. The clan that stands against one of us, stands against us all"

She twitched her hand and Titus raised his to the guards at the doors, "Bring in the accused" He ordered.

The doors opened and I like all the other clan delegates moved my eyes off lexa to watch the ice queen walk in. My eyes ran over her. She had a tall and thin figure wrapped up in leather and fur. My attention drifted over her face and focused on the white scarring standing like icey leaves on her skin. Besides those she looked...ordinary. She didn't look anything like I thought she would. Being Roan's mother I had expected a little... more.

 _This is the woman that killed Lexa's girlfriend?_ I wondered doubtfully. Maybe I'd villainized her a little too much after all the stories.

I continued to study her as she was walked forward. She held herself tall and unyielding. Proud like a queen would look. The other ambassadors looked away when she peered their way and I could tell this was a woman of immense power and fear. She scared them more than lexa could.

Her sharp eyes found me as she was walked to the centre of the room and suddenly she was everything I'd expected. Those grey eyes staring coldly at me looked very capable of mass murder. They looked capable of anything evil.

Her attention fell away from me and I breathed relieved from it. Instead she looked to her son, in disappointment and contempt. I remembered then that he'd been banished and I wondered how long it'd been since she'd last seen Roan. Judging by the look he gave her in return it'd been a while. He looked just as glad as she for the reunion. It made me think what he could have done that was so bad to have earned him banishment from his own mother.

 _Something real bad..._

The guards positioned the queen in front of the throne and shoved her to her knees at Lexa's feet. She glared up at Lexa and I felt her threatening stare roll through me too. I stared angrily at the queen. I had been willing to hear her out. But seeing her glare murder at the commander made me too angry to care much for her story. I wanted to see her punished.

Titus strode forward to address us but my eyes stayed on lexa staring calmly back at the queen.

"Queen Nia of Azgeda has confessed to the destruction of Mount Weather, resulting in the death of 49 members of Skaikru" I looked back at the queen expecting to see some form of remorse for her actions. But instead i saw her smirking up at lexa, like she was gloating, "Wanheda, what say you?"

I looked back at titus. I didn't expect to be called on so quickly.

Lexa's eyes stole mine and I glanced again at the ice queen's smirk before my anger directed me,

"Skaikru demands justice" I called loud and strong.

"Ice nation does not answer to this girl!" The queen spat turning back to me.

 _"Silence!"_ Titus barked, calling her anger off me to him again, "The punishment for your crime is death"

I saw roan look towards lexa then but she remained calm and unmoving as she kept her eyes locked with Nia's.

Titus looked down at the queen, "Do you have anything to say in your defence?"

"I need no defence" she called looking to lexa, "She does" She paused a moment before speaking louder, "Today is judgment day. I call for a vote of no confidence"

I stared at her, shocked by her outburst and confused for what it meant. Titus shook his head at the woman and waved the guards forward.

"Take this queen to meet her fate" he ordered quickly. They marched forward to grab her and still Lexa just watched the queen in silence.

 _"Not so fast"_ a thick voice rumbled. I turned my head and watched a clan delegate rise to his feet. He looked back at lexa and declared, " _Commander no more"_

Another clan member rose and repeated him. And another. I stared around at them as they rose and turned on Lexa. On the floor the ice queen was smiling.

"Take them away, too!" Titus shouted pointing at the guards to make arrests.

" _Wait!_ " lexa ordered as the guard beside the queen took hold of her arm. They stopped and obediently stood back. I stared back at her. I didn't trust that look she was giving Nia. It was the same look she'd given me when she was deciding Finn's fate.

 _What is she doing?!_

Titus immediately turned back to her "Leska, please execute these traito-"

Lexa cut him off by raising her hand. She peered down at the queen calmly "Let her make her move"

A murmur went up among the clan delegations before they each in turn rose to dismiss lexa as commander. I stayed seated. I didn't understand exactly what was going on. The clan leaders had stood loyal to lexa not two days ago and now their ambassadors were leading a mutiny against her.

"Commander, what is this?" I asked looking back to her. I frowned at her still calm expression.

 _How is she being so cool about this?!_

"This is a coup" she replied, anger slipping into her smooth tone.

"This is the law" the queen announced rising and turning to explain it to me, "Her law... A unanimous vote of the ambassadors or death are all that can remove a commander from power"

Her smile returned to lexa then and I glanced between the two women in silent fear. I realised now what was happening. Nia was avoiding war by buying off the other clan's into voting lexa out of power. That was why she'd come so willingly to the city. She'd planned this to happen. She'd known they would follow her.

 _But not Skaikru,_ I realised looking up at the queen.

"It's not unanimous" I threw back at her angrily.

"We don't recognise the legitimacy of Skaikru" She spat back looking down at me in disgust.

"We do" She turned back to titus. He raised his hand to me and told her strongly, "Yesterday Skaikru took the brand. They are the 13th Clan"

Her eyes peered over to me briefly but she didnt look at all disapointed. Titus grew angrier with her smile for him,

"This vote of no confidence fails!" He announced to the room, "All these coup plotters will suffer the exact same fate as the Ice Queen!"

The clansmen shifted nervously and I could tell watching them that they feared his threat. Nia was staring back at lexa. She smiled sensing the clansmen shifting alliegence back to lexa and boldy lifted her head.

"She won't take our heads because she knows our armies will retaliate" I set my eyes angrily on her when she turned in a circle to the clans, "None of us here wants war" she told them innocently.

 _Except you do_ , I thought glaring at her. I wasn't buying this innocent act of selfless concern for everybody.

And neither was Lexa.

"We both know what you want, Nia"

Lexa stood and I could see all her calmly locked anger slowly slip out as she strode forward. She stopped in front of the ice queen and met her gaze with a hateful one,

"If you think me unfit to command, issue the challenge and let's get on with it"

 _What challenge?!_ I watched on confused as they faced off to one another. Nia's smile grew and I could tell this was what she'd wanted all along. This challenge was her intention all along. And Lexa had known that and still played into it.

 _Because she had no other choice,_ my heart sank as I realised finally the sort of decisions lexa had to make. This was just like the mountain. She had no choice.

"Very well" Nia smirked, "You are challenged"

"And I accept your challenge" Lexa answered straight away. I took a scared breath in when I saw Titus look immediately back at lexa. He'd paled a little and was looking at her in fear. But not because of her. For her.

I didn't like this.

"So be it" he called defeated, " _Single combat._ Warrior against warrior" I felt my heart rise sickeningly when he faltered over his next words, "To the death"

He turned to the ice queen, "Queen Nia of Azgeda, who do you choose to be your champion?"

"My son Roan, Prince of Azgeda"

I looked back at Roan with her announcement. He tipped his head towards his mother and sent her a measured look. She smiled expectantly back at him with eyes that dared him to speak against her. I hoped he would. I hoped he'd side with lexa despite her betrayal against him. Because even he had to know lexa was better than his mom.

When he remained quiet I knew he wouldn't.

 _Why is lexa looking at him like that?_

She'd turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. She fixed him with a calculating look, as if thinking hard over him fighting for his mother. My heart shook inside me when I realised she was sizing him up. I knew her enough to know she wouldn't condemn one of her warriors to fight him. And she was far too proud to entertain the idea. She glanced back at me with heavy eyes and I shook my head at her pleading. She didn't know how well he could fight. She wouldn't stand a chance.

 _Don't,_ my heart screamed at her.

Lexa turned away and looked up at her guard as she strode back to sit on her throne. He lifted his chin and gave her a slight nod to say he would fight for her. He turned back to the clans when she ignored him and sat down on her throne.

"Heda, who will fight for you?" titus asked her despite knowing she wouldn't choose somebody. I dug my nails into my palms to stop myself calling out to her. She would make this decision and stand by it.

 _And die by it,_ I winced. I held my breath and waited.

Lexa's attention burned heavy on Nia and I could see her quickly losing patience inside her anger. She glared down at the queen and the power of it had me shaking.

" _I am the commander_ " Lexa snarled viciously, _"Nobody fights for me"_

Nia grinned with Lexas answer. Roan looked a little nervous. Maybe he thought Lexa could beat him.

"It is decided" Titus declared in a miserable voice, "At sun high today, a duel to the death"

I felt my head fall in shock. So soon.

The ambassadors called in agreement and began shuffling out of the room. I rose quickly to my feet and hurried to Lexas side. She was still seated, eyes set darkly on Queen Nia as the guards pulled her away. I stopped briefly by roan and accepted his pitying look for me with a deep glare.

"Heda, I plea you withdraw your decision" I moved to stand beside Titus and nodded in agreement, "We cannot afford for you to-"

" _Quiet"_ she ordered standing up. He backed away and she turned to me, "We need to talk.."

Her eyes drifted back to Titus and her guards,

"Leave us" she commanded. They bowed and quickly left.

I waited for them to close the doors on us before I turned and shoved her back a step. She didn't stumble like I wanted her to. She'd been expecting me to lash out at her.

"Are you insane?!" I cried at her, "Don't you see you're giving her exactly what she wants?"

Lexa ignored me and strode past me. I grabbed her arm and made her look at me.

"You are putting all our lives at risk, me and my people, for the sake of your damned pride"

She gently pulled my hand down, "If my champion lost I would not be commander"

"But you could live to fight back for it" I argued.

Lexa shook her head at me, "Nia would have my head the moment her son claimed my champion's. I am too much of a threat to leave alive" I stared at her, how could she be so calm about all of this? I felt like screaming. Lexa's eyes softened and she touched my shoulder, "It will be fine, Clarke. Don't worry"

I laughed, "You could die today. Everything I've done to protect my people will have been for nothing!"

"Clearly you underestimate me" she said coolly. I glared at her and walked to stand right in front of her.

"You can throw this tough guy bullshit in my face all you want" I told her walking after her when she stepped back, "But you can't hide from me" she hit the wall and her eyes locking onto mine told me she remembered this from before. I shook the memory away and focused all my anger into getting her to see I wasn't going to brush this off as nothing, "I know you, Lexa. And I am not going to let you go kill yourself over the sake of pride. Your people need you" I stared back at her processing my words before I added softer, "I need you"

She leant forward then to speak but I turned and walked quickly out of the room. I heard her call after me but I was far too angry to care for her promises right now. The guards each gave me annoyed expressions when I shoved the doors open on them but I didnt care. I turned to the corridor and walked down it to where Titus was pacing frantically.

"Talk her out of it" I told him strongly. He looked back at me with a stoney expression. Maybe my order had offended him.

"I am fleimpeka. It is my duty to follow as my commander orders. As ambassador to the 13th clan, it is your duty also"

He pushed past me and walked back into the throne room. I held my shoulder and glared at his back. I got the heavy feeling that guy didn't like me.

"Clarke?" I glanced back behind me at Jes. She was stood waiting for me as promised but her eyes were heavy with concern. I turned and walked over to her. She looked down at me worried, "Are you alright?" She asked touching my shoulder.

I shrugged and began walking to the stairs. I needed to find somewhere to think. She followed me.

"Explain to me what happens when a commander's rule is challenged by her ambassadors" I said keeping my eyes to the stairs as we rushed down then. I caught Jes' head snap back to me and she stopped me with a strong look.

"Is that what happened?" I nodded and she cursed under her breath, "She will be challenged to fight for her position as commander"

"And if she loses?"

"The victor will become the commanding regent until the commanders spirit is known again"

"So Nia will rule until the new commander is found?" Jes nodded and I shook my head, "She'll kill the next commander too. Can't the clans see that?"

Jes's eyes were swimming with silent fear but she lifted her chin with a strong look for me, "Our Heda is strong, Clarke. She was chosen by the gods. Only they will throw her down"

I looked into her eyes and frowned, "And what happens when Lexa dies today?"

Jes's expression wavered a little with uncertainty. She gripped her sword and gave me a strong look.

"Then her spirit will find the next commander"

I walked away. I felt so frustrated. It felt as if every grounder would think the same way. Would accept Lexa's fate. None would stand up against it because of beliefs. Only me. And as a stranger and outsider my view wasn't valued by anybody.

I stomped down the stairs thinking furiously of a way to stop this. Because no way could I endanger my people by losing Lexa to the ice nation.

 _Is that the only reason for saving Lexa?_ My heart pried. I felt my glare deepen at the ground in response to it.

 _Yes_ , I thought angrily, _it is._

 _Liar,_ it beat back.

I threw aside thoughts of Lexa and instead focuses my mind on how to stop this fight. I couldn't help but think maybe there was no way. Even if Lexa won the ice nation would find another way to make war. They wouldn't stop until they had complete control.

 _So gain that control first!_ My mind barked.

I stopped walking when I realised what I had to do.

"Jes" I called knowing she wasn't far behind me. I heard her step up behind me and felt her eyes on me as she waited. I looked ahead at the city, "Where is prince roan being kept?" I asked.

"The cells below" she answered slowly, "I saw our men escort him and queen nia to the ground earlier"

"Is he allowed free before the fight?" I asked remembering how he'd been allowed to walk about before. I looked back at Jes' silence and met her curious gaze with an innocent look. She nodded once and I felt a little hope hit me.

"He is allowed time to prepare for the challenge," she informed slowly, "Same as the commander"

I nodded, "And his mother?"

"She is still a prisoner. She will be held under guard until the fight"

I nodded again and moved to take the next flight of stairs. My name was called before I could and I turned with the warrior towards the newcomer.

"Hadrian" Jes nodded in greeting. He gave her a nod and turned to fix me with a hard look. I looked up into his eyes and realised he was the guard from the meeting.

" _Heda wishes to speak with you_ " he told me. I gave a last look to Jes and followed him back up the stairs.

I wondered what Lexa wanted. What she would tell me. Would she say she'd spoken to Titus and they'd agreed her fighting was lunacy? Maybe she was going to give me orders to leave and prepare my people for her death. I didn't know. And not knowing made me even more nervous.

I strode up to the throne room doors and Hadrian opened them for me. I walked in and looked in confusion at Lexa sat with a group of children.

" _What is the three pillars of being a good commander?_ " She was asking them. I almost couldn't believe she was giving them a lesson on being a leader when she should be preparing to fight. I walked over to stand beside Titus and watched Lexa interact with the children.

"Talked her out of it yet?" I asked watching her smile at them.

"No" he sighed and looked back at me skeptically, "But maybe you can"

 _Been there,_ I sighed looking over at the commander again.

"I don't get it" I told him, "The queen isn't fighting. Why should she?"

"Why should she? The queen's strength isn't being questioned. Thanks to you heda's is"

 _He seriously doesn't like me._

I took his cold look and let his words sink in. He was right. Because Lexa chose to protect me instead of killing me the entire coalition thought her weak.

If she'd killed me she wouldn't be fighting to the death.

"Nightbloods" Titus' voice boomed through my thoughts and I looked up as the children formed a line. Lexa met my eyes and rose to her feet as the kids were lead out.

"Aden, stay" she called and the last boy in line stopped.

I looked over and recognised him as the one she'd been training this morning. I cast him a curious look and strode closer to them. He obediently left the line and stood back with his short sword gripped tight in his hand. Lexa walked up to him with a smile for me. The doors behind me closed and Lexa looked back at the boy.

"Clarke, this is Aden. Aden is the most promising of my novitiates. If I should die today, he will likely succeed me" I stared at her and she smiled back at the boy, "Clarke worries about our people. Tell her what will happen to them when you become Heda, Aden"

"If I become Heda," he began with a slight hitch to his voice and looked up at me, "I pledge my loyalty to the 13th Clan"

Lexa's eyes held mine like she'd just given me a gift. I simply stared back. I didnt understand her. How could she believe this would make things right?

"Thank you" she told him, "Now go join the others" he bowed to her and walked out of the room. I watched him go and then turned to her smile, "See?" she said, "Nothing to worry about"

I stared at her.

"I'm sorry if I'm worried the fate of my people lies in the hands of a child"

Lexa waved away my doubt with a calm look for me.

"Then you worry for nothing. I've sent Indra to raise an army from the villages near Arkadia" she turned her back and walked back up the dais to her throne, "Your people are protected, as I vowed they would be"

"This is not just about my people" I snapped and hesitated telling her about my personal concerns. Instead told her a warning, "You don't stand a chance against Roan"

Lexa's eyes darkened and I realised how I'd just insulted her

"You've never seen me fight" she snarled slowly.

"No, but I saw him kill 3 men in the time it took the first one to hit the ground"

I watched her eyes weigh heavy with hesitation at my words before she cast me a calm look.

"If you're right, today's the day my spirit will choose its successor, and you need to accept that"

I was fed up with hearing that. I knew she wasn't buying this gift of god bullshit either. Lexa was just as scared as I was for what would happen tomorrow if she died today. And to hide that she was trying to order me to stop worrying. Because getting me to accept it was the only way she could accept it herself. And that pissed me off. A lot.

I took a step forward and fixed my heda with an angry look. I bent my head a little as if I was going to share a secret with her and it surprised me how I had enough restraint above my rising emotions to speak level with her.

"Like hell I do"

I turned my back on her then and stormed out. The flash of commander rage in her eyes when I'd refused her command had done little to scare me but more than enough to motivate me into doing something about it. I would find a way to get her out of this. Because she had to see it wasn't only her head at risk here. It was all of ours.

I marched down the stairs of the tower, moving fast and determined as I reviewed lexa's reassurance in my head. I couldn't believe she would willingly leave her problems to a child. I couldn't believe she could willingly accept she could die and not care about it. It was brave at the same time it was stupid.

 _I can't let her throw everything away like that!_ I growled angrily to myself as I rushed down the last set of stairs to the ground.

The guards at the main entrance gave me directions to the arena where the fight would take place and I walked there quickly knowing I would find roan.

He could be talked around. I knew that because I knew what he wanted most. He wanted to return to his people. Dying in a fight against lexa would not get him that. And I knew he knew that from the nervous glance he'd given the commander when she'd announced herself as champion. Right now Roan would be thinking of ways out of this as well.

I thought desperately as I weaved my way through the busy market. If he refused to kill Lexa his mother would have to choose another champion. And Lexa could stand a chance at winning against them.

What if the queen refuses to choose another?

What if Lexa doesn't win?

I frowned down at my boots and stopped suddenly when I thought.

 _What if Nia died?_

Roan would become king. He would go home. And in helping him gain all that he would be in debt to me.

My heart picked up its pace in hope as I renewed my rush to the arena.

I could stop this war.

I could stop Lexa from dying today.

I weaved in and out of more chattering people as I neared the arena. Many of them were speaking of the fight. Many claimed to have bets against their heda. It made me angry. After everything lexa had sacrificed and done for them they all seemed immediately happy to turn on her.

" _I think wanheda will have a hand_ " I heard one man say as I edged around him. I stood still and watched him curiously. He was smiling at his friends and excitedly added, " _I bet my best sword she will deliver the final blow to heda's neck!"_

I drew back sickened. I wanted to tell him that would never happen. I was loyal to lexa. I would never help in killing her.

My nightmare returned to me in the moments it took them to laugh and I shivered. I would not do that.

I was turning to go when I heard the man's friend reply.

 _"I think wanheda will fight for the ice queen and kill heda herself. Her blood is owed commander blood"_

I bit my tongue but couldn't help from striding forward to put them down. I wouldn't have rumours of my killing lexa circulated. I had enough concern for my safety here in the capital without adding mistrust from lexa on top of it.

" _Heda will win this fight"_ I announced pausing behind them.

They turned and stared when they saw me standing there glaring at them. They immediately bowed and I strode forward to be boot to boot with the first speaker. He was taller than me but that didn't stop him from looking scared. I gave him a mean look and felt a lot of satisfaction in seeing him swallow his nerves.

"And when she does," I continued calmly, "It will not be by wanheda's strength. But her own. I'll have no hand in taking heads, unless they belong to those foolish enough to turn on their commander " I paused to let it sink in before I added nicely, "Are we clear?"

"Yes, wanheda" they bowed and nodded. I held in my smile at their fear and turned away. I was smirking a little as i pulled my hood up and continued my way through the crowd. That had felt good. Seriously good. And worse i didnt feel bad at all for threatening them.

I walked around the last stalls of traders selling cloth and edged through the shadow of the arena to hide beside an empty cart. My target was stood speaking with his mother as the guards unchained his wrists. I watched Nia speak with her son and I could see there was no love between them. She was simply a queen and he was simply another servant to bend under her.

 _He'll go for this deal_. I was counting on it.

"When you kill Lexa, your banishment will be over" I heard Nia say as I crept closer, "In the wake of your victory, our people will be more powerful than ever. That will be your legacy and your legend"

I scoffed to myself. He would be free to go home but hunted by everyone loyal to lexa. Even with nia controlling everybody there was be those willing to fight in lexa's name. Like Indra. And Titus.

 _And me._

"Don't pretend you do anything for me, Mother" he spat back at her angrily. Nia gave her son a cold look.

"You're right. Everything I do is for Azgeda. What's good for Azgeda is good for you"

"Somebody get this woman the mother of the year award" I mumbled frowning to myself at her. How could she do it? Willingly lose her son to her enemy's sword? I couldn't help but wonder if Nia had a high view of her son's skill, or a wish to be rid of him for good.

She turned to the guard and accepted the sheathed sword off him. She held it in her chained hands and presented it to her son. He looked down at her before he pulled it out of the sheath and studied it. She took a step closer and I strained my hearing to catch her speech.

"If you won't fight for your mother or your queen, fight for your clan. I want her head"

I shivered at the look of murder in her eyes. They promised the prince death if he failed her. Which made me believe she cared very little for her son.

I turned my head as the queen was lead away. Roan began swinging the sword around himself, moving to practise harsh slashes through the air. I swallowed against the images in my mind of one of those slashes tearing through lexa's body. He moved back with each swing, coming closer to where I stood.

I stepped out from behind the crates and he turned suddenly with the sword pointed at my face. I remained still and breathed calmly out. We'd already played this game. He wouldn't kill me.

"Is that death I hear stalking me," he growled and i pulled the hood off my head, "Or just the Commander of Death?" he added softer.

I looked calmly back at him, "We need to talk"

"We have nothing to talk about. I need to prepare"

He turned and began his sword swings again. I took a step after him.

"I know you had nothing to do with Mount Weather" I began trying to piece up a little trust between us, "That's why I didn't tell Lexa you gave me the knife" He continued to ignore me to so I added coldly, "This is what your mother wanted all along"

He turned back to me, "What do you want? Spit it out"

"I want you to become the king" He stared back at me and i could see him think about it, "I know you've thought of it" I soothed watching him look away with his thoughts. I decided to help him make up his mind, "She was willing to let you die, willing to let you be banished. I know you just want to go home"

"When I win today, I will"

I frowned at his back as he turned away and I followed him. I didn't believe he trusted that. I knew he would go back and face this all over again another day because Nia would be alive to make that happen.

"For how long?" I argued gaining his attention again. "How long until your mother finds another reason to cast you out, to sacrifice you?" He seemed to be coming around. i could see it in his eyes. He knew what I said was true, "No one can cast a king out of his kingdom"

Roan turned back to me shaking his head, "I can't do it. My people would never take me back"

I saw his struggle then. And I saw his argument. He held no love for his mother but to kill her would make him a public enemy among his own kind. Even more than now. I realised the pressure I was putting on him and decided to let it go. I would have to find another way. I turned with a sigh for his cowardice and my failure.

"But…" I stopped and looked back at him. He was smirking at me with a changed glint in his eyes, "I can help you do it"

"How?"

Roan smiled and leant away to swing the sword again. His eyes drifted back to mine as he acted out beheading an invisible foe. I scoffed at him.

"i think beheading is a little obvious" I told him turning to leave again. He wasn't serious about helping me. He was mocking my intentions.

Roan grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him. He cast a look around us before he bent his head to speak lowly in my ear.

"Some deals are made in blood" he told me and I looked back at him confused. He smirked again, "I hear the blood of wanheda is very potent. Especially to her enemies"

I searched his eyes as he waited patiently for me to understand. I stood back and lifted my chin to him.

"Poison" He nodded at me, "How do I get my hands on that?"

"Leave that to me" He grinned and turned back to his practicing. I noted now that he put less force into his swings, as if he wasn't trying. It made me dare to hope this would work.

I walked away thinking hard again about how to do this without implicating lexa.

 _Nia wants your vote_ , my mind reminded. If I changed my vote she would see it as winning easy. Her power would double gaining the support of wanheda and she could cast lexa out. That gained me an audience at least. But the poison would be the hard part. Roan told me deals were made in blood. But what if she didn't go for it?

My heart banged nervously in my chest. It was making me feel sick. All this stress wasnt something I was used to anymore. I felt weak for letting it scare me.

I wandered the city for a while trying to piece together a plan that might work. I told myself to trust Roan to help me. Told myself he would do this because it saved him dying and it got him back to his people. As a man with no other choice he would work a deal with me. Just as he wanted to before when he offered me the knife to take lexa's life. I could trust him. I had to.

I walked up the market and spotted the stables ahead of me. I smiled seeing lexa's horse waiting for me and quickly stopped at a stall to trade for a few apples. I nodded at the trader, glad he could speak english, and promised to find him a rabbit for his dinner later. I tucked the apples into my pockets and strode over to the horse.

Straight away he moved to the fence to greet me, nose bumping my arm for attention. I chuckled and stroked his head as I brought an apple out of my jacket. His ears twitched and he quickly stole the fruit from me.

"Just like her, huh" I smiled patting his neck when he nudged me for more.

"Some would say too much"

I span my head round and immediately stood back from the horse as Lexa strode forward. Her eyes took us in and I saw the beginnings of a smile creep into her expression as she stopped beside me. Her shoulder brushed mine a little as she raised her arm to stroke the horse.

"He's beautiful" i told her staring at her smile as she allowed the horse to press his head to hers. Lexa glanced back at me with my compliment and nodded.

"Would you like to ride?" she asked keeping her eyes on the horse as she waited for my reply. I swallowed and shook my head. I could not and would not pretend everything was okay.

"I am.. honoured, heda" She looked back at me with my formality and i saw the happy spark leave her eyes, "But I must hunt to pay for these" I held the rest of the apples up to the horse who greedily accepted them, "And you must prepare for your fight. Excuse me"

I made to move around her but lexa grabbed my arm and turned with me. She stared deeply down at me with a slight frown.

"These things happen, clarke. We do not control them"

I nodded, "But we choose whether or not we let them kill us" I threw back. Lexa's eyes moved off me and I brushed her hand down.

I glanced over her shoulder and met the eyes of a grounder watching us under his hood by the stable wall. He made sure to catch my eye before he left the wall and walked through the market stalls. I remembered roan's promise and looked back at lexa. She was watching me carefully with a slight frown that said she was thinking hard about something. And something to do with her feelings. She touched my sleeve and I looked down at her fingers glancing my hand before I returned my eyes to hers.

"If I die today-" I shook my head at her. I didn't want to hear anymore inspiring bullshit about her spirit. I had to go fix this mess for her.

"Just don't" I told her angrily. I patted the horse a last time and walked away. Lexa didn't call after me like I expected. Just let me go. Maybe I'd pissed her off too. I didn't care.

I hurried down the street to where I'd seen the grounder disappear and quickly followed in his steps with a look around myself for lexa or her guards. The grounder was waiting for me by the bathing tents. I slowed my approach and worried for a second about my safety. He turned to me and lifted his hood. His eyes stared me down while his mouth was pursed thin. I could tell he didn't like me. Looking at his scarred face I could say the feeling was mutual.

" _You have something for me?"_ I said stopping a few feet away.

The grounder glared a little and lifted his jacket aside to reveal his belt. I shook a little seeing his fingers glance the long knife tucked inside it. He reached for the back of the belt and untucked a little vial. He strode forward and handed it to me. Then without a word he walked away.

I watched him go and looked down at the clear liquid swishing in the vial in my hand.

 _Now_ , I thought turning to the tower, _I kill Nia._

* * *

My heart was beating nervously in my chest as I strode towards the guarded room. I couldnt calm it down because it knew if i failed this i was fucked.

"Halt!" the guard growled drawing his sword. I lifted my chin and calmly looked back at him. I hid my surprise at the scarring over his right eye. Why would lexa let a prisoner be guarded by her own people?

"What do you want?" His partner questioned calling my attention back.

"To talk politics with the queen"

"Says who?" the first guard snapped. I strode forward and smiled.

"Wanheda"

They exchanged a brief look and i swore i saw a little fear in their eyes as they opened the door for me. I strode past them into the dark room. The queen was sat at a table enjoying her breakfast. I eyed the food. Even lexa never asked for a spread this fine. It made me hate nia even more for lording her position over others.

She looked up on my entrance and blinked surprised.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?"

I strode forward into the room, one hand clasped over the other to hide the dark patch on my sleeve where the poison was soaked. Nia's eyes followed me intently and mistrusting. A knife was held tight in her hand but I wasn't afraid. Just a little hesitant.

The door closed and I glanced into the corner of the room to the girl walking back to it from the table. My mind said she was a simple handmaid. But i didnt trust that strong gleam in her eyes as she watched me walk around the corner of the table towards her queen.

I turned back to Nia and met her gaze with an even stronger one.

"What if I changed my vote?"

I'd thought long and hard about how to distract Nia long enough to administer the poison. I believed she would fall for a change of mind. Many believed I was weak like that. Her own son had fallen for it and nearly died because of it after all.

"Now you're thinking like a leader of your people" She praised leaning back in her seat. I disregarded her praise and strode forward. I would need to be closer for this.

"I would need some assurances first" I warned stopping by the edge of the table. Behind me I heard the girl shift a little. I tensed my back just in case and kept my eyes locked on the queen.

"Skaikru will be safe" she reassured with a smile. I narrowed my eyes at her. I wasn't believing her for a second.

"And me?"

"My quarrel is with Lexa" she spat lexa's name and stabbed her knife into the table with a cold look up at me, "Not you. Once she's gone, I won't need the power of Wanheda"

 _Like hell._

I knew I would be the next on her kill order once lexa was gone.

"Ok" I agreed and she looked suspiciously back at me.

"Ok"?" she repeated and narrowed her eyes at me, "You don't want vengeance for the dead at Mount Weather?"

I held my anger in check and walked closer. I leaned forward and grabbed the knife, "My priority is with the living, not the dead"

Her eyes were trained on the knife and I thought about how easy it would be to stab her with it right now. I tightened my grip on the blade instead. This would need to look like i had no part in her death. Unfortunately for the handmaid, this would be blamed on her.

I locked eyes with the queen, _"We bind ourselves in blood"_ I told her raising the knife and pressing it against my palm.

I clenched my jaw to the pain and let out a slight gasp. I watched my blood run down the fold of my palm as I squeezed it shut and wiped the blade over the poison on my sleeve. Nia was watching me with impressed eyes.

"I see you've learned our oath"

I ignored the praise in her voice and moved on, stabbing the knife angrily into the table in front of her "Do you accept?"

The queen rose and matched my daring look with an even colder stronger one. She took up the knife and raised it to her palm. I felt my nerves highten in anticipation as she pressed it lightly against her palm.

 _"We bind ourselves in blood"_ she agreed looking down at her hand.

 _"Wait!"_

The girl cried and moved to stop Nia from cutting herself. I heard her step behind me to attack and quickly swung my elbow back to knock her away. She grabbed my arm and moved a hand to my waist to lift and then slam me into the table. Her arm braced across my throat to stop me getting up and lifted my other arm to her face. She sniffed it and looked back at her startled queen before she glared murderously down at me.

 _"Poison"_

I glanced back scared at Nia and swallowed at the matching murder in her eyes too. She started wiping the knife on a cloth from the table, tilting her head to look down at me in anger.

"We could've been allies, Clarke. Instead, I declare you and your people enemies of Azgeda"

I swallowed again.

 _Idiot!_

"Ontari, hold out your hand" I watched as the girl gave Nia her palm. She looked nervous as the blade came down against it but she took the pain easily.

"I'm letting you live for now to send a message to Lexa"

Nia cupped her hand across Ontari's and squeezed it above my head. I stared shocked and moved my face as the blood dripped down over it. I closed my eyes and squirmed a little to avoid the warm liquid hitting my cheek and nose.

Nia growled above me, "I have my own Natblida... and she will be the next Commander"

The dripping stopped then and I opened my eyes to stare up at the queen. She was grinning evilly back. She nodded at the girl and I was hauled to my feet. I wiped my face and stared at the black smudging my fingertips. I stared back at the girl and her bleeding hand. How was her blood that colour?

"Go on" Nia barked at me, "Go running back to your precious commander"

I glanced at the knife in her hand and gave a last look to Ontari before I strode quickly out of the room. My heart was running miles inside my chest as I walked quickly away from the queen's room towards the stairs. I stopped there and clutched the bannister tight as I closed my eyes and tried to breathe normally.

That had been close.

 _So damn close!_

Now lexa would definitely die. If not by Roan's hand then by somebody else working for the queen. Just to send a message to me.

I was such an idiot.

I gritted my teeth and forced my mind to fall blank as images of lexa dying crept to the forefront of it. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know how to save her. I'd ruined her only chance at getting out of this.

I turned and sank to the floor. I knocked my head back against the railing and drew in a sharp breath to keep me from breaking into a sob. I needed lexa to live. My people needed her.

 _And you do_ , my heart told me gently.

"Clarke?"

I looked up at her familiar voice and stared in surprise when I raised my eyes and met the concern in Monroe's green ones as she knelt beside me and rested a hand on my knee. I frowned at her. I hadn't seen her since the mountain when she'd apologised before turning away with lexa's army. She was a grounder now?

"Are you okay?" her eyes drifted slowly over my face and she raised a hand to touch the blood on my cheek. She rubbed it against her thumb and frowned down at it.

"Tell me this is ink" she asked meeting my eyes again. I shook my head and stumbled up to my feet.

She rose too and gave me a hard frown.

"What's going on?" she demanded gripping her sword tight. I was going to tell her. I was going to warn her that our people were in danger. But a furious call down the stairs stopped me.

"Monroe!" We both turned to jess walking down the stairs. She gave monroe a hard look, " _You have obviously learned nothing from being a second with Echo._ If the commander tells you to be my second then thats-"

She stopped when she saw my face and like Mornoe reached over to swipe her finger through the stain on my skin. But unlike Monroe Jes knew exactly what it was.

"Whose blood is this?" she demanded. I told her and watched her expression turn from serious to super serious.

"The commander must know of this!" she started up the stairs and I hesitated before following. Monroe hopped up beside me and I glanced at her glare for jes' back.

"New warrior, huh?" I asked rushing with her after jes. Monroe frowned at the stairs and nodded at me.

"Im sorry about echo" I told her. She shook her head at me.

"Im the one whose sorry. I should have known what she was planning" Her eyes glared harder at the floor and I knew she was blaming herself for Mount Weather.

"How could you?" I returned with a gentle smile for her. She didnt smile back, just pushed on faster to avoid speaking with me. I sighed and focused on following.

We followed jes all the way to the top of the tower. She rushed in her haste to speak with her heda and I could see the tension rolling off her in waves. This blood meant something. And something seriously bad. I just didn't know what.

" _Jes"_ Hadrian greeted at the door to the throne room. He moved his spear across it to block her path, " _Titus ordered no interruptions"_

I heard jes speak with him but I wasn't waiting for permission this time. I edged around her arguing with him to be allowed in and pushed his spear up. He shouted after me as I shoved my way into the throne room and made to grab me.

Lexa and titus looked up from their talks and both gave me a questioning look. A look that turned to immediate horror on lexa's part the moment she saw my face. She leapt up and rushed to me, hands reaching out to cup my face. Hadrian let go of my arm then and returned to his post with a sharp look at me. Lexa ignored him and the other warriors. Her eyes rushed over me for wounds and she looked back at me confused when she noticed the colour of the blood.

"Explain this" she begged holding my face gently in her hands. I touched her wrists and pulled them down with a shaky breath before I told her.

She walked away with a thoughtful look as I spoke. Titus had walked over during my explanation and was staring at the black blood staining my face. He turned to her.

"A Commander from the Ice Nation?" Titus seemed shocked. Lexa, not so much.

"Now all of Nia's provocations make sense, and we played right into it. She knew you would accept her challenge"

"I've never seen blood that color before" I said walking up to them. Lexa glanced back at it colouring my face.

"It goes back to the first Commander. When a nightblood child is found, they're brought here to be trained, or supposed to be" I frowned. Now I understood why they were called nightbloods. I studied lexa and wondered if she was the same. Clearly having it linked them to the commanders.

"You legacy is no longer secure" Titus muttered turning to lexa, "There is still time to choose a champion"

Lexa walked away with a growl, "You know I can't do that"

"Heda" He pleaded.

"Leave us!" she snarled with a wave to everyone in the room. I let them go before I turned back to her.

"Titus is right. You're giving her exactly what she wants"

"Only if I lose" she growled and I could tell she was tired of hearing my doubt in her strength. I looked away frustrated and she calmly met my eyes again, "I know you're just trying to help, Clarke, but there's nothing you can do here"

"I can't just let Roan kill you!" I burst angrily moving to meet her pacing. She fixed me with a hard stare and her voice rose with her comeback.

"If that is to be my fate, you must" she paused a moment and breathed before she continued, "You're driven to fix everything for everyone, but you can't fix this. I have to do this on my own, and you have to let me"

I shook my head at her. I wouldn't accept that.

"I won't just sit there and watch you die"

Lexa's expression changed with my hard look and she seemed to hesitate her words.

"Heda..."

I tilted my head behind me to where titus had reentered the room. I turned when he paused to give him an annoyed look for interrupting us. He was looking at her sadly and I felt my heart drop.

" _Its time"_ he said gently.

"Then this is good-bye"

I turned back to her and found her watching me with eyes running all over my face. Like she might not see me again. I shook my head, begging her to stay with me. To not go kill herself over this.

"For now" she reassured quietly.

In my head I heard her say what her eyes were telling me.

 _May we meet again..._


	12. Chapter 12

**Lesson one in getting drunk in london guys: dont get drunk in london. That said I apologise for the crap last update, I was p-ah-retty tipsy when I posted it. I've read it back the next day and it had me cringing inside my hangover. So it has been fixed. Also on the notice board today, did you guys see the titanic level clexa cuteness in the new episode teaser? Like aaaaah! :D**

 _ **Oh yeah, reviews:**_

 _ **To Sailor Sayuri: I was having a shit day and was struggling to write this chapter when I got your review. I'm happy to report it got me smiling while I kicked the shizz out of my writers block. I tip my invisible hat to you :)**_

 _ **Deeshdeesh: I'm working on it! Look for the next update!**_

 _ **Jedi Caro: Cliffy is how I do :P**_

 _ **Jeno85: I hope the wait wasn't too long!**_

 _ **xxDark Angel Babyxx: I had to watch lexa's fighting sooooo many times for this write up and I agree. It is amazing!**_

 ** _And the random guest : Aaaaaaaaaaaand, here you go!_ **

**Now this update is a little different. I'm kinda sick of entire episode stuff in sequence. It's far too boring to write. So I'm trying something new. Italics mean a past memory/flashback, normal writing is present time. I'm sorry if it loses you!**

 **Everyday I'm shuffling; May We Meet Again by Jamie Brown (Soundcloud it people! It's an original Clexa song by a fan!)**

* * *

 ** _Revenge isn't justice…_**

* * *

 **Lexa.**

 _"Heda! Heda! Heda!"_

The chants grew louder around me. They echoed across the small space of ground meant to be an arena. Voices of the young and the old. I look around at their excited faces crowding around me. Many were the common folk of Polis who had come to see with their own eyes if the legends from the wars were true. Others were warriors standing guard to show their loyalty to me. I had a heavy heart seeing their excited smiles. All my people were eager to see their commander fight.

All but one.

 _Clarke,_ my heart pined miserably as I cast a brief look about, hoping vainly to see her in the crowd. But she wouldn't be. She'd made it very clear she would not watch this. And I didn't blame her.

I stared down at the ground as the clan ambassadors took their seats on the stage. My eyes pick out trails in the dirt dusting the ground. I tell myself I'm not afraid. I was chosen to be commander. It was my birthright. Protecting that simply came with the territory. But I was anxious regardless. I was told I would die, and that my spirit was weakened. The first prophecy had declared it, and the second had confirmed it. Even the high priestess had been scared by my fate. If today was the day it all fell into place...

I was not ready.

I had come to terms with my death long ago but now I had something to live for. Something worth protecting. Someone worth breathing for.

Clarke's face filled my mind as I waited for it to begin. Her blue eyes watched me carefully, sadly. In my head I was with her in the tent questioning our right to life after survival. It seemed so long ago and yet so relevant to this moment. I fisted my right hand and glared at the ground. We had questioned much that day and just as the answer lay before us it had been taken away again. Because of my pride. In condemning myself to this fight I had not only taken away my right to survive, but clarke's too.

I didn't fear death. I was just scared to leave her behind.

 _Commanders do not fear.._

I shut down my emotions and locked them tight behind a hard look. I was determined to win this. Because Clarke needed me to. I would not fall today because I couldn't.

 _Not yet._

Footsteps crossed over to stop beside me and I flicked my eyes across to his shadow standing still beside mine. He didn't speak but he didn't need to. We both knew the rules. Two will fight. Only one will live.

I breathed calmly in and out and fought the desire in me to send a warrior to seek out clarke. I needed to speak with her. I needed to tell her everything I meant to say before all this mess. There was a high chance I could die today. I didn't want to see it without a proper goodbye.

I took another deep breath and brought a new vision of her to my mind, letting it calm the nervous blood in me...

* * *

 _She looks angry. She looks fierce. Her steps towards me are not calm and they promise trouble as they near me. I take a step back and she follows, backing me into the wall. I swallow. We'd been here before._

 _Her eyes blow painfully into me, knocking my breath away as she tells me she didn't buy my brave act against her arguments. She says she knows its all fake. I want to argue back. I want to defend myself. Because its not an act. But speaking with her is completely useless right now. She won't listen._

 _"Your people need you!" she growls and it reminds me of everybody else telling me how to be commander. It heats the fire in my bones enough to crack me out of my silent submission beneath her. I would not be spoken to like a child. Not by her._

 _But before I can unleash my anger she blows me back again with a quiet confession._

 _"I need you"_

 _I can only stare at her, anger subsiding entirely at the truth in her eyes._

 _I need you too, I want to say. I want to take hold of her and tell her I didn't want this fight. I wanted to have peace. With her. Clarke._

 _I move to speak with her but she spins on her heel and storms angrily out of the room without a single glance back at me, not even when I call after her. And for that Im thankful. If she'd looked back she would have seen me weak and hurting. I'm glad she didn't. I couldn't imagine her thinking of me like that. I would never allow it._

 _I walk in a daze back to my throne and sink myself down on it. I think about what Clarke had said. She was right. Her people needed me. If I died they would be vulnerable. Which meant Clarke would be too._

 _"Hadrian!" I shout and he quickly enters the room. I was glaring at the floor, thinking up a way to keep my promise to Clarke. I wouldn't have my oath to her broken less than sixty hours after bowing it._

 _I look up at him, "Get me Indra" I order coldly._

 _He nods and rushes out. I pick up my dagger and stab the throne viciously while I waited for indra to arrive. My mind is heavy with clarke. As is my heart._

 _Like always._

* * *

The drums started a while ago. The crowd has doubled. The shouting is louder. It makes my heart pound nervous.

I lift my chin. I refused to look scared.

Queen Nia was stood directly in front of me on the stage. The guards unchained her wrists and left her to take a seat. She doesn't. She remains standing in front of the commanders chair like she owns it already. That makes me rage inside. Her old eyes look around at my cheering people as if she is wondering what it would be like to own them too. They move down and glint gleeful at my position on the arena field below her. She expects blood today.

I thought hard on all the reasons I wanted revenge on her and I glared twice as hard back at her.

 _She'll get it..._

* * *

" _Heda!"_ _The guard stands to attention but I'm in a rush. I shouldn't be here but stubborn curiosity is dragging at me._

 _I tell the guard to leave, then I turn to face the cell. Roan is looking up at me from the darkest corner of the room. His eyes betray his otherwise calm face. They take me in fearfully._

 _"Heda" he bows politely in respect. As if he respected me at all._

 _I just stare silently back at him. It nerves him enough to speak first again._

 _"I assume this isn't a friendly visit" he states crossing his arms over his chest. He isn't wearing his jacket so the simple move makes his arms flex and bulge against his sleeves. Something i know he's doing to try and intimidate me. His mistake is I'm more angry than I am scared right now._

 _"Why did she choose you?" I question him. It had been teasing my mind all morning. Of all her warriors, why her son?_

 _His head tilts at my lack of pleasantries before he shrugs._

 _"Mother is not my biggest fan these days"_

 _"Then why agree to fight as her champion?" I reply bluntly. My expression tells him I am not looking for games. I just want answers._

 _Roan smiles then and shakes his head._

 _"Did you not see what happened, Heda? Did it look like I had a choice?"_

 _I take a step forward on his answer and cross my own arms, mirroring him exactly. I give him a cold look and nod, "I saw you choose your queen over your commander"_

 _"Because my queen holds my freedom" he spits quickly back._

 _I shake my head at him. He was angry with me for withholding my side of our deal. But he didn't realise he would have had his banishment lifted with me. As soon as his mother's war was called off he would have been freed. Instead he chose impatience over waiting for his answer. He chose blood over loyalty. And now he would pay for it._

 _"Why do you continue to speak with Wanheda?" I raise and then curse myself. I wasn't going to bring that up. I hide my annoyance and add, "She cannot help you in this"_

 _Roan's eyes cut back to me and he smirks to himself. My arms tighten across my chest in reply. He was close to pushing me._

 _"I thought becoming a prisoner alongside the one you kidnapped made you friends. My apologies if my manners are not adequate enough," he smirks even more deeply at me, "Its been a long time since I've been to court"_

 _I lean forward then with my teeth barred, "You pretend yourself too close to her. It will stop"_

 _I turn to leave then. I believe my piece has been said._

 _He laughs hollowly and I glare at the wall before I look back at him. He nods to himself and tips his head back to sigh at the ceiling above._

 _"With one of our deaths today, you're right" he glances back at me, "I'm hoping its your death though. Nothing personal"_

 _Fire fills my mind at his remark. I turn and fix him with a deep hateful glare. I did not like this prince. I didn't trust him._

 _He watches me walk calmly back to him and allows me to lock eyes with him. His are alight with amusement. Mine are burning with my hate._

 _"I will enjoy cutting your head off" I tell him coldly, hoping it instilled fear in him._

 _Roan leans forward against the cell bars beside me and bares me a quick smile._

 _"Will it replace the pain for the head you lost before, Heda?"_

 _My mind screams as I lash out and smack the cell bars with my palm. He smiles at me like he'd expected that reaction. I throw him a strong look of disgust and move back from the bars, clenching the sting in my right hand tightly in my palm. I would kill him for mentioning that pain. And I would do it slowly. Just so he would feel a hint of the hurt he had caused me all these years._

* * *

My chest ached dully in memory and I let my eyes drift sideways towards Roan. The prince was stood slouched and looking fairly bored with the slow proceedings. I looked to where his attention was locked. He was looking back at his mother and fixing her a sharp glare. My mind boiled over what Roan had told me after his angering me, and it made me thirst for revenge.

It would be easy to call off the fight. It would be easy to have Nia and her son both killed. And then even easier to wipe out their scattered army after. It only needed my command. Her people would fear me. Everyone would. Because they should. Nobody would rise up against me again.

 _Leadership through fear is not the answer_ , Clarke's voice blended smoothly through my mind, easing my rage a little. She was right. But I demanded justice. Nia had killed one precious to me.

I glanced briefly back to the man beside me.

I would kill something precious of hers...

* * *

 _The shouts grew louder from the village and again Anya told me to ignore it and focus._

 _"What if it's important?" I challenged leaping around her hands when she burst forward to grapple with me. Anya span about after my dodge and shook her head at me._

 _"We do not stop" She ran at me again, this time I let her grab hold of me and wrestled her hold off me. She was strong but I knew how to pin her down before her arms got around my neck._

 _I smirked at her on the floor at my feet and pressed harder against her throat until she called me off. I released her and stood back. She stood and slapped me sharp around the head._

 _I cried out at the abuse, "Hey!"_

 _"You do not give in when they tell you to!" she chided sternly. I glare back at her._

 _"I thought this was training" I mumble turning to walk and crouch by the stream so I might drink._

 _Anyas feet follow_ _me and I sigh tiredly as I sidestep her sneak attack and punch her sharp between her shoulder blades. She falls forward but rolls easily to her feet, twisting quick to face me again. Her eyes tell me I would not rest until my training was done. But I was Heda. I would stop when I wanted._

 _I ignore her smirking invite to fight and continue my previous stride to the stream to splash my face. She follows. She's not happy with me._

 _"You are distracted today" she comments unimpressed._

 _"I have a lot on my mind" I mumble. My thoughts turn to Costia again and I struggle to hide my pain from Anya. I hadn't had word in weeks. Rumours of her capture tormented me endlessly._

 _My mentor nods and gently wraps an arm around my neck when I rise. Her smile fed me some calm and soon I was smiling back at her._

 _"Being Heda is not an easy task" she tells me heavily, "I would not ask for it. But you are young. You will learn to be great"_

 _"I thought commanders were born great?" I say narrowing my eyes at her. Her smile grows and she nods._

 _"Usually, yes. But I think the gods skipped out with you"_ _She grins at me cheekily and I yank her arm down in anger._

 _Anya laughs at me when I wrestle her down and pin her to the ground. I lean back when I have her locked down and reach a hand into the stream. She laughs and screams when I playfully splash her with water demanding an apology._

 _"Heda!"_

 _Our smiles break and we both look up at the running footsteps coming towards us. The warrior stopping before us was panting, sweat running down his face. I recognise him immediately as a sentry guard. He'd run from the gate._

 _I let go of Anya and stood with a demanding look._

 _"Costia!" he breathed and my heart flew skywards, "She-" I didn't give him time to finish. Costia had returned. I had to see her._

 _He continues his report but I am already turning from the clearing._

 _"Leska!" Anya barks chasing after me._

 _I ignore her and push myself into a hard sprint through the woods back to the village. My heart directs me and I smile at the thought of having her again in my arms. I had missed her._

 _Pale faces and an air of misery hang through the village to greet me as I ran down the trail past the southern gate. My people all avoid my eyes as I pass. I feel uneasy but push my way on to the crowd merging by the front gate. I slow behind them and frown at their gathering. What was going on?_

 _"Leska.." Anya's hand grabs mind and pulls me back. She looks scared as she looks down at me. She shakes her head and pleads with me, "Don't"_

 _I didn't understand. Why was everyone looking at me like that? With dread and pain in their eyes? Where was Costia?_

 _I pull her hand down and push my way through the crowd. My eyes met with Indra and Gustus when I break free of it. She was holding a horse's reigns and looking as if she might be sick. He looks at me in pity. My eyes travel over the blood on their faces to the horse Indra held still between them. It had no rider. Just a bloody saddle and a sack lashed to the horn. Indra's eyes beg me to keep back but I need to know the reason for this._

 _"Where is Costia?" I asked with a thick voice. My skin is starting to tingle fearfully at her continued absence._

 _Indra remains silent though her hands tighten on the reigns. She exchanges a look with Gustus and he moves so she can pull the horse around. Anya whispers in my ear for me to look away. I did not. I could not._

 _The horse moves forward a few paces, pulling something behind it. My eyes fly over the pale body dragging on the ground. It was bloody and badly beaten. My eyes travel up to name the fallen warrior and my stomach turns at the space where their head should be._

 _"Leska, come away" Anya tells me grabbing hold of my arm when I try to go to the sack on the saddle. I only realise now that it was soaked at the bottom and dripping. I didn't have to guess to know what was inside it._

 _"Indra.." She meets the plea in my eyes and looks back at Anya before she reaches for the sack._

 _Gustus takes the reigns and hands them to one of his men. I watch him take a knife and cut the body free of the horse. The people behind me mutter and gasp when Indra manages to untie the sack from the saddle. My stomach turns again when she steps forward with it. Blood is dripping over her fingers as she brings it over to me._

 _I shake a little when the smell of decay hits my nose and I bite the inside of my lip to keep myself from vomiting. Indra comes over to me and casts another weary look to Anya before she pushes a hand into the sack._

 _My eyes glance away as she did. Back at the body of the female warrior. I was angry somebody would dare do this to one of my people. I was murderously enraged. I would seek justice for this. Blood would have blood._

 _My gaze casts up and catches briefly on a tattoo on the side of dead warrior's ribs. I freeze suddenly._

 _Anya crouches beside me by the body and orders Indra to halt. I feel their eyes on me as I gently touched the black design on the dead woman's side. My fingers roamed along the black lines while I tried to force my eyes to see something other than the picture of the woods standing tall on her skin. I knew only one person in the world held that tattoo. I'd helped her design it._

 _As if needing more confirmation I roll the body to it's side and stare at her back. Instantly I recognise the kill marks and battle scars._

 _"Leska, stop. You know who she is" Anya speaks gently but I was already wiping the dirt off the shoulder to reveal the tattoo there. My breath catches and I feel my eyes water as I touch its twin on my neck._

 _I looked back to Indra and nod at her._

 _She pulls the head out of the sack and I choke on my agony. A scream fills my ears as I take in the brown eyes staring unseeingly back at me. I feel the bile rise in my throat and hear the scream grow louder._

 _It takes Anya's strong grip on me to realise it was my own pain echoing in my ears._

* * *

 _"In single combat there is but one rule!"_

Titus' voice broke through my shuddering breaths and I looked up to where he was stood speaking to the crowd. As fleimpeka he would act as the official overseer for the fight in my stead. Something I knew pained him greatly.

His eyes looked down on me and I could see he feared for my life. Almost as much as Clarke did. I gave him a strong look in return. He would be stronger than this. Because I was.

He bowed his head and weakly told us to begin before he collapsed into his chair.

I nodded at him and glanced over to Aden and the other Nightbloods. Aden stood tall but I could see him shaking in fear for me. I gave him a look to remind him commanders are strong, and he lifted his head and nodded back at me with a strong expression. I felt a smile tug at my lips for him but remained emotionless. I couldn't afford to let my feelings weaken me now.

" _Remember your promise"_ I called to him before turning to the warriors walking towards me. Aden nodded. He would hold his oath...

* * *

 _I stride away from roan with an aching heart and a trembling hand. If what he told me was true, I'd been hating the wrong person for too long._

 _I order he be freed to prepare for the fight and make my way back upstairs to my throne. I had to prepare as well. I had to ensure my peoples future held strong should I die today._

 _I call Titus after in me as I make my way into the throne room again. He bows from the door and follows in quickly behind me with an instant and solemn urging for my retreat from this fight. I shoot him a dark look to silence him before I order he bring me the Nightbloods._

 _"Why?" He asks frowning deeply. I take a seat at my throne and let my glare speak for itself. He bows and quickly moves away to do as I bid._

 _I breathe calmly as I wait. I thought hard over what I needed to do. For my people and Clarke._

 _My back itches in shivers down the more recent of my tattoos, following the path of its ink and my thoughts to her again. I think about the day I designed it and I swallow heavily from the memory of that vision._

 _We must keep her safe, my thoughts continue to whisper._

 _I pull my knife out of my belt and begin twirling it against my finger. Should I die Clarke's life would be in immediate danger. I didn't doubt Nia would have her head before my death was announced. And then there was Clarke's people. I had sworn to protect them too. No doubt Nia already had an army set up outside the ark just waiting for her order._

 _I stare at the knife in my hand. How could I keep them all safe?_

 _"Hadrian" I called. The door opened and the warrior stepped into the room._

 _"Fetch me Wanheda" I needed to speak with her, urgently._

 _He nodded and closed the door. It opened again a moment later to Titus and the Nightbloods. I called for Aden and watched the boy step around his tutor to walk alone into the room. I ignore titus' concern and watch Aden stop to kneel at my feet. Titus takes a step forward but I wave him away. I wanted to speak alone with Aden. He opens his mouth to protest so I fix him a quick look that has him retreating quickly._

 _I return my eyes to Aden. I tip my head at him. If I was wrong about him being the next commander.._

 _"Aden, my position as commander has been challenged" I begin and his eyes shoot up in shock, "I will fight today to prove I am fit to lead. Should I die though, the commander spirit will find a new warrior"_

 _He nods with a little frown for guessing where I was taking this conversation. I pause in my judgment before I tell myself I am right. I have to be._

 _"Aden, I believe it will be you"_

 _He nods again but I can see the slight tremble in his hand gripping his sword. I feel pity for him. I knew of the pressure I placed upon him. I remembered the fear in myself when I had been declared commander. I remembered what it had done to me. What it cost me. Still, I would not regret readying him for this._

 _"Should I die, and you become Heda, I need to know of your loyalties"_

 _"I will follow on with your loyalties, Heda" he promised me immediately. I tip my head at his answer. I didn't doubt him._

 _"And Skaikru?" I ask cutting to the point of this summons. He looks up and I push, "What is your opinion of them?"_

 _He frowns in thought as he answers, "Skaikru are foreign and they have caused much war" I shift edgily in my seat with my worry for his answer. Maybe he wasn't the right answer. Aden continues, "But they are a strong people, with brave and peaceful leaders"_

 _"And what of their leaders?" I ask knowing he had spoken with Kane and Abby before the summit._

 _"Wanheda" he pauses, thinking, and then smiles, "She is as strong as the legends say. I believe she will help us find peace"_

 _"You would not attack the Skaikru?" I ask watching him for his reaction. His eyes stare at the throne in front of him but I couldn't detect any hate in him for Skaikru. He seemed to respect them. And he seemed very much in love with Clarke too._

 _Good, I thought over my slight annoyance for it, he will protect her._

 _"My father.." His voice shakes before he glares to himself and carries on with a tight jaw, "He taught me to learn a friend from an enemy. He said I should always stop before I decide to hate a stranger" I nod with a sad smile for Ada's wisdom. Aden meets my eyes with a determined nod, "These Skaikru have nothing to fear from me, Heda"_

 _I lean back pleased and nod at him._

 _"I'm proud you think so, Aden" He met my eyes again and smiled nervous at me, "Ada would be proud too" I added honestly. Aden's expression drops then and he fidgets on the spot._

 _"Heda.." He hesitates before he clenches his sword tight and looks nervously at me. I nod my permission and he lifts his chin with a determined look._

 _"If the ice nation have my father-"_

 _"Justice will be brought over them if harm has reached Ada under their hands, Aden. I promise you that"_

 _He nods, though his knuckles had turned white on his sword. I admire his calm control over his anger and bent forward on my throne to look down at him. He looks up and stares back at me. I search his eyes and find an honest brown shining back at me. He would be a good leader. I knew it._

 _I touch his shoulder and give him a praising look._

 _"You have done very well, Aden. I am very pleased with your progress. Should I die today I want you to know I am honoured should my spirit choose you"_

 _He bows his head in respect and I see a flash of fear reach his eyes when he looks back at me. I knew he feared my death. Many did._

 _"Aden, you need to promise me" He nods at me straight away and I smile sadly at his infinite loyalty, "Should I die today I want you to protect Wanheda. She needs to survive. For the sakes of all our people"_

 _And me, I thought miserably._

 _Aden studies me a moment then stands to raise his sword._

 _My guards turn their heads from their posts and move to come to me. I wave them off. I have nothing to fear from Aden._

 _He was frowning deeply as he gripped the sword in his hand and I watched on in intrigue as he pressed it to his other hand. He lets out a slow and laboured breath as he cuts a deep line down through his palm. He returned his eyes to me as he raised his bloody hand up._

 _"In blood I bind myself" he tells me strongly, "Wanheda will be safe, always. Until I die"_

 _He squeezes his palm and I watch as his dark blood drips down and splashes against the pale throne._

 _An oath on the throne from a future commander to the present one._

 _Even the gods would not break that._

* * *

One of my warriors strode over to stand in front of me. Their boots coming into my vision broke the memory from my mind. I looked up at Monroh and she held her arm out to accept my jacket as I stripped it off. Her eyes searched mine and when I gave it to her she bowed with pain in her them. I thought of the similar pain had directed at me when I had refused her offer to fight for me. She had been seeking forgiveness over Eko, without knowing I had already given it.

I nodded at her, letting her know it was okay. She looked away and my heart charged with sorrow at the regret I felt for her fear. It made me realise. If I died I was willingly abandoning my warriors, my people. I would be leaving my family to the ice nation.

 _So don't die._

I nodded at her again with a kind look before I glanced away. My eyes caught on a figure pushing their way through the crowd and my heart froze at the sight of her appearing in front of me.

 _Clarke._

She breathed heavy and pulled her hood down. I guess she'd ran here. I was grateful she hadn't given up hope. I would fight stronger knowing she was in the crowd.

"I'm glad you came" I told her in a thick voice. Clarke's eyes lightened a little and she nodded. She then gave me a strong look that sent a fire through me.

"Me too"

I smiled then and followed her attention towards the stage. Nia was watching the two of us. Deep interest covered her eyes. I moved away from Clarke, distancing myself to protect her from Nia's obvious plotting. I would not have a repeat of Costia's death. Not again. Not with Clarke.

Cain strode forward with my sword as I turned back to look at Clarke. I gripped the hilt of it and glared up at the queen as I released it from its sheath. The crowd roared then but I had eyes only for Clarke. I drank her in and memorised head to toe everything about her. If I died today I wanted to die knowing the woman who had captured my heart.

Clarke's eyes reached mine through the excitement of the crowd and she looked so scared. My heart paralleled her fear but I drew the strength to give her a slight smile to assure her it would be okay. I caught her bite her lip. I saw the tears forming in her eyes. I read the goodbye in her expression. And it broke me apart.

I took a step to speak privately with her. I would not have her watch me die if she couldn't handle it. I would tell her to go if it made it easy.

Her eyes darting behind me suddenly made me stop and I quickly span around with the crowd's warnings of Roan's run at me. I dodged his swing and landed him with a harsh slash of my blade up his back. The crowd cheered, glad and proud that their heda had drawn first blood.

I turned to face him again and saw how he'd stopped in front of Clarke. I saw her exchange a pleading look with him before he faced me again. It made me believe she had spoken with him before. Maybe to beg for my life. It made me angry at the same time it made me sad. And I was quick to throw that anger at the prince.

His eyes glanced briefly back up at the stage and I swung at him. Our swords clashed and I pushed him back a few steps with quick swipes at his body that missed every time. I was just starting to get a feel for his fighting technique. He was an attacker and not a defender, with strong calculated swings. I would have to push him in order to gain ground.

In my anger I stuck down towards his head. Roan caught and deflected me my sword with a growl as he pushed all his weight against the two swords. It surprised me how strong he was. To easily fend me off was something I had only seen Aden achieve before. And he had commander's blood. I strained and pushed back against Roan just as hard, pushing all my strength up against him, locking us in as we pushed against each other.

The crowd yelled my name, shouting at me to push him off. He seemed angry with their support. He arched up with his sword arm, locking his arm against mine to stop me pushing up against him. My legs gave under his superior strength and I realised suddenly that Clarke was right. I didn't have a chance against him.

"You're done" he snarled pushing heavier on me. I swallowed. Any second now I would lose the strength to stand against him.

Roans eyes glared hatefully down at me. He pushed on his sword against mine, forcing me lower. My arms trembled under the strain of all his weight. He angled his arm a little more and I could feel my side of the fight sliding fast. If he managed to inch his sword a little more he would have room to slice my throat.

I was charged with energy from the fear of losing and let a hand loose from my sword to catch his. The blade cut through my fingers and I felt blood pour between them as I pushed up and forced the metal deeper into my hand.

Roan looked surprised. He looked down at my hand and I took that moment to pull his sword forward so I could release mine. He fell back when I pushed it up. The blade just missed his face but the hilt drove hard into his nose causing it to bleed heavily. The prince stumbled to regain his balance and spat out the blood flowing into his mouth. I backed up away from him and clenched my bleeding hand repeatedly to save the feeling in my fingers. My eyes locked on his and I tried to read the emotion running through the brown as he decided his next move.

Roan came at me again, this time swinging his sword fast and hard. I leant away from the first swing and ducked the second. He span on the deflect but I saw his move coming and grabbed his arm to stop him. But like a cheat he'd swapped hands with his sword mid-turn. My arm came up to save me from the oncoming blade and he growled low at me.

He shoved me away and I saw him pant a breath before coming at me again. I swung my sword and span to meet him. He came guarded at my attack and slammed his blade hard against mine, knocking me round. I struggled to breathe and tightened my grip on my sword out of reflex. I felt a hot pain meet the back of my leg as I began to turn to face him. His boot had kicked harshly down on it.

I lost my balance and fell to my hands on the ground. The crowd gasped loudly at my fall and it filled me with their dread. I ignored it though and turned my head and raised my sword. Roan's fist came out of nowhere and smashed into my face. My head snapped painfully to the left and I saw a blur of faces as I went down again.

Dirt blew into my eyes. A haze of noise filled my dazed mind. I felt a sting to my arm as my sword was ripped from my grip and kicked away from me. I looked up toward Clarke and found her blue eyes watching on scared. It made me angry. And it gave me strength.

Roan stepped around me to finish it. He wasn't expecting me to be able to defend myself now without a weapon. I waited for his boots to press my side before I leant up on my knees and punched him hard in the thigh. I heard him grunt and watched him go down to his knee beside me. I grabbed hold of his neck then and stretched up to kick my knee into his face. I stood with a yell as he flew back and I staggered a little to towards my sword. I saw his on the ground beside it and picked it up too.

Clarke looked relieved when I glanced back at her. I gave her a slight nod and raised the two swords in my hand as Roan struggled to stand straight. The crowd yelled at me to kill him before he could find a weapon. But I would not. I had more honour than that.

I breathed heavy and limped a step to the right, eyes stalking his turn around for a weapon. He'd seen I held his sword and had panicked at his defencelessness. I started towards him, soul set on ending this, but stopped the moment he approached a standing guard and punched him down for his spear. I glared at the prince. It angered me how stubborn he was to live.

He span the shaft in his hands and took up a strong stance in front of me. I raised the swords and held them stronger in my grip. He had the long range weapon but I had speed and two blades. Something he knew too. He looked a little apprehensive but I refused to move forward first. He would attack and give up his defence, and I planned to hit back immediately.

Roan gave up holding off after a few more seconds and impatiently strode forward holding the spear low at the shaft in his hands. I saw it as a move to swing and ducked low to crouch my way under it and round. The prince's eyes were heated with rage at me. He raised the spear back closer to his body and I drove forward seeing the gap in his defence. He parried my attacks but I never let up. I kept spinning and attacking quicker and quicker, hoping that he would fail to hold me off on a swing and gain himself an injury. He never did though. Clarke's review of his fighting capabilities had been well placed. Roan fought like a commander.

He raised the spear up to catch both my swords on the head and I felt a burst of strength fall against me from him as he pushed up and twisted. I stumbled back and felt one sword pulled free from my grip. I raised the other but he was already mid swing. The spear cut my wrist as it knocked the other sword free of my fingers. The crowd screamed in fear and I let it fill me as I turned my head up to the prince. He was striding up to me with determination ablaze in his eyes. I stumbled back a step but could not react quick enough to stop him. He raised his leg and I caught his boot in my chest as he powerfully kicked me back.

My breath left me as I landed on my back in the dirt and I coughed to return the air to my lungs. My head was spinning a little, a sharp pain at the back of it told me I'd knocked it during my fall. I struggled to move. I was too dazed to focus on anything but the pain reaching me. I heard a sweep of gasps at my fall and told myself I needed to get up before my people began doubting my strength.

I raised my head and squeezed my eyes shut to the dizziness that fell behind them when I lifted myself. I fell back again and breathed shakily to myself. I couldn't get up.

I looked up at the shadow crossing in front of me and met his dark eyes as he raised the spear ready in his hands. I let out a staggered breath. He was going to kill me.

" _Get knocked down, get back up!"_ Anya's voice barked through the blurred fog in my mind. I wanted to. I wanted to stand and fight. But I was too tired. My own body was revolting against me.

Roan's boot nudged my ribs and the point of the spear pressed lightly over my chest. He was watching me, warning me to stay down. I expected him to look mad. To gloat. Or laugh at my weakness. Strangely I found regret in his eyes. Like he didn't want this.

His head tilted towards the stage and I watched him draw a deep breath as he raised the spear. The sharp point shone in the sunlight and sat there basking in it as he paused, savouring the moment as the crowd yelled at him and me to fight. I drew calm breaths as I looked into his eyes. I was Heda. I would not beg. I would not cry.

The spear arched back in his hold and I felt my fingers dig into the dirt beneath me. I held my breath and waited for the pain.

 _"Life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve that?"_

Clarke's voice filled my head and powered me awake enough to move my eyes away from the spear.

 _Maybe we do,_ I answered weakly and replayed Clarke's kiss in my head. I looked over at her. She stared down at me so afraid. Her eyes begged me to get up. They demanded it. She hadn't given up on me yet. But I had.

 _Forgive me,_ I begged her and turned my eyes back to Roan. My heart thundered in my chest and I watched as his arms pulled back to deliver the killing strike.

 _Get knocked down, get back up..._

The spear started its descent and Anya's voice screamed heavy in my ear again.

 _Get knocked down, get back up.._

Roan's hand shook around the spear shaft but I saw it coming true over my heart. At least it would be quick.

 _Get knocked down, get back up.._

Roan changed direction of the spear last second. Now it was aimed for my head. My heart hammered inside my chest. It was yelling at my head to wake up. To fight. I swallowed. My eyes stared up at the sky behind Roan. My body relaxed under the peace the clouds tempted down to me.

 _It couldn't be so bad_ , I thought, _Clarke had come from there_.

My heart charged faster when I thought of her.

 _Get knocked down, get back up..._

My eyes sharpened on reality. I started to feel my pain again and I knew it was waking me up to fight.

 _Get knocked down, get back up!_

Clarke's voice rode with Anya's, furiously begging me to fight. Ada's joined it. And Aden's. Indra's followed. And Gustus'. And Costia's.

I stared back at the point of the spear coming down at my head and I glared with the fury screaming through me.

 _Get back up!_ I screamed at myself.

The spear slammed down and I rolled away from under it.

I heard the arena gasp as the spear impaled the ground where my head had been. I leant up and bent my legs around, yelling loud through the pain in my side as I kicked out powerfully at the prince's legs, sweeping them out from under him. His back slammed into the ground and he fell with a yell and a hard groan when the fall winded him.

The crowd burst out in roars of my name and chanted me on. I drew strength from their cheering and crawled to my hands and knees, flipping up quickly to my feet as the prince staggered after me with the spear. His face contorted with rage again as he swung heavily at me.

I leant back and ducked. He drove a deep jab to my side and I sidestepped it and grabbed the spear in my hand. I tugged on it and punched him hard in the face so that he released it to my ownership completely. This time I was the one swinging the spear, and he wasn't as quick as me to avoid it. I smacked it hard into him, cutting it deep into his calf, and he fell bleeding to his knee.

The spear came back to smack him in the face, moving back again to repeat the move. Roan caught it on the third try but the head snagged on his sleeve. His eyes met mine as I bared my teeth and I let loose a wild growl as I brought the butt of the spear around to strike him hard under the chin. The force of bone meeting wood jarred my arm and I gritted my teeth for the pain rolling down my spine with it.

The prince fell backwards then. Blood spilled from his mouth and it sprayed up into the air as he coughed and breathed heavily. I stepped over him, spear pointed directly over his heart. It was time to end this.

He looked up at me. He would not fight back this time. He would let me kill him. I couldn't help but question why as I tightened my stance above him.

 _"Get up!_ "

The arena grew silent and all eyes rushed back to the queen standing to scream at her son. I wanted to smile at her panicked expression. At her urgent call for him to return to his feet. She didn't like losing. I enjoyed her failure.

 _"If you die, you do not die a prince! You die a coward!"_ she screamed hatefully at him.

I glanced down at him again. His eyes had never left my face. He'd heard his mother but instead of fighting like I expected he seemed even more ready to let me kill him. Almost as if he wanted it. I remembered then what he'd told me about Costia and her death. I remembered the look in his eyes as he'd delivered me the truth.

He was looking for forgiveness for his part in it...

* * *

 _Roan's eyes followed me to the corner of the room where I stood breathing my anger down._

 _Ask him, my mind urged when I thought about what he'd said. My heart throbbed a little. It didn't want to be put through the pain of knowing the truth. And yet I couldn't not know. This may be my final chance._

 _I bowed my head and closed my eyes._

 _"Were you the one?" I asked thickly. I glanced back at him and turned when he shook his head._

 _"I was meant to be"_

 _I frowned and then it hit me, "Your banishment… You wouldn't kill Costia so she banished you"_

 _He nodded and suddenly I didn't feel so much hate towards this Ice Nation prince._

 _"I was told it was you"_

 _I breathed heavy as I let years of pain and hatred towards this man blow away under his eyes. I had been informed it was the mighty ice prince who had thought up and carried out the capture and interrogation of my love. It had been the prince who had ended her life. And then the prince who had dragged her body back to me in mockery. To know he was, for a part, innocent shook my anger aside. Suddenly I didn't know where to place it._

 _Roan crossed his arms over his chest and looked me down with pitying eyes._

 _"I did not think it was fair to end her life because my mother wanted yours" He looked away then and strode to the other side of the cell. I followed his movements with cautious eyes._

 _"Tell me" I ordered. He shifted nervously and eyed my hand gripping the knife on my belt. He began slowly, eyes trained on my dagger._

 _"I was sent to find one who held Heda's upmost trust" He gave me a wry smile then, "I was my mothers bounty hunter"_

 _My back flashed with fire at being compared to his mother but i nodded him on._

 _"I found her hunting with a party by Eden's pass. And I followed them for a day back towards a wood clan village. I heard her speak many times with her friend about you" My heart snagged but I refused to react to him. His eyes passed over me before returning to the ground, "I waited for them to go off on their own and then I attacked. Her friend fought bravely but she refused to let me leave with the girl. I had no choice but to kill her"_

 _I remembered seeing the fatal wounds on Ash's body when the hunting party had returned to the village. He had delivered a precise stab to the heart. A quick death. I nodded him on._

 _"I didnt know what my mother had planned for the girl. When I returned it was as a hero" he glared bitterly at the floor then, "I was called to my mothers throne three weeks later. She told me she'd gained nothing from my prize and that I was a disgrace for delivering her the wrong person. But I knew she wasnt wrong"_

 _He met my eyes then and strode forward, "So I asked my mother, would we be releasing the commanders false lover? She told me we would. By my hand and the gods' good grace the girl would return home"_

 _"Except she didn't!" I growled feeling my patience steep inside my anger._

 _"Mother never said what condition she would return in" his eyes fell heavy with his silent apology. I saw them flit to the ground and watched in surprise when he bowed his head and drew a shuddering breath. He truly felt remorse for his involvement against costia. I wondered briefly if the two had befriended one another in their imprisonment under the ice queen. It would explain why he was so familiar with Clarke._

 _He isn't to blame, my heart decided while he told me the rest. Hatred refilled my soul as I listened._

 _Nia was.._

* * *

"Get it over with"

Roan's eyes were looking up at me confused. He didn't understand why I still hesitated to kill him. He knew I wanted justice for Costia's death. He believed I would have it and he would gain my forgiveness the moment I killed him.

I stared down at him. In my mind I was seeing Costia's body laid out beside him, fresh and as cold as it had been the day it'd been returned to me.

" _Blood must have blood_ " I mumbled staring down at him hard a moment before I lifted my eyes to the stage. I wanted justice. But I couldn't get it from killing the prince. He didn't own the blood I needed.

I didn't think as I flipped the spear up into my hand. I looked up glaring and launched it with a yell across the arena to the queen standing looking furious at her son.

The crowd gasped as it impaled her and sent her flying backwards into her seat. All eyes rushed to me and I breathed heavy in my anger as I watched her die. Her eyes stared at me as she jerked with her breaths. Questioning almost how i could have done such a thing. But I felt no regret for my lapse of control. The commander had taken what was owed to her today. And I felt relief under all of it. Finally Costia's death had been avenged. Finally I could be free of her haunting me.

"The queen is dead!" I announced loudly the second Nia's gasps for breath silenced.

I looked down at Roan by my feet and I stood back to allow him up. His eyes stared back at his deceased mother and then up at me in complete surprise. I couldn't tell what his feelings for her death were. If he had any.

 _Kill him too,_ my head told me, warning of the repercussions should I let him live.

 _Let him live,_ my heart argued, granting me a vision of lasting peace under his rule as leader of the ice nation. I hesitated and looked towards Clarke before I decided to honour my promise to myself.

 _Heart and not my head._

"Long live the king!" I yelled out and my head flashed with a sudden warning.

 _Queens will dance with Kings..._

I stared at him as I realised fearfully that another part of the prophecy had come true.

The crowd copied me and chanted the proclamation around us with cheery relieved voices. Every single person in the arena was glad for Nia's death and Roan's succession. It gave me hope for a better world.

I stood back from the new king and panted heavily. My mind was rushing over the prophecy. My body was just beginning to wane on adrenaline. I could feel my wounds more openly than before. My people called my name but I ignored all of them to seek out one person in the crowd.

Clarke looked proud of me and that alone gave me the strength to limp towards her. She saw my intentions and immediately broke the line of the crowd to rush to my side. Her hands automatically wrapped around my left hand to assess the damage to my torn fingers.

"You're so stupid!" she told me crossly. I arched a brow at her and she looked up with a relieved smile for me, "Brave and stupid" she whispered.

I smiled at her and gave her a nod. She stared back at me, eyes searching my face. I felt her fingers close warmly around mine, the tips just interlinking together. I looked down at her and thought on how her kiss had saved my life. I glanced back at her lips. I wanted very much to kiss her again.

"Come on" She stepped around me and urged me a step to the left, "We should get you cleaned up"

I shook my head at her, "I have to meet with the clans and discuss-" Clarke stopped me and gave me a stern expression that ordered me to shut up and let her look after me.

I smiled despite my pain as she helped me limp to a cart beside the stage. She barked at the boys inside it to move on and turned to pull me forward. She pushed me to sit and then called her guard over to order bandages to be brought to her.

I tipped my head at her when the warrior rushed away and let out a soft chuckle. Clarke looked up from my hand and gave me a curious smile.

"What?" she asked as she unbuckled my armour. I shook my head and squeezed my hand around hers.

"You keep giving my warriors orders and I may have to fight you next" I teased leaning back so she could peel my shirt up over my side.

I watched her eyes bleed with hurt at the bruising on my ribs. I winced when her fingers gently poked at them and I breathed in relief when she stopped her torture with a satisfied look. Her eyes looked down at me.

"I think we both know who would win in that fight" she mumbled turning to accept the bandages off her guard. She gave the warrior a grateful smile and I saw Jes give Clarke's hand a squeeze before she turned back to me.

I felt jealousy override the pain clouding my mind the moment Jes smiled back at Clarke and it had me thinking on just how close the two women were.

 _Maybe I should remove her as Clarke's guard,_ I thought angrily.

Clarke turned back to me with the bandages. Jes stood behind her with a hand laid against her sword. I glared the warrior away and tipped my head at Clarke. I thought about what we'd been speaking about and I nodded at her.

"You would" I sighed defeated in answer to her precious comment. I smiled at how true it was. In a fight Clarke always would win against me because I would always let her. She was my one weakness.

She glanced up at me with questions in her eyes. In the distance I could hear Titus' voice grow near, promising more work for me. I groaned a little. I didn't care much for the clan leaders right now. I didn't care much for anything.

I closed my own to the exhaustion pulling at my bones. I could feel myself drift under it and allowed myself to fall. Clarke was here now. She would watch over me.

* * *

I woke inside the moonlight flooding through my bedroom window. I stared up at the dark ceiling and frowned to myself trying to remember the fight. I had won. I had gained peace. Then why did it feel like I'd missed something?

I huffed to myself and sat myself up. I gasped loudly when doing so tore my chest in pain. My hand flew to my side to the bandage press that had been fixed tight across my torso under my shirt. I had a broken a rib.

I hissed under my breath and forced myself to push the furs away from myself so I could stand. The room span a little but I forced myself over to the window to look down at the city below. My heart calmed inside me when it registered the lack of death and war. It beat triumphant inside my chest with the knowledge that I had gained peace again.

I turned back to the bed. I wanted sorely to climb back in and sleep again. But my mind and heart pulled me somewhere else.

I called in for the door sentry and had him bring me some fresh water. I stripped my shirt when he closed the door and threw it to the floor. I felt dirty and beaten. I searched for my knife and held it up in the light to study my face. It surprised me when my eyes focused on clean skin. All my war paint and blood had been washed away.

 _Clarke_ , my heart hummed happily at the thought of her sitting beside me washing my wounds and cleaning my face.

I studied my reflection and smiled at the bright eyes staring back at me when I thought of her. I could see leska clearly for the first time in a long time and it lightened me how easily I could still recognise her beneath the thick commander exterior.

My eyes fell down and across to the bruising bridging my lips together. I furrowed a brow and brought the memory of Roan's harsh punch to mind. He had been vicious in his attack. Impressively so. I raised a hand and touch the tender bruise, wincing at the pain touching my skin.

"Heda" my guard had returned and was stood holding the bowl of water out to me. I saw his eyes take in the bruising across my body before he cast them quickly away out of respect. I nodded to him and pointed to the table. He set the bowl down and bowed low to me

 _"Commander always_ " he whispered bowing again before he turned away to the door. I felt a shot of gratitude towards his loyalty and let him go. I felt stronger from his words.

I cupped my hands into the bowl and splashed my face and neck, shivering with the coldness of the water on my skin. The slight tremor pulled a tidal wave of pain across my entire body and I had to grip the edges of the table firmly to keep from falling. I inhaled sharply and gritted my teeth as I unbuckled my pants and bent to pull them from my legs. I could hear the guard behind the door shift uneasy when he heard me cry out in pain and I was thankful he remained at his post.

I kicked my filthy pants away and awkwardly slipped myself into a light night piece. My arm braced across my stomach when it twanged and I glared to myself at allowing the pain to reach me.

I called the guard back to take the water away and asked him where Clarke was now I had been returned to my room. I blinked in surprise when he told me she was sleeping in nia's temporary room. She had agreed to that?

 _"What of roan?_ " I asked him. His eyes darkened in his hate for the man who had harmed his Heda and he spat his reply angrily.

 _"He is held with the healers below, Heda"_

"Held?" He nodded and I frowned, _"He is free now"_

" _Titus ordered the King be held under guard until you awoke"_

I felt anger at Titus' claim to my power and ordered he be brought to the throne room immediately so he might explain himself. The guard nodded and bowed out of the room.

I followed a moment later and limped my way along the darkened corridors up to the stairs. I glanced up at them and felt a sample of the pain waiting for me the moment I began my climb. I stole a deep breath and gripped the railing hard in my hand as I forced myself up. The ache in my leg grew louder the further I went until I was sweating from holding myself against it.

I heard a guard rushing to me when I strode up onto the last level panting hard from my exertion. I pushed them off me and forced myself to stand tall.

"Heda, please, allow me-"

 _"Stand back!"_ I growled looking them in the eye.

My anger returned harder when I met jes' worried face. She stood back from me but refused to move back to her post by the throne room. Behind her Cain called softly for her to obey me.

 _"She is hurt!"_ she argued over her shoulder. She peered back at me and took up a tall stance when I approached her. She was concerned for me. I knew that. But I did not request or need her help.

 _"Return to your post"_ I told her lowly.

She lifted her eyes to my face and I saw her fear before she moved away. I watched her go before I continued to limp on to the throne room. I called Cain in after me.

"Send Jes to run patrol" I ordered as I climbed the dais to my throne.

He watched me collapse into it and nodded. I watched him speak with the other warrior as the door closed. She looked confused for my order. I tapped my throne in thought. She didn't realise she was being punished for her familiarity with Clarke.

 _I do not trust her_ , I thought watching her stride away from Cain. I thought over all my warriors. I didn't trust most of them.

 _Not with Clarke._

Titus strode in after a few minutes. His robe was askew and his eyes looked drawn. Obviously my summons had awoken him. He hurried forward with a smile for my returned health. I ignored his relief and continued tapping the throne. He stopped speaking soon after and I didn't need to voice my question for him to give me the answer.

"Heda-"

"Explain exactly why not one hour after my victory over one who would challenge my authority you had taken it upon yourself to undermine it yourself"

My eyes blew deadly into his, threatening him against lying to me.

Titus swallowed and remained silent.

* * *

My feet carried me of their own will. They walked stronger now because they knew their destination was a good one. Was one I craved to be at.

There was light under the door as I approached Clarke's room. She was still awake. I worried if it was from her nightmares again as I hesitated by the door.

 _What if she doesn't want to see me_? I worried.

 _Just knock!_ My heart screamed at me. It was impatient to see her again.

I stole a deep breath and raised my hand. I knocked softly, knowing she would hear. The door opened and she peered cautiously out. I nodded at her when she relaxed her stance and I fought a smile when she asked if I was here to gloat.

"This is thanks" I told her solemnly.

Clarke's eyes carried over my face before she invited me in. I strode forward when she moved aside to shut the door and I stopped myself suddenly when her hand clasped mine. I looked back at her. She was peering down at the cloth around my palm. She looked back at me.

"Sit down" she said nodding at the bed, "Let me change that for you"

My heart thumped and I stepped forward at her request to sit as she bade. I looked around the room as I sat. My eyes caught on a book by the window ledge and I smiled thinking of her reading in the candlelight.

Clarke closed the door. I watched her move to pick up a sheet before she sat opposite me and I watched closely as her eyes avoided mine. I could see she was holding her thoughts from me. She had her frown set on my fingers but I knew it was for something she was keeping to herself. I waited patiently for her to speak. She could laugh or rage at me if she liked. For now I was content to sit here in her presence and her touch.

"That girl that was with Nia.." She glanced up at me then quickly away, "Ontari.. What will happen to her?"

 _She fears for the girl's life_ , I realised. It confused me. The girl had tried to kill clarke. Why does she fear for her?

 _Because to Clarke all life is precious._

I watched Clark unravel the bloody bandage from around my hand and felt her fingers press against my skin a little on seeing the wound before I gave her my answer.

"She won't be back until the conclave after my death" I told her. I would not have a bounty on the girl. Not if Clarke feared it. She seemed relieved by my reply.

"Do you ever talk about anything other than your death?" She teased smiling warmly at me. She looked away to tear a strip from the cloth and I smiled back at her.

"Thank you for backing me" I told her seriously.

 _Thank you for staying,_ I tried to say too. Clarke refused to look at me.

She stared down at her fingers tying the bandage, "I was just doing what was right for my people" she told me huskily.

I didn't believe that was the only reason. Her fingers clasping mine spoke another truth. My heart continued to pace patient though. It would wait for her to be ready.

"Your ambassadors betrayed you" she started looking me in the eye with another frown, "How do you move forward?"

I studied her a moment. In this light her skin glowed perfection. It invited me to touch. I breathed steadily past the impulse to reach out and pull my fingers across her cheek.

Instead I looked down and returned my attention to her question. Her eyes searching mine told me she wanted more than one answer. Because she wasn't just asking after the loyalty of my ambassadors. But how to move forward from a betrayal altogether. Like mine against hers at the mountain.

I swallowed and answered her heavily.

"They were doing what they believed was right for their people, too"

Clarke looked back at me. I saw the pain in her eyes as she struggled to believe me. I wanted her to. I wanted her to believe I wasn't the only one who made bad choices for the benefit of my people. I wanted her to see how easy it was to forgive a betrayal made with the best intentions. If it was easy for me, it could be for her too.

Her eyes moved over me again and again I felt myself gravitate towards her. She rose before I could act on it and stood stiff in front of me.

 _"Good night, Heda"_ she told me bowing her head. I felt a flood of dread fall inside me at her formality and rose to my feet too. My mind echoed with the priestess' voice calling the prophecy. I wondered how any more times Clarke would bow to me before war came at us.

I covered my fear over and nodded to her with a smile.

"Goodnight, Ambassador" I replied in her native tongue. Clarke's eyes fell heavier on me then and she watched me walk to the door.

I looked back at her as I opened it and I breathed regretfully though my decision to leave. She stepped after me, lips pursed a little to keep her from speaking. I wished she would. I wanted to know her every thought.

I pulled my eyes forward with much effort and moved out of the room into the coldness of the corridor. I leant back against the door a moment and tipped my head back to rest against it. It scared me how much harder it was getting to leave Clarke's side.


	13. Chapter 13

**Anybody else been watching Fear The Walking Dead just to see Alycia in shorts and imagine its Lexa? ...No?... Just me? ... Well, okay then.. :P**

 **This latest ep tho! Much better than the last one. The parallels in it compared to Wanheda pt.2.. Very clever, writers, very clever. But lets get things straight. Jaha, Jasper, Hannah, Pike and Titus.. and possibly Bellamy.. NEED to die already! Life would be happier! I'm very scared for Clexa next episode. The trailer was not a happy one :/**

 **GUYS! I just had a freaking epiphany! What if Titus is a robot?! That Becca lady who created Alie obviously fell to earth. What if she made Titus to watch over the grounders? He said he was Fleimpeka for four commanders. And he has the emotional capacity of a gerbil. And he seems obsessed with the city of light too! OOOOOOR! What if the grounders are the 13th station?! :O I just blew my own brain. Here, have this update while I fix myself.**

 _ **Reviewers spotlight:**_

 _ **Random guest: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!**_

 _ **Winduplion: I feel your frustration! Its gonna happen! Its gotta!**_

 _ **Jedi Caro: Hello again! Heartbreak is all part of the process. Just sit some ice cream down and we'll get through this!**_

 _ **Starperformer4343: Cheers buddy!**_

 ** _Sailor Sayuri: You leave the best comments. I cant help but think maybe you need to calm down on the pie though, you hyper little thing you. I'm glad you enjoyed the update!_ **

**Up Next: Young Blood by The Naked and Famous.**

* * *

 _ **A lot can happen in a day**..._

* * *

 _ **Clarke.**_

 _I had no idea what I was doing. My feet seemed to just carry me through the tower. My destination was set in my mind and already concreted in my heart._

 _I had thought hard on what this would mean. I had thought long on whether or not I really wanted it. Because if I did this, there would be no turning back. All my control would be submitted for good._

 _The cold tiles under my feet made me wish I'd put boots on. The dark empty halls made me wish I had a knife or even Jes to escort me. Just some form of protection for my assurance. I didn't trust Polis to be safe. Not yet. Not when the Ice Nation still roamed freely inside the city. I couldn't help but expect an attack to happen while the commander was out of action._

 _I shivered with the weight of my decision and allowed myself to approach the door I'd been looking for in the dark. I stood outside for a few minutes, listening hard for movement inside, before I knocked gently. I half hope its owner was asleep. My heart begged that she wasn't._

 _The door opened and I glanced up at her looking out at me. She didn't seem confused, or worried, or annoyed. She looked like she understood why I had come. Her darkly ringed eyes said maybe she'd been up as long as I had, thinking on it too. Waiting for me._

 _My eyes ran over her bruised face and I breathed a hurt breath for her pain before I settled again on her eyes. Asking her. Begging her._

 _She nodded and opened the door wider to let me in. I hesitated entering and her fingers clasped my wrist suddenly to pull me into the room. My skin burned beneath her touch and I let out a sharp gasp when she pulled me quickly into her, jumping in surprise when she wrapped her arms around me. I felt my control slip and my tears come then._ _I heard the door close as I tucked my head against her shoulder and I shivered warmly at her pulling me tight against her body._

 _Lexa breathed calmly against me, chest pushing on mine gently as her hand came to a rest on my back. Her palm burned through the thin fabric separating our skin and I wished achingly that it would move up if only a little bit more so I could feel her skin touch mine._

 _"Nightmares?" She husked quietly in my ear._

 _I shook my head with a sniff for the fresh tears that came under her question. It embarrassed me how she could easily guess my torment. But then it shouldn't have surprised me. Lexa knew me more than I did sometimes._

 _"No. I haven't slept"_

 _Lexa was silent for a moment. Her thumb rubbed against my back soothingly and I felt my eyes drop a little from the calm it pushed into me._

 _"I haven't either" she told me._ _I closed my eyes to the hitch in her her tired voice and tipped my head up._

 _She was staring ahead at the window and I could tell her mind was troubled with thoughts. I took a moment to study her from this angle. To appreciate her beauty. She was flawless. Absolutely flawless._

 _"I thought you would die today" I whispered quickly wiping away my new tears before she could see them._

 _Lexa gave me a slight smile and nodded before she made me rest against her again. I nervously slipped my hands to rest against the back of her hips, keeping her against me. I heard a hitch reach her breaths at my touch and it made me feel guilty for causing her pain. I moved my hands away to avoid causing her more discomfort._

 _"Strange" she mumbled. I looked down from her eyes to the thin slip of fabric crossing over her collarbone. I huffed to myself._

 _"What's strange?" I asked in a thick voice._

 _I heard a chuckle rumble deep inside Lexa's chest and I smiled to myself feeling it push on mine. I let my fingers nervously touch her collarbone. I needed to be touching her skin. Otherwise this madness i felt building in me would explode out. I felt her body stiffen and began to draw my hand back. She stopped me and pressed her hand over mine on her skin, pinning it back in place by her right shoulder._

 _"Two days ago you were ready to take my life. Now you fear my death"_

 _I heard the amusement in her voice and let it feed a little more calm into me. I nodded and let out a long withdrawn sigh as I stared up at her throat. My hand shook imagining the knife still pressed there. She was right. I could see how she found it funny._

 _"A lot can happen in a couple days" I mumbled to her in defence._

 _Lexa's thumb stopped rubbing my back then. I felt her hand press fully against my spine before I felt it slip lower. I looked up at her and met the deep hunger coming to life in her eyes. She nodded at me and bent her head lower. I felt my entire core shake beneath the look she gave me before she leant the rest of the way in._

 _"A lot can change" she agreed pressing her lips against mine. I gasped loudly and thought a moment about moving away. Because I shouldn't do this._

 _But i wanted to. My mind tempted me an entirely inviting image of what the night with Lexa would involve should I continue. I moaned heavily to myself. I couldn't resist. Not anymore._

 _Lexa moaned softly when I pushed up against her. My fingers dove up into her hair, fixing her to me, while my body pressed to touch every line of hers. Her voice filled my head. I wanted more of those moans. I wanted more of her._

 _Lexa's back hit the door. She pulled her head back to look at me then. Eyes questioning my actions. I stared honestly back. I wanted this. God knows I wanted it._

 _She smiled then, happy with my choice and dipped her head back down to me. She didn't kiss me though. She surprised me when she gripped my waist and span us round. My back slammed into the door and I cried out with the pain it caused me before I kissed my anger into her. That seemed to charge her. She grabbed my hands and pinned them to the door by my head. I filled with electric tingles and struggled to gain a full breath. My hips pushed out against her, asking for more. Lexa's lips brushed away from mine then and dipped down my throat to my chest. I had to squeeze my eyes shut to keep from shouting out. She felt so good._

 _"So it wasn't nightmares...Or lack of sleep.." She kissed her way back up my neck and moved her head back to smirk darkly down at me, "Why did Wanheda pay me a visit tonight?"_

 _I glared at the mockery in her voice and pushed her back a step. She smiled and let me have my hands. They embraced her face and held her gently despite my anger. I watched the green swirl in her eyes, watching me back, waiting. My lips tingled and my breath shook. They wanted to be back where they belonged. With hers._

 _I moved into her and she backed up a step with a new smirk that teased me into following. So I did. Lexa moved until she fell down onto the bed. She pulled on my hands and_ _I swallowed the fire running down my throat before I slipped easily into her lap. Lexa's arms encased me against her as she tipped her head back to receive my lips again._

 _But I stopped._

 _My lips were just brushing hers. I searched her eyes and felt myself frown. Her question was running circles inside my head. Why was I here?_

 _"I don't know" I whispered more to myself than to her. Lexa stared back at me in understanding. And that look of calm she gave me made me want her more. Because she was calm. She was peace. She was stability in this mad crazy world. And I needed that. I needed to forget._

 _I needed her to make me._

 _I rushed back to her lips and kissed her slowly, letting out all of my grief for the day into her so she would know just how scared I had been at coming so close to losing everything. Her arms tightened their hold on me as if she knew and was apologising for causing me this pain._

 _Her head tipped and I felt her tongue glance across my lip, asking for admission. I moaned throatily and parted my lips against hers to draw her in. Lexa's hands squeezed into my sides while our tongues brushed and I shuddered strongly above her. I drew back after a couple seconds of kissing her. This still wasn't enough._

 _I bent my head low and kissed her throat, savouring the gasp of air she inhaled the moment my hand slipped down her chest beneath her dress._

 _My fingertips glanced slowly down bruised tender skin. She let out a little muted cry when she arched up under my touch. I remembered then her ribs were broken and angled myself a little away from her. Lexa didnt like that. Her eyes smouldered meanly at me. Demanding me closer._

 _"Clarke.." She growled pulling a hand up to cup my neck. She wasn't used to not being obeyed. She didn't like it. I moaned low at her nails scraping along my skin and decided enough was enough. Lexa's grip changing on me said she felt the same way._

 _I knocked her back against the furs, focusing myself to calm enough to be gentle with her, and hitched my dress up a little to climb over her. Her hands rose immediately to catch me and I let myself be tucked into her body as she kissed me wildly. My tongue spoke softly with hers again while my fingers moved across the furs to touch her thigh. She moaned low at their brushing up her leg and I kissed her harder a moment while I inched her dress up out of the way._

 _"Clarke.." She moaned pulling lightly on my hair._

 _I groaned low back and pulled a hand up to pin hers to the bed. I pushed my other around down between our bodies. My fingers edged down her toned waist to the heat below it pressing against my stomach. My mouth watered a little feeling her hot and wet beneath me._

 _Lexa threw her head back suddenly, eyes closed tight as she bit her lip. I moaned at the look on her face and continued with my hand until she was crying out beneath me..._

* * *

"Clarke ... Clarke!"

I jerked awake and snapped my eyes open. A dream? That had seriously been a dream?!

Disappointment filled my chest. How could that have been a dream?

I got gently shaken again.I swallowed against my rushed breaths and felt a flood of embarrassment hit me when I looked over my shoulder at her sat beside me on the edge of the bed. Lexa's hand was on my clammy shoulder, still now after her rousing me awake. Her green eyes flowed warmly down at me as she took in my startled expression.

 _What the hell is she doing in my room?!_

Lexa started to smile at me and it had me filling with nervous butterflies. Then I realised why she might be smiling and felt myself fill with dread.

 _Oh god!_

I'd just had a very explicit sex dream about the commander and she'd been sitting here watching me. I begged and begged that I had been silent inside my dreams of her. God forbid she watched me moan out after her.

Lexa tipped her head to the side while I silently panicked and she gave me a slight smile. Her hand reached forward and I flinched a little as her fingers tucked my hair away from my face. She gave me a tiny frown for my reaction before she quickly rose to her feet.

"You were having a nightmare" she told me as she stood back into her commander stance. Her tone was hard for some reason. Like she was trying to mask her feelings.

 _She's worried,_ I realised seeing her eyes searching my face. I thought back over my dream, to the moment when she'd asked if I'd had a nightmare. To the moment her arms encased me in safety. It was only too tempting to approach her and pull her against me like that. But I knew the commander of my dreams was very different to the real one standing before me. Her worry would be all I got from her.

I swallowed against the ache starting up in me and sat myself up. I gave her a confused look when I looked back at her and noticed she was dressed in her usual clothes and armour.

"You should be resting" I told her in an annoyed voice that replicated a doctor telling off their patient. It made me cringe. I sounded like my mom.

Lexa smiled and gave me a stubborn look.

"I haven't time to rest, Clarke. Important things call my attention and as the commander I am subject to answer them"

I frowned up at her. My mind was still heavy from my dream. I could barely keep up with her. Lexa noticed and took a step towards me smiling to the ground. My heart bounced seeing her smile like that. She looked so carefree for a moment. I wondered what she would look like wearing that sort of smile all the time.

 _Maybe one day soon I'll know,_ I thought as I turned my mind again to the hope of peace we were still searching for. My calming heart fell heavy in my chest. Sometimes it always felt too far away.

"I had hoped you would be awake" she told me calling my attention back. She strode forward again and stopped by the bed.

I looked back at her curiously, "Why?"

"A problem has come up regarding the ambassadors" she informed sharply, "As an ambassador yourself I need your assistance"

"My assistance?" I repeated skeptically. Lexa never asked for my help before. Usually she acted like she loathed to have it.

I narrowed my eyes at her answering smile and rose off the bed to stand in front of her. Her eyes steadily held mine. Though I saw them shake a little down my body for a brief second before snapping back to my face. I shivered but told myself it was the cold of the room. Not the closeness of the commander.

"What problem?" I asked her fearing the other clans had decided to stand by their decision to cast her out as commander. But had that happened I knew she wouldn't be stood here waiting for me to wake up. She'd probably be back out in that arena fighting a new challenger. My heart throbbed imagining it.

"We will discuss it later" she told me turning to walk to the shelves beside the window. I frowned at her back when she bent down to collect something.

 _What's she up to?_

 _You can trust her,_ my heart reminded. I didn't seem too enthused though.

Lexa turned and held something out to me. I looked down to take it and held it up. It was a jacket. Like the one I'd replaced my space jacket with. Except it looked old. Really old. The leather felt soft and had faded years ago into a dusky black. But it looked strong and still able to hold against the cold and rain. I twisted it about in my grip and admired the red slashes on the sleeves. They crossed around the leather, entwining the arms and wrists like veins. I held it up closer to touch the fabric that made the hood. It was torn a little there and I could see traces of old dried blood staining the stitching. I looked back at the commander with questions in my eyes.

"It was mine" she told me with a new smile for my replying shock, "Anya gifted it to me after her travel across the dead zone. She'd picked it up in an empty building there. I wore it as her second.." Her voice shook a little before she stood straighter and set her jaw, "And now you will wear it" she said strongly in a voice that made me question whether I had a choice.

I peered down at it in my hand and I smiled a little. I was trying to imagine Lexa wearing this as a young leader training under Anya. I was touched she would give me something that obviously meant a lot to her. But the reason why she had still escaped me. I looked back at her with suspicious eyes.

"Wear it as what?" I asked curiously as I tried the jacket on. It slid smoothly over my body and it surprised me how light it felt. I looked down at it covering my arms and smiled. It fit perfectly.

Lexa admired me a moment before she held my eyes again. They sparkled with her answer but she refused to tell me. Instead she bowed her head to me and told me she would wait downstairs for me.

"For what?" I asked quickly before could leave the room. Lexa looked back at me and gave me a wicked smile.

"Your training begins today, Clarke"

I stared after her and could only watch as she did her best to hide her slight limp out of the room. How could she believe she was well enough to train? She could just about walk!

I shook my head to myself and stripped the jacket off. I laid it down on the bed and stared at it. I worried what Lexa had in mind when she gave it to me. She always did things for a reason. Her giving me something that represented being something as important as Heda in training made me nervous.

I turned my back on it and quickly changed myself into my pants and a long sleeve shirt. My shoulder twinged a little when the cotton rolled over the still healing wounds there. I touched a hand to it and hissed at the ache it brought on. I wasn't sure how I would train with it. Raising my arms would open the wounds. I didn't want to aggravate the marks any further. I was already worried that they were infected.

 _Don't be weak,_ my thoughts whispered. I glared at the floor as I pulled my boots on. I wasn't being weak. I was being smart.

 _Smart or scared?_ They questioned back cruelly.

I ignored them. I decided to tell Lexa training could wait. For herself to heal and for me. We would only be prolonging our suffering if we strained our wounds. She wouldn't like it but I knew she would see the sense in my suggestion. I would seek her out and tell her then I would go clean my shoulder straight after. Maybe I could even seek out Nyko to dress it for me.

I finished tying my boots and with a last yawn collected my blue jacket and made my way out of the room. I didn't want to ruin lexa's gift by wearing it everywhere. And I got the feeling by wearing it I would be showing myself as something other than Wanheda to the other grounders. Like it meant a rise in my station. I doubted anybody else ever got Lexa's cast offs. I just worried she'd be insulted if I didn't wear it.

I bit my lip with indecision before I turned from the red jacket and slipped into my other one.

 _She'll understand._

 _I hope._

I opened the door but stopped short outside it. I looked back with a hard frown at the new guard stood watching my room. My eyes ran his face and then his strange outfit. I didn't recognise him or the clan he was born from. He peered back at me warily for my staring.

 _"Where's Jes?_ " I asked him.

He shrugged in reply and said something to me in another language completely. I realised then he couldn't speak English or tree slang.

 _Why would Lexa give me a guard that couldn't understand me?_

I mulled the question over in my mind as I strode away and made my way down the stairs with my new guard following. Jes had so far protected me fine. Why did Lexa feel the need to replace her? I strode stronger down the stairs. I would ask her myself.

I paused a floor down and wondered where exactly Lexa was. She hadn't given me a specific place. Just told me downstairs. I wasn't sure whether to go down to the ground or go to her room. I glanced back at the guard.

"Lexa..?" I asked uncertain.

He tipped his head at his commanders name and gave me an annoyed growl for using it. I swallowed. I forgot only those close to the commander were allowed to use her name. Others simply called her Heda.

 _I'm sort of close to her..._

 _Yeah,_ my heart laughed throwing me a memory of my dream, _real close._

"Do you know where Heda is or not?" I growled at him impatiently.

He took a step towards me and I immediately backed up away from him. His arms uncrossed from his chest and I watched them bulge when he flexed his muscles in threat.

I glared up at him, "Forget it" I told him turning to the stairs.

I walked down a few flights with him following a few steps behind. I wished he would go away already. I could find Lexa on my own.

"Will you just go away already?!" I sighed turning back to him after another few steps.

He tilted his head at me before he shook it. He spoke to me, saying something I couldn't understand. His voice rolled over the word Heda a few times and I quickly got the message. I shook my hand at him

"I will be fine. Heda knows that" He frowned deeply at me so I smiled at him, "Im fine. Go do whatever it is you guys do. Just leave. Please"

His eyes followed my point behind him and then glanced over my shoulder. I could see him weigh out his options. He huffed deeply on his spin back up the stairs.

I blew out a deep breath and returned to my own walk. Now I could think in peace.

My thoughts turned constantly as I walked down to the ground. Over my dream. Over lexa's gift. Over Roan and whether the Ice Nation were at peace with us now their leader had been replaced. I'd spent most of yesterday after tending to lexa's wounds worrying over his new position as king. I'd wanted it for him. But now he had it I worried he would be pressured into seeking revenge for his mothers murder. Would he stand as his own leader, or would he fall to the screams of his people?

 _Time will tell,_ my mind soothed. I sighed. Time was something I felt got less and less for us all every day.

I strode down the last set of stairs and strode to a warrior standing guard at the entrance. I asked him if he'd seen the commander today. He nodded and pointed with his sword out to the fields. I nodded and pulled my jacket straight as I walked out into the sunshine.

The market was full and lively as i walked through it. I found myself looking up and catching people smiling at me, some even calling my name. It felt strange, surreal even, to go from public enemy to hero in a matter of one night. I still found their appraisals overwhelming.

I ducked out of the crowd merging around me and walked away towards the stables to breathe. Lexa's stallion immediately trotted over to see me.

I smiled and patted his nose, "You know anything about this jacket thing?" I asked him and he sniffed my empty hands in reply, "I guess not" I sighed laughing a little when he moved his head back to sniff at my hair. I pushed his head back and rested mine against it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Hey!"

I jumped and turned with my hand leaving the horse immediately. I remembered what I'd been told about touching the commander's horse.

Straight away I felt relieved and annoyed at the warrior responsible for the shouting. I met Jes' big grin for me as she rode over on her own horse. Monroe was with her. Jes leapt down from her horse when she reached me. Monroe copied her and moved forward to take jes' reins. The warrior gave them and quickly strode over to me,

"There she is," she beamed, "How are you today, wanheda?"

I rolled my eyes at her, "I told you to call me Clarke"

She nodded, "Yes, but Clarke is not nearly as fearsome as Wanheda" she teased bumping my shoulder.

I sighed at her and turned back to the paddock. Lexa's horse had trotted over to the gate to receive Jes'. He sniffed the other horse in vague interest before he moved away to graze. It reminded me a little of watching Lexa receive a report from one of her warriors. It made me smile.

"Where were you today?" I asked Jes as I watched the horses. I looked back at her lack of reply, "I had a different guard"

Jes blew out a long breath and leant against the fence beside me, "I have been moved off guard duty. Now I run patrols" Her voice dipped bitterly and she was glaring down at the fence like having to run patrol was the worst job to have.

I turned back to her. I felt bad. Like it was my fault somehow.

"Hey it beats babysitting me right?" I joked aiming for a smile. I didn't get one. Jes stood straight and glanced back at Monroe.

"I have to go" she told me, "Monroe is my second now and it is my responsibility to see her trained in time for her trials"

I nodded and gave Monroe a slight smile at her nervous expression when she heard her name mentioned. She nodded back at me. I made a reminder for myself to seek her out later. I wanted to know why she had joined the grounders and if she'd heard anything from home. And I was intrigued to know about these trials.

"I wonder," I glanced back at jes, "Would you like to hunt with me some time, clarke? I hear stories from the trading post of your skill as a huntress"

I stared back at her and my stomach flipped, "You know Niylah?"

She nodded with a smile, "We are old friends. She has asked after you many times since your arrival in Polis"

My shoulder tingled as I thought again about that night I'd shared with Niylah. I was worried she'd told people about that. I didn't want word of it getting back to lexa. Nothing in Jes' eyes hinted she'd heard of anything other than my hunting. I just had to pray Niylah kept it a secret.

I looked back at Jes and gave her a brief nod.

"Hunting sounds good" I told her honestly with a smile. A part of me did crave to be out in the wilderness again. I missed the silent freedom of it.

Jes beamed at me with my answer but her smile quickly fell when she glanced over my shoulder. I looked too and stumbled back a step from her. Lexa was stood by the stable wall watching us unimpressed. I'd forgotten all about her training.

"I gotta go!" I called quickly and ran over to the commander. I heard monroe laugh at my scramble to get away and jes' reproach to her second after.

Lexa watched me run toward her. She looked down at me unamused when I skidded to a stop in front of her. I swallowed guiltily and gave her a nervous smile in apology. Her eyes travelled back towards Jes and Monroe and I saw them ring darkly for a moment.

" _Come"_ she ordered turning to walk into the market. I took a deep breath and followed.

She lead me through the market streets, this time with no crowds calling out to me. They stood away from the commander, scared she would punish them if they got too close. But still they called out to her and gave her their thanks for winning the fight against Roan. I smiled a little at her back as she walked silently through them all. I bet she was smiling too. In her own way.

"This way" she called walking down a new street and to the woods edging the city.

I frowned and turned my head towards the path opposite to the one she was taking. The one I had walked on our first session. I pointed it out to her,

"That is where the Nightbloods train" she told me, leading me through the trees.

"So where are we going?" I asked.

"To where I train" She told me gruffly.

I remained quiet after that. I knew she was pissed I'd been late to meet her. I decided to let her walk it off rather than talk it out.

My eyes travelled her back as she walked, taking in her strong frame under the black fabric of her shirt. It shook a little with her walk. Like moving was hurting her enough to cause her muscles to spasm. I couldn't help but admire her silence through the pain. And hate it too. I wish she wouldn't hide it.

 _She's too stubborn and proud to admit it hurts,_ I sighed to myself. My heart bumped unevenly in my chest as if it felt her torture.

I moved my eyes towards the middle of her spine where her ribs met and wondered if the healers had set them right yesterday after Titus had had me banished from her side. Maybe I could talk her into letting me look at them later. I didn't like the idea of her walking around in this obvious pain all day. I wanted to help relieve it in some way.

I frowned deep in my thoughts and stared at my boots as they climbed over thick tree roots after the commander. I slipped a little once with a surprised gasp and snapped my head up to the hand suddenly gripping my elbow tightly. She'd been watching my walk then.

I looked up at her and smiled a thanks. Lexa quickly released me. She nodded over to the gap in the trees ahead. I took the hint and walked towards it.

The sun shone brightly in my eyes when I broke away from the trees. I blinked a few times and raised my hand to shield my eyes while I looked around. I stared at the massive field and all the trees growing in lines along the length of it. I was transfixed by all the multiple colours in the leaves of the different trees. I pushed my vision further and saw fruit of some kind growing from the leaves of some of them.

I began walking without Lexa, my curiosity driving me through the tall grass to approach the line of trees. I took a step towards the one closest and stared up at the strange food dangling in the purple leaved branches above. Footsteps followed and I heard the grass stalks slide against her legs as she shadowed me.

Lexa stopped beside me and I saw take in my awed expression before I saw her arm raise. She stretched a little and picked a fruit. She handed it to me with a gentle smile for my curiosity.

I took it from her and rolled it in my hands. It looked a large bean with a green and black skin. It felt hard and heavy at first but when I pressed my fingers into it the skin around it gave a little. What was it?

"Its called an _Asaipaw_ " she told me bending to her boot for her knife. I looked down at her then stared at the fruit. I rolled it in front of my eyes.

" _Asaipaw.."_ I repeated slowly to get the pronunciation right. She nodded as she stood and took it from my hands.

"In the old world they called them Pawpaws" she explained.

"Why?" I asked staring at the fruit as she cut into it with her knife.

"Because..." she frowned in concentration and prised her knife up, cutting the fruit in half. She laughed when I recoiled from the smell. It smelt like garbage!

Lexa handed me a half and pointed at the pattern the black seeds made down the centre of the fleshy pulp, "They look like little paws" she said simply.

I looked down at them and touched the little bumps with my finger. They did look like paws. Like a tiny animal had stepped through the middle of the fruit.

"You can eat it" she told me, smirking a little at my disgusted expression. I shook my head at her. I was not eating something that stunk that bad.

"No thanks" I mumbled offering it up for her to take back. She laughed again and pushed it back into my hand.

"Try it" She cut a piece of the pulp with her knife and dropped it into my palm. I looked down at it apprehensively. She just watched me and waited.

 _Here goes.._

I held my breath and tipped the fruit into my mouth. I was instantly surprised by the creamy texture. And the way it tasted. It was so sweet! Like a dried fruit I'd tried once back on the Ark.

Lexa was smiling smugly at me when I looked back at her in surprise.

"What do you think?" she asked wiping her knife clean on her sleeve. I swallowed the fruit down and smiled at her.

"Its delicious" I said touching the soft pulp on the piece I held. I drew a line through it and raised it to inspect closer. Lexa watched me with amused eyes.

"Wait until they're ready for picking" she said turning back to the other trees, "It will taste even better"

I smiled at her and followed her to another tree, "What is this place?" I asked turning in a circle to take in all the colours. I wanted to see and remember everything.

Lexa followed me, still with her amused smile, as I walked inside the tall grass to different trees. I touched the bark of the new ones I met, hands memorising the texture and colour of the wood under my fingertips. Some I recognised from my time in the wilderness. Others I had seen in books. I wanted to ask her about all of them. I wanted to know their names and their history. My mind thirsted for the knowledge.

"Its called an orchard" Lexa answered, "We turn out a field and plant rows of trees to grow fruit. Its what helps keep Polis sustained in the summer months"

"Orchard" I whispered the new word and looked up at the small leaves on the tree above my head. I saw a fruit I recognised and jumped to snag it. I heard Lexa laugh gently to herself while I rolled the apple in my hands. I beamed at her.

"Thank you for bringing me here" I told her looking around at the open space around us. I was impressed by the grounders knowledge of the earth. They seemed to have a firm grasp on farming seasons.

 _Soon Skaikru could hold that knowledge too_ , I thought remembering our alliance. It warmed me to think of my people farming alongside the grounders. Like our ancestors had years before us.

I closed my eyes to enjoy the light breeze tickling my skin and let out a content sigh at the peace warming my skin. I felt more free here than I had anywhere.

"Im glad you enjoyed it" I heard her say. Her voice seemed heavy again and full of emotion.

I looked back at the commander and smiled at her smiling at me. I nodded and tipped my head back. I more than enjoyed this.

Lexa watched me a moment before she coughed. I peered back at her and saw her looking at me apologetically.

"However," she started striding through the grass towards me, "This wasn't an intentional stop" she pointed behind me, "The training field is just over there"

I looked back to where she pointed and felt my mood drop a little. I guess I'd been hoping a little that she'd lured me out here for training just because she'd wanted to show me the orchards.

 _Maybe next time,_ my heart sighed.

I nodded to Lexa and started to walk .She walked beside me with quiet steps that mirrored her expression. She looked deep in thought. I bounced the apple in my hand as we walked. I was thinking warmly of her smiling at my experience in the orchard. She'd looked like she'd enjoyed sharing that moment with me. I knew I had. I was glad she'd been the one to show it to me.

I threw the apple to her after a while of silent walking. She caught it quickly without looking. I felt my jaw drop a little for her reflexes but quickly settled my expression when she tilted her head to me and passed me a questioning smile. I stepped closer to walk at her side.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her as I watched her limp around a tree. She peered back at me and gave me a stern look for asking.

"Im fine" she told me.

I glanced down at her fingers shaking by her side and sighed to myself. It was tempting to pull her aside and point out her struggle to walk straight but I knew it wouldn't be worth it. She would only ignore my concern.

"What was this problem with the ambassadors?" I asked her cautiously instead. Lexa looked down at the apple in her hand and threw it back to me.

"Many of them are being called back to their clans" she told me tiredly, "Their leaders may return them"

"And if they don't?" I got the feeling that losing the ambassadors wasn't as good an idea as I thought. Lexa glanced back at me.

"It could mean the clans are taking back their loyalty by reclaiming their presence at the commanders council"

Her eyes searched through the grass as she continued her long strides through it. She looked worried. Like she believed that was the main reason behind the ambassadors leaving.

"Or?" I prompted hoping for another reason. She let out a breath.

"Or the leaders are replacing them"

"Thats not so bad though" I tried positively. New ambassadors meant a chance of having support from those who were loyal to the commander. Lexa looked back at me like I was mad.

"Those ambassadors have been at my council since before I became Heda. That meant I already had their loyalty when the commanders spirit chose me. Do you believe I would have the loyalty of these new ambassadors? After all they they have seen me do in my campaign for peace? After I let you live?"

I felt a tremble shake down my back with the last bit and I swallowed heavily before I nodded my understanding. She worried she would have to fight to have their support. We walked on a bit more before I spoke my thoughts.

"Surely if their leaders are loyal... Should they not be as well?"

Lexa shook her head with a sad smile, "You think Luna and Kiki were a part of that revolt against me?"

"No" From that war meeting alone I could tell the two women were firm friends with Lexa. They would have never betrayed her. It made me worry for their ambassadors. Surely they would be punished when they returned home. And for doing something that they believed had been the right choice for their people.

 _Its like nobody wins._

I frowned heavily down at the ground as we continued to walk. I didn't know what to suggest to her. My advice wouldn't help her in any way.

 _At least she still has Skaikru's original ambassador._

Lexa pulled my attention back when she leapt up suddenly.

I stopped and watched her easily climb a fence in front of us into another field. She turned and raised a hand to help me over. I looked past her to the field. The grass had been flattened. Here and there I could see moulds indented in. Outlines of bodies that had been slammed to the ground and wrestled in fights. I could see a shed standing alone down a slope ahead of us. And just beyond that stood a couple dummies looking sad and pathetic in the sunlight. I peered back at the orchard behind me and decided Lexa had a pretty good eye for choosing a peaceful secluded place to train.

I threw the apple down and braced my foot against the fence and heaved myself up. She stretched her hand out a little more and I gripped it when I twisted over the fence. Lexa was still holding onto me after I'd hopped down. I looked down at her fingers gripping mine and then up at her. My heart picked up under her warm touch and I struggled to know whether to let go or not. She realised the problem then and quickly stood away from me.

"This way" she mumbled. I let out a long breath and followed her.

Lexa strode down the slight slope towards the shed and told me to wait while she went inside it. I took off my jacket while I waited and looked back at the orchard. Man did I wish I was back there now.

"Catch"

I turned my head and jumped when the stave she'd thrown hit me in the arm. She shook her head when it fell to the ground. I quickly bent to retrieve it.

"So whats todays lesson?" I asked twirling the stick in my hand. Secretly I was hoping for today to go quick and easy.

Lexa watched me a moment and then suddenly came at me. I jumped back in surprise and caught her stick against mine. She smiled in approval.

"No lessons today" she replied pulling herself away from me, "I want to assess you a little more"

My skin tingled and I swallowed to myself.

Lexa's eyes ran down to my feet and I could see her watch them move when she lunged forward suddenly. She nodded to whatever thought she was listening to as she analysed my stumble back and then she looked up at me. There was a determined fire in her eyes all of a sudden and it made me nervous and excited all at once.

"Ready?"

I felt a roll of nervousness hit me but forced myself to pull on a brave face as I nodded strongly back at her. This time I was determined to outdo ' _some skill'_ in her books. I wanted to impress her.

Lexa held my eyes a moment before she moved a step forward.

I tensed ready for her to strike and was surprised by the light tap that barely brushed my shoulder. She threw me a smirk after and stepped to my right. I narrowed my eyes and took a step with her. She hesitated then and I mirrored her. She looked back at me amused and then swung her stave. Her hit was harder but just. I blocked it easy.

"Good!" She praised and our staves crossed paths again. I pushed her away and she leapt back and swung heavy. I ducked her swipe and breathed a little hard with a slight smile. She matched it and then swung again. This time I felt her full strength behind the attack and it had me stumbling a little backwards.

"Don't smile until your enemy is dead" she told me hitting hard against my block.

She leant back and came at me again, hitting once and then spinning on her heel to hit my undefended side. I caught her stave on my hip and cried out at the sharp pain it sent down my leg. She looked unapologetic as she moved to attack again. I rubbed my new bruise and quickly raised the stave in my hands to take her hit above my head. She nodded happy with my block and told me to take a turn to attack. I hesitated. I didn't want to hurt her.

"I would not hesitate to attack you, Clarke" she reminded strongly. I nodded.

"But I haven't got broken ribs and a fucked hand" I replied tightening my hold on the stick as I paced to the left. Her eyes followed me intently.

"I would if you had though" I stared at her and she smiled, "It matters not who the enemy is. Forming emotional ties with them only complicates the kill" She strode forward and poked the end of her stave just above my heart, "It matters what they did to make them your enemy"

"Is that what you told yourself when you killed Gustus?" I asked as gently as I could. I knew she still hurt over killing him.

Lexa's eyes dulled a little away from me and she nodded.

"Yes"

I felt my heart sting inside my chest and I took a step closer to comfort her in some way. Lexa moved away though and told me to carry on with the training. I was disappointed she was still quick to shut off against me but I understood.

I did as she wanted and swung my stave against her. She caught my attack easy and pushed me back a couple steps. My shoulder ached a little but I went back at her again.

Lexa's eyes moved all over me as I twisted about practicing jabs and swing shots. I knew she was watching how I moved and planning how she would train me to better myself. Still, it didn't stop me feeling flushed and tingly.

"Swing harder, Clarke" she pushed with an annoyed voice when it became obvious I wasn't trying. I glared back at her. Couldn't she see I didn't want to hurt her?

Lexa's expression darkened at my flat out refusal and she slammed her stave harshly against my side. I winced but refused to cry out over it.

"If I must get you angry to do this I will" she told me with a silent promise of talking about the mountain threatened my way.

I felt my glare sharpen back at her. My hand tightened painfully on my stave. It angered me how she would easily use that against me. Especially when she was to blame for it.

 _No, she isn't_ , My heart bumped trying to calm me before I lost my temper with her. Lexa gave me a slight smile and it only fed my anger more. I knew she was only doing it for a reaction but it still felt like a dare in my mind.

 _Yes, she is._

My arms swung powerfully up and then dived hard down at her head. She raised her stave to catch my blow but only just managed it. I watched on in surprise when she went down to her knee from the force of it. Her eyes moved from her hands holding my stave off her to my face. I could see them swell with pride around her surprise.

I stood back immediately in shock. I didn't know I could do that.

Lexa rose to her feet in front of me with a smile.

She nodded at me, "Again"

We spent a long time after that circling one another with hard hits that shook bruises into my skin and hers. I slowly grew less and less worried about causing her harm and more eager to hit her with my attacks. Each time I managed to land one I got this massive sense of strength in myself. And Lexa's continual smiles of praise kept me hungry for more.

"We need to talk about Prince Roan" she said through a strained voice as I pushed my stave again towards her side. She blocked it but I could see her trembling under my weight pushing on her. She was becoming exhausted from straining her body too much. I knew she wouldn't handle much more.

I backed off and doubled over in a heavy pant. I ached everywhere from the training. My shoulder was practically on fire. Sweat rolled down my face and I wiped it out of my eyes before I looked up at her. She looked just as tired as me.

"King Roan" I corrected with a tired smile at her huff back at me.

"King" she grumbled with a disgusted expression. She threw her stave down and wiped her sleeve across her face, "He is set to return to his people within the day"

"And you fear repercussions for his mother's death" I guessed throwing my stave down too. Lexa nodded and breathed heavy as she rubbed her side.

"He is under my control within the city. Back in his kingdom I fear the power may go to the little king's head"

I breathlessly chuckled at her obvious dislike for Roan and shook my head at her, "I think he will stay loyal"

She stared back at me and tilted her head, "How can you be sure?"

"Because he seems honourable" Lexa scoffed but I ignored her to walk back to her, "Think about it, Lexa. He could have killed you in that fight. But he didn't. He hesitated"

"Not through honour" She argued. I rolled my eyes at her and forced myself to stand up.

"You just don't like him"

"With good reason" she growled moving much closer into my space.

I frowned up at her. I didn't get why she hated Roan so much. He was not his mother. And I told her so.

"They are all the same" she breathed back angrier.

Her chest was heaving with her deep breaths. She looked furious all of a sudden. It made me wonder what Roan could have possibly done to make Lexa hate him so much.

I locked her eyes, "You said the same about skaikru once.."

Her stormy eyes calmed a little then. I looked down at the thin slither of air between us and reached down to grip her fingers.

I stroked my thumb across their tips and looked up again,

"And me"

Lexa breathed slowly out and nodded at me. She understood what I meant. She saw I was right. Her slow gentle look for me told me her apology and I accepted it with a gentle squeeze to her hand. I decided then to tell her something that had been bugging me all day.

"I thought Roan would kill you" Her eyes rushed over my face and I felt my voice leave me when I added, "I thought you were going to die"

Lexa stared down at me. Her eyes searched mine intently before she clasped my fingers back. My breath hitched in my throat and I swear I heard hers do the same. She gave me a slight smile and brushed her thumb across my jaw. I tingled pleasantly beneath her touch and met her eyes as I waited for her to tell me again that she wouldn't have died because she was the commander.

"I thought I would die too"

My heart stung terribly with her confession. I hadn't been expecting it at all. It hurt to think that she, the great commander who had assured me tirelessly that she would win that fight, had, at one point, believed she would die. It made me ache.

"What stopped you?" I asked holding my breath against the fear in me. In my mind I was replaying the fight to catch the moment where she believed it would end. I wanted to know what had given her strength in what would have been her weakest moment.

Lexa's eyes slipped back to me and she bowed her head a little, forehead just brushing mine.

"You did" she whispered huskily.

I swallowed and felt my eyes close. It was hard to resist her in that moment. It was hard to separate the real lexa from my dream version of her. I wanted badly to wrap my arms around her and slip inside the safety of her body. But I couldnt.

I let my hand curl tighter around hers in response instead until I felt her grip shake beneath mine. I opened my eyes to look back at her and saw the pain in them. She raised her hand in my grip and we both looked to the blood seeping up through the bandage crossing her palm.

"Shit!" I gasped and cupped her hand in both of mine, "Lexa, Im so sorry!"

I peeled the bandage off to look at it. My eyes glared at the poor stitching the healers had left her with.

Lexa's eyes watched me and she had a smile at my fussing. She gently took her hand back and used it to tip my chin up so I looked at her.

"Its fine, Clarke. But we should probably return to the city now. I have to see Roan before he leaves"

I frowned at her. I wanted to argue that she should have her hand seen to first.

"Titus can deal with that" I told her strongly as I reached up to the shoulder stitching on my shirt sleeve. I tore it down over my hand and wound it around her hand to stop the bleeding. Lexa's eyes warmed down at me. She shook her head.

"Titus is not heda" she told me strongly in a voice that said she refused to allow somebody else to do her job for her.

"Lexa, if I don't sort your hand out now-"

"I'm sure I will live" she smiled brightly back at me, "I've had worse" she whispered taking hold of my elbow to make me walk with her to the fence. I smiled despite being pissed. She was right.

"I'm stitching that hand the second we get back" I warned her strongly. She took in my determined look for her and nodded her agreement.

"Im sure you will want to see the rest of my wounds while you're at it" She sighed leaping easily over the fence in one smooth motion. Her arm braced her chest as she turned back to me.

I shook my head at her offer of a hand over and stared at her midsection. I had a horrible feeling her hand wasn't the only neglect the healers had given her yesterday.

I nodded at her and climbed over the fence, "Starting with those ribs"

She smirked darkly at me and leant her head down down as I stepped down from the fence to whisper in my ear, "Make sure its a thorough examination"

She was only joking. But tell that to my freaking heart.

* * *

"King Roan of Azgeda" Lexa greeting echoed around the throne room as he walked in.

I heard him walk through the doors but kept my eyes trained on Lexa's hand as I pushed the new stitches into it. The door shut behind the king and I saw Lexa raise her other hand to point at the chair opposite the dais where we sat.

I glanced up at his slow limping steps towards us. His eyes briefly flitted my way as he sat down and I winced a little to myself at the blood covering the iris in his left one. Then I looked down at the dark and swollen bruising smothering the bottom half of his face. He looked like shit.

 _Bet he feels it too,_ I thought meeting his eyes with a curt nod to him. I returned to my stitching while they began their talk. I wouldn't be part of their meeting. I was here as a healer only. Not an advisor.

"As the new king of the Ice Nation you are required to bow to me" Lexa informed him coldly. Silence answered her.

Her fingers curled in a little towards my stitching when Roan remained quiet and the secret anger shaking in her hand made me look back at him. He was staring at her as if she wasn't there. It made me wonder if the fight had somehow given him brain damage. I held my breath and kept looking between them, waiting for one to speak.

"Wanheda" His eyes turned to me, "I want to take this opportunity while I am still in the capital to formally apologise for my treatment of you before. It was not honourable. But war... It makes us lose sense of honour" His eyes slid coldly back to Lexa then.

 _He's pissed about his mom..._

 _But he wanted to help you kill her,_ my mind reasoned confused.

I frowned heavily. What was his angle here?

Roan offered me a half smile,

"I wanted to make amends by inviting you back to the court of Azgeda with me"

"She'll go nowhere with you!" Lexa snarled viciously at him.

I looked up at her sudden reaction. Anybody else would see her expression as one of rage. I could see her panic though. She worried I would go with him. I squeezed her fingertips.

Im _not going anywhere_ , I thought to her. I had no interest in leaving with Roan. She glanced back at me and I saw her calm a little inside my reassurance before she looked back to deal with the king.

"You have two choices here, Roan" she told him harshly with a glare, "You can either bow to me here and now. Or you can not bow. In which case your nation will be declared enemies of Polis and you will face the wrath of the armies of the twelve clans"

Even I trembled from her threat. My attention moved back to him and I could see him consider her offer before he tipped his head.

"My people will not be happy" He began slowly.

"Thats not my problem" Lexa snarled back.

I brushed my thumb over her wrist, begging her to be a little compassionate here. He was in a difficult situation. She couldn't expect him to work miracles.

Her jaw clenched and I could tell she would not throw him a bone this time. Looking between them I could feel the mutual hate spark and it sent me panicking to maintain peace.

"Your people understand grounder beliefs" I spoke up quickly. In the corner of my eye i could see Lexa look back at me curiously.

He nodded at me, "Of course"

"Then blood has had blood" I told him with anger in my glare, "Your mother killed my people-"

"Yes" he agreed, " _Your_ people"

"And they were already Lexa's people when that mountain blew up" I told him angrily through my pain, "And you know that. So you'll return to your people and you will tell them your mother died at the justice of the commander in reparation to her actions against Skaikru"

They both stared back at me. Lexa I knew was giving me an impressed proud look. Roan however looked close to how he'd looked in the field that day with that scouting party. His bloodshot eyes fixed permanently on my face. Trying to decide whether I meant what i said it if it was some trick by Lexa.

I sat straighter under his scrutiny, drawing strength from lexa's warm skin beneath my fingers. Roan nodded at me after a couple more seconds and strode over to us. Lexa lifted her chin and gave him a cold look that said she was ready to receive his bow. He ignored her though and turned to me.

"I pledge the allegiance of Azgeda to Wanheda"

I stared down at him in shock as he went to his knees in front of me. I looked back at Lexa who looked equally shocked. Roan gave me a slight smile when he raised his head back,

"My fealty is sworn to you alone, Wanheda. I swear to always be loyal to you and yours. To protect you when called and to die when told. _May the gods chew me to pieces if I break my oath"_

 _Well... Shit.._

"I-...I-... Um..." I looked back at Lexa for help but seeing her furious expression I knew I wouldn't get any. I nodded to Roan instead and he climbed awkwardly back to his feet.

Lexa took her hand back and slowly rose to her feet in front of him.

 _"Do you mean to play games little king?_ " she snarled moving down the dais with heavy steps weighed in anger. I quickly scrambled up after her. I knew if I didn't stop her I would be watching them fight to the death again.

"Lexa-" She spoke louder over me.

"If you fail to bow to me this second, I'll have your head!" She nodded at her guards and I told them all to stop. This wasn't her. She was letting her anger make her irrational.

The guards hesitated and I expected lexa to turn on me for laying orders. She didn't. Her attention was set entirely on the king before her. Roan glared down at her. I shook my head frantically at him and silently begged him to do as she said.

"I'll make you a deal" he growled leaning over her a little, "You apologise to me and then I'll bow"

I shook my head at him again. He wasn't helping things by making demands.

" _I am heda. I apologise to no-one_ " she growled slowly back. He leant away and began limping back to the door.

 _"You have your answer then"_

He strode to the door and lexa called out to her guards to hold him. I took her wrist when they grabbed him and I made her look at me.

"Lexa, we need him. He's our only hope of avoiding a war with the ice nation"

"We can find another way" she argued back, "He is arrogant-"

"You can be too sometimes!" I cried frustrated. She glared but I wasn't about to apologise, "Just make him a compromise'

"The last compromise I made him had his mother's army at my city's reach" she looked back at the guards pulling roan back to us, "I wont make that mistake again"

The guards dragged roan forward and shoved him to stand in front of lexa. He watched her walk up to him and he listened to her lay down her terms again. I could see he would refuse again. He would not bow.

 _He did to you_ , my head whispered and suddenly I knew what to do.

"Bow to her" I ordered him sternly.

The two leaders looked back at me. So did the guards. I ignored the heat of embarrassment rolling over me and gave him a stern look to show I meant it.

I told him, "Bow to your commander or retract your oath to me"

Roan's eyes locked mine and I watched as he slowly sank to his knee in front of her. He bowed his head and in a heavy voice reluctantly pledged fealty to her and the clans. My heart lifted in relief when she accepted his pledge and I let out a long deep breath at avoiding war again.

 _Too close,_ I breathed setting my fear down.

Lexa motioned for him to stand, ordering the guards forward to help the king. He limped awkwardly on the spot and met my eyes with grudging respect. I didnt care if he hated me for it. I did what i had to do.

"You and your people may go" lexa told him. She returned to the dais and i saw her back tense up as before she turned back to him, "You are expected to leave by sunrise tomorrow. As tradition calls myself and my warriors will escort your band to the woodland borders"

He nodded at her and turned but she wasn't finished,

"A few of my warriors will be escorting you all the way to Azgeda" His eyes snapped back to her and she continued, "To make sure your army returns home safely of course"

He looked angry again but nodded his consent. I worried briefly which warriors would be going.

"Go prepare your people" she told him, "We leave Polis before sunrise"

"So soon?" he questioned tipping his head a little, "Some might think you were eager to be rid of us" I glared with lexa at the king for his comment and he smirked briefly before he turned serious again, "What of my mother's body?"

"That belongs to Skaikru" Lexa snapped back. I stared at her but she kept her eyes on him, "You know the death rights. The body must be burned with Wanheda's people"

I swallowed. That meant the body had to go back to Arkadia. And as ambassador I knew she would tell me to take it there. I trembled thinking about going back there and seeing them all. I couldn't. I couldn't do that.

I vaguely heard Lexa dismiss the king and I quietly returned to sit beside her on the dais steps. She held her hand up for me to continue my stitching while the king was escorted out. I sat there in the awkward silence that followed. i didn't know what she was thinking but I could easily guess that I didn't want to know.

"Why did he do that?" I asked her after the minutes stretched too far in silence. Lexa turned her head to me and I immediately avoided her eyes. I stared at the blood on her hand instead and finished my work on it.

"He wanted to pit us against each other" she told me calmly, "He hopes by splitting us he can gain you and your power"

"So his invite to Azgeda was genuine?"

She nodded, "I fear it was less of an invite and more of a summons..." She turned back to me and squeezed my wrist suddenly, "Clarke, you have to promise me you will never go there" I nodded and she looked relieved, "I cannot be sure you'd ever come back"

 _At least not in one piece,_ my thoughts chilled cruelly. I swallowed and pulled up the memory of seeing lexa's eyes as she told me of Costia. My heart throbbed sorely. I never wanted to be the reason for that pain. Ever.

"I bet its too cold there for me anyway" I joked bumping my knee against hers. Lexa stared me down. I could still see the fear deep inside her. I clasped her hand in mine and gently squeezed her fingers.

"I promise I wont ever go there. Not without you there to kick ass for me"

She smiled then and I knew she believed me. She nodded and looked down at her hand. Her eyes took in the stitching and i could tell she was pretty impressed. She let me wrap a new bandage over it before she stood. She looked down at me with a thanks in her eyes. I just nodded back.

"Lexa..." I hesitated telling her about Arkadia. I didn't want to anger or insult her but she had to know I couldn't go back there. Lexa's eyes held mine patiently and I swallowed my fear and told her,

"I know what you're asking but I can't go back to the Ark" I searched her eyes begging her, "Not yet. Im not ready"

She turned back to me, "Clarke, you cannot avoid your people forever" I nodded. I knew that, "They don't hate you, you know. This fear you hold inside yourself is not from them. They do not blame you for what happened"

I swallowed again. I could feel the tears coming, "But I do"

Lexa's eyes touched with pain but she quickly covered over it with an unattached look for me. She strode back to me and made me look at her before she fixed me with a hard stare.

"You will return Nia's body to your people. You will go back to them and look into the faces of all those people you saved. You will see the good that came from that hard decision you made on the mountain. And it will bring you peace"

I looked away from her. I doubted it would bring me anything. It would just make me remember what I'd done.

"I will be there" she added gently knowing I was struggling to agree to go. I looked back at her, meeting her confident look with a tiny nod. I could do it if she was there with me. Lexa's eyes let up and she stood back with a small smile.

"We should prepare then"

She turned and called Hadrian in. I stared down at my hands as she set orders for certain warriors to be called in from patrol to ride as our escort back to Arkadia. She explained to him we would be leaving with Roan's party before sunrise so everyone had tonight only to prepare. It shocked me how soon I was expected to overcome my guilt and shame to go back to the Ark. I'd expected at least a week to come to terms with it all.

 _She's trying to get it over with before Skaikru retaliate themselves._

They didn't know yet about Nia's challenge and Lexa's victory. The last they knew we had just listened to Mount Weather blow up. With Bellamy so emotional and Pike in the mix now I knew my people would be pressuring my mom and Kane for revenge. For all I knew Indra's army could already be the only force stopping them.

Lexa was right. We had to do this as soon as possible.

I heard Hadrian's questions and vaguely registered Lexa's replies to them. But I wasn't really listening.

My fingers were rubbing the black blood from her hand against my thumb. In my mind my hands were soaked in red.

Blood, from the mountain.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for the delay guys, I rewrote this chapter nine times today and still decided to stay with the original...my brain hurts. If you're lucky another may get posted tonight :)**

 **So! C** **orrect me if I'm wrong.. But I believe we just reached 200 followers and 100 favs! Yes gang! *high fives everybody!***

 ** _Reviews make me happy:_**

 ** _Guest 1: You're very welcome! I didn't know it was going to be that long. Turns out_** ** _2am_** ** _is when the writing juices get blending! Haha, we all secretly miss Niylah. Personally I'm waiting for her to turn up again in the show, then we'll really see jealous Lexa at her best ^^_**

 ** _Guest 2: Thanks for the review! But you probably won't like me much after these next couple updates... I'm sorry!_**

 ** _Jedi Caro: This is becoming a habit :P Originally the Clexa cuteness wasn't going to happen. But then I couldn't help myself. And the dream... Kinda the same story.. Hope this also long follow up continues to gain your love! :)_**

 ** _Skyemarie90: We've all got our fingers crossed for Lexa! Personally I'm hoping she doesn't die and Alycia gets bumped up to main character status. I mean she's not exactly a big part of Fear the Walking Dead.. Pretty sure she could be persuaded to join The 100 for like, ever :D I'm with ya on the cheering Titus' death tho! Him dying would be the best thing to happen in the show since Finn's exit! I'm just hoping Lexa gets to be the one to stab Titus in the face for being a total dick._**

 ** _XxDark Angel BabyXx; Okay, let's talk theories! The tats, the writers tease, were inked during the time Clarke was missing in the wilderness. This means Lexa chose to have them. With her reaction to the nightmare about the previous commanders I'm willing to bet that she got them following another dream... Titus, the dastard, seems pretty involved with this top secret 'agenda'. It makes you wonder if it's the campaign for lasting peace or maybe lexa's secret involvement in the city of light. Either way Titus looks willing to kill Clarke to protect it.. It's rumoured that all will be revealed post sexy times in tonight's episode though so just make it through today and we'll finally know. Here's hoping the big reveal won't be Lexa's last words!_**

 ** _Sailor Sayuri: Another lovely review! It woke me up at stupid o'clock mind but you're forgiven... So! I agree with you about Roan. I don't think he's a bad guy. I honestly believe he would have left Clarke with some form of loyalty card, if only to cover his own back against Lexa... Ah the orchard scene is getting so much love!...But as for Lexa, I don't think she's being possessive. Jealous, yes. But not possessive. At least not consciously. I think it's more she wants to protect Clarke. Especially from the Ice Nation. See Lexa is coming to terms with how she feels for Clarke and as somebody who's been shut off from emotions she gets sorta overwhelmed. So this possessive streak ya'll see is just her lashing out and panicking to keep Clarke safe... As for Clarke's shoulder... You'll have to wait to find out! ;)_**

 ** _VampAngie007: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoy the story and Im loving the support. But please don't die waiting for updates! Welcome to the gang! :)_**

 ** _Phew! I may have to start writing updates just for review response! Thanks for the messages guys, keep 'em coming!_**

 **Give it a go: Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos.**

* * *

 ** _Having feelings make me weak..._**

* * *

 **Lexa.**

Clarke looked miles away. Her horse lagged a little in the band of warriors walking beside her. Every now and then Meesha would knock her head into the warrior passing her side, causing the warrior to trip sideways to avoid being trampled. And Clarke barely noticed.

For hours she held the reins loosely in her hands. Her eyes stared unseeingly at the road ahead. I frowned to myself watching her. What was worrying her so much?

 _Her people.._

I let out a long breath remembering her scared eyes when she'd told me she couldn't return to the ark. It made me hate myself pushing this on her. But it needed to be done to ensure peace between the clans stood firm. It was a short deadline but Clarke would need to overcome this pain before she faced her people again. Otherwise I feared her strength to lead them.

 _"She looks as if she has rejoined the sky"_

I glanced beside me to Roan pulling his horse in beside mine and gave him an uninterested look. We'd been riding hours and so far I'd managed to avoid speaking with him. I heard him laugh when I turned my attention away.

" _You like her_ " he stated bluntly.

I glared ahead and held my reins tighter. I refused to answer.

 _"She's spirited_ " Roan continued with a smile in his voice.

"She is a strong leader" I told him lifting my chin and staring ahead.

He hummed in agreement, "She does seem a good person to have around.." I nodded. I agreed with him wholly, " _Makes you wonder what else she is spirited in._.."

I span back to him. I had to remind myself we were supposed to be allies now. But it was hard when his eyes looked that way at Clarke's back.

"What do you want with her?" I demanded outright. I would not skirt about the issue when he made it blatantly clear he was after her. Roan glanced back at me and gave me an innocent look.

"I think that obvious, Heda" he answered with a hitched smirk for my replying glare.

I stopped my horse and fixed my attention solely on him. I would stamp this idea down. Now.

"Do not think because we are allied now that it would stop me from knocking you from your horse. Little King" I spat angrily at him, "She is not for your eyes"

Roan tipped his head back and laughed, "Am I to assume she has already captured another for her bed?"

I made to reply but stopped myself. I realised suddenly that I didn't know that answer. It made my heart flare thinking Clarke would be anybody's. But it knew she wasn't. It was standing fast by that. My head warned me to consider it. But I wouldn't. Clarke had spent a long time away from everything to avoid hurting her heart more. I doubted she trusted enough to give herself to another.

Not after I broke her heart.

I returned my eyes to her riding up ahead. They were soft on her a moment but grew ever colder when I saw her reach down to tap Jes' shoulder beside her. I found myself glaring at the warrior smiling back at Clarke. Suddenly my head was making sense.

"Maybe you fear her taking a lover because they will control her power and undermine your leadership.." Roan wondered aloud next to me as if he thought I was thinking about it.

I moved my gaze off clarke's back and returned to my uninterested study of the trail ahead of my horse. I heard him lean toward me in his saddle,

" _Or maybe you think yourself alone worthy of her?"_

My anger got the better of me then. I stopped my horse and I snatched hold of his jacket. I yanked him halfway off his horse with a hard look for his mocking. The warriors walking beside us turned their heads, some even unsheathed their weapons in tensed wait. In the corner of my eye I could see my warriors and his waiting for the order to fight.

For a fleeting second I thought about how easy it would be to be rid of Roan. All it would take was my command. I still owed Costia that much.

 _But I owe Clarke this peace more,_ I thought bitterly glaring at him.

I ignored the warriors around us and kept my eyes fixed on Roan's humoured ones. I pulled him closer.

 _"Do not think you know me"_ I slowly snarled at him, " _Or her"_

I shoved him away and kicked my horse on. I couldn't sit there any longer and hear his disrespect for Clarke. Not if I wanted to keep my people from war with his.

My horse trotted up the line towards Clarke but I stopped it to fall back a few paces. I didn't want Roan thinking he was true in his thoughts of me and Clarke by letting him see me go to her straight after our disagreement and my threat to him. I would not give him reason to believe she could be used against me as Costia had been.

Cain had followed me. He walked beside me a while and spoke quietly of our plans for after Roan's group left for Eden's Pass. I was grateful for his companionship and even more thankful for his distraction. It kept me calm talking as the commander.

He left after a couple hours to run a patrol behind us, allowing me again to return to my thoughts. They cut evenly between my plan to deal with Arkadia and my plans for clarke. I wanted to have this all over with quickly so we could return to Polis and begin the peace we'd always spoken of. I planned to show her the harbour when we returned. I wanted to see her reaction to the ocean. I wanted to be there on her first boat ride. I wanted to be the one she asked for all her curiosities. The orchard had given me a glimpse of Clarke at peace with the world. I longed to help her make it lasting.

 _If she returns with me._.. I hoped she did. Though I knew part of her would want her to stay with her people. Even if she denied it right now. And I could not hold her with me if she chose to stay.

My eyes crept up from my reins after a moment and I glanced over at Clarke only to look quickly away again. She was whispering with Jes, sharing her sweet smile with her. I felt an angry heat roll through my bones for the warrior and instantly I regretted allowing her to join us. I should have told Clarke no when she asked to invite Jes.

 _Feelings are weakness,_ I told myself strongly as I locked down this strong emotion building inside me. I feared its place in my heart. As I feared its strength to pull my focus from being commander. Clarke could speak with whoever she wanted. I would not care. I didnt.

 _Liar_ , my mind snagged pushing a new beat into my chest.

I glared at my reins with it and looked back at them. I couldn't hear what they said but I saw the warrior nod once and turn to walk back through the line to her second. I let myself frown when Monroh returned to walk beside Clarke in her mentor's place. She looked up at the sky princess with nervous eyes and I could guess easily what Clarke wanted to speak with her about.

 _The mountain.._

It annoyed me how she would speak of it with others and not me. Clearly she feared speaking with me of her past and her demons. It felt like she barely trusted me.

 _Monroh was her people_ , my heart tried gently, S _he just wants to know of the Ark._

I nodded to myself. I preferred that answer to the one that had me doubting my trust with Clarke.

I looked down to the warrior walking beside me and called him closer. He looked up at me from behind his mask and waited. I leant low so he would hear me and gave him orders to find Jes for me. He nodded and span on his heel to search the column. I returned my eyes to Clarke after. She would not like what I was about to do. But I was far from caring right now.

Clarke's gentle laugh brought me back from my anger for the moment. I felt my heart lift at the peace on her face. She seemed to be speaking lighter with monroh. The two were sharing smiles at some memory. I found myself smiling too. I liked her happy. It suited her far more than this pain she had grown used to.

 _"Heda_ "

I dragged my eyes away from Clarke and looked down at Jes's gentle panting beside me. I nodded my thanks to the warrior who had brought her to me and then peered down at her walking quickly next to my horse. The fast pace was causing her to limp slightly after her rush to answer her summons, and I considered slowing him for her to keep pace painlessly. But I decided against it. She could keep up herself.

" _I want you to scout ahead for us_ " I told her bluntly and looked to the front of the march, " _I do not trust the way is safe_ " She nodded back without question and I found her loyal obedience annoying. I nodded back to monroh and added, "Take your second. It will be good practice for her"

Jes nodded again and began her way back towards Clarke and Monroh. It surprised me her calm towards my orders. I had expected her to question them. To deman another take her place. She seemed fine with leaving clarke's side. It made me question why.

Maybe they aren't so close after all, I considered.

I watched Jes weave through the other warriors a moment and I waited to see clarke's reaction for Jes' leaving. If she looked upset I would know her feelings for the warrior.

Galloping horses drew my attention away the moment Jes met with Clarke. My eyes reluctantly left them and clocked the riders quickly nearing me. I tensed a little in my saddle with the hardness of their eyes avoiding mine. Their news was not good.

They slowed their horses past me and turned them quickly to walk beside mine.

" _Heda_ " They bowed and I stared impatient for their report, _"We have learned of concerns from the villages"_

I frowned at them, "What concerns?"

" _Thieves in the woods, commander"_ One guard hastily began _, "_ They say there are two"

His partner nodded and gave a grim look, _"One feigns death at the road while another attacks your people for their belongings"_

I felt a rush of anger fill me. Stealing from my people was stealing from me. The law clearly stated that. To let it go unpunished would have me seen as a weak leader easily defied. I would not have my people intimidated. Or me.

I nodded back at the guards.

 _"Seek them out and bring them to Polis. I will have their cruelty answered with mine"_

They each nodded and turned their horses. I moved up the line again as they galloped away. My warriors were curious for the riders' haste but I refused to answer their looks. Instead I urged my horse around them towards Clarke.

"What was so urgent?" I heard Roan call out from behind me.

I ignored him and continued to push my horse on through the warriors. The king wasn't going to settle for my answer though. I heard his horse canter up to walk beside mine again. He ignored the growls of my people as he reigned it in and he met my eyes with a hard stare.

"Thieves" I told him calmly, "My guards are hunting them down"

Roan looked at me disbelieving, "You'd send a party of armed men after a few thieves?"

 _He suspects an attack,_ I realised as I peered back at him, _He doubts our alliance and insults my honour.._

I glowered at him, "If you doubt me, go ahead and look for yourself"

Roan held my eyes a moment before he slapped his horse on. I glared at his back as he made it run to the scouts at the front of the march. His guards galloped quickly after him. I let out a long angry breath for the king. He was truly a pain.

I told myself to ignore the king's paranoia. If he mistrusted me then that was his mistake. I clicked my tongue and urged my horse back to its original search for Clarke. I spotted her a couple paces ahead and quickly kicked the stallion on towards her.

Jes was with her explaining her leaving when I slowed behind them. I saw her give clarke another of her smiles before she turned with Monroh and sprinted with her out of the progression of warriors towards the woods. Clarke's head moved in their direction and I saw her shoulders drop a little at having lost her friends. I swallowed down my feelings for it and moved my horse on.

He eagerly stepped into place at clarke's side and I watched amused when he lifted his head forward to sniff her leg. He truly seemed to like her.

The sky princess turned to me with a tired smile when she noticed her horse pulling on the reins to knock her head against my horse. She nodded to me.

"Heda" she greeted politely.

I nodded though I didn't like her formality. I wanted her to speak freely with me. As my equal. Not as my subject.

"How are you finding your horse?" I asked looking down disapproving at it nicking my stallion's neck. He shook his mane back at her but I could tell he enjoyed the attention.

Clarke let out a soft laugh and I returned my eyes to her with a smile at her happiness.

"She is very amusing" she told me still smiling. She patted Meesha's neck and asked, "Whose was she?"

"We do not own our horses" I began and clarke nodded.

"I know. They're kindred spirits with their riders..." She looked back at me with a slight smirk for my surprise , "I've had the culture lesson"

I gave an approving nod though I was disappointed I was not the one to teach her that area in our beliefs. I met her eyes and shared a smile with her. I felt my heart swell in her calm attention.

Clarke looked away and I watched her scan the trees to her right, "Jes said she's scouting ahead for us" I felt my smile drop a little. I nodded at her, "Why?"

"Caution" I told her curtly and I returned my eyes ahead of me, "Its better to know the way is safe than to walk blindly into trouble"

I could feel hers staring at me in confusion. She wanted me to expand on my answer. She wanted an actual answer to her question. I didn't give one. Instead I told her our plans once we left Roan's party at the border.

"It will take us two days to reach the border" I told her, glancing back at her to watch her reaction for what I said. There wasn't one. She just stared ahead at the trail.

So I continued, "After we leave Roan we will make our way west to Arkadia"

"How many days will it take to get there?" she inquired quietly. My heart heaved a little at her dead eyes. I easily read her dread to be reunited with her people.

"Four" Her eyes lifted a little in her relief and it made me regret my next words, "But the two of us will disband and ride ahead with the queen's body and a guard. We should make it in two days"

Clarke's head whipped back and she stared at me a little in anger. As if she blamed me for her struggle to come to terms with her return to the Ark. I gave her a calm look back and waited for her to say something. When she didn't I pushed my horse on to block her path. I reached for her hand to stop her directing Meesha around me and I gripped her wrist firmly in my palm. I gave her a dead strong look.

"This will not be easy, Clarke. But holding it off will only make things harder"

"I don't want to talk about this" She told me gruffly and pulled her arm free. I let out a resigned breath as she trotted out of the line with Meesha. She was making this so frustrating.

Her guard looked up at me in question to follow her. I nodded and he ran swiftly after Clarke. I watched him catch up with her and urge her to rejoin the warriors. She did so reluctantly and I watched her settle back into a steady walk inside the safety of my people.

I understood her fear in this. And her pain too. But I wasn't sure how I would make this easier for her. I wasn't sure I could. It was taking too long for Clarke to come to terms with what she'd done. Truly, it was breaking her more the longer she held herself in her torment.

 _It takes as long as it takes..._

I bowed my head to the ache in my heart.

 _Maybe it doesn't have to?_

 _It does,_ my mind pained in sympathy.

I breathed heavily under the tight feeling crossing my chest. Clarke's pain gave me pain. Because in truth I was to blame for all of this.

I spent the following hours watching her ride, worrying over her. It hurt to see her in so much torment. And it hurt worse knowing living through it in the day was the easy part for Clarke. Tonight she would probably suffer worse. And with no thanks to my involvement.

 _How do I gain her trust enough for her to speak about it?_ I wondered staring down at my hands twisting the reins.

I didn't know. And that angered me. I felt so completely lost when it came to clarke. Always. Like I was drowning in my care of her. And it worried me my confusion for it. I had never felt this way. Even Costia had failed to make me this impassioned over another. It scared me how my love for her was being replaced by my growing care for clarke. It felt like a betrayal at the same time it felt like a release.

 _Speak with her_ , my heart urged inside its hard ache under my thoughts.

I struggled a little with my indecision before I kicked my horse forward.

Clarke lifted her head in acknowledgement to my presence. I sent her a slight nod and then turned my attention back to the trail. I would not speak with her until she was ready. For now I would be patient and simply ride with her.

* * *

The procession of warriors stopped when we started losing light. The scouts found us a clearing for the night and I ordered a camp to be set up. Cain strode forward as I climbed down from my saddle and I caught Clarke's eyes carefully watching me hold my hand against the ache in my side as he led my horse away. She continued to frown at me as I walked around her horse to her side. I could tell she saw me masking my limp. I gave her a look to assure her I was fine.

"Lexa, just-" I shook my head at her and she gave me a frustrated growl back. It had me smiling a little. I enjoyed having her care after me.

"I am fine, Clarke" I told her leaning my hands up to help her dismount.

She leant over the other side of the horse and hopped down without my help. Her fingers neatly pulled the rein over Meesha's head and she stood calm and tall opposite me. Her blue eyes blew like a storm into me, silently demanding I listen to her as a healer. I gently squeezed her shoulder.

"Rest" I told her reaching for the reins, "Tomorrow will be a harder day. You will need your strength"

She pulled her hand away from me and fixed me with a hard look.

"I'll be fine. It's your strength that worries me" I gave her a quick glare for her insult but she blew my anger down with her begging eyes, "Lexa, please, let me look at you"

My mind flipped a little at her words and I had to force myself to stay expressionless as I told her again I was fine. Inside I was struggling not to give my permission. The thought of having her look at me was an entirely inviting concept. I wanted nothing more than to have the excuse to let her touch me.

"You were the one who cleared me well enough to ride" I reminded her strongly when she looked ready to press her argument further. I stretched my hand forward for the reins again.

Clarke's pulled them and directed the horse a step away from me. I felt my skin itch a little at her defiance. I sent her a warning look. I was not in the right mind for this tonight.

Clarke broke into a smile then and it settled my anger immediately. She strode forward and leant close into me. I shivered at her body brushing mine. She looked deeply and nervously into my eyes before she moved her head forward to whisper in my ear.

"You were the one who said to be thorough" she husked sending a deep shock of electricity through my body. My hands shook at the sudden surge of emotion overwhelming me and I found it hard to think straight enough to reply to her.

I felt clarke's head tip a little against mine before she moved past me with her horse. I swallowed to myself and let her go.

My heart created a fast tempo inside my chest in her absence and I shook my head to try and unscramble the mess inside it. I felt hot and tingly. And I had this unquenchable desire to follow Clarke to tell her she could have her way. And I didn't understand why.

 _"Commander_ " My attention snapped startled back to Cain. He stared calmly at me as if he hadn't noticed my slip in composure, "Your tent will be raised within the hour. Do you wish to send out a hunting party?"

I nodded to him and examined the darkening sky above us. I told him to have fires lit. It was going to be a cold night. Cain nodded and left me to see that it was done. I stole a calming breath when his back turned and fixed my composure back into the commander, setting myself firmly against the tide of emotions pulling at me. I would not let them make me weak.

I strode to my horse for my sword and looped the strap over my head. I looked around at the warriors setting the camp as I buckled it securely across my chest. My people were working quickly to secure us for the night. Tents were raising and wood was collected for the fires. Cain stood with a group of men setting up the hunting party. I saw in it some of our finest hunters. None would go hungry tonight.

My gaze drifted along the tired faces of my people towards the Ice Nation's. Roan's warriors were setting up their own space away from mine. Their hard glares at my people sent an angry storm through me and I had to look away before I ordered them to be punished for their hostility.

My eyes settled instead on Clarke pulling something from her saddle pack. I curiously eyed the book in her hands and watched her slow distracted walk to sit by a tree with it. Whatever it contained it interested her deeply. She glanced up from it once she was settled. Her gaze drifted around camp before settling on me. I felt my mind begin to run blank again under her watch. So I turned to busy myself with giving orders.

I set up a guard and sent warriors out for patrol. When I felt everything was being done correctly I gave Clarke one last look to make sure she was guarded before I walked into the trees to run a patrol myself. I needed to be away from her so I could think freely again. Something my heart continued to hold mockingly over my head.

My patrolling warriors greeted me when I passed their walk in the opposite direction around the camp. They gave me brief reports that all claimed peace in the wood before they continued on their way.

I carried on walking. Clarke's earlier whisper followed me tirelessly, forcing me to widen my circle further away from camp until I no longer heard it. I stared vacantly ahead as I walked. My mind was wild with her. I enjoyed it the same time I despised it.

The rhythm of my walk cooled my mind enough after a while to return to the camp. I found lit fires and raised tents on my entry. My warriors had settled themselves down to rest. Some against the trees. Others simply on their haunches by the fires. All were speaking quietly with one another, eyes flitting back to Roan's group every so often. It was obvious they expected little loyalty from the ice nation.

I sighed to myself and moved across the invisible line dividing my warriors from Roans and demanded to see the king. I didn't enjoy the idea but we needed to discuss tomorrow's march towards the border and what would happen when we parted ways there. I left again when the guards told their king was with the hunting group. It shouldn't have surprised me he would leave his responsibilities so eagerly.

 _He will be a weak king,_ I decided as I strode back across camp to where my tent stood. I knew Roan would bow eventually to the pressures of being a king. He was not made to lead. His own mother had known it. I glanced briefly back at the cart that carried her body before continuing on to my tent.

"Cain" I greeted the warrior standing guard outside.

He bowed and quickly gave me his report. I nodded at him when he finished and told him to go rest. He looked exhausted. He thanked me and left to be with the others.

I peered inside the empty tent. It looked cold and lonely. My body ached to rest but the furs on the ground barely looked inviting.

My head turned to my warriors and picked out clarke among the mix. She was sat at a fire with her back rested against a tree. On her lap she held the book she'd taken from her saddle before. Her right hand moved all over the open page. Her frown deeply concentrated on it.

I stared over at her and watched her. She paused suddenly then as if she felt my eyes on her. Clarke lifted her head and looked through the smoke of the fire back at me. The warmth in them was enough to draw me away from my tent.

She put her book down as I approached and stood quickly to greet me. I felt a few of my warriors watching us as I stopped in front of her. It reminded me to rein in my feelings. I could only be the commander now.

"You have a tent" I told her looking back at where mine stood alone behind me. Clarke gave me a smile.

"You mean you have a tent" She turned to her place by the fire and settled back down. I moved to crouch beside her.

"I can share" I told her giving her a low smirk when her eyes bounced quickly back to me, "If you can persuade me first"

Clarke looked away quickly and I smiled wider. I enjoyed teasing her.

"Has there been any changed news back from Polis yet?" She asked thickly. I could see why she worried. I'd sent riders regularly to make sure my city was safe in my absence. All reports came back fine though. Polis was at peace.

I shook my head and she looked relieved. I smiled at her. I knew Clarke was already starting to see the city as a home.

"Titus will handle things in Polis" I told her gently though my worry for leaving him with so much power grew. I worried greatly over titus. His ambition had the potential to undermine me. I could only trust that he would remain as loyal as he always had.

I leant across her thoughtful silence and reached for her book. Clarke's eyes widened on my snatching it up and she started mumbling at me as I opened it. I ignored her telling me it was nothing and stared down at the drawings on the page. I glanced quickly back at her.

"You drew these?" I asked looking through them. She nodded at me and I couldn't help but smile impressed, "They're good, Clarke"

I flicked the page from a drawing of the tower in Polis to one of my stallion. I glanced back at him tethered to a tree beside Meesha and thought the likeness was extremely well caught. I turned to the next page and smiled at the drawings of the flowers in the garden behind the tower. Clarke quickly looked away when I glanced up on the next drawing of my throne. I stared at her in utter amazement. She drew all these from memory?

I became fascinated as I flicked through the different drawings. My eyes took in all the specific strokes and smudges of the coal on the page. And she watched me closely with nervous eyes. She needn't be so scared. I was impressed by her talent and I was touched she would draw so much from her time in Polis. It gave me hope that she would choose to return with me.

I paused over a page on a beginning sketch of the orchard. I drew my finger along the leaves.

I was remembering watching her intense curiosity as she'd wandered through the trees. The awed expression she gave me watching me break open the Asaipaw. And then feeling my breath stolen from me on seeing her look of absolute peace as she basked in the solace of the trees. I'd never seen anything so beautiful as clarke in that moment.

I moved my eyes over the unfinished sketch and handed her the book. I didn't know what to say. Or if I could say anything. My chest was aching with the beating my heart set against it suddenly. I didn't trust myself to keep my thoughts.

Our hands brushed exchanging the book and I looked down at the warm shock it gave me. I let my thumb drag over her fingertips. Clarke looked up. She held my eyes and I saw in them her understanding for my silence.

 _"The king of Azgeda wishes to speak with you, commander"_

I broke our stare and we both looked up at the warrior. I nodded and and calmly dismissed her. Clarke watched me rise and she nodded in silence when I told her I would return. I couldn't help but notice the slight disappointment in her eyes as I turned away. I felt it inside myself too.

I moved quickly across camp toward the Ice Nation side. Roan was sat behind a fire waiting for me. His hands were twisting his sword between his palms while he stared into the flames. I stopped in front of him and crossed my arms awkwardly over my chest with a secret wince for the pain that flared beneath them. I glared at his guards stood either side of him. They exchanged a look with one another behind their masks as if questioning my order, but they left quickly when Roan tipped his head toward them. My back tensed at their open defiance to me. They should know to bow under their commander before they bowed to their king.

Roan looked up at me then back at the fire.

"The scouts came back" he told me moving to stand opposite me.

I waited for him to carry on. My eyes were running over his face in the firelight. It looked gruesome. The bruises on it loudly declared their owners strength. I felt my fist clench around the bandage on my hand as I fought off a proud smirk.

"And?" I prompted impatient.

Behind me a cheer went up suddenly among my warriors. I turned to them and saw the hunting party walk into the clearing carrying their kills. My people rose and set about preparing them for cooking over the fires. My eyes caught on Clarke looking around at them all. She looked interested in watching everything. I wondered if she would sketch it later.

The king drew my attention back. He paced from the fire with a resigned look. I eyed the sword in his hand and felt myself grip the knife at my belt.

"There is a party about an hour to the east" he told me heavily, "The scouts believe they are ice nation. I seek permission to go speak with my people"

 _At least he's learning,_ I thought noticing his improvement in addressing his commander appropriately.

I nodded my consent, "Is that all?"

He was frowning at me in surprise. Clearly he believed I would deny him his request. He nodded at me and I turned away. I didn't want to linger in his company a second longer. I wanted to return to clarke and ask her more about the drawings. I was curious to know what else she had drawn in her time on earth.

I stopped in my steps back to her when I saw Jes striding eagerly through the hunters and over to the blonde. My heart twisted sourly on watching them exchange smiles and I decided instead to return to my tent before I did something I would regret.

Cain's eyes followed my light limp away from the others from his perch against a tree. They asked silently if I needed help. I shook my head at him and clenched my jaw to keep the pain in. He nodded at my answer but rose anyway to follow me up to the tent. I gave in against his concern and let him stand guard outside.

When I made it inside I collapsed to my knees and panted heavily through the pain turning my mind white. A cold sweat collected on the back of my neck as I braced a hand to my side and I felt the world spin around me. I closed my eyes and breathed quickly in and out. My mind sent me back to clarke's smiling at jes and it had me twisting my fist into the ground. I didn't like this anger in me for her happiness with another. For some reason it was believed to be a betrayal in my eyes.

I decided to lay my anger down for the time being. I was too tired to feel all this emotion. So I let the commander lock it away.

I removed my jacket and slowly eased myself down over the furs to stare up at the canvas of the tent. The tension left my body quickly but my mind stayed hyper alert. As if it enjoyed keeping me from sleeping

I stared up at the canvas for what felt like hours, unable to sleep, unable to think clearly. My mind twisted constantly over Clarke and all the reasons I had to carry my affection for her. It made me tired. Caring for her exhausted me and yet I could not sleep.

I was weak.

I rolled to my feet with an aggravated groan at my lack of control for myself. A yawn escaped me and I glared at the ground in anger to my own mind's betrayal. I thought about going for a walk. Maybe that would tire me enough to grant me peace. Then I thought of clarke. I could take her with me. Show her the wood. Maybe even teach her to see properly in the dark of it. She would like that.

In a snap decision I grabbed my sword and limped quickly from the tent.

I looked up at the sky and guessed it the time well past midnight. Some of the fires had long gone out. Most of my people were asleep while a few parol guards sat alert watching the camp. They bowed tiredly at my walk towards them.

I stepped around sleeping warriors and searched the tree for clarke. She wasn't there and it sent a short panic through my mind. I turned and met the eyes of a warrior who had been tending the fire during his guard shift. He pointed behind me across camp to another fire where monroh sat guard.

I strode over. I couldn't see Jes with her. Or clarke. And I couldn't help but wonder where they both were. My mind ran with ideas that had my heart begging me to stop. I was angry, at Jes and at Clarke. And I was about to walk over and unleash that anger on Jes' second when I saw the body twitching on the ground behind her.

My anger disappeared instantly to be replaced with deep concern.

Clarke was fast asleep on her side facing the flames. Her face was mounded into a hard frown and I could see little beads of sweat rolling down her temple. It reminded me painfully of the night she had slept by the fire following Finn's death. She looked as tormented now as she had that night.

 _She's having a nightmare._..

I swallowed hard and moved closer to stand in the shadows beside our horses. There I listened painfully to Clarke's voice mumble over the crackling of the fire. Monroh was staring at the flames with a hard look for Clarke's whispers beside her. Like she was seeing firsthand what Clarke was dreaming. Whether it was Mount Weather or some memory from the Ark I didn't know.

And I didn't like not knowing.

I stared down at Clarke's body as it continued to jerk with her short cries. A few Ice Nation guards near her looked back curious and annoyed for her shouts. I sent them a hard glare when I heard them murmuring of Wanheda's weakness.

Minutes past slowly and I stood frozen as I watched Clarke continue to dream. I tasted blood in my mouth as she struggled to return to herself and I realised I was biting my lip to keep myself from going to her.

Monroh started trying to calm her as the nightmare grew. The warriors around them had given threats to gut her if she couldn't silence clarke. The young second tried but Clarke carried on until finally she jerked upright out of her dream gasping to breathe.

She was staring at her shaking hands and rubbing them quickly against each other as if she were wiping them clean of something. I tilted my head at her behaviour. My grip on my sword tightened. What has she seen?

"You okay?" I heard monroh ask her.

Clarke jumped with monroh's hand on her shoulder. She seemed to come back to herself when she recognised who was touching her. She nodded back to the other girl and apologised.

Her frightened eyes rose up from staring back at her hands and they found mine watching her through the fire. She looked so scared. And I felt so helpless.

"I'm fine" she said in a stronger voice. Her eyes stared back at mine, telling me the same, ordering me to believe her.

But I didn't.

I shook my head at her and turned to walk to the camp boundaries. I told the patrol there I would return before sunrise. I needed to think away from the responsibility of being commander. I needed to understand this fire rising in me from clarke's nightmare.

* * *

I walked quickly at first. Eager to be away from the torment of watching Clarke's pain. I slowed only when my hurried pace brought pain to my chest. My feet carried me slower over familiar ground towards the clearing I sought. I remembered the last time I had ventured there and it sent a hollow ache through my body.

The air blew frostily over my body as I climbed across the stream to the two trees standing guard in the dark. My skin shivered for the cold but I ignored it to climb towards the white trees. There I unsheathed the knife in my belt and set it down on the ground at my feet. My sword came next. I touched my hand briefly to the carvings engraved into the pale wood. It felt wrong to come here.

I entered the clearing completely unarmed and moved to sit on the glowing grass in the middle. I struggled to give in to this. I did not believe it would work.

 _Faith heals_ , Anya's voice reproached me calmly, _If you trust in it enough._

I closed my eyes then and cleared my mind. Then I thought of the gods, asking for their strength to help my strength, praying for their assistance. I repeated every prayer I knew inside my head as I waited for an answer. I thought it would please them to know I still remembered them all.

My mind rolled bored from my prayers after a while and I found myself asking the gods about the prophecy instead. I demanded to know why they had chosen me to bear it. Why not another commander?

 _Maybe the other commanders did.._ My mind whispered through the cold.

I shivered and thought about how all the commanders before me had been assassinated. Was that what would kill me as the prophecy dictated? An assassin? Would that be my legacy? To die before this great last war? I frowned to myself as I thought of it. I couldn't help but question. Would I die at the hands of an enemy, or a friend?

 _Heart's hand..._ I churned the words through my mind and questioned my heart for the answer. It didn't know. And neither apparently did the gods. I was alone in this.

 _Not completely alone.._

Clarke filled my mind again. She soothed over the worry and fear inside me. I smiled to myself at the memory of her in the orchard and then again on another memory of seeing her wrapped up inside my old jacket. It had suited her. To the point that it could have been made for her. Something I had taken as a sign.

I thought about the decision I'd made to give it to her. It had been a long night's worry but by morning I had made my mind. And she had received it easily enough. Though she had yet to wear it in public I knew eventually she would. I just had to give her the second half of the offer first.

A branch snapped loudly behind me and my eyes flew open. I peered ahead at the shadows in the trees while I listened to the intruder come closer behind. I recognised their steps immediately and relaxed my tensed muscles. I smiled.

"You should be sleeping" I called back to her. She scoffed back at me.

I heard the frost crunch under her boots as she came over and stepped around me.

"You saw me sleeping" she huffed as she dumped herself down beside me. Her hand twisted up to her shoulder with her graceless fall and I watched her hold it tight with a wince. Clarke avoided my concerned eyes and looked around us at the circle of trees. Her hand fell from her shoulder and her eyes shot me her question

"This is the commanders glade" I explained watching her peer about at it, "It is a sacred place of prayer and healing"

"And which one are you here for?" She asked narrowing her eyes down to my ribs. I smiled at her.

"A little of both" I confessed looking away when she gave me a strong look of disapproval. I heard her mutter to herself about stubborn women and shot her an impassive look for my irritation of it. She apologised and glanced about again to avoid my eyes.

"Sacred...That's why your sword is back there?" She asked pointing her thumb over her shoulder. I nodded.

"This is a place of peace. Weapons are a sign of conflict"

She nodded and looked around again. I watched her eyes brighten with her curiosity again and decided I very much liked seeing her like this.

Clarke turned back to me with a slight frown, "Where are your guards?"

"I did not require them. Only the commander is allowed to set foot inside the glade. Others are forbidden to enter"

She immediately started to get up with an apology for any disrespect she'd shown by following me here. I smiled at her and grabbed her wrist to pull her back down beside me.

"Lexa, you said-"

"Wanheda means 'Commander of Death'," I told her gently, "I think that should give you freedom to come here too"

Clarke looked away though I could tell she was as happy as I that we shared a place only we could go. She settled back beside me and softly asked what I'd been praying for. I looked away and didn't tell her. I couldn't. Not without scaring her with the prophecy.

"Tell me more about you" she tried instead calling my eyes back to her.

"About me?" I repeated narrowing my eyes at her. Why did she want to know?

Clarke nodded, "Your beliefs, your culture. I'd like to know more about you grounders"

I studied her expression then looked up. The stars were twinkling down at us. I let out a sigh.

"I'd like to know more about that" I said nodding my head towards the stars.

Clarke looked up too and I could see a flash of something run through her eyes. I wanted to believe it was homesickness. But I knew it was pain for the memories the sky brought.

"It's cold" she told me in a distracted voice as she peered up at the many tiny lights above us, "And dark..."

I peered back at her bitter answer, "You felt lonely in the sky?" I asked watching her shiver from some memory. She nodded at me, "Why?"

"We went up there the last humans from Earth. Then we became sky people. Then I became nothing. I lost everything up there. My life. My dad..." Her voice shook and I struggled to keep from going to her.

Clarke tipped her head back and looked up at the sky. She let out a big breath and moved to be on her back looking up at it. I felt my eyes drag along her, appreciating her fully at this new angle. It had my mind thirsting for me to lean above her.

"I spent every day dreaming of the ground" I heard her tell me and instantly pulled my eyes back to her face, "I wanted to know what it felt like to run on it. To feel it with my hands. To be there and know I was home"

My heart bumped and I smiled despite it being a painful memory for her. Knowing she saw earth as home warmed me greatly. I settled down on my elbow beside her. My arm brushed her shoulder and I heard her breathe sharper for it. I swallowed to myself and stared up at the dark sky above us.

"When I was a Nightblood, I spent every night after training looking up at the stars" I glanced back at her smiling to herself with my story. I smiled too. The memory was still fond to me. It served me as a last reminder of life before the wars and the heartache. When I was simply Leska.

"Anya used to say she feared I would lose my head if I let it stray so easily into the sky" I felt my smile slip a little then. I drew a deep breath to calm my heart and continued quieter, "But I felt this pull in my heart to know it. I wanted to see the stars for myself and walk among them"

Clarke chuckled softly and I tipped my head eagerly back to face her. I smiled at her bright eyes staring upwards and finished my story,

"And now I don't need to" I searched beside me for her hand and raised it to take gently in mine. Her eyes looked back at me then, "The sky found me" I told her huskily.

Clarke's eyes turned a different shade of blue and I could read the same desire in them that I felt running hot inside me. I looked down at our hands and swallowed. To move over her now would be too easy. I wanted nothing more than that. To feel her truly. I glanced back at her lips and caught her doing the same and told myself to stop. I could not, and would not, do this.

 _Not yet._

Instead I asked her why she'd been sent to earth. It was a mystery that continued to press my mind. Ever since I first met Clarke my question for her had always been why. Why had they come?

She drew a deep breath and looked back at the sky, "We were running out of air"

"In space?" She nodded and I frowned. I knew some basic science. I'd read books about space. I knew a human couldn't breathe up there. But their station.. The Ark.. it should have been fully supplied with air. It didn't make sense for it to run out.

"Why did your leaders send you?" I asked continuing my curiosity, "Why their children?"

Clarke sighed, "They didn't only send their children.." She glanced back at me, "They sent their criminals"

"Criminals?" I repeated in an amused voice. I couldn't picture Clarke as somebody who broke peace. She just seemed to honourable for that. Clarke nodded at me and I breathed a light laugh as I lowered myself to lay beside her.

"What was your crime?" I asked in a teasing voice.

Her eyes fell away from me then. They sadly searched the sky above her before she told me.

"Knowledge" she sighed heavily and painfully, "I knew the Ark was dying"

I felt my smile fade and my eyes stare at her. They imprisoned her because she knew their secret? Branded her a criminal for a secret that would become public eventually? It filled me with instant rage.

"And what was your punishment?" I asked through a steel voice. She looked back at me. Her eyes measured me a moment and I could see she was worrying for my reaction to her answer.

Clarke looked away, cringing almost as she whispered it to me,

"Death"

I stared at her. Death? For knowing a secret? In what world was that justice?! Clarke saw my inability to understand her people's actions. She saw me grow angrier. Her hand cupped around mine holding hers and she told me it was okay.

"Every crime meant capital punishment" she told me in her gentle voice, "It was the only way they could save oxygen"

"And you believe that excuses their cruelty?" She didn't answer me, "How were the deaths carried out?"

She sucked in a breath and I saw a tear slide down her cheek. I reached up to brush it away but she knocked my hand down, refusing my comfort. I drew myself away then and let her have her space. Clarke stared blankly up at the sky. Her eyes seemed to search it.

"If you were underage like I was you got locked up until your eighteenth birthday. Then you were put on trial. If they found you guilty you got floated"

 _Floated._. I repeated the word several times in my head. I'd heard it before. She'd told me to go float myself when I'd asked her to bow to me. In fact many of the sky people used it in insult. I tilted my head towards her and waited for her to explain.

She closed her eyes and sniffed back her tears. When she opened them again she was holding a dead stare past me. Like I wasn't there.

"You're pulled into a chamber. And it's locked behind you. You're told your last rights. And then they press a button connected to the air lock. And you're sucked out into space"

I stared at her in shock. To be cast out of your people was one thing. To die in the vastness of space was an entirely different league. And for something as trivial as knowing the existence of life up there was to soon cease.. It made my blood burn and my skin coil.

"You've seen this done?" I asked quietly. She nodded and I could see the agony in her eyes as she touched the bracelet on her left wrist.

"My dad" she whimpered wiping her tears aside.

My heart wept in my chest for her. I couldn't imagine the grief she had endured watching something that horrific.

I reached over and gently took her hand, pulling her wrist closer for me to inspect. I studied the strange dial and it's delicate ticking. I knew it was made for measuring time. I just didn't understand how it did that.

"This was his?" I asked brushing my thumb across the glass surface of it.

Clarke nodded and I released her. She wiped her thumb under her eyes and apologised for crying. I shook my head at her. I didn't mind her tears. I minded her pain.

"You wear it to remember him?"

She nodded back at me.

"I had to bring him to the ground with me" she sniffed, "I couldn't leave him up there"

"And your nightmares.." I started gently but her eyes told me to stop. I held in my frustration for her silence and nodded to her. I would wait.

Clarke's fingers squeezed my hand gratefully. I just looked away up at the sky. The stars were shining innocently back at me but they could not hide the truth anymore. The sky wasn't as great as I'd always thought. It seemed just as cruel and deadly as the ground.

 _It's all the same._

"Anya's braid.." I began in a thick voice, "The one you returned to me.."

Clarke's eyes shot back to me guiltily. She still blamed herself for my friend's death.

I looked away from the shame in her eyes and up at the stars. I breathed slowly out. This was harder than I thought it would be. My heart hurt speaking her name and it stung more for sharing my secret with Clarke. I summoned my courage and told her,

"I keep it with me too. In my jacket" I pressed my hand over my heart where my inner jacket pocket would sit and let out another breath to stop the tears, "That way she is always with me"

Clarke watched me silently. I could feel her eyes running over my face in the dark. I kept fighting the urge to look back at her. I worried what I might do if I saw her looking at me like that. I contented myself to listening to her steady breaths shivering beside me instead. I thought about my last visit to the glade and how alone I'd been. How I'd wished she'd been there to relieve the pain. Now she was here, it felt like a different pain entirely.

"You come here often?" She asked out breaking through my pained thoughts. I peered back at her and was surprised to see her laying still with closed eyes.

"I've only been here once before" I shared and her brow creased confused. She opened her eyes to cast me a look to explain. I let out a breath and looked away with the grief in my heart.

"I lost my faith a very long time ago. But I came here after I betrayed you on the mountain. My heart needed to heal" My voice fell from me with my confession and I had to breathe deeply to stop the pain. I felt weak for letting it touch me.

Clarke was watching me. I could feel her eyes glaring at me in hate again. I could feel her pain burn into my skin. I waited for her to tell me again it was my fault and I had deserved to need to heal after my betrayal on her and her people. I waited to bear the burden.

"I was dreaming about the mountain" she mumbled. I felt her fingers pick at my shirt. I tipped my head back to her. She was staring down at my shoulder with dead eyes that were heavy in guilt.

I tipped awkwardly onto my bruised side to face her.

"You are not to blame for that, Clarke" I told her strongly but she shook her head at me.

"I killed all those people" she husked, "And I didn't need to"

"Sometimes salvation for your people comes at a price to others" I told her gently. She needed to accept that already.

Clarke laughed hollowly back at me, "Do you get this bullshit from your books?" She questioned harshly.

I just stared back at her and waited for her anger to leave.

She took a calm breath and mumbled an apology. I stayed quiet. I was still waiting to hear the rest. She closed her eyes again.

"How do you do it?" She asked me opening her eyes with a begging look for an answer that would help her. I frowned at her.

"Do what?"

"Make these choices and live with being a monster after"

Her eyes locked mine. She would not leave this until I answered her. I didn't know how. I didn't know if I understood her.

 _She believes I am a monster?_

I searched her eyes for anything that confirmed her opinion of me. But I found nothing.

 _She believes she is one_ , my head whispered. My heart broke a little seeing the truth crying inside her eyes.

I leant back up on my elbow beside her and looked calmly down at her. I began carefully, knowing now just how fragile she was underneath.

"You are not a monster, Clarke"

"I am" she argued trembling. I fiercely shook my head at her.

"You're not. How could you be? You did what you had to do. You made the hard choice to kill in order to protect your own. If that makes you a monster, what does it make me?"

"A commander" she sighed back looking away from me. I tilted her chin back. I was not done with this.

"You are a hero, Clarke. To your own people and mine" She looked back at me doubtfully so I smiled and added, "How could a princess of the sky ever be seen as a monster?"

She rolled her eyes at me, "I was never actual royalty you kn-" I cut her off quickly by leaning over her and claiming her lips with my own. I had been fighting so hard in that moment to keep the Leska side of me under control. But hearing Clarke's self hate made the commander side of me fall aside. Leska wanted Clarke to know she was not hated. Not by me. Not ever.

Clarke gasped as I kissed her slowly. As I had that day in my tent. My thoughts rushed over the feel of them again, their soft touch, their sweet taste. I had longed for months to have them on me again. My hand twisted gently in her grip to slip my fingers between hers. I held them tightly in my own without care for how much pain it gave me. I would hold on tighter if it made her believe she was no monster in my eyes. She was just clarke. Simply and beautifully Clarke.

Clarke's breath shook hard against me in her surprise and I feared her rejection of me. I moved back a little, letting her know it was okay if she was not ready for this. I would wait. I would always wait for her.

I felt her lean up as I moved back and I let out a sharp breath at her free hand cupping the back of my neck before her lips caught mine back. She kissed me softly with her fingers stroking gentle lines down my neck. And I trembled in their touch. My heart pounded and roared inside me, pushing me to gasp out against the pain it caused my chest. Clarke's kiss failed to stop on my pain though. Instead it masked it completely. And I enjoyed that.

She pulled me closer over her, pushing my desire for her to its full limit as leant over as she bade. I struggled to breathe as her lips ghosted over mine. I struggled to control the need in me to keep kissing her, to keep touching her. To just be with her.

My hand squeezed gently back against hers and I pulled them both up to brace the ground by her head as I leant over her a little more . Her chest pushed hard against mine in reply and I felt the warm touch of her tongue lick against the bruise on my mouth. My emotions battled a war inside me as I struggled with myself. I wanted to push this further. I wanted her entirely.

Her lips brushed against mine a moment more, filling me with trembles, before she pulled them away suddenly.

I remained frozen above her. Regret was pooling in me already for having stolen this kiss when clearly she wasn't ready for it. She'd just been caught up in the moment. I should have listened to my head. My heart always got hurt when I allowed it freedom to choose for me.

I opened my eyes to her and stared down at the calm blue that always managed to soothe me just right. She looked at me for my understanding. She was hoping I didn't take her withdrawal the wrong way. I nodded at her. I understood. I could wait.

I would always wait.

"Lexa..." She bit her lip and I felt a tremble slide down her. She shook as if in fear and closed her eyes tight.

"I can't go back to the ark" she whispered pained. When she opened her eyes again I could see the tears again, "I'm not ready. Not yet"

I raised my hand to wipe the moisture from her cheek and my stare fixed on my hands still interlocked with hers. It hurt seeing them look so perfect together when I felt so far from being with her. My mind drew back over her words and I couldn't help but compare this to our last kiss. I looked back at her and gave her a gentle smile as I drew my thumb across her lips.

"You will be" I promised her strongly, hoping that my confidence in her would help her build strength in herself.

She looked doubtfully back at me and I searched her eyes a moment before I separated us completely and tipped myself back to the grass beside her.

* * *

The silence that followed hung over us peacefully. It gave me time to think on everything she'd told me tonight. It gave me time to gain control over myself. I listened to her breaths again and began counting them around my thoughts of her as a distraction away from her hand taking mine again. I let her hold it. I wanted her to feel she was safe with me. I wanted her to be soothed from her pain. If she wanted to hold me for that peace I would not begrudge her it. Not when it soothed me too.

 _She won't be ready in time,_ my thoughts whispered as I thought through her earlier plea to avoid the Ark. I glared up at the stars.

 _She has to be,_ I traded coldly. I was thinking with my head now. With the commander. She would not fall weak to Clarke's begs. Not when it endangered her people.

 _You can't force this,_ My heart replied twice as strong in a demand for me to listen.

I closed my eyes. I knew my heart was right. I couldn't make Clarke forgive herself. Even if I could it would take more than this journey back to her people to achieve that. I was just eager to see her at peace with herself.

 _Like you are?_ My heart questioned throwing me an ache for my past grief.

I swallowed heavily and tipped my head back. I looked back at Clarke with tired eyes when the cold of the night around us started to make me shiver. We had been here hours. Soon it would be sunrise.

My eyes moved over her pale skin in the starlight and I smiled at her sleeping soundly beside me. Her arm was draped a little across my waist, her head pressed to my shoulder. I'd never noticed her drifting off against me. I'd been too caught inside my own mind.

I gently stroked her cheek and called her name. She didn't wake like I hoped. Instead she pressed herself closer into me.

I hesitated waking her then. I didn't want to. She seemed so at peace inside her dreams for once. I didn't want to ruin her chance of at last obtaining rest just so I could return her to camp.

I glanced back at the lightening sky and guessed we had a couple hours more until sunrise. As long as I was back at camp before then we could stay here a while longer. But could I really leave my people with the ice nation and their king to lay in my own selfishness with clarke?

 _Heart and not my head..._

The commander part of me was waking my body to get up. It demanded I returned to camp. This mindless choice was not acceptable for a leader.

 _Heart and not my head..._

Leska wanted to stay in Clarke's warmth. She was looking down at her and falling lower under Clarke's hands.

 _Stay,_ my heart begged.


	15. Chapter 15

_**I know! I suck! Update delay due to... just cos? ... :) I apologise if this is crap. I seriously struggled. I'm at that point now of zero fucks.**_

 **So back to the original authors note:**

 **Excuse my French but...HOLY SHIT! SOMEBODY TELL ME THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN! THAT SERIOUSLY DID NOT HAPPEN! YOU CAN'T LET CLEXA BECOME REALITY AND THEN KILL OFF HALF OF IT STRAIGHT AFTER! IT'S WAY TOO CLICHE! LEXA CAN'T DIE! D:**

 **I think I just fell out of love for The 100, people. Just... Agh no! The feels were too much in episode 7. Too much! I feel like the writers handed us a cake and then shat all over it. If Lexa appears in flashbacks or the C.O.L I will flip my shit because that ain't cool! (Psst! I know she does but still!)**

 **There is good news in all this though kids! I am pro team Clexa and trust me, I am not killing off the best character. This is where I take my wet tissues and part ways with the evil writers and their damned emotion straining show! Bring on the wing it plot lines!**

 _ **Mail for reviewers:**_

 _ **odarn: I will refer you to the above statement! I always said I'll write with the show until it breaks our hearts. Pretty safe to say its done that. So you'll still be getting updates from me full to the brim with Lexa :)**_

 _ **HolySheet: *Points to username* I see what you did there :P Thanks for the review! Im glad you're enjoying the story!**_

 _ **SkyMarie90: Thank you for your kind comment! :) I understand why Lexa had to die, as in the actresses commitments, but at the same time did you see next episode? (I legit haven't yet but promos..) It made Lexa's death completely pointless! I'm just hoping now that Clarke doesn't pull a Jasper on us. All I can say is FTWD better be fucking good next season or else!**_

 _ **Jedi Caro: I know how you feel. I needed a little clexa pick me up after the ep too. Im glad the last chapter helped.**_

 _ **WindUpLion: Hello again! Thanks! Had I known the latest ep was going to be that tragic I would have bumped up on the cuteness with one of the other versions I'd written. Hopefully this chapter will help soothe all our hearts!**_

 _ **CloneClubLove: We all enjoyed the show storylines. Up until this point that is..**_

 _ **Sailor Sayuri: Your squealing happy dances keep me writing haha :) I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter. I really want to know what happens next too! The curse of wing it writing, god knows where you'll end up with it. But we'll all find out together huh :) Thanks for another awesome review!**_

 _ **VampAngie007: Jealous Lexa keeps us all happy. But as the commander she needs to rein it in a little... Sharing is caring, am I right? And these two are gonna share a lot. Don't worry about that... Jealous Clarke... hmm... see now...I don't think Clarke's the type to get jealous... *bursts out laughing* I'm only kidding. You can have whatever you want, kid. Read away and enjoy!**_

 **Skip to: Walking Backwards by Leagues.**

* * *

 _ **Get knocked down, get back up...**_

* * *

 **Clarke.**

I kept my eyes on the page. Focusing on my drawing was the only way to stop myself focusing on the commander. Her voice kept carrying across the woods as she yelled orders to her warriors to pack up and ready themselves to continue on. After last night's whispers in the glade it sounded hoarse and harsh. But it did its job on the warriors.

They all rose quickly, some of them grumbling to their feet. They were unhappy with their short rest. An hour hadn't been long enough for them after the extra early rise this morning. Many had questioned their commander's eagerness to break camp and head back on the road to the border. Some had suspicions it was to do with Roan and his disappearance from camp last night. None of them knew the actual truth.

Thankfully.

I remained in my quiet spot against a tree out of the way and continued to sketch. My mind was trying not to list towards my own surprise wake up today. I was trying to keep myself busy from it. But lexa's continued barking of commands echoing around me didn't help. Without meaning to my mind wandered into dangerous memories of her whispers, her hands, her warm body, her lips...

I shook myself. I wouldn't think about it. I couldn't.

Warriors trudged back and forth through the mud around me, calling to each other while they threw packs between themselves. Some I could feel glared my way. They didn't like the fact I didn't have to chip in. Of course none of them thought that I would have gladly helped out if asked. I hated feeling as if I was getting a free ride just because I was a clan ambassador. The special treatment hardly made Lexa's people warm to Skaikru. But I'd been told to stay out of the way. Commander's orders. So I did.

I did my best to ignore their whispers as they moved around me. Instead I watched my hand brushing over my drawing of Lexa's horse. It must be my third one of him now. I enjoyed sketching him. I liked the challenge of catching his strong personality in different poses. Be it in his tall stand beside my horse. Or his proud commanding walk beneath his rider. Or the dark look in his eyes when he was looking at something he didn't like. It took a long time to get the detail just right and I liked that. It gave me time to be distracted away from my problems for a while. It helped me to forget them.

I finished off contouring his hoofs and moved back up the page. I frowned down at my sketchbook in deep concentration as I shaded the stallion's dark eyes. The pupils looked too light and it annoyed me. I had to get the tone of them just right.

I paused a moment to look up at him and I smiled seeing him stood beside my horse in the exact same pose I'd been drawing him in. Watching me. As if he wanted me to draw him.

 _Yeah_ , I thought smiling down at the page again, _He's definitely like Lexa._

"Hey Clarke, you gotta sec?"

I looked up from the sketch to the muddy outline of monroe. I smiled at her messy appearance and nodded to her.

She crouched down beside me and I scooted over a little for her to sit next to me against the tree. She relaxed back with a long tired sigh that said it was the first time she'd rested all morning. When she looked back at me I saw the dark rings under her eyes and the bruising peeking out underneath the grime smudging her chin. I gave her a sad smile in understanding. Training was rough.

"You okay?" she asked giving me a light frown when I nodded. She glanced around at the other warriors with my silent reply and lowered her voice to add, "You weren't around earlier. And I didn't see you come back last night. I thought-"

I quickly nodded over her in my panic to shut her up. I didn't want to talk about that.

"I'm fine. Thanks"

"Where'd you go?" She asked, completely unaffected by the cold coloring in my voice.

I felt my hand tighten around my sketchbook. I was annoyed for her questions. And I wanted to tell her to drop it. It wasn't her concern. But I understood why she was worried. She'd been there for me last night. She'd seen the state I was in when I woke up. She'd stayed when Lexa had walked away. She'd been there for the tears after. I owed her some form of explanation for my sudden up and leaving after that.

I watched her tip her head back against the tree and close her eyes as she waited for my answer. I thought about telling her the truth. I wanted to. I wanted somebody to hear all my dark secrets because maybe doing that would help push off this constant weight I felt pressing me down. Maybe I'd breathe and heal that way. But I knew I couldn't. Not unless I wanted to relive it all.

"For a walk," I lied easily, staring down at my hands. A deep pang of regret ran through my chest with my lie. My heart wanted me to tell somebody already, "I needed to think"

"Nightmares, huh" she blew out a long sigh and looked up at the leafy canvas above us, "They're a bitch"

"You too?" I asked thickly rubbing my fingers into the smudges of charcoal staining them. In my head I saw them dripping with red. Just like they had in my nightmare.

Monroe nodding made me look back at her. She stared lost in her thoughts. Her expression was drawn as if she was seeing something far away. Watching her think about her nightmares made me wonder what she saw when she suffered with them.

She peered back at me when she felt my eyes on her and I saw hers watch my fingers still moving. They filled with hesitant nerves as they narrowed down at my hands. Straight away I stopped and braced myself for it.

"Clarke, you were talking in your sleep..." She paused to look me in the eye before she looked quickly away. She brought her knife out of her belt and started stabbing it in the ground beside her. Something I'd seen her do many times before on the Ark with pens when she had to talk about something she'd rather forget.

My heart started to charge nervously in my chest. I remembered my nightmare. I could guess what she'd heard me say. I could guess what she wanted to ask. I swallowed down the temptation to get up and walk away. Nothing would change if I did that. It wouldn't stop anything. It wouldn't stop her knowing what I'd done.

"Clarke, you mentioned something about a boy... And Bellamy trying to take a gun..." She blew out a deep breath and looked up at me. I don't know what she saw in my expression but it made hers drop in fear, "Did you-"

"Monroe!" Jes' voice boomed over the other warriors and made her second jump.

We both peered around the tree and spotted the warrior looking around for Monroe. Her eyes swept over her fellow warriors and when she failed to spot her second her expression darkened even more. She looked completely pissed.

Monroe cussed under her breath and leapt quickly to her feet and turned back to where her mentor was stood looking angry. Jes spotted her straight away and shouted at her to get over there. I had to hide a laugh. Seeing Jes in mentor mode was something I found a little amusing.

Monroe cut a quick glance down at me with serious eyes that said this talk wasn't over yet. I nodded through the fear that tangled with my relief. I was glad to have avoided another talk about my nightmares. I couldn't handle that. Talking about it made it more real.

 _You told lexa,_ my heart stung sharply, making me remember the conversation I'd had with the commander about it. My mind moved quickly over the painful memory and skipped straight to the moments that had followed after. It soon soothed right down again.

 _Not exactly,_ I reminded it. I'd only told lexa it'd been about the mountain. Nothing else. She'd distracted me completely before I'd had a chance to tell her more.

Without meaning to my mind dipped into memories of her laying beside me in the grass. She'd looked so calm as she'd listened to me talk about the ark. Like she could listen to anything I had to say and it wouldn't matter how bad it was she would still be willing to kiss me after. The way she'd looked at me throughout the entire conversation had had my heart chasing itself dizzy. And when she kissed me...

It hurt remembering the way she'd eased my pain for a while. The way it had felt so incredibly right. For a moment I was me again. The old me. And she'd done that. Like she was the only cure to my madness. My entire body wanted to feel her again. Desperately.

 _Maybe you should tell her the rest,_ my heart tried while the rest of me ached.

I wanted to laugh. I was not about to tell the commander how I'd murdered a child. No way. Lexa could be a cold and cruel when she needed to be but I knew hearing what I'd done would earn me her disgust. And I couldn't bear seeing that. Not from her.

Monroe was still stood watching me when I glanced back. She gave me a curious look for my distracted expression before she left my side. I breathed slowly out once she was gone to calm my nerves and returned my attention to my sketchbook. I looked down to my sketch of Lexa's horse again and busied myself with finishing it. Anything to get me focused on something that wasn't my messed up life.

My mind calmed as I followed the detail of the drawing. My right hand held my piece of charcoal and carefully followed his body up. I glanced over at Lexa's horse still watching me and I decided the edging of his eyes needed to be darker. They needed to stand out. Like hers did when she wore her warpaint. I licked the tip of my thumb and gently smudged it into the page to darken the ring of his eyes. I tilted my head at it and then glanced back at him still watching me. I smiled.

 _Better._

"I hope you don't show him that"

I jumped at the voice in my ear and leapt up out of fright. The book fell from my lap as I span around. The commander was stood leant against the tree I'd been sat by, arms crossed with a slight smirk at my fright. I hadn't heard her sneak up on me.

I shot lexa an angry look for her trick. She simply stared back and pushed her shoulder off the tree. I watched her eyes glance along the ground and then her slow bend to collect up the sketchbook from the mud. Her arm braced her stomach and her entire body tensed as she awkwardly straightened up again, and I immediately took a step forward to help. She ignored me and looked down at the book in her hands. Luckily the short drop to the ground had made the book close on itself. Keeping my drawings safe. Lexa opened it and I caught her eyes gleaming impressed over the new sketch before she handed it back to me.

"We are near the border" she told me sticking strictly to business, "Another day and we will be free to travel to the Ark. Soon you will be with your people"

I frowned back at her monotone. She spoke as if I wanted to return to the ark. I didn't understand it. Not after everything we'd shared last night.

 _She's upset about that kiss,_ I realised as Lexa avoided my eyes and strode around me.

I turned with her but stopped short with my thoughts.

 _Really?_

Lexa had a firm grip over her emotions. She could easily push them aside if they affected a political relationship with somebody she needed to work with. So why the cold treatment?

 _Because thats how Lexa copes?,_ my mind suggested. I stared at her back as she walked further away from me. That wasn't it. Something else was going on here.

I started to call after her. I wanted to know what her problem was. If it was last night then I needed to explain myself. She had to know that it wasn't a rejection of her. Not in the slightest. Because I'd waited months for that to happen again. I just didn't trust myself to trust her like that.

 _Not yet._

Lexa ignored me to mount up. And when I walked after her Cain stepped in my way with his spear outstretched to stop me. He had hold of my horse's reins and he pulled on them when I tried stepping around him, using the horse to block my path to the commander. I frowned at him and told him to get out of the way.

" _When you have known Heda as long as I have,_ " he began, taking my arm and turning me around, " _You will know when she wishes not to speak"_

I gave him a confused look for his advice. My eyes cut back to lexa over my shoulder as he walked me away. She was watching me closely, but when my eyes met hers she quickly pulled her horse around and shouted for her warriors to begin the march on. She continued to avoid my eyes after and it made me realise she was seriously pissed about something.

It could've been last night. But I didn't understand why. Not after how understanding she'd been when I'd moved away from her kiss. And especially not after how reassuring she seemed this morning when we'd walked back to camp together. She genuinely seemed to respect my choice to stop things going too far.

 _Maybe she's mad about something else..._

 _"Don't worry_ " Cain chuckled bringing my attention back round to his smile, " _Give her an hour and she will be riding by your side again"_

 _I doubt that._

He returned me to my tree and tipped his head back when Lexa called loudly down the line suddenly. She turned back after and began walking her horse towards us. Cain's eyes were hard on Lexa as she moved past us and I caught her shake her head at him before she kicked her horse to walk faster. She slowed again some way down the trail.

Roan came up the line quickly after and he followed after her on his own horse with a sly smirk for me as he passed. I frowned after him while I watched him approach her. Lexa's head moved to acknowledge his presence and I realised she'd meant for him to follow. Which made no sense to me. Lexa made it no secret she couldn't stand the king. Usually she went out of her way to avoid speaking with him.

 _That explains why she was moody..._

 _But why are they speaking in private,_ I wondered to myself.

 _"If we knew that they wouldn't need to speak in private_ " Cain answered me and I looked back at him startled. I hadn't realised I'd spoken aloud.

I nodded back even though I wasn't paying attention at all. I was entirely focused on Lexa and Roan. For the pair to be speaking that calmly to each other something bad must have happened. I just didnt know what. And it was torture trying to guess what.

I watched on confused as the two leaders spoke with one another. And I continued to worry deeply. My heart picked up scared in my chest. It was waiting for something bad to happen. I didn't doubt their patience for each other, or fear Lexa's capabilities to protect herself against him. I just feared the war it would start if one of them decided to kill the other. Usually they couldn't go a conversation without glaring at each other.

 _"You should ready yourself, wanheda"_ My attention returned to cain. He nodded around at the other warriors starting their march and handed me my horse's reins, "They will not wait for you"

Warriors had started to walk past us after the commander. My own horse was nudging me in the shoulder as if to back him up. I patted her nose and nodded to him. Cain bowed his head and quickly turned to sprint after the commander. I watched his rush to reach his leader. Clearly he believed she was in danger with Roan. And that didn't help my worry.

My eyes fell past his run to where lexa and the king were speaking privately ahead. They walked their horses close to one another with bowed heads for their talk. My eyes strayed over Lexa's back as she rode. She sat tensed in her saddle, like she expected something to happen any second. It was screamed loud in her posture as she rode. She didn't trust Roan.

The king was the complete opposite. He was slightly slouched against his horse, leaning on the saddle as if he seemed bored with riding. Maybe to him walking himself all the way to the border was easier than riding. Maybe he'd have preferred it too. I forced my eyes to focus on his back. His hands were hidden in front of him. To hold, I hoped, his reins. It was clear in the way he sat that he saw no threat from Lexa. Or if he did he hid his doubts well. He just sat in her company and listened to what she said obediently. I felt a little gratitude towards him. He was trying and in doing so it set a good example for his people. It gave hope that he would be a good king willing to work alongside the rest of us.

He looked sideways to the commander speaking and I saw his head tilt in a curt nod. He said something in return and I saw her hand twitch down a little suddenly towards the knife she had sheathed against her thigh.

 _Or not,_ I sighed internally and watched anxiously as they carried on speaking. I held my breath and waited for her to take up her knife and attack him. I knew killing Roan was something Lexa always gave thought to. Whatever he'd done to her in the past clearly screamed for blood back. It made me worry just how long she would hold back on herself for it.

 _What did he do?_ , I wondered frustrated again. If I could understand that then I could understand why they refused to get along.

It took a couple seconds but Lexa's hand slowly began to move away from the knife to hang empty and open at her side. I let out my breath and worried again over what they were discussing. What would they be talking about that would have her struggling not to kill him?

 _Maybe he's asking her permission to invite me back to Azgeda again..._

I seriously hoped not. I had no interest in going back there with him.

"Clarke!"

I dragged my eyes away from Lexa and looked behind me. I found Jes riding towards me on her own horse. I turned to her with a fond smile for her horse when he knocked his head against my shoulder. Behind me my horse did the same. She saw the warriors leaving without us and wanted to be leaving too.

 _"Nice horse"_ I told Jes between their pushes.

She gave a light laugh and commanded her horse back. I just looked down and gave him the pat he'd been after before I turned back to my own animal.

I neatly pulled the reins over her head and moved myself round to open the saddlebag. I could feel Jes' eyes latch curious on my sketchbook as I rested it against the saddle and I looked up when she asked about it. I didn't tell her. I didn't want to.

Instead I busied myself with slipping it into the bag and fixing the buckles to keep it secure while I rode.

My eyes cut back to the marching warriors briefly while I did. I could just see Lexa up ahead, still riding alone with Roan. Cain walked briskly behind with a hand clenched tight around his spear. It had me frowning again. I didn't like it.

"Would you mind my riding with you today?" I heard Jes ask. I glanced back at her and shook my head. The company would be nice.

She beamed and patted her hand against the empty saddle beside her. I smiled tiredly back and hauled myself up onto my horse.

It shook its head when I was sat and I clicked at her to walk. She took a bouncing step forward into a brisk trot after the others, too excited in moving again to care much about the warriors she knocked out of her way. Obviously she was eager to follow them.

"She is eager to ride" Jes commented with a laugh when she caught up with us.

I nodded back at her and stroked my horse's neck where her mane began. I felt a shiver roll through her at my touch and I smiled as I noted down the new pleasure spot. Jes stretched a hand out to stroke its white coat too. I asked her where Monroe was when I noticed she wasn't walking beside her warrior.

"Running patrol with the other seconds" she told me with a scanning glance at the trees around us. I nodded with a sympathetic thought to Monroe. It must suck having to circle us while we walked.

For hours we silently followed the same slow pace behind Lexa and Roan. Jes could see I was distracted and left me to stare blind at the trail. My thoughts had returned to worry over the two leaders and just what they were talking about. I hoped it was peace talks.

My mind raced back to Lexa's behaviour before and it had me questioning our relationship as leader and ambassador. If I'd upset her enough to make her avoid me I would have to fix it. I couldn't afford to let my personal feelings get Skaikru in trouble. Kane and my mom were depending on me to keep Lexa happy with us. They needed this alliance to work. I couldn't mess it up.

 _Which is why I cant be with her_ , I moped miserably.

My heartbeat slowed pathetically with my thoughts but my mind was still sharp and ready to make me overthink my own musings.

 _Its not the only reason_ , It reminded, throwing me hazy images of Lexa turning her back on me at the mountain.

I glared down at my horse's neck. Anger was filtering my blood suddenly. I didn't want to think about that. I'd only just started to like Lexa again.

I reached my hand out and threaded my fingers through the long tangles of my horse's mane to calm myself. She knocked her head up happily at the attention and it made me light enough in my thoughts to smile down at her.

"Have your learned her name yet?" Jes asked calling my attention back to her.

I frowned confused for her question and saw her hand reach out to pat my horse's neck gently. I looked back at her when I realised what she was asking,

"I thought you didn't name them?" I questioned her.

Jes smiled then. She was happy I'd remembered. She nodded back at me, "We don't. Usually. But sometimes a warrior will give one after they have been to battle together"

I nodded my understanding. It only seemed logical for a warrior to name their horse after they'd bonded enough.

"Did you name yours?" I asked admiring his brown eyes fixed entirely on the road. Jes shook her head at me.

"The gods do not favour those who name what is not theirs"

I looked away then, afraid I'd insulted her in some way. I found all their beliefs confusing to keep up with.

"Would you like to know her name?" Jes asked watching me thread my fingers thoughtfully through my horse's mane again.

I nodded and slid my eyes back to her, "It'd be nice to stop calling her 'Horse'" I said with a hitched smile.

Jes' eyes lit amused before she peered down at my horse with a fond sort of look.

"Meesha" she softly called and the horse reared her head up in excited acknowledgment. Like it'd been a while since she'd heard her name being called.

My hands tightened on the reins to calm her and I smiled as I repeated the name to myself. When I spoke her body shivered beneath me, as if she enjoyed the sound of my voice saying her name. I chuckled and patted her side.

 _I like you too_ , I thought fondly to her.

"Does it mean anything?" I asked. I was interested to know why she'd been called it. If the name held any value.

Jes nodded and I instantly gave her my full attention. I was curious to know and even more eager to have anything to distract me away from my own mind for a while.

"Meesha was the first warrior to serve our people" The warrior smiled at my surprise and continued to explain, "The legends say she was the only witness to the first commander being born from the great tree"

My eyes drifted ahead towards Lexa then. I remembered her telling me of the first commander and how her throne was made from the tree's branches. I nodded jes on and she beamed a little seeing my attention set completely on her,

"She served the first commander for years. As her loyal advisor and bodyguard. The commander trusted no one else. With Meesha's help our people lived in peace.

But one day an assassin from another clan attacked. And Meesha was not there to protect her commander. When she heard of her commander's death she rode day and night back to the great tree to declare her grief and beg the gods for forgiveness for her failure. Seeing her pain they took pity on her and transformed her"

"What do you mean?" I asked enthralled by the story.

Jes looked back at me with a smile for my curious eyes,

"I mean, they had seen how loyal she had been. How brave. How strong. She truly was a great and noble warrior. They wanted to keep her spirit forever with the commander's so it would protect it.

So they invited her deep into the tree's roots and offered her a deal out of her pain. She accepted and the gods made her sleep. When she awoke she was no longer bonded to the human form. She was a great horse. The first white horse to walk the earth"

Jes looked down at my horse then with a proud look for it before she added,

"There has been a single white horse present in every commander's reign. Our people believe each one of them have held Meesha's spirit. So she can guide their rider to protect the commander"

I was smiling with her story but I knew from my history lessons on the Ark that it had no validity. Horses had roamed the earth for millions of years. Not to mention turning a human into a horse was just fairy tale nonsense. But I didn't want to hurt her faith or insult her culture by calling her out on it.

So I nodded thoughtfully and stared down at the animal carrying me. I felt honoured to have been given a horse that clearly was a big thing to the grounders.

 _Lexa must trust me a lot to let me ride her._

It made me incredibly proud to think so anyway.

I gave a thought to her previous rider. I wondered what happened to them. And who they had been. Either they were especially important to be allowed to name their horse after such a huge legend, or they had been incredibly stupid and punished for it.

"Who was her rider?" I finally asked and watched jes' eyes fall sadly with my question.

"Ada" she husked and then frowned at herself. She lifted her chin and stared emotionless ahead, "His name was Ada"

"And who was he?" I wondered aloud. Jes answered me anyway.

"He was the commander's personal bodyguard. And my closest friend"

I studied her a moment and watched her struggle to hold her emotions in. This Ada had meant a lot to her. I could tell from the way her eyes looked at everything but me. I knew she was trying not to cry. I gave her her privacy and looked at the road. I drifted my eyes up to Lexa's back again and wondered why she no longer had a personal guard. What had happened to him?

Jes watched me think and quietly answered my thoughts, "The commander sent him to find something she believed would help her stop this war with Azgeda"

Her eyes stared ahead at the trail of warriors walking in front of her then, avoiding me completely. I stared at her a moment before I got it.

 _Me. It was me._

I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. She'd lost her friend because of me.

"Jes" I breathed and shook my head, "I'm so sorry"

"You are not to blame" she told me lightly then turned her eyes coldly towards lexa, "She is"

"But if I hadn't been missing Lexa wouldn't have sent him after me and he'd still be alive!" I argued feeling the guilt rock through me in vicious waves. I couldn't handle knowing another person had died for me.

The warrior shook her head at me and stretched over to grip my wrist gently. She gave me a brave smile and told me, "Do not apologise for her mistakes, Clarke. You did not ask for Ada to be sent after you. His loss is her guilt. Not yours"

I shook my head and pulled myself free of her. I wouldn't accept that. I couldn't.

A horse approaching quickly stole my attention away from the warrior and secretly I was grateful for it. I couldn't handle her forgiveness. Not when I was the reason for her friend being gone. It must kill her to see me on his horse.

"His spirit will return to his people, Clarke" she reassured with a determined look when I glanced back at her, "In one form or another Ada will return"

I looked away from that reassuring smile I couldn't handle seeing and looked up at the rider stopping at my side. She quickly passed on a message from Lexa requesting my immediate presence and then kicked her horse on to gallop back to the front. I watched her go and tightened my grip on Meesha's reins. I was instantly thrown back into my earlier worries. I couldn't help but be scared over what Lexa wanted with me.

With one last look of apology to Jes I quickly urged Meesha out of the line into a quick trot aside the walking warriors towards the front of the march. We slowed in our approach to Lexa and walked a couple paces behind to wait for her to finish her talk with roan. I frowned down at the ground with their talk but they were speaking too fast for me to understand what they said. My tree slang wasn't that great and it annoyed me. I wanted to know what was so important.

 _Be patient,_ my heart told me. I tried but it was incredibly hard. I'd been on edge all morning. Not knowing was like torture.

The King was nodding at Lexa in agreement when his eyes cut back to me quietly following them. The commander looked back too and quickly dismissed him. He bowed low to her and I eyed his brief smirk to me as he whipped his horse back down the line. I turned my head to watch him leave. I didn't trust that smile and I was beginning to not trust him.

"Are you ready to begin today's training?"

The ice in her voice made me look back at her. Her eyes were emotionless as she looked at me for my answer. I thought about it as I nudged Meesha to walk up beside Lexa's horse. My shoulder ached in thought to training but I nodded at her regardless. Training meant being alone with her.

She nodded approvingly at my agreement and then looked away to the road.

"Then you'll begin immediately. Roan is to be your teacher today"

I stared back at her. Roan? But why?

"Why him?" I questioned staring at her tense look for the road ahead, "Why not you?"

Lexa let out a deep breath at me,

"You must train first as a warrior, Clarke" she glanced briefly back to me then quickly away, "Then as a commander"

I stared back at her. I didn't understand. She'd asked to train me herself. She'd wanted that. And now she was handing me off to the next warrior. Why?

"I don't want to train with him" I told her strongly.

Lexa's eyes flitted back to me and then away again. Like she couldn't bear to look at me. I swallowed the hurt that came with watching it. I saw her hands tighten a little on her reins and watched her face slide into that cold mask she wore so well.

"Do you fear roan?" She asked me bluntly.

I glared back at her. I wasn't afraid of roan. But I was afraid of her intentions behind letting him train me. I was scared she was just using me as his punchbag so that when I returned to her she could take my blood and use it as evidence for provocation from the ice nation to declare war on them.

 _She wouldn't do that,_ my heart calmed _, Lexa wants to maintain peace. She just wants you to learn from other warri_ ors.

 _I don't want other warriors_ , I threw back at it.

"No" I told her honestly. She tilted her head at me.

"Then you no longer trust in his loyalty for me?"

Her eyes held mine then and they refused to move away. She was trying to get me to admit she was right. That Roan couldn't be trusted. If I said yes I knew she would go ahead and break this alliance because she trusted me enough to endanger her people like that. If I told her again that she was wrong she would still make me train with him, just to prove that she could. It felt like either way lexa would win.

I studied her cold eyes and silently questioned why she was acting this way. The only reason I could come up with was the glade.

"Is this punishment?" I began slowly. She ignored me so I knew it was. I reached over and gently took her sleeve, "Lexa... Look, I know you're upset about-"

She pulled her hand away and gave me another of her cold looks.

"This is not personal, Clarke. And you should know better than to believe it is" She paused a moment and then looked back to the road, "Roan holds some remarkable abilities.." Her face twisted with her compliment of the King and she looked back at me, "He can teach you things"

"You mean he can teach me how to knock you down and spear you" I snapped back at her. I was angry she wouldn't listen to me. Angry she'd happily hand me off to the man she'd openly declared she didn't trust. After all her arguments on Roan this offer of his training me didn't make any sense.

Lexa's eyes had flashed a dark green at my insult. I watched her jaw clench tight with her anger. She tipped her head down and I saw her breathe calmly to herself while she stared at her reins. I took the same time to ready myself for her anger.

Lexa's eyes glanced back at me and she began in a dead husky voice, "To knock down a commander is no easy feat. You can learn much from him"

I shook my head at her. I couldn't believe she was still trying to push this.

 _She has something else planned here.._ She had to. She did everything for a reason. I just had to figure out what this one was.

"I can learn from you too" I gently told her, eyes softly begging her to let me carry on with her.

She looked emotionless back at me and shook her head. She was dead set on this. Nothing I would say could change her mind.

"I have already spoken with roan" she announced sharply, "And he has agreed. It's done"

"But-"

Lexa sent me a dark look to silence me before I could talk my way out of it. It was only as she looked at me that I saw how tired she looked. Her eyes were dark and tinted a little with blue. It mesmerised me enough to shut me up.

"You will train with King roan and I'll hear no more of it"

I heard the command in her voice then and felt my heart sink miserably. I had no choice. I would have to train with roan as she ordered. It just hurt knowing she would give me the order in the first place. And it cut a little into my trust for her. Because it meant she was the same lexa she had been on that mountain. Her promises still meant nothing.

 _She can't change._

And I thought myself an idiot for thinking she ever could.

I moved my eyes down away from her face and bowed low to her, _"As you command, Heda"_

I saw her head lift back to me but I turned my horse round and readied myself to ride to where Roan was waiting. The reins were loose in my reluctant hand as I whispered for Meesha to walk on.

She took a step forward but Lexa grabbed my forearm before I could ride away. I looked up at her and saw her struggling to stay emotionless as she looked down at me.

"It's not..." She paused and looked down at her hand on my arm. She loosened her grip and her thumb brushed over my jacket towards my dads watch. Lexa looked slowly back at me, eyes softer this time, and released a tired sigh, "It's not a command. Clarke... I only want what's best for you"

I twisted myself to face her and gave her a strong look,

"Sending me off to train with the Ice Nation King is not what's best for me"

Her eyes locked deeply onto mine and I watched her struggle to keep herself emotionless. She looked like she wanted to agree. In fact she looked entirely like she agreed. But she also looked like she knew she couldn't let me talk my way out of it. She was the commander first. And I understood that. Bitterly.

Lexa glanced down at my hand moving to touch hers on my arm. She drew in a sharp breath when my fingers overlapped hers and I wondered if she too was thinking about how tightly they'd been locked together last night. In total partnership. I wanted that now. I wanted us to agree.

Lexa frowned a moment and nodded to her thoughts. She squeezed my arm gently. It gave me hope that she'd reconsidered her desire for me to train with roan. That maybe I would be avoiding a cruel death today after all.

I should have known when she sent me that dazzling smile of hers that she would still have her way.

"Train with Roan today" she told me brushing her thumb over my hand when my face fell hopelessly, "Tonight when I return we will continue on as we always have"

 _If I make it to tonight,_ I thought cynically to myself. My mind shook in fear for myself.

I frowned when I registered what she'd said.

 _When she returns?_

"You're leaving?" I questioned staring at her confused.

Lexa measured my expression before she nodded, "I have business in a nearby village. A clan leader is waiting there to speak with me about allowing Roan's army to pass through their village. It wont be easy but I hold hope that they will listen to their heda"

"And what if they don't listen to you?" I asked with a cold feeling running down my back. Lexa didn't even blink.

"They will listen" she told me in a dark voice that promised punishment if anybody denied her.

I nodded. I didn't agree with it but that was their way.

"Which leader?" I asked, thinking back to the ones whose ambassadors had leapt up to throw their commander down. Lexa looked back at me and scanned my expression before she told me curtly,

"That is not your concern"

I nodded though I felt disappointed she couldn't trust me enough to tell me. I looked away and watched my fingers thread through Meesha's mane. I felt the commander watch me curiously but refused to look back at her like she wanted. I heard Lexa sigh in heavy resignation after a moment,

"Kiki" she relented. I looked back at her and she smiled gently to me, "I'm going to speak with Kiki"

I saw her eyes shine happily at the mention of her friend and I felt a coil of irritation roll through me for it. She seemed eager to leave me to see the woodland leader. Eager enough even to leave me in the very capable and dangerous hands of her enemy. It made me wonder just how friendly the two were and if they had history at all. Thinking about it made me mad.

"Kiki, the leader who tries to leave with your arm every time you say goodbye?" I snapped irritably. I froze the second I heard myself.

 _Shit!_

I glanced back at her fearfully. So much for not messing things up with lexa. Now she definitely would be pissed.

Lexa's brow had risen in surprise to my sudden hostility towards her friend and I swallowed waiting for her punishment. Her eyes cut deeply into me and it made me tremble guessing all the thoughts that must be filling her head right now.

Cain's voice called out to her suddenly and thankfully for me she tilted her head back towards the line of warriors reaching us. She nodded down at her guard in silent command and then watched him run back through the warriors.

" _Heda"_ A few of them greeted as they walked around us. We both looked down at their slight smiles and realised together what they must be seeing when they saw her hand on my arm.

I immediately straightened in my saddle and she quickly withdrew her hand and distanced herself a little more from me. I told myself to believe it was for the warriors' sakes. She didnt want to look weak in front of them by showing affection to another. Especially when it was me. Not in front of the Ice Nation.

And yet a big part of me wanted to believe she'd moved away to save herself from wanting to be closer.

She stared at me a moment. My heart paced unevenly under her eyes. It was scared for her to speak. She frowned ever so slightly, as if something was tickling her mind and she couldn't stop it. I couldn't help the fluttering in my chest when she looked confused like that. She had to know sitting there under her eyes like that was killing me.

Lexa moved her attention away briefly and urged her horse to turn around against the flow of warriors. They gave way to her so she could stand facing the same way as me and simply walked around our horses. She looked down at me again with a tilted head and tired eyes swimming with questions. I found it hard concentrating when she looked at me like that. My eyes were just following the different shades of exhaustion in hers.

"You disapprove of my friendship with Kiki?" she asked in obvious confusion for my behaviour. I was shaking my head before she could finish posting her question. I didn't care for her friendship with anyone. It wasn't my business.

I kept my face turned away from her, "Tell her I said hi"

"Clarke.." Her voice was heavy with amusement all of a sudden and when I glimpsed toward her I saw her eyes matched it.

I shrugged her hand off me when she tried to reach over to squeeze my shoulder. Though my heart liked the affection the rest of me saw it as a tease for my irrational jealousy. I didn't even understand why I was getting so moody about it. And that only angered me more.

I kicked Meesha on back through the tide of warriors to find roan. Lexa called after me.

"Clarke, wait!"

I ignored her and continued my ride. A couple heartbeats later I heard Lexa following me.

She rode up beside me but I refused to look at her. Instead I proceeded to ride as if she wasn't there. Her amusement for my sudden behaviour rang loud in her silent ride beside me as we progressed slowly back on ourselves to the back of the march. The flow of warriors walking around us pushed the two horses slowly closer together, and an electric shock flowed up my leg when hers accidentally brushed it.

I quickly stumbled over an a apology and cringed a little as I moved Meesha away from lexa's horse. I was still waiting to hear her reproach for my disrespect against her friend. She must be angry at me. I would be.

I peeked back at her when she stayed silent and I studied her hard stare at the warriors below her. She looked as if she were thinking incredibly hard about something. It entranced me a little but I didn't know why. Watching her think just calmed me somehow.

She glanced back at me when she felt my stare and she nodded briskly to the clear edge of the trail beside her. I felt all nervous again when she started to speak.

"Come. Roan waits for you"

I stared again as she sent her horse into a brisk trot out of the tide of warriors. I'd been expecting anger. And instead she was escorting me?

"Clarke!" She called over her shoulder when I failed to follow.

I quickly retreated out of my surprise and kicked Meesha on to trot after the commander.

"Roan has been given instructions to hold off on using any weapon against you" she told me the second I caught up with her. I nodded gratefully. She continued, "He will be teaching you how to use your hands in a fight"

I cringed in my saddle. That was hardly reassuring. I'd seen and felt Roan fight with his hands. I didn't stand a chance even in training.

"I'll try not to fall too much" I promised her meekly. She looked back at me sternly.

"Make sure you do not. Your inability to stand against him will show me to be a poor teacher"

"You're only as strong as the teacher teaching you?" I guessed. She nodded solemnly.

 _Okay,_ I told myself, _Don't fall on your ass, Griffin._

We rode to the very end of the procession to where Cain was stood facing us. Roan was already dismounted and standing alone behind him swinging his sword in his hand. I felt a scared breath leave me as I watched the blade catch and throw the sunlight around the king's body. Knowing I had to train with him when he had that to hand made me real nervous.

Lexa sensed my mounting fear and slowed her horse and reached to slow mine too. Her hand secretly held mine over the reins. Her eyes cut back to me strongly. She had every confidence that I could do this. She expected me to.

 _Don't let me down_ , her eyes said to me.

I nodded back at her and kicked my horse on.

 _I don't plan to._

Roan looked up at our approach. His eyes cut between me and the commander. At her quick look to his sword he quickly sheathed it and returned it to its place on his horse's saddle. For the most part that made me feel better about this training.

Cain strode forward as I hopped down from my horse and he quickly gripped the reins and mounted up on Meesha in my place. I glared up at him.

"What're you doing?" I demanded taking a step to grab the strap on Meesha's nose before he had a chance to turn her. She reared a little from my touch and I calmed her gently.

Cain looked towards Lexa when I looked up at his silence. Her expression was soft when she saw me calm the horse but she soon erased it into a harder one and looked calmly down at me.

"Cain will be riding with me to the village" she explained blandly, "He needs a horse. You do not"

"How am I supposed to catch up with the others later?" I questioned back to break their logic.

Roan strode forward then and smiled at me.

"You'll run" he told me simply.

I stared back him. They expected me to train with roan and then run miles against his horse to catch up with the others? Did they honestly think I'd be in a fit enough state for that after he had his fun beating me to a pulp?

 _How the fuck?!_ I shouted at them all in my mind.

Lexa saw me quietly deciding to refuse the training altogether and stepped down off her horse to face me. Her eyes cut back to roan to ask for privacy and I heard him walk away. Behind her Cain did the same. She waited for them both to be some distance away before she took a tentative step closer.

"Clarke-" I shook my head over whatever piece of reassurance she was going to give me. All her sugar coated words combined wouldn't make me believe I would survive this.

"Lexa, I don't think I can do this" I panicked to her, "Fighting him is one thing-"

"Training is not the same as fighting" she reminded gently and placed her hands on my shoulders to stop me pacing away from her, "And the others will wait for you at the post. Even if it takes you days to get to them" Lexa paused to study my doubtful expression before she added, "Clarke, you can do this. I have every faith in you"

My heart bumped with her sincerity and I felt myself nod weakly at her. She smiled then and it gave me the strength to stand taller.

"Besides," She lowered her hands and glanced over my shoulder with a hard look and a slight nod. Lexa's voice blurred between anger and humour as she asked me, "Did you really believe I would leave you alone with him?"

I frowned and looked back too. I shook with surprise when I saw Jes striding out of the trees behind Roan with Monroe at her side. The King wasn't surprised by their arrival at all. He'd been expecting them. Which made me breathe calmer in relief. I wouldn't be murdered then. Jes would stop Roan from going too far.

I turned back to Lexa with a grateful nod for her concern for me. She gave me a tiny smile and turned back to her horse. She quickly leapt up into her saddle and pulled the stallion around. Her attention turned over the warriors behind me and I could tell she was fixing it entirely on Roan when her eyes dropped icily with murder.

"I will see you later, at nightfall" she promised shifting her eyes back to me, "Come find me when you return. I want to know what you learn from the King"

I registered the hint hiding in her voice then. She looked down at me patiently, waiting for me to get it. I felt like throwing her off her horse when I finally understood.

 _She wants me to interrogate him,_ I realised. It explained why she was so weird before. She was trying to push me into spying on him.

Now she was asking.

I blew out a short breath and nodded. I understood her reasons why she wanted information. I just didn't like playing the sleuth in this game of hers. I was scared it'd get me killed.

I raised a hand in farewell to her. She accepted my agreement with a brighter look down at me and raised her hand up too before she kicked her horse on. My heart pined a little as she and Cain rode away. I didnt like this. I didn't like knowing she would be out there with only her one guard to protect her. Just like I didn't like playing spy kid against the Ice Nation king. A large part of me feared for us both meeting one another later.

 _Be brave,_ my head ordered over the scared panting of my heart.

Footsteps crunched against the ground behind me as I watched Lexa leave and I felt his arm brush mine as he crossed it over his chest on his stop beside me.

"I think she's hoping you'll kill me for her" he joked looking back at me with a smile. I would have smiled back if I didn't think what he said might be a little bit true.

Roan saw that I didn't like his joke and uncrossed his arms and turned to walk away. My eyes returned to Lexa's riding swiftly down the trail.

 _It's only today,_ I reminded myself.

"Ready, Wanheda?" Roan softly called.

I looked back at him waiting for me with Jes and Monroe by the trees and swallowed heavily to myself at the suicide I was about to try and dodge. The king tugged his horse off the road when I turned back to them and the two warriors followed. My eyes strayed back to lexa's disappearing figure in the distance before I began my walk after them. I stared at Roans back as he lead the way into the woods and I thought about this new mission to get information on him.

I couldn't help but think a little prayer for myself.

* * *

"Harder!" Roan barked and I glared as I put my all into my punch at his waiting open palm.

We'd spent the last two hours playing target practice and still he kept shouting at me. It was beginning to give me a headache. The only comfort I got from it was watching his skin grow more and more red from the abuse. Secretly I hoped he couldn't use his hands later.

I swung again and he nodded happier with my effort and moved his hands. My eyes followed them and I quickly moved to hit them in each new target he placed them in. Roan watched me continuously as I did. He was watching how I moved and sometimes he would hint for me to change my stance. I did my best to keep up with him. But he was a fast teacher. Where Lexa was patient Roan was the complete opposite. He got annoyed quick when I failed to hear his order a first time.

"Left!" he shouted suddenly and threw a punch forward to my right.

I ducked my head back and felt the side of his fist just graze the side of my jaw. He looked back at me impressed as he withdrew it and raised his hands again to return to the exercise. I blew out an irritated breath and told myself to just do as he said. Lexa was counting on me to show roan she was a good teacher. I refused to let her down.

I took up my stance again and shook my hands out before I fisted them tightly and punched his open palms. Roan watched me silently for a moment. When I glanced up at him he was smiling a little.

"What?" I asked him through gritted teeth as I punched his right hand hard. I smiled to myself when it made him stumble back.

"Just thinking" he replied moving back into place.

"That's worrying" I mumbled ducking his sudden swing out at me and twisting myself to hit up at the target he set me above my head.

I hit it but span myself away from him suddenly when the pain running down my back got too much. I breathed a little deeply around it and forced myself to turn back to him. When I raised my hands again my skin flinched from the strain it pulled on my shoulder.

Roan nodded his approval for my attack and started to walk around me, hands raised for me to hit as he moved.

"You seemed reluctant for this lesson" he said smiling at my quick punches to his hands. I guess he either didn't see my pain or was ignoring it.

"Not reluctant" _...Much..._ "Just cautious. I've seen you fight, Roan"

"And it scares you to learn from me" he guessed with a deep frown as if he cared about that.

I shrugged back at him. It wasn't true but it wasn't exactly false either. Roan was smirking a little with my reply and I found it irritating.

"Don't worry" he told me grinning, "After today you won't have to think about me again"

 _If only that were true.._ I knew he would constantly be a worry to Lexa. Solely based on the power he held now. And if it was a worry for her then there was no doubt it would be a worry for me too.

I punched his hand and then looked back at him and studied his smile. I could see he was eager to go home. And I never really asked why.

"You look forward to being King of your people?" I asked thinking how personally I'd hate the job. Roan shook his head at me. Looked like he agreed.

"Leading my people was never what I wanted"

"But you would have eventually" I told him, "If Lexa hadn't..."

I stopped myself mentioning it. I still had no idea whether Roan grieved for his mother's death or not. And right now I didn't really feel like upsetting him when he had permission to punch me.

"You would have succeeded her eventually" I said softly instead.

He shrugged, "I suppose I had hoped to be pushed aside in her plans for after her death. Now it doesn't matter"

I nodded. It seemed a fair enough assumption to have after banishment.

A hoarse cry went up behind me suddenly and I glanced over my shoulder with a little smile for Monroe going at Jes with a stick. The two had taken to their own training to pass the time and it was clearly taking its toll on monroe. She was sluggish in her movements and breathing wildly. I watched on as she went sloppily at Jes and I winced to myself when she was slammed down the second she leapt at her warrior. Jes simply sighed at her gasping second on the ground and rolled her eyes towards me, a smile tugging at her lips when she caught me watching.

I gave her a silent plea to play nice and looked away to roan as Monroe groaned back to her feet. He'd stopped to watch them too but quickly snapped back to his role as teacher. He ordered me to continue on.

"You said your people wouldn't be hap-" I cut off quick to block his surprise punch and pushed him back with an angry huff, "Happy" I continued annoyed. He simply smirked back, "What if they revolt against you?"

Roan laughed, "They could try"

It was hard not rolling my eyes. Lexa was right. He was arrogant.

"Lexa nearly lost her power" I reminded him as I threw a punch to his hand again, "And she's pretty much the top dog, right? If she can be unseated, whats to stop you seeing the same end?"

He looked back at me then and I could tell it was something he'd been thinking about a lot. The rings under his eyes said as much. I felt sorry for him but at the same time I knew he needed to get a grip on it. His fear to lead his people would make him too easy to overthrow. A weak king was a useless king.

 _Ironic, isn't it?_ My heart whispered, reminding me how I was in the same damn boat as Roan when it came to leading others. Neither of us wanted it but both of us had to bear it.

Roan looked back at me with an easy smile that smoothed his features. Suddenly all his concerns seemed to vanish. He let out a breath and told me with a grin, "It is as you said, Wanheda"

I frowned, completely lost, "What did I say?"

"Nobody can throw a king out of his kingdom"

A tingle of guilt rolled up my fingertips while I remembered telling him that. I'd said it to get him to help me. If he thought like that for real though I was scared what would happen when he returned to Azgeda.

I told myself to stop caring about it. It wasn't my problem. This alliance was my only priority.

"And maintaining peace?" I raised cutting straight to lexa's main concern, "Will you keep it?"

Roan's eyes found mine. He was silent in his nod back at me. I couldn't help but not believe him. Maybe Lexa's mistrust of him was beginning to rub off a little. I lowered my hands and crossed my arms. I wanted him to say it.

He smiled again, "I swore a fealty to you, Wanheda. To protect you and your people"

"Exactly" I replied nodding with an obvious look for him.

His smiled widened an inch, "You don't see Lexa's people as yours too?"

I shook my head at him, "We are all _her_ people"

"And yet she seems to act only on decisions that directly involve you.." He looked away in pretend thought, "Strange, isn't it?"

I could tell what he was getting at. What he was implying. I felt my arms tighten around my chest in a bid to keep myself quiet. If i answered in any way he would take it as evidence and use it against lexa. I couldn't give him that.

 _Just chill, Clarke,_ I told myself fighting the anger rising up inside me.

Roan tipped his head to my silence and breathed a light boyish laugh.

"Im sure she has her reasons" he relented raising his hands again. I unfolded my arms and stared back at him.

"Like the rest of us" I said coldly around my thoughts on Lexa's recent actions. I hated to admit it but Roan was right. She did seem to do everything to keep skaikru happy. Even though it upset the other clans. She had been so close to losing her power and even her life, and still she fought to make sure my people came first.

 _Not Skaikru_ , my heart bumped hopeful, _You._

I struggled to believe it the same time I hoped it was true.

Roan suddenly snapped his hand out. I was too caught in my thoughts I never saw it coming. My head snapped to the left and blood filled my mouth. I grunted with the pain in my jaw and spat the blood out. He looked a little apologetic when I faced him again. I just returned to my position. This was training. I would try not to take it personally. Though everything in his eyes said it may have been intentional.

"Why are you so eager to return to them?" I asked him as he circled me again.

He didn't say. Instead he threw his fist forward again.

I ducked his practice jab and was punched hard to the ground by his other fist. I held the pain in and rolled from his stamping foot with a deep breath for the adrenaline kicking in inside me. Roan let me up then. He offered me a hand and pulled me to my feet. Then he turned to face me again and threw his fist forward. I realised then as I leant backwards to avoid his punch that the real training had just begun.

"There is someone I wish to see" he told me as I righted myself and caught hold of his wrist on the rebound punch.

His frown deepened at me and he twisted his hand in my grip to punch down at my leg. My knee buckled but I refused to go down. My leg shook and I crouched a little to relieve the pain burning in my thigh. I limped back a step but Roan followed. He started to push his captured arm down against my hand to force me lower. My arm shook against his and I quickly brought my other fist up to catch his face. Pain crackled along my knuckles when they hit home against his jaw. I looked down at the tingly feeling spreading through them and realised I'd split the skin open on them in my hitting him. It made me breathe a little impressed. That had been some punch.

Roan stumbled to the right with me and hopped a little to regain his balance. His bloody smile for my defence made my heart pump proudly. Behind him Monroe was cheering. I saw Jes cuff her around the head and I gave a laugh for Monroe's scowl back.

"Good, Clarke!" Roan praised in an impressed voice, and then he came at me again.

He was quicker this time, trying to slip through my blocks with hard punches into my body. I tensed myself each time I saw his fist driving fast towards me. I couldn't fend off all of them so I let them hit me over and over again. My body grew more and more tense with every hit. It hummed in pain. And still I refused to go down. Instead I focused all my building hurt into hitting him back with it.

Roan looked pretty impressed with my stamina. Enough to back off eventually anyway. It made me wish Lexa was here to see it. I bet she'd look pretty damn impressed too.

Roan nodded at me to regain my breath and moved himself away to check on his horse. I crouched and turned away from him to breathe deeply in and out. My stomach was aching horribly. And my shoulder felt like fire again. I struggled to stay quiet as I sweated under the pain.

"It gets easier" he said nodding to the hand I held pressed to the ache in my side.

I shook my head at him. Pain never got easier. I knew that better than anyone.

"I'm not sure I want it to be easy" I panted bowing my head and closing my eyes to the pain rolling under my probing fingers. Nothing felt broken.

Roan chuckled at my reply. I bet he thought I was weak for wanting to avoid the painful road to being strong. It must humour him a lot.

He came over to me and took a seat on the ground beside me. He let out a long sigh and rested back against a tree. I studied the blood smudging his face as he looked vacantly up at the sky. My hands stung a little just looking at the new bruises on his skin. They stood out sharper than the old ones but only just. Lexa's abuse would mark his face for weeks to come yet.

"Who do you want to see?" I asked him. I realised I still hadn't gotten my answer yet.

He rolled his head to the side and looked back at me. Roan studied my face before he touched the bracelet on his wrist. His eyes warmed down at it and I saw the wide smile he gave it.

 _Somebody really important,_ I decided. Roan looked up at the two warriors still training by the stream behind me before he sent me a gentle look.

"Her name is Shena" he told me in the kindest voice I'd ever heard him speak with.

"She's your girlfriend?" I guessed. He shot me a confused look so I explained the label to him, "Lover"

Roan studied me a moment and nodded.

I blinked back at him. I never would have figured he had a girlfriend. But it did explain why he'd been so determined to return home. Being away from her must have been horrible.

"Whats she like?" I asked curious to know more. I wanted to know the kind of woman that would put up with Roan. He smiled at me and I could tell he was eager to talk about her.

"She has hair dark as the night and eyes as deep as the ocean. When she laughs its like summer has come early to Azgeda. She fights like a wolf..." he paused to smile at the bracelet again, "And she's wild like one too"

I was smiling at his description of her. He seemed completely in love with this woman. I wondered if their relationship had survived his banishment. If it would continue to survive his kingship. I hoped it did. Roan had fought hard to earn his happiness.

"What did your mother think of her?" I asked treading carefully on my mention of Nia. Roan tensed up a little and his smile turned into a glare. His fist clenched a little and I took that as a warning to inch away.

"She did not approve of Shena because she was not one of us," he told me in disgust for his mother's opinion, "She said her blood was filth"

"Wait" i said holding my hand up confused, "Shena isn't ice nation?"

Roan shook his head with a slight smile for the ground, "She came from the same village the commander was born to"

I felt my jaw drop and it made me wince because it hurt like a bitch. I quickly shut it and let myself stare my shock at him instead. He was dating a wood girl? And from Lexa's clan too?

 _Lexa would freak!_

"I bet Lexa doesn't know that" I breathed out with a smile as I shook my head. It shouldn't have surprised me so much. Roan seemed to love danger and displaying disobedience. Dating a girl forbidden to him must have really been a welcomed challenge for him.

Roan laughed and crawled across the ground to my side. He sat back on his heels and gently tipped my chin to the right to look at the bruising on it. His eyes dipped a little in regret.

"The commander doesn't know" he agreed quietly. I could tell he worried I would tell Lexa. So I moved on from any mention of her.

"How did you meet Shena?" I asked wincing when his thumb brushed the graze on my jaw. He leant closer to look at it with a hard frown.

"She came to us seeking a prisoner my mother held and became a prisoner herself. I was ordered to interrogate her"

I peered back at him. I didn't get why he'd tell me all this. Was it to build trust with me?

"What happened to the other prisoner?" I asked noticing how he'd avoided all mention of them. Roan looked away.

"She died"

I saw shame in his eyes for some reason. Like it had been his fault.

 _Maybe it was.._

I pulled his hand down, "You know I could tell Lexa" I started, letting my voice drop coldly so it showed I was indifferent to the commander knowing his secrets, "She would probably have Shena killed. For Costia"

Roan's smile faded a little then. His eyes swam guiltily, "She's told you about that?"

I nodded and felt my eyes lock on him angrily for his surprise, "Lexa trusts me"

"As do I" he told me setting his eyes firmly on mine, "I believe you will keep this information safe. You don't like mindless death, Clarke. I've come to expect that from you"

I glared back at him. He thought me weak because I didn't see the point of killing in revenge.

 _Just like everybody else,_ I thought angrily.

"Careful with your opinion of me" I told him slowly, "It nearly killed you once"

I rose to my feet then and strode to the stream. The two warriors fighting beside it stopped at my approach and walked straight over. I smiled at their concern for me and told them to carry on with their training. I was fine.

"How about you try taking Jes?" Monroe smirked holding her stick out to me, "Seeing as Kings and Commanders are no problem for you"

I laughed and shook my head. Jes strode past Monroe with another cuff for her head. She stepped with me to the stream and crouched as I did to drink from it. Her eyes burned worried over my face and when I looked down at the water I could see why. There was blood all over it. I cupped my hands into the cold stream and splashed my face. It felt incredibly soothing over my raw skin.

"He hits hard" jes mumbled touching a graze on my cheek. Her eyes swam proudly when I looked up at her, "But you hit harder"

She nodded back at Roan and I laughed quietly with her as we both took in the king wiping his face clean on a rag.

"It's nearly sun high" she told me, "Soon we will leave for the post"

I moaned internally. My body hurt too much to even consider running.

I nodded to jes and splashed my face again. I blinked the water out of my eyes and watched her reflection lean closer to mine. She tilted her head a little and tysked to herself at the blood on my shoulder. I felt her hand brush my vest to the side. She gasped and I watched her reflection stare at the claw marks on my back.

"We will get you to a healer the moment we see the post!" she told me and ripped a strip of her shirt off. I turned back to her.

"Its fine" I told her stopping her from touching the wounds. Jes stared back at me.

"Clarke, they are bleeding. Heavily. If I do not clean them they will become infected"

"Jes" I sighed and took her hand down from my back. I held her wrist and brushed my thumb over it with a gentle smile to say I didn't want any help, "Its fine"

She relented with a deep breath and stood. Her eyes were pinned to my back as I stiffly rose after her. I shrugged my vest straight and turned to return to Roan. She stopped me leaving and made me promise to have them seen to when we regrouped with the others. I nodded and she looked relieved for it.

"I will get Niylah to stitch them for you" she promised me with a smile, "She is the best healer this side of TonDc"

I froze and stared at her, "We're going to the trading post?"

Jes nodded, "Where did you think the commander meant?" she asked confused for my question. I swallowed my panic and nodded.

"Just a post somewhere" I breezed. I felt completely stupid for not clueing it up before, "I didn't think you guys only had one post"

"We have many, Clarke. But the trading post is the only one close enough to Eden's Pass to hold an army for the night. And, luckily for you, the only one that holds a good healer"

I nodded at her. I'd roamed the post often enough. It made sense for Lexa to stop there for supplies and rest. I turned from the warrior and walked back to Roan. Now I was even more reluctant to run to the post. Niylah would no doubt have questions for me. And Lexa would no doubt be within earshot to hear them too. I breathed annoyed with myself. Looked like my life was about to get even more fucked up.

"Ready, Clarke?" Roan asked when I approached. He'd taken his jacket off and now the sight of his muscles bulging against his shirt sleeves scared me a little.

I swallowed but nodded anyway.

I still had questions to ask him. And he still had lessons to teach me.


	16. Chapter 16

**Note: Its super long because A) I got carried away and B) I'm off surfing all next week so you might not get another update for a while. I would say sorry buuuuut I'm not :P**

 **Also note! Stedegasleng is the language of Polis. Lexa's gonna mention it.**

 ** _Shout outs:_**

 ** _Jedi Caro: Don't worry, Clarke can hold her own against Roan easy. Sexy Clarke wasn't intended for the table, but she sure as hell is set to dance on top of it. Thanks for the review! :)_**

 ** _Guest of randomness: Jealous Clarke is getting all the lovin'! Tables were made to be turned (and danced on apparently) but Lexa is a tough cookie. Who knows how she might react?_**

 ** _SkaiPrisa23: Of course Niylah's making a comeback! I didn't like how the show just cast her aside. Missed opportunity much? Also, the bracelet thing NEVER got explained! Like wtf? So yeah, plenty of Niylah to come. I wonder how Clexa will deal... :P_**

 ** _Belle Morte Rising: Cheers buddy! :)_**

 ** _Sailor Sayuri: I can understand why you're confused. But remember, Lexa did just have to spend a long time talking to roan. Maybe he said something that pissed her off? Maybe she's been thinking about her thing with Clarke? Maybe we'll find out later... Clarke's shoulder won't be revealed to Lexa in Niylah's presence. But Lexa is about to get an idea of how awesome Clarke's hunting skills are. That much I can tease :P_**

 ** _odarn: Of course you get a reply! I love all my people ^^ Hanging chapters is my job! Glad you like the story, thanks for following :)_**

 ** _pgsca: Teasing is a hobby of mine. Its aaaaall in the build up :P_**

 ** _White Fox Cub Lover: You know it!_**

 ** _Shepardfan: Ahh, I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long! Naw you! I'm honoured to be on your best list ^^_**

 ** _Guest 2 of randomness: I get super smiley whenever someone's said they've binged one of my stories. To me that's insane! Updates so far have been every Thursday. So you've been getting a new chapter and a new episode. Spoilt much?! :P Cheers muchly for reviewing! :)_**

 ** _CloneClubLover: You're back for more! I only hope this is as good as your excitement expects._**

 ** _SkyeMarie90: THANK YOU! SOMEONE AGREES WITH ME! I had no idea you were English too but *double high five* If FTWD does what it did last season with her I will be so incredibly pissed! She better have done a Carol and be badass! Back to Lexa's death, I think she deserved better. Like dying in battle or something. Anything that didn't involve a bullet. That was far too easy. Also can we just sidle back to the fact that Murphy did fuck all to help Clarke when Titus was shooting at her? He could have knocked him out. Then bam! No dead Lexa. I only hope Clarke kills Titus now #Jusdreinjusdraun._**

 **Streaming: Renegades by X Ambassadors.**

* * *

 ** _Nothing to worry about..._**

* * *

 **Lexa.**

 _She looks so peaceful. So relaxed. So calm inside the world that wants to tear her apart. It almost seemed unfair to wake her._

 _I wish my night had been so peaceful. I hadn't slept. I couldn't. Not with Clarke wrapped over me this way. Every hour passed with a few more inches of her draping itself across me. First her arm. Then her head. Then her foot decided to join in. My entire left side was covered in her and it wasn't fair._

 _I'd spent hours listening to her breathe and feeling it warm the cold skin on my neck. Hours looking down at her, memorising her face. Enjoying the view and locking it deep within myself so I would never forget the exact way she looked in this moment. I never wanted to forget clarke like this. Truly she was her most beautifulest when she slept. It soothed me the same time it tormented me. Because all I wanted to do was touch her. To move my fingers down her cheek and feel her soft skin beneath them. To brush her hair away from her eyes and tuck it back from her face. To bend my head just an inch lower so I could rest my lips against her head. To lift her chin just a fraction and press them against hers as she slept._

 _Kissing her was the one thing I wanted to do._

 _And the one thing I was forbidden from doing..._

* * *

"Heda"

I looked up out of my hard stare at my hands. Riding hours had given me time to envelope myself in my thoughts and unsurprisingly they had deemed themselves fit to return to clarke and her waking this morning. I had struggled constantly to keep myself inside being the commander since. Even my people had begun to notice. It was hard acting the cold leader when I had clarke pressing on my mind. She always managed to make me something kinder. Something human.

I tore myself away from the memory of her shy smile waking beside me this morning and looked back to cain riding at my side. He gave me a gentle smile for my thoughtfulness and pointing towards the trail with his spear. I looked as he directed and sat myself straighter on my horse when I saw the boundaries to the village we sought. I locked my memory of the morning out of my mind for the while. Right now I had to concentrate.

We rode in continued silence past the village gates. The warriors standing guard greeted us happily inside and sent word ahead to notify their leader of my arrival. I thanked them as we rode past and directed my horse on towards the inner village.

My eyes were greeted with happy faces and laughing children playing in the woods. They called out to us as we walked past. It warmed my heart to see my people at peace despite everything. But it made me think to all the pain I had left behind in TonDc.

I wondered if Indra's people had yet recovered from the attack. If the ashes from the pyres had been cleaned up. If the blood had been washed from the ground. This alliance with Roan ensured peace but it didn't give those people the justice they deserved for their loss. It made me shamed as a commander. I felt as if I were failing them.

I turned away from my guilt and looked back at Cain following me closely with his spear raised out a little incase of attack.

"That's not necessary" I told him gently as his eyes moved around us continually in a lookout for danger. Cain refused to lower his spear though.

" _These people turned on you once, Heda"_ he growled low as he peered at Kiki's patrol prowling nearby, _"I will not see it happen a second time"_

"Your concern is appreciated, Cain. But, please, lower the spear" I let my voice fill with authority then and he lowered the weapon immediately. Cain bowed his head and apologised.

I gave him a slight smile to show it had caused no harm and set my eyes back to the road ahead. The way was still dense with trees. It would take us a while yet to reach the actual village itself. Kiki liked to keep her ground well defenced. Looking around at the many guards patrolling the trees surrounding our trail I could see she'd tripled that security since her return from Polis.

 _"Heda, may I ask something?"_

I looked back at Cain and registered an unusual confusion settled in his eyes. I nodded at him.

 _"Why did you leave wanheda with the ice king? He could easily kill her and take her power"_

I turned my eyes back to the road and hid the uneasy feeling in me for his question.

"Alliances are made through trust" I shared calmly despite the fear rising in me for Clarke's current safety, "King Roan believed I would use wanheda against him. Entrusting him with her training proves that it is not my plan"

 _"And you believe she can gain something from training from him?_ " Cain asked staring at me carefully. I felt myself smile at his suspicion for my ulterior motive.

"You are as quick as your predecessor, Cain" I said bowing my head in confirmation. In the corner of my eye I caught Cain shake his back at me. I glimpsed sideways at his serious expression for me.

 _"Not quick enough. Ada would have talked you out of it"_

"So would Titus" I sighed looking back at the trees slowly thinning ahead of us, "Luckily neither of them are here to try"

Cain was quiet. I could just hear his disapproval. I waited a moment before I looked back to receive him.

"What if Roan kills the girl?" He questioned seriously.

My heart shuddered in my chest at the idea. It pined at images and scenarios of how it would happen. But my mind knew I had to consider the outcome. I had not left Clarke to roan without knowing he might kill her. This was truly a test of my faith in the gods leaving her with him. I only prayed they showed me as much respect by granting me her safety with the king.

"Do you lack faith in my warriors?" I asked ignoring my own feelings and returning my attention to cain, "In your own second?"

He shook his head and looked away, " _Jes is no longer my second._ She has her own to deal with now. Alone that is a sign she is a capable warrior"

I held back on my scoff and nodded him on to explain himself then. He hesitated before he stopped Meesha and turned in his saddle to face me. I stopped my stallion too. I was interested to know his concerns for clarke.

He started gently, "I know Jes will protect Clarke to her last breath. She cares very much for her"

 _Too much,_ I thought angrily.

"Then why worry?" I asked him impatiently.

Cain lifted his head and met my eyes with his serious brown ones.

"I am worried your intentions for this alliance are hidden under a desire to have revenge on the King.. I worry you are using and endangering Wanheda to gain valuable information on the king in order to gain that revenge"

I stared back at his honesty. I almost couldn't believe he would speak to me of that. My blood boiled at his dare to accuse me of using clarke like that.

 _But you are,_ my heart reminded me softly.

My anger cast it aside. I was not using clarke for that. I was not using her at all.

"That revenge has been settled with the queen's blood" I seethed at him, warning him to silence himself. He nodded back at me.

" _Yes._ But only in the tradition of our people. I can see you still hunger for redemption against costia's death. I see it every time you look at Roan. You wish to hurt him as you been hurt before, heda"

I yanked my horse about then and faced Cain with an almost murderous glare. He swallowed in fear but lifted his chin to me, adding in his defiance. I told myself to calm as my hand twitched a little towards my knife. I would not kill him. Not for being concerned for clarke. And not for his worry for our peace. But I also would not be spoken to like that.

"Do not mention that name to me again" I ordered darkly, voice rising louder so that it echoed around us in my rage as I glared at him, "I am your commander. It is not your job to question my decisions. Your job is to be silent and do as I command" Cain's eyes flickered over my face at my scolding and I growled hotly at him, "Do you understand this, Cain?"

He waited a moment before he nodded, _"Yes, commander"_

I stared him down a moment longer and then kicked my horse on.

I was furious with him. For mentioning costia and for accusing me of dishonour inside this alliance. He seemed to think he knew his commander's intentions. He seemed to think he knew me. Like everybody else. But he didn't. Nobody did.

 _Clarke does_ , my mind reminded. My heart was nodding in agreement.

I looked down at the hand that not so long ago had been covered in her warmth. I remembered the feel of her tucked up against me last night. I drew up the understanding smile she'd given me listening to me speak of life before all this. I smiled in agreement with my thoughts.

 _Clarke is the only one._

I let out a slow breath and closed my eyes to draw up this morning's memory again. I let it soothe me enough to trick me into being calm as I returned my horse to its original walk into the centre of the village.

Cain followed me silently. He knew he had crossed the line with his concerns. Now he feared the consequences should he speak to me. I was grateful for that as I walked my horse past the first few huts and trees towards the clan leader's home. I did not want to speak with Kiki with my mind so full of my anger.

" _Heda!_ " The children cried running from the woods and announcing us to their parents excitedly, _"Its Heda!"_

It made me smile through my mood. To them I was a night story meant to calm their dreams. To see me in real life made them jump about giggling in happiness. I envied their naivety as I watched them run up to my horse with their smiles.

Cain and I rode carefully through the crowd merging around us. The warrior remained silent through their shouted questions for us. They wanted to know why I was here. If it was true I had slain the Ice queen. If I was here to punish Kiki. If wanheda was with me.

I kept myself silent with every question shouted to me. I would leave the answers to their leader after our talk. Starting rumours myself was not productive to my commandership.

"Leska!"

My head snapped up from examining the villagers around me and I struggled to hide my grin for the woodland leader as she rushed through the crowd to me. Her hazel eyes were wide and alight with an eager happiness for seeing me. She looked well and that relieved me more than anything else. I'd had my secret worries about Kiki when she'd recalled her ambassador. To see her in good health made my heart light again.

I stopped my horse and waited for her to climb her way through her people. The stallion huffed at me annoyed as the children dared to run up to touch him. I paid him no mind. Secretly he was enjoying the attention. I patted his side to keep him calm and gave the children's parents a look to control their offspring. I ignored their scolding shouts and kept my eyes on Kiki's approach.

" _Commander.._ " Cain was worried about the growing number around us. I could practically hear his hand tighten around his spear.

I shook my head at him. The villagers were no threat to us.

Kiki's laughing voice rose high above the excited chatter of her people and I had about enough time to hop down from my horse to receive her before she stretched up and enveloped me in her arms. The pressure she pushed on my ribs caused my eyes to flash with dark spots. It had me tensing with the pain. Over her shoulder I saw Cain tensing in his saddle.

I quietly chuckled despite not being able to breathe and gently reminded Kiki that she was hugging her commander. It wasn't appropriate at all. Especially not in front of so many people. I worried for their eyes watching us.

Kiki scoffed back and released me,

" _I hug my sister!_ " she threw back with a warm grin, " _Come!"_

She placed her hand on my back and turned to guide me through the crowd towards her hut. I looked back over my shoulder quickly and met cain's eyes as he dismounted to handle my horse. He understood what I wanted and nodded to me. He barked at one of kiki's warriors to look after our horses and thrust the reins at the man's chest.

Cain's hands rested over his spear and his sword hilt as he strode after us with a mean glare for anybody who tried to approach me. I knew he would kill in an instant anybody who got too close. The people around us kept their distance under his stoney expression.

" _You always carry such moody men with you?"_ Kiki asked me, eyeing Cain's tall build thoughtfully. Her smile only widened when I shot her an annoyed look for her comment.

I looked around as I followed her through the village. It seemed to have expanded since my last visit a year ago. There were more tents and huts set up. And a paddock that hadn't been there before holding a selection of horses inside. There were even homes built into the trees. My head tilted skywards as my eyes followed Kiki's people climbing along the laddered walkways above me. I admired the craftsmanship of it all.

"You have been busy" I commented nodding up at it when she peered back at me. I heard her laugh.

"The war has orphaned many. And the mountain released many more. I have had to expand upwards to home them all"

I gave her a smile. I was always surprised and warmed by her kind nature. I only wished I had more leaders like her.

She waved her guards away as we neared the massive oak tree that homed her hut in its roots. My eyes drifted over the cracked bark of it with a smile at the old memories it flashed me.

"A good hostess offers her guest a drink" she said calling me attention back to her, "But when that guest is-"

" _Your commander"_ I warned narrowing my eyes at the mischief firing up inside hers. She nodded.

"When that guest is my commander I feel only the best is acceptable" she waved her hand over towards the paddock, "The trough is that way. _Help yourself"_

I locked eyes with her. Cain even took a step forward to punish her himself. Kiki eyed him then winked at me. I started laughing. I had missed her cheek.

" _You will get yourself killed with that tongue of yours_ " I told her and tilted my head towards cain in silent command for him to stand down. He did so reluctantly.

 _"It gets me many things, Leska"_ She smirked then, _"But killed is not one of them. Not in the final sense anyway"_

I sighed at her mind. Why must everything with her always hint towards sex?

She chuckled softly, "Lets leave the warriors to the trough" she said smirking devilishly at cain. For his part he stayed calm enough for her flirting. I gave her a look to control herself. She bowed her head, " _Come, I feel I may be needing something stronger than water for this private meeting you have called"_

I nodded at Kiki. She knew I wanted to return to my reason for being here. She nodded back and turned to approach her hut. After a quick word with her guards she climbed down the steps into the roots with a welcoming smile for me to follow when she turned around.

"Cain" I called.

He stepped closer to take my command. I peered at the warriors around us and spoke to him in Stegedasleng, knowing he would understand where they would not,

 _"Stay close"_ He bowed his head and posted himself beside the guards outside the hut. They gave him short scowls that died the second they glanced back to me.

I turned then and climbed down into kiki's hut, ducking my head low to avoid hitting it on the beam supporting the door. My eyes adjusted to the darkness of the hut and I peered about the fire lit room with a smile at how homey it felt. It made me envy her a little. As a commander I was required to hold no home. Just as I was cursed to have no family.

 _To be commander is to be alone,_ Titus' lesson echoed hard inside my thoughts as I cut myself off from my feelings. I clung on to his words to strengthen my mind against the rising arguing of my heart.

"Now then," Kiki offered me a seat by the fire and stood herself opposite me, "What's this important business?"

I drew a deep breath as I sat and came out with it, "Azgeda"

Kiki rolled her eyes at me, "What have they done now?" she sighed and walked to the table in the corner. I smiled at her pouring us both a drink.

"Nothing. Yet.." I paused to watch her set the first silver goblet down before I calmly told her, "I seek your permission to allow their army to pass through here"

Her back tensed as I had expected. She turned to me again. Her expression had turned cold and her hazel eyes were narrowed at me, "Why here?" she questioned directly, "Why not have them take the pass?"

Her mistrust for my request was heavily set in her look back at me. And I understood fully why she felt it. Roan's army would return home faster using the pass. We knew this. Having it divert through the village would hinder them by a couple days. And possibly endanger Kiki's people. But it was essential if they were to make it back entirely with my trust.

She strode back to her seat and gave me the goblet. I looked down at the dark drink and set it down on the floor beside my boot. Her eyes flashed insult but I ignored it in favour of setting myself entirely inside the commander's mind. I would not let my personal affection for Kiki dictate this meeting. Not when it held so much at stake.

So I locked gazes with her, "My asking your permission is only a formality, Kiki. We both know you will allow it"

"You didn't answer my question" she shot back ignoring my commander's tone completely.

I studied her sat all tensed up in her seat like an animal caged. I thought back to Clarke and how she'd worked with me once she'd understood the intention behind my actions. I realised then maybe Kiki was the same.

"The pass isn't easy to watch" I told her in a deep breath, "If they pass this way you can assure me they have returned to their home. All of them"

She tipped her head back in elation then and nodded, _"You worry their new king will have a party disbanded?"_

I nodded and with serious eyes told her my plan, "My warriors will count every one of roans in that army. They will escort them here to you. They will be counted again before they leave your land"

"And if the number is not right?" She asked leaning forward with gleaming eyes. I matched them with mine darkly.

"Then your army will lay waste to them"

I had thought hard about it. Roan was only a threat so long as he had the warriors. With his army a couple days behind us sending them to Kiki was the right choice. Even Titus had agreed with me on that. Kiki would ensure they all made it to Azgeda or, should there be treachery, she would destroy roan's power for me. It was the only way to make sure my people remained safe. If roan was trying to start a war with us at least we would have taken his army down first.

Kiki was nodding with my plan. Her smile had returned. She looked completely agreeable. She even looked hopeful.

"I like this plan, Leska" she told me grinning. I smiled my relief and nodded at her.

"Rhoda will be sending warriors too to assist. Two armies are better than just one"

She looked to the fire a moment thinking. I knew she held no love for Rhoda or his people but she would work with him if I ordered it. Her eyes moved over the flames a moment,

"It is a good plan. But..." Her eyes slid back to me briefly, "I will not agree"

I stared at her and she turned her head away again.

"Kiki, we need-"

"I will not agree unless I have something from you first" Her eyes slid away from the flames and back to me. I felt my temper spike at being called for demands. I wasn't so used to my terms being met with conditions.

 _Hear her out first,_ I told myself despite a rise in anger flooding my system.

"What do you want?" I asked narrowing my eyes at her smile as I leant forward to hear her.

Kiki's eyes flashed surprise at my willingness to listen but the rest of her remained calm and impassive. She lifted her hand and raised her thumb.

"One, you stop being such a dramatic commander" She grinned cheekily at me rolling my eyes and I nodded with a soft laugh. I'd almost taken her seriously then.

"You are far too young to make such hefty demands from your leader" I joked with her.

Kiki gave me a short scowl in return. She never liked being reminded she was summers younger than me. It was something I always used to tease her with whenever she got playful with me.

Kiki lifted another finger to make another demand,

"And two, Wanheda"

My smile fell instantly and I looked back at her serious eyes.

Why did she want Clarke? Was it to undermine me? I studied her patient expression and felt my love for her fall a great deal. If giving her clarke was the only way to make sure roan's army returned to Azgeda checked then I would rather they use the pass. Clarke was not a bargaining chip.

"No"

Kiki smiled, "No?" she repeated.

 _"Wanheda is not part of any bargain"_ I told her sternly.

Kiki laughed.

" _You're being dramatic again"_ she teased and my glare grew in in intensity. She held her hands up in surrender, "I do not want her power" she reassured gently, "I simply invite her presence to the moon solstice. You may join her. _If your mood has improved by then_ "

I didn't smile like she's intended me to. Instead I tipped my head at her and eyed her grin.

 _She does want Clarke,_ I thought watching her watch me in patient silence, _But for what?_

 _She just wants to invite her to the celebrations,_ my heart tried eager to protect Kiki against my growing anger.

My mind was racing with other ideas on how my friend was trying to betray me. My skin itched with the paranoia it set inside me. Her people moved against me not two days ago. Had she been the one behind it after all?

"You're overthinking an invitation" she told me as she watched my silence. It angered me more.

"When it involves Wanheda I am reasoned to overthink" I threw back curtly. Kiki simply bowed her head in agreement.

I ran through my options in the tense silence that followed and reluctantly agreed to ask Clarke. It was the only way I could think to maintain peace between us. I did not want to call Kiki a traitor without evidence first. I believed her heart to be more loyal than that anyway.

"This is not a yes" I told her when she beamed happily at me for my agreement, "Merely a passing on of an invitation"

Kiki shrugged, "That's all I wanted" she grinned and sank back in her seat.

Her eyes watched the fire beside us a moment before they flickered back to my constant stare for her. She laughed to herself and leant over to pat my knee.

"Calm your worries, leska. You look a most ugly thing when you frown like that"

I smacked her hand away and stood to leave. I had made a deal and gotten her permission to lead the army this way. I had no more reason to stay here.

 _Clarke's waiting,_ I reminded myself, heart soaring at the thought of meeting with her early. If I rode out now I could even meet her on the way to the post and escort her myself. I thought warmly of it. Alone time with clarke was something I cherished deeply.

Kiki leapt up after my quickening steps away and gently took my sleeve.

"Leska, don't rush off. Come and sit with me. I've yet to hear firsthand of this queen slaying"

I let out a sigh of irritation and struggled to decide to stay or not. Kiki caught my eye while I considered it. She sent me a proud smile that made me turn back to my seat by the fire.

I sat back in the chair and let out a soft sigh at feeling myself relax. I smiled a little at her sitting down opposite me and leaning forward with eager eyes as she leant her chin in her hands. I rolled my eyes at how much of a child she looked. Sometimes it was difficult remembering how young Kiki was when I knew how vicious a warrior she could be too.

"She challenged my strength as a leader" I told her briskly in explanation to her prompting eyes, "Her son Roan was chosen to fight me"

"But the queen died?" She looked confused. I took up my abandoned goblet and tasted the wine inside.

"Yes" I sighed smirking a little, "Nia is dead. Long live the queen" I added sarcastically raising my goblet in toast. Kiki grinned back at me.

"How was her death handled?" she asked eager for details. I didn't feel much like going into it. Where once I would have gloated about my kill, now I would rather move on from it. I found the change in myself strange.

"I threw a very sharp spear into her chest" I shrugged and turned my gaze to stare at the flames. In my mind I was replaying that day over. I'd felt completely powerful in that moment. Knocking down my greatest enemy had fulfilled the commander desire in me to prove myself. And yet I still felt hollow for the revenge it had given me. As if it hadn't been enough to fulfil it.

"She would be proud" Kiki told me gently through my silent thoughts.

I glanced back at her and read the sadness in her eyes. She was thinking of Costia too. I looked away with the pain in my chest and breathed slowly to calm my heart. Thinking of her still made me ache inside.

"Have you heard any news from her sister?" Kiki asked me slowly. I shook my head and safely tucked my pain aside.

"The last I heard she had run away. I assumed to the dead zone to free herself of costia's memory" I answered bowing my head to the pain it caused me remembering it all. I had been there the day costia's sister had learned of her death. I'd accepted her screaming pain and her hollow threats to see me dead for having her kin killed. She had blamed me entirely. And in my grief I had let her.

 _Grief makes us do terrible things_ , Anya's words relieved me from the old hurt I felt over it. She was right. It had made me wage 3 wars and it had caused Clarke to try to kill me. It made us all monsters.

"Leska-" Kiki broke off suddenly when sunlight poured into the hut from outside.

"Heda" Cain's head appeared in the doorway.

I quickly stood up at the seriousness in his eyes. I knew only something important would make him interrupt us. I nodded him in and waited for him to stand opposite me with his message. His eyes slipped down to Kiki a moment before he relayed it.

 _"A rider has come from the march. They have made it to the post"_

I nodded, "And Clarke?"

Cain shook his head with cautious eyes to my reaction. He gave me a gentle look when I nodded disappointed to him and told me, " _She will be safe, Heda. Jes is strong and Wanheda is stubborn. Together Roan would not stand a chance against them"_

I swallowed my fear down and told him to send a rider at once. I wanted to know she was safe. I needed to know it.

He sent me a slight smile as he bowed. I let him go and let out a shaking breath for the waves of emotion running through me. I felt scared. And I didn't like it.

"You seem concerned" Kiki commented behind me.

I turned and fixed her with a blank expression as she peered back at me over the rim of her goblet.

"Wanheda travels with the King of Azgeda" I informed her coldly, "Of course I car-" I stuttered suddenly and corrected myself quickly, "Am concerned"

Kiki smirked over to me, "Careful. You almost said care then"

"I did not!" I growled back at her quickly defending myself, "I cannot have her fall to Roan. He is trouble enough without the power of death under his thumb too"

"And yet you left her alone with him" she quipped smirking wider, "I cant help but wonder why that is when clearly you car-" She replicated my earlier stutter, "Are concerned for her"

I breathed sharply at her mocking and remained silent. That made Kiki even more intrigued,

"What's your angle, Leska?" She asked narrowing her eyes in suspicion.

I felt my jaw clench in anger to her interrogation. She was pushing herself severely close to the line with me. Especially when she knew me enough to know I did not enjoy being questioned. Especially when I was her heda.

"She has a way with people" I conceded keeping my eyes off the clan leader's smile, "She can get them to talk"

"Did she get you to talk?" Kiki asked smirking deeply at me. I lifted my chin and stared dead at her. I would not dignify her question with an answer.

Kiki laughed then and it had me clenching my fists despite telling myself to show no emotion. I would not look weak. I felt the commander's cold run through my skin as it took lead of the conversation for me,

"You will remember who you speak to, Kiki" I warned her darkly.

"I speak with the same in love fool I spoke to when Costia breathed" she threw back tilting her head at me in amusement to my threatening eyes, "You cherish wanheda, don't you?"

I gave her a cold look in return for her question,

"Clarke is merely an ambassador" I replied impassive, "I hold no care for her outside her influence over skaikru. There are no personal bonds between us" I told her over my heart breathing harshly against my ribs for the lie. In truth I held too many bonds with clarke.

Kiki laughed disbelieving back at me. Clearly she saw through my lie.

"Then you won't mind my having a try with her" she grinned with eyes darkening a little lustfully in thought, "She is a creature of outstanding beauty after all"

It took all my willpower as commander and as leska to stop myself striking Kiki down then. I wanted to. The very idea of her being with clarke had me seeing red. But kiki was my friend and the tenth clan leader. I could not so easily offend her loyal friendship in this coalition.

"Your assumptions are not welcomed" I told her steely so she would drop it, "And if you persist in this nonsense-"

"Say her name without smiling" she dared cutting through my threat before I could finish it.

I rolled my eyes heavenward at her total lack of taking me seriously.

This would be a very long afternoon.

* * *

The post was busy when we returned to our people. Tents were propped up throughout the woods and my people were busy laughing merrily over goblets of wine.

I walked through their happy celebrations and towards the post itself. Cain followed closely with his spear ready to knock down any warrior that got in my way. I had ridden fast to get here. I had stayed in kiki's village longer than expected and now it was well past nightfall. Clarke would be worrying for me. As I worried for her.

I strode into the trading post and looked around at the group of warriors drinking quietly as they listened to a speaker regale them with a story. My eyes scanned the busy room for clarke but I couldn't see her. I was so sure she would be here. Her curiosity for our ways should have lead her here.

 _Maybe they have not returned yet..._

 _Maybe something happened.._

I swallowed my fear but I could not stop it taking hold of my heart. It did not like the thought of Clarke in danger. It squeezed painfully inside me imagining it.

"Heda"

I turned to the warrior behind me and recognised him instantly with a nod, "Klyn" I greeted clasping his arm distractedly as I continued to look around.

"Owin sent me to give a report on the day" He bowed letting me go.

I nodded though it confused me. I had left Owin in charge whilst we were seeing kiki. I had left orders for him to meet me inside the post at nightfall. Why would he send his second?

Klyn smiled at me, "Jakob told his daughter to let free his stock of wine to the commander's army on our arrival" He explained and turned himself to the others, "And Owin is not as heavy as he believes"

He pointed to the corner where a warrior was sat slumped at a table. I heard cain's short laugh for the drunken leader. He would have done a much better job had I left him in charge instead. His laugh for Owin's failure said as much.

I shook my head to Owin's carelessness and gave klyn orders to have his warrior sobered up. He nodded and then gave me his report. I listened intently to his voice over the warriors chattering loudly behind him. I was happy with what he told me. The march had gone uneventful. Both my warriors and Roans had walked in peace. I felt relief at his words. I had worried for abandoning them together.

"Thank you Klyn. Please, enjoy yourself tonight"

He bowed and left us to walk to his warrior. I lowly told cain he would be honoured with handling Owin's punishment before I returned to my search of the post for Clarke. I was still half certain she was here somewhere.

 _Perhaps she is looking at something in the back?_ , my heart suggested trying to stay optimistic. I cast it down. I was a commander. Optimism was not helpful. It only hindered me with hope.

"Heda"

I looked back at cain and he nodded to the corner of the room. I peered through the candlelight and recognised jes speaking at a table with another warrior. I strode forward in anger. She should still be with clarke. Her presence and clarke's absence would be accounted for.

"Jes!" I growled stopping at her table. She peered back at me over her shoulder and immediately stumbled to her feet.

" _Heda_!" she breathed kneeling, " _It is good to see-"_

" _Where is wanheda?_ " I demanded giving her an impatient look when she glanced up at me. She frowned at my behaviour and looked to cain before she told me.

" _She's is resting, heda"_

I nodded. It shouldn't have surprised me clarke would be sleeping. Of course she would be. Her day had been exhausting. I withdrew from my anger for jes and asked for a report on the training. She smiled back at me as she told me of clarke's day.

" _She is worthy of your guidance, Heda. Her heart is strong and fierce enough to make even kings bleed"_

I raised my brow at her. Clarke had drawn blood from roan? Jes grinned back at me,

"He wears her anger now just as proudly as he wears yours"

I felt a smile twitching in the corner of my mouth. To know clarke had taken on roan scared me. And impressed me. I was humming proudly inside for it. I knew she could handle it. But at the same time I worried what he had said to her to cause her to hit him back. From my own experience with clarke it took a lot to anger her enough to strike. Had he tormented her with jibes of the mountain?

 _He will see how unmerciful I can be if he has_ , I promised myself angrily. To torment clarke was to torment me.

 _"Knocking the king down is not a hard thing to do_ " the warrior beside jes mumbled suddenly, giving her own opinion. We all looked down at her but she seemed not to care for her interruption.

I stared down at her, eyes taking in the scarring along her jaw while I considered her disrespect to her own leader.

 _Why is Jes conversing with the ice nation?,_ I wondered dragging my stare away to my warrior. I would question her about it later.

"Where is she now?" I asked jes motioning her to her feet. I was eager to see clarke. Even though she was resting. I knew I would not rest myself until I saw her safe with my own eyes.

Jes stood and told me. I turned to the door. Cain caught my eye as I did and he nodded back to jes when she walked after me.

 _"Heda, I was hoping to gain your permission"_

"For what?" I snapped. Suddenly all my anger for her was returning with her holding up my visiting clarke. Jes shifted nervously on the spot hearing my anger.

 _"I would like to take Wanheda on a hunt"_ She saw my stance tense threateningly and quickly explained herself, _"I hear stories of her skill as a huntress and thought maybe she would like to incorporate hunting in with her training. She already-"_

I cut over her quickly. I already had my answer ready for her, " _I am her teacher, Jes. If wanheda is to learn how to hunt then I will be the one giving the lessons"_

"But-" She went silent when she glanced back at cain and I was grateful for the warrior silencing his old second for me. She was incredibly close to being punished for ignoring me.

I decided looking at her that she needed to be made clear on a few things. Obviously her affiliation with clarke was something she held close to her heart. And she shouldn't.

"You are not her friend, Jes" I told her stepping towards her slowly so it scared her into listening to me. I hoped she did. I would not be repeating myself, "You are not her warrior. _Or her heda._ You are nothing to clarke. Just a sword to swing when her life is threatened. Remember that"

I turned with my cold words and cast the vision of her upset eyes out of my mind as I strode out of the post and headed for Clarke's tent. I had enjoyed the warriors sadness. It made me feel good casting her down like that. But I was confused too for the return of this dark emotion inside me as I left jes. It easily controlled me and much more than the commander's spirit ever did. I feared that. I feared the hold clarke had on me.

 _"You could have been more gentle with her_ " Cain mumbled to me as we walked past warriors and villagers to the trees opposite the trading post where my tent had been raised.

I ignored him and made for the gathering of people sat around the bonfire on the skirts of the woods. I could see monroh there and intended to go speak with her. Jes had said her second had been speaking with clarke in her tent. I needed to know which one.

"Heda" Cain sighed tiredly for my continued refusal to speak.

I turned back to him annoyed for his hinderance. I didnt know what he expected me to say. I would not apologise for my treatment of jes. Knowing your place was the key to being a warrior. Especially if it was your commander telling you to learn it. She knew that. We all did.

"Jes didn't deserve to be treated like that" he told me with serious eyes running over my smooth expression, _"She is no threat to you, heda"_

 _He knows_ , my mind warned. I remained calm and ignored the panic beating my chest raw to cast him an unamused look.

"What are you implying, cain?" I asked daring him to speak of it. He did not. He knew he would feel pain the moment he uttered the words. Instead he looked to the ground and refused to meet my eyes.

 _"Jes is clarke's friend. She does not mean to look closer than that"_

"Doesn't she?" I answered stepping around him with a look for him not to follow.

Cain's eyes watched me tiredly and I heard him walk away as I strode off towards Monroh. She glanced up when I stopped at the fire beside her and stumbled wincing to her feet. I impatiently waved her stuttered greeting aside and rushed in my asking which tent was clarke's. Monroh turned and pointed it out to me.

"She's probably asleep though" she warned me with a slight smile, "Sucker couldn't handle the run"

I raised a brow at her and her smile fell immediately. She apologised for her disrespect and flinched when I raised a hand to silence her. I was not in the mood for warriors or their seconds tonight. I just wanted to see clarke.

I walked away from monroh and strode quickly towards the tent that held clarke asleep inside. The guards outside it stood down on my order. I waited for them to walk off to the post before I raised a hand to pull the tent flap up. I felt strangely nervous as I gripped it and put off letting myself inside. I knew she was going to be angry with me.

 _You can handle it,_ my heart urged pushing me a step forward. It wanted me to see her already.

But I stopped.

I couldn't handle it.

Not today.

Clarke needed to rest. We both did. I told myself as I left that I was only putting off seeing her to allow her to sleep. I knew really I was just scared of waking her and having her hate directed on me again for using her. Even though I had done it for the good of all our people. Clarke never trusted my intentions. Good or not. I would let her sleep off her hate for now.

"Monroh!" I called loudly and waited for her to hastily grab her sword and limp over. She watched me scared as I circled her and positioned her in front of the tent in my place, "You will stand here and guard this tent"

Her eyes screamed her cry for the unfairness of my order after her long day, "For how long, heda?" She inquired in a hopeless voice.

I considered telling her the whole night. She had to learn to stay awake for as long as required. True warriors never gave up. But I sympathised for her pain and reminded myself she was clarke's friend. For tonight at least I would be kind.

"Until Cain relieves you" I told her. She nodded grimly. Obviously she expected to be on guard until dawn at least. It would surprise her when cain took shift soon.

I walked away towards my own tent. The air was turning colder the further from clarke's tent I walked. Looking up at the clear sky I predicted a change in weather coming. This close to the pass it might even snow. I worried a moment that it would halt Roan's leaving but told myself to concern myself with that problem when it happened. For now I was tired and my body was beginning to ache hard under the day's riding the woods. It craved for me to just stop and rest.

Cain was waiting by my tent looking a little sheepish for his earlier actions. I told him to stand down as my guard for the night and charged him instead to guard wanheda. He bowed and walked away with a slight smirk I didn't understand. I held my sword hilt as I watched him go before I turned into the tent with a tired breath for the day's stress.

I gazed down at the furs and the fire set beside them. My mind pined for me to collapse down on them, knowing they would be warm and welcoming. I quickly unbuckled my sword and set it down on a crate that had been set up as a table for me. My jacket came after. I strained my arms back to stretch them and rolled my neck a little with a slight groan at the ache that trembled through me. These broken ribs were truly becoming a pain to me.

I heard a noise behind me as I pulled up the hem of my shirt to take it off to check them. It sounded like a shuffling of feet close by. Inside the tent. My mind flashed with images of an assassin creeping up on me and I quickly released my shirt to grab my sword. The sheath hit the wall of the tent as I span about and tensed myself ready. I heard gentle laughter for my surprise and instantly my guard came down. I knew that laugh. I'd know it anywhere.

"Clarke"

I relaxed my stance with a slight smile for her despite my anger at her startling me. She had nearly gotten herself killed just then. I gave her a look for her reason for being here. She should be asleep. I'd been told she was. How could her guards easily let her wander about like they did?

 _They didn't_ , my head laughed for my slowness. It threw me an image of them guarding her tent. A warrior wouldn't guard an empty tent.

 _She snuck out.._ My heart gave me a little round of applause for catching up. It enjoyed Clarke's cheek. I frowned back.

 _But how did she get into my-_

 _Cain,_ I realised.

"You said to come find you at nightfall" Clarke explained to my silence, taking a step out of the dark corner into the light, "So I found you"

The light from the fire danced over her face as she neared me and instantly I dropped my sword down to walk to her. I stopped in front of her and cupped her face in my hands. She gasped at my touch and I immediately loosened my grip on her. I peered through the dim light as I stared at the bruises covering her jaw and temple. They were dark and looked brutal. My eyes travelled down. Her lip was cracked and dried blood clung to the cut tucked into the corner of her mouth. More blood was clinging to her neck and the ends of her golden hair. It also stained through the dirt on her shoulder and vest. Obviously she had been hit enough to spit the blood on herself.

My eyes ran all over her face, taking in every single pain and noting it down so I could replicate it on Roan later. He had been told to go easy on her. This was not evidence of easy.

Clarke was looking up at me, exhausted eyes latched concerned on me for some reason. As if I were the one who had been hurt. Her hand rose and she gently stroked my face temple to jaw. It surprised me how it calmed my secret anger. I looked back at her eyes. They held mine heavily a moment before she took her hand back and pulled mine off her.

I stole a deep breath when stepped away from me. A new pain was running through me. I felt incredibly shamed with myself. I should have never left her with roan.

I looked down when having her gaze on me burdened my heart more and I saw her book in her hand. She tapped it against my thigh and I watched her warily as a smile inched across her torn lips. I clenched my jaw and balled a hand up at my side. I pulled all my walls up to keep myself grounded in the tent. I wanted nothing more than to go punish Roan for beating her this way.

Clarke managed to make my guard slip entirely when she nodded towards the furs for us to sit.

"You want my report, don't you?" She asked thickly. I never missed the husk in her voice at her invite to the furs and it had me swallowing my smile as I followed her.

Oh, I wanted much more than just her report.

 _Patience_ , my heart beat excited through my thoughts. I reminded myself to think as commander. I would collect Clarke's information first. That was priority.

"Does it hurt much?" I asked her as she lowered herself slowly to the ground. She'd tried to hide it but I could see her back tense and ripple with pain at the strain of simply bending her body a little. It had me concerned for her. Deeply.

 _"Only in body_ " she breathed to me turning to face me with steel in her eyes, " _Pain is temporary"_

I felt my eyes flash down at her proudly. She'd learned our training motto.

I walked to the edge of the furs to her side and knelt directly in front of her. I stared seriously into her blue eyes with a manic heartbeat settling inside me for the look she gave me at our closeness. I eyed the couple inches of air separating us and considered moving back a little. I cast the notion aside when her eyes flickered about my face. I was too content in those blue oceans to dare move now.

"Does it hurt much, Clarke?" I whispered unable to bring my voice up higher. It cried my concern for her. It hinted my pain. It both requested and quietly demanded her honesty. In one whisper I'd shown true vulnerability for her. And I didn't regret it.

Clarke looked back at me in silent study. Her eyes were strong with her thoughts. I could only guess what they were. She seemed to be considering her answer. As if the question was hard to her. Or she expected to find another one inside it to answer instead. I gave a fleeting thought to how I would react had she posted it to me in the same way.

After a breath she looked away, breaking our stares for each other. I did move then. I knew from the pained look in her eyes that she needed space. I gave it to her.

I looked down at her fingers clasping the book tight to her chest. I felt my heart throb seeing them looking so torn and bloody. Slowly I reached out for her hand and gently unhooked it from the book.

"What have you drawn today, princess?" I asked her teasing as I examined her hand. I was intrigued to know what scene had taken form within the book's pages this time.

My eyes were pinned to the cracked skin on Clarke's knuckles but I could feel the strong look she gave me for my question.

"You don't want to know about Roan?" She asked in a confused voice. I looked back at her and gifted her a smile.

"That can wait" I told her promising her my patience.

Clarke seemed very surprised but conceded with a nod. I glanced down at the book again and she understood my request to see her latest sketch.

"It's nothing great" she mumbled opening the pages.

I shifted myself around beside her for better viewing and let my eyes run quickly over the drawings she flicked through to get to the newest one. I barely had time to take them all in in detail. It annoyed me a little. I wanted to study her drawings because to me they were just as important as any war map.

"It is drawn by you, Clarke," I glanced back at her seriously, "That makes it great"

Her smile for my comment gave wing to my heart and I had to look away before I gave in to the voices in my head whispering for me to lean over and touch her lips.

 _Not yet,_ I told them.

Clarke tapped the page and my eyes instantly flew to it eagerly. She'd drawn the commanders glade. And in such fine detail it was almost as if I were peering through a window at it. My eyes ran over the glowing frosted grass and the markings on the white trees. Clarke's memory was impressively sharp. She'd only seen the marks from a distance and with barely any light and still she had managed to draw them specifically in place. As if she'd studied them her entire life. I held strong doubts for myself being able to replicate such detail.

My eyes rushed the drawing and took in everything. She'd drawn it from the perspective of leaving it, a memory from the morning. Which meant she had thought hard over it today. As I had. I tipped my head a little to gain more view and Clarke simply handed me the book. I raised it to the firelight and stared at the smudge strokes that thickened into the density of the woods. My eyes narrowed at the outline of a figure walking through them and my heart skipped when I ran through my own memory of it and realised who it must be. My heart started a charge in my chest for it.

"You have such talent, Clarke" I husked feeling all sorts of emotion for her. It felt overwhelming to feel so much for such a small thing. It made me unsure in myself. And I didn't like it at all.

I frowned heavily at the book as I lowered it to my lap and tried to clasp a hold of myself before I had time to give the commander control. I needed to learn to deal with it. I needed to learn myself how to cope around Clarke.

"There's one more" she told me in a voice that clearly sang she'd seen my struggle and was trying to fix the situation herself. Her hand broke through my line of sight and she flipped the page over to reveal another started sketch of my horse. I smiled wide then. She truly liked him.

"You have a fondness for him that rivals even me" I told her glancing back in time to catch her cheeks flush red. I turned to face her then. I was eager to see her like this. It was a new shy side of Clarke that called heavily for my attention.

She nodded sincerely to my comment, "He's a beautiful creature" She answered back. Her eyes pinned mine and I knew instantly that maybe she wasn't just speaking of the horse.

"You only draw beautiful things?" I questioned both curious to know and eager to tease.

Clarke's eyes flashed with something and she nodded at me. I smiled at her.

"I will tell my horse you approve of him"

She laughed then and my smile widened happily. I returned my attention to gaze down at the page. It caught seriously on the new red smudge staining the corner of the sketch. I quickly pulled her hand up away from ruining it further. I didn't want her hard work destroyed.

"You're bleeding" I told her clasping it in both of mine to assess it. I followed the blood trails up to the thicker blobs congealed around her knuckles. I marvelled at the torn skin. It looked incredibly painful.

"Yeah, that hurts" she whimpered as I poked the skin a little. Her other hand fisted on her knee and her eyes squeezed shut, "Ah! Son of a.."

She pursed her lips to keep quiet and I apologised quickly. I didn't mean to hurt her. I was trying to make sure the knuckle bones hadn't broken the surface of her skin. I released her the second she flinched entirely into me and I stood quickly with a stern look for her.

"Stay here" I told her and strode quickly to the tent flap. I stepped outside and looked about for a warrior. My eyes caught on monroh walking past with a relieved look at her heading to her tent for the night.

"Monroh!" I barked in summons.

I saw her head tip skywards in question to the gods for her bad luck before she hurried over.

" _Bring me a healer"_ I ordered quickly. Her eyes ran all over me with the command.

" _Are you hurt, Heda?_ " She asked concerned. I glared her question down and she quickly turned around and ran towards the post.

I breathed calmly to myself and let the chill of the night silence my irritation for Jes' second before I turned back to the tent. Clarke was sat where I had left her with her book propped up on her knee. Her left hand hung off her knee bleeding against the ground beside the furs while her right hand moved awkwardly against the page.

I walked back to her and was about to ask if she'd even thought of healing herself today when my eyes caught on the picture beneath her fingers. Roan's eyes stared back at me. Cold and calculating. As if they could see into my mind and soul. I swallowed to myself. I didn't like her drawing him. I questioned to myself why she had.

 _She draws things of significance to herself._

 _How is he significant?_ I growled watching Clarke shade about a figure reflected in his eyes. I worried who it was. Her. Or me.

"You should show that to the King" I told her in a dry voice I didn't usually own. Clarke frowned over her shoulder at me. I added coldly, "He may invite you home with him again"

Clarke rolled her eyes at me and it sent a flash of anger up my back. She believed I was being childish. I could see it in her eyes as she closed her book up. But she hadnt heard what roan had inquired this morning during our ride together. If she had she would understand my renewed hostility towards the king.

I kept my anger in check and I readied myself for her argument back. Clarke glimpsed down at her book and tapped it against her knee.

"Roan has his reasons for wanting me to go to Azgeda" she informed standing shakily on her feet, "Just as you do for keeping me here with you. But the difference-"

"I do not hold you prisoner, Clarke" I reminded harshly through her reasoning, "You may leave anytime you see fit"

My heart realised my error seconds before my head did. Clarke's eyes blew heavy with hurt. She believed I was sending her away. She nodded and edged around me to go. I panicked to regain hold of the situation. I hadn't meant to seem too cold or harsh. I just didn't know how else to act.

"Wait"

She stopped and peered back at me with nervous eyes. She didn't trust what she believed was a change of heart on my part. I held my hand out to her.

"You are hurt. And by my doing. Please," I waved back at the furs, "Allow me to right my mistakes today"

She gave me a shrewd look in return and I struggled to think how to correct this. I growled internally when I realised what she was waiting for.

"You are right, Clarke. I judge before I know. Roan..." I swallowed the disgust down and continued slowly against my struggle to admit it, "Roan may be a nice person. I just have to give him time to show me, as he has shown you. You can understand that"

 _She has to,_ I reasoned, _She gave me time after all._

Clarke's eyes widened in disbelief at me, "Did you just admit you were wrong?"

I frowned at her shock and nodded, "I have been known to do that before, Clarke"

 _But only to you._

Clarke let out a low whistle and smiled at me, "I think I like this Lexa. She's easy to forgive"

My head ripped up when she pressed her hand back into mine. I stared into the honest blue looking back at me. I swallowed heavy and asked the one question I'd been begging to ask since that night after my fight with Roan.

"Do you forgive me, Clarke?"

I needed to know if she had moved past the mountain where I was concerned. If everything I had been doing for her and her people had proven me right with my oath to never betray her again. If she still saw me within her nightmares. Her kiss had confused me over it. Now I was asking for a straight answer.

Her smile faded and her hand began to slip out of mine. I squeezed her fingers to keep them with me before I let her fall away from me. I could not hold her to me. I felt the cold return to me when she refused to look at me.

"I suppose not" I sighed exhaustedly. I didn't blame her. I wouldn't forgive me either.

"I dont know if i can" she said voice wobbling huskily, "Just give me time" she offered taking my hand again.

 _But in this world time is only too precious.,_ I thought miserably. I knew it was true. In a world balanced forever on the tip of war, time was just another currency traded between people. My heart throbbed, arguing for me to speak up.

I looked down at her hand in mine and allowed my fingers to squeeze hers tenderly. I lifted my eyes back to her and nodded. I would do that for her. Willingly.

Clarke took a step toward me, eyes burning seriously a moment. Her fingers felt right on mine as she whispered my name to tell me something.

I gave her my full attention but the tent opened on us before she could tell me. She ripped her hand out of mine and backed away from me. I felt furious for the interruption and turned to shout at the woman inviting herself into my tent unannounced. I stopped when I recognised her as our host.

"Niylah" I greeted impatiently and nodded her in. My eyes rushed over her face which was harshly bruised from a recent beating. I didn't understand it. Jakob was never one to hit his kin. She shyly withdrew her eyes from my study of her and bowed her head to me.

 _"I was sent for, Heda?"_

I frowned at her then down at the tray of water and rags she carried, " _I sent for a healer"_

Niylah smiled, _"Healing is something I trained in with my mother before_.." She broke off and her eyes moved past me towards the space behind me where Clarke had started pacing. It confused me her sudden agitation. She paced as if an enemy had walked in.

" _Before the mountain"_ Niylah finished, eyes locked and following Clarke.

"I had heard your mother had been taken" I told her regretfully in memory to her mother. Her loss had been great for us. She had been the best healer in the woods, "I would like to introduce you to the warrior responsible for her spirit's freedom"

I stood aside and proudly presented Clarke. Her blue eyes flashed anger at me in return. I wondered if it was for my using her titled name or my bringing up her guilt.

"Clarke, this is Niylah" I told her gently. My look to her begged forgiveness for my mistake. Whatever it was.

She shook her head at me and continued her pacing.

"We've already met" she mumbled to me.

I looked back confused to Niylah's smile for Clarke. She caught my stare and nodded at me.

"We know each other very well" she told me, eyes flashing over Clarke again. They gleamed brightly and I couldn't help but question that tone in her voice. Behind the respect I could hear something else. Something secret. Something deep.

I looked back to the tight lipped frown Clarke was wearing as she continued to pace up and down. She looked shamed for something. I could feel the tension rolling off her as she moved. It worried me for some unknown reason I couldn't explain.

 _How do they know each other?_

Niylah seemed to read my thoughts, "Wanheda used to trade with me before she left for polis" she explained smiling at Clarke again, "I was sad to see her leave"

Clarke paused briefly in her pacing and then started up again twice as fast. I let out a quiet breath of frustration for their talking in codes and decided to give up in favour of having Clarke seen to. I would follow up on this friendship later.

"Wanheda was injured in training today. Niylah, would you look-"

"No!" Clarke returned quickly to my side and told Niylah she wouldn't need any help. I frowned down at her. Why was she being so tense?

"Clarke, Niylah is a suitably trained healer. She can-" She spoke over me again with a flat out denial.

"I'm fine" She sent Niylah a smile but it looked very forced, "Thank you, Niylah"

The trader girl looked between us and bowed in understanding. She started to leave but I stopped her. I turned back to clarke and looked down at her. I was confused for her behaviour. I didn't understand it.

"Has niylah insulted you in some way, clarke?"

Her eyes flashed fear for my question and she immediately shook her head. I narrowed my eyes at her answer and asked what was wrong. I couldn't understand her complete aversion to Niylah.

 _Perhaps Niylah hurt her before,_ I thought glancing back at the trader. I dismissed the idea quickly on seeing her concerned look for clarke. That wasn't it. I wanted to growl in frustration.

"Look, I can heal myself!" Clarke snapped irritably when I turned to speak to Niylah.

She took a few steps around me to leave the tent and I grabbed her arm to stop her. She gasped when it brought her pain and I loosened my hold only a little. Her eyes tipped up to mine and she gave me an angry look for my stopping her.

"That will be all, Niylah" I announced eyes locked on Clarke's.

"Heda" Niylah set the tray down and left us quickly.

And as soon as she was gone Clarke yanked her arm free.

"I don't need healing!" she boldly snapped over my concern before I could speak. I folded my arms over my chest and looked to all the blood running down her face. Clarke's hand came up hastily to wipe it away from her brow.

"Sit down" I ordered, strengthening my stance when she looked ready to move past me to leave. I did not wish to give her commands but I reasoned right now it was needed. She needed to have her injuries looked at .

I held her gaze and redirected her glare for me in my voice as I calmly repeated myself. Clarke knew not to doubt my anger and quickly sat herself down.

I moved to the tray niylah had left us and collected it with the cloth beneath it. Then I turned and knelt beside clarke. If she wouldn't allow a healer to see to her then she would have to allow her heda to.

I set the tray on the ground beside her and raised the cup to my face, sniffing for poison. It wasn't that I didn't trust Niylah. Clarke's refusal of her healing had just set my guard up. I had not forgotten all the Ice nation warriors clustering the post either. It would only be too easy for one to spike the cup knowing it was heading for heda.

Clarke understood what I was doing and watched in complete silence as I raised it to my lips to taste. It was a risky move, I knew. But I would rather die before she did.

"This will help you sleep and ease the pain" I told her after I swallowed. I was certain it was just a tonic. I offered it up to her.

"Its grounded willow bark" I told her on her suspicious look down at it.

"Whats that smell?" she asked swirling the contents of the cup.

"Cherry"

Clarke nodded though I could tell the fruit was foreign to her. I would show her when we returned to polis. I shifted myself around to sit cross legged and took her hand to lay her arm along my knee. She sipped at her drink and watched me slowly soak and wash it. I kept my eyes locked on my work. I knew looking back would cause distraction.

"Where does it hurt?" I asked her after a while of silence. I'd cleaned her torn flesh the best I could and had left it to soak in the bowl I had rested between my legs. I was now rushing my eyes all over her, considering where to clean next.

Clarke rolled her eyes at me again and continued to finish her drink.

"It hurts everywhere," she told me staring down at the bloody water in front of me, "But that's not really what you want to talk about. Is it?"

I let out a sigh at her, "Clarke-"

"You used me" she growled clenching her fist beneath the water.

I avoided her eyes, "I do not wish to speak of that now"

"What if I do?" She dared staring me down. I offered her a serious look back.

"I do not"

She backed off but I could tell it was reluctantly. Clarke seemed eager to begin a new argument between us tonight. Niylah's presence had set her completely on edge. But I was too tired to entertain her anger. I just wanted to enjoy her company and look after her.

I took hold of the rag inside the bowl and rung it in my palm before I started to dab at the dried blood staining her shoulder. Her other hand squeezed my wrist suddenly to stop me. When I looked up she was giving me a look that said she didn't expect me to look after her.

"You tended my wounds" I reminded her ignoring her plea for me to stop. Instead I moved my attention down to washing her skin clean.

"You mean I tried to tend your wounds" she sighed letting me wipe the rag up and across her throat. I began gently dabbing at the graze on her chin after. In my mind I was building a scenario behind each open wound I cleaned. It made me mad at myself for leaving her with Roan. I should have stayed.

I smiled sadly to myself with her argument, "Still trying" I played back glancing up at her eyes scanning my side. She looked straight back to me and let a short laugh free. She nodded at me.

"Caught" she resigned rolling her head back.

She looked up at the canvas of the tent and let out a short sigh of contentment before she closed her eyes. I watched her with a smile at her finally relaxing inside my care. I could feel the tension leave her muscles as my fingers moved softly over them. She looked peaceful again. I even suspected she was falling asleep. It made my smile widen thinking so.

"How did your talk with Kiki go?" She asked after a moment.

She tilted her head down again and opened her eyes to me. In them I saw a remnant of the hostility she showed before for Kiki. It had amused me before to see her jealous for one who was a friend only in my eyes. Now it did not. I understood her hostility. I had felt it myself under Kiki's interrogation today.

I shook my head at her. I didn't want to ruin the calm between us by discussing that.

Instead I finished washing her face. My eyes trailed over it in the light and painful followed the bruises down her neck and across her collarbone towards her chest. I worried I would find more blood there. Roan was a cheat shot after all. My own ribs ached in evident memory. I should check hers. But I knew Clarke would deny me the moment I touched her vest.

So I turned her hand over instead and rubbed my thumb against the smooth skin of her palm. Soon it would turn rough from her training. It made me sad to lose that part of Clarke but in order for her to be strong it had to happen. I drew little circles in her skin as I pulled the bloody rag up to wipe her wrist clean.

My thoughts returned again to her training with me. I knew it was good idea. It had to be. I just feared maybe in trying to secure her safety I was endangering it. My mind rushed through the reasoning I had made this morning before I had requested from Roan his teaching her. I had done it to show his people she was not my pet as they believed. I would easily throw her to their king. She was nothing to me and so they would gain nothing from hurting her. If only I had been strong enough to follow through with it. I constantly worried for her closeness to me. I feared a repeat of history.

Losing Clarke terrified me.

"What did you learn from roan?" I asked when my thoughts scared me too much. I frowned a little with the deep edge betraying my voice.

Clarke tipped her eyes back to me. She'd been staring vacantly at the fire. Now they searched my expression deeply. I wondered what she saw in my soul when she looked at me that way.

She looked away after a moment and with a remembering gleam to her eyes told me what she had gained from Roan.

I listened intently to what she said. From her day with the king she had learned his intentions once he returned home. It relieved me to know he would cast out all his mother's advisors and begin anew. I was also relieved to know my people Nia had captured in her army's approach to Polis would be immediately returned. He would begin his reign of peace by freeing his nation of his mother's hold. It promised me a hopeful future. And it made me rethink my impression of roan. Maybe i had misjudged him.

 _Or Clarke had advised him today._.

I could easily see her telling him how to lead right. And he would have listened.

 _How could he not?_ I thought peering at her speaking to me. Clarke had this charm about her.

She was undeniable.

I nodded and gave brief comments on my approval for it all. But I couldn't help but notice Clarke's eyes avoiding mine throughout her report and it made me think to what secret of his she was keeping from me. I worried it was something bad. Something he held against her involving me. It had to be for her to fear my reaction to hearing it. I only hoped she would not let herself be blackmailed like that.

She stood when she'd finished her report with an excuse about needing to rest before tomorrows training. I glanced at the fire beside us and noticed the flames had died long ago. We had been talking for hours without knowing it.

I stood with a warm smile for her. She was exhausted and still her first thought was to her duty to learn from me.

"You are eager" I commented. Clarke nodded back at me.

"Roan is an interesting teacher," she told me with a frown. I buzzed smugly with her obvious dislike for his training. Her smile hitched when she glanced back to me, "But I much prefer your lessons"

My heart jumped for her preference.

"I am glad you do" I told her walking her to the tent flap. I lifted it for her and smiled down at her. She looked much better now her face was cleaned. She looked more like herself again.

"I will make it an interesting lesson" I promised. I smirked when her eyes flashed to mine worried. Perhaps she expected me to outshine roan when it came to hard training. It was a tempting idea but I would never be so harsh to her. I was incapable of it.

Clarke nodded and turned to go. She stopped suddenly though and span on her heel to me again.

"Thank you" she whispered and pointed at her face, "I appreciate your concern today. And your healing, heda" She bowed and I rolled my eyes.

"Clarke," I breathed, "Dont call me Heda" She looked back at me confused. I stood taller and reminded her, "Under our agreement you are only bound to me in pretence for others. Please. Save calling me heda for public circumstances. In private I am Leska"

"Leska" she repeated trying out the way I pronounced it.

A strange heat rushed through me with her whisper and it had my heart thrumming loudly in my ears. It felt both foreign and known to me. As if I had felt it before. A very long time ago.

I nodded dumbly to her. She had struck me mindless again. And all she had done was say my name. I had a sudden urge then to ask her to stay with me tonight. I did not want to watch her leave. I knew it would hurt. I wanted her to stay.

Clarke looked up at me as if she could read my thoughts. And it had me gravitating towards her again that piecing look she gave me.

She stepped back from me suddenly and quietly bade me goodnight.

I swallowed and nodded to her. I pulled my expression clear of emotion for her leaving and told her to be ready early tomorrow. Training would begin at first light. Clarke nodded in understanding and left.

I watched her with a heavy heart.

Why was this getting harder?

* * *

I woke early next morning after only a few hours restless dreaming. My dreams had turned constantly through the night, plagued with advice and concern from my predecessors. They did not approve of my care for clarke. They believed she would hold me away from being commander. I had argued back. Clarke made me stronger.

I rose with a warm thought to training with her today. A thought that turned into a curse when I saw the light bleeding in through the tent. It was hours past sunrise. Clarke would be waiting for me.

I growled under my breath and changed quickly into lighter clothes and braided my hair. I hesitated taking my sword and decided to wear my twin blades and knife instead. They were lighter than the sword and I could move easier wearing them.

Cain and Jes were joking with one another when I stepped away from the tent. They hushed immediately at my presence and each bowed to me and gave me reports on the night. I nodded though my mind was distracted with getting away. I was eager to train. Eager to be with Clarke for a while.

Cain held laughter in his eyes as he promised to ready the warriors for leaving on my return. He had an idea to where I intended to go. I thanked him and moved quickly to clarke's tent.

Her guards stood aside after I berated them for their failure to watch her last night. I entered the tent expecting to see her sat sketching. No doubt she would have become bored in her waiting for me. What greeted my eyes was an even more welcoming sight.

Clarke was sprawled on her left side against the furs, her body was half rolled inside them with her head tucked tightly into her arm to hide her face from the light. She was fast asleep. I almost couldn't handle seeing her like it. It struck me hard seeing her unguarded again. With all her walls down. She looked younger. And calmer.

 _Beautiful,_ I sighed internally. Clarke was so beautiful it hurt.

I stepped quietly over to her, making sure to mind the open sketchbook by her hand. My eyes pushed on from the scribbles she'd been writing and down to her face again.

"Clarke" I whispered stroking her cheek gently. I ran my thumb down across her grazed jaw and she startled awake on my touch. Her eyes were wide with fright as she jerked backwards from me.

"Shh, its okay" I soothed watching the scared way she looked around herself.

Her eyes shot back to me and she let out a long breath before she calmed completely. She had looked so peaceful in her sleep but I could see the nightmares haunting her eyes. I worried for clarke's mind with these consistent dreams.

"Im sorry" she husked, voice thick with sleep.

She looked around at the tent with a confused frown for the time. Her arm raised and she looked at her father's bracelet. She studied it a moment and realised it was well past sunrise. Clarke flashed me an apologetic look for sleeping in. I nodded in forgiveness. I had done the same after all.

"Are we training?" She asked me tiredly.

I considered her a moment. My eyes ran all along her face. She looked so tired. I doubted she would handle even a warm up today. It disappointed me but I made a decision quickly.

I shook my head at her, "No. I want you to rest today. We will return to training when you are well enough"

I thought for a moment clarke would argue. I was readying myself to convince her to rest. She needed it after all.

Clarke looked up at me a second then flopped back down on the furs with a content huff, "Okay" she yawned and closed her eyes. I rolled my own.

 _"Sleep well, Clarke"_ I told her pressing my palm to her shoulder. I looked down at it. It concerned me how her skin was hot beneath my hand. I made a note to have niylah prepare a tonic for her for when she woke. She would not be able to ride if she was sick.

My people greeted me as I strode away from clarke's tent. I gave orders for warriors to guard her and sent a messenger to niylah to have her ready to tend to clarke when she woke. Then I set up a personal guard to accompany me into the woods. My body was eager to limber up against its constant aching and my mind was heavy from the past few days. I wished to run a while to lighten the cloud in my head.

I set off slow from the post at first, waiting for my warriors to fan out around me before I began to push myself through the denser part of the forest surrounding the post. The change in speed made me think less on my problems as a commander and much more on how I had to dodge the trees.

My heart bumped in time with my quick run. My mind could not think over clarke but my heart could. It questioned my reasons for cancelling our training. It worried I was again pushing her away. I ran faster to ignore it.

I circled the post as far as the border we would be walking to later on before I doubled back. I made sure to call a guard to check the pass for me before I left. I wanted to know it was free of snow. Roan would be leaving our company today. That pass had to be clear. I could not handle another day of him.

I came to a river close to the post and knelt to splash my face and drink. My breaths were heavy. Heaving even. My chest burned from the exertion I had put into my run. I hadn't run that fast since that night at the mountain.

I shook my hands free of water and stared at my reflection as I panted to regain a steady heartbeat. My thoughts rolled towards clarke as I did. I expected she would still be asleep when I returned. I would leave her today. She deserved to rest until our departure for the border. We had plenty of time after that to train.

 _If she returns with you from the Ark,_ my mind reminded in a sharp flash.

I blew out a deep breath. I was still uncertain of that. And I was becoming sure that allowing roan to train her may have hardened her against thoughts of coming back with me. She might feel safer with her own people. At least they could not force her to do painful things.

 _Don't be so sure,_ my heart argued reminding me of the mountain. It had a point. Though that pain was still mainly my doing.

A whistle went up behind me. My guards were asking if they should tighten their knot around me. I shook my head knowing they were watching. We were too close to the post to be attacked. An attempt on my life would have been made away from the army of warriors that waited just a sprint away.

I stood again and made a plan to run just a little further before I returned to the post. I would have to speak with Roan on my return. I would have to keep from killing him for his treatment of clarke. I wanted to run off this worry and stress building in me before then. I decided to sprint to the post's eastern boundaries. Then I would return to my people.

I stepped into the icy water and waded across the river, fighting the strong current easily as I splashed my way through the waist high water to the other side. I climbed up the embankment and began a light jog towards the tree line again.

I stopped when I noticed a splash go up behind me. I listened harder a moment, pushing my hearing above the flow of the stream to the person trying to walk across it. They were unpracticed with their steps. It didn't take long for them to fall into the water.

"Agh, shit!" Splashing echoed through the woods and I heard them fall again when they tried to pick themselves out of it.

I chuckled to myself and turned to face her with my arms crossed. It impressed me how she'd tracked me here. And it concerned me how my patrol had failed to stop her. It seemed they were beginning to take her orders just as well as they did mine. Something that would have me feeling threatened if it was anybody but clarke.

"And they say wanheda is a mighty huntress!" I called down to her. She threw me a dirty look in return and tried again to get up. She fell to her knees with more curses hushed under her breath at the water rushing over her chest.

"It takes a while for the mighty to kick in" She growled back struggling to her feet. I chuckled and decided to help her.

I strode back to the bank and quickly waded through the water to her. She'd tried to cross at a shallower part of the river to save herself from getting completely drenched. It would have been smart if she hadn't fallen.

I leant down when I reached her to pull her up.

"You should be resting" I huffed at her as I grabbed hold of her jacket. I steadied my feet against the flow of the river and pulled her upright. Clarke followed me in a stumble towards the other bank and flashed me a scowl for my comment.

"I haven't time to rest" I shook my head amused with her cheek. Clarke looked around us with admiring eyes as she wrung her vest, "This is nice. Why do you always seem to find the pretty spots?"

I ignored her question. My attention was running all down her wet body as she strode up the bank a little more to look around. Seeing Clarke in soaked clothes made it hard for me to breathe correctly.

"Leska?" Her fingers snapped in front of my eyes. She'd been talking to me while I stared and I quickly snapped my eyes up to her face. It took a moment to realise she'd called me Leska and not Heda.

Clarke was giving me this patient look, waiting for an answer to something. I had no recollection of her speaking so I ignored her again and strode back to the river to splash my face. I needed the cold of the water to cool the heat flushing across my skin.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked kneeling beside me and touching my shoulder. I looked back at her and tipped my head an inch in confirmation.

Clarke was no so easily persuaded though. She frowned and I easily recognised it as the one that went with her healer thoughts. She brought her hand up and pressed the back of it to my forehead with dedicated eyes that widened on the contact of our skin.

"You're burning up!"

I tilted my head at her. I didn't understand what she was saying. I was not burning. I was not on fire. Clarke's eyes softened with affection at my confusion before she snapped them back to her hand on my head. I gently moved it away.

"I am fine, Clarke" I reassured standing myself up.

I glanced around us in a quick scout for my guards and caught the eye of one as he peered down at us from a tree. He had been watching us with extreme curiosity. He sent a whistle through the woods at my nod and moved himself away to regroup with the others. I turned my attention fully to clarke after. Now we had privacy I would speak to her freely.

"Why are you here, Clarke?" I asked peering down at her intently. She half shrugged with a minute wince when doing so hurt her.

"Last I heard training doesn't stop for bruises and blood" she mumbled looking up at the trees around us.

I tipped my head at her quoting me. My head and heart were one in their affectionate reply for clarke. I however was busy reasoning the real reason for her coming after me.

 _Does she not feel safe with the others?_ I wondered and then felt a smile come to me when it became obvious, _She feels safe with me._

I nodded to clarke and held my hands forward with palms open in request. She hesitated before she placed her own inside them. I smiled at her nervousness and turned her hands over to I could study their strength today. She gasped a little when my thumbs pressed too far against the cuts on her knuckles but she refused to cry out over it. That made me happy. She was learning to cover her pain from her enemy.

I pulled her hands up between us to show her, "You can't use these today" I told her seriously, "A shame. I wanted to see what Roan taught you"

Her eyes screamed her disappointment and I could only smile my apology back. I slowly released her hands. Clarke's eyes rolled all over my face a second and I tilted my head to the side trying to understand that look she gave me.

 _Is she sizing me up?_

She flashed me a daring smile and quickly brought her left one up in a punch at my head. I knocked it back in reflex to avoid her fist and gave an amused laugh for her try.

 _She is relentless!,_ I thought lustfully as she came at me a second time.

This time her eyes blazed in frustration for her miss when I span around her attack. She turned to face me with her fists raised ready. I approved of her strong stance opposite me and was impressed with her sharp lung forward. Roan had taught her to be quick then.

I dodged again but allowed her to catch me on her fourth try. Her determination to prove herself to be rested enough to fight had won me over. And her confident smile for her fist connecting with my shoulder made the pain fade immediately.

"Okay!" I relented ducking her following swing. I stood straight and knocked my elbow to her forearm to cease further attack. I put my hands on her shoulders and pressed my thumbs gently into her collarbone to make her calm again.

"You are well enough to train" I breathed with a smile. She flashed me a grin back.

"Im glad you think so" She glanced down at my hands still on her and took a large step back.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked feigning ignorance to her stepping away. Clarke gave me a look that said it should be obvious why she'd moved back. I strode up to her and touched her cheek, bending my head down to whisper to her, "Or does my touch offend you, wanheda?"

"Don't" She told me sternly. I smirked a little mischievously at her.

The commander part of my mind was warning me to listen to clarke and stop being a child. I was following Leska though. She wanted to be a child for a while. It freed me to act my age sometimes. It showed a side of me that was rarely allowed to breathe. And I wanted clarke to know all sides that made the commander before her.

"What?" I questioned back to her in a curious voice as I tipped her chin up. Her eyes closed on my touch again and it had me grinning. I loved this.

"Do that" She warned swatting my hand back down again.

She walked away from me before I could think a reply and glared at the water. I wondered if she was angry for my teasings or angry she could not play along with me. I wished she would. Her heart wanted her to. As mine did.

 _She will never forgive you if you mock her this way,_ My mind warned as I stared at her. My heart bumped in agreement. I quickly stepped towards her to make amends.

"I apologise, Clarke" I said pulling my hands behind my back so she could see I would not play anymore. I would be the commander again now, "I meant no trouble. I was just playing"

She turned and took me in with a warm gaze that had my heart melting before her. She shook her head.

"Its okay" she softly spoke with a light laugh that had me believe I was forgiven this time, "I didn't know the commander could play"

I smiled wickedly at her, "The commander loves to play"

My eyes ran down to her lips a moment while I thought of all the playing with her I could only dream about. It made my body burn in desire.

Clarke's eyes had flashed back to me with my reply and I saw her study me the exact same way. It made me want to scream in frustration. We both wanted it. It was burning me inside to keep from taking it.

 _Patience,_ my heart thrummed in ache, _She's worth waiting for._

"So..."

I blinked at her moving to one side and pulled myself into the conversation once more.

Clarke gestured a hand at me to begin my teaching, "Whats on for today's training?"

I eyed her a moment and then glanced back to the stream. I remembered what I had planned earlier before I cancelled with her. Clarke had balance problems when it came to sparring. She stumbled often. It was something that needed to be approached soon if I was to increase training with her. I looked about at the resources the land around us offered me and thought up a lesson.

"Walk into the river" I told her pointing at it.

She looked at me confused. Like she believed she'd heard me wrong.

"What?"

"Walk into the river" I repeated giving her a serious look for her disbelieving one.

Clarke looked back at the fast water and shook her head.

"I can't swim" she told me a little embarrassed. I lifted chin and narrowed my eyes a little at her.

"You think I would let you drown?"

"I'm sure letting me die has been on your mind a lot since knowing me" I heard her mutter as she turned away. I struggled to respond. I needed to tell her she was wrong. But in my heart I knew she was right.

"Only a few times" I confessed walking down to the water behind her. She flashed me an outraged look over her shoulder and I chuckled back at her,

"You have wanted me dead before' I reminded softly and offered her my hand as we neared the water, "Now I would like you to stay alive for as long as you can manage"

Clarke's expression morphed from a guilty stare at my throat into one of relief and she nodded with a grin, "Me too"

She gave me her hand and I held her steady as she strode in against the river's current. I stepped with her back into the icy water and guided her along the rocky bottom to the shallows of the river. There I released her. Her body tipped immediately without me anchoring it and I huffed as I righted her again.

"Now what?" she asked watching me take my hands back when I felt she was steady enough. She swayed a little but managed to fight the pull of the water tugging at her thighs.

I pulled my hands back to the twin swords on my back in answer and pulled them free of their sheaths. Clarke stared at them both shimmering in the sun and began shaking her head at me.

"I've been fighting with sticks and my hands. You honestly want to take me up steel grade this quick?"

I ignored her and handed her one. She would need to learn how to handle a sword eventually. Now was better than later. I began our lesson.

"As a warrior you not only need confidence in your skill with a blade, but also in your body's ability to use it. Without true balance a warrior cannot hold their sword properly"

I took a couple steps back then and demonstrated a move that required my full strength against the water's pull. Clarke watched me with awe in her expression. I wondered what I looked like to her.

"Your sword is an extension of your arm" I told her and held mine out with a nod to her to copy. She did with barely a tremble passing down her arm like most warriors who took up their first weapon did. I smiled at her, "When your arm swings, your body must follow correctly. Otherwise-"

"The swing falls short and game over" She finished for me. I nodded at her, pleased with her attention.

"Your game will never be over so long as you move correctly"

"So why the river?" She asked looking annoyed down at the water pushing on her legs.

"You have little balance, Clarke. In the fighting sense" I said quickly to save myself from her anger. I smiled when she shut her mouth and I continued, "The river will pull you about as you move. Like an enemy would if they grabbed you in a fight. You must learn to swing correctly against the current. Against your enemy's move"

She scoffed lightly, "You just wanted to get me wet again" She complained back.

I had to bite my lip to keep the smirk back.

 _Yes._

I waded back to her and raised my sword with instructions for her to aim for simple taps for now. We would be saving the true sword lessons for dry land when it was less likely she would stab me or herself by accident. She looked apprehensive but nodded at me.

A fire came to her eyes when I told her to begin and I knew this lesson would be one of many enjoyments for me with her.

I raised my sword in my hand and nodded for her to start but her eyes had fixed onto something behind me. I straightened my stance when I registered the look of shock and anger coming to Clarke's eyes and turned myself back. I backed up to protect her when I saw the figure standing on the trail surrounded by my patrol guards' spears.

I glared at her watching me and I struggled to remain with clarke. I wanted so much to cross the river and slit her throat. Clarke gripped the back of my shirt tightly as if she knew of my lust for revenge for our people. She whispered the warrior's name in question to me and my rage thickened with my nod.

"Eko"


	17. Chapter 17

**300 followers! WOO! :)** **Hey gang, miss me? :P**

 **So I honestly thought I'd do more writing while I was away.. Turns out I did but not for this story. I, uh *cough* may have written two new Clexa stories instead... whoops.**

 **Now leeeets talk about The 100.**

 **I haven't watched it since Lexa's death. Not from making a stand or anything. I just haven't had time... Plus I kinda don't wanna watch it...But online reviews and youtube are beautiful things. So! *spoiler alert***

 **1: I'm super sad Aden died 2: I'm even sadder Lincoln died 3: Somebody tell me this was the ep where Octavia beat the shit out of Bellamy! 4: Luna huh, who'd have guessed (bets on her being related to Lexa/Costia anybody?!) 5: Somebody please kill Pike & Hannah already. Just please! 6: Titus is still a bitch. But he did redeem himself a tiny bit in the end 8: Ontari you sneaky fuck! 9: Roan man! Wtf you doing?! 10: KABBY! 11: I honestly don't think I can handle much more of my show favourites dying. Heart breaking a lil more here.**

 ** _Reviewer corner is non existent today bc I'm feeling too lazy to make individual replies._**

 ** _Although I will say to reviewer; mb168: Your reviews are welcome but stop panicking! Lexa's not going anywhere!_**

 ** _*Hands out generic thank you cards to the other reviewers* I still love you all and am playing a catchy thank you song on my guitar in my head! :)_**

 **Turning up: Hold Me Down by Halsey.**

* * *

 ** _The kill is yours..._**

* * *

 **Clarke.**

Jes has really dark eyes when she's thinking. Usually they're a perfect mixture of green and gold. But in her anxiety they had turned a pure brown colour that swirled like a storm with her thoughts. Her eyebrows knit together and her hands get busy doing anything and everything to stop her worrying about it.

Her arms are toned and have a slight tan to them from years of hunting in the sun. She's right handed. Her dominant arm moves back and forth as she sharpens down the length of her sword and the left simply flexes gently in her twisting the sword in the light to check her work.

She has a tattoo rounding her left bicep. Just two simple bands of black. The exact same tattoo Lincoln has above his tribal one on the same arm. Probably its a sign of being Trikru. I've seen it before on their clan emblem.

Jes' dark hair is pulled back today into a high ponytail with three tight braids on the right side of her head tracing back to interlink with the tail. A little like Octavia's style. It makes her look older somehow. There's a scar now visible on her right cheekbone that I hadn't notice before. Just a little pale thin line from a past pain. Training or battle scar, I don't know. I'm a little hesitant to ask.

Standing above the tattoo peeking out around her vest, on the back of her right shoulder, is the Trikru brand. She told me it marked her passage becoming a warrior for her clan. It made me think if Monroe would get one too. And if Lexa had one. I couldn't remember ever seeing it. Maybe nightbloods weren't initiated into clans like normal warriors.

Underneath the old brand is the start of Jes' map of kill scars. And there are a lot of them praising her strength as a warrior. It makes me guess what sort of battles she'd been in and how old she must have been when she earned them. She can't be that much older than me. It makes me sad to think she'd killed as a child.

Below the kill marks, on the small of her back, are longer more faded scars that only become visible when she bends or crouches low enough to make her vest ride up. But these aren't kill marks. I can tell. They're thicker and harsher looking. They were made on purpose but not for her achievement. But for her punishment. My best bet for their existence is whipping. Jes had previously done something wrong and was forever scarred for it. I wondered what her crime had been.

Her lips looked cold and she's shivering without her jacket but her smile is warm whenever she glances my way. Like I'm something she enjoys looking at. Her eyes even sparkle a little with it, just momentarily losing their anxious glow. For some reason it pulls a tiny smile back from me. I like seeing her happy.

She speaks softly when she addresses me. There's none of the hard tone she reserved for when she's barking orders at Monroe. Or the serious one she used addressing other grounders. Instead it's light and welcoming. Soothing in away. Especially when she speaks her native tongue. It could lull me to sleep if she used the right words.

And all this I know because I've had nothing else to look at for the past two fucking hours.

"Clarke, please!" The warrior sighed fed up to the teeth with my relentless pacing up and down in front of her.

"How can you just sit there?!" I questioned back against her patience.

I couldn't help it. I felt completely frustrated not knowing what was happening back at the river. Lexa had sent word to have jes and cain brought to her straight after she'd made it out of the water to confront echo. Her words with the two warriors were brief and then I was being hauled away by Jes back to the post for protection. It had me pissed at Lexa for believing I couldn't handle it. And even more so for her sending me off like some child that needed keeping safe. I could look after myself.

 _They've been gone too long,_ I thought anxiously speeding up my steps. It didn't take two hours to talk to a traitor. It didn't take two hours to kill one either. Lexa should have been back ages ago.

 _Where is she?_

Jes silently watched me pace the length of the tent another couple of times before she stood up.

"Enough!" She growled putting her body in the path of my pacing, "You will sand your feet off if you continue"

I ignored her and pushed her hands off me to continue walking up and down. The rhythm of my steps calmed me. It stopped me thinking the worst had happened.

"Clarke, please!"

I glanced back at her. She was pinching the bridge of her nose in obvious pain for my ignoring her. I could tell any more would push her self control to breaking point. And I didn't want to see Jes angry.

I sighed loudly in defeat and dumped myself on the ground. I shifted inside her jacket and pulled the left sleeve back. I checked my watch again and growled at another hour having passed us with no news.

"Why isn't anybody here yet?!"

I sighed my frustration again and kicked at my makeshift table. I put a little too much force into it and it sent my sketchbook littering pages everywhere while the crate floored itself across the room. It rolled at Jes and hit her boot. She looked up at me with an annoyed look hidden beneath the calmer one she sent me. I could tell my restlessness was bugging her.

"Heda will come, Clarke. Imagining something bad has happened is not productive at all"

She bent down to collect up my sketchbook pages, hands pausing on each page as she took it in. I ignored the praising smile she sent me for my work.

"What if Echo had followers in the woods?" I asked her. She sighed and continued collecting pages, "What if they waited until we were gone to kill Lexa and her guard? What if they're outside right now?"

Jes' hand came up with my questions to rest on the knife at her belt. Her eyes flicked towards the post as if she understood where I was coming from and worried it was true. And seeing her worry didn't help me calm down at all.

I tucked my knees up and rested an elbow against them with a wince when it hurt. I glared moodily at the ground. I didn't like this. It felt exactly like it had at the mountain. I was waiting again for Lexa to come back from bloodshed to tell me everything was alright.

 _She'll come back,_ I thought repeatedly to myself, _She's going to come back._

 _But will she have betrayed you again?_ My thoughts questioned as I remembered what happened the last time. I clenched my jaw to keep the pain in. It wouldn't happen again. Lexa promised.

 _She promised the first time too._

I stumbled in my mind's pacing and thought hard over what Echo could possibly offer Lexa. As far as I could see she had nothing. Nothing that could interest Lexa into handing me over. She was just a soldier without a queen to follow.

 _But Roan does have something..._

I frowned deeper. If this was roan's idea he could threaten war if Lexa didn't hand me over. He had that power now. His army was already outside Polis. Her best warriors were here. She was here. Echo probably had more warriors in the woods. If I was going to move against Lexa I wouldn't think twice for a better time to strike.

I thought about how she would handle that sort of situation. She would weigh out her options and choose the best solution for her people. She had been eager to leave me to die the first time. Would she do it again?

My mind brought me a sudden image of the two of us in the glade speaking about our pasts. She wouldn't have told me any of that before the mountain. I wanted to believe she was changed. I wanted to believe I could trust her. But my heart was reluctant to. It didn't want to be hurt again.

I pushed my worry aside and looked up at the warrior watching me. She had this hard thinking look going on. Like she was trying to decide something. I felt way uncomfortable under her stare.

"What?" I asked taking back the drawings she handed me.

She shook her head at me and listened to something outside the tent. She told me to wait here. I frowned and watched her collect her sword before she left. I heard her speaking quietly with someone outside. Their voices were hushed but I knew the one speaking to jes was familiar, even though their words weren't.

I stood and walked to the tent flap, lifting it just as Lexa turned from Jes and strode towards it. She stopped when she noticed me and looked at me, a slight flash of relief in her eyes as she ran them all over me. My heart jumped in my own relief for seeing her and I finally let all the pent up tension in me leave as I looked her over too.

Her swords were sheathed on her back and her face was clear of blood. That was a good start. I continued searching her for wounds before I stared back at her asking for answers. She silently asked permission into my tent and I automatically gave it.

"What happened?" I asked closing the flap behind her. I was anxious to know what had happened to echo, whether lexa had killed her on the spot the second I was pulled away or whether she'd heard her out first. Not knowing was making me feel sick.

Lexa turned to me and thumbed her knife hilt as she decided what to tell me. I gave her a look to say she couldn't withhold any information on this. I had a right to know. The commander nodded and set her eyes calmly on me.

"Echo claims to be a messenger for her king. She says Azgeda is in turmoil and requires his presence immediately"

"So Roan is leaving?" I asked confused for the silence outside. Shouldn't it be noisy?

Lexa shook her head.

"No. I do not trust Echo. She came believing I would allow her near the king. Their relation however does not help as she hoped. She is currently under guard"

 _Relation?_

"They're related?" Lexa nodded and I hid my surprise, "That explains why she listened to Nia" I mumbled, mind working with this new information.

Lexa was talking. Something about roan and echo being cousins. I wasn't really listening. I'd started frowning at my boots. Something didn't add up. Why would Echo help Nia after she'd failed to get her out of the mountain? She should be loyal to the bone to Lexa for stopping the reaping and freeing her. Instead she'd betrayed her. Why?

"Why did she do it?" I asked voicing my mind's frustration.

The commander was silent. She had no answers for me.

"I don't know"

"So what happens now?" I asked looking back at Lexa's green eyes.

I found them already locked on me. She'd been watching me intently while I thought. Her deep look of concentration made me look immediately away.

"I have sent word to Indra to notify her that our move forward has been delayed," she informed cautiously. I looked up to find her eyes flitting all over me for my reaction. I kept my relief hidden and waited for her to continue, "Echo is to face trial" I sent the ground a shocked look. Trial? Lexa saw my reaction and continued to explain, "She betrayed my trust and killed 48 of our people in that mountain, clarke"

I looked up when her voice charged deeper suddenly. She was angry for my people's loss. Passionately so. Like losing them had caused her a loss too.

 _Your people are her people,_ my mind reminded while my heart thrummed at her putting the two of us together.

I nodded to her, "And her punishment?"

Lexa stared back calmly, "Clarke, traitors face death"

My expression dropped and I took a step towards her,

"Lexa, that's not fair! She didn't choose to kill skaikru!"

"You dont know that for certain" She said crossing her arms when I readied my argument. I registered the cold look to be quiet and shut up. I knew she wouldn't listen right now. She was too angry to.

"You're right" I said taking a step backwards. Her eyes followed after me instantly, "I don't know. But I will"

I turned and walked out of the tent. I would go to Echo and drag the truth from her myself. Her people had known that mountain could self destruct. I still couldn't understand how. And I needed to know. 48 of my people had died. Echo wouldn't die until I got my answers.

Lexa came after me and ordered her guards to stop me. I stopped at their swords crossing over in front of me and let out a breath of rage at her. I was not some prisoner who could be put under arrest as she pleased.

Lexa commanded the guards to stand down and walked to stand in front of me. Her eyes searched me a second. Begging almost for me to see things her way. But I wouldn't. Not this time. Not when it was someone's life on the line.

Footsteps came up behind us but her eyes stayed on me. The newcomer regarded us a moment before they spoke up.

 _"Am I interrupting something"_ We both turned to look at Roan. He was glaring at the two of us, " _Lovers' quarrel perhaps?"_

Lexa's expression dropped entirely. She looked ready to order his death. I stepped myself into her way and glared harder at the king.

" _Shut up, Roan"_ I told him angrily.

He bowed his head in submission and straightened himself. It was then that I noticed he looked a little worse for wear. I worried if lexa had had him punished already for echo's presence at camp. My attention caught on his eyes. They were drawn in stress and watched the commander behind me carefully. He looked angry at her. Just like he had before when he'd asked me to kill her. I worried when Roan looked that way. It always promised blood.

 _"Heda, I come to speak for my cousin's life"_ he asked in a strained voice. As if it hurt him to be polite to her.

Lexa replied harsher behind me,

"Your cousin's fate is not in my hands, Roan. You know this"

 _"You are the commander!_ " he growled hotly, "Her fate is entirely in your hands!"

There must have been something in her replying silence that angered him because one second he was watching her and the next I was being knocked aside as he took a large step around me. I caught myself and span on my heel to grab his arm to stop him. He couldn't take her on. We needed to keep peace. Roan ignored me and carried on. Lexa simply watched him go at her, calm and patient, while I struggled to stop him.

Roan shoved me away. He made it about two steps closer before he was shoved back away from the commander by cain's sudden appearance between them. Jes was at my side touching my arm and asking if i was okay. I ignored her and pinned my eyes to Lexa's guard pushing the king back another step with a growled threat for him to back off.

"Do it, Roan" I called strongly, testing my newfound power over him.

Roan's head tilted in my direction with the order. He regarded the taller warrior and reluctantly stood back beside me again. His hands raised to show his surrender and Lexa tipped her head a little at him. I could see her mistrust for him had grown in the few seconds it'd taken him to approach her. For his attack and his continued submission to me. She'd seen it as a threat. To her life and her position as commander.

"Wanheda" she called my name and I stood forward scared. She locked her eyes away from roan's to me. Her chest rose with her deep breath and she sent me a silent gift of apology before she told me, "Echo helped in the attack of your people. The blood of 48 are on her hands"

"On my mother's hands!" Roan argued back, "That blood has been repaid!"

Lexa ignored him, "Clarke, Echo had every intention of starting a war the second she sent your people into that clan summit. Bellamy would have shot everybody in that room if he thought it would save you. Myself included"

I swallowed thinking about it. I knew she was right. Bellamy wouldn't have stopped. He'd have started a war to save me. That was who he was.

Lexa hesitated then. She cut roan an annoyed look. As if what she was about to tell me was something she had planned to put off until she was ready to tell me herself.

"Clarke.." Lexa stepped over to me, "I cannot decide Echo's punishment because her actions were a move against your people at the time. And it is your people who have paid for it"

"What're you saying?" I asked feeling my stomach tense up nervous. I didn't like where this was headed. Her eyes gentle on me warned something bad was about to happen. Something she couldn't stop.

"She's saying you get to choose how Echo dies" roan answered angrily. I looked back at him and found his serious eyes on me, " _You'll be the one to kill her_ "

My breaths shook in my chest as I turned my head back to look at lexa. I begged her to tell me roan was kidding. I wasn't seriously expected to do this. Lexa's tight look back didn't give me any hope. Neither did her silence. She just watched me concerned. She didn't want to push this on me. I could tell. But she was commander first. A betrayal to her, _our,_ people could not go unpunished.

 _"The kill is yours_ " She told me in final confirmation to roan's outburst.

I shook my head at them. How could they expect me to do that? I backed up away from them and continued shaking my head at Lexa. She knew I couldn't do that. Not after the mountain. I couldn't.

"She might not have had a choice" I told her strongly. Roan nodded with me, "Nia was a manipulative bitch. Echo could have easily have been blackmailed"

"Exactly" Roan agreed, "My mother threatened most of those close to her. And myself the most. I would not put it past her to use Echo the same way"

Lexa peered between us and stood back with a judging look. Her eyes moved all over the two of us. I could tell she was thinking we were working together. I could see her trust in me fade back a couple paces. And I couldn't let it.

I took a brave couple steps forward toward her and after a brief look towards Cain's warning glare lowered my head to speak in private with her.

"Lexa, you don't want this" I told her. Her eyes slid back to me emotionless and empty. I gave her a pleading look, "Please tell me you won't force this. If you kill echo, roan has every reason to start a war"

"He could try" she replied coldly, her eyes cutting towards the King hatefully before they returned to me, "But as I have already said, it is not my decision"

"You'll get final judgement though" I started. I was trying to make her see she could stop this, "It's your decision whether she lives or dies"

"She will die" she growled suddenly. I felt my hope leave me then. She'd already made up her mind. I shook my head at her.

"Not by my hand" I shot back as serious as I could. Lexa's eyes filled with dead cold at me. Like she was disappointed. It made me feel tiny and pathetic.

"You expect me to let this massacre go unanswered?" She questioned dryly. I shook my head at her. That wasn't what I meant.

"I expect you to trust me"

Lexa's eyes searched my face for a moment. She struggled to keep inside her cold commanders look. I could see her eyes screaming to me that she did trust me. Completely. I took a step back.

"Give me time to speak with her"

Lexa shook her head straight away, "No. You were a target before, Clarke. If war is what Echo intends to begin by being here then you are in danger"

"So are you" I shot back.

Lexa shifted in insult, "I can take care of myself. You'll not go anywhere near Echo" she ordered and nodded to Cain. I backed up when he came at me. Roan strode in between us and gave the warrior a mean look.

"Touch her and you'll die" he vowed standing tall opposite an even taller Cain. The warrior drew his sword at roans threat and barred his teeth. Jes was immediately at Cain's side with her own sword drawn. Roan tensed a little and waited in silence for one of them to strike him.

"Just stop!" I told them. They all ignored me. Cain puffed his vest a little and glowered at roan, hand tightening on his sword when the King glared straight back. Any second now one of them would throw the first hit.

"Lexa!" I cried to her to stop them killing each other. Her eyes cut back to me in question and I threw my hands up, "Don't you think we have a little bit more to worry about right now than everybody killing each other?!"

She regarded us all a moment and walked past the two men with a wave of her fingers at Cain. He stood back and returned his weapon to his belt. Jes threw the king a last look of contempt before she stood back too. Roan ignored the two warriors and turned to watch Lexa approach me. He crossed his arms tightly and gave a calculating look to Lexa's back as she walked over to me. It made me nervous. I didn't get why he was being so protective all of a sudden.

Lexa drew my attention away from roan when she took hold of my arm and guided me to walk with her. She was silent while she lead me away to her tent.

"Clarke, you cannot keep contradicting the way I rule my warriors" she told me gently as we entered it together.

"I didn't know I was" I mumbled fearing her a little. Lexa glanced at me as if to measure my honesty and she nodded as she pulled her swords off her back.

"I know. You are just trying to help. But you cannot save everyone. Sometimes to lead you have to watch others suffer"

"Don't preach to me about watching others suffer!" I snapped angrily when her words brought on flashes of the mountain, "I've spent my entire time on earth doing that"

 _Mainly thanks to you_ , I added sourly in my head.

Lexa stopped unbuckling her swords and she turned to stand in front of me. Her eyes flitted heavily over my face a moment. As if she'd heard my thoughts.

"I know" she said softly and touched my sleeve. Her finger brushed the back of my hand and she looked down to it with a heavy breath, "Clarke, I know what you want me to do. But I cannot let echo get away with this. Even if I wanted to my people would stand against it. Blood must have blood"

I shook my head at her, "It doesn't always have to"

Lexa sighed again, "It does, Clarke. If there's one thing my people stand by, its that"

 _"Then maybe it's time somebody changed our peoples views"_

Lexa's eyes flashed and I felt her smile at me through her stoney expression. I lifted my fingers beneath hers and brushed them together as I took a step around her. She remained still, waiting to see what I would do. I swallowed at her trust for me and stretched a little up beside her so I could be level with her.

"Let me think about this?" I asked whispering lowly in her ear.

I felt her body lean a little towards me before she husked a reply of agreement. She'd give me an hour. I was grateful for it. An hour was all I needed.

"Thank you"

I struggled to move away then. The air was so thick with Lexa I found it hard to leave. I tilted my head a little, lips just brushing against her ear before I took the last few steps away from her and out of the tent.

Roan was at my side in the couple seconds it took for me to edge my way around Cain guarding the tent. The king's eyes moved unyielding from my face as he walked with me towards the post.

"Well?" He asked impatient.

"I brought Echo some time. But Lexa is pretty set on killing her"

He turned quiet and I could hear him thinking loudly over what was going to happen in the next coming hours.

"What will you do?" He demanded.

I looked back at him. At the worry lighting his eyes. He loved echo. That much I could tell. Maybe she was his only family now. I felt guilty at having this decision pushed on me. I didn't want to start wars or decide fates. I didn't want to lead.

"I'm going to talk to echo" I told him making my way around through the warriors and tents littering the post.

Roan quickened his pace then and began to lead me to her.

"They have tied her to a tree behind the post" he told me slowing his pace as we rounded the corner.

We both stopped suddenly and stared at the many warriors standing guard around echo. I almost couldn't believe how many my eyes counted. Clearly lexa believed echo would have company waiting on in the woods.

 _That or she honestly believes an army isn't overkill_ , I thought in shock to myself.

I moved my attention over to the tree Roan had mentioned and stared over at the female warrior tied to it. She looked so pale and weak. Like she'd just escaped the mountain again. My eyes ran over the dead look she gave the warriors around her to the blood on her chin. She'd been harshly handled during her walk from the river. I wondered which of these warriors had hit her.

Roan growled low suddenly when he saw it too, "The commander is to thank for that" he told me bitterly staring at his cousin. It had me frowning. I couldn't remember seeing bruising on Lexa's hands. And there definitely had been no blood. Clearly she'd ordered cain or another warrior to hit echo for her.

 _Echo deserved that much,_ I thought coldly but kept my mind to myself. I didn't want to anger roan more right now. He looked about four seconds away from imploding.

I ran my eyes through the guards and steadily approached one I recognised.

"Will" I greeted bowing my head as they did in acknowledgment to each other. He remained silent but nodded in respect, " _I hoped to have a word with the prisoner"_

 _"Nobody speaks with the filth_ " he snarled raising his sword to stop us going past him.

Roan exchanged a look with me. He would fight his way in if he had to. He was just waiting for my command.

I shook my head at him and turned back to Will. I gave him a smile and pushed his sword down away from my throat.

 _"The commander gave me permission to speak with her. I'm to interrogate the traitor on her behalf. Heda wants judgement to be fair"_ I lied quickly and smoothly though my heart was panicking for it. The second Lexa found out I went behind her back she would probably have me strung up beside echo.

The warrior glanced beside me to roan and I rushed to add,

 _"The king also has permission. Heda wants him to see firsthand how she treats his people when they turn against her. In hopes he'll refrain from doing the same"_

Will simply stared at me so I sent him a glare and threatened him, "Heda will not be pleased if you fail to let me past. And I will not be pleased either. Do you want to test my patience, Will?"

Will's stance broke a little and I could tell he bought my story. He lowered his sword with an apology for threatening me. I nodded and strode past him towards echo. He turned as I walked around him and I heard him shout at the warriors that blocked my way.

"I wonder what would have happened if he had chosen to test wanheda's patience" Roan muttered amused beside me.

 _"Shut up"_ I told him and walked faster past the warriors.

I made my way over to the tree, brushing myself past the guard who looked incredibly reluctant to let anybody near her prisoner. Roan shoved her aside and followed me to the tree. I watched him crouch beside his cousin with worried eyes moving all over her before I cautiously did the same. I reached a hand out to check her face but she yanked herself back from me.

"It's okay" I whispered gently, "I won't hurt you"

" _You're Lexa's pet!"_ she spat venomously, "Do not think for a second that I trust you not to hurt me!"

Roan took hold of his cousin's shoulder and I saw him squeeze it in threat, "Your fealty lies with wanheda, echo. You will respect her"

"It's okay" I told him quickly when I saw her shake beneath her kings order, "Really, it's fine. It's nice to have someone who thinks I'm normal"

"Apologise, echo" roan growled to her. She mumbled an apology and I rolled my eyes at him. He wasn't helping.

"Echo," i began looking over to at her with his urging for me to speak with her already, "I only have one question for you. And I think you know what it is"

She mumbled back under her breath in a language I didn't understand. Roan did though. He cuffed her around the head and snarled back at her in the same language before he glanced back at me.

"Its Azgedian" He explained eyeing his cousin, _"Speak true with wanheda, Echo. If you're lucky she may see it fit to stop death today"_

Roan stood then and strode through the warriors back towards the post. I watched him go with a worried thought for his destination. If he was going to speak with lexa again he'd ruin any chance I had at changing her mind. There was only so much reasoning you could try with her.

I looked back at echo and noticed her dry cracked lips. She looked dehydrated. I called out to a guard and ordered he bring water. He looked reluctant but soon parted ways with his canteen when he saw my glare for him. He threw it at my feet and turned his back before I could give more orders.

I scowled at his back and picked the canteen out of the mud. I wiped and uncapped it and turned back to echo and raised it to her lips.

"Thirsty?" I asked tilting it a little. She pursed her lips tight and refused to accept it. I sighed at her, "It's not poisoned"

Echo knocked her head away again and kicked the canteen out of my hand. It flew out of my grip and over my shoulder, spraying me with water. Echo fixed me with a cold glare and spat at the ground.

 _"You tried to poison my queen. Forgive me if I am a little cautious"_

A shout went up among the guards and echo flinched into the tree when two of them marched over to deal with her disrespect. I waved them away and I looked at her as I shook my hand out. I was getting annoyed. She could see I was trying to help.

"You know that poison was Roan's idea, right?"

Her eyes widened back at me while I wiped a sleeve over my face. Then she shook her head, "Only he would think of something that ridiculously merciful!" she spat angrily.

I tilted my head at her,

"You'd have killed Nia a different way?" I asked curiously.

"I would have cut her head off," she told me so coldly I shivered, "That is what she deserved"

Echo's hands wriggled a little inside their bonds and I watched them cautiously before I frowned at her, "If you hated her so much, why did you betray lexa?"

Echo studied me a moment. Her eyes ran straight through me. I tried my best not to move under the intensity of her stare but it was hard. She looked at me as if she was figuring out the best way to kill me. She looked away and my heart began pounding at her new look to the guards around us.

"Nia threatened to kill one close to me" She told me quietly, "One I had sworn to protect in roan's absence"

"Shena" I guessed.

Her head snapped back to me and suddenly she was leaning closer barring her teeth like an animal. It reminded me heavily of that jaguar leaping at my throat.

"How do you know of her?!" she demanded angrily. I sent her a wry smile.

"Roan trusts me. Maybe you should start doing the same"

She regarded me a moment and suddenly her eyes weren't so cold on me anymore, "I suppose" she let out a deep breath, "When Ontari returned with news of the queen's death and Roan's succession those loyal to Nia began to revolt. The kingdom has since been at war with itself. Many believe Roan will lead us wrong"

"And I bet Ontari's been sitting out of it all?" I prompted though I knew Ontari was behind some of the unrest in Azgeda. She'd been riding on Nia's take over. I bet Lexa killing her chance at becoming commander had really pissed the nightblood off. Now she'd have to gain it fairly like Aden and the others. When Lexa died.

 _Which will be a very long time to wait,_ I told myself strongly.

Echo nodded at me,

"As a Nightblood she is not allowed to partake in politics. It would favour her mind when it came time to fight for commandership"

"But she's doing something. She wouldn't return without trying to avenge Nia in some way"

Echo looked around at the guards around us and shifted herself closer to me. She gave me an annoyed look and I took the hint to move closer too. She gave another weary look around us before she bowed her head and spoke lowly to me.

"Ontari told Nia supporters about Shena"

"How did Ontari know about her?" I questioned confused.

"She'd been training with Roan before his banishment and the fool didn't watch his shadow one day when he left to meet with Shena" I shook my head in agreement with Echo's disapproving tone, "When news of the commander's fight with the prince reached me I returned home and took Shena out of the city. I knew if roan failed to win against Lexa his mother would kill her. And if he won I knew Nia would still kill her. Just to spite him"

"She was a good mom, huh" I mumbled, "If you hid with Shena, how did she get captured?"

Echo's eyes glowed hatefully in reply "Ontari" she growled the name murderously, "She was sent to track me down. The city elders wanted to interrogate me. Or so she says. She found us and told others where to catch roan's lover. I was let free because the king is my cousin. Shena.." she let out a heavy breath and looked down at the ground regretful, "Shena will be used as leverage against Roan"

Echo refused to look at me. She seemed really upset that Shena would be used like that. I could tell she'd taken her promise to roan pretty seriously. And now she must be feeling shamed as a warrior. It made me want to feel sorry for her. But I couldn't. Because I still didn't understand why she'd helped Nia. Not when Shena was Roan's girlfriend.

"Wanheda," I glanced back at Roan striding to a stop behind me, "We have to go" He told me glancing back at Will's curious watch of us. I nodded.

"Just a second" I told him and turned back to echo once he'd left us again, "Why would you protect her?"

"Because her sister.." Echo's voice wobbled in grief suddenly and it had me staring at her in shock. She clenched her fists in anger and continued steadier, "She was my friend. And Roan is my only family now. I vowed on the day of his banishment that I would always protect Shena. My year trapped in the mountain prevented me from saving her from Nia. And when I was freed the queen threatened to kill Shena if I refused to betray Lexa"

I studied her honest eyes and decided I believed her. She'd had no choice. I couldn't condemn her for what she did.

I stood up. I had to speak to lexa. I had to talk her out of killing echo.

"One thing" I started, staring down at her, "Why my people?"

I expected her to look uncomfortable, threatened even. Seeing her look sorry would have stopped my sudden flare in temper. But she didn't. If anything Echo looked a little pleased with herself. Almost as if she'd wanted to kill my people.

"We knew Lexa was inviting skaikru into the coalition. Nia saw it as an insult. As I warned the commander she would. We knew there was a weak alliance between you and Lexa after the mountain. Nia intended to take advantage of that. I knew Bellamy would fight to save you. I knew he trusted me from our time in the mountain. And from that I knew he didn't trust Lexa. I believed he would storm the summit and his presence alone would start the war. But I had no knowledge of the plans against the mountain"

"You're willing to bet your life on that?" I asked her angrily. I didn't believe her. She looked too happy to see my pain over the my people's loss to not know it had been planned.

Echo glanced back at me and nodded. But for someone with nothing else to lose it could easily be a lie.

 _Speak with Lexa,_ my heart urged me to leave already. I was running out of time.

"I can't promise you won't hurt from this" I told her as calmly as I could manage, "But I will speak with lexa"

"I do not beg for your help, skaiprisa" Echo spat back. I frowned at her. What'd she call me?

"Skaipr-" I stopped my confusion. It could wait, "It doesn't matter. You may not be begging. But you do need my help. You want to avoid death, right?"

"At this point I care very little for my fate. As a traitor to my commander I deserve her justice. As a failure to my king I deserve his rage"

I stood away from her. My head was spinning. She would easily die to right her wrongs. I admired her the same time I pitied and envied her. Echo would easily give her head to be forgiven. Why was I not as brave?

 _That's it!_ I thought suddenly.

I turned from echo with my epiphany and strode quickly away. My heart beat got faster with every heavy step I took towards the commander's tent.

I knew what I had to do.

I knew how to make Lexa stop this.

She was waiting for me when I entered the tent without invitation. Her knife was out and spinning on its point against her finger while she paced. Seeing her like it reminded me of the moment I met her. And that made me stumble my last step towards her.

Lexa looked up instantly when she heard me and she held my eyes carefully as she broke her pacing to come to me.

"What have you decided?" She asked, voice a little heavy with reluctance to know.

I kept her eyes and nodded to her.

"This needs to go to trial"

* * *

" _Echo from Azgeda, you are charged with the crimes of betrayal, murder, and plotting against your commander. The laws of our people are clear. Your life will be forfeit for judgment"_

Lexa's words were cold. They blew out loud across the crowded post and echoed around us on the icy wind. Her eyes were pinned just as cold to the shivering figure knelt in the firelight at her feet. She held no sign of forgiveness for echo. She just stared emotionless at the Azgedian.

The commander's eyes pulled away from Echo and met mine through the twilight beside her a second before she addressed the crowd of warriors and villagers surrounding us.

 _"This warrior turned her back on our people. She helped our enemy move against us. Knowing fully that her actions would result in a war. It is only through the ice queen's death that we have avoided that war"_

Lexa's warriors all yelled out then, shouting praise to their heda. The Ice nation alone remained silent. Though I could see their hate in their eyes.

Lexa shouted over her people to be heard,

" _This traitor's blood is owed to us all._ What say you?!" she yelled to them. Her eyes were bright with her yell and she looked at them all in unspoken command as she stood tall to receive their reply. In that moment it was easy to see Lexa as the strong fearing leader. It was easy to want to follow her.

I pulled my eyes off her. Instead I looked to her warriors as they threw their weapons into the air and screamed at their commander for Echo's life. Even the village children who had snuck into the ring of onlookers was crying out.

I swallowed nervously for the continued screams for death and looked down at Echo knelt waiting for Lexa's verdict. She was staring at the ground beneath her, a little too calm despite hearing her death being called.

I looked away to find Roan's face in the crowd beside his people. He stood to the side of them watching everything calmly. But I could see the pain and hopelessness in his eyes as they stared at his cousin's shaking back. He didn't think she would survive this.

"Wanheda!" Lexa called and immediately the crowd hushed up to watch my step forward. Suddenly I had over a hundred pairs of eyes watching my every move. It sent a shake of nerves down my back. But I ignored them and forced myself to remain calm as I stopped and turned to face the commander. She raised her hand to me for my vote.

"Echo's actions were a direct move against Skaikru. Against you. You alone can pass final judgement"

She stood back letting me have the floor to speak. I looked away from the patient look she was giving me and down to Echo again. She had tipped her head up to watch me stand. I expected her to look scared. Or to beg. But she just watched me silent and expressionless. I respected it enough to decide to go ahead with my idea.

"What is your judgement, Heda?" I asked Lexa, eyes still on Echo's.

"By your hand Echo's fight will end this night" she declared much to the enjoyment of her people.

Echo's eyes fell and she stared at the ground beneath her. She was scared. And her lapse in bravery only concreted my decision to help her. I couldn't let her die.

Lexa hushed the crowd and addressed me again, "Wanheda, what is your judgment?"

I moved my eyes back to Lexa and saw her silently telling me to agree with her. But I couldn't.

"Wanheda" Lexa called pushing me to speak when I stayed quiet, "What is your decision?"

I looked back at her. Then around at the faces watching me. I was nervous. If this went wrong..

 _Don't think about it_ , I told myself strongly, _Just talk._

"By your laws, to move against an ally makes you a traitor worthy of death?" I questioned Lexa loudly so everyone would hear.

Her expression dipped a little with her confusion for my question. But she nodded anyway. I took a deep breath and turned so that I was facing them all.

"Then by your laws I am condemned to the same fate"

A murmur went up among the crowd. Warriors and villagers alike questioning between themselves what I had done to make myself an enemy to them. Lexa moved forward and gripped my wrist tight to make me look back at her. She looked angry but underneath it she looked scared too.

"What're you doing?" She questioned seriously, her eyes searching me. I took her hand off me.

"I'm fixing this" I told her and moved to stand beside Echo. I turned quickly back to the crowd and raised my voice to them, "Four months ago we moved together against the mountain men. When your commander broke her alliance with my people I was forced to make a choice"

Everybody was silent. They all wanted to know the truth behind the stories of the mountain. All of them were eager for my account.

I felt Lexa's guilty eyes burn into me but I wouldn't look back at her. I couldn't if I wanted this to work,

"We had people in mount weather" I told them all, "Mountain men who chose to help my people. Who chose to help your people too. Allies that risked their lives to save us. People who deserved to live" My voice fell heavy and I choked a little around my next words, "But their leader forced me to kill them all. As queen Nia forced Echo to attack my people. If she is to be punished then I should be too. Heda,"

I turned to Lexa before I could let my heart change my mind and locked her eyes before I fell heavily to my knees beside Echo at her feet. I forced my voice to stay level when she looked down on me. She was begging me not to do this. I kept my gaze level with hers and focused on ignoring the pain in her eyes so I could get through this.

"I call for judgement on my actions in the mountain" I told her strongly, "And I beg your mercy, Heda. For myself and Echo"

I bowed my head then and stared at the ground waiting for Lexa to speak. When she didn't her warriors did.

The crowd shouted out to her. Some begging for my life. Others crying at the foul play against their traditions. One or two happily screamed my fight be over already. They cried that I deserved this. I could easily tell the Ice Nation had decided themselves audible again when an even larger cry for my life went up. And each outcry chipped a little more of my brave resolve away until my hands were trembling.

 _Stay calm_ , I told myself to focus on the ground instead of their voices, _Keep breathing, Clarke._

I swallowed down the scared whimper building in my throat and reminded myself that Echo had been brave. I could be too. I would be. I had to if Lexa was to take this seriously.

I heard a scuffle break out near the fire when Lexa still failed to speak and I listened as a body hit the ground. Cain's voice overrode its owner's winded struggle back to their feet and I listened as he told another of the warriors to calm and wait for heda. I had a horrible feeling it was Jes trying to come to me. I hoped it wasn't. I didn't want her getting into trouble for me. I'd caused enough pain tonight.

I shook a little to myself and watched tensed as Lexa's boots shifted slowly into view in front of me. I chanced a look up and immediately regretted it. She looked down at me with so much loathing rage it had me trembling. She was furious with me. For speaking against her and for contradicting her rule again. I sent her a pleading look. She had to understand why I did it. I couldn't let Echo die for something I had gotten away with doing myself. It wasn't fair. As someone who believed in justice Lexa had to know that.

 _She does know_ , My heart whispered in hurt against Lexa's anger, _She's just scared she can't protect you from this._

I gave the commander a brave tilt of my chin and silently told her, _I don't need protecting._

 _I made this choice with my head and not my heart._

Lexa's eyes rained heavy on me a moment longer before she stormed off past me towards her tent. I breathed out deeply and let myself shake finally from the fear her rage had given me. I had never been more scared in my life.

Behind me there was a quiet settling over the post. The warriors didn't know what to make of their commander walking away from handing judgement. Questions went up and I heard Cain tell them to remain here while he strode around Echo and me to the commander's tent. I didn't miss the hard look he shot me over his shoulder as he passed.

"You are foolishly stupid" I heard Echo tell me. I looked back to her and gave her an annoyed look.

"I may have just saved your life" I told her, "The least you could do is be grateful"

"You may have saved me" She agreed dropping her head an inch when I glanced her way again, "Or you may have forsaken your own fight"

I rolled my eyes and was about to tell her I had this covered when hands grabbed me suddenly. I gasped in pain at them yanking me roughly backwards onto my feet and I jumped at the harsh voice growling low in my ear as I was pulled to one side.

"Are you insane or just stupid?!" Roan demanded angrily squeezing my arms and shaking me. I gasped at his strength pushing on my already aching arms and pulled myself free of him. I gave him a glare.

"You wanted me to save Echo. This was the only way"

Roan crossed his arms over his chest, "Throwing yourself into Lexa's sword, that was your idea?"

"I'm not saying it was my best plan" I mumbled moving my eyes to Lexa's tent. I knew that right now she would be thinking everything through and planning the best option for her people. I just prayed she did the right thing.

"This won't end the way you want it" I looked back to roan. He was watching me carefully, eyes narrowed at me while I was thinking, "She's not as merciful as you believe, Clarke. You will suffer for making her look weak"

"And I'm ready for that" I told him truthfully though the words wobbled in my throat. Roans eyes fell heavier over me, pityingly.

"Are you?"

 _No._

Roan looked away when his name was called. Cain was summoning him to Lexa's tent. The King let out a heavy breath and touched a palm to my shoulder.

"I will try to help you" he promised moving away, "With any luck you will escape this with mild punishment"

My thanks died in my throat then. It hadn't occurred to me just how cruel this punishment would be. I knew grounder traditions were harsh. I remembered watching Gustus being put through a thousand cuts. I remembered raven's screams having the same done to her. I wasn't ready to go through that myself.

 _Too late to think about it now,_ My thoughts snarled angry for my stupidity.

Roan walked away and I let my gaze drift after him as he walked around the bonfire to where Cain stood holding Lexa's tent open for him. Through the tiny gap under Cain's arm I saw Lexa stood still and tense waiting for the King. Even through the heavy smoke of the bonfire I could see she was furious with him.

 _She thinks he talked me into it,_ I sighed internally. Lexa would never believe I had done this off my own back. She would always think me too weak to make such a move against her.

 _Not anymore,_ I thought strongly _, After tonight everything changes._

My heart beat quickened in my chest, reacting to the scared thoughts overtaking my mind suddenly. I swallowed heavily to keep myself from looking as scared as I felt. I was not weak.

"Clarke!"

I looked up at Monroe skidding to a stop beside me, blood on her lips. I stared at it and she smirked a little to me.

"Jes sent me" she told me. She looked back at the others, "They tried to keep me away"

"And what did you do?" I asked already disappointed. She shrugged uncaring back at me.

"I punched a guy. Look, are you serious about this? This isn't just some trick to-"

"It's not a trick" I told her avoiding her wide eyes, "I've run away from what I've done long enough. Its time to face it"

Monroe was quiet as she regarded me. Maybe she was thinking about what she'd heard when she'd listened in on my nightmare. Maybe she understood why I was doing this. She leant closer so she could speak quietly over the din of the crowd behind us.

"Clarke, Lexa could kill you" she told me seriously as if I hadn't seen that as an outcome yet. I nodded to her. I knew that.

"I'm hoping she won't"

"And if she does?" Monroe questioned peering at me carefully.

I looked away and let out a fearful breath. If I died nobody would stand in Lexa's way against Skaikru. I knew she held some respect for Kane but not enough to stop her going to war with my people. I had not only wagered my life for Echo's but all of Skaikru. It made me feel hollow inside to be on that side of a bargain again. I didn't want to mess up like I had last time.

"Tell my mom I'm sorry" I managed through the tears that wanted to fall suddenly. I looked up to keep them at bay and continued, "Tell everybody back at the Ark this coalition is the only way our people can thrive in peace. Do not avenge this. That means you too, Monroe"

She nodded to me. Her green eyes locking on mine as she gently clasped my arm said she would do this for me. Even if it got her in trouble with her new clan. She would do this.

"Thank you" I whispered gratefully and squeezed her arm back.

She stayed with me while we waited for news from Lexa. Her light conversation about the Ark worked in keeping me calm in front of everybody else. But it didn't stop me feeling their eyes on me. Or hearing their whispers. They were confused for Lexa's leave. They questioned her loyalty to them over her reluctance to have me punished as she would in a heartbeat if it had been any of them to do what I had. I sat there with monroe and forced myself to endure Lexa's people call her weak.

Monroe's head snapped up at approaching footsteps and I quickly pulled myself together so I could look strong when I faced them. Monroe gave me an encouraging look before she left me to back into the line of warriors again. I took a deep breath and returned myself to echo's side. I refused to look Lexa in the eye. Instead I looked everywhere but her. I couldn't handle seeing her rage.

My eyes cut questioningly over her shoulder towards roan but he stayed quiet behind the commander with his eyes pointed forward at the crowd. I couldn't help but take it to be a bad sign.

"Warriors!" Lexa called demanding their attention. The post went deadly silent as she looked around at them, "It seems today we must punish two. Echo of Azgeda. And Clarke of skaikru"

I barely heard the warriors immediately going into uproar against it. My heart was charging sickeningly fast inside my ears.

"She didn't do anything!" I heard one yell.

Another joined them, "Wanheda is our saviour!" They screamed over the others.

"Yes!" Lexa shouted back, "Yes, she is! Wanheda saved many lives that night while we turned our backs on her. We do not deserve her continued support"

I did look back at her then. Lexa was facing me, speaking as if the crowd wasn't there. Her eyes held mine steadily, all the anger was gone from them. Now she spoke sincerely. From her heart. It made me instantly regret my decision to do all this. Because obviously it pained her to call judgement on me.

 _Like you knew it would,_ My heart pained miserably.

Lexa's eyes held mine a moment longer before she turned to the King behind her.

"King Roan and I, as your liege leaders, are the ones called for vote on your judgment. King Roan of Azgeda, what say you?"

She stood back and I got a full view of Roan's face as he gave his vote. His jaw squared at the shouts going up in the crowd and he refused to look at us. Echo looked back at me and I gave her a reassuring nod. We'd be okay. We had to be.

"They are guilty only of following orders and protecting their people" Roan called out, " I call no death. But lives have been lost in both cases. So punishment must be had"

Lexa nodded, "I agree"

I let out a deep breath of silent relief. We wouldn't die.

Beside me Echo was shaking her head at me,

"Death would be kinder" I heard her whisper back to me.

"Echo of Azgeda" Lexa began standing directly in front of the warrior, "For the deaths of 48 skaikru you will endure 48 blades of fire"

Echo's back tensed up and I could tell it was a bad punishment. I swallowed. What was I about to hand myself over to?

Lexa looked back at me, "Wanheda, these people were new to your group. They had fallen from the sky from another part of the ark. Correct?"

I nodded, "Yes"

"Which station?'

"Farm station" She looked at me wanting a number and I shivered knowing what she would do with it. So I lied to save Echo further pain, "The second"

Lexa eyes narrowed but she nodded, "Echo, you will suffer 48 blades of fire and an additional 10. So your skin may always honour the people you helped murder"

I felt my skin freeze. I stared back at Lexa. How did she know farm station was the tenth one on the ark? Lexa was looking coldly down at the Azgedian warrior but I knew it was a look meant for me.

 _She knew I would lie._

Lexa turned away from echo and approached me, "As for you Wanheda. To place 300 cuts on you would surely kill you. Instead you will carry one for every known ally that actively helped your people"

I nodded. 11 cuts. That was fair. She started to turn but I spoke up.

"I wish to extend my punishment, Heda"

The crowd gasped. Lexa she span back to me with surprise and fear in her eyes. They moved quickly back towards her people and she looked eager to ignore me. But their eyes on her forced her to hear me out. She nodded for me to speak. I stood taller but kept my head bowed.

"Children were killed that night. Innocents who shouldn't have paid for their parents' mistakes"

I sent her a pleading look. Suddenly this wasn't about saving echo. It was about me facing my demons. I needed to answer for this. It was the only way.

Her angry look for me softened a little and she nodded her consent.

"How many?"

I swallowed the pain down when I answered, "26"

Lexa looked away to the fire but she couldn't hide the flash of pain in her eyes.

"It will be done"

"And," I added before she could move away again, "I have yet to answer for the murder of your people, Heda"

Lexa was shaking her head. I could tell her discomfort was building with her people's whispers, "You have already suffered enough since then" she told me gently. She intended to leave it there. But I couldn't. I had to answer for this. All of it.

"Not as much as the families left with dead warriors" I answered strongly. A few warriors behind me called for it to be done. Their families needed justice.

I stared at her and watched her being pushed into a corner. She couldn't stop this. And it made her angry.

"Wanheda!" she called loudly in a furious snarl that echoed around us, "You will suffer cuts for the mountain allies slain. Brands for the children murdered. And 12 lashes in honour of the 12 clans you insulted when you burned our warriors alive" She paused and stared at me with heavy discomfort in the silence that followed her, "Is there anything else you wish absolution from?"

She sounded incredibly angry but it didn't deter me from answering her question.

"TonDc" I whispered bowing my head in guilt.

Immediately she shook her head and approached me. She bowed her head and whispered to me.

"If you are to suffer for that night then so should I. It was not your fault, Clarke"

"It was entirely my fault" I said in a dead voice against her reasoning. I was one the mountain men's target. I was the reason for the war council. I should have raised the alarm. I could have saved those people. If she hadn't stopped me they would all be alive.

 _You tried,_ My heart reminded. I ignored it. I didn't try hard enough.

Lexa moved her pitying look from me and stood back to speak to the crowd.

"At sun high tomorrow these betrayals will be met with justice" she declared loudly, "At the hands of King Roan. And myself"

My head snapped up. Lexa would personally punish me?

 _Of course_ , my heart ached, understanding finally the pain in Lexa's eyes, _She would not allow others to handle you._

Suddenly I couldn't go through with this. Making Lexa physically hurt me would be too much for her. For both of us. She had to make someone else do it.

 _Be strong_ , my heart bumped. It reminded me I had to stay still. I had to follow through with this decision. I'd gone too far to turn back now. To speak up just because I didn't want Lexa to hurt would only make her look more weak. This would be a show to her people. She was going to prove to us all that she was strong and she was cruel. By making the best out of the shit situation handed to her. And if I learned my lesson in the process then that would be another win for her.

Because she always won.

Warriors started to break away from the crowd and at Lexa's order the others followed. I drew a deep breath as orders were given to ready the area for tomorrow. I stood back and watched as two men were picked to go cut down a tree to use as a scourging post for my whipping. My eyes followed their walk into the woods as I began a slow walk towards the commander.

Lexa gave her last commands and turned. She saw me coming towards her and walked away in the opposite direction with cain on her heels. I stopped. I watched her go with a pain settling inside me. I knew come tomorrow it wouldn't be the only pain I struggled with.

"You are brave, sky girl" Echo told me coming to stand beside me, " _But foolish"_

"One part brave, three parts fool" I mumbled back distracted as I continued to watch Lexa's walk to her tent. She looked exhausted suddenly. As if the world had just been set on her shoulders. I felt terrible for causing it.

Echo had turned to me with my reply. Now she stood arms crossed looking down at me confused. I sent her a light smile.

"Its a quote from a book I read once"

"You read many books?" she asked. I nodded and she shook her head, "That is why you are so foolish"

She strode away then and let herself be put under arrest by Lexa's warriors. I rolled my eyes for her logic. If the world were that simple I doubted we'd be at war constantly. I watched the two warriors grip Echo's arms and harshly pull her away towards her tree again to be tied up. I wondered then if I was going to be put under guard for the night too. I got my answer when Jes strode up to me.

She gave me a look that said she was about to blow up over my reckless decision to get myself punished. I gave her one back that said I wasn't in the mood for a lecture. I started to walk back to my tent. She followed me closely, her silence speaking her anger for her. I tried to ignore it. She was just concerned for me.

Monroe was stood by my tent when we approached, with her sword in her hand and a hard expression ready for the warriors that passed close to her. I frowned down at the sword. Why did she look ready for attack?

"You publicly stood up for a traitor" Jes told me and I looked back at her, "Many will be after your blood tonight"

"Saving someone from death over something they had no choice in, that deserves my blood?" I questioned her. She nodded back, "Thats just.." I couldn't even voice how barbaric it sounded to me.

Instead I shook my head and walked into my tent, yanking the flap shut behind me before either of them could walk in after me. I heard jes behind me giving orders for monroe to stand guard through the night and it got me mad enough to kick the tipped crate back across the tent again. I wanted to scream from the frustration of everything. It felt like no matter what I did to show these people a better way could be followed they would forever follow their own path. Regardless of the lives lost in doing it.

 _And now I could die for it._

I collapsed to my knees and bent forward with my hands braced against my thighs. I couldn't breathe for the sudden fear pulsing through me with each pound of my heart. I was scared. Absolutely fucking scared.

I closed my eyes with immediate regret when my head filled with images of what was waiting for me tomorrow. I could hear warriors outside shouting and then the hard thunk of something heavy being thrown to the ground. I knew it was my whipping post. The skin on my back tingled and flinched watching the whip in my mind lash out at me in response to the noise. I felt hot and aching all of a sudden and it made me snap my eyes open.

 _I can't stay here._

I needed to get out of this tent so I could breathe again. I wanted to be alone so I could think about what I had done and process what I would have to go through tomorrow. I couldn't do that here under guard with the sounds of everyone moving around outside.

I got up and looked back at the front of the tent where Jes and Monroe's shadows stood tall on guard. I tiptoed quietly to the back and crouched down in the corner. My hand searched the ground for the pin I had stabbed through the canvas to pin it back to the ground. I found it and yanked it out, holding onto the freed canvas with a quick look over my shoulder to check my guards were still talking. I smirked a little as I rolled out of the tent.

I fixed the pin back in place and stood up. After a quick look around I pulled my hood up and began walking towards the wood. I had my breath held as I weaved in and out of warriors, releasing it only when I was through the village and in the clear.

* * *

I walked for the best part of an hour, always with cautious glances around myself just incase anyone had realised I was missing. The way behind me stayed quiet though. No shouts of my name or calls for parties to be made to search for me. As far as I could tell nobody had noticed my absence.

I followed the trail Jes and Roan had lead be through yesterday on our run to the post. I knew somewhere nearby there was a bunker. Jes had mentioned it briefly on our sprint past. I just had to find it. And with the light fading fast I had to find it quick if I wanted to avoid danger in the woods.

My thoughts hazed a little as I walked. They moved around my guilty thoughts for my people and over warmer memories of lexa and her training me in the river to settle calmly over my ever shifting opinion of Roan, his loyalty to Echo, her loyalty to him. And Shena. Both a mystery and and problem for me. She seemed so important and yet both Roan and Echo wanted to keep her a secret from the commander. I didn't get why. If they told Lexa the truth she could protect Shena. She'd have to if she was trikru. Right?

I sighed with the circling of my thoughts and looked around myself. I recognised it. This was the clearing we had stopped inside to rest before the post. Which meant the bunker was close by. I started to examine all the trees. Grounders usually left a mark to let their people know safety was nearby.

I breathed relief when I saw the handprint standing out in black against the green sapling ahead of me. I walked over to it and peered down at the bunker door. It was closed and it looked like nobody had opened it in a while. I started down the steps.

"You don't waste your time, Wanheda"

I jumped and span round. A figure was stood opposite me by the woods. I forced my eyes through the dark and made them settle over the dim light crossing her outline. I watched a whisper of air steam out above her head as she breathed out before she turned towards me. I stared. Lexa was leant against a tree in the shadows staring ahead at the woods. Her tone had been harsh but her eyes looked sad.

 _What is she doing here?!_

"You were waiting for me?" I asked climbing the stairs back to the ground. I started towards her.

Lexa nodded and finally pulled her eyes back to me. She looked at me and I felt all the disappointment she felt for me. It had me feeling bad all over again. I asked her why she'd waited and she half smiled at me.

"Perhaps our spirits are kindred in their need to be alone now and then" she said looking up at the sky and sighed, "Mine needed the silence of the woods so I could think"

"Think about tomorrow?" I asked. Lexa nodded and closed her eyes. I could see the pain trembling inside her for what she had to do come noon tomorrow. It hurt me to know it was affecting her this badly.

"Tomorrow" she confirmed sadly. She looked back at me stood beside her. Her eyes questioned me why I had done it. Why had I forced that of all things from her? I swallowed and looked away. I didn't want to answer. I was scared to.

"Come on" I told her taking her cold hand in mine. She looked down at them then back at me confused.

"Where?" she asked suspiciously. I gave her a look and pulled her towards the bunker.

"We need to talk about some things. And I don't know about you but I'm not doing it in the rain" I pointed up at the clouds forming above us.

Lexa looked up too with a tiny smile back at me.

"It's not rain" she told me but walked towards the bunker anyway.

I frowned at her and glanced back up at the sky. It had to be rain. Clouds only carried water.

"What is it?" I asked following her. She didn't answer.

Lexa put a finger to her lips instead and drew her knife. She crept slowly down the steps to the bunker door and pushed it open. It creaked loudly open and I held my breath as she poked her head inside to check it.

"It's empty" she whispered moving casually into the room.

I followed and closed the door behind us. Lexa was examining the bunker. I watched her check every corner of the room before she crouched to pick up a box by the door. I watched her closely, trying to learn exactly how she moved so silently. She moved the box over to the furthest corner of the room and set it down to search inside it. For a while I just watched her. Content enough to be quiet in her presence. It made me feel safe somehow.

"You wanted to talk?" She prompted after a while of silence.

I nodded myself out of my stare at her back and walked to crouch beside her. She was slowly emptying the contents of the box. Her eyes stayed pinned to her hands searching it. I could tell she was nervous for what I had to say. Even if she didn't want to show it.

I stared at her face and felt my skin tingle watching her keep herself focused on her task. I watched her bring a bottle out of the box and turn to bundle some rags together on the floor beside her. She uncapped the bottle and a strong smell covered the bunker suddenly. It smelt like fuel for something. Lexa poured the contents of the bottle onto the rags and went back to the box for paper and a flint. I watched on curious as she pulled her knife and set it diagonally against the floor towards the pile of rags. She struck it with the flint and the sparks immediately caught against the rags, setting it on fire. She sat back when the pile was burning and looked back at me patiently.

"You may speak freely, Clarke" she mumbled throwing some of the paper over the flames to feed them. She poked at the pile with her knife and breathed slowly, "You have nothing to fear from me"

I frowned but spoke like she wanted.

"Lexa, you understand why I did that"

She nodded but refused to look at me, "I understand"

"And you understand why I asked to be punished?" I continued watching her play with the fire. Her eyes reflected the embers making them glow a little. It caught my breath to watch.

She nodded again, "You want to be forgiven. But having yourself punished to within an inch of your life won't gain you that forgiveness, Clarke"

"Then why are you punishing yourself?" I questioned back ignoring the fear rolling down my back. Her eyes flew back to me startled. I smiled sadly, "I know you, Lexa. You think I want forgiveness through punishment. The only reason you're handling it is because you want forgiveness too"

She looked away and I watched her let out a slow breath. She nodded, defeated.

"Yes" she whispered closing her eyes, "If you are to be punished for saving us all, then I too should be punished for forcing you to do it"

"Lexa-" She spoke quickly over me, refusing to let me talk her out of it.

"I know my mistakes, Clarke. If you must suffer for them then I will suffer too" She looked back at me and I felt my breath hitch dramatically when she leant forward and touched my cheek, "As I have every day since the mountain"

I met her eyes and watched the green in them storm heavily with her honesty. I knew she was telling the truth. She did hurt over what she'd done. But at the same time I couldn't let myself believe her. She was too good at lying to me.

"If you felt that way why'd it take you so long to send someone after me?" I questioned her angrily, voice rising impatiently when she failed to answer straight away. I fired another question when she opened her mouth to speak. "Why send anyone at all? If you felt so bad, Lexa, why didn't you come back the night you broke everything?!"

I shouted at her suddenly and she flinched against my anger like I'd struck her. Her hand left my skin. Her eyes held mine steadily, calmly. And slowly I felt my anger disappear.

"I understand your anger, Clarke. I know you hate me for this. But I couldn't come back that night. My people-"

"Your people were safe with your armies!" I snapped over her excuses, "Your people were walking home. Mine were dying in that mountain and you just turned your back!" I felt the tears begin in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I wouldn't cry in front of her. Not over this, "You knew I'd try to get inside mount weather. You knew I could die. And you left me anyway"

"I didn't want to" she replied meekly, "I was going to come back. I was going to return to you"

"What stopped you?"

Lexa looked away then. Her expression changed a little. Like she was remembering something from that night. And then it faded completely into a blank mask that hid her so cleverly from me. I could guess what she was about to tell me.

"I am a commander, Clarke. As you are too now. We cannot let our personal feelings dictate our duty. If we must let those close to us die for the good of all our people, then that is what we do"

I stood up then. I wasn't going to sit there and listen to anymore of her bullshit.

I started walking back through the bunker. I couldn't stand being in her presence anymore.

"You know what," I said pausing by the door to look back at her. It angered me to see she hadn't moved an inch to come after me. Like she expected me calm down quick. I glared at her, "I'm going to take every second of pain tomorrow and I'll remember everything I did to deserve it. And hopefully it will give me some sort of feeling of redemption. I hope it breaks you doing it"

Lexa called after me as I walked quickly out of the bunker. She pleaded for me to stay and hear her out. But I wasn't going to. Lexa had a way with words. She could manipulate at pro level. I wasn't going to be manipulated by her anymore. As far as I cared I'd said my piece. I was done.

 _Once this is over I'm going home,_ I thought coldly to myself. Kane could become the new ambassador in my place. He would probably do a better job anyway. I belonged with my mom and my friends. My people.

 _If they're still my people,_ I thought glaring at the ground as I walked quickly back towards camp. I was worried how skaikru would handle seeing me again. I knew my friends would be happy. But the others might see me as an enemy for leaving.

 _Worry about it when you get there_ , my mind forced pushing me faster through the woods. My heart throbbed lowly with my pace, trying to slow me down. It wanted me to turn back. It didn't want to leave.

I ignored it. I had stayed in polis for my people. I stayed for duty. Now I would be selfish and return where I belonged.

 _You are where you belong,_ it squeezed making me wince. It reminded me of Lexa's words when she'd found me at the bunker.

 _Maybe our spirits are kindred,_ she'd said. I stopped myself thinking maybe she was right. I was nothing like Lexa.

 _You are,_ my heart and head agreed.

A cold wind blew towards me and I shivered manically. I felt a shift in the air and looked up at the clouds. I could tell any second now it would rain.

 _Not rain,_ I thought frowning at the clouds splitting open in an almighty crack of thunder. I jumped expecting to be caught in a downpour. My eyes widened in shock at the white stuff coming down at me from above. I stopped walking and raised a hand to it.

"Snow!" I laughed despite myself. I'd never seen snow. Not this close. Always it'd been in books or on the mountain caps miles away from me. Now it was falling down on me. It made me excited for some reason. I felt the same happy flutter inside me I'd felt the second I'd jumped off the drop ship onto the ground.

I turned in a slow circle and watched it flutter around me to lay itself over the trees and grass surrounding me. I raised a hand to catch some and marvelled at it on my hands. It was cold. And wet. And not at all as fluffy as the pictures had made it out to be. It was just frozen rain. And yet it was beautiful all the same.

 _Bellamy and the others would love this,_ I thought with a longing look west towards the ark. I could just imagine their faces seeing this themselves.

I could feel eyes on me after a while and decided I'd better continue my way back to camp. I didn't want Lexa thinking I would speak to her just because I was a little calmer now. And I didn't want to scar this memory by letting her walk in on it. So I turned back to the trail and blindly made my way through the dark trees again, pushing myself quicker the colder I got from all the snow falling on me.

I could hear Lexa following through it behind me. I'd known she would. With my life up for grabs again she would be paranoid for anyone who approached me. I felt like telling her to go float herself. I could survive without her protection. But I didn't want to show her that I acknowledged her existence right now. I wanted her to remember my last words to her. I wanted them to sink in. And I wanted her to remember them tomorrow when she handled the whip.

I wanted her to hurt too.


	18. Chapter 18

**Gedding my Lexa/Alycia fix from FTWD SE2... Its not the same :( Also I finally caught up with The 100! Except ep 8.. the internet broke for that one..**

 **So this update is probably everywhere. I wrote it in** **literally** **half an hour after I watched the newest ep at 5am today. Expect sleepy crazyrach writing is all I'm saying. I will edit.**

 **Speaking of the newest ep, here was my response to it: 1) FUCK YES, MONTY! YOU KILLED THE BITCH! 2) Bellamy, you're a douche 3) NIYLAH! 4) Jasper, what?! You were just beginning to be cool again! 4) Applauding Lindsey Morgan here. Fucking ace acting! 5) Clarke, you made me sad and annoyed about the whole Lexa bit. Just saying.**

 **How the hell does this show do it?! I went from bored hatred to purely addicted again in the space of half an episode! HOW?! Still missing Lexa though. Like..*sighs* immensely. Seeing clarke wearing her clothes does not help things.**

 **So back to this chapter.. I hear the whole Niylah-Clarke-Lexa thing wasn't what you all expected..** _ **. *whistles as I point to the update* ;)**_

 ** _Reviewed and reviewed:_**

 _ **Kass84 & starperformer4343: I'll take them wows! :)**_

 _ **Life-is-rolling-keep-on-going: Have I mentioned I'm loving the username? Also, yes. Yes shit it gonna happen!**_

 _ **Jedi Caro: I can just hear you screaming at your screen. Maybe Clarke will learn her lesson this time?**_

 _ **anon6478390: Incredible works for me! Cheers! :)**_

 _ **Sailor Sayuri: Clarke was overall badass, no? It feels a little as if Lexa got shoved off the table a second there. Don't worry about her though. She'll be okay. Or will** **she...? ;)**_

 _ **hannasaywhaa: Of course Clarke takes no shit. But she needs to stop and figure which shit to call bull before she makes these rash decisions.**_

 _ **mb168: You didn't wanna smack them watching the show? I sure as hell did!**_

 _ **Septemberw8s: I hope you received my email! :)**_

 **So you gotta fire up: I'm So Sorry by Imagine Dragons.**

* * *

 _ **Salvation comes at a price...**_

* * *

 _ **Lexa**_.

 _Blood will fall to the sky's bow.._

It kept churning over and over in my mind. I should have seen this coming. Instead I'd let myself believe I knew her enough to think she would demand Eko's death. I should have known what she would do instead. Clarke was forever trying to be everybody's savior. I should have realised she would put herself at risk. The moment she told me she couldn't kill Eko I should have seen it.

 _I should have killed Eko at the river!,_ I growled breathing angrily to myself while I continued to pace up and down inside my tent. I was stupid not to. I could have avoided all of this. Instead I let myself think as Clarke. I'd let myself be merciful as she would have been. I let myself be weak.

 _Blood will fall.._

Images of it flashed through my head. I tried to block them but I couldn't. I had to watch as they filled the space in my mind that tried to think up a way to save her from this. I squeezed my eyes shut with the pain beginning in my chest seeing it.

 _Clarke tied up... The whip in my hand... Deep lashes splitting open on her back at my strength... Precious sky blood dripping down her back to the ground... Her screams of agony... Her collapsing after only to be put through more pain.._

 _Blood will fall..._

Anya's braid was gripped tight in my fingers while I pulled my way over again through the prophecy. Another part of it was coming true. Another part I couldn't stop. What else would become reality?

I looked down at the braid with my questions. I needed Anya here now. I needed her to tell me to pull myself together and do what was expected of me. I needed her to tell me it would be okay. But she couldn't. Even Indra was too far away to boss me into action. I was alone.

 _To be commander is to be alone,_ I reminded myself bitterly.

I looked up at the light filtering in through the tent and carefully tucked Anya's braid back into my pocket. My shaking fingers found it hard though. I couldn't help but believe that after today, in one way or another, I would be alone. Truly alone again. I didn't believe Clarke would stay with me. Even if she did she wouldn't be the same Clarke. She would be changed and by my doing. It pained me deeply to know that I was to lose her all over again.

 _She asked for this,_ my mind barked, angry for my refusal to be strong.

 _That doesn't mean she deserves it!_ , I growled back at myself. I was sick of the arguments in my head. But the commander's spirit was not so willing to give in.

It forced me to listen again to the reports I'd been given when Clarke burned my warriors. It flashed with the memory of my walking after her through the scorched ground by her drop ship. With the broken charred bones still littering the ground. Seeing it again and feeling what I had felt then filled me again with the inconsolable rage for the loss of my people.

It smiled in response and questioned loudly _, Doesn't she?_

"Cain!" I shouted knowing he was waiting outside.

He stepped inside the tent and bowed his head. I noticed how he kept his eyes fixed on the ground beneath him. Too scared to even look up at me.

 _Feelings are weakness,_ I told myself and quickly pulled my anger back so I could look emotionless when I addressed him.

"How go the preparations?" I asked, voice wobbling a little into a deep husk I held no control over. Cain looked up hearing it and gave me a curt nod to say everything was ready.

"And Wanheda?"

Cain spoke up then, "She is under guard, Heda"

"She was under guard when I followed her into the wood" I snapped back angrily. He stepped back like a scolded child and nodded obediently. I turned away from him and told him, "You will personally go guard her. I don't care if you have to tie her to the ground in order to keep her in that tent. Just guard her"

"Heda" I heard him move to retreat out of the tent and quickly stopped him.

"Don't tell her what will happen" I told him turning to meet his confused eye with a stern one, "It will scare her"

Cain scoffed, "With respect, Heda. Clarke threw herself into this. _She deserves to be afraid"_

I glared him down and approached him slowly, "Are you disobeying me, Cain? Would you like to feel yourself against that post?"

The warrior bowed again to me and promised his silence around clarke. Then he left quickly before I could throw more threats to him. I turned once I was alone and let out a deep breath. My heart was too full of emotion. It was making it difficult for me to stay calm.

 _You are tired,_ my mind whispered weakly, _Rest._

I cast my exhaustion aside. I couldn't sleep. Not when I knew what I had to do later. Not when I had Clarke's shout echoing behind my every thought. I had reflected for hours on that moment in the bunker. Obsessively. I had been right. She was still angry about the mountain. She still hated me for it. And she would continue to do so forever.

 _She doesn't blame you,_ my heart shivered inside me. I closed my eyes. I didn't need its lies now.

"I made this choice with my head and not my heart" I mumbled to it.

I opened my eyes then and grabbed my sword. I would not stay here and worry about what was to come. To think on what I could not control was a useless waste of my time. I needed to distract myself away from it entirely.

"Jes!" I called as I strode past her speaking with Cain and Monroh at Clarke's tent.

She looked over and ran to my side as I turned to walk to the post. My heart was aching already at being so close to clarke and not being allowed permission to see her. I wanted to speak with her. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I wanted to beg her for forgiveness. But she had made it clear I was to stay away until I dealt her punishment later. Somehow it felt worse than the week I'd been banished from seeing her.

"Heda?"

Jes drew my eyes away from Cain's entry of the tent and back to her pale face. She looked tired. As tired as I felt. Obviously she had guarded Clarke through the night. Something I felt gratitude toward her for.

"How is she?" I asked nodding to the tent.

Jes looked back at it and let out a deep breath, "She tries to be strong but I can tell she is scared"

Her words hit me hard. Leska almost broke through the commander's facade with the pain I felt for clarke's fear. She wanted me to go speak with the sky princess. She wanted to see her and tell her everything would be alright.

I forced my eyes off clarke's tent and shifted straighter. I nodded to jes and she began to leave to return to her post.

"Stop" She froze and immediately turned back to me, "Cain is watching Wanheda now. Come. I need a sparring partner"

I needed a distraction from it all. In the past training had served me well to make me forget my problems for a while. I hoped training now would ease me the same way. Even if it was with Jes.

 _Why Jes?_ My heart questioned, a little in humour as I struggled to answer it. I wanted to say it was just because she was there. I didn't care who I sparred with. It was just training. But my heart knew better. It knew I wanted to fight off this jealousy in me for clarke's fondness of the warrior.

I saw her stare at me in shock and then watched her swallow in fear. She looked like she wanted to decline. But she knew not to. To train with heda was a high honour not given to many. To refuse would be to insult me and face punishment. I watched her and waited. It would give me great pleasure to see her refuse me.

Jes took a moment but with a last cautious look towards clarke's tent she strode swiftly over to me. I stepped back to let her walk ahead of me and watched in amusement as she slowly moved past. I didn't once miss the way her hand twitched towards her sword. Like she thought I would attack her. It gave me a smile to know she feared me that much.

I followed her as far as the trail towards the clearing where I intended us to train. There I stopped to give her an order.

"Wait for me by the fires," I told her and gripped my sword tighter as I turned off the path to head alone for the post, "I must speak with Niylah first"

Jes nodded and did as I ordered. I watched her go a moment before I turned to the post. My eyes searched for the trader the moment I slipped inside the building. It was mostly empty. A few warriors were lingering about looking at blades and armour. I found Niylah at her counter bartering with a customer. Her attention fell away from the sankru man when she noticed her commander and she quickly ushered him away so we had privacy. I approached the counter and she bowed with a smile for me.

"Heda" she greeted respectfully.

I nodded but my eyes were already running over the boxes she had sitting on the counter. There were two of them. Each filled with jars and cloth. I gave her a questioning look and she glanced down at them before she pushed one closer for me to inspect.

"I heard what happened last night" she explained as I picked up a jar of salve, "I expected to be called as healer for them"

I nodded, glad for her initiative, "For one anyway" I replaced the jar and looked back at her, "Eko will not be needing your help. Your priority will be Wanheda"

Niylah's eyes filled with shock, "Heda, one blade of fire is dangerous. This is fifty-eight. If Eko isn't tended to then-"

"Then she could die" I finished coldly for her, "Yes. A shame, I'm sure"

Niylah smiled like she thought I was joking, "But-"

"You are fully stocked with the medicines you will need to treat Wanheda?" I asked cutting over her argument for Eko. I'd already allowed the ice warrior to avoid certain death. I would not help her continue with her luck.

Niylah still looked surprised for my cruelty but nodded and put a hand on the box closest to her.

"My supplies are running low. I am missing a few things"

"Tell my warriors. They will get them for you" I turned to leave and was surprised when Niylah called me back. I looked over my shoulder at her to show I wasn't pleased with it.

"I apologise, heda. I just..." She bit her lip and then rushed it out, "Don't let Wanheda do this. She doesn't deserve to be punished for what she has done"

"And how would you know anything of what Wanheda has done?" I questioned already bored with the conversation. If I could stop this I would have before now. I wish others would see that already.

Niylah looked at me calmly.

"We have spoken, the two of us. Of the mountain. I asked once why she had no kill marks and she-"

"How do you know she doesn't have kill marks?" I turned then, attention completely caught on her. To know about that Niylah must have seen clarke's back. Why she had been given permission for that is what concerned me.

 _Calm,_ my heart told me while my mind raced.

Niylah avoided my eyes and I recognised the flash of hesitation in hers. She looked like someone who had just spoken a secret when they shouldn't have.

"I tended her wounds before, Heda. The ones on her shoulder" She looked nervous. Her voice radiated it. She looked at me as if she was scared I knew what she was hiding. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Clarke's wounds weren't tended to at all" I told her remembering the night I had carried Clarke to my room and examined them myself. They had been open and raw. As if they'd been freshly made.

 _She knew about the marks but she didn't heal them..._ I frowned a moment thinking it over... _And Clarke was eager to see her away from my presence before..._

I struggled to piece everything together. The wounds. Clarke's aversion to niylah. The almost desperate way she'd tried to persuade me she didn't need healing just so the three of us weren't too long in each other's company. Clarke had been eager to have me away from Niylah. As if she feared for what I might find in the trader.

 _We know each other very well_ , Niylah had said with that secret smile.

My heart filled with anger when I realised what had happened and I looked back at her watching me nervously. She'd been hoping I couldn't figure it out. And that angered me even more.

 _She has known Clarke?,_ I seethed internally.

My heart was panicking suddenly inside my chest. I felt angry and jealous and worse I felt betrayed. For all those months I thought Clarke has suffered alone for my mistake she'd been sleeping with another. She let me feel terrible over breaking her heart when clearly I hadn't broken it at all. It made me furious.

Niylah looked down to the counter with my raging silence. She knew I was angry and was feeling awkward for it. She slowly stretched across the counter to take the boxes so she might leave. My dagger was out and stabbed into the wood by her hand in an instant. She was not leaving this conversation.

The other people in the room looked up at the sound and I ordered them to leave. I waited with eyes set entirely on the trader in front of me while they quickly made their way out. Once they were gone I pulled my knife out of the counter and strode around to the break in it to her side.

"Tell me. Exactly how do you know Wanheda, Niylah?" I growled slowly, voice heavy with a threat against her lying to me. I wanted her to say it. I wanted her to tell me so I had confirmation that Clarke had played with my heart like that.

"We traded" She told me looking away when I took another step closer for her lie, "She was living in the woods for a while. I taught her our language. Gave her supplies in return for her kills. Heda-"

"And what else have you traded with Clarke?" I asked stepping right into her space with my dagger held tight in my palm. Niylah looked down to it and the lack of space between herself and it's point. Her eyes flitted pleadingly over me before she bowed her head in resignation.

"We-"

She broke off and looked away at the door opening, relief in her eyes for the interruption.

 _"Commander Leska_ " Roan was stood at the door, snow swirling in from his blocking it from closing.

"Not now, Roan" I snarled. I heard him walk up to the counter.

"While I'm sure this is serious what I have is more important. There has been news from Polis" He told me seriously and I looked back at him, "You will want to hear this" He told me nodding down to the dagger that was now pressed to niylah's hip.

I struggled to respond. Polis sending news was urgent. But so was this.

Niylah looked back at me scared. I ground the knife a little against her flinching skin and then removed it. I sent her a dark look before I walked away. I heard her quietly thank Roan as I walked out into the snow. I glared against the cold. If she believed this was over she was abundantly naive.

"What is this news?" I asked Roan the second he walked out of the post. He nodded to the woods in the direction of the fires and I took the hint to walk, "Well?" I pushed as we shared the path down to the camp.

He cast me a slight smile, "There is no news from Polis. I just had to stop you from killing the only healer in this place"

I stopped walking then and glared at him, "That is not your call to make! Little King" I spat, furious he would make decisions over me.

"It is when it is my kin and wanheda you put at risk for your own jealousy" His smile widened when I blinked at him, "So Clarke shared Niylah's bed. You have shared others too" He paused a moment as if in question to his point but I gave him no knowledge on it. He continued, "You have already condemned one of her lovers to death. Clarke will not thank you for making the same mistake twice"

 _And who has been supplying him with this knowledge?_ I vaguely wondered in response. My mind flashed with the memory of Jes speaking with the Ice Nation warrior yesterday. I wondered just how much information she had given roan's spy.

"How do you know they shared a bed?!" I snarled. I was furious that he would know before me. Roan crossed his arms over and grinned.

"With thanks to yourself, Heda, I was present to hear everything that transpired that night"

I shot him a disgusted look. To think of him listening in on something like that made me both angry and sickened. Especially because it was Clarke. Roan shot me an amused look for my reaction and gave me a nod.

"I am right though" he shared smirking lowly when I shot him a questioning look. He twisted himself towards the direction of camp and ran a hand over his jaw thoughtfully, _"She is spirited"_

 _Hit him,_ my heart begged and my fists clenched. But the commander in me reminded me I could not. Though Roan deserved it I could not strike him down. To do so before a public punishment would prove us to be disagreeable as leaders. Our people would question who had really decided the outcome of the trial. They would question our strengths as leaders. And the strength in this alliance.

Until tonight at least I would have to ignore him.

"If that was all, King Roan" I said curtly and left him.

I heard his gentle laughter after me and it made my steps stomp a little through the snow laying faster on the ground ahead of me. I walked quickly from the post, eager to put what I had learned behind me for the time being. I could not think of clarke lying with Niylah. Doing so made it difficult for me to breathe. Made it difficult for me to be commander.

Warriors and villages alike greeted me on my brisk walk through the trail. I barely heard them. Until one voice stood out among the others.

"Heda!"

I ignored the urgent call at first. I was in no mind to deal with anyone right now. The caller yelled out again. I heard another shout at them to silence themselves before I heard my name all but screamed back at me.

"Leska!"

I recognised the voice calling and turned. Eko was looking back at me angrily from her new guard place at the trail side. She had blood dripping down her cheek. Her guard stood over her with their sword raised to strike her into silence again.

I sighed heavy to myself. I was eager to avoid her. I was already struggling to save my anger today. Speaking with Eko would no doubt push my patience to its absolute limit. But I was also overly curious to know what she had to say now. So I ignored my head telling me to carry on and walked over to her.

"What?" I demanded stopping before her guard. She looked back at me with a slight smirk. As if she believed I was too afraid to be too close to her. I stepped closer in defiance to her beliefs and crouched right beside her.

Eko's eyes died in their humour then and filled instead with fear at my closeness to her. Her eyes shot down to my hands rested over my knee and I knew she would keep them there for fear I'd go for my sword any moment.

 _"I wished to speak with you about today, Commander"_

I shook my head in disbelief that she would try to talk her way out of being punished now,

"You are not walking away from this Eko" I told her strongly, "You brought this on-"

She cut over me, " _I wouldn't beg for my life, Heda. Trust the gods on that"_

 _"_ Then what do you want?" I asked tipping my head at her. She glanced somewhere over my shoulder.

"Wanheda" she said lifting her eyes back to me, "I would beg for her life"

I stared at her looking honestly back at me. Eko was begging for Clarke?

 _Why?_

Eko answered my silence, "She helped me despite knowing you would act this way. It was as brave as it was foolish. Though I do not like the sky girl she has made me indebted to her"

Her face twisted bitterly then and I could tell it was something she hated,

"I do not want her punished for doing something that has stopped the mountain from committing on our people more of the same torture I had to go through"

 _If only the world ran on what you want_ , I thought angrily to her.

"Its not only the mountain she asked to be punished for" I reminded her bitterly as I thought to the list of crimes Clarke has publicly announced. Echo nodded.

"But that achievement alone should absolve her for her other crimes. For all crimes she might commit. In barely one moon she did what we took decades to overcome"

I shook my head over her continued arguing and stood up. I could not stay here and let her persuade me. Eko growled angrily back at me,

"What happened to you?!" she questioned and I looked tiredly down at her, "The Leska Costia loved would have never-"

"Costia is dead!" I told her harshly, "Just as the girl she loved is dead. _I am only the commander now._ The friends you had are years gone. You will do well to remember that"

I turned to go but stopped. Eko still believed herself my friend and subject. She considered herself one of my warriors still. She should know she was none of these.

 _Costia would not approve,_ my heart warned gently against the way my mind was working out what to say. I ignored it. Costia was dead. Living by what she'd have expected was not the way I would live. Not anymore.

"Know this, Eko" I told her without looking back, "Should you survive today and you speak of Costia again, to anyone... _I'll cut your head off myself"_

My body reeked in fury as I moved away. I was angry. So angry. For Eko. For Niylah. For Roan. For Clarke. For Clarke the most. She knew what she had been doing the second she bowed for judgement. She knew what it would do. What it would cause. And then to tell me she hoped it broke me.. It made me angry to know that was exactly what it was doing.

I walked past the fires and my warriors posted there tending them. My pace was fast. I needed to return to my tent so I could think away from others.

"Heda!" Jes called out when I walked past.

She was stood by the fires, a warrior walking away from her said they'd been talking. She greeted me with a smile when I turned to know what she wanted. I watched her pulling her jacket off while she asked if I was ready now to spar with her.

I'd completely forgotten about training. My mind had been overcome by an overload of information from everybody. But it saw Jes and immediately threw me visions of her passing on information to Roan's spy. It saw her secret whispers and smiles with Clarke. Here was another that held Clarke's affection before I did.

I knew suddenly where to place all this murderous emotion inside me.

Jes didn't notice my longer strides pacing suddenly towards her. She was busy pulling her sword belt off her waist,

"Heda, I advise making this spar a short one. It is too cold to-"

I broke her off when I unsheathed my sword and swung the blade heavy at her head. To my fury she'd glanced up and had seen my attack coming in the last second. Jes ducked my sword and stumbled away from me, dropping her own blade in the process. I turned to her in my mounting rage and quickly moved to strike again, completely uncaring that her sword was now behind me.

"Heda!" She shouted in shock with hands raised to show her surrender already.

I ignored her and slashed out at her side with a growl. Jes jumped back with a gasp when the point of my blade skimmed across her stomach. Her hands flew to the blood on her shirt. But it didn't make me happy like I thought it might.

A small crowd began beside the fires as I went again to hit her. She leapt around my lunge and shouted at me to stop. But in my anger I couldn't see why I should. Jes was a cause to my problems. She was a continual annoyance to me. Ridding myself of her would rid me of some of my troubles.

"Jes!" a voice shouted out through the falling snow to her.

Her head whipped up and I took the moment to leap at her. She caught the sword thrown to her and turned to catch mine on it's sheath above her head. She met the fury in my eyes and I saw hers harden desperately with her shoving me away. I stood back as she unsheathed the sword and paced myself to the left, my eyes fixed on her shifting in ready defence.

I went at her again and again she leapt back and caught my blade on her borrowed sword. They pushed on each other, our shoulders brushed and I took the brunt of her strength against my broken rib with a secret intake of breath for the pain. I had my teeth barred glaring furiously at her. She shoved me back with a low growl. I stumbled back but quickly lashed out at her again. I was not prepared to end this without more blood.

Jes pushed me away again with a look of apology when she punched me off her. I staggered back wiping the blood from my lip. I looked down to it staining my skin and felt myself become swallowed in commander fury for it. I looked up to her ready to end this. The rage of all the commanders inside me promised she would die this day.

I ran at her swinging my sword mightily with an angry cry. She caught it and twisted her blade to force mine to fall at her side. She twisted herself with it and slammed her shoulder into mine. I took a step back to catch my balance and caught hold of her shirt before she could distance herself from me to yank her forward. With her stumble forward I slashed her leg to make her stagger down and kneed her hard in the face to break her yell for it. I slammed the hilt of my blade into the back of her head after. I was panting when she hit the ground hard and I thought then that I had won this.

But Jes was too persistent to survive.

She rolled quickly from the swing aimed down at her head and kicked my sword arm and then my chest, flipping herself back to her feet when I was thrown backwards from her. I caught myself again and paced up and down growling under my breath.

The trikru warrior breathed heavily to herself and watched me carefully. She was stood opposite me now, moving on the balls of her feet in a slightly crouched position to take my next strike. She looked fierce around all the blood on her face but I could see the worry in her eyes at having to fight with her heda. She would not attack me. This I knew from her position. And there was only so much defence she could hold before she tired.

Cain's voice was direct behind me suddenly but I ignored it. I heard his footsteps coming towards me in the snow. To protect me. But I was Heda. Nobody fought for me.

 _"Stand down, Cain"_ I commanded him, eyes locked on Jes, daring her to come at me already.

Cain's footsteps stopped. He would not disobey his commander. Jes' eyes flashed begging behind me to him for help. For him to believe she wasn't attacking me. I took immense pleasure in seeing her weak like it. When he gave none to her she stood straight and threw her sword down at my feet. I growled furious.

" _Pick it up!_ " I shouted at her with a large step towards her when she refused to obey me.

I stopped in front of her and raised my sword to her throat. I told her again to pick up the sword. Again she refused.

I growled low and pulled my arm back to strike her. She would die a coward then.

 _"Jes from Trikru!_ " I growled watching fear clash with defiance in her eyes as she watched my sword swing back. I glared hatefully at her, " _Your fight is over"_

My arm swung forward to end it but I stopped suddenly at the sword point touching my own throat. I looked back enraged at my attacker. I was ready to call all my warriors on them. They would be beaten to death for this.

I felt my heart break at the look on Clarke's face as she held the sword tighter in her grip.

She didn't look mad. She just looked disappointed. She glanced worried back at Jes and then nodded at me to drop my sword. When I didn't she stepped closer, sliding the metal around to brace entirely on my throat. I froze. In my mind we were back in my room, calmly watching each other while she came up with the strength to kill me.

My warriors all rushed forward then, weapons braced ready to protect their heda. I raised my hand to stop them. This was my fight.

My heart pumped scared and confused inside me. The commander in me barked at me to attack back. Clarke was making me look weak. I had to prove I wasn't. But I could not. Not to Clarke. Not even after everything.

"Please" she whispered moving a hand off her weapon to take hold of my wrist.

I shook beneath her warm touch and let her lower my sword. Clarke's eyes never left mine. Not even when she ordered Jes to move away. It filled me with deep shame to have her look at me like that.

I turned to face her when Cain barked suddenly at everyone to leave with threat of death for the first person to speak of this. Clarke was breathing heavily in front of me. The blade trembled a little against my throat with her grip on it. It shook as if she suddenly feared my reaction to her stopping me. I wish I had one. Maybe then I would know how to behave right now.

My attention moved over her face while my warriors walked away from us. I was silently questioning her why she had hidden so much from me. Silently condemned her for all my actions this morning. My fury was her guilt. And she should know it. I watched her expression morph from worry to nothing as she quickly retreated back from caring for me. She instead lowered her sword and knelt at my feet, bowing her head to me for forgiveness.

 _Another bow from the sky._

It disgusted me enough to throw my own sword down and walk away.

* * *

 _The whip is loose in my hand. It feels heavy. As if it had been lined with lead. My fingers clench the leather grip tight to keep my hand from shaking. Her back is bare and open for my aim. I watch the muscles stand taunt beneath her skin as she waits holding her breath for the first lash. To imagine her soft skin marred with lashes makes me tremble where I stand._

 _My hand shakes more as I look around at my warriors calling out to me. Many want her freed. But its the ones who don't that force me to pull my hand back. I cannot look weak to them. They are the ones who would start a revolt against me._

 _Time slows down as my arm pulls back and I pause with my breath held. I hear only my heartbeat in those seconds. And it tells me I don't want to do this._

 _"But you must" I hear beside me._

 _I look back and recognise the figure stood on my right._

 _"Reyn" I greet the past commander respectfully. I didn't ask for her presence. I was not looking for guidance. But I was not allowed to ask her leave either. She was a commander. She had every right to be here._

 _She stayed silent and just watched me angrily. She didn't like how slow I was with this. As the commander made infamous for her snap decision tortures I didn't expect much else from her._

 _"You're hesitating" She gives me a mean look that deepens at my avoiding turn away from her, "Why?"_

 _I can't answer._

 _"Maybe she is simply savouring the moment!" another speaks up for me._

 _I hear his heavy steps move around me to stand beside Reyn. Its Thom, the last Azgedian commander. Just his presence makes me angry. It was his people who were to blame for all this. I cannot help but resent him for their wrongdoings._

 _He ignores me. His eyes are busy shining alight with amusement as he moves them past my glare to look to Clarke's frozen waiting back._

 _"You have to do it" Reyn tells me harshly. She reaches forward and touches my hand holding the whip, raising it back ready. I hear the crowd again as my hand raises._

 _It cuts off into silence once more as I yank myself free of her. She was wrong. I didn't have to do anything._

 _"Reyn is right" another new voice agreed. I freeze myself. I know her immediately._

 _I turn my head and meet the cool eyes of the commander who had come before me. I recognise the cold stern look of disapproval. I remember it from training with her as a nightblood. Fay stares straight back. I feel myself shake under her watch. As if I had wronged her as a student again._

 _I come to my senses enough then to shake my head at them all. They're wrong._

 _"To not do it proves your weakness" Fay tells me sternly against my thoughts._

 _"Weakness that could rival skaikru" Reyn adds coldly with a disgusted look towards Clarke. I shoot her one back in return._

 _"You have to prove yourself here, Leska" Thom says casting a curious look to the sky princess himself._

 _I can see him question my fondness for Clarke. I can see it plainly in all their eyes. They had told me before she made me weak. Trapped in this nightmare of a moment with them struggling to prove them otherwise, I could understand how they saw it that way. But this wasn't about me at all. This was about Clarke._

 _"It's not about proving myself!" I manage to growl back at them. They each shoot me glares for my defiance._

 _"She is right" a huskier voice calls drawing them all away from me. I frown for the new speaker. I didn't recognise them._

 _The past commanders immediately retreat back and kneel down. I alone remain standing and wait as she steps around me. I stare at her. At her dark hair and intelligent eyes. She smiles at me as if I'm her friend, or her daughter. As if she knows me. And it scares me. I haven't seen her before. It worries me why. I had seen all of the commanders. I had felt all their presences in my mind, had spoken to each of them for guidance. Why had she kept herself hidden from me? What did she have to hide?_

 _She sees my intense look for her and nods her head towards the others. They leave quickly until it is only the two of us. Its then I begin to realise maybe she's more important than I think. To command over the commanders is something only one would have the power to do._

 _"You are Becca?" I ask her timidly. To be greeted by the first commander was an honour I did not deserve. My eyes rush over her, taking her in and comparing her to what the legends had said about her. They'd made her look different in my mind. She looked nothing like I expected. She looked less grounder. More..._

 _More Skaikru, I thought frowning at her._

 _The commander doesn't answer my question. Or my observing thoughts. Instead she slowly walks towards me and lowers the whip._

 _"Your previous commanders would have you believe this was a test of strength" she began looking at me gently, "But it's not. It's a test of heart. A commander makes decisions against their heart because personal beliefs muddy the ground for their people. As a leader you do not lead with your heart" she looked around at the crowd of warriors looking up at me, "But with theirs"_

 _"So I must do this?" I question frowning for her advice. She looks back to me._

 _"You do what you think is best. For yourself. And Clarke"_

 _"She wants this" I mumble and stare at her back again, "She wants forgiveness. She nearly died today again seeking it"_

 _The commander studies me a moment before she speaks,_

 _"If this is how she decides to earn it, is it really your place to withhold it from her?"_

 _I thought for a moment and the whip grew heavier with my decision._

 _"No" I answered tightening my grip on it._

 _The commander moved around to my right side then and straightened my stance like a teacher helping her pupil. I swallowed heavily to myself when I was stood correctly and watched her eyes run over me before she looked back at my face. She cupped it in her palm and gently tilted my chin around so I was looking at Clarke again._

 _"Do not hold your breath as you raise your arm back" she instructed strongly, "Breathe slow and keep your arm fluid. It will deliver a quicker hit" I winced to myself but nodded, "It will hurt," she warned, "But less than it would if you failed to do it correctly. She will heal quicker for it"_

 _Again I nodded. I stared at my target on Clarke's back. And I shook with the weight of what I was about to do._

 _"You do well to listen to her" the commander told me suddenly. I glanced back at her in surprise. She smiled, "She is the key to peace among our people, Leska. Try not to kill her"_

 _The shouting got louder all of a sudden. I could hear Clarke breathing deeply over it. I looked back to her stood shaking against the bonds holding her to the post and noticed the other commanders had reappeared in the shouting crowd around us. All of them this time with stern looks for me to strike Clarke down. I could see in their eyes they expected me to do this._

 _I started to turn back to the commander beside me, "What if the prophe-" I stopped. She was gone._

 _I looked down at the whip instead and imagined it wet with blood. I wanted to cast it aside. But I could not._

 _Heart and not my head, I told myself as I raised my arm back. My eyes locked onto the shivers rolling down Clarke's back and I took a deep breath to ready myself._

 _Clarke wanted forgiveness._

 _I wanted hers._

 _My heart wanted to give it to both of us._

* * *

I lurched up from the ground with the nightmare and breathed heavily from it. I glanced around myself dizzied with confusion for my surroundings. It took a moment to realise I had fallen asleep during my meditating. I had been looking for a solution to all my rage. As well as answers and guidance. I was scared to know I had found it.

"Heda" Cain called half bending himself into the tent. His eyes were cast heavily on me and I knew what he had to say, _"Its time"_

I felt my heart plummet in fear as I nodded to him. I rose shakily to my feet and started to ready myself for the punishments. I had to look strong, and fierce. Like a leader in control. I could not go out there looking like the scared child I felt inside.

I pulled my hair free of its tangled braids and quickly rearranged it into my usual war style. Then I collected the war paint I had readied myself before my meditating and applied it quickly to my face. My reflection looked pale and weak back at me as I spread the black liquid across my eyes and down my cheeks. In her eyes I saw a pain so strong it had me pitying her.

 _Feelings are weakness,_ I repeated to myself as I stood and looked to my jacket. It was cold outside but I didn't want to put it on. I knew if clarke's blood ever stained it I would never again wear it. As another gift from Anya I didn't want to lose it.

Instead I pulled Anya's braid from the inner pocket and held it tight in my hand. I closed my eyes and prayed her spirit would help me through this before I tucked it safely inside my pants pocket.

I strode out of the tent into the cold after. My mind was racing with Becca's advice to me while I walked towards the pits where my people were gathered. She'd told me this wasn't about being strong for myself. But for clarke.

 _That you can do,_ my heart forced making me stand taller as I closed the distance to the fires.

Warriors were gathered in a circle around the clearing. Villagers were stood behind trying to see past them. Two great fires had been set in the middle of it all, flames high and burning angry. There was trampled snow littering the ground around them, growing thicker and smoother the further away from the fire it travelled. My eyes caught on a couple footstep trails imprinted in it and they followed them towards the post that had been buried deep into the ground. My heart pulsed scared seeing it stood waiting.

"Eko and Wanheda?" I asked Cain shifting my eyes around those of my people.

He pointed to my right and I saw the two of them being escorted over by their guards. Eko looked defiantly brave. Clarke I could see was trying to mirror that bravery. But Jes was right. Though she tried to be strong clarke looked scared.

 _She won't be able to do this,_ I whimpered to myself. I started towards her.

The commander stopped me and stomped my fear down, _She has to._

I watch her a moment. Watch her take it all in. Her eyes fixated on the post the most and I could tell she was realising just how serious this all was. I could see both her regret for deciding this and her strength in choosing to stand by it. I admired her the same time I hated her. She was scared and I couldn't help her now.

 _She made this choice,_ I told myself, swallowing down the heavy urge in me to stop everything before it was too late.

"Cain" I called.

He strode up to stand behind me and waited silent for my order. Clarke's head tilted a little in my direction when she heard my voice but still she refused to look at me. Maybe she was still angry for my treatment of Jes. Maybe she just couldn't handle looking me in the eye. I asked myself what it would take.

 _Your hand holding the whip first,_ My heart throbbed in hate to me. It shook me a little but I forced myself to give cain my nod.

He walked out in front of me and moved towards clarke. Her eyes switched startled to him a moment, fearing his quick walk towards her. I felt myself move toward her again and immediately told myself to take control of myself. Before my people saw.

Cain ignored clarke in favour of grabbing eko tight by the arm. She cried out and struggled as Cain hauled her off to one side but my eyes were locked entirely on clarke. She'd watched eko being ripped from her side. She'd wanted to shout at cain to stop. But she knew the rules. She knew there was nothing she could do to stop this now.

Cain pulled Eko to where her king stood waiting beside one of the fires. There she was kicked to her knees and dragged to the pit by the back of her shirt to be thrown to her king's feet. Cain nodded to his men there and walked away as they grabbed her.

Roan watched on in silence though I could tell he struggled to stay calm. I could see it in his eyes when he looked back at cain's retreat back to me. He wanted to kill the warrior. And when they peered over cains shoulder to me I felt his hatred for me burn a little brighter. He wanted to kill me too.

 _He should be happy punishment is all she gets,_ I growled to myself in reply to his glare.

I gave Roan the same look back and nodded for him to get on with it already. His expression flickered between calm and rage before he knelt beside his cousin at the fireside. He went to pull his knife out and eko flinched away from him. I couldn't hear his words of comfort for her but I knew they were not welcomed.

"Jes!" I called and nodded to roan when the warrior looked back at me.

She gave me a cold look in return and reluctantly limped her way from clarke's side and through the crowd to the king. There she handed him a knife. Eko's knife.

Roan looked down at it in his hands and then stared up at me in disbelief. I had to hide my smile.

 _"People!_ " I shouted out stepping in view for them all to hear me. I looked around at them all, eyes sticking a little on clarke again, before I looked down at Eko staring at her own knife in her kings hand, " _Today we are gathered to watch justice be handed to one who would wrong us all. Eko of Azgeda,"_

I turned and walked to her. She refused to look up at me and it angered me. I nodded to the warriors holding her down. Her head was yanked back so she had to look at me,

" _Today fire will purge your of your crimes. If the gods are willing you may live past your punishment and earn our forgiveness_ "

Her eyes hardened back at me, almost in threat. I stared straight back and asked if she had anything to say. She glowered at me, looking as if she had plenty to say to me. But a nudge from Roan had her moving her eyes past me. She locked them on someone in the crowd and bowed her head to them. I just knew it was clarke.

I ignored the urge in me to look back too and spoke down to roan instead,

"Begin"

I moved away to my original spot on the sidelines and watched as roan began the cruel task of punishing his kin. My people watched on with me eagerly as he dropped the knife into the flames at his side. I could already smell it burning hot.

"Do you enjoy this?" I heard beside me after a few seconds.

Her presence beside me again made me feel lighter somehow. It made me want to turn to her and give her a smile. But then I remembered why we were here. And what she was asking of me. It filled me with a dead cold inside.

I crossed my arms and ignored her.

Clarke looked away from me and over at roan. I could feel her confusion when he turned to dip the heated knife into a jar held out to him by one of my warriors. I could understand. She expected blades of fire to mean actual fire.

"Whats he doing?" she asked in a scared voice. I was tempted to tell her. But I couldn't. She deserved to be scared but I couldn't stand being the one to cause it.

I peered down at her. At her blue eyes flashing worry across the post to Eko. It confused me. Eko had killed her people. Why should she worry what suffering came of this?

 _Because to clarke all life is precious_ , my heart reminded me, _Needless suffering hurts her. Even from her enemies._

I stared down at her. I wondered a moment if thinking that way made her stronger than me. To take life took strength. To preserve it took more.

 _Maybe thats why Becca wants Clarke to survive_ , I thought peering down at the mysterious beauty beside me.

"He is preparing the knife" I finally answered turning to watch the proceedings again. I saw her turn her head to me.

"I thought fourty-eight blades of fire meant actual fire?" she questioned in a frowning voice. I smiled slightly. I liked it when she proved me right.

"Why give her a punishment that would be over quickly?" I questioned back coldly, "Eko brought us to the brink of war. A crime this serious warrants a serious punishment"

I felt her stare at me and it made me feel nervous. I didn't like her being upset with me.

"Whats on the knife, Lexa?" She demanded pointing towards where roan raising it up ready. He looked back to me, waiting for my order. I held off a moment. I wanted to see him suffer too. I watched as the king grew more and more uneasy in his wait.

 _Was he this uneasy when he tortured Costia?_ I thought angrily to myself. I doubted it.

I buried my anger and gave him the order to start.

A chant went up in the crowd of onlookers around him. It was slow at first but grew with his hesitance to begin punishment. I glared at him to do it and watched on pleased with him when he finally gripped his cousin's arm and drew the blade slowly across it. Eko's arm tensed under the blade going into it but she kept her pain to herself and watched herself bleed. I waited a moment in silent anger for her bravery. And then it happened.

"Lexa!" Clarke's voice cried frustration as she pulled me around to face her. She looked desperate and angry as Eko's screams suddenly filled the air around us. I could understand why. A simple cut didn't make you hurt like that. Not after it had been made. Clarke's mind would be racing with theories on what exactly was happening to the ice warrior.

"What is on the knife?!" she growled at me in demand. It sent a flash of heat up my back. I would not be spoken to like that.

I pulled her off me and nodded one of my warriors to take her. She struggled against them but soon stopped when I stepped closer. Her eyes filled in fear as I looked down at her. I felt my own harden in hate for the commander when she spoke to clarke for me. She wanted Clarke scared. She wanted Clarke to pay for her betrayals. She wanted Clarke to answer for the rage I had felt before. She wanted Clarke to pay.

" _You will learn soon enough what is on the knife, Clarke from Skaikru. And yes_ , _I will enjoy it"_ I locked her eyes in a dead stare and leant close to whisper spitefully in her ear, "Even if it breaks me"

I nodded to the warrior holding her and turned away from Clarke as she was pushed out into the middle of the clearing too. I had wanted her to watch Eko's punishment first. But now I knew I could not hear more of her questions while it happened. I wanted this through with.

" _Clarke from Skaikru,_ " I loudly called out walking after them.

The crowd went silent and all heads turned towards us. For a moment the only sounds in the post were Eko's screams while Roan drew more blood from her. I paced around the largest fire and met Clarke's eyes through it. She pulled her arm free of her guard and gave me a defiant look back.

 _Relentless_ , I sighed silently admiring her bravery.

" _Wanheda._ _You called judgement upon yourself for your actions against us during your time on Earth. Forgiveness for your crimes will be hard earned"_

I shot her a serious look but she remained impassive, as if my words didn't affect her. The crowd around us whispered amongst themselves, some calling out to hear the punishment. I drew a deep breath and walked around the fire to her.

With each step I listed off her punishments, _"Twelve lashes. Two brands. Eleven blades of fire"_ I stopped directly in front of her then and stared down at her, questioning where she was drawing all this strength from. To look so defiant was to make me look weak. And she knew that. So I drew myself stronger too.

Clarke lifted her chin to the crowd's talking and met my eyes with a look to tell me to continue. I swallowed and did as she bade.

 _"Pain is temporary"_ I told her quietly and then raised my voice, " _May the gods pity you, Wanheda_ " The crowd spoke up then, cheering her punishment. I looked around at them in regret. How could they find enjoyment in this? I turned my head back and finished the speech, "Is there anything you'd like to say before you are given to the gods' mercy?"

She stood taller and gave me a gentle look, _"Be strong"_

My heart froze with her words. Gustus' voice filled my mind suddenly. I remembered him giving me the exact look clarke was giving right now. Right before I killed him. I felt myself begin to shake from the fear in me for having to do this again and forced it down.

I nodded to her. And silently I told her the same.

Clarke's guard walked her across the clearing towards the post. Jes met them there and shoved the warrior back when he started to yank at Clarke's jacket. I watched on silent while she gently took over with a few words whispered in clarke's ear as she took the jacket from her. The sky princess nodded back at the warrior, smiling bravely again.

Jes looked up with a hand on clarke's back after. Her cold eyes met mine and she shot me a look to ask if she should remove the shirt too. I nodded. I could not give Clarke an easy whipping. She would bear this as any of my warriors would.

My attention was called from jes helping clarke remove her shirt to eko screaming extra loud all of a sudden. I looked over to her and studied the king's progress. Roan had cut both her arms all the way down them to the wrist. Symmetrically too so that they would scar in design, as was their way. But I didn't want Eko to live with a pretty reminder of what she'd done. I wanted her to see her scars and feel regret for them.

I ignored cain speaking quietly to me about the irons being prepared for clarke's brands and walked to roan. He was talking quietly to his cousin, trying to calm her while she screamed louder and rocked about. He nodded to a couple of his warriors and sat back as they came and pinned her writhing body to the ground so he could continue.

I counted the cuts when I stopped beside them. Eighteen. And already she was in painful torment. It made me happy. She would be in complete agony come the thirtieth.

My eyes traced the sweat on echo's face. She was shivering but not from the cold. The poison from the blade would be in her bloodstream now, sending her pain all across her body. With every new cut a little more fuel was added to the fire inside her. I'd been told the feeling was similar to standing inside a fire pit. You felt as if your skin were covered in flames. And the hallucinations only added to the torment. I looked down at eko's rolling eyes and wondered what she was seeing.

 _"Cut her deeper"_ I ordered Roan while I watched his cousin twist against the hands holding her down. He shot me a disgusted look.

" _Any deeper and it will kill her_ " he growled pinning his cousins arm down so he could draw the blade across her collarbone. I tipped my head to assess the wound. It was too precise. Too careful. It would heal and I didn't want that. I wanted eko to scar for this betrayal.

 _"You'll cut her deeper or you will join her_ " I threatened him.

Roan ignored me and continued to place another light cut across eko's shoulder. It barely drew any blood. I felt my patience slip for it. I snatched the blade from his hand and knelt quickly, stabbing the knife into eko's leg with my move down.

Her body shocked upwards against the knife, driving it deeper, and she screamed loudly for the pain. I looked back at roan with a smile as I slowly released the knife from eko's body.

"Nineteen down, Eko" I told her patting her leg. She flinched beneath my touch and that made my smile widen, "But if Roan fails to submit to me, I'm afraid the next time it will go even deeper"

 _"Death is waiting for you too!"_ she snarled panting in her native language.

My eyes shot down to her and I questioned whether to let her have her thought before I impulsively drove the knife back into her leg. I had no guilt when her body rocked and shook on the ground beside me. Or when Roan's glare found my attention. I felt nothing. Like a commander should.

"Twenty" I said twisting the knife so she screamed louder, " _I speak Azgedian too"_ I whispered to her before I stood back to let roan continue.

Clarke was staring at me when I turned to walk back to her. She'd seen everything and was silently questioning how I could be so cruel. I gave no reply. Just walked to stand in position in front of her. And I think my cold silence gave her her answer.

Clarke's eyes continued to stay on mine as cain strode up beside me. I stared back, giving her her disgusted look back as I wiped my hand clean of Eko's blood onto cain's coat. She only looked away when Jes touched her shoulder.

 _"Now she fears you"_ Cain told me in a low voice. I nodded, tired eyes set entirely on Clarke.

 _Now she fears me,_ I thought shamed to myself.

"You have the option to be tied to the post," Jes was telling her as she continued to help clarke take her shirt off. Watching it made my blood boil. I didn't like seeing Jes' hands on Clarke's skin, "The straps hurt but it will stop you falling" she explained gently.

Clarke looked back at me, asking what she should do. I sent her a look to say she should be tied. I didn't want to watch her collapse from this.

She stood back from jes then and pulled her shirt off, leaving herself shaking in the cold in her strange chest covering and pants. In another situation I would have enjoyed seeing her like it. But I couldn't. Seeing clarke ready for my abuse made me sick.

She handed jes the shirt and whispered to her. The warrior nodded and strode away. I eyed her limp towards the others and shot clarke a questioning look. She answered with her turn to the face the post. She would not be tied.

 _Be strong_ , I told myself as I took the whip off cain.

I looked up at the clouds above me while he moved back. I begged for strength in this. I knew I needed it. I turned to position myself correctly as Becca had shown me in my dream. I would not fail at this. I felt the ghost of her hands pushing my body into the correct stance and then the gentle stroke of her fingers tipping my head back to face clarke.

My eyes drew all over her back as she raised her arms to hug the post. They latched onto the already bleeding skin around her left shoulder. It stunned me how the wound was still open. As if she hadn't healed at all. Why had she let them get that way?

 _Punishment for clarke began a long time ago_ , I realised as I shook the whip straight.

Suddenly all eyes were on me. Even Eko had lowered her shouts down to shaking whimpers behind us. This was the moment everybody had been waiting for. The moment their heda proved she felt nothing for her pet ambassador. It sent a bolt of fear down my back as I pulled the whip back over my shoulder. I stared at clarke's back, making myself a target for each lash I would give her and noting to avoid her shoulder as best I could.

Chanting began again on my study of her. The crowd was calling both our names in quiet barks while they stomped their feet. I caught clarke shake for it and it made me angry enough to force myself into starting this.

 _Heart and not my head..._ I looked up at her tucking her head into her arm and told her, _I'm sorry._

I threw my arm forward and flicked my wrist. I felt the sting of the whip myself as it flayed against the small of her back with a loud crack. She jumped and breathed sharply and held the post tight in her arms. Her back bled and I saw it tremble from the pain but she didn't make a sound. It stunned me. And my people. They stared at her with me, all of us surprised and amazed by her.

I drew the whip back and took a deep breath before I sent another lash across her good shoulder, and then her hip.

With every lash Clarke remained still and silent.

* * *

My arm ached from the continual motion of my whipping her. My ribs were stinging from the exercise. I'd sped up the lashes to get it over with, hoping it would save her further hurt. Secretly I was losing the strength to carry on.

I watched on as my latest lash cut a deep cut diagonally across the length of her back. The blood ran fast, mixing in with the heavy sweat that had formed on her shaking skin, dripping off her stained pants to the snow at her feet.

I pulled the whip back after the lash and nodded to niylah to check Clarke over. It had started to snow around us and I was concerned for her body shaking the way it did. Jes went with the healer to help get clarke off the post. I heard her whimper as Jes coaxed her arms away from the wooden beam and I turned from them when the trader caught Clarke's weak fall down. I couldn't look at her.

"Cain" I called hoarsely.

He walked over and I asked how many cuts eko was on. Her screaming had gradually died during clarke's whipping. He told me she had three left. I told him to stop roan.

"Heda?" He questioned confused, as if he believed I was letting eko off without her full punishment.

"The last three belong to Clarke" I told him and raised the whip in my hand. It was wet with her blood. It disgusted me to hold it. I raised it higher and ran the length of leather between my thumb and finger to wipe the blood off. I shook my hand out after and watched it splatter the snow at my feet. I stared down at it.

"She chose punishment for eko. She will deal in it too" I said emotionless as I turned back to face the sky princess where she sat with Jes and Monroh.

Cain agreed and walked to stop roan. I listened to him go with a heavy heart as I watched Clarke's hand squeeze Monroh's tight while Niylah and Jes moved behind her cleaning her back. I closed my eyes to save myself looking at her. Clarke looked so pale and in so much pain.

 _Pain strengthens us_ , Becca's voice whispered between my punishing thoughts suddenly. She continued to whisper to me short words of comfort while I waited. I gained little help from it but I was grateful to the first commander nonetheless.

I heard Cain speaking with Roan behind me but I ignored their voices and opened my eyes to watch Niylah's cautious walk towards me. I gave her a look to tell me when she slowly approached. She kept her distance as she gave me her report on clarke's health.

"I have cleansed and put snow against the wounds. Luckily she has not lost too much blood. Heda's aim is well directed" I remained silent and Niylah continued, "She will be able to take the last four lashes"

I nodded and moved around her. She spoke up quickly as I passed,

"Do not aim for her shoulders" she told me lowly over the crowd's renewed chanting as Clarke was guided back to her feet, "Let the last four hit the centre or small of her back" I looked back at her and she bowed her head, "If you wish for her not to be scarred, heda"

I nodded for her advice though I didn't appreciate being told what to do. She moved away and I took up stance again.

Clarke was being escorted back to the post for the last of her lashes. Jes was giving her gentle words of encouragement. I watched as the warrior pulled clarke arms from around her neck and wrapped them again around the post. She asked again if clarke wanted to be tied but wanheda refused. She would take this standing. I felt myself swell with the same admiration and respect I saw fill jes' eyes.

My warrior crept around behind Clarke and carefully touched her hips to get her to stand correctly. She carried on whispering to the sky princess and I tried hard not to see it as an intimate thing. Whether they were words of advice or comfort, I didn't know. I could only watch on as her hands touched clarke and her lips gave her a safety I could not.

She was moving away when clarke lifted her head to tell her something. She moved close again and bent her head to receive clarke's words. Jes was frowning for them. I paced a couple steps to control my emotion for it. What was clarke telling her?

Jes nodded and moved as quickly as her limp would allow to come speak with me. Her eyes were filled with cold when they locked on me. It made my grip on the whip tighten. To cut her down for her insolence would be a pleasure right now.

"What does she say?" I asked eyes locking again onto the bleeding wounds on clarke's back. It made me disgusted to see what I had done to her. Jes stared back at me.

"She says ' _Be_ _strong',_ Heda"

I stared at her then back at clarke. She was in so much pain from my hand and still she worried for my strength in this? It pained me to know she was thinking of others still. Especially me. I didn't deserve her worry or her care. I deserved her pain and her rage. I deserved to be the one against that post. For everything I did to her. For everything I continued to do to her.

I left jes and walked up to clarke. I heard her whimpering softly to herself and watched as she flinched at my approach. I bowed my head with my guilt.

"Let me stop this" I begged her. I could not carry on. I could no longer pretend.

This was breaking me.

Clarke lifted her face back to me with a shuddering breath when it pained her. I saw the tears rolling down her cheeks and it made my heart squeeze in hurt for her. She gave me a gentle look and pressed her temple to the post. She looked so tired and still she had that fire in her eyes.

"You stop when its over" she told me strongly. I saw then that she was determined to do this. Even if it killed her. She was desperate to be forgiven.

 _Is it really your place to withhold it from her?_

I wanted it to be.

Clarke gave me a brave smile and nodded for me to carry on. I wanted to say no. I wanted to take hold of her and protect her from everything. Even to stroke her cheek right now would relieve some of the pain in me. Instead I told myself to do as I was told. My people demanded justice. Clarke demanded forgiveness. I was the deliverer of both.

" _Be strong"_ I whispered to her.

She nodded and drew a deep breath. I walked away from her back to my position behind her. Clarke pressed her head to the post and I saw it tilt in a bow. I imagined all the sorts of prayers she might be whispering under her breath right now.

 _Be strong,_ I told myself and let myself fall into the commander. I knew she would finish this for me.

My people's chants grew to build up again for the whip to strike but I didn't give them time. I wanted her suffering to stop.

Clarke cried out at the four lashes quickly dealt to her back one after the other. The last was the harshest and it made her squeeze the post and scream. I closed my eyes to it and listened as she collapsed to the ground. I heard someone rush to her side and then listened as Niylah ordered Jes to lift clarke up. Staggered footsteps made their way around me as they carried her to niylah's tent for treatment. Silence followed and I could feel my people watching me.

 _"Justice to the clans is dealt!"_ My voice called out angrily as I turned in circle to them all. Their eyes all locked respecting on me while I turned back to the post, " _Soon Wanheda will answer her other crimes"_

I looked to my guard behind me and he nodded. Cain understood. He yelled at our people to leave. We would continue in the next couple of hours. My breath shook in the air above me as I waited for them to go. A couple of hours wouldn't be enough to ready myself for Clarke's next torment. No amount of time would.

"Come, Heda" Cain whispered gently to me as my warriors left, "You are tired. Clarke will be fine under Niylah's care"

I shook my head at him and shoved him away. I didn't need his help or his comfort. I was heda. I needed nobody.

I ordered him to follow the others. The second I knew I was alone I dropped the whip to the ground. I felt weak and was trembling a little. It felt as if I would collapse at any moment.

I looked and stared at the blood staining the snow around the post.

 _Blood has fallen to the sky's bow,_ my mind whispered bitterly.

 _What will come next?_ I questioned back.


	19. Chapter 19

**_Its the same excuse as last week guys. I didn't really intend for this bit of the story to drag this long so I'm kinda struggling to write but meh, I'll edit. But in brighter news, g_** ** _uess who just bought The 100 boxset. I am one happy bunny right now :)_**

 ** _So e_** **veryone remember how I wrote Lexa's fight with Roan? Well I hope you kept your map for that chapter because I'm doing it again and you may get lost! Warning! Its much faster than Lexa's one!**

 ** _Reviews for you:_**

 _ **Kass84: We went a little dark there. I won't deny that. But as they say, every cloud.**_

 _ **SkaiPrisa23: Intense is how I do sometimes. But remember, that was only part 1 of Clarke's punishment..**_

 _ **Random Guest: Ta! :)**_

 _ **Sailor Sayuri: Its taken me a while but I've just noticed your profile image is Snarry and that is just awesome. Clarke is badass! In every way possible. She kinda has to be to take on Lexa, no? ^^**_

 _ **Jedi Caro: I'm sorry for scaring you! Clexa as a whole broke a little there but hopefully things will get better.**_

 _ **Life-is-rolling-keep-on-going: Someone sounds excited! I'm sure Lexa will no doubt surprise us. Thanks for the review!**_

 _ **mb168: I'm glad you weren't holding your breath. I can't have lawsuits on my ass for killing fans now :P But why the Jes hate?! D:**_

 _ **Guest Sophie: That was a big review! And a kickass question! I wish I had enough space here to explain! Get a fanfic account so I can tell you! :) I will say this though. Clarke won't be like this forever. This punishment will change her. But for good or bad... We'll have to wait to find out.**_

 _ **Guest Iri: Call Lexa what you will. Its your opinion after all.**_

 **Play it; Youth by Daughter.**

* * *

 ** _Be strong..._**

* * *

 **Clarke.**

 _"You know you're problem?"_

 _I rolled my tired eyes up away from my young sick patient sleeping soundly on the hospital bed to my moms smile above me. She'd told me hours ago to home and rest but stubbornly I'd stayed on the ward to watch over Cara_ _. Now mom was stood looking down at me half asleep beside the other girl with the warmest look for me._

 _"Hmm?" I mumbled rubbing sleep from my eyes as I sat up straight, "Whats that?"_

 _Mom reached down and stroked my hair away from my cheek, moving her eyes over me proudly, "You care too much"_

 _I rolled my eyes again and patted her wrist,_

 _"You make it sound like a bad thing" I mumbled going back to my study of cara's charts. My mom was still looking down at me as I frowned at the numbers. Cara wasn't getting better and I didn't understand why._

 _I looked up after a couple seconds and caught my moms eyes locked worried on me. I smiled at her._

 _"What?"_

 _"It's nothing" she told me quickly, "Just.. Clarke, I worry about your compassion sometimes is all. I'm scared that.. One day.."_

 _I smiled at her. What was she worried about? Nothing could happen to me up here._

 _"What's going to happen to me here?" I breezed standing to hug her worry away, "We could all use a little care on the ark" I mumbled her own words into her shoulder with a tired smile at her replying quiet laugh._

 _My moms arms wrapped around me and she held me tightly a moment, like it was the last embrace we'd share._

 _"You're right" I heard her tell me in a heavy sigh, "Up here there's nothing to worry about"_

* * *

I swallowed my heartbeat and forced my expression to stay clean. I was pretty scared right now. I'd had all night and then most of the morning to think about what pain I was about to go through. I kept telling myself it would be nothing compared to the pain of being reminded constantly of what I'd done to deserve it.

 _I'm not scared,_ I whispered to myself over and over again as I looked around at the clearing's new set up, _I'm not scared._

My eyes ran past warriors talking in clusters by the fires. Past the trampled snow covering the ground. Past Niylah lifting a box of bandages up into her arms. They moved straight to the post that had been made just for me. But I couldn't stare at it like I was tempted to. Not without thinking about how soon I would be tied to it.

I stared down at the snow melting beneath my knees instead.

 _Im not scared... Im not scared... Im not_ -

"This will not change things" Echo said suddenly in a distracted voice.

I looked up. She'd been silent beside me for the last half hour. Just ignoring my existence to instead watch her people carry out their tasks setting up the area. Hearing her speak suddenly made me jump a little.

I heard her shift against her bonds. The snow beneath her crunched as she was wriggled herself around to face me. I turned my head and reached her eyes set seriously on me. I frowned for her to explain.

"You may go through fire and the whip today. But tomorrow? It will be the same. _Our crimes never leave us._ We just gain scars to honour them"

I shook my head at her, "It's different for me"

I turned myself away then. I was done talking about it.

"Different because you want to hurt?" She questioned smiling wickedly when I looked back to her. She nodded, "I understand. You believe to punish yourself would raise you to your victims' levels. But that is what it means to be weak"

"Clearly we have different understandings of what makes someone weak" I shot back. She laughed in reply.

" _You skaikru. You're all so soft from your emotions"_

I felt myself glare down at the snow. I told myself to not let her get to me but I was too tired to hold all my anger back. Echo saw that and continued her little speech, more serious now she knew I was listening.

 _"A warrior doesn't have emotion_ " she said sternly, " _A warrior doesn't feel"_

"Then I guess it wasn't a warrior on their knees shaking in front of the commander last night" I mumbled looking up in time to catch echo's smile slide straight off her face.

She fixed me a murdering look and tilted her face away from me in disgust. I smiled to myself. I was happy I got this one.

 _Careful who you push_ , my mind warned. Pissing Echo off wasn't smart. I knew that.

Still, she deserved it.

"Your feelings got you into this mess" Echo told me in an angry bark. She looked back to me, "They got you into an alliance with Trikru. They got you betrayed by Lexa. Your feelings is what had you killing all those innocent people-"

"Shut up!" I snarled at her to stop. I didn't want to hear any more.

She ignored me.

"381 men, women, and children. Dead"

Her harsh eyes gleamed brightly with her enjoyment for my obvious torment. I felt my guilt scratch at my anger under it. It overrode my mind telling me to stay calm and spiked my temper furiously higher. Echo took in my clenched fists at my sides and smirked. She knew how close I was to losing my control. And still she decided to continue pushing me.

"And then you returned to Lexa" she added in mocking shock with a sick grin, "I bet that was a happy reunion. Tell me something, Mountain Slayer. Was it duty to your people or your feelings for the commander that stopped you slitting her throat with that knife?"

 _Clarke!_

My hand had raised ready to hit her. With the anger filling me up inside I knew it wouldn't stop at one punch. I would kill her. Because she deserved it. And I wanted to.

I froze and stopped myself. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.

Echo watched confused and angry when I set my hand down again. Clearly she'd wanted me to attack her. But I knew it wasn't from some fucked up desire to have me deal her her original punishment of death. She wanted me to prove to her I was just like her.

But I wouldn't play into her games like that.

"I'm not like you" I told her, sitting myself back calmly. Echo looked at me in disgust.

"Weak!" she spat

"I'm not weak because I choose to feel!" I snapped back at her, looking to Jes and willing her to come over already. I didn't know how much more of Echo's taunting I could tale before I did something stupid. The warrior was locked in conversation with Monroe though. She didn't notice us talking. If she did I'm pretty sure Echo wouldn't be sounding so confident right now.

 _Pretty sure she wouldn't be able to talk_ , I added in thought looking to the ground again.

Echo was quiet for a while but I could feel her looking at me. Studying me carefully like I was some strange thing she couldn't understand. She moved again and nudged her boot against mine. I drew a calming breath while I looked back at her.

"To feel is to be weak" she told me sternly, "If you want to continue surviving you must learn that"

My eyes fell away from her then. They moved back over my left shoulder towards Lexa's tent. I remembered having the same conversation with her as we burned Finn's body. I remembered taking the same advice and using it to cope with his death. And then again after the mountain. The problem was ignoring it didn't make the pain go away. It just made it worse.

It made you like Lexa.

"Maybe life is about more than just surviving" I mumbled while my thoughts hazed back to that day in the tent again. It calmed me down from my fear feeling the ghost of lexa's body touching mine. It soothed the pain in me.

 _You're not a monster,_ I heard her voice tell me as I tipped my eyes away from her tent with my fresh wave of guilt.

I closed my eyes. I wished Lexa could be right. But she wasn't.

Echo questioned what I meant. I just shook my head at her. I didn't want to explain it.

"Clarke"

I glanced over my shoulder. Monroe and Jes were standing beside me between me and Echo with heavy eyes. I realised why from their pale expressions.

It was time.

I looked down again with a deep breath and told myself again I wasn't scared. But glancing back at echo I knew I looked it right now.

"Can I say right now," Monroe started breaking our stares for each other by holding a hand down to help me up. She pulled me easily to my feet and squeezed my hand gently, "You are one kick ass sky princess"

I laughed with a wide smile back to her. On the ground by my side I heard echo scoff something in Azgedian.

Monroe grinned back at me but her smile fell quick enough, "Clarke.."

She looked at me but didn't continue. Just let out a deep breath and stared at the ground. I squeezed her shoulder and gave her a warm smile when she glanced up at me. I understood.

"It'll be fine" I promised her with a reassuring look for her glance back at me so she would believe me, "Hey, when this is over I'll have a go at kicking your ass. See how that training's coming along"

She smiled but I could tell it was strained.

"You can try" she teased half heartedly but her eyes kept their scared hue. I smiled back and looked up to the warrior stood beside her.

Jes was giving her second a disapproving look. I couldn't tell if it was for monroe's comment on fighting me or her open display of emotion. She knocked her arm against the younger girl's back and told her to go stand with the others. She looked at me nervous. I nodded at her to go. I'd be fine.

Monroe took a couple steps forward but stopped to turn and push her arms around me. The surprise hug startled me but I was quick to return it.

My heart squeezed saying goodbye to her. In a way it was like saying goodbye to everybody else from the ark. It surprised me the tears coming to my eyes suddenly for it. I tried not to choke so bad words that I wanted to say to her. For the others. For my mom. Though there was still a big chance I'd survive this it wasn't entirely guaranteed. We both knew that. But I had to pretend to believe I would survive. Even though I was too scared to let myself believe it for real.

Monroe let go after a couple more seconds and rushed away. But not before I saw her cheeks wet with tears. It made me feel terrible. I could never stop hurting people. Especially my own.

"She cares for you" Jes told me, voice layered sadly in surprise. I fixed my expression back to blank and turned to her.

I nodded.

"I care about her" I replied turning again to watch Monroe slip into the crowd forming by the fires. I bowed my head a little, turning it towards Jes to speak quietly with her.

My voice was cracked when I asked her, "You'll watch out for her? If.. You know.."

I couldn't finish but I felt I didn't need to. She'd understand.

Jes stepped close to stand beside me. I felt her looking at me but forced myself to keep staring ahead. I couldn't stand seeing more pain in my friends' eyes.

"I will" She promised me strongly. I nodded my thanks. "I care about you also, Clarke" I heard her tell me earnestly.

Her hand brushing against mine made me look back at her. Her eyes were brown again. And they stormed with stress. She was seriously worried. And I didn't want her to be. So I took her hand in mine with a smile when she looked down in surprise. Clearly she wasn't used to being comforted.

"It will be fine" I told her, squeezing her fingers gently in mine.

Behind us Cain shouted the warrior's name. Jes looked over her shoulder at him and took her hand back quickly as if touching me hurt her. I stepped back when she abruptly left my side without word to briskly limp towards Cain. Was she feeling self conscious for feeling, or had cain watching made her nervous for some reason? I didn't know.

I let out the breath of panic I'd been hiding under the goodbyes. This was getting way too real way too fast. I didn't think I could stay strong for them. Not when I felt this scared.

 _Breathe, Clarke._

"I think I have realised your problem, Skaiprisa"

I slid my eyes down to echo's and waited for it. She stared back at me,

"You care too much"

I laughed at her and she glared at me as if I'd insulted her. I shook my head at her, still laughing. I realised now the irony of it all.

"Caring too much got me sent down here" I told her still smiling. I looked up to the sky with an amused sigh, "Now it's going to get me sent back there"

Echo looked up too at the clouds above us. It was starting to snow again as our eyes chased the streaks of clouds towards the sun. The white flakes fell softly and silently to the earth, as if nothing could break their peace. I envied it a little.

 _At least it's a good day to die,_ I thought bitterly to myself.

My heart squeezed telling me to think straight already. I ignored it. What was the point?

"Wanheda"

I turned my head and found Jes and another warrior coming towards me. My eyes drifted past them to watch cain slowly walk to Lexa's tent. He positioned himself outside it with a stern look in my direction. It made me look immediately away to the warriors approaching me.

They stopped silent beside us. Jes strode up to gently take my arm and started walking me towards the fires. I looked back at echo being cut free and yanked carelessly to her feet after us by her new guard. I swallowed for my sudden fear and let Jes guide me through the first line of warriors to stand at the front of them. When I looked around at the people surrounding the clearing I found eyes avoiding mine. As if they didn't want to watch this.

 _They care for their saviour,_ my heart told me as I caught face after face move from me. Guilty almost. As if they and not me had chosen this.

I ignored my heart's whispers to glare at the flames in front of me.

 _I'm no saviour,_ I told it harshly, _I am death._

I turned my attention away from the grounders and looked back to where Lexa was now stood talking to Cain. I ran my eyes all over her. I hadn't seen her since her fight with Jes this morning. She'd walked away the second I'd knelt to her. I'd tried to follow to explain myself but Cain had stopped me and walked me back to my tent. I'd worried all day for her. And seeing her now I knew I'd been right to worry.

She looked stressed and tense. Her eyes shone tired behind the war pain and took in the clearing with obvious pain stirring inside them. I could tell she'd spent the last five hours thinking about it. I could tell she'd analysed every possible way out of this for me. And then fought herself against them all. Because being commander came first. Always.

 _She looks exhausted_ , I thought trying to ignore the hurt in my chest for Lexa's obvious torment for this. It made me feel bad. Made me regret choosing this for myself.

I turned my head back when I saw Lexa's move to look at me. I couldn't look her in the eye.

"Stay brave, Skaiprisa" Echo whispered beside me when she saw me shaking, "We may yet keep our fight going"

I nodded to her, grateful for her reassurance despite being a little paranoid for it. I watched her tip her head back and stand tall in a defiant stand of bravery. Her lack of fear impressed me. I made myself stand just as tall.

* * *

 _"Dad!"_

 _I shoved at the guards stopping me enter the room and they pushed me back with aggressive eyes to warn me away. Wells leapt in when their hands grabbed at me to arrest me. He punched one off me and then another, forcing his body between them and me._

 _Wells' dad told them to let us in when the guards went for their tasers. His words were too soft giving me permission to say goodbye to my father. Like he hated doing this. I knew he didn't._

 _"Clarke!" I rushed into the room and my mom left dad to come to me. She took hold of my wrist and gave me a look to say she was about to have me sent out. She didn't want me here._

 _"You shouldn't be here, honey" My dads voice was a little strangled. His eyes were desperate on me, begging me to go._

 _"_ _You don't want to see this" Mom told me pulling on my arm. I yanked her off. I didn't care._

 _I left my mom and ran at dad. He caught me and lifted me up in his arms, cradling me against him. I hid inside them, holding him tightly so he wouldn't leave me._ _I started crying. I couldn't believe this was happening._

 _"It's ok" he whispered, holding me tighter against him. He tried to sound strong but I could feel his chest breaking with his own silent crying. I felt his tears hit my shoulder. Feeling him break against me made my entire being collapse._

 _"It's ok" he repeated as he stroked the back of my neck like he used to when I had nightmares. But he had to know he couldn't stop this one._

 _My dad gently set me back on my feet and looked down at me proudly. My mom came up behind me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. Dad moved his wet eyes from my face to hers a second and took hold of my hand to hold._

 _"Here" He pulled his watch off his wrist and put it around mine, "Keep that for me"_

 _"Jake," My head snapped back to Jaha's sad eyes behind my dad, "It's time"_

 _I panicked. My heart pounded. I felt like I would be sick. I wanted this to stop. I wanted it to be me. My dad nodded at jaha and gave me that smile he saved for when I did something he was extremely proud of. He bent down pulling me and my mom into a tight hug. He quickly pulled himself away with pained eyes staring solely at me._

 _"I love you, kid" He told me._

 _I nodded._

 _"I love you"_

 _It took the five seconds for my dad to walk into the lock chamber to realise I would never again tell him that. I'd never see him smiling at me the way he was now. I'd never feel his arms hold me in comfort, or hear his voice tell me he loved me. I wanted to look away. I wanted to remember my dad's last moments full of his loving smile for me. But I couldn't look away. I couldn't let him die knowing I wasn't brave enough to be strong for him._

 _Jaha gave the order and I heard the button pressed. My breath held seeing the doors behind my dad slide open and it gushed out in a choked cry when he was pulled backwards out of the chamber into the dark outside the lock._

 _He's gone, I whimpered to myself, Dad's gone._

 _I stumbled back with my shock and my mom caught me._

 _She held me tight as I collapsed to my knees crying into her. I couldn't stop apologising to her. I couldn't stop saying I was sorry._

 _"Sweetheart, it's not your fault!" she told me crying herself as she held me tight. She wouldn't let me think otherwise. Because protecting me was her sole responsibility now._

 _Now dad was gone._

 _I shook against her words of comfort and made myself look up to Well's shocked face. He had been staring down at me in deep concern but the second my eyes found his he looked away. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to confront him. I wanted to hear him confess to all of it. But all I could do was keep apologising while mom kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I never believed her._

 _Because it was my fault._

 _Entirely._

* * *

 _"People!"_

Lexa's voice boomed through my thoughts of my dad and made me look up to her walking out into the clearing after Cain and echo. She turned and met my eyes briefly before she addressed the crowd. Shivers ran down my back listening to her speak.

 _"Echo from Azgeda"_ she called striding over to stand in front of echo.

Echo refused to look up at her commander and it pissed lexa off. She nodded to the warrior holding echo to the ground and I winced watching the pain in her eyes at having her head yanked back to face the commander. Lexa gave a cold speech after on how echo would be punished for forgiveness and all awhile my heart was bumping sporadically in my chest.

 _"Is there anything you'd like to say before your punishment?"_ lexa asked her.

Echo glared up at the commander and I could tell she was extremely close to screaming some profanity in lexas face.

 _Stay quiet,_ I mentally begged her, knowing nothing would stop lexa from taking up one of her warriors swords and running it through echo's chest if she said anything bad.

Roan glanced my way with their glaring contest and saw my worry. He nudged his cousin and she quickly moved her eyes from lexa to find mine in the crowd. In them she apologised for before and again told me to stay brave. Then she bowed her head in respect to me.

I nodded back. I understood.

"Begin" Lexa told roan and moved back.

* * *

 _"Clarke!"_

 _A familiar voice called continually in my ear. A strange shaking rattled my body about. I could hear engines loud around me. The sound of metal shaking and groaning added in. Other voices were shouting out in fear._

 _I opened my eyes and groaned at the pain in my neck. I felt like I'd been stabbed. The world around me dipped and shook again, waking me up fully. I looked around at the kids strapped into seats around me. I recognised them all from my time in lock up. They were prisoners like me. I turned my head and looked back to the voice calling my name again. I recoiled seeing him beside me._

 _"Wells! Why the hell are you here?!" I stared at him angry and confused. He shouldn't be here. Why was he here?_

 _"When I found out they were sending prisoners to the ground, I got myself arrested" he told me quickly while the ship shook again, "I came for you" he explained honestly. I could only stare at him. He was the reason my dad was dead. I hadn't seen him in nearly nine months. Why did he believe I wanted him here?_

 _And now he was going to die with the rest of us on earth, I thought looking away from him at the other kids shouting in fear against the ship's trembling fall into the earth's atmosphere._

 _I glanced back to him when Jaha's face came up on the screens above our heads. I studied his silent watch for his father's condemning us all to our deaths. He'd got himself arrested so he could protect me._

 _If he died it would be my fault._

* * *

"She looks happy" I mumbled to myself watching lexa's calm walk back to her place by the fire. Jes bent her head to whisper in my ear

" _She is heda"_ She told me in answer, _"_ To gain justice is her right as commander"

"Doesn't mean she has to enjoy it" I replied taking a step away from jes. I was going to speak with lexa. I wanted to see for myself if she enjoyed watching her people torture each other like this. Because I believed she didn't. Not really.

Jes snagged my arm and pulled me back to her side with a warning to stay there.

I gave her a smile, "I'll be fine"

I gently pulled her hand off me and backed up a step. She didn't come after me. Instead she let me slip into the crowd. Maybe she hoped I would take this chance to run away. Maybe I should.

But I wasn't going to.

 _I deserve this._

Cain gave me a weary look as I broke through his men to walk down to lexa. It warned me against trying to attack her again. I decided to creep further through the crowd to stop at his side instead.

He stood silent, eyes pinned ahead on lexa's back.

"Thank you.. For not stopping me before" I told him earnestly.

He merely nodded and touched his sword hilt, rubbing his thumb over it as if to remove my fingerprints.

I nodded to it,"You got your sword back"

Cain grunted in reply.

"I wouldn't have killed her" I added looking with him back at lexa. I was remembering that moment this morning. When I'd ran out into the snow and stolen Cain's sword to stop Lexa. She'd looked so wild going at Jes the way she had. So angry. I'd never seen her so out of control like that.

Cain let out a breath beside me, "I know. As she would not kill you, wanheda" I glanced back at him and his voice softened when he added, "She cares much for you"

He walked away then towards the other fire to oversee the warriors knelt tending it. I questioned to myself what he meant. I knew lexa cared about me. Enough to get me out of the wilderness. Enough to grant me this punishment so I could move on. But was there more after all this? I couldn't accept that there could be after the position I continued to put her in.

I shook my head out of my doubts and walked forward to the commander.

"Do you enjoy this?" I asked turning beside her to watch over echo's torture.

I felt Lexa shift a little beside me as if agitated but I refused to look back at her. Instead I focused on roan as he dropped the knife into the fire beside him.

 _Ask her_ , my heart begged. It wanted to know why Lexa had lashed out at Jes before. It wanted to know why she'd refused to punish me then. I should have died the second I pushed cain's sword to touch her throat and yet here I was, still breathing. Why?

I looked back at her. She was ignoring me and staring straight at roan, arms crossed and eyes levelled carefully like she knew I was watching her. I watched the green cold in them freeze icier a moment and glanced away to the king looking at us. He looked incredibly angry at his commander before he dipped the hot knife into a jar held out to him by Lexa's warrior. I frowned at the substance sticking to the blade. It looked familiar. And I didn't like why I thought it did.

"Whats he doing?" I asked lexa, forgetting my pursuit for answers to give in to my heightened curiosity.

The commander looked back to me and I felt her staring for my questions.

"He's preparing the knife" Was her answer as she turned away. I looked back at her. That was not an explanation.

"I thought fourty-eight blades of fire meant actual fire" I said watching roan get a thick enough coat on the blade. Beside me Lexa tipped her head.

"Why give her a punishment that would be over quickly?" she questioned back in a bored voice. Her question shook through me though. Making me scared again, "Echo brought us to the brink of war. A crime this serious warrants a serious punishment"

I stared at her. I was entirely worried for echo in the seconds of pleasure rolling through lexa's expression at watching her be tortured. I was worried for myself too. I had to know what I would be cut with.

"What's on the knife, Lexa?" I asked her growing angry with her refusal to tell me.

She ignored me completely this time. Her head lifted as if in acknowledgement and I followed her attention back to the king by the fire.

The knife was gripped tight and ready in roans hand. His eyes were locked murderously at Lexa. I could understand his hate for her. I would react the same way if I'd been told to cut my cousin. Lexa nodded at roan in obvious demand to begin and he begrudgingly grabbed hold of echo's arm. I drew my eyes back to the commander as he cut a line across echo's skin. I couldn't stand to see the blood.

Lexa's face was void of emotion as she watched on. Anything she felt for what she was seeing was tucked safely away from my prying eyes. For those few seconds anyway.

Echo was quiet for a moment and a flicker of anger rolled over Lexa's face before a sharp scream left echo's lips. I flinched with the sound and snapped my eyes back to where echo was writhing on the ground. She was convulsing, one arm struggling under lexa's warriors to reach the other to stop the blood. Her face was contorted in pain, eyes rolling a little with it.

I remembered seeing Finn react the same way once after Lincoln had stabbed him.

 _It has to be poison!_

"Lexa!" I cried turning her around to face me. I could see in her eyes a slither of satisfaction at seeing echo put through this pain, "What is on the knife?!"

The commander looked down at me as she pulled me off her. Her eyes were sharp with rage for my demanding her to tell me. Instantly I backed down. I recognised that look she gave me. I knew what would happen if I carried on.

I backed up away from her and watched her nod. Hands grabbed at me suddenly, painfully yanking me back to be pinned securely in place. I struggled to get free but stopped the second Lexa took a step towards me. I looked up and breathed scared for the hating look she fixed on me.

 _"You will know very soon what is on the knife, Clarke from skaikru"_ she snarled meeting my eyes harshly, "A _nd yes I will enjoy it"_ Lexa bowed her head closer to whisper in my ear, "Even if it breaks me"

My heartbeat jumped into my throat for her cold words. I took a step to speak back but a nod from her to the warrior stood behind me had me being hauled out into the clearing. Lexa followed with a hard call of my name.

I had to take a couple deep breaths as everybody's eyes locked from echo's screams over to me.

This was way too real.

* * *

 _I stopped when I found Bellamy stood there staring at the ground. I followed his gaze and felt myself stare too. Atom was on the floor, choking and gasping up at Bellamy in a begging voice. His skin was raw and bleeding. The acid cloud had gotten him._

 _I took the last few steps towards them and bellamys head snapped up._

 _"I heard screams" I told him and turned my attention back to the begging boy on the ground. He nodded._

 _"Charlotte found him. I sent her back to camp"_

 _I nodded and knelt beside Atom and felt myself go into doctor mode. My eyes ran over him, assessing it in hope I could help. But I knew I couldn't. His chest was heaving with his struggle to catch a full breath. His lungs were probably half melted from breathing the toxic air. His eyes were stained white. Blind. His skin was bloody and welted, burned down to the nerves in some places. I didn't know how to save him. Even with medical supplies._

 _I couldn't save him._

 _I looked up at bellamy's waiting eyes and shook my head. He looked away and I knew from the look on his face that he couldn't be the one to end his friends suffering._

 _"Ok" I breathed telling myself i could do this. I reached out and began gently stroking Atom's hair to calm him._

 _"I'm gonna help you, alright" I told him, smiling at him even though he couldn't see it. I didn't want him to be scared._

 _Bellamy knelt down on atom's other side. His eyes locked entirely on his friend. He only looked back at me when I started to hum._

 _Atom's breathing slowed as he listened to me humming. He stopped struggling to breathe and laid still looking up at the sky above us. I kept my hand in his hair, letting it sift between my fingers while my other hand reached into my pocket for my knife. I forced my eyes to lock onto his neck. Onto the spot that would kill him._

 _I didn't give myself time to think about it. I felt Bellamy staring at me as the knife came close to Atom's face. I felt the boy between us flinch. I carried on humming and pushed the blade into his neck. He flinched and choked feeling it go in and then his eyes closed. My fingers kept their slow calm pace in his hair. My eyes filled with tears._

 _Now Im a killer._

* * *

 _"Wanheda. You called for judgment upon yourself for your actions against us during your time on earth. Forgiveness for your crimes will be hard earned"_

She walked around the bonfire then, eyes heavy while she listed off my punishments. She stopped in front of me with a hard look down at me. I lifted my chin when she failed to carry on. Her eyes locking mine said this would hurt. But I knew that.

Lexa looked like she wanted to look away from me. She looked in pain to see me before her about to be whipped. It hurt to see her like it. It reminded me of her eyes when she walked to finish Gustus off. She looked just as scared now as she had then.

 _"Is there anything you'd like to say before you are given to the gods mercy?"_

I heard the shake in her voice and felt myself shake in fear. She looked scared. So scared. Her eyes locking mine begged me to stop this before it was too late. But I couldn't. Not now.

 _"Be strong"_ I told her and watched as my words broke through the hard commanders mask.

More pain filled her eyes. Her expression flickered a little like she didn't know what to say. I silently told her it was okay. She didn't need to say anything because I already knew.

I watched Lexa withdraw back into herself then. She nodded to me and moved aside as I was pushed forward towards the post. I stared at it as I was pushed and shoved past the fires over to it. I tried to imagine myself being whipped against it. A thought that sent a shiver of fear straight through me.

 _Be strong,_ I told myself.

* * *

 _I pleaded with Bellamy. He had to see he was the only one who could save Murphy now. He was the only one who could stop all of this._

 _"Bellamy!" His head snapped up to the grinning boy, "You should do it!"_

 _The boy started a chant then. A sick song of bellamy's name that echoed around us. Bellamy looked around at everybody. At their sick smiles and their cheering his name. I saw him panic for their demand for justice._

 _He took a big step forward and I grabbed his arm._

 _"I know you're not a killer. Bellamy, don't do this!"_

 _He ignored me and moved forward towards Murphy. I tugged him back. I couldn't let him do this. He ignored my pleas and my pulling on his arm and pushed me off. The kids around us shouted his name louder as he neared murphy. Bellamy looked up to his friend with hard eyes before he kicked the box out from under his feet._

 _Murphy's body fell. The weight of it snapped against the rope holding his neck up and swung him dangerously to the right. The crowd beneath him watched his struggle to breathe and cheered gleefully for it. I stared around at them all. How could they be so cruel?!_

 _Bellamy turned back to me begging him to stop this and he angrily shouted at me, "This is on you, princess! You should've kept your mouth shut!"_

 _I stood back afraid he'd hit me in his anger. My eyes returned to murphy's body struggling against its bonds above us. His face was turning red. The rope around his neck was cutting in. His eyes were bulging. I'd wanted him to confess and pay for murdering Wells. I didn't want this. I didn't mean for it to happen._

* * *

Agonised screaming pulled my attention back and I looked over my shoulder. What I saw made me turn from Jes' hands helping me remove my shirt to face echo screaming at the knife embedded deep in her thigh. Roan was sat beside her looking down at it in shock and anger. I could guess he hadn't put it there.

I looked to jes, "What happened?" I asked turning back and staring at Lexa crouched beside roan and echo speaking with the ice warrior.

"Heda stabbed the traitor" she told me in a low voice. I almost didn't believe her. But that look in Lexa's eyes told me it was true. As did the bloody knife raised in her hand.

Echo snarled something in Lexa's direction and I saw the commander look back at her thoughtful before she stabbed down with the knife. I jumped watching echo writhe upwards in pain.

Lexa stood then with a satisfied smile and walked back to us. Her eyes caught mine watching her but she didn't look guilty like I thought she might. Instead she stared right back at me. Coldly. Like I was an enemy too. It scared me.

"Wanheda?" Jes whispered quietly telling me I needed to continue before Lexa sent another warrior to intervene.

I watched Lexa wipe her hand clean on cain's jacket before I turned myself back to Jes.

 _Shit,_ I thought scared to myself. Roan was right. I'd seriously underestimated Lexa. And it scared me a lot.

 _I don't know her at all._

* * *

 _"Clarke!"_

 _"What?!" I snapped at him. His eyes rested quickly on mine and he told me calmly,_

 _"She's just a kid"_

 _I glared angry at Finn that he'd pick her side. She'd killed Wells. She'd killed my friend. And just because she thought it would help her sleep better at night. He was dead because of her!_

 _"She's a killer!" I snarled back turning to look down at her. She looked frightened and lost. But she didn't look bad for what she did and she deserved to, "You killed someone, Charlotte. Ended his life" She looked away but I wasn't done yet._

 _I stood closer so I could look down at her. I felt my anger and my grief direct my hate at her. I saw her shake seeing it._

 _"Did you stop to think about that for even one second?" I asked her, genuinely curious for what had gone through her head when she'd cut Well's throat. She looked away again,_

 _"Look at me!" I shouted at her. She jumped but pulled her eyes straight back to me, scared of what I'd do if she didn't._

 _I shook my head at her. It disgusted me looking at her. It angered me to be protecting my best friend's killer._

 _"You can't just kill someone to make yourself feel better!" I screamed at her._

* * *

The air was cold. Snow was beginning to fall a little heavier now. I shook as it melted against my barely warmer skin.

My eyes traced the smoothed grooves in the wooded beam in front of me. I concentrated myself on figuring out what type of tree it had been. How old it was. Memorising the smell of it. Anything to stop me hearing the whip being shaken out back behind me.

 _Be strong_ , I repeated to myself.

* * *

 _"I can't let any of you get hurt anymore. Not because of me"_

 _Charlotte's eyes dulled and her little face paled even more. I saw in her a hopeless kid. Breathing now just because she could. Not because she wanted to._

 _I struggled against murphy again. I didn't like the dead tone of her voice. I didn't like how she'd been happy to hand herself over to murphy for me when she knew he wanted her dead. She'd killed Wells. But she didn't deserve to die for it. She was just a kid._

 _"Not after what I did" she mumbled and turned._

 _Bellamy's eyes were on me and murphy. He didn't see Charlotte move around his grip on her. He didn't feel her push him away until it was too late._

 _"Charlotte, no!" I shouted and pushed murphy off me to rush to her._

 _She ignored me and leapt off the side of the cliff. I skidded to my knees at the edge and shouted her name, a hopeless sob breaking through me while I tried to realise she was gone. Bellamy was knelt beside me just as shocked._

 _I did this, I thought while my eyes tried to search for her little body through the fog, I killed her._

* * *

I bowed my head to rest against the beam and swallowed the vomit building in my throat. The crowd of warriors had started shouting. It was a scary chant of my name and Lexa's.

"Heda!-Wanheda!-Heda!-Wanheda!"

I listened to them circle each other in their many voices and questioned myself how long it would carry on.

Behind me I felt Lexa hesitating...

* * *

 _"He wants Finn to die! Why can't you see that?"_

 _I looked away from bellamy to the man chained up beside us. He watched us carefully. He couldn't understand us but I could bet he knew what Bellamy was talking about._

 _Bellamy looked down at me, "Do you want him to live or not?_

 _Octavia stared at her brother and span to face me, "Clarke, you even said it yourself!_ _This is not who we are!"_

 _I knew she was right. Torture was not the right way. But right now we didn't have another option._

 _"He was protecting me!" Octavia growled at her brother, "He saved my life!"_

 _"We're talking about Finn's life!" Bellamy replied cold and harsh looking down at me seriously. I read it in his eyes. This was the only way. Finn was in danger. I didn't know how long he had. Bellamy offered the only way to get an antidote._

 _I swallowed and nodded._

 _"Do it"_

 _Bellamy nodded and strode forward to face the man. They stared at each other a moment, both exchanging angry glares. Then Bellamy reached up and began cutting the shirt off the grounder. When he was done he threw the torn fabric to the ground and went into the corner to cut a seatbelt free. Octavia whimpered behind me. She begged the grounder to tell us already. He stared back at her._

 _Bellamy walked forward with the seatbelt slung over his shoulder. I walked to the stand to the side and nodded when Bellamy looked back to me._

 _I flinched watching the belt swing around to hit the grounder hard in the side. I winced at the welt forming from the slap of metal against his ribs. His body doubled from the attack but he refused to voice his pain. Instead he looked back at Bellamy, tilting his head a little to fix him a cold dead stare._

 _Bellamy looked shaken by it but quickly moved his arm back to send another lash against the grounders hip._

* * *

My body shocked forward with the sting of leather slapping suddenly into it. My eyes flashed with white at the hot pain spreading across my back. I refused to cry out, though my breaths made me choke a little to. Lincoln had handled his whipping silently. For authorising it I would refuse myself the release of crying about my own.

The grounders around me were silent. Even lexa. I felt their stares on me while I listened to the whip sliding back across the snow towards the commander again. Not a single one of them said anything. My silence stunned them too much.

I closed my eyes to the pain still shaking through my back and readied myself for the next lash.

* * *

 _"Clarke! Look!"_

 _Miller pointed to the grounders slaughtering the kids by the gate then to the ones charging towards us. All around I saw kids dying._

 _Miller turned back to me, "You can't save everybody!"_

 _His voice cut deep into me. And I knew he was right. He started to back up, touching my arm as he went to get me to go with him,_

 _"Lets go!" He shouted._

 _I stood still, eyes turning back to Finn and Bellamy. Bellamy was on top of the grounder leader, pummelling him with his fists. Finn was still struggling back up from the grounder's cruel attack into the ground. He looked up at me, eyes locking mine. He nodded at me. He wanted me to go. I wanted to scream at him no. I wouldn't leave. But the grounders were flooding the camp site. Their entire army was coming in. Even if they ran now the two boys wouldn't make it back in time. I couldn't save them._

 _But I could save the others._

 _I started backing away, eyes locked on Finns._

 _I'm sorry, I told him, turning my back on him and bellamy._

* * *

A brand new sting cut into the back of my right shoulder, mirroring the claw marks on my left. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on breathing to stop my body going into shock from the pain...

* * *

 _The drop ship door fell slowly. My heart was pounding in my chest for what was waiting on the other side of that chute curtain. It was quiet. Way too quiet. I didn't like it._

 _The others stood up and gathered close behind me. I could tell they were just as scared as I was to know if Raven's plan had worked. One walked to the curtain. He looked back at me with his hand holding it in question to pull it up. I nodded and walked forward as he moved it out of the way._

 _My eyes registered a grey tinge to the world outside, one that wasn't there before. Something was falling from the sky. A dusty ash that dropped miserably to the ground in cloudy flurries. My eyes followed it down to the burnt ground. To the charred and blackened skeletons littering the now dead grass in piles. I felt sick as I counted skulls peeking out beneath the ash. I couldn't believe I had chosen this._

 _I felt myself walk forward and hop down from the ship. My boots hit the soft ash and sent a cloud of dust up at me. I swallowed and heard the others jump down after me. Nobody was talking. Everything was silent save for Anya's gasps as she was dragged down to the ground too. I ignored the sounds of her breathing deeply and angrily over what she saw._

 _I was walking back to where I'd last seen Finn and Bellamy. To the two skeletons sat together with their jaws open in what must have been an agonised scream._

 _Was this them? Had I killed them too?_

* * *

Lexa brought the whip back against my body. Its crack echoed around me and stirred my thoughts but this time I barely felt its sting on my hip. I was remembering the seconds before the mountain men took us. Remembering Anya's look for me when I'd turned from what I'd thought was Bellamy and Finn. She'd looked so dead in that moment. As if she'd joined her warriors in the ash beneath her feet. Her eyes had locked mine and she'd said something I couldn't understand at the time. But now I did. And it made the memory hurt even more.

 _You cannot undo this,_ she'd told me in anger, _You cannot escape it._

I pressed my head harder against the scourging post and bit my lip with the tears falling down my cheeks.

Anya had been right.

* * *

" _How many are there?" She asked in wonderment to all the bright lights ahead of us. I looked around at them too, relief spreading through my exhausted body. I was home. I was safe._

 _"_ _I don't know.. A lot. I hope"_

 _I turned to her silence. Anya was looking at me strangely. As if she couldn't decide what exactly I was. With all this mud caked over us I didn't blame her. I looked down at her bound hands. I stepped forward and picked them free._

 _"I'm letting you go" I told her when she watched me, "I'm not weak, but I'm not like you. Our only chance against Mount Weather is if we fight together. To beat them, we'll need our technology and your knowledge of this world. I know my people will help. The question is, will yours?"_

 _Anya breathed for a moment. Her eyes flicked between me and the world around me in a way that suggested she was struggling to make a decision. I hoped she trusted me enough to help. She was the only grounder ally I had. I needed her to be on my side._

 _Please believe me, I begged watching her._

 _"The commander was my second" she shared cautiously in a deep breath, "I can get an audience"_

 _I felt relief swim through me. I nodded and raised my arm to her in the gesture of trust I'd seen the grounders share before. She immediately took hold of my arm and squeezed it tight. I felt a spark of hope reach me in her silent promise to help._

 _"Please hurry" I told her._

 _She nodded and turned to walk away. I watched her go. I hoped it didn't take her too long to get back to her people. Mine needed this alliance now._

 _Anya strode tiredly down the hill and I started to turn to walk to the ark. A shot ringing out and a yell stopped me. I saw her body fall and felt my heart stop._

 _"Anya!" I shouted and ran to her collapsed in the mud._

 _I heard another shot as I neared her and I gasped at the bullet grazing my shoulder. I ignored my own pain and fell to my knees beside her. She was rolling on the ground, moaning in pain and gasping to breathe. My eyes flew to the blood on her stomach and automatically my hands came up to apply pressure. I knew it was fatal. She would die if I didn't get her help._

 _Anya had looked down at the wound herself. Her eyes filled with pain and hopelessness as she rolled her head back. She coughed to herself, wincing when her mouth filled with blood. I struggled to remain calm for her then._

 _"Hey, hey" I tried to keep a level voice as I pulled her face back to me, "Its okay" Her head lolled in my hands and I could see the colour draining from her face. I started to panic at losing her, "No, no, no!" I sobbed, hands shaking over her skin._

 _The grounder stilled then. Her eyes opened and she looked up at me gently._

 _"My fight is over" She whispered to me closing her eyes._

 _Anya let out a last breath and I felt the body beneath my hands stop breathing._

* * *

Lexa pushed faster with her whipping. Lash after lash broke across my skin. I could tell from the harder way they cut into my back that she was losing grip of herself. It made me feel bad. I'd told her I wanted this to break her. Maybe now it actually was.

"Be strong" I whispered to myself as they whip slid out of my skin again.

The fire on my back burned brighter all of a sudden. The leather cord had caught on the other open wounds on exit and I could feel Lexa gently shaking it loose. I forced down the tremble I wanted to give under the irritated sting it sent down my spine and whispered again to myself.

"Be strong" I whimpered squeezing my fingers into the back of the post as the whip was pulled free, " _Be strong"_

* * *

 _"So. You're the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive"_

 _The shame that floods through me is halted only by the commander's eyes looking up to meet mine. They're green and stand out incredibly against the black paint covering her face. She sounded angry but her eyes look less so at me. They take me in and I can tell she's wondering how the hell someone like me could have killed so many of her people like that._

 _I asked myself the same damn thing every day._

 _I lifted my chin and made myself show her I was merciless about that. She had been willing to kill my people. I had to pretend I had felt the same killing hers._

 _"You're the one who sent them there to kill us"_

* * *

The snow started to fall heavier. Lexa was hesitating the next lash. My shoulders shook in wild convulses. From the cold of the ice melting on my skin and the open wounds standing bare on my back. I'd thought the claw marks had been painful. Being whipped made them feel like little scratches.

I counted up the lashes in my head through their standing place on my skin.

Seven so far.

 _Why is she hesitating?_ , I wondered panting a little through the pain.

Another lash answered my thoughts.

* * *

 _There was smoke rising from the trees. Fire was lighting the sky._

 _I stumbled through the wood back towards TonDc. My ears were still ringing from the bomb. My hands were bleeding from the fall I'd taken in the explosion. I couldn't think straight. My head was too full of how I'd let this happen. All those screams around me, all that pain and suffering, it was all me._

 _A horse screaming caught my attention and I turned to see the white mare gallop towards me in terror, her flanks on fire. I stumbled out of the way and watched her running away desperate to stop the fire causing her pain._

 _A shadow crept from the trees after the horse had bolted. A woman. I recoiled in shock at the blood on her hand holding a severed arm. Hers. She stared at me and whispered something. Help, I think. I started forward to her._

 _A voice called louder above the screaming as the woman collapsed dead to the ground. A hand pulled me around to stop me gong any further to the village._

 _'Clarke" Lexa's voice reached through the fog in my mind. I looked back at her. She'd stayed after all. She'd come back for me._

 _"I could have warned them" I mumbled to her, "I could have saved them"_

 _Lexa's eyes turned pityingly on me. She calmly told me we had to go. We couldn't help. We were still targets. I barely heard her. I was thinking about my anger. I'd tried things my way. And it got people killed. I looked back at Lexa. At the pain I could see hidden in her eyes. At the cold fury building beneath the smooth expression._

 _Now I try her way._

 _"I want the Mountain Men dead" I told her, murder in my voice. She stared back at me but I couldn't tell if she was shocked or not, "All of them" I added._

 _They continued to kill our people without care for whether they were innocent or not, just to get at me and Lexa. None of them deserved to live. The light coming to Lexa's eyes as she nodded to me said she wanted it too._

 _She pulled on my hand, telling me we had to go. I looked back over my shoulder before I followed. At all the fire and death I'd caused._

 _I felt my heart fill with my grief and my rage. I directed it all at the mountain men._

 _I'd help Lexa slaughter them all._

* * *

 _And I did,_ I thought coldly to myself as the whip withdrew again from my back.

This time I let myself shake. I couldn't fight the pain and the guilt anymore. One of them had to win. I was too weak to stop it.

Footsteps crunched in the snow towards my position at the post and I flinched at the gentle voice whispering my name. A hand touched my neck and I cringed before I opened my eyes. Jes' eyes were watching me in deep concern.

"Clarke" she whispered in a choked voice.

I just managed to give her a nod. My head hurt. It was pounding in pain. Burning with it. I fell forward against the post, panting and whimpering pathetically. I felt so weak right now.

My eyes locked on the warrior in front of me but I wasn't really seeing her. It hurt too much to focus on that. Instead I was counting again.

Eight. I'd only had Eight lashes. Why was Jes here when I had four more to go?

She reached out to me and I flinched away. I didn't want to stop. I had to continue.

"Jes.." I moaned unable to tell her to go away. My voice died the second I tried.

Jes whispered calmly back to me and slowly lowered her hands to mine. She gently pulled my grip away from the post. My legs shook when I no longer had something to hold myself up with and I felt myself fall backwards. A warm body caught mine in its arms before I could hit the ground.

"Cain!" Lexa's voice echoed over to me. It sounded deep and cracked in exhaustion. As if she had been the one receiving the lashes.

I wanted to look back at her. I wanted to show her I was okay. But my head felt too heavy to even do that.

"Jes, take her other side" I heard somebody say above me.

I rolled my head and looked up at niylah holding me. I wanted to push her off. I didn't need help. Especially not from her.

 _"Its okay, clarke"_ Jes whispered. Her voice calmed me but only a little.

Jes pulled my left arm carefully over her shoulder and nodded to Niylah. The healer shifted me in her arms so I was stood again, weight tipped against Jes. I soon felt my legs being knocked out from under me. I hissed and gasped in fright and pain as hands braced me up into Jes' arms. The warrior took my weight easy and held me tightly in her grip with care to avoid touching the deeper of the lashes on my back.

"Quickly!" Niylah told her in a rushed voice.

I saw jes nod before I felt us moving suddenly. She moved quickly over the snow despite her limp. The cant in her speeding steps caused my body to rock against hers, forcing the tender flesh on my back to stretch and pull beneath my body pinning it to her arm. I silently started crying from the pain and hid my face into Jes' neck. Her people were still watching me. Looking for wanheda to look weak. I couldn't be that in front of them. Not now. Not ever.

 _"Calm yourself, brave one_ " I heard jes whisper into my ear when she felt my tears, _"I will keep you safe_ "

She walked quicker after niylah. Her steps taking us through voices talking. My head lifted when my heart pinpointed one it recognised and I forced my eyes open in time to catch Lexa wiping the whip clean. It scared me watching her eyes stare dead at the blood splatting against the snow at her feet.

 _My blood_ , I trembled letting a frightened whimper shake from my throat. Jes held me closer in her arms. Hugging me almost. As if to hide me away from everything.

"Set her down here" Niylah instructed sharply.

Other hands brushed my around my back as someone helped jes lower me down to sit on a log. I had my eyes closed again and was focusing on not screaming out when Niylah's hand pressed the pain sharper suddenly. It moved all over my back, irritating the wounds deeper, causing me to grit my teeth with a growled hiss.

"Its okay, Clarke" I heard said to me, "You're okay"

I opened my eyes and found Monroe's green ones looking back at me. She tried to smile in reassurance but her eyes flicking back and forth between my face and back told me it was bad. I reached a hand out and she immediately took it to let me squeeze the pain out.

Niylah was whispering to jes behind me, instructing her to help her wash the deep cuts in my skin. I frowned listening. They were discussing whether to put salve on them yet and wondering if heda would allow that. I looked up to where Lexa was standing alone still staring at my blood on the ground.

"No" I told them in a thick voice. Everybody stopped and I could feel their eyes on me in surprise. I pulled my eyes off lexa and looked back at niylah behind me. i gave her a strong look, "Just wash them"

She stared at me, "But, Wanheda, if-"

She shut up the second I sent her a dark glare. Her eyes shifted away from me and she turned quickly to bark at a village child to get her more water. I turned back to facing forward and closed my eyes again. I began deep breathing to try to eliminate some of the pain. I knew most of it wasn't there. It was just my mind taking what my body felt and making it worse.

 _Mind over matter, Clarke,_ I told myself.

* * *

 _Lincoln was struggling against the mountain man. The knife was pressed heavy to his throat. The man told me to lower my gun or he'd kill Lincoln. I kept it raised in aim at him, silently telling him I'd kill him if he killed my friend. He didn't look scared though._

 _"Just let him kill me, then take him out!" Lincoln cried at me, begging me to let him die. Behind me I could feel lexa's eyes on me telling me the same thing. But I couldn't do that._

 _"Go on, Clarke!" Lincoln growled, "Please! Your people need you"_

 _I raised the gun higher and took my aim._

 _"You are my people" I told him and pulled the trigger._

 _Lincoln's left side jerked backwards into the mountain man as the bullet flew through his shoulder and into the sniper's heart. Lincoln held a hand to his shoulder and slumped to his knees groaning. The mountain man stared at me, mouth open and bloody in shock, before he fell to the ground beside the grounder._

 _Lincoln looked down at the hole in his arm and touched it. He looked back at me impressed and nodded._

 _"Good shot" He panted looking back at the sniper._

 _I didn't reply. I was staring down at the dead man. I'd easily taken his life in revenge for the ones he'd help me lose back in tondc. I expected to find some form of relief in killing him. But all I felt was more guilt. More heartache._

 _"Did that make you feel better?" Lexa asked behind me._

 _"No"_

* * *

I jerked back to myself when I felt an ice cold take on the burning hot on my back. I could feel it creep into the open cuts, freezing them from the inside. It made me shiver wildly.

Hands on my shoulders stopped me standing up like I wanted to to get it off. They kept me pinned me down to endure the cold pain tricking along my spine.

" _This will help?"_ I heard jes ask as more ice was applied to my wounds. Niylah told her yes.

" _If we apply enough it will numb the wounds and set them into the healing process"_

" _But they're still bleeding_ " Jes replied in a frowning voice. I wanted to explain it to her. I wanted to tell her niylah was right in what she was doing. But I barely had the energy to keep my head up.

Niylah stood after a long minute of pressing more ice into my back. She came around to my front and crouched to look up at me. Her eyes were swimming as she locked gazes with me. I saw only bad news in them. I hadn't expected much else.

"You can continue the punishment" she told me in a faltering voice, "But I beg you, Clarke, let this be it. You have had your pain. _Let it end here_ "

Niylah reached for my hand but I jerked it away.

" _My pain is just beginning"_ I told her in answer.

Niylah's head dropped and I saw her shoulders slump in defeat before she stood. She told Jes and Monroe to get me back on my feet. Then she turned to walk to lexa.

"You're fucking crazy, Griffin!" Monroe hissed to me as she took my arm. She helped jes haul me to my feet and gave me an angry look when I stared back at her, "Fucking grade A suicidal fucking crazy!"

I sighed back at her, "You wouldn't understand" I mumbled gasping at the first step we took towards the post.

"Nobody understands!" she growled at me and started a a flurry of angry cussing remarks under her breath at me. I ignored her to watch myself come closer to the post again. My eyes locked on all the blood on the snow around it. I swallowed heavy thinking what my back must look like right now.

"That is enough!" Jes snapped suddenly and gave her second orders to go guard the trading post.

The young warrior stared back at her mentor in disbelief but quickly handed off her share of my weight to Jes. I called after her as she stomped her way through the snow but she ignored me. I sighed to myself and looked up at the angry warrior holding me up.

"She's just upset" I told Jes in monroe's defence. Jes continued walking me to the post.

"She knows better than to let her emotions rule her judgement" was all she said as she guided me back to standing in position.

She asked me if I wanted to be tied again but I refused. We both knew I wasn't strong enough to stand long but I refused to let Lexa, or her people, believe I was weak enough now to need help. Jes nodded though I could see her disapproval with my decision. She quickly moved around me and I felt the warmth of her hands on my hips as she changed my stance against the post.

"If you stand directly against it the whip cannot push you" I nodded grateful for her advice and continued to listen as she whispered more. I wondered how she knew all this. Maybe she'd had her fun whipping someone before. Then I remembered seeing the scars on her back.

 _I was right,_ I thought miserably.

Jes' hand on my hip pressed tighter a moment. I felt her thumb brush over the untouched clean skin there.

"You are too brave, wanheda" she told me and leant closer to whisper in my ear, "Stay brave"

I nodded and she withdrew herself to walk away. I stopped her and quickly called her back.

"Will you pass a message on to the commander for me?" She nodded and leant her head down to receive it, "Tell her ' _Be strong'_ " Jess frowned and I smiled tiredly, "She will understand"

Jes nodded and left me. I bent my head against the post and took deep breaths again. I felt myself crying at all the pain I could feel coming to life again in my wait for lexa to start. I told myself to get a grip. I only had four more lashes to go. The worst was over.

My heart shook violently against the lie.

 _The worst is yet to come,_ It told me.

* * *

 _"I made this choice with my head and not my heart"_

 _She looks down at me with no emotion as my world falls apart. Her face just stays the same._

 _Unyielding._

 _Unapologetic._

 _Uncaring._

 _I can't stop my heart from breaking under her betrayal._

 _I can't stop it hurting._

* * *

"Let me stop this"

Lexa's voice broke through the hurtful memory. It was different. It sounded weak and quiet. Not one part of the strong commander was alive in it. I couldn't work out why.

I lifted my head and shook a hurt breath out as I turned it to face her. The action sent a ripple of pain down my back. I felt my tears falling unrestrained down my face from it. I struggled to keep my head up. Trying made me dizzy. So I rested it against the post.

I found my answer to my confusion when I looked up into those green eyes watering a little in fear and anguish. I realised in a sharp breath then what she was doing. She wasn't asking me to stop. She was begging.

My heart shook inside me watching what I could see happening beneath the commander's calm surface. It hated me for hoping for this to begin with.

 _She's breaking_ , I realised.

I gave her a gentle look for her plea. I couldn't stop. I wouldn't. Not until I'd answered for all the people I'd killed.

"You stop when its over" I told her strongly with a brave smile when she looked back at me uncertain. She looked confused. Like she didn't know what to do. As a commander who knew always how to act I bet this was scaring her.

 _She cares very much for you,_ Cain's words echoed inside my head as I watched Lexa watching me.

 _Me too,_ I thought back.

I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to tell her it would be okay. She looked like she really needed that reassurance right now. Instead I stood there, watching her decide her move.

After what felt like forever Lexa nodded and whispered for me to be strong. I sucked in a big breath the second she turned away to return to her position for the final whipping. I told myself it would be okay. It was only four lashes this time. I could be strong enough for that. Lexa needed me to be.

The chants went up behind me when lexa was back in position and I expected them to go on longer to build up for the lash. Like they had before. But lexa was impatient to finish this.

A lash broke open another line on my back and I froze up. I hadn't been expecting it. The sudden pain sent a fire to my head. It made my knees buckle a little. I shoved myself straight again, crying silently while I trembled with the torn open feeling spreading over my spine.

I closed my eyes, listening to the cracks sound again and my skin rip open under her strong and controlled whips. I squeezed my eyes and hugged the post tight with every lash. Behind my eyes I was seeing more murders. More guilt.

 _Wells lying dead on the ground..._

 _Being told our flares had burned down an entire village..._

 _Caliban staring up at me bleeding as I held my hand over his mouth..._

 _Finn thanking me as I pulled the knife out of his heart..._

A lash cut just below my ribs. I tasted blood in my mouth as I struggled to stay quiet.

 _Watching Lexa slash her sword into Quint's leg and then hearing his screams after us as we ran away..._

 _Dante clutching his chest and collapsing to the floor bleeding..._

 _Pulling the lever that killed 381 people in seconds..._

Another lash. Right across the length of my back.

 _Hearing a little boy beg for help.. Watching his scared eyes as I raised the gun and shot him in the head..._

 _Holding a knife to Lexa's throat while I blamed her for it all..._

The images shifted with the growing pain amassing on my back and suddenly I was back in that room holding the knife up.

 _She stared back at me, waiting for it. When I hesitated she looked over my shoulder. I looked too and saw all of them there. Everybody I'd killed. Dante. Anya. Atom. Charlotte. Dad. Wells.._

 _Finn was stood at the front of the massive group of people I'd murdered. His eyes were heavy on me. He looked disappointed. He shook his head at me._

 _"Did that make you feel better?" Lexa asked me._

Just as the last and hardest lash broke through my mind.


	20. Chapter 20

**When ADC tries to pull a 'kid-thats-never-killed-anything' in FTWD but all she has is Heda reloaded.. Yup haha ^^ Guys! The promo for Ep 16! Aaaah! LEXA'S COMING BACK! To die again but still, AAAAHHH! :D**

 **So I know what you're all wondering. Why no update for 2 weeks?! I was ill. And I had a seriously severe dose of writer's block. Im not really all that confident in today's update. I wont lie. Its probably shit. But I've tried to rewrite it so many times now and its just not happening. Instead I seemed to have re-written the niylah-clarke sex scene in chp.5..** **Sooooo.. Yeah... I'm just gonna write today off as a shit chapter and move on over to the next one. I can only apologise and send you on to the happier part of todays author commentary *points down***

 **Now I feel I don't say this enough but you guys are freaking awesome! The support on this story has been crazy! I'm seriously blown way! It honestly brightens my day to know so many of you enjoy my story. Thanks doesn't seem to cover it anymore... Everybody take a virtual high-five and a hearty grounder arm clasp! :)**

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 _ **kaotikaskull**_ _ **: My spanish isn't great but I think I know what that review said?**_

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 ** _Jedi Caro: Ah shite. First I scared you, now you're crying. I suck._**

 ** _cosmic. welt: I'm still working on that review trophy!_**

 ** _claudia. garib: Its still going!_**

 ** _Itsmedusty7: 19 chapters in 3 days?! I'm both impressed and honoured! Thanks for reading!_**

 ** _Leodawn83: There's always hope.. Updates are (usually) weekly. Catch me on a friday. Also I'm glad you're soundtracking with me!_**

 ** _Life-is-rolling-keep-on-going: Brutal aftermath, huh? We'll see..._**

 ** _qota the dragan: I wouldn't exactly call this an AU.. More a spicing/epic fucking up of the show episodes.. Everybody else is headed our way soon! Don't worry. Whether their storylines will stay the same as canon is to be decided. Lets see how wildly inventive my imaginations gets._**

 ** _valentixna: Thanks for the love! Welcome to the reviewer's lounge!_**

 ** _Eliquetric: Jes cares for Clarke. Thats all I'm saying.. Clarke may get jealous. But then again she may feel different about lexa altogether after this punishment lark. Who knows!.. 1000 more followers would push my ego to its limit but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it to happen :P Thanks for the reviews!_**

 ** _Cait: I'm glad I delivered you the fic you wanted!_**

 **Damn guys! I'ma have to start emailing review response I think!**

 **Playing; Fall by Dotan.**

* * *

 _ **We survive together...**_

* * *

 **Lexa.**

Clarke walked toward me with her head down watching her feet to avoid all the blood in the snow. Her steps were slow. Each one displaying the immense effort it took her to simply push one foot in front of the other. Jes was at her side carefully and gently guiding her. One hand firmly holding clarke's arm while she walked slowly beside the injured girl to keep her from stumbling down.

When they reached me by the fire Jes carefully removed the blanket from Clarke's shoulders and bundled it up under her arm for safekeeping, leaving clarke to stand bare again in her now torn and bloody chest covering. The warriors behind her in the snow were silent. But I could see from their widening eyes that her back looked terrible. The sight of it sent a push of guilt through my chest. And yet I told myself to remain calm and still.

Jes whispered when the other girl started shaking from the cold and quickly offered her the blanket back. Clarke lifted her head to look down at me and refused it the second our eyes met.

 _Still she is relentless.._

I stared at her. Taking in the pale skin and exhausted eyes. She had barely rested. But I knew that already. Her screams of pain had carried on past the lashing and long into her extended break of healing. They had followed me about camp as I busied myself readying messengers for Polis and Indra. Cruelly tormenting me as she laid in her own torment. Begging me to answer their summons to her.

But I couldn't.

Instead I'd forced my way thorough talks with Roan regarding our moving on to the border. And negotiating terms to his alliance inside my coalition. I'd even listened to his relentless begging to allow Niylah to heal his cousin. Because choosing to endure the king's company had been an all too easy decision compared to the task of forcing myself to see clarke's suffering.

My eyes moved away from my glance back at the king when Jes knelt in the snow beside clarke. I subtly shook my head at her. She wouldn't be staying. This part would be just me and Clarke. As it needed to be.

Jes looked back at me, begging me to change my mind. When I refused she looked down to Clarke for her opinion. She seemed worried to leave her with me. The other girl gave her a weak smile and told her it was okay. I gave Jes my own look too to order her away with a hand threatening to fist in anger when she took her time to go. The warrior glanced cautiously my way and then bowed her head to whisper in clarke's ear. Her hand squeezed clarke's shoulder gently after. Clarke wordlessly nodded in reply.

 _Now what do they say?_ I growled to myself, annoyed with their secrets. I told myself to ignore the sudden rise in my blood for it. I had to believe it was just last words of comfort.

Jes rose back to her feet after a short moment and walked away with reluctant limping steps back to stand with the others. I made sure to see her standing beside her old warrior before I looked back to clarke. To her tired eyes avoiding mine to look at the few warriors standing around her. To her frowning at their small number. And then to her stare at the post behind me. I knew she was recalling her time against it. I could tell in the trembles shaking her fingers at her sides.

In that moment I wanted to take her away from this place. Away from all memory of what had happened here. But I could not.

 _You stop when its over,_ I reminded myself again.

I struggled with what to say to her in the seconds it took to look her over. My mind was too ablaze in the memory of seeing her tear stained face bent against the post. So many things were fighting to be blurted out under the weight of seeing her again in so much pain. The foremost being an apology for all of this. Especially when her eyes refused to meet mine.

But the commander in me refused to let me speak the words.

Heda apologised to no-one.

I cut my emotions away, and reminded myself to stay strong, as I raised my hand up to clarke in request for her to sit down opposite me. I watched in silent torture as she slowly eased herself onto the cut log I'd had placed beside the fire for her. Bending her back made her entire body shake. I could only guess to the pain she was hiding from me.

Clarke shivered delicately to herself when she was sat and waited patient for me to begin. Her eyes were straying across the trampled snow at her feet, ignoring my presence completely. I watched her a moment before I found the strength to at last speak to her.

"Does it hurt much?" I quietly asked with relief seeing her eyes finally drift back to me with my question.

She stared at me a moment. Blue eyes locking deeply onto mine. Then she shook her head. An answer that surprised me.

"Yes" she smiled at my expression and winced when she tried sitting straight under my shooting her a look to be serious. It relieved me to see her so light about all this but at the same time I wished for her not to hide from me.

Clarke gritted her teeth with her sitting up and rolled her shoulders back, gasping out when it irritated her back. I saw a bead of sweat roll down her face and told myself to get on with this. The sooner it was done and over, the sooner she could rest.

 _The sooner we may all move on_ , I added in afterthought.

I pulled my knife from my thigh and held it out above the flames beside us. My eyes stayed on the blade's sharp point as it slowly turned from black to red. I felt a tension fill the air suddenly. Like the earth itself were holding its breath. I tried my hardest to ignore it.

"Jes explained this part to you?" I asked knowing the warrior would have wanted Clarke prepared. Surprisingly clarke shook her head at me.

"I wanted you to tell me" she told me in a strained whisper.

I looked away from the blade turning colour to her eyes watching me. They asked me to tell her. They told me I was the only one she would hear this from. My heart throbbed in my chest to know I was the only one she would trust to tell her.

 _She knows you would not lie,_ my heart moaned in my chest. It did not want me to tell clarke and yet I could not. Now it was happening she had a right to know what her body would be put through. I could not protect her from this. But I could prepare her.

I nodded my consent and set the blade into the fire to heat alone. Then I waved forward the young village girl who stood waiting by cain's shadow. She took a small step forward at my summons with scared eyes locked on Clarke's back. I impatiently looked to cain when she stopped and he nudged the girl in the back. She hurried over then, hands carefully holding the jar she'd been entrusted with.

Clarke's eyes were pinned to it the second I thanked the girl and took it into my hands. I could see her again trying to work out what was inside it. I could sense her fear for it.

" _Blades of fire_ is a dangerous punishment" I began holding the jar tight between my palms. I paused then. I was suddenly nervous to speak of it to her. I was anxious anticipating her coming shock and fear but forced my voice to stay level and my expression to hold nothing but calm for her.

"Only those who commit serious crimes are subject to it" I paused again a moment in thought before I added quieter, "Eko is the first I have had punished under it"

Clarke's eyes moved up to me in surprise. I would have smiled if I wasn't feeling so surprised myself. Never would I have believed Eko would be the one. It hurt in a confusing way. She had betrayed me and so had deserved every moment of her punishment. And yet I felt a strange tingle of shame over it. Maybe our previous friendship made it a sore decision to me now. Maybe costia's spirit was cursing me for it. I didn't know. I only knew I felt regret. And wished I didn't.

I continued stronger in my explanation to clarke, my anger for my emotions pushing me on, "We call it fire not because we use hot blades to make the cuts. But for the substance we put on the knife first"

"Poison" Clarke guessed watching me pull the lid off the jar.

I shook my head while I released the cloth top covering the dangerous substance. The smell of it hit me hard the moment it was free to the air. I could almost taste its toxic flavour on my tongue.

It was much worse than poison.

"You remember the fog the mountain men used against us?" I began slowly deciding the best way to explain this without terrifying her.

Clarke nodded at me, eyes touching painfully in remembrance to her experience with it.

"The fog is smoke" I explained holding her gaze now. It was important she heard all of this, "It is produced by burning a _Manichee_ tree. You've felt the effects of this fog" She again nodded at me, "The tree sweats a sap. This in its basic form is a refined version of that toxic cloud. In short, it is what your people would call acid"

Clarke stared at me as she joined the dots up. She looked close to horrified. Perhaps she believed my people barbaric again for having done this to eko. For doing it to her. Certainly she was thinking in concern to the ice warrior because her gaze drifted over her shoulder towards Roan standing tense behind her. I peered over at the king too and found his eyes locking regretfully on hers. As if he was telling her he had tried to warn her of this.

 _We all did,_ I thought heavily while I pulled my attention back to Clarke. I had to look away again quickly seeing her eyes flashing. There was too much distraction in seeing her think it over.

I turned to the fire instead for the knife and saw it ready to use. I let out a deep breath as I collected it from the flames. I let the heat of the metal seeping through the wood in my grip burn a moment before I dipped it into the jar. A low sizzling sounded and bubbles fizzed in the surface of the yellow liquid as the hot knife reacted against it. I watched the two war angrily with each other before I returned to my explanation.

"I will coat the blade in the sap" I informed her, slowly stirring the knife, "When I cut you it will enter your body. Once it blends with you it will hurt. Greatly"

"Like burning?" she asked meekly, watching me coat the knife.

I glanced back at her. I caught her wince at the sap sizzling on the blade and I knew she was thinking about what to expect from this.

 _Maybe now she will take her punishment seriously,_ I thought watching her carefully.

 _Maybe now she will think she has had enough,_ my heart bumped hopefully.

But I could see behind her fearing eyes that Clarke was determined still to earn her forgiveness this way. She would not stop. No matter the pain. I held a deep amount of respect to her for it. It was admirable the same time it was stupid.

I nodded in answer to her and held the knife up. I stared at the yellow liquid running down the blade towards my hand. A drop fell away to land on my wrist. The sap burned hot on my skin, intensifying painfully the longer I let it peel away at my flesh. I tried to imagine how it would feel from the inside.

"Like your blood itself were on fire" I told her huskily as I wiped it from my wrist. I ignored the angry welt it had left me and pulled my eyes away to her.

Clarke swallowed but nodded at me. She looked to the blade another time and then held her arm out to me to begin. It shocked me her bravery in the face of this torture. Especially when she looked so weak.

 _Clarke is not weak!,_ my heart growled at me.

 _Thats the problem,_ I sighed back at it. A weaker person would have backed out by now. But not clarke. Never Clarke.

I nodded at the sky princess and rose to stand beside her. My eyes locked on clarke's a moment longer before I turned to face my warriors. I recognised every one of them. All were a member from each of the clans, with Monroh standing in as Skaikru's witness. Cain had hand picked them himself at my order, knowing that they were trusting enough to recount this night in full truth to their people. He and Roan were standing for their own clans, with Niylah and Jes stood to the side of them ready to be healers. The four of them watched me silently beside the others, their expressions looked grim in the fire's light.

All fifteen of the warriors stood taller under my gaze. Some watched the two of us solemn and tense, as if it were I and not clarke about to be cut with the knife. I looked down at her with a few of their mourning expressions and realised suddenly the love they must hold for wanheda. It gave me mixed feelings to know so many of them respected her and accepted her. As if she were one of us. Part of me saw it as a threat. But most of me warmed to know they gave her a place among us. As I tried to.

"Your people are waiting" she whispered to me when I continued to watch her thoughtfully. She was prompting me on purpose, encouraging me to begin before my people believed me to be deciding away from this handing of justice.

I blinked away from my thoughts and gave her a curious look for her choice of words. She continued to separate herself from us. She should know better by now.

 _You are my people,_ I thought to her while I lifted my head up and turned back to speak to the others,

" _Warriors!_ " I began thickly, "Tonight you few are all called forward to stand as ambassadors to your clans. To witness the commander's justice"

Twelve of them knelt and bowed to me then, as ambassadors should to the commander. Monroh quickly stumbled down too after a lost look to her warrior for guidance. I ordered them to stand after and continued.

" _As warriors we are bound by blood and oath to honour the alliances we make with others. To break this is to break our right to call ourselves warriors_ "

Some of the clan representatives nodded then, completely in agreement with their heda.

I continued, heart crashing heavier in my chest.

" _Wanheda betrayed those loyal to her. Those who helped her people, and our people, survive the mountain. She slew them with their children. Innocents each of them were. And yet they were killed beside their kin who bled us for so long. Who wanted to carry on bleeding us_ "

My voice had risen angrily with my speech, snarling almost. Thinking of the mountain men still caused a fury in me. I forced myself to calm as I looked around at my people.

"Some here would say Wanheda has done no wrong..." I saw a few nod. Roan was one of them. I drew a deep breath and carried on, "However, justice has been called. To kill a loyal ally in cold blood is a callous act. One that must be atoned. _So their spirits may find peace_. Wanheda,"

I pulled my eyes back down to her and raised the knife,

"This deed will never go forgotten by us. Neither should it be forgotten by you" I paused to run my eyes over her face before I asked her, _"_ Are you ready to earn your forgiveness?"

Clarke stared down at the knife in my hand and I could feel her shaking beside me. But still she nodded with her blue eyes set heavy on mine.

"I am"

I stilled the emotion flushing through me and reached a hand out with Clarke's answer. I gently gripped her shoulder and looked down at her to stand for me. She did but the effort made her shake. I prayed my warriors believed it was because she was cold. I wouldn't have them think she was weak. Not now.

Clarke stood tall opposite me. Her shaking lips were the only indicator to how much pain she was in. And when she saw my eyes lock on them she stilled them completely to hide her entire pain from me. Her control over it filled me with both pride and guilt.

Clarke lifted her chin. Her eyes were set deeply on mine while she waited for me to continue. The knife grew heavier in my palm. My mouth ran dry. A beg for her to stop this was clawing painfully up my throat but one look at her eyes again had me swallowing it straight down.

"May this free you of your pain, Clarke" I whispered to her and shifted my grip on her shoulder so that it locked her from moving away from me. I avoided her eyes as I did. I couldn't bear to see them on me now.

My fingers wrapped over her warm skin, accidentally brushing an inch over a high lash wound on her back. She gasped sharply for it, making me look back to her. I questioned then her ability to see this through. She lifted her chin and stared straight to show her readiness. Her eyes were burning again with that determined fire but she could not hide the way I felt her body quake beneath my hand. She would not stand for long. I would need to be quick.

I ran my eyes over her and decided quickly which places to cut. Unlike with Eko I did want this to be precise. If I was to scar her then it would not be ugly. Clarke felt pain enough over her shame and guilt. I would not let her beautiful body become an ugly reminder of it too.

My hand held her left shoulder tight while my other drew the knife closer to her right one. Behind us I could hear my warriors holding their breaths. Beneath my touch Clarke held hers. I tried to stop myself doing the same.

I held her eyes and kept my face blank as I let the knife slide into the skin on her shoulder. Slowly I pushed it deeper and drew down in a straight line over her collarbone toward her chest. She flinched in my grip and I felt her breath on my face when she gasped sharply out. I had been expecting her resilient silence though. It made me proud to see her refuse to cry out in front of my warriors.

I quickened my hand to save drawing out her pain and moved the knife out of her and waited. Clarke's watering eyes watched me back. She seemed confused for the lack of more pain. Her blue eyes swam at me in question a moment, as if she was thinking I had lied about the sap on the blade. I looked down to the wound myself. The blood ran fast but I could see the sap clinging to the torn flesh. It would be in her blood. It should be hurting her.

 _Any moment now._. I thought wincing in wait.

Clarke sent me a quizzical frown, "Are you sure-"

She stopped her question and suddenly her eyes widened. I tensed myself knowing what was happening. Her eyes left me quickly as she bowed her head to hide her pain from me. But I could feel it still shaking in deep trembles through her skin under my palm. I could feel it in her heartbeat jumping erratically against my left hand. And in my own thundering in my chest.

I quickly drew another breath and pushed the knife back to her shoulder, moving it a little over from the first cut and closer to her neck, to create another cut similar to the first but shorter in length. Clarke's skin flinched around the blade as the careful incision dealt her more pain. Blood ran down her chest in sticky red trails with my work. I looked away at its fast spill. I could not stand to see it.

I heard her hold a sudden scream into a muffled whimper while she fought the need to double over from the pain. Her skin continued to shake with the effort. Her legs too. I looked down to ask whether I should continue. She nodded and forced herself to stand straight again. My heart pined for her bravery.

 _Be strong,_ it whimpered to me to carry on.

Another cut tore open the flesh at the middle of clarke's arm, ringing across her bicep. Another followed beneath it. Her knees buckled seconds after and her hand came up to tightly hold onto my arm so she could catch herself.

Jes took a step forward towards us then. I could see in her eyes that her heart were set entirely on her reaching clarke. I shot her a commanding look over clarke's shoulder to tell her to stand down. I turned my concern back to clarke while niylah and cain pulled the warrior back into line.

The sky girl was whimpering quietly. Her weight was falling more and more onto me for support. My grip tightened on her with her low moaning and I let my thumb run up and down her collarbone in comfort while I looked down to make another cut.

The blade entered her flesh again, "L-lexa!" Clarke gasped and breathed harshly through her gritted her teeth.

Her hand held my arm painfully tight while I switched sides to replicate the cuts onto the right half of her body. Ignoring the sting of her nails puncturing my skin through my shirt I paused with the knife poised over the skin on her shoulder. I looked down at her. I didn't speak but she knew what I was telling her. She could still stop this now. This could be enough.

Her eyes glared angrily back at me.

"Keep...going!" she panted at me in a weak growl.

I looked down at her order to the blood on the knife and the smeared trails falling down her body. At her feet the snow was turning red again. I had to force myself to do as she said. Reminding myself that soon it would be over.

I gave her another cut and she trembled badly afterwards, body jerking my hand away from holding her up. I caught her elbow before she could fall and held her up, using her position against me to hold her arm steady for the next cut.

Clarke's other hand came to rest on the back of my hip with the blade's new slide across her skin. I felt her fingers gripping my shirt, twisting it in her fingers so that it rode up and pinched my skin. I shivered with the cold attacking my exposed back while she choked down another scream. It came out in half as a quiet shriek. Cracked in pain and caked exhaustion. I worried for it. She was surely losing control now.

I forced my eyes down with the sound and stared at her in secret fear for what I saw. Her eyes were squeezed shut. Her lip was bleeding from her biting down on it. Her face was covered in sweat with her effort to remain silent. I wished she would just cry out if it would help.

 _Clarke_ , my heart and mind pined at her agony. They begged me to stop. But I could not.

The sixth and seventh cuts had Clarke sagging against me. Her head dropped to rest on my shoulder while she convulsed into me with her next one. I felt a warmth spread along my collar and wrist as she pushed against me. A teasing warmth that dripped down over my chest and fingers in tickling sticky trails. I had to force myself to not look down at it. I knew what I would find if I did. I was scared to see it.

 _"Be strong_ " I whispered desperately against her ear over the talking of a few of the warriors watching. I held her tight and moved my footing to better brace her against me to keep her up, "Be strong, clarke"

Clarke flinched from my words and shook against me, making me shake too. Watching and feeling her like it made me regret not having her tied against the post. I had been too blinded in my concern for her back to realise just how much more dangerous it would be this way. I should have expected her strength to wane. I had been foolish to think she would take it as she had her lashes.

I whispered for her to stand up and when she couldn't I looked up to Jes and Niylah watching on with pale faces. Both were staring at clarke. Both were begging to be allowed to come help me. But I looked away to the two men standing beside them. I nodded at them instead.

Roan and Cain strode quickly over to us, both of them taking hold of Clarke's arms to keep her up. She did cry out then. Their hands pushed over her torn skin, pulling it wider and causing her to bleed heavier. I shot them both a glare for their carelessness and the looks I received back told me they could not help it. This had to look brutal. Wanheda's weakness was my strength after all.

I stepped back when they dragged her off me and moved forward again to wrap a hand around the back of her neck to make her look at me. Her tired eyes looked back unseeing as if in trance. They moved quickly about, seeing something that panicked her. I felt like whimpering myself. The sap was finally working its fire on her mind.

I ran my eyes over the rest of her face, checking how far gone she was. Her skin was turning snow white. Her lips were pursed thin to keep her agony in. A sweat was dripping down her temple and sticking beneath my palm on her neck, much heavier than before. She felt incredibly hot to me. Her skin resembled a candle flame right now. And it concerned me. I worried she was beginning a fever.

 _You must keep going,_ the whispers came harsh and cold. The commander in me wanted to see me finish this. I felt my hand shake on the knife in response. I didn't want to carry this on. I didn't want to continue hurting clarke.

But a commander doesn't act on what they want.

 _I must_ , I agreed using the commander as a shield against the girl in me screaming for me to stop already.

 _Be quick,_ my heart begged as it held Leska's agony for clarke's torture at bay.

I looked down to the bleeding wounds on clarke's body and closed my eyes to breathe sharply to myself before I forced myself to carry on cutting her.

Clarke struggled to stay still and silent for most of it. The two men holding her had to keep tightening their grip to stop her falling into the knife as I continued to color her torso with it. The cuts ran in threes up her arm in red rings, deep and bleeding heavily. Two pairs each sat over her collarbone by her shoulders. Their bleeding smothered her chest and stomach. Refusing to stop. I had blood on both my hands. My fingers and sleeve were soaked in it. As was Roan's coat when Clarke fell against him.

I looked back to her face with the last careful cut on her arm and decided where to place the last one. I remembered the brands and where I had planned to have them placed. The last cut would sit in honour with them. But for that I would need her back.

I peeled my eyes from the blood running down her skin when I realised clarke was silent. Deadly silent. And still.

Leska broke through in the seconds of panic I felt pulse in my aching heartbeat. She feared clarke's silence warned her fight was ending already.

I immediately turned my head back to look down at the sky girl. Her eyes were shut but her mouth was moving in silent speech to someone. Relief met entrancement when I saw she was still alive. My eyes followed Clarke's moving mouth confused for a moment.

 _The hallucinations_ , I realised staring transfixed by it.

I'd never seen anyone take on the fire dreams without being vocal before. As far as I knew nobody ever had. To see clarke so silent under the incredible pain coursing through her blood was something short of a miracle.

I looked to Niylah for a healer's explanation but the trader looked just as stunned as the rest of us. The other warriors began to walk towards us, cautiously coming closer for a better look. In their eyes I saw the same awed glow that I had received killing Nia. Their marvelling of her made my skin twitch

At my nod cain tipped clarke's face back to him, gently tapping her cheek to bring her round. The king pulled my warrior's hand down with a strong look at him to stop.

 _"Don't_ " Roan warned him seriously, " _You can't interrupt it"_

I ignored Jes' blatant begging stare over roan's shoulder for my intervention and continued to watch Clarke's lips form words and names. My curiosity for it was overwhelming. I wondered what she was seeing. If it was a memory being twisted behind her eyes or another of her nightmares. I hoped it wasn't the latter, though a part of me still wished to know exactly what she saw when she had those bad dreams.

The ice king looked back to me with eyes screaming at me to carry on already. I met his glare and pulled his grip off clarke so I could get at her arm. I gently twisted her around and handed her into cain's hold. I stopped the moment I caught sight of her back in the firelight.

Blood clung to every inch of her skin. No longer could I see the creamy pale that had slowly bronzed during her time on the ground. Only red. My eyes traced the zig-zags in painful repetitive circles, following the cuts sickeningly along the length of her spine as they slashed and dived into each other. I couldn't believe they were real. I couldn't believe it had been my hand that had caused this pain.

 _What have I done?_

"Heda"

I tore my eyes away from clarke's back to cain's serious expression. He whispered a reminder of one last cut. I looked down to the knife in my hand. To the blood staining my skin the same shade as clarke's back. My heart screamed out in pain. It begged me to stop. It could not handle any more of this maiming clarke. She had had enough.

 _Stop!_ , it pleaded with me, pounding desperately inside my chest.

I looked around at the warriors watching me curiously. I raised the knife over the manic tempo drumming inside me. I had no choice.

This time my head had to lead.

I studied clarke's shoulder and set the knife diagonally from her neck. There was only a small amount of space left before the lash that had cut through the length of her back interrupted. I had decided the brands would sit on the back of her right shoulder. As a mark for who she was. Like a warrior's clan brand. And this cut would brace underneath, holding them up. As a mark for how she had earned her title of wanheda.

Clarke shivered and loudly shouted out as I made the cut. I looked up briefly from my work when I heard her gasp my name beforeI forced myself to carry on. I pulled the knife into a curve and finished it quickly and motioned for cain to turn her. I stared into her eyes watching me unseeing and saw her talking back to someone, lips whispering over my name again and again. Like a prayer that might save her.

 _"Heda, the irons are ready"_ Cain told me pointedly when my hand rose to touch her cheek. I drew it down quickly.

I ignored him. My attention was set solely on the sky girl and her whispering.

She was saying more now. All were things I remember her having said to me at one time or another. I listened intently, refusing to lose even a single word. Some had been said to me before the mountain. Some after her return to Polis. In the glade. In my throne room. In tonDc. Before my fight. During our training.

I knew then that she was watching all her memories with me play out before her eyes. I was curious to know why. Why was I the one her hallucinations fixed on?

 _Because she cares for you_ , my heart bumped in weak triumph.

My mind cast it down. Fire dreams were not induced from those you cared for. They were made by those who tormented you.

 _As I torment her_ , I thought ashamed.

Cain called for my attention again and repeated himself when I gave it. I nodded to him and he left Clarke in roan's hold to retrieve the branding irons for me. The king met my eyes with a strong look when clarke fell into his side.

"She wont take it" roan told me truthfully.

He looked down in concern at Clarke sagging against him. At the blood filling the snow at their feet. Her face was so pale. As white as the snow falling around us. I knew he was right. Just the way Niylah was watching me told me as much.

I looked around to the clan warriors watching us. They were all stood waiting to see the final part of Wanheda's punishment. I knew if I failed this they would tell their leaders how weak their heda was serving justice to a traitor. It would encourage more traitors. It would encourage revolts.

And I could not let that happen.

Cain strode back to me with the irons in his hands. I felt the air next to me warm as he held the first one out for me to take. I did and felt all the warrior's eyes lock completely on me. The hot metal felt heavy through the cloth wrapped around it in my grip as I looked from the snow melting directly against its white end to the place on clarke's back where I intended to press it.

I felt my skin coil up. Already I could smell burning flesh. Already I could hear the scream she would give. Already I could see her stares for it in the days, months and years to come. She would hold these marks forever. And I didn't want that.

I closed my eyes and summoned the courage to do this.

 _Love is weakness_ , I repeated to myself over and over, forcing myself to believe it. My grip tightened on the iron but my mind was not with me this time.

 _Not this love_ , it told me fiercely.

"Heda?"

Cain's voice broke through the war waging inside my mind and I looked back to his strong look.

"They wait" he told me nodding to the other warriors. I looked too and saw their patience waning.

Still I hesitated.

My eyes were running over clarke. I could see she was at her limit. Any more and it could kill her. My eyes turned from clarke's husked panting to meet with roan's. He subtly shook his head at me.

I stood back in agreement with the king.

I would not do this.

Cain growled, "Heda, they will think you are weak!" He argued when I held him the iron back.

"Let them" I beckoned niylah over and then lifted my chin to the warriors staring at me surprised for my leniency, "I am still heda"

 _This will be seen as weakness,_ my mind warned despite its want to keep clarke from more harm. The commander's spirit growled in agreement. But my spirit, leska's spirit, the one I had before I was accepted by the commanders, the one that i thought had died with Costia but now breathed for clarke, that spirit disagreed.

 _To be lenient on this shows my mercy as a leader,_ I reasoned to the commanders inside me, _and my compassion. Not weakness._

"Its done" my voice was cold in command to the warriors watching me.

Cain refused to take the iron on their confused looks back at me, and when I turned to confront him I heard a softer voice call my name. I looked down to Clarke's eyes shining up at us. They looked in beg at me. But I refused to give her this. I refused to see her in more pain.

Clarke looked down with my answer and I turned back to Cain. Roan shouted suddenly behind me and the others gasped. I turned to see Clarke's body surge forward away from the king, using speed and strength she should not possess right now. Roan's grip on her slipped as she fell to her knees by my feet. She gasped a deep breath and reached up. I realised a second too late what she was doing.

"Clarke!" I cried over her pained shout as she gripped hold of the hot iron and yanked it and me forward.

I stumbled a step toward her and felt a pressure jarring my arm. I turned my head at her harsh breaths and stared in complete shock at her as she twisted herself to the hot iron she was drawing fast towards her skin.

She screamed out at the metal burning a circle above the cuts on her right arm. Her eyes rolled back. The iron shook in my grip. I immediately pulled it back from her and threw it to the snow where it hissed angrily.

Clarke's scream cut off into sobbing moans as she doubled over panting heavily. There were tears rushing down her face. Her back trembled and spasmed. Her breaths shook silver into the frosty air as she choked on more cries of pain and collapsed onto her side in the snow beside the abandoned iron.

I just stared at her. My mind was ablaze with my confusion for it all.

 _How could she have done that?!_

My warriors were talking behind her. I heard their secret whispers for Wanheda's bravery. And their voiced outrage for her cheating her punishment. They believed it didn't count. Just as they believed cain's disobedience would go unpunished.

"Silence yourselves!" Roan barked in command at them whilst he knelt beside clarke. He pressed a hand to her twitching shoulder and turned his head back to address them directly, " _Its done"_

" _Two brands were promised!_ " One piped up. I looked forward and recognised the man as Ivon of Delfikru. He walked forward under my stare and slammed his spear down, " _At the hands of Heda"_

His dark eyes made their way to me and he glowered in wait. The other warriors nodded behind him. Monroh alone stood against their vote. She held a pale face and was staring in shock still for her friend's actions. As was I.

"Unless the commander's justice is withheld from her friends"

I overcame my surprise enough to glare at Ivon and the others. Their heavy eyes told me what I feared. They all thought I would refuse this. Automatically I raised my hand for the other branding iron and my eyes turned towards clarke again. My glare worsened when she peered weakly back at me, telling me to do it.

I realised then I had no option.

I held my hand out to cain and accepted the second iron of him. He stood back once I released him of it and waited. I felt my fingers tighten on the branding iron at his show of obedience. Now he was loyal. Now he listened. It sent a storm through me.

I lifted the iron and in one swift motion I had struck cain around the head with it. He fell to his side in the snow clutching at his face screaming for the burned and bleeding skin on his temple. In my hand the iron sizzled and smoked with his blood cooking on it.

 _"Hold him_ " I snarled out angrily.

Two warriors leapt forward at my command and grabbed my bodyguard. Cain was still crying out as they hauled him to his knees and dragged him toward me. He looked up at me, eyes pleading mercy. My eyes cast over the blood running down his cheek before I turned away from him. He would suffer more later.

I looked back down at Clarke shivering in the snow at my feet. She looked pitiful. Not one ounce of a legendary god lived inside her now. She looked pathetic and weak at my feet. Like a traitor should.

 _Which is why she did what she did_ , my heart pushed trying to make me see reason around my fury for clarke.

I ignored it and let the commander take her justice. I would not be denied this. For making the commander look weak, the commander would make wanheda suffer.

"Turn her" I commanded sharply.

Roan looked back at me from clarke's side and I knew he would refuse to obey me. I looked back to Ivon and turned my eyes purposefully to clarke. The warrior bowed to me and pushed his spear at Monroh to hold. He came over to shove roan aside so he could grab Clarke.

She screamed out when he dragged her carelessly back to her knees. Her cries echoed even louder when he twisted her around and pulled her hands together in his to lock her in place. I closed my eyes to force myself to block out clarke's cries for Ivon's cruel treatment of her.

 _She asked for this_ , I told myself hatefully as I finally drew my eyes back to her.

Clarke was panting, hair sweeping over her face as she sagged forward into Ivon's grip. I strode closer with the new iron in my hand and nodded for him to twist her so her arm was to me. When it became visible to me I felt a shiver blow up my own spine.

Her skin had turned bright red. Blood poured from the cuts I'd made down her arm, stopping in places where the brand had seared them shut. The skin there was raised and swelling with the brand burned deep into it. The circle design stood stark and angry against her skin. Looking incredibly painful. I hated to see it.

Ivon yanked Clarke's head back at my nod and she shouted out angrily. I pulled her hair away from her shoulder before meeting her eyes. In them I could see again her struggle to see reality. The fire in her blood was making her see more visions. Warping her sense of what was real and what was not. It made this even the more crueler in my mind.

 _Be strong,_ I whispered to us both as I gripped the iron tighter. Clarke's eyes rolled into focus on me and for a few seconds she was entirely herself again. And of course she used those few seconds not to beg for me to stop. But to demand I continue.

She nodded to me, "Do it!" she growled in a shout when I failed to move.

I breathed deeply with my anger for her command and set the searing metal to her skin on her arm, overlapping it against the first.

Clarke screamed. It was a deafening and bloodcurdling sound that had me flinching away the second she made it. I pulled the iron away after only seconds against her arm and held it tight in my hand as I watched her continued cries. The sound and smell of her flesh sizzling had me wanting to gag in revulsion. Instead I forced myself to ignore the knotting in my stomach and swallow the bile that was coating my throat. Instead I made myself look down at her stonily, hiding every inch of myself beneath the commander while she observed her laws and her justice being kept. In my heart leska's screams blended with clarkes.

My eyes ran over clarke's arm with her continued pained howls. The new brand was bloody on her skin. The open cuts underneath it made it stand out. Its three points cut through the first brand circle at the corners and curved in smooth edges to form the looped triangle of skaikru. On its own it would refer to her as their ambassador. In its circle over the cuts it meant something different entirely.

 _The mark of wanheda,_ I thought bitterly as I stared at its bloody home on clarke's skin.

* * *

My fingers tapped the tabletop, slow and deliberate, while I stared at the blood coating her arms and shirt. There was too much. I knew that. It sent a shiver of fear down my back.

Niylah kept her eyes away from me. Instead she left them to stare at the floor of her post. Out of reverence or fear, I couldn't tell.

"Well?" I demanded.

Niylah swallowed and I saw her eyes rush about the floor, "She lives"

I felt my breath leave me. I had been so worried clarke had died. Her screams had echoed for hours across the post and had only stopped in the last minutes. I had feared for her spirit. So much so that I had abandoned a council with my leading warriors and the king to meet with the trader the moment the screaming ended.

I nodded for Niylah to continue her report.

"Her cuts have been treated," she told me impassively, "With the right herbs I might even be able stop them from scarring. The burns have been trickier but I believe keeping them under constant snow presses for the next few days should settle them. Her back-"

I stopped her, "What of her mind?" I asked voicing my biggest concern, "Has she spoken?"

Niylah raised her head at me and gave me a careful look. She shook it and I felt my heart sink.

"She sleeps. I think she will continue to for a while yet"

I nodded at Niylah and told her to inform me the moment Clarke woke up. The trader bowed and I let her leave. My head turned with her fast walk past my table to the rooms out back. She was eager to return to Clarke. It worried me that maybe she had lied about Clarke's condition. It made me want to follow her. To make certain for myself. But I could not. I couldn't see what I had done to the princess.

 _She will hate me for this_ , I moped in hate to myself, There is no way she will forgive me for this.

She might, my heart thrummed in hope. My mind dully accepted the comfort but continued to sink into further thoughts of Clarke's waiting rage. I could not believe she would accept what I had done to her. Even if she had asked and begged for it. Once she woke and saw herself she would hate me eternally. And I would deserve it.

 _Don't punish yourself_ , the strong voice of the first commander pushed once I closed my eyes. I ignored her and opened them again to the cold silence of the post. I felt her calling my name still in the depths of my mind, asking me to return to her. But I would not.

Clarke's punishment had ended. Until I had her forgiveness my own would continue.

The door opened on my hazed stare at the candle in front of me and I warily glanced up. I nodded to roan and allowed him to take a seat opposite me.

"I have handled the warriors" he informed with an annoyed look for me, "The next time you feel like fleeing from your own council please remember to warn me first. They did not take kindly to a king standing in heda's place"

I nodded, reluctantly grateful for his help, "But I'm sure the king enjoyed it" I mumbled staring down at the candle flame. In the corner of my eye I caught him shaking his head in disagreement to my low remark.

"I am not interested in being commander or king" he told me gruffly, "Clarke understands that"

I winced a little at her name. It caused me great pain to hear it spoken when I was trying my hardest not to think about her. Roan's eyes moved over my face a moment before he leant forward to speak.

"Heda, I have only come to ask permission to lead my people home. We have waited long enough. The snow is only thickening along the pass. If we don't leave now then-"

I stopped him with a raise of my hand and fixed him a calculating look. I didn't trust his impatience to leave. And I couldn't be sure where his army was right now. It would be easy to let him return to Azgeda. But until I knew where his army was he was going nowhere.

"You return to your home when I command" I told him harshly, every word and syllable dripping in commander authority.

Roan looked angry for my reply but nodded in defeat to it. I asked him then how Cain was. After Clarke had been carried away for healing I had turned in a rage to my guard and had offered his punishment up to roan as a sign of faith between us. The king had only been too happy to oblige me.

Roan looked down to the fresh bruises covering his knuckles before he reported Cain was alive. I hid the slight swell of relief in me for it. Cain had to be punished, but that didn't mean I had enjoyed it. Knowing he lived stopped the regretful itch in the back of my mind over it.

"Though he is currently licking his wounds like a beaten pup" Roan smirked at me. Clearly he had enjoyed himself beating my bodyguard. I stared vacantly back at the candle flame in answer. I didn't care for his amusements.

"What news of Wanheda?" He asked me with a nod out back.

"She's alive" I told him and gave him a cold look, "What of your cousin? I hear you managed to sneak a healer into your camp"

Roan's dark eyes locked my own and I could tell he didn't appreciate being spied on, "Maybe if you'd had let your trader girl treat Eko, I wouldn't have had to send a rider home for one"

I felt myself bristle at his retort.

"I am not obligated to help traitors" I threw back at him in a barely contained snarl. Roan shook his head at me and a disappointed pity took up home in his dark eyes.

"You would not even help your friends. Instead you continue to betray them. What kind of commander does that make you?"

My patience snapped then and I slammed my fist into the table and stood to tower over him. Roan leant back in his seat with a casual look for me. As if being threatened by his heda made him comfortable. It had me glaring at him.

"Eko stopped being my friend the day she betrayed me and killed Clarke's people. The same day she helped your mother conspire to have Skaikru kill us all. The day she chose her queen over her so called friends!" I snarled at him.

Roan's eyes grew colder up at me, "Eko was just protecting those she loves. Maybe if you had done the same-"

"Don't you dare!" I growled loudly at him in warning. I knew already what he intended to say. And I would not hold myself responsible for my actions should he speak it.

If he mentioned costia he would die.

Roan ignored me.

"If you had done the same, Clarke would not be as she is now" He finished with a pitying look to the way his truth broke straight through my anger. He utterly shattered my rage and all by saying the last thing I had expected.

I struggled to respond. I knew I needed to if I were to stop these wild theories of my love for Clarke. But I couldn't. I couldn't think past the truth enough to cast it aside. Because roan was right. I had admitted as much to her before.

 _I didn't mean to turn her into anything, I_ whimpered to myself remembering that moment of pain after clarke had nearly killed me.

And yet I had anyway. Just as I had continued to do again today.

If Clarke still believed herself to be a monster, it was by my hand.

Roan was silent. His eyes locked with mine in a long glare. For a moment I was torn between defending myself against his accusations and simply ignoring them altogether to wallow more in my own pity. It was tempting too to take his sword from him and slam it into his throat.

Footsteps behind us had me turning around. Niylah glanced between the two of us before her eyes cut questioningly back to me. It said she would rid me of the ice king herself if I wanted him gone. I sent her a look back to say I didn't need her help and she bowed her head submissively.

"Clarke is awake" she told me gently. My heart started pounding in response, "I fear your... talking.. woke her" Niylah glared at the king then before she met my gaze again, "She asks for you, heda"

I withdrew back beneath the commander's calm and looked away from her. My eyes returned to roan's concerned ones on the trader. I was bristling again. As if his concern for clarke were somehow a threat to me.

"King Roan," I met his dark eyes and gave him a strong look, "I have a task for you"

"Just as long as it doesn't involve me hunting for more of your treasures hidden here" he grumbled rising to his feet. Behind me I heard Niylah shift a little. Perhaps because she too knew what he spoke of.

I cast him a silent reply for his disrespect and set him with messages to send to Titus and Arkadia. Then I told him to regather the clansmen.

"Heda?" he questioned confused and reluctant.

"You wish to return home? Then we must publicly discuss our alliance with the other clans first"

Roan looked surprised but nodded. He bowed in submission and left quickly to see to it. I breathed steadier in the silence that followed. The edge in me that came whenever roan was about subsided, allowing me to think openly once more.

"Heda?"

Niylah sounded nervous as she asked me again if I would see clarke. Her voice enveloped my residing anger suddenly and pushed it higher inside me. Causing my thoughts to blend back to our talk this morning. And slowly my fury for her rebuilt.

 _Calm_ , my heart pushed gently when the anger built too high. It had me wanting to take up my knife again. It made me want to return to my questioning of the trader. It screamed inside me to be released in some way.

I failed to keep a blank face as I turned my eyes back to her. Niylah moved her gaze immediately to the ground, refusing to meet my eye because she knew what might happen if she did. Her submission to me settled the rage, but only a little. I was still so very furious with her.

I let out a steadying breath to collect myself and finally nodded in answer to her. I was not ready for this but I couldn't not be. I could not avoid Clarke forever.

I strode to niylah's side and met her eyes, "Take me to her"

Niylah bowed and turned on the spot to walk to the back of the post. I felt myself shaking as I moved to follow.

The trader lead me through the area where she prepared animals to a curtain guarding a scarcely lit room. She stopped outside it with a look for me to go inside. I nodded and watched her walk away before I entered the room alone.

It was small and crowded in candles and pelts. My eyes ran off the boxes of bottles and clothing to the small bed tucked against the wall in the middle of the room. There was blood on the floor leading to it, and boot prints stuck cleanly through it. I drew a deep breath as I neared it and readied myself to finally look at her.

But nothing could prepare me well enough for it.

Clarke was on the bed, laying still on her front beneath the furs that covered her legs and reached as high as her waist. She looked asleep. I stayed by the door to save waking her and just stared in shock to what I saw.

Her cheeks were red, flushed through the still raw bruises from her previous training with Roan. Dark circles line the ring of her eyes. She looked so tired, even though she were sleeping. Her hair was damp and thrown over one shoulder to save the golden tendrils from sticking to her neck. Wherever I looked on her skin I saw a bright sheen of sweat. It covered her as if it were bathing her. It made me worry for her body. Surely she was feverish to sweat that much?

I moved my eyes from her hair and followed it down over one shoulder. Her back was bare. The lashes slashed through it were open and angry still. The skin around them was red and looked sore. Cloths had been pressed to the deeper cuts in the middle of her back to stem the bleeding but I could make out the red lines dripping with fresh color down her spine. I let my gaze follow their criss-crossing patterns over her back. My hand tingled painfully in remembrance to making these marks on her skin.

Again I moved my eyes away and had to swallow the whimper I felt building in my chest when my attention fixed on the blood soaked strips of cloth that had been tied above and below the muscle on her left arm. My eyes began to follow deep irritated looking cuts up but I forced them off. I had to look away before I allowed myself to see more. I wouldn't stomach the sight of the brands.

After what felt like an age stood there staring I commanded my feet to move and silently walked over to her side to crouch on the floor at her head. My eyes ran all over her. In pain. In guilt. I felt so much shame. I felt as if my very spirit was breaking gazing upon her.

"Clarke" I whispered bowing my head to the hurt in my chest. I felt a tear slipping down my cheek as I raised a shaking hand to stroke her hair away from her face.

She stirred in her sleep at my touch and I quickly retracted my hand to wipe the tear away. Clarke slowly opened her eyes to me. They took me in in confusion for a second before a smile lit up the half of her face visible to me. It sent a bolt of heat through the ice cold in my chest but I refused to allow her smile to brighten me like it normally would. Not now. Not when I deserved nothing from her.

"Hey" she croaked tiredly.

I winced and looked away. My eyes crept over her back again and then down to the stained cloth tied around her arm. I swallowed imagining what the burns must look like beneath. Clarke watched me quietly. Her eyes dropping threatened her sleep again.

"Yes" she said when I still failed to speak.

I looked down to her smile again and shot her a questioning look. For a moment I believed her to be speaking to her hallucinations still.

She lifted her head to face me fully. Her eyes shone at me lightly,

"It does hurt" she answered breathing a light laugh that fell quickly into her flinching into the bed, "A lot, actually"

"Clarke" I breathed and shook my head. I no longer had words for her.

Clarke twisted her hand on the furs and opened her palm to me, asking gently for mine. I gave it immediately. She squeezed her fingers over mine and brushed her thumb against my wrist. It hurt how soothing it was to me. I should be the one comforting her.

"Its okay" she whispered tiredly. But I knew better. It wasn't okay.

Clarke pulled my hand closer to rest beneath her cheek and slowly dropped her head down against my arm. My breath caught in my throat while she closed her eyes and rested against me. I didn't understand why she would allow me to touch her. How could she possibly bear to even look at me? Why was she not angry at me?

"You're thinking too loud" she mumbled up to me.

I tipped my head at her. She simply smiled again, eyes still closed.

"You are not angry" I stated finally in confusion. Clarke's smile widened and peeled a little over her teeth.

"No" she whispered. Her voice had an under-layer of amusement inside it but I couldn't think why.

"Why?" I asked demanding an answer.

She opened an eye and studied my face a moment before she let out a deep breath. Clarke's fingers tightened on mine beneath her head and she cast me a weary look before she explained herself. I sat straighter, ready for her hate.

"You didn't stop" she whispered to me and squeezed my hand again, "That's why I'm not angry"

I frowned down at her. I still didn't understand. Clarke sighed,

"I got what I deserved today. Its still not enough to forgive what I did but it was enough for me to forgive myself a little..." she peered back at me carefully then before she whispered, "And you"

I stared back at her. She forgave me?

Clarke smiled at my lack of immediate response and nudged her head down into my palm. She closed her eyes then and I watched a peace settle over her while her body went limp. I was still staring at her. I didn't believe that scarring her had gained me her forgiveness. I didn't believe hurting her had resolved me of my betrayal on her. I just didn't. It didn't work that way.

 _Perhaps with Clarke it does,_ my heart whispered as it continued to race for Clarke's confession. I tried to believe it. But I couldn't.

I sank forward to my knees beside the bed and watched as Clarke slept. Her steady breaths gave me constant reassurance that she was okay. Her voice mumbling beneath them also gave me comfort. And her head resting along my arm, that gave me the most calm. I didn't believe she would touch me again after today. I had been prepared for her to tell me she was ready to go home to her people. And she might still tell me that. But for now Clarke still seemed to be Clarke. Just lighter in a way.

 _Maybe she did forgive herself today_ , I thought as I folded my other arm along the bed beside her and rested my chin down against it.

I studied her until the candles began to flicker in the corners of the room. I let my eyes move all over the soft features of her face in constant work to memorising every single detail. Then I let my head fall heavier against my arm. My exhaustion was preying on me the longer I sat there at her side without task. Four days without sleep were crashing into me. I could feel myself fall to it while Clarke tugged my hand closer beneath her. I smiled sleepily at her and brushed my thumb up beneath her head to stroke her temple.

 _Maybe you should forgive yourself too now_ , Becca's voice came to me swiftly once I allowed my tired aching eyes to finally close.

I let out a breath and followed her voice into my dreams.

* * *

 _I was stood in my throne room in Polis. I turned in circle to the empty room and walked to sit on my throne. When I looked up another was already sat in my place. My eyes shot in rage at the intruder but they fell instantly to the ground when I recognised her._

 _"Heda" I knelt bowing low to her. She laughed gently and told me to get up already._

 _"Call me Becca" She smiled and stood off the throne with a look around the room, "It didn't look like this when I was in command" She told me nostalgically._

 _I looked around too, confused. To my knowledge this room had remained as she had left it. It was an insult to the commander's spirit to make changes to the original commander's rule._

 _Becca tilted her head to my thoughts and beckoned me forward. When I move to stand in front of her she ran her eyes all over me. I felt myself stand taller under her scrutiny. As if not to would make me less of a person in her eyes._

 _"You know what I love most, Leska?" I shook my head at her. She smiled at me, "When humanity proves me right"_

 _I frowned back at her, "I don't understand"_

 _Becca shook her head to herself still smiling and paced around me._

 _"When I first...came here.. It was to help make the world better. To help humanity reach higher things. For decades I have had to watch commander after commander take my teachings and turn them into new reasons to project themselves as gods among their people" Becca sighed in distaste and then looked up at me with bright eyes, "But then you became commander. I know now I have been right all these years. There would be one star in the dark. One commander to save us. I just had to wait for her"_

 _I felt myself become embarrassed with her appraisal. To know the first commander had been waiting for me was too much of an honour for me to accept so easily. It had me fumbling to reply to her. I bowed my head to her instead, hoping it would be a suitable answer. Becca accepted it with a happy smile._

 _"When you came here..." I repeated looking down at the ground thoughtful, "You mean when you founded Polis?"_

 _Becca smiled at me like a mother to a child saying amusing things. She shook her head at me._

 _"I mean when I crashed Polaris"_

 _I stared at her. I didn't know what she was speaking of. What was Polaris?_

 _The first commander watched me with a sadder smile and waved her hand at my muddling it over in my mind. She turned back towards the throne and gestured for me to join her. I expected her to sit on it but instead she sat in front of it. After another wave forward I sat down beside her on the dais with questions still weighing on my mind. She glanced back at me with the loudest one and chuckled gently._

 _"You want to know why clarke is the key" She voiced for me._

 _I nodded. I had thought hard about our last conversation. But I still failed to understand Clarke's place in our goal for peace._

 _"You want your people to live in peace. As a commander that is always the end goal. Without clarke this cannot be achieved"_

 _"Why not?" I asked turning to face her fully, "You mean to say our people have waited for the birth and fall of a sky princess?"_

 _Becca eyed me shrewdly, "Our people have waited for someone smart enough to lead them. That is you. And that is Clarke"_

 _I stared at her, "You mean for me to share my seat as commander?!" I growled at her. She laughed gently._

 _"Does this affect your plans?" she asked tilting her head with a smirk, "You said it yourself. Clarke elevates herself"_

 _"Not to the throne of polis!" I retorted angrily._

 _Becca nodded but only to calm me. Not in agreement. I looked away from her. I was angry she'd assume me weak enough to hand my power to another. Even if they were clarke._

 _"Not to the throne" she agreed in a calm tone, "But maybe beside the throne.." I turned my head back to her and she locked my eyes seriously, "You were thinking of an offer for her. Make it. Give clarke the one thing that would protect her from everybody. Keep her by your side"_

 _I shook my head at her, "I cannot give her that deal anymore"_

 _I looked down at my hands with my heavy heart. I knew what was right to do now. What I should have done in the beginning. It just pained me deeply to see it done._

 _"Clarke will go home to her people" I told becca in a miserable voice I could not hide from her, "That is what she wants now"_

 _Becca shook her head at me. Her brown eyes darkening in their pity for me._

 _She whispered softly to me, "You are so deep inside your guilt you cannot see"_

 _"See what?" I snapped annoyed._

 _Becca didn't say. She stood up and looked down at me with those pitying eyes._

 _"I know you have had a hard time as Heda. I know of some of the hardships you have been through. Titus has tried to protect you by having you close yourself to what you feel. But to ignore your heart now is to be reckless"_

 _She stared down at me and raised a hand to my cheek. She held my face in her palm with a strong look for me. In it I felt both scolded and protected,_

 _"Prove me right, Leska"_

 _She dropped her hand and turned. Becca began to walk away from me. I scrambled up and after her and made to follow. I had to apologise for my rudeness. I had to ask her about the prophecy. I needed her help._

 _Becca left the room ignorning my calls for her. I quickened my pace after her but was barred by the guards at the door. I told them to stand down but they refused me. Instead they pushed me back with force, knocking me away from following the first commander with heavy shoves that had me flying backwards._

 _I was thrown to land on my back on the floor just as a scream echoed through the room._

* * *

I startled awake at a hard pressure holding my hand down. I lifted my head up and saw clarke shaking on the bed in front of me, her hand clutching mine tight while she whimpered into the furs. My eyes drifted across her laying oddly on her side and I realised she had unknowingly tried to roll in her sleep. And I knew she could not stay in such a position with her back so hurt.

I raised myself over her and reached out to her. I forced my eyes to stay on her face as I gently manoeuvred her back onto her stomach. Though the desire to look filled me with a dark heat I could not so easily ignore.

Clarke cried out only once as my hands touched on her body to bring her back to her front. But she held no struggle with me. Instead she seemed content enough to lay as she had before. I let out a breath of relief when it was done and settled back beside her. She seemed at peace enough now. I would not tempt fate with waking her.

My eyes returned to their study of her face while I waited for her to wake again. Piece by piece a collage of her was being built inside my memory. I would look at it for days to come. When she left my side to be with her people and I was alone again. I would think of her and remember exactly the fine detail of her beautiful face.

It was as I began stroking a line up and down her cheek with the pad of my thumb that I realised I was being watched. My head flew to the left to the intruder standing behind me at the door. I barely managed to take my hand away from my knife when Niylah looked back at me.

 _"May I come in, Heda?"_ She asked.

I looked down to the bowl of water in her hands and realised she meant to wash Clarke's wounds. I tucked my anger for her aside and nodded to her in permission.

" _Has she woke yet?"_ niylah asked looking over Clarke's back with skilled eyes. I shook my head and niylah nodded, "I thought as much. The pair of you seem exhausted"

I turned my eyes to glare at her when I understood her. She had watched the two of us.

" _A healer and a spy. I didn't know traders were so multi-talented_ " I seethed under my breath. I settled my eyes back on Clarke to settle a calm in myself. I didn't want to come to blows with the trader over her here.

"I did not spy" Niylah told me in defence, "I came to check on wanheda and saw you asleep beside her. I did not want to disturb your peace so I left"

I tilted my head at her and was about to throw a retort back when Clarke's hand shifted in mine. I looked down to her as she let out another whimper and brought my hand to her face. My breath staggered feeling Clarke's lips brush the back of my hand but I refused to show any emotion for it. Not when Niylah was watching me so closely.

She settled again after, whimpering in her sleep every so often while niylah continued to clean the blood from Clarke's back. I was silent beside her.

" _She sleeps better in your presence_ " The trader commented softly after a moment of studying the girl's back.

I glanced back to her and then away again. Secretly my heart hummed to know. Niylah smiled a little to herself at whatever she saw glowing in my eyes as I looked down at the girl.

"Will she wake today?" I asked shifting my eyes painfully away from Clarke. I needed to know she would be completely alright. I needed to speak with her about this, and the true extent of her forgiveness to me. I needed her to be awake so this constant fright in me for her would cease.

Niylah glanced down at Clarke. I saw her chest heave with a deep sigh. I felt a tingle of uncertainty rush through my fingertips at that look she gave the girl between us.

"I do not know, heda. Perhaps"

Her smile tried to reassure me but it did nothing but anger me. I looked away from the trader and about the room to distract myself from seeing her hands touching Clarke. It brought on that jealous rise in me seeing her fingers moving where mine could not.

I stared at nothing in particular, letting my mind run dry before a sudden realisation took hold of my attention.

 _It happened here.._

I looked down to Clarke laying on the bed. To niylah sat beside her. I felt disgust in myself for the thoughts rushing around in my head at the soft look she gave Clarke as she whimpered against niylah cleaning her wounds. I couldn't help but see it all play out in front of me. Clarke and niylah.. One of them pressed into the furs, kisses being heavily exchanged, while the other...

 _Stop!_ My heart screeched at me. I heeded its pain and stood.

Niylah looked up at me in concern. She asked if I was alright. I hid my anger and my pain and calmly told her to inform me again when Clarke woke. She nodded back at me and promised. She would tell me the second Clarke opened her eyes.

"I will be in a council" I told her sternly with a look back at her, "Do not let it stop you telling me she is awake"

Niylah nodded. She understood.

I looked down at the sky princess then and brushed my thumb along her hand holding mine before I gently peeled it away from under her head. My chest ached with my slow move away from the bed. I did not want to leave her side. But I had to.

 _Stay strong, Clarke_ , my heart whispered to her in plea.

I turned then, heart and mind working in one to distract me from my continued torment. I shouldn't have let myself think it was over easily.

Clarke's punishment was over.

Of course mine was not.


	21. Chapter 21

**_When The 100 finishes its season and you're not quite sure what to do with your life now.._**

 ** _Hey Kru! The update is super long today because Im a sucky writer who abandoned you for 5 weeks! :/ Big sorry guys! I apologise if it sucks but this is as good as my writer's blocked brain can handle around everything else right now._**

 ***Notes here and notes downstairs!*;** **There will be a teeny section at the end of today's update to translate the bits of Trigedasleng dotted about. Thats right! I learnt a made up language for you!**

 _ **Reviewed!:**_

 _ **Jedi Caro: You're all too addicted to jealous lexa ^^**_

 _ **mb168 & chrissiewill: Here's your more! **_

_**Eliqueeetric: It seems with every review your username gains an 'e'... But anyway, I hear you! Clexa Vs Niylarke? Who does want to wait?!**_

 ** _Sailor Sayuri: Clarke's too brave for her own good. But thats why we love her.. Lexa's having a rough time but things have to start getting better now, right?_**

 ** _DearWriter: Another one for a review trophy! I hope my email didn't bore you ^^_**

 ** _SkyWanheda: I'm glad you're enjoying the story! More is coming, don't worry!_**

 ** _Leodawn83: Angst is how I do but I promise it won't be forever. Forgiveness is just the start though.. Music makes the world go round. I'm glad I can help your playlists grow ^^_**

 ** _Guest numero uno: Wow works for me. So does incredible. Welcome to the kru :)_**

 ** _Guest noma tu: What can I say, punching is fun. Did clarke fully forgive Lexa? All I can say is, redemption ain't an easy game to play.. Thanks for the review!_**

 ** _Melday7: Lexa will always put Clarke before herself. Clarke will always do what she thinks is right. Maybe she'll stay. Maybe she won't. But never underestimate Clarke's ability to read Heda. Cheers for reviewing!_**

 ** _Guest 3: I have no idea if you were secretly one of the guests who reviewed before but, meh, have another if you are. I'm picking it up dw. There's always more :)_**

 **Guest 4: Its still surprising me how quick people read this story. I'm glad you loved it!**

 **Need a new song? : Bones by DeYarmond Edison.**

* * *

 ** _We fight together..._**

* * *

 ** _Clarke._**

I could hear talking. Gentle voices speaking even gentler somewhere above me. Hushed like they didn't want me to hear them. Like they were scared I would. It sparked a light in my otherwise dark mind, rousing me with an ache of curiosity. I tried to follow it but a weak voice at the back of my mind told me to forget about it. And I almost did. I was so close to letting the thick blanket of dark steal me back. But then the voices trickled through the black and teased me up again.

Reluctantly my mind gave me up and allowed me to follow the strange light hovering just out of reach. The rest of me seemed to wake up too, until going back to the dark was a lost option.

The first thing I registered was soft. Something really soft. Pressing up against the length of my body like a cloud of warmth I wanted to cling to. I couldn't figure out what it was exactly but I was far from caring when it felt so nice.

The second was a strange smell that came with the soft. Strong. Musky. It tickled my nose and brought a sharp cloggy sting to the back of my throat. When I tried to escape it the smell grew. As if it were being squashed against my face. I couldn't quite place it but I knew I had smelt it many times before. On myself. On others. But what was it?!

I put aside the vague itch to know to investigate something else coming to life under my senses. I registered a numb sensation that concentrated mainly on my back in ice cold patches. Like I'd been leaning against a wall long enough to make my spine go dead. I could feel the tickle of something running down my sides from it, like thin threads that dragged slow over the surface of my skin. It felt incredibly uncomfortable but I couldn't seem to stop it. I felt too heavy.

I felt a sudden throbbing inside my chest that only drummed faster when it smelt my weakness. But I couldn't focus enough to care about it or why I suddenly couldn't move. All I was concerned about was the voices I could still hear whispering somewhere above me.

My head felt too heavy and too thick with fog to recognise them or what they were saying. But I could tell the tone in them. One was quiet and telling the other something that made them sad. The other voice was stronger and spoke louder than the first. Determined. Barking almost at the first. Were they mad? At what?

I tried to lift my head and open my eyes to catch a glimpse of the people speaking. But my body betrayed me completely. It wasn't ready to return to moving about just yet. I could only stay still and listen on in frustration as the warbled sounds slowly grew sharper to my ears.

 _They sound familiar,_ I thought aggravated with my slow ability to put names to the voices. I tried to bring up faces of people I knew so I could figure out who could be talking above me right now. But even that seemed like too much of a chore for my stupid head. I gave up quick enough when trying to fight it made me dizzy.

A creaking sound drew close over to me and a pressure touched my temple suddenly, pressing me down further. I wanted to scream at the sharp pain it forced on me. I wanted to shout at whoever it was to stop. The pain was far too much for me to take. It sent flashes of white and red through the dark, making my head spin faster. I wanted to be sick.

 _Stop_! I whimpered pathetically, feebly trying to command my body to wake up so I could fight the pain away. Traitorously it ignored my pleas entirely.

Just when I thought I would drown in the fire burning me up a voice broke through it in an even and soft cadence that pulled the hurt down a little. I turned towards it, following it through the dark. It niggled me immensely. It was so familiar and was soaked with so much worry it made me forget anything else. I wanted to help them. I wanted to stop them worrying.

A trickle of words managed to break through the fog weighing me down with my anxiety.

"Em's don fleim op"

The pressure left me alone then and the pain slowly receded into an ebbing throb in the back of my skull. The urge to vomit passed and a quick chill passed over me instead. I felt the shaking feel of my skin shivering but my mind didn't register the usual twitch and tickle it normally would. Instead it was a numb weight rolling past my neck and over the ice on my back. It felt incredibly unpleasant.

More whispers came then, as if in reaction to me. I wanted to groan out at the voices still speaking, at the strange things they said. But my voice wouldn't work. I could only stay still and listen.

I could hear them clearer now. More words began to fall away from the blur of their voices. But I still couldn't understand them. It built a deep pressure of frustration in the back of my mind.

 _What are they saying?!_

I pushed through the darkest part of my head and forced the fog to clear a little so I could understand. Not knowing what was being said sent a wave of stress through me. Instinctively it made me panic for my safety.

"Nau get yu daun. Em ste yuj" the second voice reassured. I heard the first scoff.

" _This isn't about_ em uf"

My ears perked up hearing familiar words finally and I breathed a sharp breath knowing my brain was working again. The two people above me stopped talking at my loud inhale and I felt more pressure on my face and shoulder. I moaned out, in pain for the weight pinning me down again and the relief that I still had a voice.

"Yu don _saying_?" the second voice said smugly. It sounded closer. Right by my ear.

"Shof op, Niylah. _This is serious"_

 _Niylah.._. I chewed the name over in my head and felt a flash of relief ride inside me when I remembered who that was. Immediately I felt my stress fall away. Niylah was a protector. Niylah was a friend. I was safe.

The painful pressure left my face again and I heard the creak of floorboards as someone took a step back from me.

 _"You are always serious,_ " Niylah returned to the other voice.

My heart bumped when my brain agonisingly registered that Niylah hadn't just switched to english suddenly. I had understood her fully.

I heard somebody lean closer again and felt myself overcome with their scent suddenly. It jolted my senses and startled my brain awake in a quick pull to the surface. My body became less heavy. It wanted me to wake up this time. Because it knew that smell. But I was scared to test myself. Scared that this was some cruel joke to make me feel worse.

 _Just open your eyes, dummy_! I growled at myself.

I did.

And the moment I did I wished I hadn't.

A sharp light stung at my eyes, forcing them shut again. In the brief moment of having them open I'd seen a whirling of colors blur around me, making me feel nauseous again. A heavy weight grabbed at me and threw me back to the safe dark space I'd been hiding in before. Protecting me from more hurt. I groaned loudly for the dizziness I felt from the sudden drag down.

"Ste em ait?" The first voice asked in deep concern.

I let out a soft whimper when hearing the funny words again put me back to square one. I'd been so damn close to beating this.

A gentle touch swept over the side of my face, just brushing my skin and tickling my cheek. I slowly breathed in it's soothing warmth and greedily drank in the scent that flooded over me again. It felt comforting. And it smelt so familiar.

I inhaled again and a sharp image of the forest came to the front of my mind. Pine. Thats what it smelt like.

Their touch drifted down near my chin and across the side of my neck. I felt my skin prickle with the shiver shaking down my back. A soft chuckle followed my hitched breath in with it.

"Sha" came Niylah's amused reply.

The smell disappeared suddenly. I wanted to stretch up after it. But I couldn't. My body was like stone. Too heavy and limp. Another growl of frustration was building in my chest for it.

"Heda don gaf in krom _know she_ ste _awake_ " Niylah was saying, " _Stay here._ Ai don go"

At their mention of Heda I snapped my eyes open again. Heda was important. Heda was something my heart wanted me to wake up to. It yearned for it. And if the flash of green screening quick through my mind in response was anything to go by, so did my head.

I drew a deep breath and forced my eyes to see past the painful light to focus on the blurry outlines in front of me. The moving blobs slowly sharpened as my focus zeroed in on them and soon I realised I was watching Niylah, stood with her back to me and speaking to another grounder that her body hid from my view.

I listened to her speak with the grounder and I stared at the blood trailing along the hem of her shirt and down the side and back of her pants. They were stained dark with it. Drenched in places. Smeared fingerprints covered her. My body ached lowly seeing it, knowing that the blood had been stolen from it.

My eyes drifted with difficulty down to the block of white peeping in the corner of my eye. I stared at the cloth covering my arm. The middle of it was stained the same color as niylah's pants. Red. And dripping.

I frowned a moment begging myself to remember.

 _Did I get hurt?_

A flash of memory hit me hard at my request, jolting me.

 _A scream echoing through the snow.. Green eyes hesitating over me.. The lick of warmth in the air growing hotter the closer it got to my already burning skin.. And a pain so intense it felt like my body had been wrapped in fire._

A real fire rushed through the sleeping parts of my mind with the memory, harshly forcing it awake. It burned brightest on my arm beneath the cloth. Like the limb was reliving its torture. I moaned out with the pain but stopped at the fluff brushing my mouth. I coughed, wheezing on the musty smell again, and looked down at my bedding. Fur. That was what it was.

Niylah was speaking faster now with a tone of instruction and it made me look back at her. She held a commanding stance as she waited for the other grounder to agree to her orders before she left my line of sight. I felt unsafe the second she left me with the other grounder. I didn't know their name. I couldn't see their face. I didn't know if I was protected in their company. I began to silently panic again.

I raised my head a little to peer over at them and let out a sharp cry when a fire tore down my back. My body fell slack into the soft material beneath me and I felt a sob shake through me. I tried to swallow it down. I couldn't look weak. But my body wanted what it wanted. And right now it wanted me to cry.

The grounder had turned at my first outcry and was moving quickly to my side. When they knelt down I was suddenly inhaling that familiar pine again. It seemed to trick my mind into calming. Like it knew them.

I tipped my tear-filled eyes up and my heart swelled in relief seeing the dark brown ones of a friend looking back at me.

"Jes!" I gasped shuddering manically against the pain it gave me.

The grounder nodded. Her eyes flashed all over me. Her expression was one of complete fear and uncertainty as she leant over and carefully cradled my face in her palm. I saw her eyes quickly flicker over me and then she shuffled herself closer to the bed.

I whimpered out when I saw her attention lock on my back. She looked disgusted almost. Was it that bad?

 _Of course it is,_ I shuddered letting the tears fall.

"Its okay, Clarke. I am here now" She stroked her thumb across my cheek and the lazy pace of it lulled me a little. Jes gave me a tiny smile seeing me relax, "You're safe, brave one"

The pain in my back was growing despite Jes' effort to calm me. I felt my eyes continually struggle to remain open and locked on the warrior who was becoming nothing more than a blur to my hurt mind. In the back of which I could feel the tempting pull of darkness tugging at me.

I heard Jes say something else, but her voice was going all warbled again. I couldn't make out the words. It made my head hurt trying to understand her.

 _Just go to sleep,_ my mind begged me against the pain and stress flaring brighter.

I heeded its advice and closed my eyes. Though somewhere inside me I could hear a faint command for me to stay awake. But I couldn't see why I should.

* * *

 _"Jes explained this part to you?"_

 _She tried, I remember with a quick glance back at the warrior._

 _Jes had wanted to tell me. She had started to warn me about this the second I'd woken up earlier. But I refused to hear it. Lexa was the one that would do this to me. Lexa was the one who was going to tell me about it._

 _Jes gives me a short nod before I turn my head back to the fire. It says she knows I can do this. It says be brave. I turn away from her. I'm glad I have the excuse of being topless to cover my shivering. I don't want them to know I'm scared._

 _I watch lexa move the knife over the flames beside her, holding it out to where they burn hottest at the edge of the fire. I watch as a log breaks somewhere inside the inferno sending a spray of orange sparks fluttering up into the sky. I watch them reflect in her sad eyes as she watches the tip of the blade turn color. I can't help but think she looks breathtaking. Even with the task she's been set. Even with the sad pained look hiding beneath the calm expression._

 _This will break her, I realise, pain flooding through my heart._

 _You knew it would, my head tells me bluntly. Its harsh enough to get me to remember why we're here._

 _I sit taller on the log, ignoring the sting it pulls on my back, so I can look at her and show her I'm not as scared as she thinks I am right now._

 _I shake my head at her, "I wanted you to be the one to tell me" I tell her truthfully._

 _The commander looks back at me. She looks surprised. But she nods anyway and sets the knife down so she can speak freely with me. She holds her hand out and summons over a timid looking girl who quickly hands her a jar before she bows and retreats back._

 _My eyes lock on the jar straightaway. I'd seen it present at Echo's punishment. In it was the stuff that made her scream so bad. I found myself flinching off the log a little. I didn't like the look of it._

 _"Blades of fire is a dangerous punishment" lexa began nervously._

 _She rolls the jar between her hands with a thoughtful stare at me. She looks nervous, and on edge. I'd never seen her agitated before. And it scares me._

 _Shit, I think shaking, this is serious._

* * *

I slowly felt myself wake up. I slowly felt the tingle of pain return to me. All down my back and on my arms, and now on my chest too. The pain there felt sharper than the others. Like it was brand new and wanted to be acknowledge too. I tried moving so I could relieve the pressure on my front but it only irritated everything more. I hoarsely cried out and cringed into the furs, forcing myself to stay still even though everything inside me said I had to move from the pain.

"Shh" I heard above me suddenly and it startled me enough to make me freeze up.

A hand came down over my cheek and had me opening my eyes. Jes watched me back, gentle and careful. As if afraid she would hurt me.

"Jes?" I whined breathing heavy across the tightness in my chest.

She stared at me with worry in her eyes and pressed a cold cloth to my head. It was only then I realised how hot I felt. I focused on breathing steady as she wiped the cloth over my jaw and neck and felt with every breath the cool slick feel of sweat on my skin. Instantly I started to worry for myself. I shouldn't be sweating this bad.

"You're okay" the warrior told me softly and stroked my face again.

I found a strong comfort in her words but I felt my face scrunch with a frown while Jes' thumb continued to rub a soft line up and down my face. Something felt wrong. Her touch wasn't the same one my skin was remembering. It was different. But why?

I closed my eyes and forced my way through the fog blurring my memory, breathing sharper when it made me dizzy again. I slammed my way through it and was rewarded with green eyes, a sleepy smile, and a lithe body covered in black laying crouched so close to my own all I could sense was them.

A name rippled on the tip of my tongue and my eyes shot open with my scared gasp.

"What happened?!" I asked jes while scanning as much of the room my limited vision would allow, "Where's Lexa?"

My heart pounded beneath me for an answer. It was scared to know where Lexa was. I was so scared she had abandoned me again, or had been called to fight for her commandership. I could only remember a handful of moments from my punishment. But I knew at some point I had made her people question her. I'd made her question herself. I needed to know she was okay. I needed to know I hadn't caused more problems for her.

Jes tipped her head at me. She looked confused by my startled behaviour, "Heda is in a council of clans. She will return with Niylah soon"

I stared back at her, letting what she said take hold of my fear and choke it down. My initial panic for Lexa's absence slowed and was soon replaced with embarrassment. I couldn't help it. I was too tired to hold back my emotions and was far too weak to fight them all. The strongest of them won out. And, embarrassingly, the strongest circled heavily around the commander.

 _She's okay_ , my mind feebly tried to reassure my heart but it kept its frantic pace. It wouldn't be persuaded until I saw Lexa myself.

I looked down from Jes' eyes studying me curiously and took up a quiet stare of the furs beneath me. I could feel my cheeks burning. I couldn't believe I'd blurted out like that. I didn't want everyone knowing I had feelings for Lexa. And I especially didn't want Lexa knowing. It would just complicate things.

 _Complicate them more,_ I corrected myself.

"Clarke," Jes leant closer and the strong smell of pine radiating from her skin made me look back at her. She held my eyes carefully, "Heda, can't hurt you now. You do know that, don't you? You are safe with me. I promise"

I stared back at her, confused. Why was she saying that?

I rolled her promise around in my head and then I realised.

 _She thinks I'm scared of Lexa._

I wanted to shake my head at the warrior. I wanted to tell her I wasn't afraid of the commander. I was afraid for her. But all I could do was lay there and watch Jes' eyes slowly fade back from their brown glow into a more golden tint that suited her better. The tension inside me lessened a little watching the color change.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked unsure of what to do with herself under my stare. I realised then that I was making her uncomfortable and moved my eyes away.

I looked down at her hand after she moved it away from my face and looked to my own sat inches away from it. I frowned as I stared at the bandage wrapped tight across my palm and knuckles, and willed my fingers to move. They did, but slowly, and oh so painfully. I felt myself cringe into the furs beneath me and listened to the choked sobs climbing through my chest.

In an instant jes was leaning closer, hand touching my hair while she spoke soft words in that funny language again. I growled internally. I knew what she was saying but I just couldn't understand it right now. My brain was in too much of a stupor to keep up with anything. The frustration of it made my sobs grow faster. Until I was choking on them. The warrior tried to comfort me but her hand touching my shoulder only added to the pain I felt ringing through the rest of me.

"Jes" I coughed on her name with a wince when it hurt me all over. My throat felt raw and dry. Trying to speak hurt too much to keep up.

Jes stood straight away to get me some water. When she came back she gently lifted my chin and encouraged me to drink. I took small sips at first that turned into large greedy gulps when I realised just how thirsty I was.

Jes' hand stayed beneath my chin, gently holding my face up with fingertips brushing my throat as I swallowed mouthful after mouthful until it was all gone. She moved the cup away when I was done.

"Thanks" I panted heavily at her.

She nodded and wiped her thumb across the droplets of water clinging to my lower lip. Her eyes softened at me.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Like I just drank an entire ocean" I told her still panting to catch my breath.

Jes' smile lit her entire face before she shifted her features into a stern expression that told me to be serious.

"Tired" I told her laying my head down again. I let out a soft moan when my shoulder pulled and flexed an ache all the way down my back, "And aching" I added in a long pained sigh.

Jes' eyes looked down at me concerned, and her hands twitched like she wanted to offer me some comfort. After a moment of what looked like careful deliberation she rose to stand again and turned to walk out of my sight. My head lifted when I heard a clinking of glass somewhere in the corner and then she came back. Jes knelt beside the bed again and offered me a new cup to drink from. I stared at it in her hand.

"Willow bark?" I asked sniffing the new tang in the air. She shook her head.

"Something stronger. It will help with the pain" I eyed the cup suspiciously and she chuckled when I didn't take it, "You think its poison"

"No!" I squeaked quick to defend myself, "Its just-"

"It is okay, clarke. I understand" Jes raised the cup to her mouth and took a sip of the tonic with a slight smile for me, "I should have tested it for you anyway. Wanheda's life is much too valuable to lose"

I rolled my eyes and she laughed gently before she offered me the cup. I managed to raise my head a little more but not enough. I gave a tiny whimper of frustration. Why couldn't I just move right?!

Jes came to sit on the bed beside me. She whispered soft words of encouragement as she gently hooked a hand around the side of my neck and eased my head up so I could drink. The tonic tasted bitter on my tongue. And heavy after the water. It made me cough. Drinking it was a slow process but Jes waited patiently for me to finish it before she helped me lay back down. She smiled at my eyes lazily drifting again once I was settled.

"You are tired still" She observed watching me struggle to stay awake.

My eyes dropped heavier in answer. I felt her hand on my face again before I heard her let go a big breath.

"Clarke, you were very foolish before" Jes chastised suddenly. It roused me enough to make me look up at her. She was staring at the bed, angrily scowling at it, "I don't think you realise how close to death you had come"

I let my eyes close and mumbled back at her, "What doesn't kill you..."

Jes was silent. Maybe the old saying had died on earth and now she was waiting for me to finish it. When I didn't she let out another breath and tucked my hair behind my ear. Her fingers lingered on my face again after, shaking almost against my skin. It made my heart wrench thinking she was scared right now. That I had caused that.

"You are too brave" she whispered sorrowfully, "I fear one day it may be the very thing that ends your fight"

"Dying being brave?" I huffed lightly and felt myself smile, "Well, there are worse ways to go"

I expected her to laugh, or at least argue. But she didn't. Jes stayed silent and kept moving her fingers over my hair in featherlight strokes that had me close to purring beneath her.

She began humming after a while and I felt myself fall closer to sleep listening to her sing under her breath. I didn't know the words or the song. But it sounded like a lullaby. And damn it was working.

* * *

 _I'm not scared...I'm not scared..I'm not scared..._

 _The knife gets closer with its smoking burn and its acid coating. I can feel it's heat way before Lexa sets it to hover over my collarbone. My skin's twitching already. My body's already thinking flight over fight, trying to get me away from the pain it feels on the end of that knife. But I fight it relentlessly. I can't stop now._

 _Lexa's grip on my shoulder had been light but now its changed to a tight vice. Its cradling my shoulder and biting just a tiny bit gentler into my back, soft enough to avoid irritating the marks on my back but strong enough to stop me moving suddenly. She takes up a closer stance, moving to be right in front of me. Ordinarily having her so close would send me crazy. Right now I was busy fighting my fear to worry much about the dizzying effect of her body near mine._

 _She sets the knife against my right shoulder, taking in a sharp breath when she feels my skin ripple beneath the acid and heat burning into it. It hurts enough to make my eyes water but I keep silent, holding my breath to keep from crying out. Her eyes find mine before she pushes the point in. I can read the deep apology in them as I feel the tip of the blade force its way into my body. And the pain in them when I gasp out._

 _Lexa quickly drags the cut down over my collarbone and takes the knife back. She stands silent. Waiting. The snow swirls in the firelight around her as she looks down at me expectantly. I stare straight back through my quick breaths and shoot her a confused look. She'd said this was supposed to hurt. Like fire in my blood. So where was the fire?_

 _I started to ask her but I cut myself off when a deep burning sensation set off suddenly in my chest. The skin on my shoulder flared too. It felt like someone was clawing into my chest and shredding it off._

 _My eyes flowed with tears and I struggled to breathe right. My heart was racing beyond my control with the fire blazing wildly through it. My arm ached and screamed in it too. I understood now why Echo had screamed. I understood why she'd been pinned down. This is incredibly intense._

 _Don't be scared, I tell myself weakly around the pain._

 _I try but I know I'm close to breaking already._

 _C'mon, griffin!, I growl internally, She's watching you. They all are._

 _I look down to the ground to save Lexa seeing anymore of my reaction. I knew this was painful for her to watch. Behind me the warriors shift a little tense in the snow. Like they're still waiting for Lexa to cut me. Like they don't believe she already has._

 _Be strong, I think forcing myself to stay quiet, Do it for her._

 _Lexa must hear my thoughts because soon I feel her hand tighten again on my shoulder and hear her take a breath. I can feel her desire to stop already but she knows better. So she ignores the subtle shiver of pain my body has taken up to replace my screams and she takes it as an invitation to carry on._

* * *

"Jes!"

I jolted up startled and my eyes quickly snapped open with the new voice. I held my pained whimper and swallowed it back the moment my eyes fixed on the stranger by the door.

A warrior was limping inside to us. One hand holding a bloody rag to his head while he struggled to walk. I couldn't see much else. Not just because the disadvantage of having to lay on my front on a bed restricted my vision but because his face was smothered in blood. I stared up at it, trying to see through it. I didn't recognise anything of the man underneath until I saw the handprints on his coat and the sword hanging in his other hand.

"Cain?"

It couldn't be cain. This man looked like he'd been viciously beaten. Cain would never give reason to be punished like this. But that was definitely cain's sword. And hiding beneath the thick layer of blood and mud that was definitely his face. Just swollen and terribly burned at his left temple. I winced just looking at him.

His bloodshot eyes took us both in. He shot Jes a warning look and she moved off the bed and quickly backed away from me. I felt my hand twitch to grab her back. I didn't want her to leave me. Not with him. Not when he looked that terrifying and angry.

"Wanheda"

I couldn't help the scared jump at hearing my name. Cain's eyes let up their aggression then. He bowed his head low and gave me an easy smile to show he meant peace.

"It is good to see you alive" He calmly said giving me an honest warm smile, "We had been worried for a moment that your spirit had chosen today to leave us. I am glad for its decision to stay. And I should thank you for your bravery"

I shot him a confused look and his smile widened,

"You saved our heda a lot of complications by forcing her to complete your punishments. I dread to think what would have happened if she had failed them"

He came to kneel in front of me and bowed again. I found myself frowning at him. What was with the bowing all of a sudden?

I tried to peer over my shoulder for jes but twisting my head too much hurt. I gave up and relented myself to staring at Cain's face when he lifted his head again. I traced the blood around it with a disgusted swallow thinking about how it had happened.

 _Violently,_ I decided staring at the burn on his temple, _And in anger._

"You look like shit" I told him in a sleepy mumble. His eyes sparkled a little with amusement.

"It seems kings are relentless in their anger at times. But you already knew that"

I nodded, not really listening to anything he said. Something about Kings. Who cared. My head was too busy trying to pull me back to sleep. The tonic Jes had given me was kicking in. Already my body was beginning to feel light. My vision even swayed with how woozy it was making me.

"Chit ste yu du hir, Cain?" Jes asked the other warrior harshly. His eyes left me to look coldly back at her.

"Ai laik hir krom fis op!" was his snapped answer, "Chit don ai tol yu hasta belaik klos kom Wanheda?"

Jes growled at him and angrily snarled something back. I groaned trying to figure out what they were saying. My head hurt trying to keep up. It had all but given up translating their language.

Jes must have realised what was wrong because she immediately switched back to english.

"Heda will not be happy with your presence here. You need to go, Cain"

I frowned with my stare for him. Why wouldn't Lexa want him here? He was her bodyguard.

Jes came around the bed with her warning and stood in front of me, body tilted towards me so I could still see her. She had her arms crossed as she glared down at the man. Everything in her stance and expression said she was protecting me.

Cain glared back at her. Clearly he didn't like taking orders from anyone but Lexa. And maybe her guard of me insulted his loyalty to his commander. I felt my mind itching with warning when I saw his fingers twitch around his sword.

 _Please dont fight_ , I moaned internally, _Not here._

Footsteps in the hall crossed over whatever cain intended to say back to jes. Immediately he shut his mouth and sprang to his feet with agility his beaten body hid perfectly. He turned his head to the door, eyes watching it tense and nervous. I stared at him confused. I'd never known Cain to fear something before. It made me scared. I didn't want to see what would happen if Lexa walked in and caught him here.

"Jes" I whispered for her to stop this.

"Shh" she soothed bending to stroke my cheek gently to calm me before twisting herself back to face the door.

The footsteps came closer and all three of us watched the door tense.

Niylah was the one to stride into the room and a collected breath of relief left the three of us. The healer stopped at the door with a sharp frown that questioned the two warriors' immediate presence beside me. Jes returned niylah's question with an answering frown of her own. I saw her head move to look behind Niylah for something. She tilted it back to the other woman when she saw something wrong.

"Heda?" She asked with a confused lilt to her voice.

Niylah glanced down at me and shook her head. My heart had been rising slowly higher in anticipation but with her confirmation that lexa wasn't here it fell completely.

"Where is she?" I asked quietly.

Niylah locked my eyes before she answered me.

"Heda is in council. She will visit, wanheda, but only after she has finished discussing Azgeda's moving on. She said to ask your patience in this"

My head tipped up. My heart pinged curious. Lexa was speaking with Roan? About leaving?

Niylah's attention drifted over to Cain to avoid answering the questions in my eyes.

"Why are you here?" she asked him suspiciously. I saw her glance at his head, assessing it. If she was worried about it I couldn't tell. She looked pretty pissed at him. Like he'd wronged her.

 _Why?_ , I wondered and then stopped at the head rush it gave me.

The warrior glanced back at my low groan before he stepped over to the trader and bent his head to speak quietly with her. Niylah nodded after and moved to the corner to collect something. Then she came back to cain and slammed something into his palm before gruffly telling him to leave.

He turned back to me and touched my head gently, "Ai op odon em" He said to the other warrior before turning on his heel and limping away. I stared after him confused. What the heck had that been about?

In front of me Jes looked angry.

"What did you give him?" She inquired hotly, carefully watching Cain go, "What did he say?"

Niylah ignored her. She came to my side and crouched down. She asked me how I was feeling while she fiddled with something clinging to my back. I began to answer, giving her a calm okay in reply, but her fiddling turned to poking and prodding that caused a tsunami of pain to wash over my back.

I hissed out sharply and flinched away from niylah. Her hands gripped my arms, stopping me from rolling off the bed. Jes knelt in front of me when I started to cry and black out from the pain. Her hand took my undamaged one and she squeezed it gently as I struggled to stay still.

"I will take this as you are feeling bad" Niylah grunted lifting me up from my dangerous tip over the bed's edge.

I cried out as she coaxed me back into the middle of the bed and pushed me down flat on my stomach again. She cussed under her breath when she saw my back. I could only imagine what damage I'd done by moving. I collapsed against the furs in a mess of sweat and shivers. When I caught sight of Niylah's hand come away from me bloody I felt like throwing up.

I nodded in answer to her. I felt incredibly bad. She shook her head disapprovingly at me but I didn't care. Right now I was more concerned with kicking this drowsiness down so I could focus again. But it was hard. I felt like I'd over done it on the moonshine. Everything was turning fuzzy and gargled again.

"Where's this council being held?" I slurred over their whispering above me.

They hushed up immediately and I saw jes look back at niylah and shake her head. They weren't going to tell me. I blew out an irritated breath and fought off the drowsiness inside me to move my hands back beneath me. If they wouldn't tell me I'd find out myself.

Jes' eyes locked on me when I moved my hands. I saw her look confused and then scared the second she realised what I was trying to do.

"No, Clarke, don't!"

I ignored niylah and pushed myself up. My arms shook under the weight of my body and I gasped sharply for the hot pain burning like flames down my back. But I kept pushing up through it. I had to get to that council. I had to talk to Lexa.

 _Be strong,_ my heart ordered pumping faster inside my chest.

I was nearly sat up when I felt the grounders both grab me to push me back down. I managed to hold my own against them for a couple seconds but soon the pain got too much and I collapsed back against the furs in a mess of tremors and sweat.

I panted out and let out a choked sob of frustration. I hated this. I hated being so damn weak.

I felt a hot trickling down my spine and I shook scared to myself knowing what it was. I struggled to breathe while Niylah growled at me beneath her breath. I didn't understand the words, I didn't really care anymore, but I could tell they weren't nice.

"You were stupid to move!" she told me severely as she braced her hand against the small of my back, "It will take more than snow now to close these again"

My mind flashed with an image of a hot blade being pressed to my skin over and over again and I shuddered scared. It made my arm flare thinking about being burned again. It gave me fiery hot images of a branding iron coming closer.

"Stop moving, Clarke!" Niylah snapped at me pulling me harshly down again when I flinched back from her hands.

I tried to stay still but it was hard. Every time I felt her touch me, even the lightest touch, pushed another wave of agony through me. The tonic in my system didn't help either. It just made me feel heavy and drunk.

Beside me Jes was glaring at the trader, "She can't help moving when you are putting her in pain!" she snarled at niylah, "Stop dragging this out and just heal her!"

I groaned over the bickering that followed. It sounded like a stream of gargled noises in my head. Made me feel sick trying to keep up. I closed my eyes to it. Instead I thought about this council and what it meant exactly, forcing myself to focus even though everything in me told me to drop it and rest.

 _Concentrate!_ I growled at myself, pushing my body's need to rest aside. That could wait. My heart bumped hard in my chest. Starting a drum song that made me stay awake. Gratefully I let it bruise me.

 _Focus, Clarke._

I squeezed my eyes and blocked out the voices above me. In my head I was pulling together everything Niylah and Jes had said about Lexa and what was happening.

A council of clans was serious. I knew that from the previous meetings I'd be allowed inside. They were only called when the commander needed to discuss something big publicly for support.

 _Like war,_ I worried.

 _Like letting Roan go home,_ my mind tiredly offered instead.

I sleepily muddled it over. Was Lexa allowing roan's people to return home without her guidance to the pass? Was that it? Was this finally her showing Roan some trust?

 _I hope so_ , I thought warily as I shivered. I felt incredibly cold suddenly. Like the pain in my back had turned to ice and was spreading all over. I tucked myself some more into the furs, hiding in their warmth.

Above me Niylah's voice had risen in anger at the warrior, telling her to leave. Jes pretty much yelled back with a definite no. I whimpered to myself when their shouting gave me a headache. All this pain was growing and I felt so cold. And all they could do was argue over something as silly as who would babysit me. I wasn't a kid. I didn't need watching over.

I buried my face into my arm and whimpered to myself until I felt my body still. I thought about staying awake a second. The two arguing women above me needed to be told to shut up. But I knew they wouldn't listen. So I gave up and submitted myself to the dark again.

* * *

 _I thought the first cut was bad. The sixth one was excruciating._

 _My body gives out briefly as the knife slide again over my arm._ _My legs buckle and send me on a quick trip towards the ground. Lexa's hand holds me tighter when she feels me slip and on reflex I quickly reach out and catch myself on her arm. I wrap a hand around it, using it to anchor me in place._

 _I feel a resilience in her touch back. And another beg for us to stop. It makes me angry around the pain and I glance up to tell her no. But her attention has been called past me to the warriors. She shoots them a silent order and I can hear the snow crunch behind me as two pairs of feet move forward and drag another back with them._

 _I barely have time to question what had happened. The fire in my head takes on a harder burn and I cant stop the moan that comes out. I press my lips tight in an attempt to hush it down. But I cant stop the desperate thoughts that slide out with it. I want the pain to stop. I want it to go away. I was wrong to think I could do this. I'd taken it way too far._

 _Pull it together, Griffin, I growl trying to pull myself up again. But instead I fall some more against the commander holding me. I try to push myself back and stand straight. But I can't. My body wont let me be strong anymore. The fire already burned it out of me._

 _Lexa's already pulling the knife over my arm again with her thumb brushing up and down across my collarbone. Its relieving almost. I set my mind on the feel of her thumb moving against my skin. I use it to distract me. Lexa moves the knife again._ _She sets it to my skin and cuts quickly with the hurried pace of someone who wants this finished already._

 _The pain shoots through me again. I'd slowly been getting used to it but with every cut a little more took up place inside my chest. I'd been fighting to stay silent through it but now I can't help but whimper and gasp her name. I'm struggling to breathe. Struggling to know what the hell is around me. The world is just one big dizzying blur. Her hand on me is the only thing keeping me grounded._

 _Lexa shifts position when she hears my struggled breaths and raises the knife between us again. I cant help but stare at the blood soaking her fingers around her tight hold on it. I look up when she fails to begin again and see a begging stare facing me. She wants me to stop. She's pleading with me to. She can't handle this._

 _It makes me angry. Because she's supposed to be the strong one._

 _"Keep...going!" I growl at her._

* * *

A voice called through the depths of my dreams, pulling me away from them. I wanted to cling on to them. Waking up meant more hurt.

"Wanheda?" the voice asked out. It sounded nervous somehow.

I lifted my chin against the furs a little, ignoring their tickle on my skin to frown to myself. I knew that voice. But where from?

Silence answered me when I tried to search my memory for the answer. It wasn't going to help.

"She's resting" I heard told softly by gentle voice trying to be even more gentle with the delivery of its message. As if it feared the reaction it would receive in return. That one felt familiar too. My head tingled irritably when I couldn't name them.

The first voice said something else I couldn't hear and then I heard footsteps moving away.

The room went silent after and I took it as an invite to go back to sleep. My body pressed harder in exhaustion against the furs and I felt myself on the cusps of slipping back into my dreams when I heard the second voice speaking again. Closer and trying to wake me this time. I grunted in irritation. Did nobody understand I needed rest?

"Oh shut up, Griffin!" it threw back impatiently, a whole lot less gentle now, "You can sleep in a second. But right now I gotta force some weeds down your throat"

"Go away!" I groaned wiggling my hand against the stranger's fingers pulling my hair off my face.

I heard an exasperated sigh answer me and then footsteps leading away. I weakly smiled my victory. Now I could sleep.

I yelped out a second later when something freezing cold snuck down my neck.

I jolted. My first thought was to stand and brush the ice off. But I knew I couldn't. Instead I bared my teeth and clawed the furs by my head against the unwelcome cold spreading down my back and turned my head to shoot a glare at the person responsible.

Monroe's blurry outline slowly came into focus. She flashed a grin back at me. A small ball of white batting up and down in her palm made me swallow down the furious shout that had been headed her way.

"And there's more of that" she warned happily. I glowered at her, "Hey, I'm just trying to help. Niylah said you needed to eat this"

She threw the snowball down into a bucket sat by the bed and held her hand out to show me a red plant in her palm. I recognised it straight away. But Monroe obviously had no idea.

She looked down at it with a frown, "Whatever this is..."

I sighed, "Its seaweed" I told her but it didn't stop her clueless expression, "It helps your blood fight off toxins"

I held my hand out for it and she gave it over.

As I retracted my hand the cloth on my arm fell away. Niylah must have untied it to let the skin breathe. I felt the stinging scratch of the cotton slide over the irritated skin and I flinched. I saw monroe's eyes slide straight to my arm and I knew right from the way her jaw dropped that I didn't want to see it myself.

I forced my eyes away and focused on the moist plant in my fingers. I was trying not to remember my last encounter with it. Thinking about Finn made my heart squeeze too much.

I debated how much to give myself. We'd made Finn and Raven drink it. Eating it must call for a different measuring system. I thought about everything I'd been taught about medicines and then gave myself a quick assessment. I didn't feel feverish or whoozy. That was a good sign. I had no idea how much blood I'd lost though so that wasn't in my favour. Guessing from the muted pain on my back I could say a lot.

I frowned at the red plant and rubbed my thumb along the slick surface of it. Niylah probably wanted me to eat it all. I didn't know how long I had been sleeping for but I did know that I hadn't eaten in a while. I didn't want to make myself sick.

 _Half,_ I decided.

Monroe had walked over to me while I tore the weed portion. She picked up a fresh cloth from a box on the chair beside the bed and gently tied it over my arm. I looked up at her grateful and smiled my thanks. She shook her head back at me.

"You're fucking insane" she mumbled at me with a light smirk. I chuckled weakly.

Yeah. I was.

"I'm glad you're okay" she added even quieter.

I glanced away from the relief in her eyes and swallowed. It hurt remembering how worried she'd been before when she'd hugged me tightly goodbye. I decided to brush it off though. I couldn't linger on past emotions.

"Mostly okay anyway" I joked smiling when she rolled her eyes at me.

Monroe knelt beside me and gave me a look to ask if she could check the wounds on my front. I nodded and leant up a little so she could peel the thin fabric away from my collarbone. Her sharp breath in told me they must be bad. But I refused to look down at it and see for myself.

"Who were you talking to before?" I asked as I chewed a piece of the weed. I almost gagged. It tasted revolting.

Monroe shrugged and didn't say. I frowned but let it go. It was probably just a random warrior wanting to see if I had died already.

I forced myself to swallow and reluctantly raised another piece of weed to my mouth. Monroe moved back and watched me with a smile. As if she found it all entirely funny.

"That looks nasty" she said grinning as I grimaced and forced myself to eat more of it.

I hid a smile and held a piece out to her to try. She eyed it apprehensively and then took it to take a bite.

"Oh my God!" She immediately spat it out and wiped her tongue clean on her sleeve, "That is fucking revolting!"

I weakly laughed at her and took another reluctant bite. She continued wiping her tongue with a disgusted whine.

"How can you eat that shit?!" she asked watching me with wide eyes.

"I'm imagining its an asaipaw" I told her weakly laughing when she looked back at me as if I were crazy, "Hey, its either eat it or possibly die. I'd rather option A"

Monroe nodded, "Still fucking gross though"

I smiled in agreement, "Yeah"

I looked away from her smile back to the weed in my hand. My mind was tripping on flashes of scenery as I played with it in my fingers. Visions from my dreams. Memories of my punishments. Snippets of red and white. It made my heart race seeing them. Especially when I saw one that featured Lexa's scared eyes.

"Where's Jes?" I asked Monroe to avoid addressing the emotions building inside me.

I looked out the door a little worried. Last I heard she'd been arguing with Niylah. I hoped the trader hadn't banned her from the post. She'd just been worried about me. It wasn't fair to punish her for it.

Monroe quietly told me Jes was looking for herbs in the woods with Niylah. I nodded though a part of me was sad she wasn't around. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to reassure her that I was okay.

 _At least they're not fighting_ , I thought while I swallowed some weed again.

"Clarke, I gotta ask"

My eyes moved back to Monroe and I waited for her to work up what she wanted to say.

She blew out a big breath, "You did something, didn't you? After the mountain. With Bellamy"

My eyes slid guiltily away from her and I stared hard at the floor by her feet to avoid looking her in the eye. My mind whirled hazily in a memory and I had to wonder why was she reminding me of it.

Monroe ignored my silence and pushed on with her interrogation, "Thats why you did this to yourself, right? You did something and you felt guilty. Or.. I dunno, Lexa made you and-"

"I did this to show the grounders that death isn't the right way to hand out justice" I told her bluntly, cutting the conversation clean off. I wasn't about to listen to her blame Lexa. Now I understood her, now I'd forgiven her- even if just a little bit, I would no longer push the fault onto the commander. I was done with that.

 _She did what she had to do,_ I thought in line with my decision, _Lexa doesn't deserve to carry that burden anymore._

 _Neither do you,_ my heart tried but I ignored it. I was far from completely forgiven for this.

Monroe let it go with a deep sigh and a look that said this still wasn't over. I ignored it though. She didn't scare me and she sure as hell couldn't make me talk. I shouldn't have to explain myself. To her or anyone. I'd taken my punishment. Now it was over.

 _But its never over,_ my heart reminded with a squeeze. I winced when Anya's warning echoed through my thoughts.

 _You cannot undo this...You cannot escape it._

But I could try.

"You never told me why you chose the grounders" I prompted looking back to her to change the subject. I gave her an encouraging smile when she looked back nervous to answer me, "Must have been one hell of a decision"

She shook her head, "Not really"

That surprised me. Leaving our people should have been a big thing. But she was acting like it wasn't.

 _It wasn't for Octavia,_ My mind reminded.

 _Or you_ , my heart agreed showing me my walk away from them after the mountain.

I swallowed guiltily despite telling myself I didn't care.

 _That's_ _not the same,_ I told them both. But they continued to argue with me.

"Why'd you choose this?" I asked her following my curiosity again, "I mean, the training alone is-"

"Is an honour and I am grateful for it" she snapped quickly over me.

I backed down immediately. I could tell it was a touchy subject.

She saw me give up the conversation and sighed to herself. I saw her fingers drum along her sword hilt before she gave in.

"Skaikru never accepted me, okay? I was just this orphan that got in the way and caused trouble. Even when we got sent down here I was treated like dirt by Bellamy and the others. Echo.."

Her eyes touched painfully and I wondered if I had treated her bad before too. She avoided my eyes and continued in a thicker voice.

"I helped her at the mountain. I got her back to her people. And then when it was all over I went back to TonDc to on her. Over time she started to talk to me and we bonded I guess"

"And then she chose you as her second" I prompted eager to know how Monroe had been chosen for the place of warrior's student.

Monroe nodded, "She got attacked by another warrior when the bitch queen of Azgeda started problems. He'd nearly beaten her to death when I showed up. I fought him off and I guess she was grateful enough to make me her second. We moved to Polis soon after. Jes is always saying she had no idea what Echo was thinking" She mumbled off and stared at the floor as if in shame. I made a mental reminder for myself to speak to Jes about it.

"She doesn't mean it. She likes you really" Monroe shrugged so I added, "Besides, seconds aren't made through a warrior being grateful. If that were the case Echo would just owe you. You got chosen because you showed a warrior's spirit"

Her head whipped up, "Seriously?" she started smiling. I nodded.

"Ask Octavia. Indra told her when a warrior's spirit shows itself it has to be taught. I guess that's why Lexa made Jes take you on"

Monroe stared back at it and then asked, "So why is Lexa training you?"

"I'm Wanheda" I sighed back bitterly, "The commander of death can't be seen to have no fighting skills. Lexa probably wants me to do more than just look the part.." I played with the spare weed in my hand and frowned to myself before I quickly added, "But I'm not her second. At all. Just a sack of crap who's learning to protect herself"

Monroe smiled at me then and when I asked why she just shook her head at me.

"Hey, speaking of commanders...Did... Did Lexa.. Did she ever drop by or..?" I asked trying for a nonchalant approach and failing completely.

Monroe eyed me as she took back the rest of the seaweed I held out for her and she shrugged again. I huffed annoyed. That wasn't an answer and she knew it.

"Niylah said you should probably go back to sleep after eating this" she told me in monotone briskly ending our conversation.

I frowned as she set the untouched weed down on a tray in the corner and then took up a guard stance by the door. I didn't get the sudden change in mood. I eyed her hand resting on her sword and rolled my eyes at the hard look she sent the shadows in the hall before she turned to face them.

"You know you suit it" I told her as I settled back down. I'd give up on getting answers for now. It could wait.

Monroe's head turned back to me an inch but her eyes stayed focusing ahead.

"Suit what?"

"Being a warrior" I answered.

I saw her stance straighten proudly and I just knew she was smiling. I smiled myself and closed my eyes.

* * *

 _"Be strong" Lexa was whispering desperately to me, "Be strong, Clarke"_

 _I flinch back._

 _I can't, I wanted to scream back at her. It hurt too much now. All i could think about was giving in._

 _Lexa's grip tightens on me. My hand fists more of her shirt and make it rise up over the small of her back. My fingers catch hold of the warmth of her skin there and I clutch at it desperately. I hear her breathing deeply. I can hear her asking me to stand up. Begging for me to. But I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to leave the warm sanctuary that was her. I feel too heavy to move and her shoulder was a perfect place to keep my head. I felt safe here._

 _She tells me again that I have to stand up. Her voice holds an edge of panic at me. Her grip tightens to pull me up. I whimper and hide closer into her neck, drawing strength from the warmth and feel of her breathing against me._

 _Hands grab at me suddenly from behind and rip me away from her. I try to cry out but my voice dies in my throat. I can only pant around the excruciating pain burning faster along my arms. I want to pass out. My body screams for me to. But my mind is set on this. I wouldn't take the easy way out. I wouldn't be the coward. I deserved this after all._

 _The pressure on my arms squeeze tighter as I sway. I feel a warmth cup around my neck, gently pulling my head back. My eyes catch on Lexa's concerned ones a second before they swim to the space behind her. The space filled with shadows walking towards us._

 _I stare at them a moment and then feel my heart bolt the second they step into the light and I see their faces._

 _They're all the people I've killed._

 _My immediate reaction is to run. My body is humming with the need to escape. Especially when they start walking faster towards me. But I can't. I've been pinned in place. Locked down. With an army of ghosts coming at me._

* * *

I came round with a soft moan. My back was stinging sharply but it had nothing on how bad my stomach ached. I'd been laying on it for too long. It was begging for me to move a little. I shifted my shoulder back just a little to ease the pressure of my stomach for a couple seconds.

My body ached dully in response, like a grouchy friend telling me to shut up so they could sleep. I ignored it and raised a hand to my face. I felt clammy and weak. I could feel sweat sticking to the skin beneath my fingers. I could see it shining on my other arm beneath my head. Could taste it on my lips where they pressed on the skin on my arm. But the air around me felt cold, like someone had left the front door open. Somewhere deep inside my head an annoying voice warned me that this much sweat when it was this cold inside was a bad sign. But I was too tired right now to know why. I just wanted to wipe it off. I felt all sticky laying like it.

I pushed my discomfort aside and focused on my surroundings. It was dark. And the room around me was quiet. When I tried to lift my head to look around my mind twisted dizzyingly until I felt sick. I made myself lay back down and tried my hardest not to move under the violent shivers rushing through me. I told myself it wasn't medical. It was just a delayed after affect of my dream. It stopped me worrying thinking that way.

My eyes squeezed shut as I called the memory to mind again. I tried to understand it but all I could process were their faces staring hatefully at me through the snow. They'd all looked so angry.

 _But they hadn't been real,_ my mind tried knowing that it had been tricked before.

I cringed into the furs. Just because they hadn't really been there didn't mean it hadn't been real. Lexa had been the one to cut me but it had been for them. To gain justice for the ones I'd killed. In a way they had been there. All of them.

 _Don't fall asleep,_ my heart flinched in beg. It didn't want to see anymore of what had happened.

I felt tears fill my eyes. I didn't want to see it. But I knew it wasn't something I could forget. Eventually I would have to face this new nightmare.

 _Better get it over with,_ I told myself when fighting off my exhaustion only made me more tired. I wouldn't be able to stay awake. Eventually I would pass out because my body needed me to. I didn't see the point in fighting anymore.

I closed my eyes and waited scared for the dark to take me.

* * *

 _Dead eyes focus on me. Pale lips bare in angry snarls. All of them stare hatefully at me. Like they want me hurt. Like they want me dead._

 _Two stride forward as Lexa cuts another line on my arm, and my breath catches recognising them as the two boys who had followed on the ground and died for me. Because of me._

 _I squeeze my eyes shut watching them come closer. I tell myself they aren't real. This fire in my blood. Thats real. Lexa's fingers on my skin. Thats real. But Finn and Wells walking through the snow to me isn't._

 _Stay brave, my heart pounds scared for these apparitions. I want to be. But I can't help but cower when I glance back at the dead people standing behind lexa._

 _Finn steps forward and stares sadly at me. A flash of memory hits me hard, shoving me to my knees almost. I get pulled back to my feet but not before I see myself pushing the knife into his heart._

 _Not real, I tell myself. Its not real._

 _Wells moves forward and another memory hits me. I see charlotte screaming out as Murphy gets hung, confessing to killing my best friend._

 _Anya strides over with a glare and I see her shaking and bleeding beneath my hands._

 _I gasp out loudly and I feel lexa hesitate before the knife tucks back into my skin. I barely feel it. My head is too wild with pain to notice a little more._

 _I stare at the people stepping forward one by one. With every body I'm thrown a vision of how I killed them. I relive it. And its only Lexa's hold on me that keeps me from screaming out for the pain it gives me over and over again._

 _I look back at her, desperate to look at something that didn't make me see ghosts. Lexa's eyes flicker over my face. She looks calm but her eyes look terrified. She doesn't like this._

 _Be strong, they tell me._

 _I close my eyes and breathe deeply in. When I inhale I can smell her skin. Smokey from the fires and fresh with the snow. But underneath I can smell the faintness of the woods, rain, and the damp of the earth. The silent promise of safety and calm._

 _I feel the race of my heart slow and fade calmer inside its memories of me being alone with Lexa. I feel the pain in my body recede into a dull echo in the back of my head. In my mind I watch her smile and laugh and speak softly to me._

 _I open my eyes and watch more ghosts step forward. But this time my mind doesn't race with their deaths. But with Lexa. And I encourage it to shield me with her._

 _My eyes close in concentration and I grasp at the edges of those happy memories with her. I cling on for life. Because if this was what it felt like to die then I wanted to have her here with me._

* * *

Humming broke my sleep. But I felt too heavy to wake properly this time. So I stayed still and listened to the soft melody as it filled the air around me.

It sounded light with a slight hint of nostalgic familiarity. Listening to it reminded me of my mom and the songs she used to sing for me when I got sick as a kid. Thinking about it brought an ache to my chest and it took me a moment to place the feeling. Hollow and alone. I missed her.

A damp began to dab at the hot skin on my neck and the humming got louder the second I gasped and flinched away from it. A warm palm gently cupped my cheek. A calloused thumb brushed up the length of my jaw. I couldn't help but be instantly lulled by all the comfort.

I breathed deeply in against the hurt in my chest and there was that smell again. In my sleep heavy state I couldn't remember who it belonged to. But it was familiar. Wood and rain and earth. It reminded me of safety. It encouraged me to relax a little more.

I sunk a little deeper against the furs and let myself relax while they continued to wash up my neck and face. The cool of the cloth made me realise how hot I felt. And uncomfortable. I ached everywhere. And my skin tickled in places when something wet ran down it.

Whoever was humming changed the tune to a different and slower one when I began to shake and shift agitated against the furs. And the effect of it was pretty much instant. I felt myself forget about wanting to be more comfortable and started to drift off straight away with their voice forcing me to dream.

* * *

 _"Its done" I heard ordered above me._

 _I panted heavily and pulled my head up. Away from the ghosts crouched around me and to the tall blur standing in front of me. Lexa was glaring at her warriors. Telling them this was over._

 _But its not, Finn's expression tells me._

 _He nods to the branding iron in lexa's hand. The others stare at me, urging to me too, telling me I had to finish this. Their deaths would still be on me if I let Lexa end it here._

 _"Lexa" I gasped lifting my head back to give her a pleading look. She had to help me. She had to let this end now._

 _Her attention moves off cain and back to me. She takes me in with pitying eyes before she gives me a hard look that says no._

 _I hear whispering behind me. I catch glimpses of Lexa's warriors speaking under their breaths about how weak Lexa was around Wanheda. How unfair this was. They knew she wouldn't think twice about punishing one of them._

 _I have to prove them wrong, I panic looking up at the ghosts in front of me. The one I need stands forward immediately._

 _Anya's eyes slide from me to Lexa. She points to the iron and I understand what I have to do. I stare at the snow, bringing together enough courage to do this. Finn shakes his head at me. He doesn't think this was worth it. He doesn't understand._

 _There's still time to stop this, his eyes tell me gently._

 _I give him a look back. I definitely dont deserve his concern. I had to do this._

 _I peer back at roan watching lexa curiously as she handles Cain's disobedience. I hear him tell me to take it easy when I sway a little dizzily into him. His hand loosens on me to save me further pain and I see it as an opportunity._

 _My eyes turn over the ghosts beside me and then lock up on lexa's hand holding the iron out for cain to take back. I take a deep breath when he refuses again._

 _This is it, my heart pounds, growling at me to save her already._

 _I stop when its over, I told myself as I sprang forward towards the commander._

* * *

I woke to gentle voices followed by a loud snort,

"You're braiding her hair?"

It was Monroe. And she was laughing. In a light and actually carefree way. It relieved me to hear something other than shouting and worry for once.

I felt the bed shift and heard Monroe gasp. A couple seconds later something that sounded a lot like something breaking in the corner of the room tinkled back to me.

"You break it you buy it" Niylah's voice grumbled after the noise.

"It was worth it" I heard Jes reply shortly, "If only to teach my second some manners" She added in a threatening voice.

Monroe scoffed back at her, completely unafraid.

"I didn't have you down as the stylist type" Monroe teased, earning something else to be thrown at her.

Fingers continued to pick at the hair on my face after while Monroe went about cussing beneath her breath at her warrior. I felt it being gently twisted into plaits and then tucked back over the side of my neck. I let out a soft breath at the feel of them stroking continuously across my scalp. It felt soothing. Lulling almost.

"Looks like someone likes it" Monroe said in a voice that said she was smirking. I heard a chuckle when I awkwardly raised my hand up to give her the finger.

"And sleeping beauty wakes!" she laughed out and then cussed loudly. Something heavy hit the floor and I opened my eyes when Monroe yelped out for mercy.

Niylah was stood above her grinning as she held Monroe pinned in a tight wrist lock. Monroe grunted in pain when Niylah pushed her foot to prod her in the ribs. She twisted Monroe's wrist a little more, causing her to shout out an apology. I groaned at them both.

"This isn't a playground" I grumbled at them, sinking myself deeper against my pillow. When it moved back beneath me I lifted my face off it and felt my cheeks burn a little. I'd been sleeping in Jes' lap.

 _When the heck did that happen?!_

The warrior just smiled when I looked up with an apology and gently swept more hair off my face to twist in her fingers. I forgot about the grappling women on the floor and watched Jes' fingers deftly manipulate my hair into quick twists that make a light but strong braid. I brought my hand up to catch her wrist when she went to make another. I didn't really understand what she was doing. Her eyes darted back to me, fearfully almost.

"I apologise" she quickly told me pulling her hands away when she realised I was uncomfortable, "I just thought you might like your hair off your face"

"It suits you" Niylah smiled shoving Monroe aside.

She crept over and took up a crouched position beside me. She touched a hand to my head and looked over at my back. Her eyes swept down the length of it and then returned to me with a satisfied gleam. Her fingers pinched a braid and I saw her look thoughtful as her thumb stroked over it. Behind her Monroe rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, you look adorable" she sighed out rolling her shoulder.

 _"Be quiet!"_ Jes barked and Monroe immediate hushed herself. I ignored them and turned back to Niylah.

"Well?" I asked flicking my eyes behind me when Jes shot me a careful look. The trader exchanged a look with Jes and told me.

"You had a fever. Thankfully it broke sometime through the night. I have cleaned your back again but I ask you refrain to from rolling so much. There's only so much blood I can stand to mop up"

"Seriously?" Monroe laughed, "The big bad trader who guts animals for a living is scared of blood?"

Jes growled at her second again and Monroe ducked her head in shame. Niylah smiled at her outburst though. As if it amused her. She shook her head to us.

"I do not fear blood. I fear where it comes from and the life it takes with it. And Wanheda's life is sacred" I let out a groan. I felt jes' hand touch my shoulder gently while Niylah continued, "Heda would surely see my blood spill if she knew how much of yours filled this floor these past few days"

I cringed, "Please!" I begged shaking my hand, "Spare me the details"

 _Wait.._

I froze and looked up at the trader.

 _Days?_

"Yeah" Monroe answered my stunned silence, "You've been snoring your ass off for a long time, Griffin. Time to join the real world"

Ignoring her gleeful smile I turned my eyes back to Niylah, "Is Lexa still in council?"

Niylah nodded and began untying the cloth from my arm. I forced my eyes away as she leant closer to inspect it. Jes looked down at me and gave me a brave smile. But I never missed the flicker of pain pass over her face the second she looked back at my arm too. I pulled my eyes down to stare at monroe's boots while they inspected my wounds.

 _A three day council?_ I questioned the reasons why it had dragged out so long. What was so important to warrant that much thought over it?

 _War._

 _Its gotta be war._

 _Calm down,_ my mind told my heart but this time it was told to go fuck itself. If Lexa was hosting war meetings it spelt trouble. For my people. And her.

It worried me how my concern was weighing entirely in her favour though.

 _I have to get to that meeting._

"This looks promising, Clarke" Niylah told me smiling when I glanced back at her, "The wrap I've been putting around it seems to be working. If you are lucky it won't scar at all"

"Lucky? This girl is the definition of luck!" Monroe grinned casting me a wink.

I couldn't manage to smile back. I was busy planning how I would get past these guys long enough to sneak out.

"How is your strength, Clarke?" Niylah asked touching my cheek to get my attention.

"Huh? Oh uh, fine. I guess. I mean I'm not gonna climb trees anytime soon but.. I'm good"

She smiled satisfied with my answer and bandaged my arm again. She looked up at Jes with a smirk, "I told you"

Jes flicked Niylah back, "Stop being smart" She gently eased herself off the bed and stood to touch Monroe's shoulder, "There, you have seen your friend. _Now you hold up your end of the deal. Training"_

Monroe groaned at Jes spinning her around, _"This sucks"_

She gave me a tiny wave goodbye and walked off out of the room. Jes followed with a smile back at me before she left too. Niylah moved to the corner of the room and began making a tonic for me to take. When she returned I silently took the cup from her and pretended to sip it.

"How does it really look, Niylah?" I asked giving her a look against lying to me. She glanced over at my back.

"You look like you've been wrestling with a bear. But you will live"

I looked away from her. I didn't know whether I believed her but right now I took it as an invitation to move again.

"I want to see Lexa" I told her boldly. She stared back at me.

"Heda doesn't answer to demands" she told me sternly, "Even when they are made by you, Wanheda"

She stood then and told me to drink my tonic. I looked down at it in my hand then set it on the floor beside me. Niylah gave me an annoyed look for disobeying her. But I didn't care.

"Niylah, I have to talk to her. Its important"

"Then I will pass a message on to her" she relented but I shook my head. That wasn't good enough.

"I need to talk to her myself" I pushed angrily.

Niylah crossed her arms and began to tell me it wasn't going to happen. I glared down at the ground while she spoke. I had to get to that meeting then. If Lexa wouldn't come here then I'd have to go to her.

"Okay!" I sighed when she started talking about how I needed to rest, "I get it"

Niylah gave me a gentle look and picked the cup up to press to my lips. She nodded at me to drink and reluctantly I took a sip. The tonic tasted different to the others she'd given me before. Stronger. It made me wonder how quick it would knock me out.

 _Don't drink it_ , my mind warned sharply.

"The council is between clans, Clarke. Your presence would not help Heda" She tipped the cup up again, "The best thing for you to do is sleep and focus on getting better"

I accepted the rest of the tonic and held it in my mouth. When she looked back at me I nodded in agreement. Niylah smiled then and took the empty cup away.

"I have a few villagers to tend to. Will you be okay on your own?" I nodded and she smiled again. She tapped the cup, "This should begin working in a moment. Just relax"

I nodded again and watched her gather her things before she walked quickly out of the room. The second she was gone I reached beside me for the bucket by the bed and spat the tonic out into it. Then I sat my head down and closed my eyes, waiting for Niylah's steps to come back down the stairs and vanish from out front.

When I heard the door open and close I sucked in a deep breath and flattened my palms on the furs beneath me. Then I started the agonising exercise of raising myself up.

It was hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. Anytime I moved too fast a flame burnt into the lines in my back. But I refused to stop. Lexa needed me. She needed me to get up and show face. Only then could this mess be over.

I gritted my teeth and blew out harshly as I pushed myself up completely. I breathed in a triumphant breath and then awkwardly twisted my body to sit. I tested my feet against the cold floor, pressing only a tiny amount of weight against them as I started to rise. I wobbled and fell back on the bed but I didn't let that stop me. With nails biting into my thighs I forced myself upright and stood shaking in the dim candlelight.

My head span but I ignored it and turned to the corner of the room where my clothes had been left. Thankfully they had been stored on top of a stack of boxes. I doubted I'd have the energy to search for them. I turned back to the bed with them in hand but stopped when I caught sight of myself in a mirror tucked in the corner of the room.

I stared at myself. At the damp hair twisted into blonde braids that fell down my shoulders and back. At the blood staining my pants. At the dirty bruised cut body that held me together.

My heart bumped scared when I began to turn to check my back and I found myself closing my eyes before I had a chance to see it. I didn't want to to see it.

 _Get dressed_ , my thoughts whispered gently.

Stiffly I managed to pull my shirt on with sharp cries and loud swears hidden in the fabric of a cloth I placed between my teeth. I'd skipped the bra. It had been rendered useless thanks to the whipping. And it was too covered in dried blood for me to even consider wearing it again. I'd need to find another one when we reached the Ark. The shirt rested more snug than usual over my chest without it but I didn't care. I was more worried about how I was going to get my boots on.

I sat down on the bed and slowly eased myself into bending over my knees to reach my feet. My shirt rode up with the stretch. The cotton hem sliding over my lashes forced me to stop a lot but eventually I managed to slip my boots on and tuck the laces inside them. Then I made the mistake of trying to stand again.

 _Ah! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!.._

I kept mentally cussing as the tense muscles on my back pulled and stretched, taking with them the cruel lashes. My eyes stung with tears at the excruciating pain. It hurt so much.

 _But we've been through worse_ , my heart reminded telling me to rip the band aid and just stand straight.

I huffed a couple times and forced my body vertical again. I swayed instantly with the head rush and half collapsed into a stack of boxes nearby. I groaned at them tumbling over in a crash and held a hand to my head.

"Okay" I panted forcing myself up again. I wiped the sweat and tears off my face onto the front of my shirt.

 _This has gotta be a quick._

I knew I wouldn't stand for long. My legs already felt like jelly and all I'd done was stand up a couple times. With this consistent headache behind my eyes beginning to flare brighter I knew it wouldn't be long until I blacked out again.

I looked around myself for a jacket and saw Jes' slung over a chair in the corner. It was stained in red and I knew whose blood it was. Ignoring the coiling in my stomach I carefully peeled it over myself.

A wave of smoke and something fouler hit my nose as I straightened the blood soaked collar. It made me want to gag. I held my head away from it and focused on breathing the calming scent of the post instead.

 _Little steps_ , my head reminded the second I looked forward to the door. I heeded its advice and took one step forward. I gasped when it hurt me all over but continued my way slowly out of the room.

I stopped at the stairs, hand clutching the steps tight while I fought to fight the black clouding my vision. I'd only gone ten or so steps but I was sweating like I'd ran to the post again. My head pressed heavy against the side of my wrist and I shook over the haggard breaths filling my lungs. I swallowed a whimper and the desire to give up and return to my bed. Instead I focused on getting a read on my surroundings.

I could hear people moving outside the post. Villagers and warriors. It sounded like it was busy out there. And that made me worry about how I would actually get into the council. I just hoped they would respect my status enough to let me pass. Otherwise I would have a very niylah sized problem on my hands.

With a brave breath I pushed off the stairs and struggled on, stopping briefly to peer out at the main room of the post in a scout for anybody who might have walked in looking for a trade. I breathed relieved at my luck when I found it empty. I guess Niylah had told everybody to stay away tonight.

I pushed on again, using the counter to lean on just incase. My feet found a strong enough pace after a couple of steps and it helped me move just that little bit faster to the door. I pulled on it weakly and managed to open it wide enough to lean the rest of my body on. The cold air bit at me suddenly, making me flinch and shake. I stared around outside at all the snow covering the ground.

 _No wonder Lexa wants Roan gone_ , I thought as I took my first step out into the ankle deep white blanket, _The pass is probably close to closing with all this._

I paused to take a shivering breath and then pushed myself to walk.

The snow crunched under my boots as I staggered down the trail towards the grounders camp site. My skin shook from the cold around me and seeing the warm glow of orange in the distance promising heat made me want to run to it. But I forced myself to slow and keep the silver frost raising up from my breaths at a steady calm pace. I knew to force too much on my body, especially after so long out of use after its damage, would make me go into shock. I couldn't risk it.

My feet followed the familiar path through the cold to Lexa's tent. My heart was bumping happier with every step. Around me I heard other grounders wander about in the snow. Down by the post I could even see a few training. None seemed to notice me struggling along. Or if they did they didn't rush to help.

 _Why would they?_ I thought puffing exhaustedly to myself, _I'm a traitor._

I stopped halfway to Lexa's tent to catch my breath and wipe the sweat away from my face. Thinking about traitors made my thoughts turn to echo. I wondered how she was holding up. I told myself she was probably still resting. I had only endured eleven cuts. She'd had fifty-eight. If she was alive still she would definitely be asleep. I would ask after her later. After I spoke with Lexa and the clans.

When I made it to Lexa's tent I heard a thunder of angry voices raising loudly from inside. I hesitated entering to pick up what they were saying. Through the heavy accents I managed to pick out angry accusations and stony remarks. Even one or two threats. Advice mixed with warnings. My head hurt keeping up. I could only imagine how Lexa was handling it.

 _Why is she so quiet anyway?_ I wondered. It wasn't like her to let her people argue so much against her intentions. Maybe she wasn't here after all.

I waited a moment, tensing with the sudden silence filling the tent. I didn't need to be inside to know what was happening. Heda was going to speak.

 _"I have told you,"_ I heard her say slowly in a threatening growl, _"There are no Skaikru warriors here to escort King Roan to Azgeda!"_

 _"There is one right there!"_ A voice roared back defiantly back at her.

I cringed suddenly. He sounded familiar. For some reason my mind associated him with excruciating pain.

 _Wait,_ it weakly mind pushed me to pay attention. What skaikru warrior? None of my people were here. There was just me, skaikru's ambassador.

Unless they meant..

 _Oh shit!_

I ripped the tent flap up and awkwardly ducked my way underneath it.

The same band of warriors who had overseen my cuts were clustered with their backs to me. They had paid me no mind when I walked in. They had eyes only for their commander who stood in the centre of the tent glaring down a man who held monroe's wrist tight in his hand.

The relief I felt for seeing Lexa vanished almost as instantly as it took me by surprise arriving. Instead of being glad I felt a flood of rage come to me seeing my friend wince out against the warrior's strong grip on her. He was hurting her. He needed to let her go.

Now.

I stumbled forward again and made to push through the clan warriors. But I stopped seeing roan stride forward to lexa's side. He looked between the two women before he lowered his head an inch to address Lexa in private.

I watched her as he spoke in her ear. She looked calm and held all the strong presence of the commander but even with this distance I could see her eyes were ringed beneath the warpaint. She was exhausted. And worried. I could tell she was distracted. Her mind wasn't here at all.

Roan whispered something more to her but she ignored him. He cast her a wary look then spoke up louder.

 _"Perhaps she should come"_ he said looking down at monroe almost pityingly, _"If only to calm your people, Heda"_

The commander's eyes darkened and she looked back at the king in contempt.

" _Monroe is not a warrior_ " Lexa spat back in monroe's defence, _"Neither is she Skaikru"_

 _"She is not Trikru yet either_ " Roan reminded her gently.

Lexa didn't let that break her argument though.

" _She is what I say she is_ ," her eyes swept around the tent then daring anyone to speak up against her and I was both glad and disappointed when she didn't see me, " _And Monroe from Trikru is not going to Azgeda"_ she declared.

I felt a massive rush of gratitude to Lexa in that moment. Not only had she saved Monroe from an uncertain journey to azgeda but she had willingly accepted her into her clan without trials or question. Monroe herself looked pretty stunned. Like the other warriors.

 _Stupid move_ , _Lexa,_ I thought biting my lip at them shaking their heads in disgust.

 _"See how she favours them?"_ I heard one whisper.

 _Calm down, Clarke,_ I told myself when the need to shout the warrior down in Lexa's defence became a hot desire in me. I contented myself to glare at him. Even if he couldn't see it I hoped he felt my anger towards him.

"Release her, Ivon" Lexa barked, drawing my attention back to her.

The warrior holding looked down at Monroe in disgust. He threw her arm down when lexa shot him an ordering glare and she fell quickly to her knees to accept lexa's final verdict.

My heart shook inside my chest,

 _Whats she doing?_ , I whined to myself.

I worried she was about to put herself in danger. Danger I couldn't talk her out of.

"Heda," Monroe bowed grateful to Lexa, "I accept your generosity and am grateful for your concern. But please, if it would save everybody pain, I would gladly go to azgeda with the King in Skaikru's place"

"The hell you will!" I called out at her in a burst of panicked anger. She couldn't go there. Ever.

The tent filled with whispers and gasps and the warriors closest to me whipped themselves around to stare at me like a ghost come back to life. I took a step forward and they all moved back, creating a clean path for me. I heard them whispering my name as I walked past but I forced myself to focus only on Lexa's eyes staring at me in her own shock and wonder. A smile broke through the cracks in her commander's expression and though it only lasted a few seconds in it I read all the stunned relief she felt seeing me okay.

My heart charged happily with it.

"Wanheda!" The commander called, holding her arm out for me to take in a welcoming grasp.

I carried on forward, forcing my head to stand high, and approached Lexa much quicker than I intended to. My hand rose to her outstretched arm and I took it and squeezed it tight. The familiar warmth of her body enveloped me again. Somehow it felt like coming home.

Shut up, I told my heart when it drummed loudly in my ears.

My arm began to hurt being held suspended and Lexa's eyes flashed over my face concerned when she felt my grip shake on her. But she kept her expression the same.

"You honour us with your presence" she told me solemnly. I gave her a slight smile in return.

"I can see it was needed" I answered looking back at the warriors meanly. They each jumped back like I had hit them. Then one by one they knelt before me.

I stared in shock. Especially when Lexa went down too.

"What's going on?" I asked her scared. I gripped her arm tighter and tapped her shoulder to get her up. I watched her smile as she rose back to her feet. Behind us her warriors remained kneeling.

"They bow to honour you" She explained to me looking down to watch her hand leave my arm, "After your silent defeat of the fire dreams you have proven yourself again, wanheda. And now you wake after only three days to hold council. Even the commander would struggle to hold such strength"

She began to bow her head to me again but I tapped her arm to stop her. I shook my head when she peered confused back at me. I didn't want her bows. Or anybody else's for that matter.

"Why does roan need skaikru to escort him home?" I demanded moving back to their previous discussion. I couldn't help but glare down at the King.

Roan's head ripped up and he gave me a curious look for my anger before he rose to his feet. When the last leader in the tent had risen so did the other warriors.

"I don't" he told me curtly, "But the clans believe it to be unfair if your people failed to pull their weight"

"But as I have said," Lexa growled over the arguments beginning again behind us, "We have no skaikru warriors. So-"

"Yes you do" I told her, mind working quickly to diffuse the situation, "I'll do it"

"You are not a warrior" Roan pointed out quickly when Lexa looked ready to scream her refusal.

I turned back to him. I had no idea why but I felt deeply offended.

I pointed to myself, "Wanheda" is said in defence. I doubted even Lexa could argue when everybody here knew a commander outshone a warrior.

He backed off, eyes switching to Lexa for her opinion. I turned too, begging her to allow this if it stopped a fracture in the clans. I should have seen her answer long before she turned to her seat and gave it. Those eyes looked too cold and set to give anything but a refusal.

"Skaikru have no warriors present" she announced coldly to her people, "Unless you are all willing to agree Wanheda go in their place I suggest you all accept your heda's decision"

Lexa paused long enough to give any doubters time to speak up. When they didn't she cut me a quick glance and ended the meeting. Though the other warriors looked angry they didn't look like they were going to speak out against Lexa. It was touching in a way. I didn't know they cared so much for me.

They respectfully bowed to their commander and began making their way out. Some looking back at me again as if they were still questioning how real I was.

"You are persistently lucky" the growling warrior, Ivon, told me as he walked past glaring, "One day your luck will end"

"Ditto, buddy" Monroe told him coming to my side in time to take the shove that would have sent me flying had she not got in the way. He glowered over his shoulder at her as he left the tent. She watched him go with a matching glare.

"Are you okay?" I asked her touching the hand she held against her arm. It looked like he'd put some force behind that knock.

She looked back at me and nodded. Then she turned with a look that said she was about to blow up about me being here. But it froze the second she glanced over my shoulder. I didn't have to look to know Lexa was standing behind me.

I turned back to catch her give monroe a commanding look before her eyes turned softer on me. I let myself look back, heart swelling seeing her looking so calmly at me.

"I'll catch you later" Monroe muttered to me pulling my hand off her arm. I nodded but I wasn't paying attention.

Lexa held my eyes for a long moment before she turned to the king leaving behind her.

"You, stay" she ordered him.

She stood back with her hands held behind her when we both turned to stand in front of her. Her eyes searched between us before she singled me out.

"King Roan is set to leave us tomorrow" she told me calmly. I looked back at him and nodded in understanding. Lexa continued, "Seeing as you seem well enough we will continue on our way to the ark"

"We're not escorting Roan to the border?" I asked confused. I was pretty sure she had to do that.

"No" Lexa glanced back at the king beside me, "I trust King Roan to make his own way there"

The king bowed his head to her. He seemed happy enough. It was then I noticed the blood on his hand, and the line cutting through his palm. My hand tingled remembering a familiar cut lining it. One that resembled Roan's.

 _Who has he blood oathed to_? I quickly wondered, _Lexa?_

"What about Echo?" I asked looked up at Roan's face again. He tensed up without answer and gave a stare back at his commander.

Lexa regarded us a moment, like she was unsure what to say. I gave her a look to encourage her to do the right thing.

"If she is well enough to travel then she may go too" she said without emotion.

Roan bowed his head again and politely thanked the commander. She ignored him told him to go ready his people. He'd be leaving as soon as possible.

"Heda" he bowed low to her and turned to do the same to me, "Wanheda"

I stayed quiet and watched him leave.

 _Seriously,_ I thought confused, _What's with all the bowing?_

I turned back to ask Lexa, jumping back when I found she'd moved closer. I gasped out feeling my shirt pull against my back beneath the jacket with my start and watched in surprise when Lexa's hand came up as if to touch my face. She stopped herself though and pulled her hand back. Her eyes looked me over. They stopped and took in my new hair style with curiosity and something that looked like simmering admiration.

"How're you feeling?" she asked me looking down at me seriously, "Truly"

I swallowed and gave her a timid smile, "Fine. I'm fine"

Lexa stared at me as if in doubt and then turned to take a seat again. I felt my legs trembling watching her looking up at me with those dark eyes hooded a little in the shadow of the fire. She kept looking at me. Staring as if questioning to herself what she was seeing. It made me extremely nervous.

"Why did you come here, clarke?" she asked holding my eyes captive in hers again.

I took a nervous step forward, heart pounding so loud in my chest I was afraid she could hear it too. I stopped directly in front of her and shot her a frown for her question. She'd asked it like she didn't want me here. Like I had broken the rules by coming. It made me think maybe I'd insulted the grounders by just showing up the way I had.

"I heard you'd been in council for days. I was worried it was over something serious"

Lexa began to smile, "You think it was a war council" she surmised smartly rising out of her seat again.

I didn't answer. Just held my breath the second she moved around me. I turned with her.

"Honestly, yes" I told her strongly, "Why was it taking so long?"

Lexa let out a deep breath and I could see the tension leave her body with it.

"Lets just say warriors are harder to convince in times of peace than they are in times of war"

"Let me guess" I sighed tiredly at her, "They didn't trust roan to go home and not send an army at us?"

She nodded, "Something along those lines, yes"

I snorted and she rolled her eyes at me.

"Clarke, you have to see it from their point of view. Roan's army is behind us. His kingdom is beside us. We are greatly outnumbered. If I were Roan, I would attack"

I nodded. I understood her. But she had no idea what roan had waiting for him at home. I doubted he would want to wage a war when his girlfriend was waiting for him.

"I think we'll be okay" I told her, knowing in my heart that I believed it.

Lexa's eyes snapped in focus on me suddenly and I felt the air leave my lungs when she stepped right into my space. She bowed her head and raised a hand to touch the base of my throat on the very tip of one of the cuts she'd made on my collarbone. And I flinched despite myself.

She stared down at my shirt. Eyes tracing the bloody lines she remembered making that were hidden beneath it. Her fingers glanced my skin, hesitant and nervous, and she looked up when she felt my rushing heartbeat. Her eyes begged to know if we would be okay too. They looked desperate to be told an answer.

I stared up at her as I searched myself for it. Up into those green eyes that wanted so much for me but asked nothing in return. That wanted to be forgiven completely. But I couldn't do that. Not yet.

Lexa's fingers grazed upwards, touching lightly along the curve of my chin.

 _Will we be okay?_ , her eyes begged me.

I took her hand down and grasped it tight in mine.

 _Yes,_ my heart charged in reply.

* * *

 _ **Translations;**_

 _ **"Em's don fleim op" : She's burning up**_

 _ **"Nau get yu daun. Em ste yuj" : Don't worry. She is strong**_

 _ **This isn't about em uf": This isn't about her strength**_

 _ **yu don saying: You were saying**_

 _ **shof op, niylah : Shut up, Niylah**_

 _ **Chit ste yu du hir, Cain?: Why are you here, Cain?**_

 _ **ai laik hir krom fis op: I am here to heal.**_

 _ **chit don ai tol yu hasta belaik klos kom wanheda? : What have I told you about being close to Wanheda?**_

 _ **"Ai op odon em : Watch over her.**_


	22. Chapter 22

**Anyone else struggle to stay away from The 100 Crack videos on youtube? Its turning into a serious problem for me haha.**

 **So! Slight delay again blamed entirely on illness and uninspiredness and mostly Netflix. Dat new OITNB doh! :)**

 _ **Inbox (6):**_

 _ **SkyWanheda: Guilt made me overwrite... But I'm glad you enjoyed it!**_

 _ **Allyon: Emotional rides are fun, no? Thanks for the review!**_

 _ **Sailor Sayuri: How I look forward to your reviews :) Clarke wasn't going to do much last chapter. But anticlimax isn't what I'm about.. The bowing was a given. As Lexa's shown us twice now - A warrior bows to their superior.**_

 _ **SkyMarie90: Welcome back to the reviewer lounge! I'm glad you enjoyed catching up. Jes is ringing bells huh? Uh oh..**_

 _ **Jedi Caro: Oh jeeze, Jes is getting a lot of hackles raising. Jealous Lexa may have to come back to handle this one!**_

 _ **mb168: Speed it up? Hmm...You know the thing about slow burns is the fire's gonna be pretty hot when you see it. Jus' saying.. ;)**_

 **Adding: Spirit Cold by Tall Heights.**

* * *

 _ **Someone has to take the first step...**_

* * *

 **Lexa.**

 _"Left!... Jump!... Duck! Punch! Again!.. Good!"_

Clarke's eyes followed every little movement, every little signal. They stared continually through the snow, watching where the next hit would be yelled to. In them I saw a yearning to learn. A curiosity to quench. A point to prove.

 _"Duck!"_

Clarke flinched at the surprise command and the hit striking home, and then jumped at the loud yell that shouted the next one through the clearing. I smiled sadly at her attempt to cover the involuntary tremble rolling down her body. It was cold outside but I knew that wasn't the reason for her shaking. She was trying to be strong but her body just wasn't quite as fast as her mind. It pained me to see her in so much discomfort.

 _"Right punch! Follow through with your kick... Good! Now down! .. Roll up, attack..an- keep focused! Listen! Strike, back, strike, left, jump! Swing sharper! Dodge, block, swing, swing, ki- Duck!"_

The sudden sick sound of bone on flesh and a furious growl had Clarke looking scared. Her blue eyes swirled in pain and then widened in fear at the coming danger. It pulled a deadly instinct from me. One that said protect. At all costs. And it was hard to ignore.

I pulled my eyes from Clarke in time to see Jes charge in rage towards where her second was groaning on the ground holding her bleeding mouth. Monroh shot to her feet startled with the warrior's angry charge. Jes ignored her second's obedient submission and cuffed her sharply around the head for ignoring orders. Strangely I found myself pitying the sky girl.

Hardening myself to Monroh's suffering I returned myself to my purpose of being here.

I walked up to Clarke while the shouts began again and stopped near her with a look down at the open sketchbook rested open in the crook of her arm. The page was smudged in her fingerprints and melting snowflakes. Charcoal lined along almost every edge. I followed its blur into the middle and studied the information set in black against the white. Beneath a few hastily drawn sketches of the two women training Clarke had scribbled notes on the different moves Jes had barked at Monroh to complete, with small arrows to signify their moving motion. The detail was impressive considering the short time she'd had to study them.

 _Still so eager,_ I thought feeling terrible that she could not join in with Jes and Monroh like I knew she wanted. Standing on watching must be boring for her.

My attention pulled up from the page to the artist and my breath stopped momentarily seeing her this close.

Clarke's eyes were a darker shade of blue than normal, and they were staring in deep concentration at her work, flicking up now and then to catch new detail for her sketch. Her hand moved quickly across the page, drawing one moment and then jotting down a scribble the next. Sometimes I would catch her wrist stiffen and her jaw clench. Her eyes would flash and her back would shake. Her grip on her book would tighten as she paused to check herself, and I could see in her eyes she was questioning whether she would collapse this time. She breathed her way through the pain every time.

I watched as soft flakes of snow fell to melt against her braided hair and cheeks, making the rosy tint of them stand out even more beautifully. It was easy to question the gods in that moment. Surely Clarke was some test for me. Why else would they gift me this beautiful creature?

"You miss training" I stated softly to announce myself as I moved closer to stand directly beside her.

I gave a nod down to her notes when she glanced back at me. Her cheeks turned a darker pink before she smiled.

"Yes and no. I don't miss getting bruises. But I do miss the learning curve" She let out a long sigh and turned her eyes back to monroh going at Jes again.

I watched her watching them a moment and then moved a hand into my jacket to the pocket that held Anya's braid. I brushed my thumb over it with my nervous thoughts before I reached past it to pull out the smooth stick that sat beside it.

My mind raced with the uncertain thoughts I'd had when I'd discovered it hours ago. I still didn't know if Clarke would accept something from me so soon after what I had done to her. I was afraid she would see it less as a gift and more as some bribe to make up for hurting her the way I had. Maybe it would be better to wait. But seeing her sketching made me impatient for her to see it.

I twirled it indecisively between my fingers a moment before I held it up for her. Clarke glanced back and then turned completely to stare at my hand.

"Where did you find this?!" she gasped snatching it from me in her excitement.

I smiled at the bright way her eyes sparkled as she studied it. I knew then by her smile that I had done the right thing.

"I found it. In the trading post. I thought..." I took the sketchbook from her and flicked the page over to a new one. Then I held it out to her and smiled, "I thought you'd might like to save the charcoal for now"

Clarke beamed at me and eagerly took the book off me to test out her new drawing tool.

"I can't believe I own a pencil!" she babbled excited. I could only stare down at her. I felt too much for her smile to trust myself to speak just yet.

She started drawing two lines crossing over one another in the centre of the page. I frowned at them a moment and watched entranced as she drew a circle at the bottom of each one, followed with more lines and more curves. A sharp smacking sound made me look back at the two warriors and I realised watching them spar with sticks what Clarke was drawing.

"You like it?" I asked her, heart thrumming nervously for no reason. She was already smiling. It should be enough to convince me. Maybe I just wanted to hear her say the words. Maybe only then would I feel assured.

Clarke looked back at me and touched my arm. I watched her bite her smile from getting any wider and it had me wanting to grin back at her. When she smiled like that it made the entire world feel bright. And it made her look so..

 _Beautiful,_ my heart sighed adoringly while she continued to beam at me.

"I love it" she told me sincerely, "Thank you, Lexa"

Her hand slipped down off my arm, fingers just brushing over mine before returning to her sketchbook. I nodded silently at her. My heart was jumping happily in my chest. It wanted me to continue earning Clarke's smiles. They seemed to feed its happiness.

"Heda" a new voice called. I turned away from Clarke and felt my smile drop.

Cain was limping slowly towards us, struggling. I felt my heart squeeze guiltily. I hadn't seen him since I had handed him over to Roan. Seeing him now was difficult. And it confused me why.

Cain continued on toward us. But one look to him had him stopping. He knew not to approach.

He kept his eyes away from meeting mine and gave the ground at my feet an expression to say the others were ready for us. He glanced up after to receive my reply.

I simply nodded and watched him leave. My eyes locked on his hard limp and my heart filled with regret.

"You're still mad at him" Clarke mumbled beside me.

I looked back to her. She was staring down at her book, drawing still. She hadn't turned to watch me but somehow she knew what I was feeling. It should have worried me. A commander should never be so open with their emotions. But knowing Clarke knew me like that made it less of a threat and more of a comfort.

"He disobeyed me" I said back in way of defence.

"With good intentions" she softly argued, looking up at me seriously, "For the good of his people"

I felt myself bristle for her defence of Cain when he had made so much pain for her.

I turned to her, "If he had listened to me you would not be so hurt" I pointed out bluntly to end the conversation.

"But you may be" she said back making me frown at her. She closed her book and turned to face me too, "You already fought once to show your strength as commander because you wouldn't kill me"

Clarke's eyes searched me intently a moment before she continued softer,

"You would have fought again if you failed to punish me completely like you'd promised"

Stubbornly I lifted my chin. I wasn't afraid of proving myself. Or of protecting her.

"A fight I would have proudly fought"

"Lexa.." My name breathed sadness as it left her lips in whisper and I watched her eyes close as if in pain, "You can't fight every time a situation comes where you need to put me last. Your people come first"

 _But you are my people,_ I thought back questioning the plea I saw in her eyes for me to understand. I did understand.

 _But heart instead of head_ , my heart pushed.

"Clarke, I already nearly lost you once from putting you last. Do not believe me stupid enough to repeat my mistake"

She stared back at me in what looked like high doubt and incredible hope. It made me feel foolish for speaking my heart for once. Made me wish I hadn't spoken. I struggled with how to continue our conversation. Especially when she was so quiet.

In my embarrassment I turned to the commander for help.

"Your status in this coalition is what is holding it together right now. Without you most of the clans could abandon us"

The shine in her eyes died. Her expression dropped. I knew by her look away from me that I had said the entirely wrong thing. My jaw tensed with my frustration. Why could I not get this right?

"I suppose thats right" She mumbled, "Guess a lot of your people are scared I'll murder their clans like I did the mountain if they betrayed us, right?"

I felt a sadness wash over me seeing her so distraught. She believed my people feared her. She had to know they loved her too.

I struggled with what to say to make it right. In the end I stayed silent. Why lie to her?

"Come" I said softly, turning to the post and gesturing for her to walk with me, "Azgeda is departing and we must be there to see Roan off"

I offered out my hand to assist her walk and that seemed to pull her out of her thoughts. She shook her head at me with a grateful smile and gave the ground a concentrating frown as she began a slow pace towards the clearing. I watched her a second before I followed.

I kept a patient pace beside Clarke and made myself look forward knowing that watching her would only embarrass her. It was difficult though. To walk unhindered while she struggled in silence beside me. With every precious sharp breath she took in I found myself fighting the rising urge in me to fold her in my arms and carry her.

 _She is wanheda_ , I berated myself, _She is strong. Don't insult her by thinking otherwise._

When we made it to the clearing I left Clarke with my warriors and made my way out into the centre of their circle to address them. I peered around at their expressions meeting me through the snow. They looked relieved to be leaving. I knew many wanted to return to Polis.

I noticed Jes and Monroh slip in beside Clarke, each with smiles for her. She nodded her head to their whispers but kept her eyes fixed on me. To solely own her attention satisfied me immensely. I almost smiled at her for it.

When the crowd parted to let Roan through I began to speak.

"Today we say farewell to our ice nation brethren" I called out pulling my eyes from Clarke again to look about at the warriors, "Though the journey to this alliance has been hard, let us focus now on the harder journey of maintaining our peace"

My eyes moved around between the two factions then, silently threatening them against trying to break this peace. Looking around at them I could see they wouldn't try me that way. They all seemed too eager to be going home.

My eyes fell on clarke again before I continued, almost as if I needed encouragement. Clarke nodded at me, smiling for me to carry on.

"King roan!" I loudly summoned and he walked to stand beside me. I turned to him and with a lot of disguised difficulty tightly clasped his arm, "May your journey home be safe and may your reign be long"

His eye twitched a little with a wince at how hard I held him. I felt his fingers dig into my jacket as he squeezed my arm back just as tight. Roan simply nodded when I looked to him to speak. Speeches clearly were not his talent. I accepted it well enough. I didn't want to hear his talks anyway.

The warriors around started to move off after that, knowing our schedule was a tight one now. Skaikru had already been forced to wait for us. Their patience would be waning. We couldn't afford to be hindered any longer.

I ignored their short calls to each other as they readied themselves and moved my attention back to Roan as I let his arm go.

" _You are to send word the moment you arrive in azgeda"_ I told him sternly, " _And another when your army arrives"_

Roan nodded, "Will your warriors be returning after our arrival into the city?" He inquired carefully.

I questioned that look he gave me and watched him wait for my reply.

"No. They're to stay with you for two weeks. To settle any problems your arrival might create"

Roan looked surprised by my generosity. I ignored his bow of thanks.

"Remember your oath" were my last words to him before I turned to go.

He stopped me with a hand squeezing around my elbow. Instinct and anger had me ready to break his arm for daring to touch me. Instead I let out a steadying breath as he leaned in close to speak.

"You remember my proposal?" He asked watching me carefully again.

I glared back at him with his reminder.

"She is not going back with you Roan!" I snarled smacking his hand down. I turned to face him, fury building in my blood, "And if you dare-"

 _"King Roan!"_ a bright voice cried suddenly.

I glanced beside me at Clarke striding forward with a bright smile. She held the polite air of someone meaning to say goodbye. But I could read the worry in her eyes. She'd come to stop us fighting.

 _She has no right!,_ the commander growled beneath my skin. I shoved it aside. Clarke had built this alliance. She had every right to keep it.

I stood back from the king with a sour look for Roan when she strode up and bowed her head to him.

 _Stop her!,_ My heart growled angry that Clarke would show him such respect when he hadn't earned it from her. I stopped myself from moving. I wouldn't show it affected me.

Clarke stood back with a slight smirk for the King after her bow, eyes shining mockingly at him. He smiled back at her. As if it were some private joke shared between the two of them.

"I hope you have a safe journey" she told him earnestly. He smiled down at her.

"It's still not too late to come with me" he said with eyes sliding towards me gloatingly for their friendship.

My mind laced angrily at his defiance. I looked back to Clarke and tried to read her expression when she looked back at the King's offer.

 _Does she want to go?_

I couldn't be sure.

 _Please stay,_ I begged her.

A stronger plea took root in my heart in her thoughtful silence. And it scared me its whisper.

 _I need you.._

Clarke's lips hitched up into a smile. Almost as if she had heard my heart beating feverishly for her to remain with me.

"Thank you for your invite," she told him, "But I'm needed here," Clarke peered back at me quickly before she added, "Maybe some time in the future though"

 _Maybe never,_ My heart growled while I sent the King a threatening look.

Roan smiled and bowed his head in acceptance. Inside I was grateful for Clarke's gracious refusal. And utterly relieved for it.

"We should go, Clarke" I said turning to walk away and gripping her forearm gently to get her attention, "We need to get to your people"

She glanced up into my eyes and saw my plea for her to be out of the king's presence. She nodded and told me she'd be right there, she just she had more to say to the King first. In privet. I worried what it might be. I hadn't forgotten the way she'd hidden his secrets from me before. Was that what she wanted to speak about now? I couldn't withhold the paranoid itch beginning beneath my skin.

My eyes slotted back to Roan in warning as I granted clarke her request and walked slowly away.

"You are serious about this peace, right?" I heard her say seriously to the King as I walked back towards my horse. I couldn't help but smile at the threatening tone she'd used on Roan once she believed I was out of earshot. That sounded more like Clarke.

I crossed the clearing to my people and quickly received a report on their progress readying our leave. Then I turned to collect my horse. I was surprised to find another already there stroking his neck. Monroh looked up from her calming whispers on my approach and immediately retracted her hand.

"Heda" She bowed before turning back to her task of saddling my horse.

I should have punished her. Instead I nodded in return and turned to watch Clarke speak with the King.

 _"You trust him?"_ I heard the sky girl ask me quietly.

I glanced back at her serious tone. I was tempted to ignore her. She shouldn't speak to me. But I could read the stress in her eyes for her friend's closeness to the king. I shared in it.

I stared over at Roan bowing to Clarke. I narrowed my eyes at his warm smile for her. It made me angry.

 _"No_ " I told Monroh truthfully, " _But I trust Clarke"_

Monroh nodded and kept her thoughts to herself. I was glad for it. I didn't want to talk politics with a second. Even if she was Clarke's friend.

We stood in silence while she finished saddling my horse and moved on to clarke's. And all awhile I watched the King trade smiles with wanheda. The proposal he had made to me on the ride here was bouncing between my thoughts as I tried to read what they said to one another. I couldn't help but think maybe he was offering it to her now. Without my consent.

 _She wants to stay,_ my heart pounded nervously with my own self assurance, _she said so herself._

I told myself to believe it. Clarke wanted to go home to her people. Why would she go with roan when I was granting her freedom?

Jes approached after Monroh had tied the last bag to meesha's saddle. She frowned at her second's close proximity to me and moved to whisper in her ear. Monroh nodded and with a respecting bow to me left towards the post. I took a calming breath when Jes turned to me herself. I could guess what she wanted.

"Niylah says Clarke is not fit to travel yet" Jes began as she inspected Monroh's work. She muttered shortly to herself and re-buckled a loose strap beneath the stallion.

I continued to watch Roan. His expression had shifted with something clarke had said. His eyes moved towards the cart holding his mother's body. I narrowed mine in concentration. Was she offering the body back?

"Clarke believes she is" I argued distractedly.

 _"She is too brave to say she isn't_ " Jes replied and I agreed. She turned to me, "Heda, we do not have a healer with us. What will happen if she takes ill?"

"She won't" I impatiently snapped over the uncertain pound of my heart.

 _What if she does?_ It pined desperate to keep Clarke safe.

"Heda, Clarke is safer staying here. Niylah can heal her. I will stay and protect her. When she is strong enough we will ride to meet you in Polis"

I turned my head back and gave her a silencing look. Clearly she had thought this through. It had me quickly rethinking my decision to keep her with us. Maybe Jes would be of better use escorting Roan back to his kingdom.

Jes cowered back when I twisted around to stride towards her. I took hold of my steed's reins, making sure to be close enough to tower over her.

"I am grateful for your assistance last night. Niylah needed it. But remember what I told you, Jes" I spoke low and looked down at her sternly as I pulled the horse away from her. She looked back at me nervously, "You are still nothing to wanheda"

She nodded with hurt eyes and let me take hold of meesha's reins too. I directed both horses to walk together with me between them over to Clarke where she stood still exchanging serious words with the King. I could feel jes' eyes watching me the entire way.

I paused far enough away for the two to keep their privacy but close enough to command they hurry. I settled the horses playing behind my back and watched what looked like an exchange of fealty again on roan's part. It had my eyes narrowing at him. He could show this good King act all he wanted. I didn't believe it. And I hoped in her heart Clarke didn't either.

"Wanheda!" I called when he said something that made her laugh. She looked back at me and stiffly I told her, "We must go now"

I let my gaze flick between the two of them and she nodded in understanding. Clarke backed up a step from Roan.

"Safe travels, King" she said to him in a light mocking voice.

The King smirked at her with mirth in his eyes.

"Safe travels, Commander" he returned to her, smirking wider when he bowed with eyes looking for my anger.

When I gave none he carefully and gently clasped her arm and leant close. I felt myself shift uncomfortably when he whispered something in her ear. Her glance back at me had my insides squirming nervously.

 _What does he say?_

My head flew immediately wild with thoughts. Especially when she nodded back to roan.

 _Why does Clarke look worried?_

"Wanheda!" I called again, this time letting my voice bark impatiently through my stress. She left roan to come to my side immediately.

"Thanks" she mumbled taking meesha's reins from me.

I shot Roan a dark look to leave before I turned to watch Clarke struggle with her saddlebag. I saw her shaking fingers slip on the clasps and without thought raised my hand to take hers down.

"Let me" I breathed sending her a look to let me help. Clarke's eyes were gentle on me when she gave permission.

I moved beside her and swiftly opened the bag for her to drop her sketchbook inside. My attention caught on her shaking hands again before I tied the bag and moved back.

"Are you alright? With.." I patted meesha's neck to indicate clarke's climb up into the saddle. Clarke quickly nodded.

"Yes" she quipped and then flushed realising her rudeness, "I mean, thanks. But it's probably not a good idea for you to be giving me a leg up"

I frowned at her. I didn't understand her aversion to my help.

"Clarke, if you need assistance then I am happy to-"

"I'm fine" she smiled bravely at me, "Gotta be strong, right?"

My frown deepened in reply to her.

"Not if it hurts you"

I thought about what jes had told me and nervously asked Clarke if she believed herself medically clear to ride.

"Niylah believes you should-" She cut in quickly and angrily over me.

"Niylah thinks I'm stupid for walking like this. Never mind riding. But Niylah isn't the one going through this so Niylah's opinion doesn't matter"

I set a hand on her shoulder when her eyes began to storm and her voice grew louder. I understood her frustration. That feeling of being weak and useless. But she was not. And though most of me enjoyed her fiery rage towards Niylah I could not accept Clarke's answer. Not when it put her at risk.

Secretly I was in agreement with the trader. Clarke shouldn't be riding. Her body needed to heal. Her exhausted eyes and shaking skin told me that much. But what option did I have? I couldn't leave her here and I couldn't afford to hold our position any longer. We needed to go.

 _Maybe she should stay..._

The commander in me knew it was the best option for my people's sakes. The longer we stayed here the longer Azgeda had to betray me and come back at us with an army. I wanted them away from here before Roan's warriors caught up. It told me one life wasn't worth risking all of us.

But the girl in me cared too much for clarke to leave her in the uncertainty. I knew she would not allow me to ride away without Clarke.

I turned from my thoughts to look down to her. Clarke had been nervously watching me think. Worrying about my decision. So I smiled and fixed her a calm eye.

"If you say you are strong enough, you are strong enough" I told her bowing my concern to her choice.

I turned to my own horse and nodded in great reluctance to Jes stood by the scourging post watching us with Monroh. Immediately she gave her second an order then set off alone towards the post.

I pulled myself into my saddle after and sat patiently to watch Clarke struggle into hers. Impressively she handled it quickly with minimal noise for her pain. Her hands shook pale around the reins as she pulled her back straight and her face looked tense in her stare ahead. But her look back at me said she was ready.

I admired her bravery and nodded. My voice echoed about us as I called out the command to march.

"May we meet again, wanheda!" Roan called out through the snow as we began our ride away past him and his people.

I saw her look back but she never returned the farewell. Instead she rode on silently beside me.

* * *

We rode for the best part of the day. Barely exchanging words. Barely looking anywhere else but the road ahead. On Clarke's side anyway. I tried my best to engage her but every conversation I began she ended short and abrupt. I would have found it strange had I not believed she was worrying over something. And punishing herself in silence. She just didn't know it worried me to see her like it.

"I'm curious" I began trying once more after my scouts left us again with another report.

Clarke lifted her head but gave no other indication that she was interested in what I had to say. I continued anyway. Perseverance was the way for success after all.

"Your time in the wilderness.." I kept my eyes locked straight on the road. I knew it was a sensitive subject for Clarke. Those months of loneliness and guilt.

 _Well,_ my heart began jealously, _guilt anyway_.

I ignored it.

"Yeah?" She prompted to my followed silence.

I chanced a look sideways to her and saw her hard stare for meesha's mane as she twirled her fingers through it. Her expression was calm but I could see in her eyes the pain she was holding inside.

I decided I didn't want to push those memories from her. I wanted to ask about her fire dreams. And Niylah. And everything else I had missed when I'd turned my back on her at the mountain. I wanted to know because I wanted to understand what she had been through. What I had done to her. How all of it had helped her to forgive me- if that is what she truly had done. But I didn't want to be the cause for more pain in her.

I'd done enough of that.

So I turned away and gave in, "It doesn't matter"

"Leska," Clarke whispered softly. I turned my head immediately, heart looking up too for the small smile she gifted me, "It's okay to ask" she told me encouragingly.

I swallowed my hesitation, "What was it like? To be clanless?"

Clarke smiled like she knew that wasn't what I had wanted to know at all. She looked towards the road and was quiet for a long time before she answered.

"Lonely"

My heart heaved for her sad reply.

Clarke continued, "But in some ways that was a good thing. I didn't have to lead. Or pretend to be strong. I could just be me"

My attention spiked higher then.

"You feel you are not you when you are made to lead others?" I questioned intrigued. Did she feel the same as I in that?

Clarke was quiet again. And then, "Not entirely. I feel like I have to be someone stronger for my people. The decision maker. The risk taker..."

Clarke's eyes closed and her brow dipped as if in pain.

"The burden keeper" she added thickly.

 _The monster_ , my mind whispered what she could not. And it sent a bolt of pain straight through me. One that simmered down the moment I caught her smile suddenly to herself.

"But I think my biggest problem was a lack of a shower..." She looked back to me with a shy grin, "Rivers are not fun to bathe in"

I smiled though I was annoyed at her attempt to brush over her pain.

"Maybe you were just bathing in the wrong ones" I teased, ready to lighten the conversation for her.

Clarke laughed back at me, "Well, if you see any good ones on the way home, let me know. I could definitely use one"

I nodded and let my mind drift dangerously before an idea came to me. I kept it to myself though. I knew it would surprise her. And I wanted to see her surprised again.

"So," I continued tucking my conspiring thoughts aside, "Did you meet many people on your travels, Wilderness Wanderer?"

Clarke rolled her eyes at the teasing name, "Not many. A few villagers near the post. And Niylah.." Clarke's eyes clouded distantly and it made me bristle jealously.

 _Is she thinking of her time with the trader?,_ I couldn't be sure. And honestly I didn't want to be.

"Speaking of Niylah," I began around a dry voice with a stare ahead at my warriors. I felt Clarke looked back to me, "How did the two of you become friends when you were such a high bounty prize?"

Clarke shrugged, gasping pained when doing so hurt her, "Turns out she didn't care about that. She knew who I was from the get go. She just felt obliged to keep me safe. Because of what I did at Mount Weather.. For her mom"

I nodded in understanding. I was grateful to the trader for her protection of clarke. I'd never have suspected she did it out of duty. I'd always assumed she just feared Wanheda. But my gratitude was deeply buried beneath my anger still.

"I'm sure she kept you very safe" I replied bitterly despite myself.

If clarke noticed the change in my attitude she didn't say. Instead she turned her attention back to the road. She groaned after a moment of silence and it had my head whipping back to her in concern.

"Speaking of Niylah.." she sighed nodding ahead towards the trader walking back through the trail of warriors.

I felt myself stiffen as she neared. Felt my fingers twitch towards the knife on my thigh. Felt all rational thought escape me as I locked eyes with that of the trader. I hated that look she gave Clarke.

 _Control yourself_ , the commander's spirit whispered scoldingly.

"Hello Wanheda" Niylah smirked up at Clarke's grimace. She knew wanheda didn't enjoy these frequent visits. I wondered if she knew I enjoyed them less, "How are you feeling?"

"Like I'd really love to go an hour without eating seaweed" Clarke sent niylah a sweet smile. The trader shook her head.

Clarke groaned and held her hand down to receive her medicine. The trader looked up to me while Clarke forced herself to eat it.

"Heda, I have a tonic for you. For your pain"

I refused it immediately. I didn't want or need her help. Clarke peered back at me curiously. Niylah simply nodded and tucked the small vial back into her pocket. She looked to clarke after and asked to see her back. Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Can't it wait for when we've stopped?" she moaned.

I hid my smile for her and whispered an order for the warrior walking between us. She reached up after to take hold of Meesha's head piece. The horse stopped walking at the warrior's soft urging and shook its head in irritation. Clarke sent me a scathing look for my treachery. I ignored her and looked away to speak with my people.

"Looks like you've stopped" I heard Niylah smugly say while I quickly spoke with Owin. Clarke mumbled under her breath in reply.

"You really are a terrible patient" I told her turning to make sure she was being cooperative.

I stared silently at her after and was unafraid when she shot me a dark look. Clarke was annoyed with me but I wasn't sorry. She needed this.

"I'm usually the doctor" she grumbled finally relenting to my commanding look.

Awkwardly she removed her jacket and leant herself forward over meesha's neck. She kept my eyes while the trader moved around her side and lifted her shirt up to inspect the marks. In them I saw her question my refusal to look at them too.

 _I can't,_ I silently told her, heart plummeting in guilt.

"Well, they're not bleeding" Niylah said slowly pulling clarke's shirt down over the healing lashes.

"But?" Clarke sighed pulling herself slowly upright again. Niylah watched her pulling her jacket over herself. She looked reluctant to tell clarke. She knew clarke wouldn't enjoy the news. I felt my nerves shift inside me waiting.

"But I will need to look at them later" Niylah relented, "I would like to stitch them too" Clarke groaned and Niylah gave her a serious look, "Try not to move too much"

Clarke stared down at her, "I'm riding a horse... Niylah, I'm gonna move!"

Niylah didn't hesitate her reproach, "And you should not be riding. But seeing as you are a stubborn-"

"Niylah" I warned. I wouldn't stand her insulting clarke.

The trader backed down to me. She understood what would happen if she carried on.

"Seeing as you are keen to ride.." she corrected with a submissive bow to me. The satisfaction I felt from it vanished the moment she squeezed clarke's knee, "Just don't go too fast. And don't slouch"

Clarke nodded and the trader patted meesha's neck before turning to walk back to where Jes waited ahead. I watched Clarke fiddle with the red plant in her fingers and saw her contemplate throwing it aside. I fought off a smile.

"Don't anger your healer" I told her and nodded to the plant, "You get used to the taste"

Clarke looked down at it and reluctantly chewed it. I smiled happy and directed my horse on. She did the same.

"You sound like you've had to eat this often..." I watched her in interest as she began to shred it between her fingers. I nodded at her.

"Being a warrior requires frequent healing. Time spent eating red weed almost doubles when you are Heda"

Clarke's eyes flashed back to me worried. It made me smile.

I reached over to her and stole a piece of seaweed from her hand to eat myself, "And my mother fed it to me as a child" I shared quietly.

"Your mother?"

Clarke's eyes were bright with curiosity as I swallowed the plant portion down. But I could not answer the questions in them. To do so would burden her with my secrets. And I wouldn't target her like that.

"How will you handle your people?" I asked her quickly moving off myself, "When you deliver Nia's body to them?"

The question caught her off guard. She looked shocked to know she would be handling the body gifting herself.

"I-.. Um... I didn't know..." she looked behind us at the cart that carried nia's body and shivered, "I didn't know I had to do that"

"You are Skaikru's ambassador" I pointed out bluntly, "You were in that summit when your people were murdered at the mountain. You told your people you would fix this. Clarke, you are Wanhe-"

"Telling me what happened and what I am doesn't explain why I have to be the one to dump a body at my people's feet!" she snapped hotly, "You're the commander and you killed her. Its your job"

I let her breathe herself into calm and I easily accepted her whispered apology after.

"Its your honour, Clarke" I told her meeting her eyes with a forgiving look that only softened more when she gave me her uncertain frown, "I'm giving it to you"

 _She doesn't understand,_ I realised watching her frown deepen.

I quickly explained the tradition to her. Clarke shuffled meesha's reins after. She looked uncomfortable. After a long moment she nodded.

"I guess I need to think about it" she told me quietly, "Big speeches aren't really my thing"

"You'll know" I told her confidently, "When the time comes you'll know the words"

Clarke nodded but she didn't look so convinced. I decided to let her keep her thoughts. I knew she would not be so easily reassured right now. She was too busy worrying for her return to her people.

 _Why does she worry?_ I thought confused _, She wants to return to them._. I studied her closely, staring at her for the answer, _Doesn't she?_

Watching her thinking it all through, I couldn't be sure if that was what she wanted anymore. But I couldn't be weak enough to hope she'd changed her mind.

 _Just ask her_! My heart yelled out in reply to my torment.

I didn't. Instead I thought about the time we had left together. How I should spend it. Once Clarke was returned to her people she would be on her own. I had to make sure she was protected.

"Clarke, would you like to continue training?" I asked her with serious eyes when she looked back at me. She frowned for my question.

"I'm not really up for playing sword fights, Lexa" she mumbled touching a hand to her arm in pain. I looked down to it myself before I answered.

"I know. But I am not asking you if you want to spar. I was asking if you wanted to train"

Clarke stared at me confused, "Isn't sparring training?"

I smiled, "Only a small part of it. A warrior needs more than to just perfect their physical strength. Half the battle is fought with your mind"

"You mean mental training?" she asked ducking sideways to avoid a low branch. The move had her leaning too far out of her saddle, and she would have fallen had I not immediately reached over to catch her.

Clarke looked up at my arm wrapped around her back. At my face inches from her own. I fought with myself as I gazed down at her. She was so close.

 _Not yet,_ I reminded myself and forced the arm bracing her back to lift her away.

"Yes" I told her breaking her dazed look at me, "Mental training"

Gently I tipped her back into her saddle with an ordering look for the warriors around us to silence their amused whispers. I gave another to the warrior walking past beside Meesha to order her to help Clarke sit right. Clarke thanked us both and continued her ride.

"So," Clarke said looking back at me with a weak smile, "Mental training. What does that involve?"

"Strengthening your mind" I answered pulling my eyes all over her pallid complexion, "A weak mind makes a weak warrior"

She nodded in understanding and smiled for me to continue. I hesitated but carried on regardless. She wanted to be distracted from her pain.

"Our warriors are trained from infancy" I began, "When their spirit shows promise of a good warrior we take them and train them. Both in body and mind"

"Like the nightbloods?" she asked. I shook my head.

"Nightbloods are different. We are taken to be schooled as soon as our blood is revealed"

Clarke looked surprised. She turned her head away with her thoughts before she asked me to continue. I saw her question though and let go of a deep sigh before I answered her.

"I was very young. A baby. Polis has been my home for a very long time"

"But you're Trikru?" Clarke looked completely confused. I didn't blame her. It was true I should have been a warrior of polis. But a warrior chooses their clan.

"Anya was Trikru" I answered, "My mother was Trikru. I am Trikru"

She looked like she had more questions to ask but I didn't want to discuss my childhood. That wasn't the point of this discussion. It surprised me my drifting off topic in the first place.

 _Did she get you to talk?_ Kiki's voice rumbled through my thoughts. I felt a flare of both anger and fear. I didn't like knowing Clarke could do this to me. It was dangerous. For both of us.

"My childhood is irrelevant" I told her when I saw her poised to give me a question. Her face fell sadly but she nodded in understanding. I shifted a little knowing I had hurt her feelings but cast my emotion aside to speak with her.

"You are in a field" I began locking her attention, "Your people are lying dead all around you. The person responsible for it is stood in front of you. To save yourself you have the choice to walk away. Or you can kill. What do you do?"

"What kind of question is that?" she frowned uncomfortably. I realised what memories she was seeing behind the question but I pushed her for an answer regardless. This was training. I could not be soft on her.

"Well?" I pushed.

Clarke looked away to think about it.

"You're asking if I would choose to be stupid or selfish" she concluded after a moment.

I tipped my head at her. That hadn't been the question.

Clarke explained, "If I want to save myself, thats selfish. If I want to fight, thats stupid. If I want revenge, thats both"

I stared at her in surprise. How could someone so young be so insightful?

"Thats..." I didn't know what to say. Clarke weakly smirked like she knew it, "Thats not the right answer"

She breathed a chuckle at me, "No?"

"No. The answer is kill. That way you save yourself and gain the blood owed to you"

Clarke shook her head with a sad smile, "And what if you die? The cycle goes on"

I frowned ahead at the trail and thought about her answer. I'd never had someone question back before. I'd never had someone give an answer that was both right and wrong.

 _The cycle goes on.._.

Maybe clarke was right.

"Alright, another lesson. What do you think makes the foundation of a good leader?"

Clarke smiled at me, "Now this one I know"

We continued for a few hours. Clarke answered my questions quickly and even cast a few back at me to test me back. Always she seemed to smile brighter when I answered. As if she had gained some deep secret from me. Quickly I forgot the purpose of the questions. I simply enjoyed discussing them with her.

My people stopped when we began to lose light. Clarke's expression dropped sadly when she realised we were stopping for the night. Like she believed we would be parting ways now. It warmed me greatly to see her smile when I asked her company a little longer.

"Unless you would like to rest?" I pressed too. She had been growing steadily paler throughout the day's march. I doubted her energy would last much longer.

Clarke shook her head. She looked eager to be at my side. Something my heart pounding in my chest at. I was eager too.

"Alright then" I gave her a quick smile and turned to give orders to Owin and Klyn to set camp.

Clarke stood patient beside her horse for me to finish. I found my eyes travelling back to her every so often while I spoke to the warriors. Around orders to set up camp and make patrols my glances kept catching on her. And I found it hard to suppress my smiles when she did the same.

"Bring me Jes" I added before the two men could walk away to see to my orders. Owin nodded and sent Klyn off towards the woods to find her.

I turned to see my people setting camp before I moved back to go to clarke, stopping short when I found Cain stood in front of me. He bowed his head down and kept his eyes to the ground. I felt both empowered and deeply hurt by his show of complete submission beneath me. It made him look small. And fragile.

"Cain" I greeted coldly and walked around him. I wasn't about to bow to my regret over his pain. He had brought it on himself.

 _"What are my orders, Heda?_ " he asked making me stop and turn back to him. He hadn't moved. He stood still bowed to the space I had occupied seconds before.

I stared at his back and considered letting him have his peace. He had suffered enough.

 _Has he?_ The commander growled, casting me an image of clarke's screams as she'd been branded. Had it not been for cain she would have avoided that pain. The memory made me mad. Made me want to strike him down.

"Owin is in charge tonight" I told him carefully, "You will report to him"

Cain's face flushed an angry red. I had insulted and humiliated him by putting him beneath Owin's leadership for the night. He turned to me and I thought for a moment he might begin a fight with me, or at the very least an argument. Instead he bowed low.

 _"Yes, Heda"_

I watched him limp off towards the other warriors with the confusing pull of emotions battling inside my heart. I didn't like seeing Cain so weak. It reminded me painfully of Gustus' last moments. Strong men weren't trained to look so small.

A giggling behind me dragged me from my thoughts and I turned with a smile to see Clarke stood laughing between our two horses as they nuzzled her face and neck. Clearly she had something hidden inside her pocket for them.

"You should not treat them as you do" I told her striding forward to pull my horse away. Meesha continued her search though. Her great nose snuffled over clarke's cheek and she butted Clarke's shoulder in beg.

It hurt her but Clarke continued to laugh and gently told the horse to stop. Meesha pulled her head back, but not before she got in one last nuzzle. Clarke gave her a sterner order but her eyes glowed affectionately at the horse. I patted my own steed, smiling at the obedient way he stood still at my side but kept side glancing clarke too.

"What are you hiding from them?" I asked her when he snorted impatiently.

Clarke dipped a hand into her pocket and held an apple out to me. She must have taken it from her saddlebag. I rolled my eyes and reached for the knife tucked to my thigh. Clarke smiled to herself and handed me the apple.

The two horses moved their attention to me when they realised who owned it now. They waited patiently for me to cut it in half and stood quivering excitedly when I held a piece out to clarke for Meesha. We shared a smile when the two horses dove their heads forward for the fruit.

"It will be a while until your tent is ready" I told her as we turned from the horses after, "Maybe you would like to take a walk with me?"

Clarke's eyes brightened at the idea, "I'd love to" she beamed. I couldn't have stopped my replying smile if I tried.

I lead her away from the camp back towards the trail where Jes and Monroh were stood speaking with Klyn. We began making our way towards them, stopping suddenly when I heard Niylah calling out for clarke. Wanheda groaned.

"Go" I told her nodding towards jes as I turned to deal with the trader. Clarke shot me a thankful smile.

"Niylah" She stopped in front of me and bowed her head, "What do you want?" I asked shortly. She peered back at me frowning.

"I had hoped to tend Clarke's back, Heda" She answered looking past me to clarke. Her eyes shone worried on the girl.

I took a step forward, breaking her stare for clarke.

"I require Wanheda's assistance in a clan matter. You understand"

Niylah smiled, "I will be quick, Heda" she promised taking a step around me.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

"You will wait until I say you can heal her" I told her harshly in threat.

Niylah looked down to my hand gripping her arm still and then up at my wild glare for her. She nodded to me.

 _"Yes.. Heda"_

I let her go and she turned on her heel to walk quickly away. I took a moment to breathe calmly and turned to walk back to clarke, making sure to keep my expression neutral when she looked back at me. She shot me a questioning look and glanced back at Niylah's walk away. I nodded.

"Niylah won't be bothering you just yet" I told her.

Clarke's replying smile was one of relief and exhaustion. Clearly she wouldn't have put up much of a fight had she been left to deal with niylah alone.

"Thank you" she whispered and turned to the other women beside her, "I was just mentioning to these two how they should get to know each other a little more"

"Really?" Monroh mumbled back, "Sounded a lot more like an order than a mention"

Jes was smirking when she nodded in agreement.

Clarke rolled her eyes and looked to me for help. I half smiled back at her.

"A warrior and second share a bond" I told the pair sternly, "You two should work on yours"

They eyed each other and clarke groaned at their reluctance to try. I simply shook my head and began a walk past them. I looked back to find clarke had followed after me. My nod to jes had the other two women following us.

"Where're we going?" Clarke asked walking steady beside me.

I slowed my pace so she could keep up easy and flashed her a secret look. Clarke narrowed her eyes at me and frowned.

"Jes" I called back after a short while walking. She came to my side and bowed her head to take my instruction.

Her eyes twinkled a little when she nodded and bounded off towards the trees. The surprise of watching her mentor leave suddenly without leaving her orders had monroh standing uncertain behind me.

"Uh.. Am I supposed to follow her or..?"

I heard Monroh shifting awkwardly on the spot with my replying silence and then she ran off after her warrior. Clarke was shaking her head amused.

"What?" I asked smiling at her laughing to herself. Clarke nodded to the tree line.

"That. They're so alike but they can barely hold a conversation that doesn't revolve around training" She sighed to herself and stared thoughtfully up at the sky, "Maybe I can trick them into playing twenty questions or something"

"Twenty questions?" I repeated confused, "This is a game?"

Clarke nodded, "Its a question game. Sort of an ice breaker. Basically you ask each other questions and get to know more about each other"

I frowned. It didn't seem like an enjoyable game, "How do you win such a game?" I asked her. Clarke smiled to herself.

"Nobody wins. Or.. I guess, everybody does"

"That sounds pretty pointless to me. And no fun" I told her bluntly. Clarke chuckled back.

"Lets play and you'll find out" She dared me grinning mischievously. I would have said no. But her smile caught me.

"Okay, Clarke of the sky people" I smirked and gestured for her to begin the game, "Show me"

Clarke grinned back, "Okay... What is your favourite smell?" She asked.

 _You_ , I thought immediately but thought better than to say it aloud to her. I gave it some thought before I answered her differently.

"The woods" I said, "But not on the ground woods. The woods you smell when you climb to the top of a tree and stand above it all. I like that"

Clarke stopped walking to look at me. I stopped too and frowned at her.

"Was that not a good answer?" I asked worried. She shook her head.

"No. I just.. I wasn't expecting it" She stared at me and the intensity of her gaze had me looking away, "Sorry. Its your turn.. To ask me a question"

We began walking again as I thought up a suitable question. I didn't want to ask anything too personal for fear it would anger or upset her. I thought about what I knew of clarke already. And what I wanted to know. It surprised me the millions of things bouncing to mind.

"Your favourite color" I peered over at her walking around a tree, "What is it?"

Clarke grinned. She came back to my side and looked up at me, "Green" she whispered looking into my eyes.

My heart jumped in my chest. It knew immediately what she meant. It wanted me to say something back. Something that would make her heart jump too. But I ignored it and carried on walking instead.

I paused and studied our location while she contemplated her next question and turned to walk towards the sun. Clarke quietly followed.

"How old are you, Lexa?" She asked in a frowning voice.

I felt myself look up. It surprised me she didn't know. But then she'd never asked before.

"I've seen twenty-two summers" I told her smirking in humour when her eyes widened in shock. Clearly she believed me to be younger.

 _Or older_ , my mind teased enjoying our game.

Clarke was shaking her head at me, "Twenty-two and commander of twelve clans.. Your people should teach mine about aspirations"

"Thirteen clans" I reminded her with a smile hitching in the corner of my mouth. Clarke nodded, smiling warmly too.

We walked on past a tall oak tree and followed a small stream to a small glade. I saw a felled tree and pointed over to it. Clarke nodded at my request for her to rest and lead the way over to it. I stood still watching her struggle down. Then I sat down beside her and watched her peer about at the quiet space. Already she was making a sketch in her mind.

"You lived in space your whole life," I spoke up after a while.

Clarke stopped her study of the flowers paving the stream's bank. She turned back to me and watched me carefully for the question.

I trod lightly with it, "You saw many stars. What was your favourite one?"

Clarke chuckled softly, "I didn't really see them. Up there they're still just lights. But my favourite constellation is Pegusus. The flying horse"

I frowned. I didn't understand what a constellation was. And horses couldn't fly. Even in space. Clarke tried to explain it to me. But I failed to pay the right attention to her. I simply watched her lips move and her eyes brighten. She looked beautiful.

"You're not listening, are you?" She questioned stopping mid-speech. I shook myself, embarrassed.

"I was listening out for trouble" I lied giving clarke an apologetic look while my face grew hot. I ignored the strange response in myself and gestured for her to continue, "It is your turn to question, Princess"

Clarke frowned at me.

"Why do you keep calling me that?" She asked. I blinked back at her. Did she find it insulting?

'When I first heard reports of your people's existence I was told that was your name. My scouts informed me that was what your people called you" Clarke's frown faded and she nodded understanding, "Clarke, if you wish for me to stop calling you this then by all means-"

"No!" she rushed at me, "No, its fine. I like it"

I smiled at her and nodded pleased.

"Its your turn" she reminded.

I looked away to think and realised how dark it was getting. I shook my head to her. I had to end the game.

"We should return to my people" I told her standing to walk her back to our camp, "You need to rest, clarke"

She looked paler than before. And I could see her hands shaking again. Her breaths were steadily becoming much more laboured, even though she wasn't exerting herself at all. It made me believe she had been hiding her pain before.

Clarke's eyes fell disappointed. She didn't look happy with my comment. But maybe she agreed with me.

"Okay" she sighed.

She stood and immediately swayed back down. I caught and steadied her with a worried look. She gave me an irritated one back and nodded for me to lead the way. I stood back at her request and gave her the space she wanted.

We walked in silence back to camp. Jes and Monroh rejoined us back on the trail. They each saw our lack of conversation and respected our silence enough to not break it. I was thankful for it. I was too tired to speak anymore.

"Niylah is waiting for you" I said to clarke when we entered the camp and she turned back to me. My heart throbbed seeing her look so miserably towards her tent.

"Lexa-" I stood back shaking my head. I wouldn't let her use me as an excuse to further avoid the trader.

"We will speak tomorrow" I promised her giving her a quick smile, "Go rest, clarke. Please"

Clarke's eyes flickered over my face. Then she left.

I ignored Owin's walk back to me to watch clarke approach her tent. Niylah was stood in front of it with her her arms crossed. She looked unhappy with clarke. They exchanged brief words and I watched in deep interest when Niylah bowed her head to whisper in clarke's ear.

I forced myself to look back to the warrior giving me his report while the two women disappeared together into clarke's tent.

"Thank you, owin" I growled despite myself.

He looked confused for it and stood back with an apology in his eyes for whatever he had said to anger me. I shot him an impatient look and left him to walk to my own tent. I was unsurprised to find cain there.

 _"You are meant to be under Owin's orders tonight"_ I told him walking past him into my tent. Cain followed.

"Heda, word has come from Kiki"

My attention shot straight back to him. I turned to receive the message.

Cain straightened his posture and lifted his chin proudly.

"The King's army has passed safely through the village. In a day they will have returned to Azgeda"

"And their number?" I pushed.

"Has not changed" he told me with honest eyes.

I let out a breath of relief. Good. Kiki's people were unharmed and all the azgedians were away from my lands.

 _Now all I have to worry about it their return in Azgeda.._

"Is there any word from Titus, or Arkadia?" I asked. Cain nodded and I braced myself.

"Titus sends word of unrest among the nightbloods. It seems the children miss their Heda's lessons" Cain smiled at me but I refused return it. He continued his report, "The ark is patient for our arrival. But your messenger did say Abby of Skaikru showed increasing concern for her daughter's delay"

I sighed. I knew Clarke's mother would be worried. What parent wouldn't be?

"I fear another war may come the moment she sets eyes on Clarke's wounds" I shared with him. Cain chuckled.

 _"Nothing you cannot handle, Heda"_

I felt myself give a tiny smile before I turned from him, "Leave me" I told him gently.

I heard his bow and retreat from the tent. I let myself give a breath of frustration and stress. I couldn't believe that tomorrow would go smoothly. Skaikru would be mad. For our lateness and Clarke's wounds.

 _Maybe Luna had the right idea after all_ , I thought cynically as I undressed for bed.

* * *

"Thinking about home?" I asked looking back at Clarke riding silent beside me.

She'd been quiet all morning. Her silence growing louder the closer we came to Arkadia. If it hadn't been for her thoughtful expression I would have believed she was in too much pain to speak.

I let my eyes run over her. Despite looking damp from the light drizzle before she looked well rested. Whatever Niylah had given her through the night it had worked.

 _Good_ , I thought feeling relieved myself. My emotions had steadily been winding too tight from my constant concern seeing clarke look so exhausted.

Clarke looked up with my question. She let out a soft sigh.

"Thinking about whether Arkadia is home" She told me and my heart jumped knowing it had been right yesterday. Maybe she believed home was somewhere else now.

 _Maybe Polis,_ it hoped.

Clarke looked up at the trees around us to avoid my eyes.

"When I left, it had a different name. I was different"

"You left a hero to your people, and you return one" I told her to prove she was wrong to think much had changed. I looked away to smile to myself, "The Mountain Slayer returns with the body of the Ice Queen. You bring them justice"

"You bring them justice" she argued.

I met the seriousness in her eyes and sent her a gentle look to calm herself. I felt no desire to fight over it with her so I smiled and looked away.

"We bring them peace" I conceded.

I saw her smile and it made me happy to know she accepted it too. My mind turned back to our walk through the wood last night. To the parts of her she shared with me with our game of questions. She had seemed so peaceful in those moments. And for a time I felt less like the commander and more as Leska. Freed almost.

I found myself smiling for no reason and when I peered back at her I caught her doing the same. Her eyes flicked dreamily back to me a second and she smiled brighter with her thoughts. Perhaps she too was remembering our night.

 _Or maybe another night_ , I thought enjoying the way her face was lit up in memory.

I felt my happiness fade though when I realised the harsh reality slap me. It hurt knowing soon I would be unable to share these moments with her. It hurt thinking how long it might be until I saw her again. If I saw her again.

"We never finished our game" I began huskily, smiling innocently when she peered back at me. Clarke laughed and agreed to play.

The time passed quickly with her questions. At one point Cain and Jes left us to scout ahead, leaving monroh to join in with us for a while. It surprised me how natural it felt to smile and laugh with them both. Normally I would never dream of it in front of my warriors.

"Heda!" A yell went up ahead, urgent and fearing. It stopped my look at clarke and our conversation died straight away.

Immediately I locked leska away and pushed my horse towards the guard. Clarke followed quickly behind.

"Will?" I questioned.

He shook his head and pointed a shaking hand out to the open space beside us. I moved my eyes from his pale face to the clearing below. I gasped as I stared down at it. My eyes scanned quickly over the broken banners and dark red soaked into the mud. They settled on all the bodies lying still against one another. Grief took me when I realised who they were.

 _Indra's army!_

My heart screamed in fear. My mind howled in anger. I swallowed their combined pain and forced myself to keep from showing it.

Clarke rode up beside me and gasped loudly when she saw it too. I could feel her fear shake beside me as she took it all in.

I turned my head back to Will. I had pain in my heart and anger in my soul. We would find out who did this.

"Search them" I told him, "Find me an answer for this"

His eyes hardened and he nodded and unsheathed his sword. I turned when he began shouting at the other warriors to climb down with him to search the field. Clarke dismounted too and began her own descent down the hill. I leapt off my horse to stop her.

"No!"

I grabbed her hand and pulled her back.

"We don't know if its safe" I told her.

She shook her head at me and walked down anyway. I followed her when I realised I could not stop her.

Clarke knelt beside the first warrior she found and examined the body closely. Then she moved quickly on to the next one. And the next one. She seemed to find a pattern in their deaths that she did not like.

I followed dead and silent behind her. I held no emotion inside me as I looked upon the wasted army at my feet.

"They're Trikru" Clarke whispered in a pained voice.

She looked back at me with tears in her eyes. She knew as well as I which army this was. She felt the pain of their loss as hard as I did.

"I'm so sorry Lexa" she told me standing to touch my sleeve.

I rejected her comfort for my grief and moved silently on. Clarke followed quickly and returned to her examining of bodies.

"All bullet wounds" she mumbled turning back to me with fear starting in her eyes.

My hand gripped my sword tight. Bullets meant guns. And guns meant Skaikru. I was silent in my stare back for her. Despite being beyond rational anger.

"Heda!"

I looked to middle of the field. To the guards waving me over. They'd found a survivor. I rushed to the mud and blood towards them, switching to run quickly over the field of dead when I recognised the warrior moving wounded at my guards' feet. I barely heard clarke struggle after me.

I slipped in the dirt as I came to a stop and I stared at the bleeding warrior struggling to breathe at Will's feet.

"Indra!" I cried out in relief for her survival.

She looked up at me and tried to rise.

"Heda!" She moaned and sank back to the ground. I gave her a look to be still while Clarke stopped panting beside us.

Clarke saw my worry for my general and immediately reacted to it. She knelt quickly by Indra's side and pulled her armour aside to look at her bleeding shoulder.

"Ok.." she said calmly looking to Will behind me, "I need bandages"

Indra pushed Clark back as he went to fetch something that would suffice.

"Stay away!" she growled at clarke, "You're one of them!"

My fear for skaikru's involvement in this tripled with Indra's anger.

 _They did this..._

"Indra..." Clarke's begged pushing her hands back to the warrior's wound. I looked down at the hateful glare Indra shot at Clarke in return and questioned it.

"Indra, what happened here?" I asked gently.

Her eyes snapped back to me before she told us in a cold voice, "They attacked while we slept. Our watch was to the north looking for Azgeda. They killed our archers first. Our infantry couldn't get close. Then they executed the wounded"

I stared back at her. Unable to process what she said. Unable to breathe right around my shock.

"The summit was a week ago" Clarke cried in confusion, "How could Kane do this?!"

"It wasn't Kane" We both looked back at Indra, "It was Pike"

Something like horror and realisation blended with the blue in clarke's eyes, turning them a darker shade. She looked scared as I peeled my eyes away from her to the general.

"How did you escape?" I asked her. If what she said was true then indra shouldn't be alive.

"Bellamy" she whispered shaking from her wounds.

"Bellamy was with them?" I heard Clarke ask over my angry thoughts for the boy who would kill my people for his own revenge.

Indra weakly nodded, "He wanted to spare the wounded, but they wouldn't listen. He convinced Pike to let me live so I could deliver a message."

Clarke glanced back at me but I had my eyes set solely on Indra.

"What message?"

Indra looked disgusted back at Clarke.

"Skaikru rejects the coalition" she said in a low growl, "This is their land now. We can leave, or we can die"

My skin burned from the threat. The commander's spirit screamed for me to do something.

I turned immediately to the guards stood watching us.

"Send riders" I growled at them, "I call upon the armies of the twelve Clans. In a day's time, we lay waste to Arkadia and everyone within its walls"

 _"Yes, Heda"_

They turned to leave.

"Wait!" Clarke called after them and strode past me. She turned to me when they hesitated, looking back with with begging determination set in her eyes, "Give me time to fix this"

She started to walk away and I hated myself for my actions when I had my warriors stop her. She turned back to me at their blocking her path.

"What are you doing?" She demanded.

I swallowed and let the commander take hold of the situation.

"I can't let you leave, Clarke" I told her truthfully. Not just because she would warn her people. But because I couldn't be sure she would be spared if she left me.

 _I can't let you die too..._

Clarke stared back at me in disbelief, "So I'm a prisoner now. Just like that?"

Her trust for me was slipping in the seconds it took me to answer. I wanted to stop it from breaking. But I couldn't.

"Yes"

Clarke huffed angrily, "Lexa, let me go to Arkadia"

"No"

"At least let me talk to Kane! We can bring him here" She moved back to Indra's side and spoke softly with her, "Indra, at the summit Kane told me he gave you a radio. A way to signal him?"

Indras eyes refused to look at Clarke. They locked mine instead. Begging me to have Clarke punished alongside those she called family. But she knew I wouldn't do that. I couldn't. Her eyes flitted back to the sky princess when she begged at her to help her.

"Do it" Clarke pleaded, "Please"

Indra looked back to me again. She knew no good would come of this. In her eyes I saw her refusal. But I also saw her loyalty to listen if I chose to allow it.

I looked to Clarke. To all the pain in her eyes pulling desperately at her to avoid another war between us. My heart directed me when I nodded to Indra.

Indra huffed and pulled herself up, gasping in agony when moving hurt her. I held my breath watching her struggle. It hurt and angered me to see my friend in so much pain. I had to focus on clarke's hands peeling indra's jacket aside to stop myself from charging on arkadia myself.

 _I will make them pay for this,_ I growled hotly to myself.

Clarke gently unhooked the radio from indra's belt and asked which channel Kane had picked for them to use.

"Nine" Indra coughed and held hand tight to her shoulder, "He said to press the button four times and say 'Vera'"

Clarke's eyes glimmered sadly at the codeword but I couldn't understand why. She stood away from Indra and turned from us to speak with Kane alone.

"Clarke" I barked her name harshly. I didn't want to sound angry at her but the rage was too great in me. I couldn't help but be harsh towards her. Especially when she was trying to call her people to us in privet.

She turned at my summons and strode back to me holding the radio up ready to receive Kane. It was quiet for a long time. No answer came from the sky man. It did nothing to calm me.

"He could be busy" Clarke tried giving me a begging look to be patient.

I turned from her with a hushed snarl. Her people had slaughtered mine in cold blood. I would not be told to be calm and wait.

"Lexa, maybe they made-"

I held a hand up to silence her. I would not hear her make excuses for them. This hadn't been a mistake. This hadn't been some accident. This would not be excused.

"Heda" I looked across to cain's worried eyes and nodded for him to speak, "We will begin moving the bodies and building pyres. I have sent word to Klyn to bring the rest of our warriors back," I nodded pleased with his command. "I will have your tent raised too. For Indra"

I gave him another thankful nod.

"Send out our scouts" I ordered him, "Tell our people to stand ready. Nobody is to sleep tonight"

Cain nodded. His eyes touched hatefully on Clarke behind me before he turned to see to the warriors. Jes strode forward after. Her eyes were looked in concern on Clarke. She started to walk toward her but stopped when I glared at her.

 _"Where is your second?_ " I growled noticing monroh's absence.

Jes peered at me and pointed to a figure stood alone out in the middle of the field of dead warriors.

 _"Go bring her back"_ I ordered angrily.

Jes stared openly for my lack of compassion.

 _"She is upset, Heda._ She never believed her people would-"

"Exactly" I cut deadly over her argument, _"Her people._ Monroh will stay under guard with wanheda"

Clarke angrily burst through her obedient silence then, "She's not your enemy, Lexa!" I turned back to her, "And neither am I! We are not like Pike. We didn't do this to you"

I let out a slow exhale, "Clarke-"

"Take me prisoner, fine. But leave monroh out of this!" She growled in demand. I raised a brow at her for her brave stand, "Five months she's been with your people. She saved Eko's life. She helped save mine. She has done absolutely everything you have ever asked of her without question or argument.. She was even going to go to Azgeda to stop your clans rising against you!"

She paused a moment to let it sink in before she continued angrier for my silence.

"Lexa, please don't believe Monroh had a hand in any of this. Because she didn't. She is out there upset over your people. Over her people. Not mine"

I stared at her. Her defence of monroh didn't surprise me. But her passion did. She would eagerly throw herself to my wrath if it saved her friend. It was brave. So brave.

 _Listen to her_ , my heart told me.

"Jes," I heard the warrior step closer behind me. Clarke watched me scared, "Bring me monroh"

 _"Heda, please"_ Jes begged me too.

"She is to guard wanheda for me" I relented, eyes locked on clarke's. If she believed monroh was innocent then I would believe it too.

Clarke glared back despite my actions. She looked mad even though I was being merciful.

The radio crackled through our glares. Kane's voice pulled our attention down to it in clarke's hand.

"Kane!" She breathed in relief. She raised the radio and called his name through it. She frowned and shook the device when he failed to respond.

"It's code" Indra told the sky girl in an irritated breath, "It means he is coming"

Clarke nodded though I could see her fear rising in her eyes when they avoided mine. She was scared. Scared that I would have Kane killed the moment he entered our camp. Scared that I would not hear him out first. She believed I was uncontrolled like that. It made me furious with her. Did she not know me at all?

I searched her body language as she awkwardly knelt beside my wounded general and began removing bits of her armour to reach her wound. It was tensed. Wired ready for something bad. I could practically smell the fear in her.

 _She thinks I will hurt her too.._

I turned away in anger and strode to where my guards were mounted waiting my orders.

"Ride to TonDc" I ordered them, "Have the village defenced and ready for attack" I looked to the guard on the left, "You will ride to Polis after. Tell Titus to call the armies"

He nodded understanding. I looked to his companion.

"Rally any remaining warriors from the nearby villages. I want us ready"

They nodded and turned their horses. I heard Clarke stride up behind me. She turned as they kicked their horses into a run across the field and shot me a disbelieving look.

"This attack wasn't some first wave in a war!" She cried at me, "It was a mistake!"

"Are you willing to bet your life on that, Clarke?" I tried her looking down at her angrily, "Your people's lives?"

Her eyes searched mine for my seriousness and when she realised I was completely serious she nodded.

"Yes"

I shook my head at her.

 _Why are you so naive?!,_ I thought biting my tongue from snarling the question at her. How could she not see this for what it was? A massacre was no mistake. A massacre was a message. One of war. She couldn't prevent this.

 _She can only choose a side_ , my heart growled in tune with my head.

I pointed at her to return to Indra, "Heal her" I ordered backing myself away from her when she tried to step closer.

I couldn't stand in her presence any longer. Being around a skaikru - even when they were Clarke- was making me angry. I could feel the rage boiling in my blood. If I stayed any longer I would lash out against her. And though I was angry at her continued defence of her people I didn't want to hurt her.

"Will!" I shouted summoning the warrior forward from the field.

He set down the body he had been picking up and strode up to stand beside me, sword in hand. Clarke knelt back down beside Indra. When her eyes locked on him beside me I knew he had sent her a threatening look. But I was far too angry to care much. The commander wanted clarke scared. Maybe then she would understand I was not going to be soft with her people. This time the commander would take control. This time leska would let her.

"Will, you are to guard wanheda. Do not let her leave this field. If any skaikru attempt to reach her.." I made sure to catch clarke's eyes before I delivered the order, "Kill them"

Clarke's eyes widened in shock and fear again. But she didn't speak up against the order. She knew she couldn't. She was a prisoner now.

Will moved past me to stand directly at clarke's side. He kept his sword unsheathed in his hand and pushed a glaring look on her. She eyed him carefully and then drew her eyes back to me.

"Can I at least check the dead?" She begged me, "Please, Lexa. There might be someone alive out there"

Indra coughed on a bitter laugh behind her, "There are no survivors. Pike shot them all. I am the last warrior from TonDc"

Her statement shook me. It brought forward the dark anger again. It had been calming slowly listening to clarke's want to care for my people. But now it reared back snarling furiously again.

"The dead are gone" I told clarke, answering her plea, "Tend to Indra"

I left them then and made my way towards Cain. I passed Jes and monroh on the way, and my eyes locked on the absolute apology in the young second's teary eyes when they glanced my way. I saw in them the fiery anger building beneath her upset. She wanted to avenge this.

 _They were her people_ , my heart told me, begging for me to forgive monroh. I wanted to. But I couldn't be so weak.

 _Her people did this_ , I thought back to it.

Jes put a hand on monroh's shoulder at my look and began to march her away towards Clarke. I turned uncaring back to picking my way to Cain.

The bodies slowly became fewer the closer I got to him. I was grateful for it. I couldn't bear to see more of my people looking up at me with unseeing eyes. Every one I saw demanded justice. And blood.

 _You will have it,_ I promised their spirits strongly. Their deaths would not go unavenged.

Cain turned at my call and walked back to me. His eyes were heavy with his report. I told myself to be calm as I stood still to receive it.

* * *

"What's taking Kane so long?"

Clarke worried as she paced up and down at the tents mouth. On the floor beside me I heard Indra growl beneath her breath. Clarke's pacing was annoying her. It annoyed me too. I shot her an ordering look to still herself and she did.

"Perhaps he is preoccupied," I offered sarcastically, "Waging war does take up a lot of your personal time"

Clarke looked angry. Her fist curled at her side. Would she hit me? Part of me hoped she would try. If only to find a break in this rising darkness in me.

"Markus isn't an enthusiast of war" Indra commented through our tense silence.

We both looked to her. She ignored us and continued staring at the wall as if she hadn't spoken. Clarke looked back at me to share her concern for the warrior before she moved to check indra's wounds.

I took a few steps closer. I had been keeping my distance from Clarke. I didn't trust myself against the constant urge I felt to take hold of her. To shake her for her stupidity in continually believing her people were innocent. Or to hold her in search of comfort for the loss I felt inside myself. I was still unsure which. But in the shaking gasps leaving indra's reluctant lips I found myself ignoring my own needs to make sure my friend was okay.

Clarke peeled the cloth from indra's shoulder and peered through the stained hole beneath the sopping fabric.

"The bleeding's stopped" she said pushing it back in place. I breathed relieved and began my own pacing. "We need to get you something for the pain" she told Indra as she stood back. Her eyes held the seriousness of a healer. Everything else held the air of a friend concerned for another friend.

Indra glared back. She wasn't going to accept the sky girls help. I paced harder in agitation.

A figure bending beneath the tent flap stopped my reproach back to the warrior. Instantly all our eyes flew to the intruder inviting themselves in. I broke my steps when I recognised her as one of Clarke's people.

"Octevia?" Clarke frowned at the girl looking around at us, "Where's Kane?"

"He sent me" Octevia said back, eyes moving past Clarke to catch on her former mentor, "Indra!" She gasped and hurried to indra's side. Relief blossomed over her features in the dim light, "Thank God!"

I shot Clarke a look over the girl's head. I was not happy with this. I had been promised Markus. Not some child in his place.

Clarke nodded and turned to the other girl.

"How did this happen?" Clarke asked her.

Octevia looked back at her before she glanced up at me. The ordering look I gave her had her talking immediately.

"Kane lost the election to Pike. Everything's different"

I looked back to Clarke. Kane no longer had power?

"Your people voted for this?" I growled.

Clarke's head whipped back to me. She'd heard my anger. She knew I was seconds from calling an attack on arkadia.

"No" she shook her head, "No. I don't believe that"

"What do you know, Clarke?" Octevia burst angrily.

She turned her head to shoot Clarke a short look filled with contempt. I could see in it her blame for Clarke abandoning them. I could see the pain she carried still losing her all those months ago. And her refusal to forgive her for it.

"You haven't been here" she growled turning her head away.

Clarke looked down at her desperately. She looked ashamed but over that she looked determined.

"Listen to me. The Grounder army is gonna be here in less than a day. I need to see Bellamy"

Octevia's glare grew on the mention of her brother, "Bellamy was a part of this. He's with Pike. What makes you think he'll help us?"

 _Even she has given up on him,_ I realised seeing the disgust in her eyes for her own kin.

"He saved Indra's life" was clarke's response.

It had me pausing in my order for Cain to ready our people for war. What she said was true. Bellamy had saved Indra. If he truly believed this Pike was right to attack my people, he wouldn't have spared Indra.

Clarke came back to me, "If what Octevia's saying is true, then Pike trusts him. If I can get to him, he can get to Pike"

 _Her plan is weak_ , the commander growled. I agreed. Clarke would be relying on her faith in this boy. When his own sister had lost trust in him, how could she believe he would hand the real enemy over?

"You can't just walk through the gates, Clarke" I told her seriously, scared to let her go, "You've been living with their enemy. If it were me, I'd kill you on the spot"

Clarke shivered to my truth but stared back at me in a war of wills. She would not back down on this. Not if it saved her people. And I could not let her go. Not if it lost me my main hold over skaikru.

 _Or her_ , my heart bled for me to see that as the main reason. But I couldn't allow myself to. I cared for clarke's safety but my people came first.

"I can get her in" Octevia piped up.

We looked back to her together, and I found her peering up at the two of us, a strange light in her eyes. One that said maybe she was seeing something between us.

I drew myself back from Clarke and pulled any signs of emotion towards her from my face. I shot an inquisitive look towards the younger girl. I was doubtful of her ability to follow through with her claim. She looked stubbornly back at me.

"How?" Clarke asked over our stares for each other.

"Yes," I growled, "How?"

Octevia glanced back at Indra and then she stood.

"There's a weakness in the ark's mainframe. A few panels loose here. A few kicked out of place there..."

"You're certain of this?" I questioned strongly.

"She's certain" Clarke answered smiling at the other girl. She glanced back to me, "You can trust her"

Octevia looked back to me with eyes darkening moodily.

"I lived in those floors my whole life. I know how to get around in them"

I frowned for her answer. Behind her Indra was looking sullenly at the wall. Clearly she understood what Octevia had said. Clarke looked back at my silence and offered me a gentle look to say she'd explain later.

 _If there is a later,_ I thought worried for her determination.

I looked back to Octevia and told her to leave us. She shot Indra a worrying glance but left seeing the warrior closing her eyes to rest. I peered down at Indra carefully a moment before I decided I didn't care much for discretion right now. I gripped clarke's arm to pull her to the corner of the tent.

"Clarke, I don't like this," I whispered to her, "You're not strong enough to be sneaking in and out of arkadia"

She shot me an insulted look and argued that she was fine. I didn't believe her though.

"Lexa, I have to do this" she looked up at me begging, "Please, let me fix this"

I watched her a moment and weighed out my options. I didn't want to wage another war. These past days travelling with her had given me a taste of the peace that lay just ahead of us. I wanted to cling onto that. Just as I wanted to cling onto her.

 _But you can't stop her,_ my heart told me beneath its praying that she stayed by my side this time. I knew it spoke true. Clarke wouldn't let me keep her here. Not when her people needed her. I had seen this too many times before. One way or another she would find a way to get back to them.

 _Just as she will find a way to save them,_ I thought bitterly.

"Lexa," I flicked my eyes back to hers. Clarke stepped closer, "We can't let this end in another war. We've bled enough. All of us. Let me get the one responsible. Let Pike pay for leading my people wrong. Let me do the right thing"

I looked away when the plea in her eyes turned too much for me to watch. Instead I looked back to my where general lay wounded. Indra's eyes watched me hauntingly. In them I saw her disapprove of clarke's pleas. In them I saw her tell me to kill them all.

I breathed slow and searched myself for the right answer. Clarke was right. Hundreds didn't have to die. Only the ones responsible.

"You may go" I told her with a shaking heart.

She looked back at me in relief.

"You have until dusk, wanheda" I began walking to the mouth of the tent.

She followed after me, ducking out into the cold world outside. I peered around at the fires burning in the distance. At the smoke rising from them. My skin coiled smelling it. This place reeked of death.

"Cain and Jes will be watching arkadia for you" I told her nodding at Cain when he turned to listen, "You will go in and you will speak to Markus and Bellamy. Then you will return here to me"

Clarke nodded to my orders and called Octevia to her.

"We've gotta go" she told the girl.

Octevia nodded and began rushing towards the edge of the field where a warrior stood holding her horse.

Clarke made to follow. But I grabbed her arm before she could. I pulled her back to me and leant down to her with a serious look.

"If you are not back by the time the sun fades.. If Cain believes you have been taken hostage.." I stared down at her seriously, "I will kill everybody in that compound, Clarke"

 _To get you back,_ I explained in silence when she stared back at me.

My heart was pounding against my chest. It didn't like this plan. It didn't like me letting her go into that unsafe place. I couldn't be certain she wouldn't be cast out, or worse killed, the moment her people saw her. Just to show me that I held no power over them. And to prove she held none over me.

Clarke nodded. She understood completely.

She gently pressed her palm over my hand on her arm, stopping briefly to squeeze it before she pulled it down.

I glanced past her to where Octevia was mounted waiting for her. She watched us with incredible intensely. Even from this distance I could see her features flicking with her piecing everything together. It made me angry. I hated how incredibly readable I was to Clarke and those closest to her. Even when I did everything to ensure that I wasn't.

I turned my focus back to Clarke just as her fingers left mine. I lifted them to keep the contact a couple seconds longer.

" _Come back"_ I whispered to her. With a lot of effort I managed to move myself back. She stood taller opposite me and nodded.

 _"I will"_ she promised turning to walk with Cain to Octevia.

The sky girl leant her hand down as Clarke neared and yanked her roughly up into the saddle. I saw clarke's face twist in pain before she wrapped her arms around Octevia's waist. Octevia turned the horse and looked down to Cain and Jes sprinting off from them to the woods. I could see her eagerness to follow.

I cast her a last look of warning to protect Clarke before I nodded for her to go. Octevia gave me a cool look back. As if my order offended her. She whispered something to Clarke and then yelled her horse forward.

I turned to watch them ride off.

Clarke peering over her shoulder at me the whole way made my heart shake in my chest.

 _Please be safe_ , I begged after her.


	23. Chapter 23

**Oh look! An early update without a wait! Gedding back on it guys! :)**

 _ **You have 4 new messages:**_

 _ **SkyMarie90: And we're happy to have you back! :) I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I've actually edited it (a lot) so there's a little more in there now. Can't wait for more? Me neither!**_

 _ **T wills: Hi there! Thanks for your kind comments. I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far :)**_

 _ **Ana Caroline; We'll have to see what happens!**_

 _ **Sailor Sayuri: I almost uploaded without you! You're forgiven though cos you read A03 too! (Was gonna suggest you read This War of Needs and Young Gods by N1ghtWr1ter but I've just read the recent chapters myself and saw you there in the comments already! Well done! *grins* Check tho, that is still definitely a hint to you other followers of mine. Read them. You wont regret it!) Back to my stuff... There was actually gonna be a sexy scene last chapter but I thought it was a lil too soon so I've tucked it away for later instead. And the 21 questions was originally gonna happen elsewhere too but meh. I figured clexa deserved a teeny sweet break before the bad stuff happened.**_

 **Speaking of, I'm surprised you're all shocked! This part of Clexa's story is what pushed them closer together in the show. And as I've stated before, this is a spicing/epic fucking up of the show storyline. So I kinda have to return to canon. But just for a little while. And I promise its not going to be completely the same as the show! *crossing my heart* I will diverge entirely after this. I just need to steal a couple episodes to push Clexa to where I need them to be for my stuff. Just please be patient with me.**

 **Stealing it from season 2: Home II by Dotan.**

* * *

 _ **Time to fix this...**_

* * *

 **Clarke.**

I'd spent the last ten minutes thinking hard about everything. From my people's cold massacre of Lexa's army to my thoughtless decision to dig them out of trouble. My mind bounced continually trying to figure out how it had happened while my heart skipped nervously in fear. It didn't like being on the wrong side of lexa. It didn't like her anger towards me. And it certainly didn't like this distance away from her.

"How did this happen?!" I thought aloud again.

I was staring at the ground as Octavia's horse walked us quickly through the woods. Beside us Cain and Jes moved silently in steady pace. Both with weapons drawn and eyes scouting around us.

 _"Think less about the how and more about the why"_ Jes told me turning slowly in a circle as we entered a new field that would lead to the back of arkadia. She'd so far spent the entire trip here silent. Just glaring about at anything that moved. Refusing to speak because she was in just as much shock as the rest of us.

I looked down at her glaring ahead at the the tress that hid the Ark from us. She was right. I should think about why it happened. Why had my people chosen this? Why did nobody stop it?

"They were scared" Octavia husked up front. I looked back at her.

 _Scared?_

"Because of Mount Weather?"

She nodded and I breathed out frustrated. By my side Jes looked up at me in concern. I shook my head at her. I was fine. My body hurt but my heart hurt worse. I never thought they'd do this. That Kane and my mom would let it happen. Why didn't they do anything to stop it? Did Lexa's word really mean that little to my people? Did they hold no faith in this coalition at all?

I couldn't help but think that after everything I'd done and been through to protect them.. They'd torn it all down anyway.

 _Lexa will never forgive me for this_ , I whimpered to myself.

It made me angry. Everything I'd managed to gradually rebuild with lexa was stone by stone falling down again. And it was their fault. And now here I was trying to keep from losing both lexa and my people.

 _You can't have both_ , the smarter part of my head told me, _You have to choose a side._

I hated my people for shoving me into this position again. I thought I'd escaped it. I didn't want to be back in the boat.

"They had no reason to be scared" I said looking dully through the trees ahead to the arched framework of the ark sticking up through the air. Another ten minutes and I'd be back there. Back among the ones who'd slaughtered Lexa's people. To once again save them all.

 _If they're even worth saving.._

I honestly didn't know anymore.

"Forty-eight of us died in that mountain" Octavia argued to me, "We hadn't heard from you or Lexa since the summit. Rumours were going around how the commander wasn't doing anything about it. Some people even said she'd planned it"

Cain growled at my side suddenly. I felt his anger too. How could they think Lexa would do something like that?!

"Lexa wouldn't-"

"She betrayed us once, Clarke" Octavia mumbled over me, stopping my defence of the commander.

I pulled myself away from her. I felt angry and disgusted, and ashamed. She of all people should be on my side. On the grounder's side. That army had been Indra's people. Lincoln's people. In time they would have been hers too. How could she be so fine knowing our people had caused this?

"Are you seriously defending what they did?!" I shot at her angrily.

Octavia glanced over her shoulder at me. Beside us the two grounders had stopped and raised their swords with deadly looks for her.

"No!" She answered quickly, "What they did was totally wrong! I'm just pointing out that this is exactly the sort of fucked up thing people do when they're scared!"

Her eyes locked mine on purpose then and I knew she was hinting at what I did in the mountain.

My heart pounded in my chest with the same remembering pace it had that night I put my hand on that lever. It felt scared all over again. As if I was back in that room deciding whose people to let die for the sake of peace.

I bowed my head with guilt and let my anger for her fade.

 _She's right.._

I looked to Jes and Cain and told them to stand down. They lowered their swords at my order. But it looked reluctant. They hadn't appreciated what Octavia had said about Lexa. Cain still looked like he might rip her off the horse any moment to teach her some respect.

Octavia ignored him and gave me an impressed look for their obedience under my order.

"You command grounders now?" She asked giving me a searching look.

I didn't answer. Just shot her a look to shut up and turned her head back round to focus on riding.

"So what exactly was the big hold up?" She asked kicking the horse to walk faster.

I fumbled to answer. I didn't know whether to trust her with the truth. Cain peered up at me deciding what to do and shook his head.

 _Don't tell them,_ his serious eyes said.

I knew why. The second my people got wind of what had happened at the post there really would be a war.

"Peace treaty negotiations," I lied to her. Cain nodded in approval and went back to his walk. I continued with my story, "Azgeda were being demanding"

Octavia snorted, "They should be happy Lexa didn't wipe them out" she grumbled, as if she thought that would have solved everything.

I found myself staring at her back in return. Was this how all my people thought now? Was blood all they cared for?

 _No wonder they let Pike do what he did.._

"Thinking like that is what encouraged your leaders to slaughter my people" Jes slowly growled up at octavia. In her voice was a promise of retribution for the people that mine had killed. And a threat against Octavia continuing her defence our people.

The grounder locked eyes with Octavia and I felt the younger girl's body grow tense against mine. I gave Jes a begging look to calm down. Fighting before we even made it to the Ark wasn't something we could let happen right now. Our people were relying on us to fix this.

I laid a hand on Jes' shoulder and shook my head at her. Octavia hadn't meant what she said. She just didn't think before she spoke. Jes continued her glare though and pulled my hand down. This time she wouldn't listen to me.

"Jes" Cain shot her an ordering look and nodded towards the trees.

She let out an angry breath at him and paced past our horse a moment. Jes gave me a quick look before she ran off to scout the way ahead. I watched her go worried. I didn't like sending her off alone. Not when she was clearly very mad at my people. Letting her go off on her own so close to them was dangerous.

"She is upset" Cain told me taking a walk around the horse to take Jes' place beside me, "But she will calm. Many of our people died last night. Your friend should respect our grief"

"Hey! I'm not the one who-" I nudged my fist into octavia's stomach to shut her up. Cain already looked pretty mad. If she continued to push it I was afraid he'd lose it too.

"How are we getting in?" I asked Octavia over the tense silence that followed.

She didn't say straight away. Instead Octavia pulled the horse to the left and urged it through the tall grass, heading for the same trees Jes had disappeared into. We had to duck a lot to avoid low branches while she urged the horse on to take us a few metres past the trees. I could feel the new stitches in my back strain with every move I was forced to make. I was incredibly aware and scared that I could rip them open any second.

Octavia cut through my worry, "First, we walk"

She stopped the horse and slipped fluidly off it. She then quickly tied it to a tree and walked off alone in the direction of the ark.

The warrior beside me shook his head at her leaving us. He didn't seem to like her wandering off alone. Cain muttered something about Octavia being Indra's biggest disappointment before he turned back to me. His disapproving expression dropped to look confused for my still position on the horse.

"Clarke?" Cain whispered when I failed to get down and follow octavia.

I looked back at him and then over at octavia slipping into the trees ahead. I felt embarassed when I nodded at him for help.

Cain immediately reached up to take hold of my waist. My loose grip on his shoulders tightened the second he lifted me off the horse. My body protested. The pain made me gasp. For a moment my vision flashed black and I was breathing in the fire again.

I felt myself jerk in cain's hold but he held me steady with a calming whisper for me to breathe. My feet gently hit the ground after and I stole a second to take a few deep breaths to shift the flames away. Cain stood back and silently watched me. When I looked back at him I saw him quietly doubting my ability to do this. Just like Lexa had.

 _I can do this_ , I thought angrily to myself, _I have to._

"Guys!" Octavia's voice called from the woods, "What're you waiting for?!"

I looked back at Cain and nodded my thanks for his help, "Come on" I sighed to him.

"Clarke" he touched my wrist and pulled me back.

I turned back to him and looked down to the small knife he was holding out for me to take. I stared at it's sharp point and quickly shook my head at him. I wasn't about to kill my own people. His eyes darkened angrily even though he nodded like he understood.

But he wasn't going to take my answer as final.

Cain let out a soft grunt as he knelt in pain at my feet. His hand wrapped around my ankle as he slipped the blade into my boot.

"Incase you need it" he mumbled rolling my pant leg down over it and standing to limp quickly after octavia.

I felt the cold steel of the knife dig into my foot when I hurried after him. I couldn't help but think he'd done it less out of concern for me and more for obeying Lexa. She'd want me to be armed too.

 _I'm not going to use it,_ I told myself as I pushed my way through the trees to Octavia's side. I'd killed enough people. I wouldn't start killing my own.

 _You may need to_ , my heart whispered painfully. I ignored it. I wasn't that person.

A vision of my stabbing Finn lit up behind my eyes. My heart jerked against my mind's horrible trick.

 _Aren't you?,_ It questioned sadly.

"How much further?" I asked keeping my attention staring ahead. Octavia told me to shush.

She drew her sword from her back and began treading extra carefully over the leaves and twigs littering the ground. On her right flank Cain did the same. I let myself fall back a couple steps and copied them, making sure to tread Octavia's every step. She seemed to be looking for something. A marker maybe.

Cain brushed my side after a couple minutes walking and gave a loud bird call through the wood. I jumped seconds later when another body brushed my other side.

"Scared, brave one?" Jes smirked back at me. Seeing me startled made her eyes sparkle in amusement.

I shot her an annoyed look and stepped out of their protection. I didn't need guarding.

"There!" Octavia picked up her pace and sprinted silently towards a tree. I saw the torn bit of fabric hanging from its branch. She must have left it for herself before.

Octavia pulled it from the tree and tucked it into her pocket. Then she turned back to us.

"Okay, what's the plan here?" She questioned looking between the three of us, "I get you in and then what?"

I felt the Jes and Cain look to me too. I fumbled to stitch together something good enough to work. Right now all I had were weak plans.

"I'm still working on it" I told her ignoring her wide look back at me, "I just need you to get your brother somewhere where we can talk alone"

Octavia nodded, "I know just the place" she twisted back towards the ark and we started to walk after her.

We all stopped when she span again to face us. Her expression made me feel uneasy straight away. She looked like she had bad news.

"Okay, so here's the thing.. We've kinda gotta climb under the electric fence and then sorta scale a part of the ark to get in.." She smiled when I gave her an incredible look.

"You're kidding" I breathed irritably.

Octavia shook her head.

"'Fraid not, Clarke"

"There's no other way in?" Jes asked her. Her eyes had locked on me. I could feel her stress for what I was about to do. She knew just as well as I did that I was in no condition to be climbing things.

Octavia shook her head.

"Not unless you wanna try the front door" she offered sarcastically.

I shook my head. That wasn't an option. If we just walked in we'd never get out again.

Octavia clapped her hands happy seeing my decision.

"Let's do this then!" she grinned at my serious frown, "Oh, perk up, Princess. Its just another day on the ground"

I rolled my eyes the second she twisted around. I wished she'd be a little more serious. This wasn't some game where she could play grounder.

I turned to address the two warriors _._ I wasn't surprised by the overly concerned looks they both shot me straight away. Cain looked worried I couldn't do this. I could see he believed he would be returning to lexa soon to say I hadn't succeeded. And Jes.. She just looked completely worried for me _._

I swallowed down the fear that came from seeing hers and made myself ignore it. I had to focus. Feelings would just hold me back now.

"Cain," I began giving him a strong look, "You and Jes should stay here. I can't guarantee your safety if you're too close to the ark"

Cain nodded in agreement and Jes leapt forward immediately, "Clarke, you can't just-"

"Lexa said you're to keep watch over the ark while I'm in there" I told her briskly, "You can't come with me, Jes" I made sure to keep my voice from wobbling when I added a little softer, "They could kill you"

She looked like she didn't care about that. So long as she was with me she didn't care about the risk it meant. But I did.

I looked back at Cain for help and he nodded.

"Jes, heda gave us our orders" he cautioned her sternly, "If you break from them, you know the punishment"

His warning worked. But barely. She still looked worried about letting me go. I could tell that beneath her calm expression she was completely stressing out. Cain touched his palm to her shoulder and gave her a tight smile.

"Do not worry. Clarke is Wanheda. Nothing can stop the commander of death"

 _Pretty sure a lot can, actually,_ I thought out of fear but kept myself silent.

"She's still human!" Jes cried back, "And she is still hurt!"

She shrugged his hand down and moved forward to take mine. She squeezed it tight.

"Clarke, please, don't go there. Just let your people face Heda's anger. They have done nothing to deserve your protection"

I gently pulled her hand off me. It wasn't that easy. I couldn't just stand back. I couldn't just let Lexa kill them all.

"They're still my people"

Octavia called out for me over Jes' immediate rebuke, with a signal that it was clear. Jes gave me a begging look again. She didn't want me to go. She didn't know if I would come back.

 _I will_ , I promised her. Just as I'd promised Lexa.

Jes' eyes stormed a black color while she accepted my decision. She bowed her head and stared numb at the ground. I wanted to go to her. I wanted to comfort her somehow. But I knew I couldn't. My people needed me.

"Remember, Wanheda" Cain warned as I began backing away from them, "You have until the sun reaches the trees"

I looked up at the sky and I nodded back at Cain. I understood.

"I'll be back before then" I promised but I couldn't help but think this might not work.

 _It will,_ my heart pushed.

 _It has to._

I gave them both a brave look and turned to walk quickly away after octavia. But not quick enough to stop me overhearing the two grounders speaking behind me as they watched me leave.

 _"Don't worry, jes,"_ Cain was quietly saying as I moved further away from them _, "If she doesn't come back Heda will have skaikru's blood"_

I stumbled in my steps when Jes replied _, "If Clarke doesn't come back.. I'll get Heda their blood"_ she growled deep in threat.

I swallowed scared and quickened my pace. I was running out of time.

Octavia was knelt at the tree line when I caught up with her. She sat on her haunches leaning through the gap the branches, peering at the electric fence that surrounded the ark. I knelt beside her with a look behind us to where I'd left the grounders. They'd already disappeared. Probably to find a good spot to watch the Ark from. I turned my attention back and frowned at the two guards walking slowly past on the other side of the fence.

"I thought you said it was just the fence we had to worry about?!" I hissed at her.

"It is" octavia mumbled distractedly as she watched them, "Pike set up a patrol to watch the back of the ark incase the grounders came at them. But nobody can be bothered to run the entire perimeter. They think the fence will keep the grounders out.. These guys'll be gone in a sec"

She stood back and tucked her sword back into its sheath on her back so she could run easier later. I turned away to watch the guards again. I couldn't believe pike only had two of them running defence. Was he that arrogant to think the grounders would take his threat seriously?

The guards walked to the fence line and I instantly recognised one of them as Miller.

 _He's in Pike's gang too?_ I questioned sadly. I was utterly disappointed. Miller was better than that.

They stopped at the fence and spoke to one another with bored expressions. Neither one of them were looking out at the woods at all. I couldn't help but imagine Lexa's armies just walking straight in without much resistance. Pike's defences were shocking.

"Why'd you leave, Clarke?"

My thoughts froze at her whisper and I turned my head back. Octavia was looking down at me, looking angry and sad at the same time. I could tell she'd been putting off asking for a long time. I felt a wash of guilt sink through me. I remembered now why I was avoiding home so long. Why I had been so nervous about coming back.

"I had to" I whispered back with a dead voice.

I turned my eyes back to the guards, closing the conversation. My attention caught on Miller as he knelt at the fence to tie up his boot laces. I watched him smile at the other guard, laughing at something he said. It annoyed me. Why should they be so happy after what they'd done?

"Had to?!" Octavia repeated angrily, "You turned your back on us and that's your answer? You had to!"

I sighed. We couldn't do this now, "Octavia-"

"You are our friend!" She cried at me, seeming to forget about the two guards at the fence. She lowered her voice to an angry hiss when I tried to shush her , "And we needed you! You kept us alive!"

"Bellamy kept you alive" I argued softly. She stared back at me.

"You both did. And then you ran away. To Lexa. Who never-"

"Don't" I snapped over her suddenly and stood to face her directly, "Lexa did what she had to do for her people. Just like I did when I annihilated all those mountain men. If it had been the other way around that night you wouldn't be so pissed about it"

I looked calmly into her angry eyes,

"You can't keep blaming Lexa just because for a moment in the beginning she was the bad guy. She doesn't deserve that"

I turned away after that and went back to my crouched watch of the patrol guards. In my chest my heart was applauding me for standing up and having lexa's back. I couldn't help thinking though maybe I'd just given my feelings away completely.

 _Why isn't she saying anything?_ I worried but refused to look back at her. After another minute she broke the silence.

"So you forgave her?" she questioned in angry disbelief, "Just like that?"

I glared at the two guards turning to walk back towards the ark.

"Just like that" I repeated bitterly, knowing it was far from that easy.

Something pulled at me to tell octavia the whole story. She'd forgive lexa too if she knew what she'd done for me since the mountain. But I refused to. I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I just wanted to move on already.

Octavia sighed deeply, "Clarke, you know its not that-"

She stopped herself. When I looked over at her followed silence she was frowning to herself. I frowned too until she touched her ear piece.

"Got it" she mumbled and moved forward. I yelped out when she grabbed me by my jacket and pulled me up after her.

"What're you doing?!" I quietly cried through gritted teeth. I kicked out to stumble up onto my feet and painfully twisted myself upright so she'd let go of me to walk on my own.

Octavia ignored the dark look I shot her when she let me swipe her grip off me. Her eyes were set on the perimeter fence ahead of us, obsessively searching it for something. She smiled when she saw it.

"That" she pointed at the fence, "That's our way in"

I stopped straightening my jacket and looked to watch the fence for a moment. But I couldn't see what she was so happy about.

Octavia bent down to pick up a stone. She took aim and threw it hard at the fence where Miller had just been knelt tying his boots. I forced my eyes to focus on the air around the metal when the stone pinged against it. I could hear the hum of loud electric reverberate down the sheet of metal. And I didn't miss the break in its song.

I stared hard at the woven metal and locked my eyes on the spot where the electric must cut out.

"Are those Raven's jammers?" I asked peering through the grass at the black boxes tucked discreetly on the fence posts. They hadn't been there before.

 _Miller!_

My heart jumped in hope. Maybe there were good people left in skaikru.

Octavia smiled smugly.

"Bet your ass they are. C'mon" she rushed taking a step out of the trees into the open, "The guards are going back inside. We have about two minutes to get through"

I nodded and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking a little with how nervous I felt. I pulled my hood up to cover my face and thought a quick prayer. God knows I needed one right now.

"Ready?" Octavia asked glancing back at me. I nodded, "Try not to get fried" she smirked and sprinted forward.

I scoffed and followed her, moving only a little slower under the pain running gave me.

Octavia reached the fence first and crouched beside it. I ran up behind her and slipped to my knees, keeping myself low to avoid being seen by any lookouts. Octavia untied a metal fitting from around the two posts and pulled at the fence, gritting her teeth and scowling at the metal in her fingers when it struggled to budge. I felt myself panic when she couldn't pull it completely loose and gripped it too to help.

A metal clang wobbled the second we got the broken sheet to break free and we both looked around at its echo. We stayed still and silent for a couple seconds and then she nodded at me to go. I slipped around her as she held it open and wriggled my way into the ark's perimeter with a worried look behind me to make sure she got through too.

"Agh!" she hissed as she dropped the sheet back into place. She shook her hand out as she turned to me. I immediately snatched it up to inspect. Her fingertips were a little red but otherwise useable.

"Just a graze" I mumbled dropping her hand. Octavia scowled back at me.

"It didn't feel like a graze" She looked past me and grabbed my arm, "C'mon" She started pulling me after her.

I gasped out at her strong grip circling my bicep. The cuts and brands underneath it squeezed in protest as she dragged me around the corner of the ark. Octavia rolled her eyes at my pained whimper and let me go, calling me pathetic under her breath as she did. I pressed my hand to my arm the second it was free of her. I could feel it bleeding beneath my shirt.

"Right, this wall leads to the maintenance shaft we have to climb through. Kane's waiting for us on the other side" she waved up at it, "After you, Princess"

I looked up at it. It wasn't much of a climb but I was already one arm down. And I couldn't let her see me fail to climb it.

"You first" I told her, pulling on a flattering voice to persuade her, "You can handle anybody who might be up there waiting for us. I cant"

Octavia thought about it and then nodded, "Yeah. You're right" she smirked and leapt up to scale the wall.

I peeled my jacket off my shoulder the second she was distracted by her climb. My fingers snuck down beneath my shirt and the bandage ringing my bicep and they came away bloody when I inspected my arm. I cussed. How was I supposed to keep it secret now?

"C'mon, Princess! Its not that hard!" I heard Octavia hush down to me in a laughing voice.

I looked up at her already near the shaft window and approached the wall.

 _I can do this,_ I thought jumping with hands out to grip any ledge or hold they came across. I slowly pulled myself up once I found one. My back protested with every inch I gained over the pain.

Octavia directed my climb after that and pulled me into the shaft after her with an impressed smile I could only half return. My arm felt numb and it hurt to breathe suddenly.

"Hey, you okay?" she asked frowning concerned down at my doubling over suddenly. I coughed a couple times and nodded.

"Where's Kane?" I panted forcing myself straight.

Octavia drew her eyes away and nodded her head over her shoulder, "This way"

* * *

"Kane!"

I breathed relief the second octavia knocked on the wall and I saw his face as he pulled the panel away. His dark eyes held a look of surprise when he saw me but he quickly got over it and held a hand out to me.

"Where's my mom?" I asked as he helped me climb out of the wall.

My eyes cast quick around the small room. My heart drummed seeing it empty except for him. My mom should be here.

Kane turned to answer me, completely ignoring Octavia's outstretched hand for help. Behind him she scowled annoyed.

"She's in the infirmary" he told me, "Pike's ordered the recovering reapers to be interned"

My heart growled angrily to the news.

"What?!" Octavia yelped. She gripped the edges of the panel hole and agilely swung herself into the room, "They cant do that!"

"He's the chancellor," Kane told her bitterly, "He can do whatever he likes"

Octavia stared at him and then looked back to me. In her eyes I saw her demand I fix this. I took a quick breath. I'd try.

"Kane, what the hell happened?" I questioned. I touched his wrist when he looked down at the floor, "Why didn't you stop Pike?"

His eyes closed and I could tell from the way his chest heaved that he felt incredibly guilty for what had happened.

"I tried" he uttered quietly and looked up, "But I couldn't stop him. Our people wanted this, clarke"

I started shaking my head at him. I didn't believe that. My people wanted to survive. Why would they openly attack the people protecting them if survival was their biggest priority? It didn't make sense.

Kane looked away from me and back to Octavia, "Did you find Indra?" he asked in a scared voice. Octavia studied him back and nodded, "And? Is she-"

"She's alive" I told him feeling myself get angry, "But barely. She said Pike was sending Lexa a message. About whose land this is now"

Kane's eyes flashed and he glanced back at Octavia. I frowned at the look they shared. I didn't like it.

"What?" I asked.

"Pike gave a speech this morning" Kane began, "When he came back from.." Kane couldn't say it. He looked too torn to.

 _He didn't want this_ , I thought watching him. Inside I was relieved. It meant I would have Kane on my side at least.

Beside him Octavia looked up with dead eyes.

"This land is ours" she said in a thick husky voice, "Resist and you will be greeted by death"

I realised she was quoting Pike's speech. Her cold words blew ice down my back.

"He said that? To our people?" I couldn't believe he'd be so public about wanting to kill our allies. Octavia nodded.

"You should have seen them cheering back at him" she spat bitterly.

Kane crossed his arms and looked down at her sternly.

"They didn't want this. They're just scared"

I felt the rage build in me. That wasn't good enough!

"Fear is just an excuse" I barked back at kane, "And now thanks to Pike, its whats gonna kill all of us"

Kane stared back at me and uncrossed his arms. His face paled like he knew what I meant.

"What do you mean?"

"She means there's twelve grounder armies headed straight this way" octavia told him harshly, "Think pike has enough bullets for that?

Kane's head whipped back and forth between us. His eyes begged me to tell him she was lying. But I couldn't. I was done protecting my people from the truth.

I lifted my head and locked his gaze with my own cold one. I reminded myself of Lexa in the seconds I paused to tell him. I wouldn't show emotion in this.

 _Love is weakness,_ I heard her tell me crossly.

 _And feelings just complicate the kill._

"Lexa is understandably angry" I began slowly.

I was trying to figure out how to convey Lexa's reaction and what she wanted to do about all this without selling her as the enemy who wanted to slaughter us. It wasn't easy in my mind. Her reaction had been terrifying, and justified. But it was just hard to put into careful enough words.

Octavia cut in before I could continue.

"Royally pissed is more how I'd have phrased it" she mumbled with a slight tremble. Clearly she was remembering Lexa's fury back in the tent before.

I hid my own shaking fear for it and continued.

"But she's willing to listen" I said feeling bad the second I saw Kane breathe out in relief. I shook my head at him, "Skaikru will be punished for this betrayal"

Octavia moved to stand beside me. Silently it said she backed this verdict of punishment. Kane's eyes swept back and forth between us before he nodded.

"How many of us were with Pike when he lead that massacre?" I questioned striding towards him. He actually shook a little at the look I shot him. I felt bad but I decided to quit caring. He'd let this happen. He deserved to be scared for what was coming.

"Nine" he stuttered, "All guards"

I stared at him, "Ten guards against three hundred grounders?!" I cried in disbelief before I could stop myself. How was it even possible?, "How many came back?"

Kane looked down at the floor. His shoulder slumped in defeat. He didn't need to tell me. I knew they'd all come back unhurt.

"And Bellamy lead this?" I questioned.

I knew Pike had only chosen Bellamy because of his standing with the others. I wouldn't be surprised if the guards he'd chosen had all been part of the original hundred. It wouldn't have taken much to convince them to go slaughter a bunch of trikru warriors.

"Bellamy's hurting" octavia piped up, quick to defend her brother before Kane could sell him out, "He lost someone in Mount Weather. Pike's been working him over for days and-"

"Go get him" I ordered her. I wasn't about to hear her excuses for him. I wanted to hear it from Bellamy.

Octavia nodded and told Kane to take me to the store unit she intended to lead Bellamy to. Then she walked out. When her footsteps disappeared Kane immediately blurted out with an apology for being a useless leader. I shook my head at him. I was angry but I didn't blame him.

"It wasn't your fault" I told him kinder than before, "But you have to help me fix this, Kane"

He nodded, "What do you need me to do?"

"Take control" Kane frowned confused. I paced while I explained, "Lexa only wants Pike. We hand him over to her and this ends. But you need to take control so this never happens again" I stopped moving to look him in the eye, "Don't ask to lead our people. Just do it"

Kane automatically shook his head, "I can't do that, Clarke. This isn't a dictatorship"

"Well maybe it should be!" I snapped back at him, "We are not in space anymore. We can't afford to let the people's decision lead the way. Because doing that leads to mistakes. Lexa rules us now. We have to stop fighting it. All of us"

Kane stared at me. His clever eyes studied me for what felt like hours before he stood back. His back straightened and his chin lifted in a show of bravery. He nodded to me and finally I felt the tiny sparks of hope in my chest catch fire.

"You're right" He told me. I saw in his eyes a determination to make it right. To lead like I was demanding.

 _He'll do this,_ I thought nodding at him. Secretly I was relieved for myself too. I'd been worried I would have to take up the position myself. This way was fairer to my people. It wouldn't look like I'd just walked in and taken control. I could lead silent through Kane instead.

"I need to speak with Bellamy" I told him turning to the hall.

"Wait, clarke" I paused and looked back at him, "Don't you want to see your mother first? I know you barely got a chance to speak-"

"Mom can wait" I told him curtly and his eyes flashed with suspicion. I avoided the questions in them, "I need to see bellamy" I said purposefully inching myself more towards the red curtains hiding the rest of the ark from me.

Kane nodded and strode to them himself. He stood on the other side of them with a hand raised to warn me back while he checked the hall. I watched his face while he listened out. He looked old. Like the weight of guilt he carried had made him age overnight.

I wondered if I'd looked like that when Roan found me. If I'd looked different from my pain.

 _Focus_ , my head barked.

"Its clear" Kane gripped my hand and pulled me out into the hallway.

I bit my lip when my arm flared and forced myself to keep moving through the halls after him. A few times he pushed me into a corner and left me to distract the person walking past. Every time it happened the torn flesh on my back stretched tighter.

"This one" he whispered opening a door and leaning his head out to the corridor while I snuck into it.

I peered about at the table and electrical leads hanging on the walls. I guessed it was an office for our mechanics to store their things. Kane crept in behind me and closed the door. He looked down at me with worry in his eyes.

 _He's doubting me too_ , I sighed. I was getting sick of seeing that expression on people.

I looked away from him. To the light filtering through the steel blinds on the window behind the table in front of me. I thought about Lexa's deadline. I still had time.

"Are you okay?" kane asked, "Lexa didn't.. The grounders treated you okay? When you.. When you found.. "

I nodded to save him struggling on with his question, "I'm fine" I reassured turning from him to busy my mind with looking at an empty cage by the window.

I peered out at my people walking around outside. My heart squeezed for them. They had no idea what was coming.

"I'll go find Abby" He said backing up to the door again.

I turned to shoot him a questioning look. I already said my mom could wait. Why was he pushing us to talk?

"I don't have time to-"

"She missed you, Clarke" he told me, blowing a shock of guilt straight through me, "For months she thought you were dead. When we couldn't find you, she shut down. Seeing you at the summit barely convinced her you were real. So please. Speak with her"

I stayed quiet. I didn't know what to say.

Kane put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. He smiled gently, sadly, "You're all she's got"

I swallowed and nodded. I couldn't avoid mom forever. She was all I had.

 _Not true_ , my heart bumped defiantly, _You have lexa._

 _For how long?_ I growled back at it. It didn't know. None of me did.

"Okay" I relented in defeat, "I'll talk to her"

Kane smiled and took his hand down. He seemed happy for my decision.

He looked away from me to his other hand after and I saw his smile drop and his eyes widen in concern. I frowned. Now what?

"What is it?" I asked scared.

Kane lifted his hand to take hold of mine. He twisted it around palm up and showed me the blood on it. I froze up.

 _Shit!_

"You said they didn't hurt you.. _."_ His eyes flashed from the red staining our hands to my face and down again quickly when he looked at my shirt.

I looked down too when his eyes widened again in horror and quickly pulled my jacket straight to hide the bleeding wound on my collarbone. Kane stared down at me. He looked scared and angry and disgusted all at once.

"They didn't do this" I told him quickly before he could get the wrong idea, "Kane, they didn't. I did it"

Kane looked at me stunned. I understood why. Who did this to themselves, right?

 _At least he can't see the other cuts.._

It was barely a relief.

"Your mother should look-" I shook my head over him. My mom couldn't see this. Any of it.

"You can't tell her.. Kane, you can't tell anybody. Please. Promise me you won't tell them"

Kane stared at me for a long moment before he nodded and moved back to the door. He told me to stay here until Octavia came back with Bellamy.

"What're you going to do?" I asked seeing that desperate glint in his eyes to get away. He gave me a slight smile.

"I'm going to go talk to Pike. Dont worry!" he added quickly when I looked back at him worried, "We need to keep him distracted so you can talk to Bellamy" I nodded. He was right, "I'll get your mom and meet you and Bellamy back at the maintenance room"

"Thank you" I told him before he could slip out.

He paused halfway out the door and peered back at me curious. I looked back at him openly.

"For being there for my mom when I left. And everybody else"

Kane smiled and left the room without reply. He didn't say but I knew what I'd said had touched him.

I began pacing while I waited for Octavia and Bellamy. I kept glancing between my feet and the table, worrying for the shadows growing longer on the floor. The sun was beginning to set. I probably had an hour at best left to sort this. I worried Octavia couldn't convince bellamy in time. I worried Kane was off looking for my mom to tell her about me. She'd never let me leave if she saw what I'd done. I was worried for Jes and Cain. What were they doing right now? Were they watching Arkadia or had they snuck in to get their people's justice themselves? I had to have faith in Cain's loyalty to his commander. And Jes' loyalty to the both of us.

 _And Lexa?_

My mind whirled around her. I was so concerned about her. She'd looked so upset seeing her people wiped out like that. Which I understood. I'd felt the same. But I couldn't forget the way she'd turned on me almost instantly, scared and worried that I had planned this. Like I could do that to her. I had to believe it was just grief making her lash out like that. She'd be calmer when she saw me soon. She'd listen this time.

 _What if she doesn't?_

I paced faster to block out the uncertain pounding of my heart. I wasn't naive enough to think Lexa wouldn't still attack Arkadia once I managed to hand over pike. Or optimistic enough to believe Pike alone would solve the problem. Her people would demand more for the lives he'd stolen from them. Their way called for it.

 _But its a start,_ I thought telling myself I could talk her into a fairer punishment for the rest of skaikru. I had to.

I continued pacing and let my mind drift over its worry for lexa. I wondered what she was doing right now. If she was watching for dusk and readying her warriors to attack. Or if she was sat with Indra waiting for me to return like she said she would. My heart pined to see her again. The last look she'd given me was so full of fear and uncertainty. She never wanted to let me go. She didn't like not knowing if I would come back. She had to know I shared in her fear. She had to know I didn't want to leave her.

I heard voices near the room. I recognised their squabbling tones straight away. Octavia had done it. She'd brought Bellamy to me.

"Okay" I breathed tugging agitated at my sleeve again, "Time to fix this"

I carried on pacing an extra step as the door opened and octavia walked in. I stopped by the edge of the table when Bellamy unknowingly followed her. He froze just inside the door. He looked shocked to see me here. And guilty too.

I shot him a stern look. He should feel guilty.

Octavia gave me a nod and turned back to her brother.

"Now I'm done" She told him smugly and left.

Bellamy looked back at the door when she slammed it shut behind her. As if contemplating whether he could get away with leaving too.

He looked back to me seconds later thinking better of it, with a questioning look to ask what I was doing here. I stared back and shook my head. He wasn't going to be the one asking questions.

Bellamy looked back to the door and breathed slowly. He was irritated his sister had tricked him.

"Go easy on Octavia" I told him to break the tension, "I had to beg her to get me into camp"

"What are you doing here, Clarke?" His voice was strained, like he was holding it level to stop me knowing he was angry. But I could see it anyway. His face said it all. And the tense way he held himself screamed it. He was furious with me.

"We need to talk" I told him bluntly.

"Oh, you've decided that?" he spat back, "The mighty Wanheda who chose the Grounders over her own people, who turned her back on us when we came to rescue you.. Now you want to talk"

I looked away annoyed. I felt angry at his childishness but brushed it aside. I wouldn't let him get to me.

"I came here to tell you that the Ice Nation has paid a price. Justice has been served for the attack on Mount Weather. I came here to tell you it's over"

"There it is again" he remarked smiling to himself, "Why do you get to decide it's over?" He demanded, amusement fading from his face.

 _He's not going to listen,_ I realised looking back at the dead way he watched me. Like he didn't care, _He's too angry at me._

 _Make him listen!_ My head and heart shouted back.

"We did our part" I shot back at him.

Bellamy's eyes darkened, "We?"

"Lexa and I-" I shut my reasoning down the second his face twitched. Mentioning Lexa wouldn't help me calm him down. And it wouldn't help me from worrying about her.

I tried again, "The Ice Queen is dead. The problem was solved, and then you let Pike ruin everything!"

Bellamy uncrossed his arms and moved towards me. Every step echoed angrily through the room. He looked down and I felt myself want to cower back at the way he towered over me. I forced myself to stand still. I couldn't let myself look weak now.

"Why are you here, Clarke?" he cut impatiently over me.

"Arkadia needs to make things right, or Lexa and the twelve clans will wipe us out"

Bellamy didn't look worried, "Let her try"

I stared back at him. He didn't mean that. He couldn't mean it. I searched his eyes but all I could see in them was that betrayed anger.

"Please tell me that going to war is not what you want!" I begged him.

"We've been at war since we landed" Bellamy's quick words had me staring back at him. I realised all too quickly that I had been wrong. He had wanted this. It wasn't just Pike. It was Bellamy too.

"At least Pike understands that" he added coldly.

"Pike is the problem!" I cried at him. I wanted to shout it. To scream it in his face. Why couldn't he see this was all wrong?!

"This isn't who you are" I told him desperate to get him back on the right side. Bellamy shook his head at me.

"You're wrong" he said, "This is who I've always been. And I let you and Octavia and Kane convince me that we could trust these people when they have shown over and over who they are" I flinched a little at his voice rising into a shout. He managed to bring it down into a snarl, "I won't let anyone else die for that mistake"

"Bellamy" I shook my head at him. I understood he wanted to protect his people. That he blamed the grounders. But this one wasn't on Lexa or her people. He had to see that. The real enemy was pike.

"I need you, and we don't have much time"

"You need me?" He repeated mockingly.

"Yes. I do. I need the guy who wouldn't let me pull that lever in Mount Weather by myself"

 _Because this one can't help_ , I added in thought looking him over. He looked exhausted, unkept, and rung out. My eyes traced the big dark circles beneath his. It was easy to hope he'd been losing sleep over what he did.

"You left me!" He growled, finally voicing his problem, "You left everyone!"

I took a step forward seeing the upset in his eyes, "Bellamy-"

"Enough, Clarke!" he barked and I jumped, "You are not in charge here, and that's a good thing because people die when you're in charge"

I felt my heart stop at his cruel words. I felt all the pain I'd overcome rush back to me. I barely heard him carry on, telling me all my mistakes and how it'd killed our friends.

"I- Ju-" I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say to defend myself. All I could do was hold the tears away and stare shellshocked as he shook his head in disgust and turned his back on me.

 _You cannot undo this..._

 _I can't escape it,_ I finished realising now that Anya was definitely right. I couldn't stop hurting people. I couldn't stop killing them.

I looked back to Bellamy with the pain flooding my heart and the fresh surge seeing his back shake with his silence made my legs go weak. I'd caused him to think like this. I'd made him become this cruel person.

 _I made him a monster too.._

I sank down onto a box by the table and stared at the floor. I didn't know how to make this right. Bellamy was upset and hurting. He wouldn't help me. Not as long as he was mad with me. I thought about my own upset and how I had overcome it, what had broken it for me. Lexa's apology gave me hope that doing the same might help Bellamy.

"I'm sorry" I whispered looking back at him, "I'm sorry for leaving"

I saw a tear slip down his cheek and felt my own build like a tsunami behind my eyes. I'd never seen Bellamy look so vulnerable or hurt.

I choked a little when I smiled weakly at him to understand, "But I knew I could because they had you"

Bellamy stared silently back. He had nothing to say to me. I bowed my head away from him and let myself cry. I couldn't stop it anymore.

Footsteps slowly approached me and I looked up when he crouched down in front of me. My eyes met his gentler ones and I saw a kind apology light his eyes when he saw me crying. Bellamy's hand wrapped around my wrist. His thumb brushed comfortingly along it. I smiled and squeezed my other hand over his. He was in there still. I knew it.

"I know we can fix this" I told him strongly, smiling a little brighter when he peered back at me in agreement. For a second he looked like the bellamy I knew. He looked like himself again.

"I'm sorry, too" He mumbled. I nodded at him. I'd already forgiven him.

The honest light in bellamy's eyes died and he looked down at our hands. His thumb brushed across my wrist again before a cold overlapped it. I stared down at the metal ring of a handcuff holding my wrist captive.

"Hey!" I cried as he tightened it and pulled my hand towards the table, "No! Don't!"

I tugged my hand out of his grip but he'd already tapped the other cuff around the table leg. My tug only tightened the cuff around my wrist. I winced at the metal pinching my skin and looked back to bellamy's standing away from me. I realised seeing his dead eyes watching me that saying sorry hadn't done a thing to persuade him. Because it was far too late for that.

He started towards the door, eyes avoiding me completely. I yanked at the table leg, desperate to get out.

"No!" I cried as he walked away. I yanked harder at the table and looked back to his walk to the door, "Bellamy, don't!" I begged him.

He ignored me and opened the door, leaving without a look back at me. I felt a hopeless sob rip through me as I continued to yank at the cuffs holding me captive. It couldn't end this way. I couldn't let his guilt and anger at me condemn my people.

"Bellamy!" I cried as loud as I dared to get him to come back. He had to set me free. If he didn't Lexa would kill us all.

I looked around me in a panic for something to pick the locks free. The table was bare and I couldn't reach the worktop in the corner. I growled in frustration to myself and tried pulling the cuff off over my hand. I cried out in anger and pain when it locked against the bottom of my palm.

 _We're screwed!_ , I thought helplessly to myself, _We're all completely screwed!_

 _How could he do this?!_

I tried to see bellamy as the good guy still but this wasn't evidence of good. I understood he was angry. I understood he was hurting. But the bellamy I knew wouldn't have done this. He'd have done everything to help me. Instead this bellamy had locked me up. Instead he was letting us all die.

 _Maybe there are no good guys_ , I thought miserably but this time it did nothing to comfort me.

I looked out the window at the light fading faster. Soon it would be dusk and lexa would know I wasn't coming back. Soon I'd hear the screams of my people when lexa's flooded in to kill them.

And then she'd kill me for betraying her.

I continued to panic and kicked at the table with a furious snarl. I told myself to get a grip.

"No" I bent forward and gripped the cuff chain, "I have been through fucking hell!" I growled to myself as I pulled at the handcuffs again. I braced my foot against the table leg and pulled with my entire body against the cuff holding me grounded, "I'll be damned if I let a pair of god damn handcuffs get me and my people killed!"

The skin around my wrist flared a dangerous red while I forcefully pulled my hand back. I was hoping to snap the metal chain linking the cuffs together, or maybe even break the table leg. But I knew when my wrist loudly clicked in protest that it wouldn't work. I'd break my hand before I managed to break these cuffs.

"God damnit!" I growled and kicked the table furious with myself.

A soft thud hit the floor while I panted to myself. I leant around my tied arm and locked my eyes onto the knife that had fallen from my boot.

"Yes!" I quickly snatched it up and began working it into the cuff lock. All awhile I was thanking Cain for giving it to me.

"C'mon!" I growled flicking and twisting the knife. Just when I began to give up it clicked and the cuff snapped free. I laughed in disbelief.

I quickly gripped it and pulled my hand free, rubbing it as I stood to go. I stopped suddenly when I heard someone approaching the door behind me. I glanced at the cuff and breathed annoyed when I realised I couldn't leave it hanging from the table. I leapt back down onto the box and reluctantly clicked the handcuff back into place around my wrist. I was tucking the knife into my sleeve when the door handle came down behind me. I didn't want to use it hurt anyone. But I could use it to threaten my way out of this.

"Whoah!" I looked back at the door opening and a boy walking in beside Bellamy. He grinned back at him, "Caught yourself a grounder girl, huh Bellamy?"

Bellamy glared back at the boy's nudging, "Its clarke"

The boy's eyes whipped back to me and he stared in disbelief, "Damn, Griffin. What the hell happened to you?"

I stayed quiet and stared at bellamy. He avoided looking at me and told the boy to uncuff me already.

"Pike needs to talk to her. Apparently we have an army of savages coming at us" he said looking down at me angrily. I shook my head at him.

"Bellamy, you can't-"

"Yes. I can" he growled over me, nodding at the boy to free me already.

The kid came closer at bellamy's order and knelt beside the table. I locked eyes with bellamy as the other boy uncuffed me.

"Okay, grounder girl," he said gripping my elbow tightly as he pulled me up, "Nice and slow now"

I looked back at him and gave him a sweet smile, "You're Giles, right?"

He grinned, glad I knew his name. He nodded, "Thats me"

I nodded too and moved my arm down at my side, letting the knife slip into my palm in the same motion.

"Sorry Giles" I told him and slashed up.

He yelped at the knife skimming across the edge of his cheek and he stumbled back when I kicked him away from me. His hands were covered in blood when I looked away to bellamy's shocked eyes and made to dart around him.

He grabbed me before I could get past and he caught my hand when I brought the knife back to cut him too. His fingers snatched the blade out of my grip. He looked down to it in his palm and then back to me. He shook his head.

"And you say you're not a grounder" he growled tightening his hold on me the second I tried again to free myself.

I gasped out at his arm constricting around my waist. The lashes on the bottom of my back screamed out at the pressure holding them down. I felt a horrible warm sensation stick to the shirt covering them.

"Giles, you alright?" Bellamy asked out, holding my struggle against him as he twisted himself to look at the boy on the ground.

Giles nodded and slowly stood up. He wiped his sleeve over the thin cut running down his cheek to his jaw. I didn't feel sorry about it. I'd barely done any damage. And that was on purpose.

"Just a scratch" he mumbled coming to take hold of my other side for bellamy. His eyes stormed a dark blue at me for what I'd done to him. I offered an apologetic look back but he rejected it and looked uncaringly down at me for it.

"C'mon" bellamy gruffed and hauled me a step towards the door, "The princess here has a meeting with the chancellor"

I stared at him. He couldn't take me to pike! He'd kill me the second he saw me here because I was his enemy now.

"Bellamy, please! You cant do this! I need to get back to Lexa before she-"

"Your grounder playmate can go to hell" he told me pulling my hands up to handcuff them together, "There's no way I'm letting you leave this camp"

Bellamy and Giles shoved me out of the room and down the hall. I walked obediently along but kept my mind open for an escape idea. I wouldn't go to Pike willingly.

"Pike should be in his quarters" Bellamy told the other boy when he took hold of me. I struggled against him when his hand pressed down over my arm.

Giles walked on ahead to tell pike we were coming.

"Bellamy, you don't have to do this!" I told him twisting myself away from him. He yanked me straight back.

"Yes, I do" He told me coldly.

"Just let me go!" I begged him. He yanked me close again and glared down at me.

"Believe it or not, I am doing this for your own good" He growled at me.

"Believe it or not, I'm doing this for yours"

Giles cried out when Octavia appeared out of nowhere and kicked him down to the ground. She braced her hand around the back of his head at the same time and smashed his face into her knee. He fell to his side unconscious after.

She looked back to us, to her brother's stunned look for her and my thanking smile of relief.

"You can't just hit a guard!" he told her angrily.

Octavia shrugged back at him, "I just did. Let her go" she nodded back to me and bellamy's grip tightened even more. He looked sternly back at his sister with a locked jaw.

"I can't do that"

Footsteps crept down the hall behind octavia and Bellamy's hand left me entirely. He took a worried step towards his sister and told her to go. I took a cautious step back and glanced over my shoulder at the empty hall. I could run now. But bellamy would raise the alarm and I'd never get out of here.

 _I have to take him out too_ , I realised. It was the only way to buy me some time to get away from Arkadia.

I looked around for something to hit him with while Bellamy continued to beg his sister to run. I glanced down at giles on the floor. My eyes caught on the taser stick hanging off his belt.

Without thinking I slipped quickly around bellamy and bent to grab the stick. My thumb fumbled over the handle to press the button to power it. It hummed and lit up and I immediately threw it into Bellamy's side.

Bellamy's body jerked the moment the electric stick touched his ribs. He gasped to gain a breath through the pain and fell to the ground beside Giles where his body twitched incapacitated.

I ignored Octavia's blatant stare for my knocking her brother out and bent down to get the keys for the cuffs out of bellamy's pocket. I panicked as I fumbled with them.

"Clarke, hurry up!" she hissed when the footsteps got louder.

I managed to snatch the keys up and grab cain's knife back. I ran with octavia back down the hall, running even faster the moment I got my hands uncuffed. She lead me quickly through the halls, practically flying through them. I struggled to keep pace with her. My body was demanding I stop moving already. I ignored it and carried on running, not stopping until we reached the maintenance room where my mom and kane were waiting.

My mom quickly caught and enveloped me into her arms. I let her hold me, let myself fold into her body. For a second I was safe. For a second the pain faded and I was back.

"We know what happened" Mom whispered to me, breaking the spell completely, "We know what Pike did"

I gently pulled her off me when it started to hurt too much and she looked back at me desperately.

"Is there anything we can do to prevent a retaliation?" she asked eyes hoping I could give her good news.

I looked hopelessly back. I didn't know. Bellamy had been our only way to stop this. Without him it was impossible.

"Abby, hurry!" Kane hissed.

"We came here to give them Pike" Octavia growled looking at the three of us when she realised we were leaving.

I gave her an apologetic look. We couldn't do that now. It was far too risky.

Kane was quick to defend me with reasons why.

"He's the duly elected chancellor. Our people knew what they were voting for" Kane looked back at me with another apology in his eyes, "Besides, he has the guards and all the guns. We can't get close to him"

"And that's not the way we do things" my mom added sternly.

Octavia looked back at her. I could tell she was sick of them being soft. I could see her tell me that this was exactly why our people had chosen Pike. And I agreed wholly with her.

"Then maybe it's time we change the way we do things" She said back to them challengingly.

I stared at her.

 _Maybe its time we change..._

* * *

Lexa's guard crawled back out of the tent and stood back silent. I took it as permission to walk myself into the tent. I quickly turned and told Jes to watch over Octavia for me. She nodded back and left me to speak with Lexa. My heart hammered with my duck inside the commander's tent.

Lexa looked up from her pacing. She looked troubled and on edge. Like a massive decision weighed heavily on her mind. Her eyes took me in in relief the second I entered the tent before she glanced away and continued her pacing.

I could see her waiting to hear what I had to say. I could see already an anger in her for my late arrival back, and for what she knew was going to be a beg from me to spare my people. I stood still watching her moved slowly to a stop in front of me. Her hands rested over her sword and I couldn't help but shiver afraid.

"Where's Octavia?" Indra questioned suspiciously from the floor.

"She's watching over camp" I told her impatiently. I was too tired to hide my annoyance for her lack of trust in us.

Indra gave me a cold look in return for my disrespect and flashed her eyes towards Lexa as if to tell her she told her so. Her lips twisted a little when her commander completely disregarded our little exchange.

"So tell us, Clarke.."

My attention flew straight back to Lexa's moving again. She held her hands behind her back as she paced a couple steps past me. Purposefully keeping them away from her sword like she knew I was scared seeing them near it.

"How does this end?" she questioned coldly, "Have you come up with a way to save your people yet again?"

Her eyes held mine a second, daring me to tell her that yes, I had found a way. The power emitted from her tall still stance was terrifying. As was the cold way her eyes stared dangerously at me. But her voice was what struck me the worst. She'd chosen her words carefully but still they held all the pain and anger she felt over the death of her people. And her tone, bitter and icy. As if I were a stranger to her again. An enemy.

 _She sounds angry.._

 _Of course she's angry!_ My heart spat back at my fear, telling me to speak up.

I looked back to Lexa's simmering look for me and forced myself to look and sound brave. She wouldn't take me seriously otherwise.

"No" I admitted, and her eyes flashed almost relieved, "Only you can do that"

I looked between the two women in the silence that followed. They both seemed curious to hear me out. To see where I was taking this. And I took quick advantage of that.

"What happened here was an act of war. Your army was here to help us, and my people.. slaughtered them" I bowed my head ashamed, "You have every right to respond. Every right to wipe us out"

Indra looked up at me curiously. Her eyes narrowed at my acceptance of my people's fate. Like she didn't trust it at all. Lexa simply peered back at me as she began her pacing again. Her expression stayed the same but her eyes touched a little agitated at my submissiveness. She didn't like it at all.

"Or.."

I tilted my body round, lining it with the commander's. And I stole a quick breath to strengthen myself. This was the moment I'd been dreading the entire ride back. Because it would either save us, or kill us.

I held my heart still and locked eyes with Lexa.

"You can change the way you do things"


	24. Chapter 24

**Hi again *nervous smile* Its, uh.. Its been a while again..hasn't it?... I feel so crappy about the fluctuating updates... I'm sorry.**

 **So! Firstly I'd like to say that I stressed so much with this chapter after the reviews before. I'm not even joking. Stress levels were stupid high for weeks until I just gave up. So this update is a little everywhere but I give up caring. I'll probs edit later. I know you might not like it right now but I swear its gonna be different. This story has always been write canon to a point and then cut off. So 3-ish more chapters of episode bullshit then we're winging for life. Promise *extends pinkie***

 **Also I felt so incredibly bad about the last chapter so I uploaded some of my other clexa stories. Full of happy times, sexy times, and in one even zombie times. Give them a read if you like. Though they get updated just as regularly as this one. Just pre-warning :)**

 _ **Replies;**_

 _ **Kiet G m; Hello! Another binger? Aw bless you! I hope it gives a nice break from the studying :)**_

 _ **Ana Caroline; You're headed for a first to review award :) Thanks for the email!**_

 _ **SkyWaheda; Your excitement to read makes me smile :)**_

 _ **xxDarkAngelBabyxx; Updated! :)**_

 _ **Sailor Sayuri; Aw no! D: I hope your rentals are okay! There was way too much scowling/frowning/growling in that review ;) But I pinky promise things are gonna be different.**_

 _ **Mb168; From the looks of it nobody saw it coming. But then that's a writers job, right?**_

 ** _Life-is-rolling-keep-on-going: Wow, its been a while! I'm glad you're still enjoying it!_**

 _ **jjmickey: Your enthusiasm.. I'm grinning here :)**_

 **Highly recommending bc he's my fav artist right now; Harvest by Dustin Tebbutt.**

* * *

 _ **Blood must have blood..**_

* * *

 **Lexa.**

Skaikru approached slowly. They advanced in a tight cluster that trod carefully through the mud with raised weapons pressed firmly against their bodies towards the space where I stood in line with a few of my warriors to meet them. Their eyes darted around at us, like prey caught at the standstill before a chase. My people stood still and tense before them. All with hard looks for the murderers approaching us.

I glanced to my side where Clarke had walked to a stop, also taking her people in. Again I felt my body fill with a nervousness. I didn't like her being here. Not where it wasn't safe. I'd ordered her to stay behind. To wait for this to be over. Anger had directed my shouts at her to listen to the command. And it had been fury she had shouted back at me, demanding I listen. Until the sun has risen and the storm in her eyes had broken the strength in me to keep her from harm. I knew she needed to do this. I just didn't want her getting hurt if things went badly.

I peered curiously again at the paint beneath her dark eyes. It had shocked me at first to see her leave her tent this morning wearing it. And it had infuriated me. I had been tempted to order her remove it. She was not one of us. It was insulting. But my heart had realised it for what it was. Clarke was showing her indifference. And her standing as both sky princess and wanheda. The line between the two clans. The balanced edge of both swords. Out of gratitude for her respect to us I allowed her to keep it.

My eyes ran over the warpaint and her hard expression. The woman stood beside me was both the girl I'd watched walk into battle to save her people, and the god I'd witness lay her life in bow to me to make peace. And her presence was trembling. As it had been the moment Roan had stolen her back from the wilderness and delivered her to me. The very air around her seemed to quake and spark. As if at any moment she would wield her power over death and call pain on her enemies. I could see now how easily she inspired fear into others. As easily as I did.

 _Truly, she is my one equal in this world,_ I thought looking her over with pride purring suddenly in my chest for her.

I continued to watch her watch her people. Her eyes for so long had held an open show of distress and fear. Now I saw in them nothing but shame and disgust. Especially when they locked on one boy walking forward with the smaller group of leaders.

"Bel" Oktevia whined softly from beside her former mentor.

Indra immediately barked at her to be silent and moved forward to stand at position on my left. Oktevia moved to be behind her to the right. The spot of a second. The disgusted look Indra shot her had her hanging her head and falling back rejected.

"Chill, Oktevia" Clarke whispered to her soothingly.

For a moment when she looked back at her friend her expression softened into that calmer face I adored so well. But soon it fell back into something harsher as she turned back. I followed her gaze and locked my own on the Bellamy boy.

Clarke had spent the night speaking of her talks with the boy. Desperately persuading me that his actions were a result of his grief for what Nia had stolen from him. And that I of all people should sympathise with him. I had tasted blood in my mouth listening and I tasted it again now looking at the one who had my people's blood on his hands. I didn't sympathise. And I didn't believe clarke's night of effort had been to convince me only. I knew she held conflicted emotion over the boy. I knew she had been trying to convince her self too.

Behind Bellamy I saw Markus and Abby walking fast through the mud after the others. Both with shocked faces for the destruction they saw lying ahead of them. Both with concerned eyes for the girls standing at my side. Both looking worn. Probably from the same night of unrest I had had to endure. Looking at their pale faces it was clear to me that they had in no way authorised nor supported any of this. But it was hard not to hate them. Their kin had slaughtered mine. And they'd done nothing to stop it. Even an attempt at warning me could have had me forgiving them.

 _Instead they let this happen,_ I snarled to myself while I ignored their fearing looks to me.

Abby looked away instantly and shot her daughter a worried look. Markus offered Indra and myself a look of utmost apology. I turned away in disgust. I wouldn't accept it.

My eyes moved past Clarke's cautious glance to me, to where Cain and Jes stood on guard beside her. I gave Cain a quick nod. Jess stood closer to Clarke while he stepped back and nodded to my warriors. Seconds later I saw my scouts appear with drawn arrows behind skaikru. They followed them silently in line, effectively blocking their way off the field.

Bellamy noticed too and gave quick words to the man heading his group. My eyes narrowed on him. I recognised him from the summit.

"Pike" Clarke whispered to me.

I inclined my head to show I'd heard.

 _So this is the man that killed my people?_

He didn't look like much. But then neither had Clarke when we'd first met. And I had hard learned my lesson for underestimating her and her people. I knew behind that weak look were the strong bones of a murderer.

My eyes stayed locked on the man walking towards us. I didn't trust enough to let them stray away from him. Especially because he looked around at the carnage he had created without care. Without regret. I saw only a sense of accomplishment in his expression. And it built a terrible wall of rage in me.

On skaikru's side Bellamy seemed to have mirrored Clarke's passing of information. Pike's eyes searched my line of warriors and locked on me. He looked threatened instantly. My fingers drummed over my sword hilt in reply to his glare. I was itching to take it up and cut the throat of the one who had slain so many of my people heartlessly.

Beside me Clarke shifted uneasy in response to my silent anger. Without thought I slid on instinct a step closer to her to quell her discomfort. Movement that didn't escape Pike's attention. He looked to my side and seemed confused for a moment before he realised who she was. His scathing look of utter disgust for her made me march forward.

Clarke and Cain were on my heels immediately. As were Indra and Jes. A small band by all accounts. But one that had Skaikru leaning back in caution.

We stopped within talking distance of pike's group. Each of us lined up to mirror a member of his band. The air here was thick with mistrust and hate. So much so I could almost taste it. My eyes moved quickly in anger over Pike before they moved to his second in command, Bellamy.

They ran over him, taking him in for what he was. From his ringed eyes to the red spots he had failed to wash out of his padded chest guard. I stared obsessively at it. Knowing instantly what the stains were. It offended me deeply to see him wear my people's blood. I had to remind myself again that he was clarke's friend. But it was hard. Because he was much more than that.

This boy was a murderer.

Bellamy looked away instantly under my cool glare, unable to meet my eyes.

And a coward.

"Commander" Pike greeted sarcastically, as if it both amused and annoyed him to acknowledge my status above him.

My eyes snapped back to him. And I tightened my hold on my sword. Behind him the slow sounds of bow strings being pulled tighter had his people shifting nervously. His eyes held mine a moment, taunting me to rise in anger. I told myself to be calm. This was supposed to be a peace negotiation.

 _Blood must not have blood,_ I reminded myself around my heart's furious growl.

I looked away from him to the pyres burning in the distance to the side of us. Watching the smoke rise up from them made my chest ache.

I raised a hand and pointed out to them.

"Do you see that?" I questioned darkly.

Pike followed my point and then returned to look at me bored.

"I see a field"

I nearly growled for his cold answer.

"A field" I spat back, "Soaked in blood. My blood"

Pike's lips curled back and he sneered, "Now if only that were true"

Cain's sword unsheathed. Behind us I heard Jes and the rest of my people copy him. Skaikru shifted edgily, raising their guns to take aim. I could smell the fear in them. They knew were greatly outnumbered.

 _But it did not stop them before,_ I remembered bitterly as I stared Pike down.

He looked calmly back. Completely unaffected by the threat shown to him. I found myself questioning his sanity. Either he believed in his people's strength over mine. Or he had no care for their survival at all.

Clarke shifted beside me, scared for her people. I exhaled slowly and raised my hand. For her sake I would not let this end in another war.

 _Not yet._

Cain immediately lowered his sword. Around the field the rest of my people followed the order. Pike watched it. Amused and pleased. Like he had won a game. I took an angry step forward to him.

"Three hundred warriors died here" I told him angrily, "Cut down and murdered by those they were protecting"

"Your people!" Indra barked after me.

Pike crossed his arms and looked between the pair of us, bored, "I'm sensing a running theme in the number of people you keep sending to attack mine"

I opened my mouth to snarl back at him but I was cut off by Clarke's own furious outburst.

"They weren't here to attack you!" She cried at the man, "They were here to protect you against the Ice Nation. Pike, you slaughtered all those people. For nothing!"

Pike simply smiled back at Clarke's mounting anger, dark eyes switching back to me in question of her place here. I gave no response. I would not let him think I was so easily read.

"Clarke" I said her name softly, hoping to calm her before she let her emotions push her into acting rash. She glanced back at me and after an angry exhale she stood down and returned to Jes' side.

Pike shook his head at her. As if it disgusted him seeing one of his own obey me.

He turned back to me, arms crossed, "Let's get to the real problem here, shall we? You let your Ice nation friends kill forty-eight of my people and then you did nothing about it. Heck," he turned towards his people, "It was probably your idea!"

A few of skaikru nodded with glares for me at their leader's words. Clearly it was a popular belief.

 _"Heda has more honour than all of you!"_ Cain growled at him and leant forward to point his sword threateningly at pike _, "Your fight will end soon_ " he promised hatefully.

Pike turned round and gave my warrior a bored expression back.

"In English?" He grinned mockingly.

Cain stomped towards him, stopping only when Jes grabbed his arm and Clarke told him to stand down the same time as I did. My skin itched at her ordering my guard down. It made me look weak in front of our enemies. But I knew she'd done it in fear to keep peace. It needed to be addressed but not here. Not now. My eyes cut in secret curiosity at Cain when his head bowed to us both as he moved back.

I ignored the worry and turned my attention back to pike. Back to his accusation that I had done nothing to give his people justice. It made me angry. Angrier than clarke's stepping in on my authority had. To be Heda meant to be the keeper of peace and the giver of justice. To be told I had failed in that was to be told I was a useless commander. My mind snarled in defence.

"No?" I questioned and raised my hand back to signal my people forward.

Bellamy's hand twitched towards the gun on his belt at the warriors dragging forward the cart that held nia's body. Pike turned when they reached the space between us and he frowned down at it. Behind him his people all inched a little closer, necks craning over their leaders to see what was being gifted to them.

"What's this?" Pike asked, voice layered in mistrust as he watched the flies buzz around the shroud of the dead queen.

"That is the body of the ice queen. Nia of Azgeda" I announced loud enough for everybody to hear, "The one responsible for the destruction of mount weather and subsequently, your people"

"Why is it here?" Bellamy spoke up over his people's shocked whispers. Looking around at them it was easy to read their guilt. Especially when they looked back at pike.

"I told you why" Clarke barked back at Bellamy. I let her. She was taking control, showing her people who was really leading. I liked her strength in it.

"This is the commander's justice" I announced loudly, "And you have repaid my justice with bloodshed. This will not stand"

The affect my announcement had was predictable. Skaikru immediately began backing away, each of them looked wildly towards their leader and began edging away towards safety. They stopped and shouted out scared seeing my scouts waiting for them.

"Sir?" Bellamy nodded back at the impending conflict but Pike ignored him.

Instead he kept his eyes level with me. Measuring the anger building in mine. Measuring his odds of survival under it. After a moment he folded his arms and nodded to me.

"And are you going to retaliate?" He demanded to know, "Because I warn you, another three hundred to ten won't scare us"

 _But I wonder how those ten would fare against three thousand,_ I thought angrily.

My mind begged me to do it. All it would take was one quick command and a day from now skaikru would be a problem to me no longer. Blood would soak the ground and my people would hail me forever.

It was tempting. So tempting.

"Would you like me to?" I growled back at him, hoping that he would stop smiling for my threat.

Pike didn't. His eyes moved around the field to my people and I felt a coldness grip my heart when I realised he was measuring how a fight right here would play out. Beside me Clarke was all but trembling. I could tell by the way Bellamy refused to look at her that she was begging him to put a stop to all this. I wanted to calm her, to ease her stress. I had already promised. I wouldn't kill her people.

 _But that doesn't mean they can't hurt_ , my mind offered in rage.

"The truth is, I could wipe you out" I told them all coldly. Pike's eyes snapped back to me, "All of you. Your blood would soak the earth here and you'd be nothing more than a red stain in our history"

Clarke tensed up beside me with my cold words. She felt them as her people did. Direct and threatening. I hoped she knew she would be exempt from such an attack.

"But?" Pike growled. He looked to be finally taking me for my word. The first signs of concern were coming to life in his cruel eyes. And though he glared in anger I knew he was also afraid.

I fought a smile. The leader in me wanted to take him down. I smelt a weakness in him. One that could be exploited. That should be exploited.

But I had promised to leave that part of me behind.

 _Heart over head_ , I bitterly told myself, _Blood must not have blood._

"But I am a keeper of peace," I looked back to Clarke as I continued, "Answering blood with blood is no longer our way" I said, promising her again. She nodded accepting it. I looked back to pike after, "I am willing to negotiate"

He stood silent and considered me a moment. His eyes, as well as Bellamy's, kept flashing between me and Clarke, both of them in awe of her ability to persuade me against killing them all. She stared silent and emotionless back. Not as Clarke. But as wanheda.

"What are your terms?" Pike reluctantly asked.

I measured the calm in his expression before I glanced back to Clarke again. She knew this man. She could tell if he planned to deceive us. Her constant look for him said she wasn't sure. I decided to move forward with our plan regardless.

"Your people will stand down" I told him.

He looked back at me for more. I looked to Clarke's back as she took a step forward, eyes set angrily on the man in front of her.

"And you will stand down" she told him fiercely.

"Ha!" Pike laughed out, "No way" he was shaking his head with a sneering smile for her, "You see, Clarke, I was brought in on the majority vote. The people want what they want"

"Really? Tell me," I strode to be at clarke's side, "How many of your people knew of this massacre before it happened? How many voted for it to happen?"

Bellamy's expression hardened with my questions. His eyes stared unseeing at the ground. I didn't need pike telling me that it was none of my business to know it had been kept a complete secret. Glancing over at Clarke I saw her eyes set in shame on her friend.

I looked away from them and addressed Pike.

"You want to lead your people? Fine. You don't want to be part of my coalition? Fine"

Clarke's head snapped back. She shook her head at me. Accepting their rejection hadn't been part of the plan. I ignored her pleading eyes.

"You understand the privileges you give up standing as your own clan" I continued watching him carefully, "The commander's protection is lost"

"It hasn't done us any good so far" pike returned harshly.

I locked eyes with him and stared coldly.

"I have twelve clans under my rule. And your people have done nothing but attack them since you landed here. How many do you believe want to be rid of skaikru? How many have so far abstained from attack because of me? How many will bear down on you the moment they know you no longer stand as an ally in my coalition?"

I inclined my head towards my general.

"More than eleven" she growled at him "Less than thirteen"

Pike swallowed. He glanced around at his people and then at the field surrounding us. I saw his eyes latch on the burning pyres and the smoke filling the air. They filled with something like regret but then they clouded back into his stubborn anger.

"I won't stand down" He growled hotly. I nodded.

"As long as your people remain peaceful I don't care who leads them"

Because I knew standing alone they would not last long.

"And what do you want in return for these terms?" He demanded, eyes shifting between me and clarke.

"Blood" I calmly told him, "Your blood"

I drew my knife from my belt and straight away Bellamy brought his gun up. Cain shifted protectively towards me in the same instant while I ignored them both to offer the knife out to Clarke as we'd planned. My breath caught when I looked up to give it to her. In the seconds the weapon had come up she'd angled herself too. Moving to be directly in Bellamy's line of fire. Blocking his aim at me with her body. My heart screamed in my chest to pull her back from the danger. But I didn't. I couldn't.

Clarke stood taller opposite his warning expression. She wasn't afraid to protect me. And I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about that. She reached back through my silence for the knife and took it out of my grip to hold the sharp edge against her right palm. Pike and Bellamy watched on confused as she cut a line across it.

"Clarke," Bellamy touched her wrist when she gently gasped out and I felt myself take a step toward her. He withdrew his hand at my glare and frowned at Clarke, "What're you doing?"

"A blood oath" she spat back at him clenching her fist tightly around the wound.

She wiped the blade clean on her jacket and then handed me my knife back. Skaikru watched on in confusion as I took it and repeated her actions to cut a line into my own palm. Then I offered the blackened knife out to Pike.

"You will vow to keep to your lands" I told him bluntly, "Your people will live as you like. But you keep the order. And the peace"

Pike studied me a second and then flicked his eyes to Clarke walking towards him.

"As Wanheda, Clarke is acting witness to this oath. And vowing her own" Pike regarded her a moment but he didn't look like he was going to take the knife, "Or your people can die today" I harshly snarled the alternative.

He took the knife from me slowly.

"I'll protect my people" he vowed cutting his hand quickly, "Whatever the cost"

"Right now that cost is peace" Clarke reminded him taking the knife out of his clenched fist. She tucked it into her pocket and held her bleeding hand out to Pike.

He took it and held it tight in his own.

"I swear to keep the peace" he said squeezing her hand some more.

Clarke winced in return and gave her own swear.

"And I swear, if you break this peace.." She looked around at her people before locking her gaze furiously on Pike's, "I wont stop the commander from getting her justice. You'll have that war you're so eager for. But I won't be on your side for it"

Skaikru stared at her. It was easy to see by the shock on their faces that they had never seen her like this. Some even looked scared. Which was her intention of course. If only she meant it.

 _They should be scared._

My eyes left Abby's pale face as I strode forward past clarke and offered my own hand out to pike. I made him clasp it in his own before I leant close and gave my blood oath to his ears alone.

"Your reign will be short. And it will end badly. And when you are at the end and desperation has you crawling back to us, I will remember this day. And the blood you still owe. And I promise, I will not make it quick. And by my blood as Heda, neither will Clarke"

I stood back then and wrenched my hand free of him. Pike looked livid.

"C'mon!" he growled to his people, "This is over"

Bellamy ignored his leader turning to leave. He instead took a step out to Clarke and softly called her name. He started moving towards her and Jes moved forward at my glare to shove the boy away.

Weapons raised on both sides and the tension doubled toxically in the air around us. Bellamy stumbled in the mud and both he and pike both looked back at me and then around at my scouts still holding their people here.

"Heda?" I ignored cain's silent request for the kill order and dipped my head slightly, telling them all to stand down. When my people did, so did skaikru.

"You have failed to offer me something to prove you are truly repentant for your crime" I told them coldly for their questioning looks.

Pike and Bellamy stared blankly back. Neither of them knew or even acknowledged my request.

"Her people" Clarke curtly explained to them, "The commander wants her people back"

"What people?" Pike tried, feigning innocence.

"The sick ones you locked up for no damn reason!" Clarke snarled at him suddenly before I could, causing warriors on both sides to raise their weapons again.

She continued to speak, with harsh words making the weaker of her people back down in guilt. But my eyes were on Bellamy. With every word Clarke spoke he seemed to grow more distant. More angry. But beneath that initial layer of fury I saw his hiding pain and his guilt. He did regret this. But he chose to stand with it. Revenge was his only motive now.

 _Grief makes us do terrible things,_ I reminded myself watching the war inside him. I did not forgive him. But somehow I did understand him.

"Those people are still sick" Abby piped up bringing my attention back to the leaders speaking.

Bellamy nodded and slowly looked up to Clarke. Though a visible shake passed through him at their eyes meeting his expression remained aloof and uncompromising.

"We'll continue to heal them" he promised her before his eyes flickered away to me, "And then we'll return them"

His eyes glowed honestly but I refused to trust him. I looked to the girl between us instead. Clarke's eyes locked on his and I could see her measuring her faith in him to trust it would be done. It gave me no pleasure to see a struggle in her.

"And Linkon?" Octevia asked out behind me.

Bellamy's eyes looked past me to Indra shushing his sister. His eyes filled in pain at seeing her on his enemy's side.

He nodded to her, "And Linkon" he agreed, "As a show of good faith" he looked back to Pike and smoothly smiled, "Right, chancellor?"

Pike's eyes stayed locked on me. He agreed but I could see a flicker of something run through his expression. And I didn't trust it.

 _He's planning something,_ the commander spirit warned me quickly.

My stomach coiled up tense and my skin blew icily in agitation. All my instincts hummed electrically with the warning. But for the sake of peace I had to ignore them. For now.

"Right" Pike announced. Reluctantly.

Clarke looked at me to ask if it was enough. I rested my hand back on my sword and nodded.

 _For now,_ I thought catching Pike's look to Bellamy. It was one of relief. And one of secret command. Bellamy's nod back did nothing to calm my unease.

"We'll expect them back and in full health with the next moon" I declared coldly through their exchange.

Bellamy nodded in agreement and turned to shout his people to move out. Beside me Cain barked an order at our scouts to let them pass.

"You're forgetting something" Clarke told the two men and pointed to nia's body when they looked back at her.

Pike looked over to it and his jaw flexed in disgust.

"Throw it away" he told us with an uncaring look, "The wolves are hungry"

He turned his back on my angry look at him.

 _How dare he insult our ways like that?!_

Around me I felt the air blow cold with my people's anger too. Each of them felt the insult Pike had dealt me. They waited ready for my order. Beside me Indra growled beneath her breath. In the corner of my eye I saw her hand pull her blade free of its sheath and her head tip towards me in question for my silence. I breathed steady against the rage building in me.

 _Blood must not have blood_ , I reminded myself bitterly.

"And we're the savages?" I growled out harshly beneath my breath.

In the corner of my eye I saw Clarke hear me. She made to turn to speak with me. To calm me. But seeing the fury in my eyes she quickly gave up the idea and returned to her silent watch of her people leaving. I watched too, with a hand firmly holding onto my sword and my body tensed ready for action. I didn't trust these skaikru. Only Clarke's word that this peace would hold.

I looked to where her eyes rested. On the back of Bellamy as he made his way off the field. Ahead of him Markus and Abby were striding quickly forward. It seemed they had seen my reaction to pike's misconduct and looked eager to keep the peace on their side.

Markus strode past Bellamy and gave the boy a look of disappointment before he walked over to us. He stopped with a low bow for me. Abby came to a quick stop beside him opposite her daughter with no such courtesy. Her eyes were too locked on Clarke in worry. She searched her daughter's face with attention latching on the fading bruises around it. Her anger for me was easily distinguished in the tight way she refused to look from clarke. As if she knew I was behind Clarke's suffering.

The sky healer reached a hand out to take Clarke's bleeding one but her daughter immediately distanced herself. Instead she turned and accepted the scrap of cloth Jes had held out for her. She wrapped it wordlessly around her palm. I watched her curiously.

"Commander, if you are willing, we have an idea for the body" Markus began bringing my eyes back to him. He hesitated at my cold stare with a nervous glance to the healer at his side and her daughter at mine, "One that will honour your ways"

I glanced to Indra before I tilted my head at him to continue. If she still held trust for him I would honour it.

"We would like to burn the queen alongside your people. In the home of ours" he told me with a gentle look, "As your traditions call"

I felt myself want to smile when he bowed again. I admired this man. He was brave and respecting. Out of all the skaikru Markus seemed to have the most honest spirit.

 _Next to Clarke_ , my heart argued. I ignored it to watch the man waiting for my answer.

I thought quickly over his offer. I'd been prepared for skaikru to take Nia's body and simply bury it as was their way. And I had accepted that fate for her. She didn't deserve to have a free spirit. But this burial was a sign of Skaikru's hope to ease tension between our people and build peace again, by using our way instead of their own. It would be dishonourable to both skaikru and my own people to ignore it.

So, bitterly, I relented to honour the offer.

"That is a good idea, _Markus of the sky people_ " I glanced sideways to Clarke and nodded my consent. She gave me a thanking look back.

"Where?" She asked him.

Kane looked back to her "The grounders won't be allowed inside arkadia. But there are other parts of the woods where our people have lived"

"The drop ship" Clarke guessed instantly.

He nodded and she turned to smile at me.

"It's far enough away from arkadia" she told me reassuringly, "Nobody goes there either. We'll be alone to burn the body"

I nodded back. I agreed with this plan.

I turned to give Cain orders to move our people there. Indra walked away as I did, limping off towards her tent with an angry pace. Oktevia was watching her worried. I nodded at her to follow the general. She shot me an annoyed look for the order but swiftly moved away after indra. I breathed slowly out before continuing my talk with Cain. Oktevia's dislike of me irritated me. And Indra's anger worried me.

 _"What of our armies, Heda?"_ Cain quietly asked when I was finished with his orders, _"Should I send a rider to send them back to their clans?"_

I looked over my shoulder at Clarke speaking with her mother and Markus. We'd agreed to halt the armies. But she didn't know I had failed to send word of it yet. I shook my head at Cain.

 _"They can meet us on the way back to Polis"_ I told him in stegedasleng, _"If Skaikru attempt anything now I want us ready to retaliate"_

Cain nodded in agreement and strode off towards our people to ready them. I turned myself back to clarke with an empty expression when the three sky leaders looked at me.

"I wondered if Clarke could walk with us to the drop ship, commander?" Abby nervously asked me.

I glanced at Clarke and registered the refusal in her eyes. Though I found it increasingly strange that she was reluctant to spend time with her mother I quickly denied the healer for her.

"Clarke must walk with us" I told her briskly, "As one who brings the body of the traitor to her people"

Abby looked upset. Clarke simply shrugged back at her and turned to walk away. I watched as her mother's eyes follow her. She looked concerned for Clarke. Deeply. I wondered if she knew about Clarke's wounds, or if she just worried for her safety with us.

With me.

"Commander?"

I stopped my study of clarke's mother and peered back at Markus and nodded for him to speak.

"Can we talk?" he asked and I stared back at him. We were talking, "In privet" he added realising his mistake.

I tipped my head a fraction in permission and waited for him to send Abby away. He returned her worried look with a reassuring smile before he turned back to speak with me. I knew immediately from the serious way his eyes froze over that this discussion was not one of peace.

"Commander, Clarke has sustained a pretty serious injury to her chest"

I forced myself not to freeze up, _He knows?_

I remained emotionless though my heart squeezed in guilt, "Yes?"

He shuffled under my impatient tone, "Well, I hoped, seeing as she's been with you, you'd know how exactly she got it"

My reply was instant and harsh, "What Clarke does out of council is none of my concern. Neither is her safety a priority to me. How she sustained these injuries is her own matter"

Kane's eyes flashed with my reply. As if he'd read something different in it.

I held aside my frustration for his quizzical look and turned away from him to walk off the field towards Indra's tent. Inside I found her speaking quietly with Oktevia while the girl redressed her wounds. I watched the clumsy way the sky girl applied the bandages and rolled my eyes. Indra stared angrily at the ground, acting as if her heda was not present. I crossed arms at her sulking.

"If you needed healing you could have asked for Clarke" I told her taking up a serious stance behind Oktevia, "Or her mother"

"That's what I said" the sky girl mumbled.

Indra gave her disdainful look before lifting her eyes to me. They were dark in her anger and locked mine numbly.

"I do not need healing from any of them" she grunted back to me.

I lifted a brow at her and nodded down to the girl knelt at her side. Indra rolled her good shoulder back irritated.

"Go!" she barked suddenly at Okteivia.

The sky girl retreated at the deadly look Indra gave her. She turned and quickly ducked out of the tent. I frowned after her.

"You have an extreme disliking for Clarke's people. Yet you seem to favour that girl.." I looked down at Indra, "Why is that, Indra?"

Indra awkwardly stood and squared her jaw. Instead of answering her heda she demanded to know what I planned to do now. I gave her a bored look back. I was growing tired of her second guessing my motives. I had sworn an oath of peace. I planned to keep it.

"I intend to burn Nia's body and then return home. As should you"

I turned to leave but her bark back at me had me spinning back on my heel.

"You are going to let skaikru get away with this?!" she cried angrily. Her expression darkened thunderously when I gave no reply, "Do you have no honour? Is your justice reserved only for that naive fool of a sky girl?!"

"Indra" I growled her name in warning but she didn't listen.

My skin bristled as she continued. My hands clenched. I reminded myself Indra was grieving. Her anger made her lose sense of herself.

 _She does not mean what she says,_ I told myself. Though the desire to strike her down grew with her every growl.

"They mean to lead you to that dark place to kill you" she warned darkly, "And you will follow because of that girl! Heda.. " She paused long enough to catch my eye. Then she snarled at me, " _She will be the death of you!"_

" _Enough!"_ I shouted at her, voice roaring furious through the tent, and immediately she backed down.

Indra kept her eyes to the floor while I breathed myself into calm. When I addressed her again it was no longer as a friend.

" _You are sick, Indra"_

Her head ripped up and she shook it at the order she saw coming. I ignored her and gave it anyway.

"You are to stay here and rest. And when I return we will ride together to Polis. Where I will expect to hear no more mention of skaikru and certainly no more disrespect for clarke pass from your lips. Am I understood?"

She remained silent so I pushed again angrier, using the commander's tone to gain her obedience.

 _"Am I understood, Indra?"_

She bowed her head in defeat, _"Yes, Heda"_

I left her then. Before my anger could change my mind against punishing her for her disrespect. I walked out of her tent with worry for my general. Indra had always been a little difficult to manage but never had she so openly faced me with defiance. I trusted her loyalty to the point of death. But I questioned her mind when it was so addled with grief and guilt. She felt as though she had failed her people. And doubly now she had watched me deny her the blood owed to her. Would she defy me again?

My worries had me walking blindly to my horse. And I wasn't aware I'd had company on the short journey to him until a bandaged hand touched mine over his saddle. I glanced away to her standing tall beside me. And in those blue eyes I found a comfort only she was capable of handing me.

"How is she?" she husked, nodding back towards indra's tent.

"Angry" I answered her heavily,"And stubborn"

Clarke nodded and slowly a smile lifted her expression from its serious mask.

"Still indra then" she looked down at my silence and brushed her thumb across the blood on my palm, "Let me dress that for you"

Clarke gently pulled me around to stand between our horses and dropped my hand a moment to search her saddlebag for a strip of cloth. I smiled sadly at her while I watched her wrap the soft fabric around my hand. I tried not to, but all I could think about was her tending me the same way after my fight with roan. She handled me just as tenderly now. Like I were some fragile thing she was scared to break.

 _I will miss this,_ I sighed watching her smile lift with her thoughts. My heart bumped sadly.

"One day I'll refuse to fix this hand" she joked softly as she tied the bandage.

She curling her fingers around mine over the wound. Her thumb brushed along the red line tracking through my fingers from catching Roan's sword. I smiled at her. It was as if she had just seen into my mind and picked my thoughts from it. I continued to question how she did it.

"I'm sure I could find a way to hurt the other for you" I teased back to her. I smiled wider when she did, "Or perhaps give you a new challenge. Find something else for you to heal. Legs are hard to fix, aren't they?"

Clarke shook her head still smiling to herself. But when she looked back at me it fell into a look far more serious. Her hand ever so lightly squeezed around my hand again. Her eyes locked mine and I could tell she was in deep thought to something. Something that saddened her.

"I'd prefer you didn't need healing" she mumbled quietly, "The Ark is a long way to travel just for my hands"

And just like that the calm dream was broken and I was reminded again that this was the end of our time together. I could feel my heart crack with the pain it gave me. But I forced it aside and made myself keep my smile at her.

"Maybe" I agreed, "But maybe its not just your hands I would be travelling for"

Clarke looked back at me and the way she stared said she understood me completely. But before I could question it she changed her stance into a more stiff one and asked for our plan. I stood back seeing her once again turn back into Wanheda and tucked my hands behind myself so she wouldn't see them shake in frustration.

"We'll ride to the drop ship and burn the queen" I shared tiredly.

"And then?" she questioned, eyes hard on mine. I took a deep breath.

 _And then you'll leave,_ my heart pined miserably.

"We return to our people" I said a little huskily.

Her eyes flashed and her expression started to dip into an intense frown. I looked away from her, scared she would read me again and know that I wished her stay with me. I turned to my people and shouted an order for my guards to be ready to march. When I turned back to clarke she was still frowning intensely.

"What happens if this doesn't work?" she questioned staring blankly at the ground, "What if our people don't listen?"

"Then we make them listen" I told her boldly, causing her eyes to flash to me in surprise. Clearly she'd had hidden reservations for my loyalty to this agreement. I would have been angered for it. But in truth I found it somewhat endearing.

"Thank you" She whispered after a long moment, "For sparing Arkadia. I know its not an easy thing for you to do"

I nodded, "Blood must have blood has been our way since the beginning of our history"

I gave her a slight smile when she looked down guilty. I could tell she regretted forcing this from me.

"But you are right, Clarke" Her head lifted and I looked down on her softly, "We cannot keep following the old ways just because they are known to us. We write our own history. And it is time we write it differently"

Clarke looked back at me silently a moment. In her eyes I saw nothing but pride for me. But it was soon swallowed by something else. Something that made her worry again.

"And your people?" she asked scared, "What happens when they don't listen? When they hate you for this?"

I hesitated an answer in favour of pulling myself up onto my horse. He stamped a little at my quick swing into the saddle, and both my and Clarke's hands brushed over his neck to calm him. I looked down to her when they collided and I gave her a gentle look at that serious one she gave up to me.

"Then Cain will have the chance to prove himself a worthy bodyguard"

I smiled to myself when her shocked eyes shot over her shoulder towards the place where cain was limping towards the other warriors beside Owin and Klyn. I could see in her a fear for his ability to protect me when he was so hurt himself. But I trusted cain. I knew he would prove clarke wrong. And I did not doubt my own strength.

I looked away from clarke's still worrying eyes to my warriors and I nodded at them to begin the march to the drop ship. At cain's shout to move the small group began to walk from the camp. Following the cart holding Nia's body.

In the same instance jes appeared at Clarke's side with a smile and a hand taking hold of meesha's reins. Her second walked right up to clarke with nervous eyes for me. I sent her a curt nod back to give my permission.

"Need a boost up, Griffin?" monroh asked with a slight smile.

Clarke looked back to me and I could see her worrying what I might think if she accepted her friend's help so willingly when she had rejected mine before.

"No thanks" she said eyes locked on mine, "I got it"

I held in my own opinion that she should accept the assistance and waited patiently. Monroh backed up a few steps while clarke moved to clamber with gritted teeth up into her saddle. When she was seated and had taken the reins from Jes she looked back at me to say she was ready. I nodded and gently kicked my horse forward.

Indra had walked to the edge of her tent as I passed to watch us leave. And I felt her worried eyes following me as I left clarke to lead the head of the march. Again I thought to her desperate words. And again I hardened my heart to them. Indra was wrong. Clarke would not be the death of me. She made me stronger. And I believed that more than I believed that I was heda.

I kicked my horse on with a short yell to release my frustrations and he burst quickly forward at my urging. The warriors parted their tight cluster for me, giving me an open path to the head of the march. There I stayed long into our ride until another rode up to settle in pace beside me. I didn't need to turn my head to know who it was. Her presence always made the air warmer somehow.

We rode peacefully for some time. Neither one of us leaving our heavy minds. I was thinking hard about Indra and everything she had raged at me. I worried she was now another threat I had to keep an eye on.

"It wasn't just me or the name that changed"

I glanced sideways at clarke's quiet voice and saw her back shaking before she mumbled, "I barely recognised any of them"

I urged my horse closer seeing her pain and made to gently reach out to touch her. I stopped myself though seeing the warriors around us. And forced myself to hide my desperate need to comfort her.

"Sometimes people don't change" I told her bluntly, "Sometimes we think they do but a time always come when they show you who they really were all along"

Clarke looked back and saw my serious study of her reaction. Worryingly she gave none. Just simply glanced away and frowned thinking before she turned to me with a dead and hopeless look in her eyes.

"Maybe you're right" Clarke shook her head to herself, "Maybe this is who they really are"

Clarke breathed deeply and looked up to the trees ahead. Recognition flashed across her eyes and I saw a dawning dread begin its way inside her. One much stronger than the kind I'd come to know on our journey from Polis. She feared this moment more than she did her return to her people.

And strangely I found a fear in myself for it too.

* * *

Clarke stood still beside me. Together our eyes watch the pyre burning down to nothing. The rest of our people had moved away some time ago. To ready the two camps for the night. To find food. To do anything away from each others' presence.

I had stayed to watch the flames eat down the remaining form of the ice queen. To stare at the fire ridding her forever from my life. It should have given me satisfaction to finally see her gone. To finally have her erased from my sight. But it didn't. I felt nothing for it. Just hollow. Which irritated me. The death I had given her in no way had repaid the pain she had given me these last few years. I should have been angry. I should have regretted ending it the way I did. Because she should have died slower. She should have been alive to feel those flames licking her skin from bone. But I didn't feel anything. Just an empty exhaustion.

"You having deja vu too?" clarke asked beside me.

I glanced back to her. Her eyes stared seriously into the flames, watching them melt the remains of the ice queen. I didn't understand the look of pity in them as they watched the carcass burn. Like she regretted the queen's demise.

"Deja vu.." I quietly repeated the foreign word and my confusion for it had the corner of her mouth lifting up in amusement.

"We've been here before" she said nodding to the pyre.

My mind flashed quickly to the moment she spoke of and I felt myself soften out of the hard commander's shell for a moment. I thought about the last time we had stood burning a body together. I couldn't help but notice the similarities. Both of us burning someone dangerous to our people. And on the brink of war between our clans. I wondered bitterly if we were cursed to run circles around these moments together.

"Yes" I said looking dully back at the fire, "We have"

It went quiet for a moment before she spoke again.

"You know, I was mad at you for a long time after we burned Finn"

I stared harder at the flames. My skin stung painfully with her words, as if the flames were licking my body too.

Clarke continued, "But I didn't let it get in the way because we needed each other. I realise now that it wasn't your fault" I looked back to her. She was watching me seriously, forgiveness in her eyes, "None of it was"

My heart lifted curiously for her confession, "I know you hated me" I turned to the fire again, chest growing heavy with my guilt, "I made you kill the one you loved"

"I didn't love him" she mumbled back almost immediately, "I didn't even really know him"

I stared harder at the flames. In my chest my heart pounded feeling her look back at me.

 _She didn't love him.._ I felt a loose arrow of relief fill me but it died quickly knowing it made no difference. She had still killed him. She still felt shame over it. And even though she had forgiven me I knew a part of her would forever hate me for that.

Clarke was silent for a long time but she didn't need to speak for me to know what was wrong. I could feel a weight in the air between us. Things we should say. Things we couldn't. I was happy to ignore it. I didn't want to stifle our last moments with more pain.

 _But you can't not tell her!_ My heart shouted inside me.

I breathed deeply against its hard thumping and knew it was right. I didn't know when I would see Clarke again. Walking away from her before without truly speaking my heart had shattered both of us. I couldn't repeat that mistake. Especially not after everything I'd done to her in the past week.

I turned towards her, "Clarke?"

She looked back at me and suddenly my voice cracked out of use. I swallowed the thickness in my throat but I'd already lost my courage. I couldn't tell her.

 _Coward!,_ my heart snarled at me. I breathed slowly against its harsh beating in my chest.

"Clarke-"

"Clarke!" a voice called shrilly over me.

Her eyes left me to look over at a new group of her people walking cautiously through the woods into the camp. One alone rushed in without care for the tense warriors lining the area. Raven stopped to stand beside clarke's mother, beaming towards us and waving Clarke over to her. Clarke's expression lifted into one of surprised happiness before it shifted back to me guiltily. I hid my smile at her trying to contain herself and nodded my consent for her to leave.

"We will speak in the morning" I promised her, secretly grateful for the excuse to forgo our conversation for now. I nodded to her people, "Go now. Be with your people. Rest. Raven looks like she has much to tell you"

Clarke looked back at the other sky girl and then nodded at me, taking my gentle nudge away as a command. I nearly stopped her. When she looked that rejected for being sent away from my side it made me regret doing it. But I remembered why I had to distance her away from me. And it strengthened my resolve.

I stood still and watched her slow walk to her people, head down and shoulders slumped. The girl in me pitied her. But the commander took control of my mind easy, reminding me I had my own people to think about. Worrying for Clarke was a distraction.

Cain looked up from tending our camp fire and struggled to his feet when I turned from the burning pyre and walked towards him. I waved him down and took a seat on my haunches beside him. In the corner of my eye I saw him glance at my hard stare for the flames before he lifted his eyes over to the skaikru camp.

"She is staying. Isn't she, Heda?"

I looked up at his stare for clarke and I nodded, "Clarke belongs with her people" I bluntly told him back, allowing no sign of my misery to escape me.

"And she said this herself?" He asked mindful of his tone.

I looked over to the skaikru again and watched Clarke as she reached raven and was pulled into a tight embrace. My mind flew jealously and my body tensed watching the pain freeze Clarke still in Raven's hold. I locked my body down against the pull to rush to her side and had to watch on as she brushed her friend off with a pretend smile.

"No" I answered Cain truthfully, "But she doesn't need to. These are her people. Her family. This is her home"

Cain was quiet a moment before he spoke up, "Maybe we make our home with our hearts. And not our people" I looked back at him and eyed his soft smile suspiciously, "I do not think wanheda's heart lies here, Heda" he told me truthfully.

I considered it a moment before I choked the hope in me that cain was right. I could not let myself believe that.

"She has made her mind" I said briskly as I stood to leave for my tent, "Wanheda stays"

Cain bowed his head at my weak attempt to be final about it. His eyes took me in in understanding and pity. I turned from it. I didn't want to hear anything else he had to say on the matter. I just wanted to rest and forget tomorrow was happening.

I met with owin at my tent and gave orders for patrols to be sent out. He nodded and promised it would be done.

"And send a scouting party" I ordered, "But make it small. Three should do"

"Scouting party?" He repeated confused.

I nodded, "I want to know this area as well as skaikru"

He bowed his head understanding and marched off to collect the warriors. Skaikru would feel threatened but I refused to let them hold the upper hand. This was my people's land. I would not let them push it against us.

My eyes cast quickly around my warriors before they drifted back to skaikru's side of the camp. There they locked hard on clarke as she stood staring at nia's pyre in deep thought. I couldn't be sure what she was thinking. But I knew it troubled her.

I told myself I could not help her and turned to my tent. The slight tingle rushing down my back told me she was watching me walk away. And I was proven correct minutes later when her shadow filled the entrance of the tent.

"Clarke" I greeted quietly as I began unbuckling my shoulder guard and pulling my sash off.

I felt her eyes watching me before I heard her steps cautiously come closer. I let her. With a curious thought to her reason for being here. She didn't speak. Just reached out as I set my armour down and gripped my hand. I turned back to her when her fingers curled tight around mine.

"Come with me" she breathed tugging on my hand, "There's something you need to see"

I read the desperate glow in her eyes and my concern for it had me nodding. Clarke turned immediately with my permission and I followed at her gentle tug on my hand, letting her take me from the tent. Once outside she released my hand and walked quickly to the edge of camp.

I looked about at our people watching each other tensely. Either side of the fire warriors and guards were pacing in stress. Cain caught my eye as I made to follow clarke, with a look to ask if he should accompany us. I let out a breath and turned my head to say no before I followed Clarke through the trees bordering the campsite. I caught up with her quickly and strode a pace behind her, turning my head every now and then to any noise passing through the woods.

Clarke slowly and quietly walked through the trees, and I watched her carefully, following behind only a couple of steps with ears open in case of an attack. I trusted Markus in his word for my people's safety here. However I didn't trust that pike didn't have some scouts watching the woods tonight. My hand wrapped around the hilt of my sword. Holding it in tight stress.

Clarke's steps were almost silent over the hard ground ahead of me. Clearly she was treading more carefully than normal. Perhaps knowing I would be watching. It caused a strange stir in me to know she was trying. I couldn't help but analyse her as she walked. Her pace, her balance, her choice of step. As if I might tomorrow teach her better.

My heart sank knowing it wouldn't happen.

"Here is where we buried the kids that died during the first month on the ground" clarke mumbled, stopping suddenly on a slope. She pointed to the line of crosses dotted along the slope's shadow, and I heard her take a rasping breath as her point settled on one that looked fresher than the others, "That one is my best friend. Wells. He was murdered by one of us a little while after we landed"

I looked back at her in surprise. Her voice had shook over her friend's name. A deep pain for him resided in her. I felt it inside me watching her struggle to look at the grave. I wanted to comfort her. Hold her hand or take her into my arms. Anything that would stop her looking so hurt. But I didn't know whether I should. Whether it was allowed. With our separation so imminent I feared any contact would be brushed aside or condemned. And I was still so unsure of her forgiveness of me. I didn't want to step across the line when I wasn't invited.

So I stood silent with her until she turned again and walked to the tree line. A tree caught my eye at my turn after her. It was the tallest and it's bark had been scratched with marks. My people had written symbols there. A blessing of a spirit. I started walking. Past Clark to the tree myself. Clarke's slow steps followed after.

"Thats.." She cleared the husk from her voice, "That's Anya"

I stopped dead in my curious walk towards the tree. I felt myself freeze hearing clarke say that name. Anya? What did she mean this was Anya? I turned and the look I gave her had her taking a step back. Her eyes took me in, flashing quickly over my expression. I didn't know what I looked like. But I recognised that look she gave me with her step back. Fear.

"My people buried her" she mumbled and I felt my eyes go wide at her.

"Buried?!" I growled walking back to confront her. She jumped startled but I didn't care. My heart was panicking in my chest with her confession, "Clarke her body cannot sit in the ground! Her spirit will be trapped!"

I turned back to the tree and stared at the ground by its trunk. My eyes searched the leaves covering the ground and the dirt beneath them. I was already trying to hold myself back from tearing it all up with my hands.

"I know" Clarke told me softly, coming to my side. I felt the soft brush of her fingers glide over the back of my hand and it calmed me immediately, "But I didn't mean her body"

I stared at her confused. She looked away, eyes clouding distantly. Her long silence after irritated my patience but I forced myself to wait it out. I needed to know what had happened to my friend's body. And Clarke needed to share this with someone.

"I came here" she finally began, voice dropping lower and eyes glimmering in pain, "After Mount Weather" she husked, "When I left my people.. I went to the drop ship. Sometime between the nightmares I decided to go. I couldn't stay anywhere that reminded me of my people and what I'd done. So I came here to see Wells one last time. I saw a grave standing away from the others and guessed it was Anya. I dug her up... And then I burned her"

I stared at her and slowly unwound from my anger. I swallowed thickly. My chest was pounding sickeningly. I was imagining her having to do that. Having to see what would have been Anya's cold form months after death. The decay and the smell...

I felt the bile rise up inside my throat and shook the disgusting images away. I didn't want to think of Anya that way. Or of clarke having to do that alone.

 _She did this for me,_ I thought watching her staring distantly again. She didn't say but I knew a buried part of her would have made her choose to bury anya correctly knowing it was what I would have wanted. She would have been furious with me at the time and still she showed that kindness for me, her enemy.

I closed my eyes shamed for losing my control at her before. She hadn't deserved that.

"I'm sorry" I whispered swiftly touching her wrist with the tips of my fingers. I needed to share some form of comfort with her. Before the ache to feel her close got too much. Before the pain in my heart grew any stronger. Clarke looked down at our hands hanging close to each other.

"It's fine" she breathed gently, "But you should know I respected Anya too much to let her spirit be denied its freedom"

I nodded and she smiled tightly. She looked up at the tree again and mumbled as if speaking to herself.

"Lincoln wouldn't have her buried either. He followed me a couple days after I left the Ark. He was pretty surprised I was here, actually. I think he meant to dig her up himself" Clarke frowned to herself before continuing, "He told me about the marks. And he drew them down for me to make. He wanted to help but it was something I had to do myself..."

Clarke looked behind herself past the other graves. She nodded over to the clearing, "I burned her body over there. And then I buried her ashes beneath this tree. Lincoln told me she liked climbing them"

I nodded with a sad smile to myself, "I used to believe Anya was born in a tree" I mumbled out, heart and head on in their aching in hurt.

Clarke's hand brushed mine again when my voice filled with misery. I glanced at her pitying eyes and told myself to stop being so weak. It was pathetic. My shoulders rolled and my back straightened into the commander's stance. But my heart could not accept my order to be strong. It wanted to hurt. And it wanted Clarke to witness it. I struggled over myself while Clarke watched me. She looked away to the tree sensing my embarrassment to contain myself and touched the tree.

"I thought maybe she would like to climb this one to her next life"

I watched her silently. Wondering how again how such an honest beautiful woman full of such compassion and kindness could live in a world so cold as this one?

I turned myself away from her and touched the chipped bark and bowed my head. My heart was filling with too much grief suddenly. I wasn't sure I could control it. My hand splayed out further, seeking comfort from the friend whose ashes had been laid here. I looked back when my fingers touched clarke's.

I looked back at her. I felt an overwhelming mix of feelings for her. Gratitude. Respect. And something deeper that scared me too much to name.

"Thank you for caring after her" I whispered taking the extra step toward her.

Maybe she saw my intention to hold her. Maybe she saw the need in me to feel her for once. To seek a comfort only she possessed. Because her eyes dropped away from me and she flinched seeing my hand rise near her.

Clarke drew herself away from me with eyes posted to the ground beside us.

"Don't" she told me, "I can't let you do that"

I smiled gently at her, "Clarke-"

"I lied to you" she mumbled refusing to look at me. I froze and frowned at her.

 _Lied?_

"About how anya died" she continued dragging her eyes to me. She looked at me carefully, "She didn't die well. She died covered in mud and choking on her own blood from being shot by one of my people"

I stared at her. I didn't understand what she was telling me. She had said Anya had died well. She had said that. When she'd handed me Anya's braid she'd eased the pain in my heart with those words. And now she was telling me they were untrue?

Clarke flinched to herself with my silence and continued, rambling as if in panic to make me understand.

"She had been on her way to you, with a message for peace from me. A skaikru patrol had been watching us. They shot her as she was walking away from our camp. And they shot me when I ran to her" I winced despite myself and watched her hold a hand briefly to her right shoulder, "I tried to save her. I did, Lexa, I really tried. But I couldn't. She was bleeding too much. If we were closer to my people maybe I could have. Maybe my mom could have.." She closed her eyes and let out a heavy breath, "I was at anya's side when she died. She wasn't alone"

"Your people...shot her... in the back?" I snarled the words slowly. Clarke flinched and nodded. I stood back from her, "And you lied about it to me. Why?"

"I needed you to hear me out. I was trying to make peace. I knew you wouldn't be willing-"

"So you lied to me to save your people?!" I yelled at her. Furiously I pulled Anya's braid from my pocket and held it to her eyes, "You knew she meant something to me so you used this to win my trust? What else have you lied about to gain my support, Clarke of the sky people?!" I spat walking towards her.

Clarke jumped back but I followed, backing her against the tree that held my friend. Her back hit it hard and she shook with the pain it pushed through her damaged skin beneath her jacket. Seeing her hurt levelled my anger but only just. I was still incredibly mad with her.

"What would you have done?" She questioned me calmly holding my eyes, "If I held the power over your people's lives and you had my friends death on your hands, would you have told me knowing it might build trust, or would you have kept it secret?"

The commander in me reared furious for her defiant counter. It whispered for me to push back. But I didn't. Instead I hesitated and she knew she had me. Clarke moved bravely forward, standing toe to toe with me.

"Lexa, I didn't have to tell you about Anya. I knew there was a chance that you would kill me for it. I could have let you believe she'd been burned here with your other warriors. Or I could have let you think the mountain had her. But I didn't. I told you because even though you were my enemy you deserved to know your friend was dead"

I stared down at her. I was breathing quick to keep from lashing out. I was so mad but she spoke true and I knew that. My grief was just clouding my judgement.

 _This is just like the mountain,_ I realised as I stared at the desperate plea in her eyes for me to understand. My heart ached in that old pain again and told me to calm down and see it from clarke's point of view. She hadn't done this to be malicious, or to use me. She had done it for the foundation of peace. And now she told me because she believed she wouldn't see me after tomorrow.

 _Apologise,_ it told me squeezing painfully when I refused to. I would not apologise for my reaction. I felt it was justified.

I nodded to her after a moment and moved back to let her go.

"I understand" I whispered and bowed my head to hide the tears building in my eyes. To know I stood beside Anya again was making me overwhelmed. I didn't know how to fight the pain I felt inside for her loss. I felt as I had that moment in the tent when Clarke first told me of my mentor's death. Lost. And hurt. I stood with held breath to stop the shaking in my chest.

"It's okay" she whispered giving me an understanding look. Her eyes ran over my face and I thought I saw them fill painfully at my grief, "I'll give you a minute"

Clarke turned from me and began walking back to the other graves. I watched her go with a cautious watch for where she went.

I scanned the trees around her intently for a moment before I turned back to Anya's tree. I looked up at it and touched the marks again. My fingers pressed into the chipped grooves, following the knife marks through the symbols that marked a fallen warrior lying here. Blood stains filled the scratches at points where the rain couldn't reach them. I could just imagine Clarke catching her hand on the knife as she hacked at the bark.

I smiled sadly at the tree and rested my palm against it, "Here we are again, friend"

I sighed and crouched down by the trunk. I didn't know what to say to her. It felt ridiculous to speak to a tree. But I told myself this was Anya. She would want me to speak my heart right now.

"I did not think it would end this way. I always imagined you would outlive me. Just out of stubborn pride"

I felt the tears come then and forced them away to save ruining my war paint. I looked up at the branches above me and growled beneath my breath. I was angry at her for dying. Angry she had left me behind. And I was scared. Scared I could not be the heda she had trained me to be. Scared that I had chosen wrong in deciding blood must not have blood. Would Anya have agreed with it? I could never know.

 _"How am I supposed to do this without you?_ " I whispered to the tree, one tear slipping free down my cheek. I brushed it away immediately.

 _She is still with you,_ my heart calmed, beating gently against Anya's braid. I took it out of my pocket and held it tight in my hand. A breeze blew across my face as I promised Anya I would carry on fighting as she would have wanted. And I let myself believe it was her spirit telling me to get up.

 _Get knocked down, get back up again_ , I heard her tell me sternly.

I stood determined to make her proud and touched the chipped marks again. My heart was beating quickly inside me but I forced myself to say the words, no matter how painful they were.

 _"Your fight is over, Anya from Trikru"_ I solemnly told the tree, " _May we meet in another life"_

* * *

The morning felt cold. And harsh. Like the snow had followed us from Eden's pass. But I knew it had nothing to do with the weather. It was me. I was cold still from those moments beside Anya's resting place last night. And from the silent return after Clarke from that time. My mind had been addled with guilt and regret and so much pain. And though she had been walking only ahead of me, I felt as if this departure was tearing her thousands of miles away from me.

I hadn't slept at all. Rare moments of peace through the night had filled themselves with nightmares and worries from the commanders. And searching for becca through them had only given me silence. I felt exhausted and wrung out. Emotionally and physically drawn. But I refused to let it stop my duty as commander. So I'd risen from my cold furs and pulled myself beneath Heda's skin with the determination to leave this place.

"Heda" Cain greeted at the fires. I nodded and looked over to the near empty skaikru camp. He followed my attention and answered my questions.

"Most of them left before the sun rose. They were eager to return to the arkadia. I have spoken to the remaining members"

"What ones?" I asked hoping he would include Clarke in the list of names.

"Raven. Abby. Harper. Markus. And two new ones that came in the night. Monty..." Cain's eyes blew steel and he growled, "And bellamy"

At Bellamy's name my mind flared in anger. He was responsible for the murder of my people.

 _And indra's survival,_ my heart reminded, telling me to lash out through anger was not the right way. Bellamy would pay for his attack on my people. But not now.

"And how is Bellamy's behaviour around our people?" I asked curious to know how Cain had made a civil enough conversation with the boy. He shuffled irritated on his haunches.

"He is keeping his distance" Cain informed coldly, "He is smart to stay with his own"

I nodded satisfied and turned to Cain, "Are the warriors ready?"

He nodded and I gave a last sweeping look to the drop ship, heart aching a little at the lack of clarke's presence. I turned and walked towards the group of warriors standing by ready to leave. I approached the only horse and nodded to Monroh holding him still. I looked at the grim expressions of my warriors watching me and gave them all a strong look back.

"Let's be gone from this place" I ordered striding forward to take the reins off the young second. Behind me Cain began shouting out orders to our people to ready themselves to move out.

"Good morning, Heda" Monroh greeted with a bow. She held the reins out and I took them with a silent nod.

I peered back at her smile with cautious eyes. I tilted my head at her. I had watched her last night. Around her people she seemed hostile. And on edge. She'd refused to talk to any of them besides Clarke. She looked at them now and I could see she was eager to return to Polis. But why?

 _"Do you miss your people, Monroh?"_ I asked genuinely intrigued by her relief to leave them behind. Her green eyes slotted towards Abby and the others kicking out their fires and she shook her head at me.

"How can I miss them?" She asked me with an honest smile, " _I'm going home with them"_

She waved around us to the warriors taking tents down and dousing out fires. Not a single part of her meant skaikru. She truly believed herself to be one of us. I managed to give her a slight smile.

"You are one of us, Monroh" I told her quietly, sincerely, ""I am sorry for believing otherwise before"

She blushed a rosy pink for my apology and dropped her head to bow. I let her walk away when jes called her name. I turned to watch the young girl walk towards her warrior. She fitted too easily in with us. As if the ground had been calling her home all these years. I wondered briefly how many more were like her in skaikru. How many more believed they would find a better home with us. Like octavia had. Like Monroh wanted.

 _Clarke might_ , my heart slyly suggested. I wanted it to be true but I knew it wasn't. No matter what happened Clarke would always choose her people.

"Commander"

I lifted my head away from jes's exasperated try at calming her excited second and looked back at the skaikru group moving towards us. It was the leaders. Come to offer last words of goodbye.

I strode a few steps towards them, allowing them to come the last distance to me. Cain's sword rested along markus' chest when he approached too fast and the sky man immediately retreated a step with hands up.

 _"Put the sword away, Cain"_ I ordered.

He sheathed it straight away and crossed his arms over his chest in threat to the other man. Markus smiled nervously and looked to me.

"I had hoped things would have cooled down a little through the night" he began.

"Your people slayed ours in cold blood!" Cain spat at him, "Do not insult Heda by expecting to be welcomed so warmly"

"Cain!" I barked and gave him a look to send him away. I didn't need him to speak for me.

He walked slowly off, eyes on the sky people in warning. I watched him walk to oversee our people before I turned back to them. There was a tense couple of seconds before Markus broke the silence.

"I am sorry, commander. About pike. You understand I couldn't stand against my peoples vote to give him chancellorship. Though I regret not trying to speak up against him"

"You tried, Marcus" Abby told him gently with a squeeze to his arm. He shook his head at her.

"Not hard enough" he told her guiltily.

I studied the pair a moment before I stood forward.

 _They are good people,_ my heart told me in agreement to the decision I was making.

"Give me you arm, Markus of the sky people" I ordered holding my hand out.

Their eyes switched back to me, nervously thinking what I might do. He met my serious eyes and gave me his right arm, knowing I wanted the branded one. I pulled his sleeve up past the still healing mark and clasped his arm gently over the brand, meeting his eyes seriously still.

"As long as you wear my mark you are a friend to me" I glanced back at Abby's staring at me in shock. I decided to extend the sentiment, "Both of you"

Markus stuttered a reply. He seemed completely unsure of what to say. Abby nudged his side with her elbow and he quickly recovered enough to loosely clasp my arm back.

"Thank you, commander" Abby told me on his behalf.

I nodded back and broke hold with Markus. Behind me I heard my people walking away from the clearing. My eyes searched behind the two sky leaders again, making one last check for Clarke. I had hoped to speak with her a final time. To apologise again for my behaviour when she'd told me of Anya. To wish her well. To tell her I hoped we would meet again, soon. But the space behind Abby and Markus was bare. All of skaikru had left already. My heart filled again with misery.

"I have a favour to ask, commander" Abby said suddenly.

I turned my eyes from the empty drop ship to the healer in front of me. I regarded her a moment, wondering what she might ask. My hand clasped my sword as I waited for her to speak.

"Clarke showed a reluctance before. To stay with us. Because of what happened at mount weather... I know she is our ambassador in your council but-"

I raised my hand to stop her.

"You do not need to ask permission for Clarke to stay" I told her quickly, "I have already let her go"

Markus began smiling for some reason. Abby gave me a measuring look before she looked behind me. I heard a horse walking towards us and I turned to order my stallion be kept still. I stopped and stared seeing Meesha moving towards me. Clarke was sat ready in the saddle. With Raven grinning behind her.

 _She means to come with us?_

My heart jumped excited in my chest when she smiled down at me.

Yes. She was coming home with us.

My heart soared knowing she wanted to stay.

A hand stopped me rushing to clarke's side to speak with her. It curled and squeezed my arm gently and made me look back at clarke's mother. I swallowed my anger down. I saw the worry in her eyes. I saw the stress at letting her daughter leave with the people her leader had killed.

"Look after her" she begged in a sharp tone that threatened an unwelcome outcome if I failed her.

I didn't give her an answer. I didn't feel the need to voice it. I would protect Clarke to my last breath. Abby's eyes still looked worried but she took back her hand and looked up at the two girls. She beamed at them adoringly.

"Time's up, kiddo" she said walking to the horse. She offered a hand up to raven who glared down at it as if it offended her.

"I can get down by myself!" She snapped back.

Clarke moved her head, breaking her silent stare for me, and gave gentle words over her shoulder to her friend. Raven shook her head in reply, eyes cutting back to me moodily. I didn't understand it. I had done nothing to insult her.

"You're sure you don't want to come back with us?" Clarke asked the other girl as she twisted herself to get down from the horse. She leant awkwardly against the horse, one hand holding clarke's as she decided how to get down.

I began a walk to them while Raven looked at the ground apprehensive. I had not agreed to inviting more skaikru back with us. It would be a stupid move with how new this peace was. Clarke looked back with my approach and gave me begging eyes to consider it. Fortunately Raven spoke before I could decide.

"You know these guys will die without me" Raven sighed tiredly. Her glance back at me said that wasn't the real reason for her turning down this invite. I was.

I stood taller against her hating eyes. Markus strode forward to help raven down.

"Perhaps you would like to come visit clarke some other time" I offered as he set her on the ground again. I knew clarke would have wanted that.

Raven simply shrugged back at me. I found her rudeness incredibly offensive but remained calm. Clarke was watching me carefully after all.

"Maybe clarke should visit me instead" Raven boldly suggested, "Unless she needs your permission first, Lexa"

I locked eyes with her. Her use of my name hadn't been some slip in manners. She wanted me to lose my patience. I didn't know why. But I knew I would not play her game.

"Raven" Clarke warned annoyed. Raven glanced back to her and shrugged again.

"See you later, Griffin" she mumbled and limped off, "If you remember where your real home is" she added bitterly.

Clarke sighed. She looked pained. I touched her leg out of sight of her elders, gently asking if she was okay. She looked down at me but didn't give me an answer.

"She'll be okay, Clarke" Abby told her coming to touch her other knee. She squeezed it with a smile, "She's just upset"

"Maybe if you gave her her job back she wouldn't be so down" Clarke breathed angrily beneath her breath. Her mother retracted her hand. She looked sternly at her daughter.

"You know I can't do that. She can't work on that leg"

"You won't even let her try!" Clarke barked back, "She's not like you or me. She's tough, mom. Let her try"

Abby looked to Markus, who looked between the two women with an expression that begged for them not to push him between them. He raised a hand to Abby's back and rubbed it gently. When I glanced back to Clarke I saw her frowning in deep interest for his comforting her mother.

"We'll give it a shot. Clarke's right," he added to Abby's outraged eyes, "Raven survived crashing to earth and being shot in the back. I think a little work will seem like a vacation" Abby still looked unsure so he added stronger, "She's not a child, Abby. You have to let her decide whether it hurts too much"

"And tell Jaha to back off already with whatever this magic medicine of his is" Clarke added. I frowned up at her.

 _Magic medicine?_

"Heda" Cain called breaking my study of the two leaders when Abby agreed. I looked away to Cain standing with jes and monroh. Our people had already started the walk back towards the field. If I wanted to stop Indra riding to war I needed to be there with them when they reached the others.

"Clarke" I spoke her name softly and looked back at her. She nodded knowing we had to go.

I stood back when she began urging meesha around. Abby looked up at her daughter's leave and rushed after her when the horse started a brisk trot forward. I stood back and let them have their moment. Markus strode to my side and crossed his arms. When he looked at them it was with love in his eyes. For the pair of them.

"Amazing, isn't it?" He said to me, "They are so alike and so different at the same time"

He smiled adoringly at the two women like a man watching his family. I turned my head with his comment and watched mother and daughter say goodbye. I didn't know much of clarke's mother but I did see clarke's ferocity in her. And her determination. I respected her because I appreciated her standing in clarke's life, and I was grateful for her having birthed such a beautiful woman. But I knew if circumstances were different I would not approve of Abby.

"Safe travels, commander" Markus spoke cutting through my train of thought and offering me his arm again.

I took it firmly in my grasp and nodded at him. Abby came to us as he let go and he smiled gently for her sad expression. She looked over her shoulder at clarke's riding away. I could practically see her heart break.

"She will be safe in polis" I reassured her. I felt pity for her. I knew personally the pain of having to let Clarke go.

Abby's eyes snapped back to me and she looked at me coldly. It didn't take much to know she would see me personally responsible if anything happened to her daughter. I felt a tickle of fear in myself for her hard look. Mother wolf was scarier than her pup.

"Thank you, commander" Markus spoke up ushering Abby away quickly as if he worried for her next words to me.

I nodded and let them go. I didn't wish to distress abby further, and I didnt want to waste my time here of all places. I just wanted to return home. My bones ached to see Polis again.

 _With Clarke.._ My heart whispered, its rapid beats soaring higher with my secret happiness for her decision to stay with us.

I turned and walked quickly out of the empty clearing, feet eagerly racing towards the blonde where she had stopped her horse to talk to jes. The warrior and her second were beaming up at her. Even Cain looked a little lighter in himself. All of them seemed pleased with Clarke's choice to stay. Each looking as happy as I felt.

"Heda"

Cain gave me my horse's reins stood back to give me space to swing into the saddle. I did so quickly and looked back to Clarke beside me. She smiled when my eyes locked hers already watching me. And I struggled to stay emotionless back.

 _"Ready to go home?"_ She asked me.

I did smile then. The way she'd said home gave hope she wanted to be there because it was her home too.

I nodded in reply and she beamed happy. Clarke whispered meesha to walk and I looked down to the warriors staring a walk after her. I looked over my shoulder at the empty clearing and the woods behind them. In my heart I said goodbye to Anya, with a promise to return some day to speak with her at her tree. Then I turned and tucked my grief aside and kicked my horse after Clarke.

* * *

"Heda" Titus greeted me stiffly at my throne. Behind him the clan ambassadors were assembled shouting over one another as they waited for me to convene this meeting.

I looked at them all tiredly. I felt too exhausted to hold councils right now. I just needed to rest. But I had put this off long enough. They had been patient for after my arrival home to polis to know why their heda had spared skaikru. I looked to tell titus to begin but stopped myself seeing his eyes lock in confusion past me.

I looked over my shoulder at Clarke's stiff limping into the room. Having been away from her for days I ran my eyes quickly over her. She had healed well over the past week but it still hurt her to walk for any length of time. Seeing her limp around only fed my guilt when I was near her. I hated knowing I had caused that.

The shouting in the room died for the first couple steps she took forward. But soon my ambassadors started again. Angrier than before thanks to her presence. I felt my jaw stiffen at their hating looks towards her. As if she had been the one to personally murder our people.

Titus leant down to my ear while I watched Clarke timidly stand to one side with her guard. For once I was happy to see Jes loyally at her side. I could see clarke was scared. And I could see Jes standing ready to protect her. I nodded grateful to the warrior when her eyes slotted towards me.

"Why is she here?" Titus questioned me curtly.

I felt my body stiffen but refused to acknowledge the question beneath his search for answers. Instead I turned my attention away to the shouting. To the furious growls of the ambassadors barking at each other like a pack of wolves. Already I felt exhausted with this council.

At my side titus was still muttering in my ear.

"Leska, she can't be here. Not so soon after-" I cut over Titus with a raise of my hand and a strong look at him.

"Do not tell me what or who can or cannot enter council, Titus. I am heda. I decide. Clarke is here to represent her people" I turned from him and called her over to us. Titus looked between the pair of us as she made her way through the arguing ambassadors.

"For what?" he questioned me angrily, "Skaikru rejected us!"

I glared at him but in my exhaustion I couldn't stay mad at him. I simply shook my head and turned to greet clarke. She awkwardly bowed to me, knowing that there were eyes watching her near me.

"Stand with me, clarke" I ordered her softly.

I looked to the empty space on my right and felt my flame keeper staring down at me. He wanted to speak up against me. I could tell. But I was heda. Nobody refused me.

Clarke looked between us before she climbed the dais and turned at my side. Titus stormed off. He didn't approve at all. I sat back happy after and looked on at my people squabbling still. I breathed deeply to stop myself becoming angry over it. My people felt betrayed. They wanted justice. When I was denying them this blood debt the least I could do was let them shout their pain.

"Are you okay?"

I looked back at her briefly and saw the pain hiding in her dark blue eyes. She looked as exhausted as I felt. I didn't answer her. Because I didn't want her to know that I was not okay. Not really. Clarke was quiet like she understood. Maybe she felt the same. I could sense her frustration with my people, as I did. And her guilt for their suffering grief.

"Do they usually act like kids?" Clarke whispered to me when the arguing grew steadily louder. I smiled despite myself.

"You should see them when something good has happened" I shared keeping my eyes on my people so nobody would see us talking, "They shout just to shout most of the time"

Clarke was silent. Perhaps lost in her thoughts. I continued my scan of the room. My eyes landed on Indra stood alone in the shadows in the corner. She looked dead with her eyes staring at the floor. A shell of herself. It made my heart squeeze with guilt.

"This isn't going to go well.. Is it?" Clarke asked worried all of a sudden.

I tore my eyes from Indra and looked back to her guilty eyes. I shook my head. I couldn't lie to her. She looked down upset. As if she too blamed herself for this mess. I twisted myself on my throne and leant on my arm against its pale rest. She glanced up seeing me move and I gave her a brief smile.

"It will be okay" I whispered gently, "We will make them listen"

Clarke seemed doubtful but nodded regardless. I leant away after and felt the happy swell of my heart at her small smile crash fast seeing my people still fighting amongst themselves. A pressure built inside me instead. And I felt the first waves of fear inside myself. If I could not persuade my people to follow this notion, war would come.

 _Maybe the war that has been prophesied._. I thought shivering to myself.

I shook my thoughts away. I could not focus on visions and prophecies. Right now my mind needed to stay sharp on this trouble shouting before me.

I gave a last glance to clarke and then stood to bark my people into silence. They all turned, eyes shooting towards me. I stood taller against their outraged looks.

"We are not here to argue amongst ourselves" I told them all, loudly with anger growling in my voice, "We are here to speak of peace"

"Peace?!" one growled back, "You would talk of peace? After denying our people justice?!"

The others shouted up in agreement.

"We cannot have peace if we continue to-"

The Delphikru ambassador marched forward over me.

"If we let these Skaikru believe they can get away with this murder, then they will carry on murdering. How many more must die? How many more times will our commander choose them over us?"

I felt his words cut me deeply. And quickly the invisible wounds filled with ice until I felt numb inside and out. My people hated me for this choice.

"The commander isn't choosing my people over yours" clarke barked at the crowd. I glanced to her, surprised she would come to my defence when what my people said was true. She looked down at delphikru angrily, "The commander is choosing to stop the bloodshed"

They roared up against her and it made me angry. Slowly their questioning her reason for being here and their insults to her built the rage in me into a terrible wall of fire. One that exploded the second one of them suggested we take her blood as payment for her people's betrayal. I lurched to my feet. And my people leapt back. Some knelt in submission. But a brave few wanted to test me. I stared them all down, letting the silence fill the room tensely.

"Titus" I called after a few more moments. I looked to him to publicly give his opinion as my teacher and advisor. He huffed a breath out knowing I expected his support and looked to the others.

"We should not so readily rush our anger" He told them solemnly, "These Skaikru have knowledge we do not. They have weapons we do not. Heda has been justified in her caution this far"

In the corner I heard the soft sound of Indra scoffing.

"But this is not a discussion for ambassadors" Titus continued. He turned to lock eyes with me sternly, "This is a matter for the leaders of this coalition"

I snarled inside. He was offering me an excuse by suggesting I postpone until the clan leaders arrived. Because he believed he would change my mind in that time.

 _But he won't,_ I thought strongly. Clarke expected me to honour my promise of peace. And for her I would.

I bowed my head curtly in reluctant acceptance of Titus' opinion and asked clarke for hers. I heard her walk forward and I saw the ambassadors lean away from her approach. I fought a smile knowing what expression she wore now. I knew when she spoke I would be listening to Wanheda.

"Blood must have blood can't carry on" she bravely announced, "Not if your real goal is to achieve peace"

I spoke up through the silence that followed after her. My focus on Indra now.

"I can never return your warriors to you" She looked up hearing the sincerity in my voice, "Neither can I repay their sacrifice" I told her heavy hearted. I hoped she knew I felt her pain. I felt her loss. Of course I did. Her army had been Trikru. My blood. I felt as if I had lost a family on that battlefield.

I looked from her ringed eyes and my own to the others, "My orders are as follows; as commander of the twelve clans I order that blood must have blood be abolished"

A few gasps circled me and then came the rage again. I tended myself against each shout and waited calmly for their anger to settle before I addressed their accusations.

"This is not a show of favouritism. This is about retaliation. If we kill them it makes them retaliate. Which makes us retaliate. Over and over until all of us are dead. This mindless murder has to stop. We are not barbarians. This is no longer our way"

There was a pause and then the Yujleda ambassador piped up, "You are scared of skaikru"

I glared at Uzac and shook my head, "I do not fear them. I simply want us to find a new way for justice. Not one that continues to soak our ground in blood and hate. Our goal is peace. How can we achieve that with blood must have blood?"

They looked around at each other. My question had them stumped. None had an answer. Some looked half convinced by my argument. I hoped they were. But i knew in my heart it wouldn't be this easy.

My eyes touched back on clarke on my walk back to my throne. She watched me proudly. And she stood taller when I turned to stand beside her. I felt myself stand just as tall as I stood to handle the next onslaught of anger from my people.

* * *

 _"Blood must not have blood?! You are insane!"_

 _"It breaks tradition!"_

 _"It makes us weak"_

 _"Weakness that would be exploited by the clans"_

 _"Weakness that stems from you!"_

 _I stood still under the commanders' rage and let them shout at me. I took every yell calmly but my heart racing in my chest made me question whether they were right._

 _"What on earth were you thinking?!" Dunkhon the flounderkru commander growls raising his fist angrily. I try my hardest to stay still but can't stop myself flinching when he does it close to my face._

 _Reyn walks over to us with a snarling expression._

 _"She wasn't thinking" she growls with a look around at her companions, "This smells like Skaikru"_

 _"It wasn't Skaikru!" I pipe up immediately but they ignore me to continue shouting, "I am trying to achieve peace! Blood must have blood only encourages-"_

 _"It encourages your people to stand in the place given to them!" Faya shouts down at me, "It hands out justice to those who take what is not theirs to take!"_

 _I shake my head, "It encourages more violence. More blood. Over and over again" I think about the argument Clarke made to me and repeat it to them, "The cycle won't end. Not until someone breaks it. Not until I break it"_

 _They stare at me like I'm mad. Reyna especially looks angry. I understand their anger. Like everybody else they believed I was betraying my people. They believed I was weak._

 _Maybe I am.._

 _Reyn's eyes flash as she hears my thought and quickly she pounces on it like a wolf._

 _"You don't believe this will work" she comments coldly. The others immediately stop talking and watch as she circles me slowly, "You doubt the strength of your own idea..Of your people's loyalty to see it through... And what happens, Leska, when one betrayal turns to hundreds, thousands? When people take it upon themselves to seek their own justice? Will your notion still stand?"_

 _I struggle to answer and when she grins it feels like she has me by the throat, waiting for me to move and tear it out myself. I swallow and look back to the others. I find myself begging for becca to turn up. I knew she would agree with me._

 _"Death is not justice" is all I say and in seconds it's a death sentence with Reyn. She strides right into my space and growls at me._

 _"Then answer this hypothesis, Heda. Say one of your people is upset. Their family was killed by skaikru in that cold massacre and their Heda ignores their pain and loss. She denies them justice. They get angry at her for denying them the blood they deserve as payment for their loss. So they look to heda's weakness-"_

 _"I have no weakness" I told her calmly but she doesn't give me the space I was hoping for._

 _"Dunkhon thought the same"_

 _She points behind me to him and I turn with surprise to see him crouched on the floor by the commander's throne surrounded by war maps. A hooded figure is stood menacingly over him studying them obsessively. With a raised knife._

 _My eyes fly around me in shock. The other commanders don't help. Just stand still and silently watch as the flounderkru commander's throat is slashed open. I shiver to myself seeing his blood glide towards my feet._

 _"Fay" Reyn barks and pushes me around to my previous commander._

 _I see my previous commander in battle with her warriors. She's smiling around at them all. She thinks she's won. They see a group of enemy warriors ahead and she orders her people to rush them. While most of them do, one of her warriors acting as her bodyguard is silently killed by a shadow hiding in the trees. They draw their bow again and aim it at Fay's run after her warriors. They shoot their commander close range in the back. She stumbles against a tree and gasps for breath as she looks wildly around for her attacker. Another arrow enters her body when she calls out for her warriors. And another._

 _Reyn calls more names over the heavy silence after. And w_ _ith every commander's name a new murder is shown to me. A new assassination. A new betrayal. A sword through the heart. Poison in wine. Drowned. Shot. I have to close my eyes after the fifth commander is brutally bashed to death. I feel sicker with each vision shown to me. I don't understand why Reyn is making me watch this._

 _Reyn pauses on the sounds of the latest commander choking against his assailant and then she whispers, "Leska"_

 _My head snaps up. And I watch a version of myself resting in my room. The door opens and a hooded figure walks in. They silently approach me sleeping. And a knife comes up. I feel my breath catch recognising it. And the hand holding it._

 _My feet start moving towards the place the other version of myself is laying still, unaware she is about to be killed. I carry myself towards the figure and reach out to stop them. They spin at my touch and lock me in their grip, the knife pressed to my throat. I look down at her blue eyes. And Clarke stares right back. I stare at the hate in her eyes. At the pain and the fury. I watch calmly back, waiting for her to stop herself like before. But this time she doesn't._

 _She snarls and the knife slips across my throat and I feel myself gasp in pain before I start choking on the blood. I fall to my knees panicking to draw breath. I'm drowning in my own blood. And she's stood over me watching with cool eyes patiently waiting for me to die._

 _My heart pounds in my ears. Steadily I feel and hear it grow weaker. My throat closes with all the blood. I cough feeling it fill my mouth. I feel a weight on my chest when I fail to get air to my lungs. And its crushing me down. And all I can think is why? How could clarke be the one to do this to me?_

 _"She will be the death of you" a voice calls through the black fog filling my mind, "This idea of yours will not work"_

 _I cough out a mouthful of blood and pull my swaying vision off clarke's uncaring face to reyn stood beside her._

 _"And it will be her" Reyn shoots sternly, "Because you do have a weakness, leska. And she is it"_

 _I collapse on my side gasping for air. Reyn kneels beside me and looks down at me furiously._

 _"Blood must have blood"_

* * *

I lurched up gasping and shaking. My eyes rushed around me looking for danger. I felt my body sway in dizzying response and I closed my eyes to balance myself against my head rush. I breathed quickly to calm the manic pace of my heart and I had to swallow the urge to whimper in fear. The dream was still very vivid behind my eyes. I could still hear their shouts. I could still see my blood on her hands. I could still feel it choking me.

"Hey, hey"

I felt a hand touching my shoulder and flinched away from it.

"It's okay" the voice said gently, "You're okay"

I looked back recognising her voice and stared at Clarke sitting right beside me. I tried to think why she's in my room when I had ordered not to be disturbed. But all I could see was the blood again. I closed my eyes and struggled to steady my heart. I felt weak and clammy. Like I might be sick. I took deep breaths and grasped at the couch beneath me so I would feel grounded. My shoulders shook as I ducked my head between them to catch my breath. Beside me I could sense clarke's worry. I felt her hand rub my leg soothingly. I couldn't stop myself flinching again.

"What were you dreaming about?" she asked still trying to soothe me. But it didn't work.

"Commanders before me" I panted running a hand down my face, "They speak to me in my sleep. I saw their deaths at war. At the hands of an assassin"

"It was just a nightmare" she reassured me. It soothed me the same time it irritated me. I didn't need calming like a child after a night terror. I needed her to believe me.

"No.. No, its a warning. They think I'm betraying their legacy" I looked back at her, " _Blood must have blood_ has always, always been the way of our people"

Clarke saw the the panic in my eyes. And she knew I was doubting this decision. I didn't want to be forever remembered as the commander that betrayed her own people. And I didn't want Reyn to be right about clarke.

"Listen to me" Her hand squeezing my thigh made me look back at her. She looked at me seriously, "A cease fire is not a betrayal. What you did on that battlefield stopped a war. Your legacy will be peace" she promised.

I stared at the fire in her eyes. She was so determined to see this through with me. But still I couldn't help but think of her killing me in my dream. I cursed Reyn for showing me.

I gave her a silent look and then moved away from her with my embarrassment. I collected the book I'd been reading before my sleep. It'd fallen off my chest to the floor in my scare up. My hands closed tight around it and I moved to put it back with the others on the bookshelf. It was as I edged around her and turned that my eyes caught on clarke's sketchbook lying open on the edge of the chair, skewed as if it had been thrown down in haste. I stared at the image on the page and bent to pick it up.

"Oh um..that's.. um...That's not finished.." She mumbled reaching out for it.

I turned to her and looked up to find her blushing furiously. Eyes shyly avoiding mine. I looked away and stared back down at the page. My thumb grazed over the edge of it.

 _Me?_

My eyes traced the sleeping figure of myself. They stared at the detail. I had never seen a drawing of myself before. I didn't know how to feel about it.

I stared at the charcoal girl on the page. She looked calm and peaceful in her sleep. Like nothing could wake her. And nothing could bother her. I wondered if Clarke had drawn me out of boredom or whether she'd seen something in seeing me so unguarded. My eyes traced the serene look on my face and I couldn't stop myself marvelling its existence on my face.

 _She drew me.._

 _She only draws things of beauty,_ I reminded myself when I questioned why.

 _And significance._

My heart caught fire in my chest. I wasn't sure what to say, or if I should say anything. How did others react to Clarke drawing them? It was easy to give an opinion on her other drawings because I was never a part of them. But to see myself through her eyes, as she did, threw me away completely.

 _Tell her you like it!_ My heart screamed for my stupidity. It told me the longer I remained silent the more awkward she would feel.

Thankfully a loud rap on the door interrupts what would have been my weak attempt to tell her and I gratefully turned to the distraction.

"Enter!" I called out.

The door opened immediately. I dropped clarke's drawing back onto her sketchbook and turned to address the interruption. All awhile I was trying to stop the crazy beat of my heart inside my chest.

"Pardon me, Heda" Titus pushed the door open and slid into the room but stopped short seeing Clarke collecting her sketches behind me, "I didn't realise you were busy..."

His eyes flicker between the two us and he sends me a calculating look for an explanation. I ignored it to watch the warriors enter the room behind him. They set a large container down behind the flame keeper and then stood back. Titus was too busy staring at us both to notice.

A silence rings loudly between the three of us and I feel Clarke brush my side as she comes to stand at me. Titus' eyes lock sharply on her.

"Are you going to tell me what's in the box, or not?" I ask impatiently over his continued look at us for answers. His eyes swivel back to me.

"Forgive me" he comes back to himself and looks at the container, "This is a gift from King Roan of Azgeda for Wanheda. The messenger said this is both proof of Azgeda's loyalty to the coalition and an answer to a yet-unanswered question"

I looked down at it curiously. What could Roan have possibly sent Clarke?

"May I?" Titus asks, turning without an answer. He waved at the warriors standing by the box and ordered them to open it. Clarke moved forward as they did.

I frowned at the box and Clarke took some more searching steps forward as it was unlocked. I watched her carefully as the warriors pulled back the bolts holding the box closed. I didn't trust this. But I told myself Roan wouldn't send something that would harm one he'd pledged fealty to. I had to believe that. Because Titus' hard stare at me refused to let me take the protective steps after her.

The warriors looked down at clarke's curious stance in front of them. Then they looked to me for the order to lift the lid. I gave it silently and watched clarke bend to peer inside.

The warriors slowly lifted the lid and something alive inside the box flinched from the light. Clarke bent lower to peer inside. Around her I could see the outline of a man lying at the bottom of the container. I didn't recognise him at first. He was too filthy and beaten. But Clarke knew immediately.

"Emerson!" she gasped.


	25. Chapter 25

**Whoa guys, Im sucking at the updates and I'm so sorry. But my life is literally shit right now. I'm extremely depressed, I've somehow fallen out with my best friend, I got fired wednesday for publicly standing up against a threatening homophobe at work (cos thats fair, right? Love not hate guys!). Everything's going wrong and its just so shit. And even thinking about writing is a major chore.**

 **So I've decided to up and run away from everything for a while. I'm going on an unexpected (but totally expected cos I've been planning this for years anyway) journey to New Zealand! And yes, I do fully intend to assume the life of a hobbit while I'm there :)**

 **So updates may happen. They may not. I've got a fuck load of time on my hands now so.. Im hoping it'll be okay. Writing for you guys was always an escape from the bullshit and your enthusiasm to continue reading and the positivity in your comments always motivated me to keep at it. So thanks for that. Honestly you have no idea what sort of good that does when your day feels so dark. I wish I could hug you all. I'm gonna try my best for ya'll. After all, get knocked down, get back up again, right? :)**

 **Start the countdown kru! We're nearing the forever end of canon!**

 ** _Returning the love;_**

 ** _Allyon; You're welcome! :)_**

 ** _FurionKnight; Eagerness from readers makes me write._**

 ** _SailorSauyri; It was long but no complaints so far! :) Clarke keeps surprising us! But who knows if she really meant that threat to skaikru?_**

 ** _Guest Edy; Lexa is a loving idiot. But that's why we love her!_**

 ** _Zjinu; Don't worry, it won't be a long wait. I'm doing an episode per chapter to get it over with. We're nearly on original :)_**

 ** _SkyWanheda; It was long because I made you all wait so long for it. I mean, 3 months? Y'ouch! I'm glad you loved it though!_**

 ** _Mb168; Maybe Lexa dies, maybe she doesn't. All I can say is, buckle the hell up. It's gonna be bumpy ^^_**

 ** _SummerStormWar; Happy endings are cliche. Ain't nobody got time for that! Or maybe I do? Who knows ;)_**

 **Bcos my bro says it reminds him of The 100... and I agree; Alone In The Dark by All Time Low.**

* * *

 ** _I don't want mercy. I want revenge..._**

* * *

 ** _Clarke._**

There was chaos all around me. It was screaming, and yelling, and grunting, and scraping. It was flashing and blurring around me in different colours. It made me dizzy trying to focus on just one.

I closed my eyes to stop the noise. To stop the scared beating of my heart. And I shouldn't have. Because it threw me away from polis and back to the last time it felt this scared. To the last time I was surrounded by chaos.

Three hundred and eighty-nine. That was the number I'd counted. That was how many faces I'd made myself look at. I'd made myself remember. So how could I have been so wrong? How could I have missed this? Missed him? He was outside the door. He should have died.

 _No_ , a quiet voice whispered in my head, telling me to catch up already. He wasn't like the others. Emerson had already had the procedure when we reached the mountain. He'd been stood beside Lexa without a hazmat suit. He could breathe fresh air. He'd ran away when the mountain was radiated. I seen him run. We all had.

 _I didn't kill him?_

My heart pounded sickeningly inside my chest and the blurred chaos grew louder around me when it finally sunk in.

 _I didn't kill them all._

I felt the wounds across my body stinging painfully. Especially the brands on my arm. The skin around them was pinching tight, cutting off my ability to focus on anything other than the pain. I'd gone through so much to carry them. To honour the genocide. But it hadn't been genocide. Not completely. I felt guilty for the instant relief I felt over it.

 _It doesn't change things,_ I berated angrily to myself. I'd still killed all those people, all their kids.

The blood on my temple dripped slowly down the side of my face and I felt somebody try to touch it to wipe it away. I slapped their hand down. I didn't need help. I didn't need anything.

I looked up angry with the person and my mind grew redder when it was Lexa I recognised trying to help me. She was knelt beside me. One arm held protectively around my shoulders, gently so she wouldn't accidentally aggravate the healing wounds on my back. The other held her hand up again close to my face. To help. She must have fallen down the second I did. To pull Emerson away. Her eyes flashed all over my face, asking if I was okay. Desperately. It made my heart bump seeing her look so worried.

My eyes shot past Lexa's shoulder when I remembered suddenly all the deafening commotion behind her. I looked to where Titus was stood staring sternly at his commander's back. He looked angry. And betrayed. And, frankly, pretty pissed. It scared me a little. Especially when he switched his focus from her to me with lexa's hand carefully brushing my hair aside. The cold way his eyes stared back at me had me shivering. I read a warning in those dark eyes. Subtle and a little unclear. But it was definitely there.

 _Stay away,_ it growled.

Lexa suddenly shouting an angry order at her warriors had me jumping and looking away from Titus. She was telling them to get emerson out already. Her arm tightened around me with my fright and she whispered soothingly beneath her breath. She looked back at me as she spoke and she touched my thigh with worried eyes begging to know if I was alright. Behind her Titus' eyes narrowed dangerously. He looked ready to come over and demand to know why the commander of clans was knelt like a common person beside the ambassador of her enemy. He looked at her hand on my leg like he wanted to wrench it away.

I kept switching my eyes between them, trying to silently warn her. She didn't see it. Or she didn't care. Titus took a step forward when it was clear Lexa wasn't going anywhere but thankfully a strangled yell drew his attention away before he could walk over to us.

I moved my eyes with Titus' turn to the man stood snarling wildly between three of Lexa's warriors dragging him forcefully out of the room. His eyes were wide and crazy on me as he fought against them. Brutally angry. It was obvious what he wanted.

 _I don't blame you_ , I thought while I watched him fight the warriors. And I honestly didn't. I'd want to kill me too.

Emmerson's eyes flicked briefly from me to Lexa beside me and my heart thundered scared in my ears knowing what he must be thinking. His lips curled up a little and his eyes shot me a smug look. Against my will my mind filled with memories from that night at Mount Weather. Of the two of them stood together with their deal. When she broke my heart.

I quickly shrugged Lexa off me when my chest kicked and clawed for help. It was hurting like it had at the mountain. She tried to touch me, to offer me some comfort. But I couldn't let her. So I scrambled up and away from her back onto my feet. I couldn't stand feeling her touch me. Or being in the same room as her and him together. I just couldn't.

 _Get out!_ My heart panicked at me.

I pressed a hand to it thundering in my chest and clamped my eyes shut. I couldn't breathe right when it was hurting so bad.

 _Go,_ my head agreed with my heart.

We'd been here before. We knew what happened when we were trapped in with the pain.

"Wanheda?" Lexa's voice was hesitant, light. Careful. She knew what I was feeling. Somehow she knew.

I heard her take a couple steps towards me.

"Clarke?" She tried again, softer, in hope it would make me respond.

I felt her concern on my back and I saw it in her eyes when I looked up at her. I shook my head when she lowly whispered my name again and I turned quickly from them all so they wouldn't see the tears prickling my eyes. But she did see.

Behind me Lexa's boots twisted against the floor. Back towards the cause of this. She shouted furiously at the guards who still had failed to remove emerson. I heard them struggle with him, and then his screams echoing down the hall when they finally managed to shove him out of the room. I closed my eyes as the door slammed shut behind them and clenched my fists tight to keep myself from shaking. I swear I heard laughter in emerson's lingering shouts.

"Why did you bring that here?!" I heard Lexa snarl furiously at Titus over Emerson's persistent calls through the tower.

I looked back when he failed to answer straight away. He was watching me intensely. And I didn't understand why. Self consciously I wiped my temple clean. I looked down at the blood staining my fingers after. I swallowed the lump in my throat thinking I'd deserved emerson's harsh attack of me. And some.

"Titus!" Lexa barked when he didn't speak.

"I was told the box was a gift for wanheda. I brought it here to you first so you might decide whether she receive it. I did not expect to find her alone here in your private room when you clearly asked for no disturbances"

My eyes flicked back up to where the flame keeper was locked in glares with Lexa. He hadn't tried to mask any of his feelings in his explanation. He wanted her to know he was angry. He wanted her to know it wasn't right, whatever it was. I wanted to smack that condescending look off his face. Instead I looked to Lexa's back and saw it trembling angrily. He just watched her patiently. With a look close to one that said he had warned her of this.

I shook my head at the pair of them and edged quietly around Lexa. I shouldn't have come here.

"Clarke!" Lexa called after me the moment she saw me moving, not bothering to hide her concern now.

I heard her quick footsteps following me but it didn't stop my rush out. I needed to get away. I needed to think.

Her hand reached out to catch the door when I opened it. Ahead of me her guards looked down on me hesitantly. Unsure whether to arrest me or not. Lexa silently ordered them away and pulled on my arm to turn me around. When I did she looked down at me worried.

"I'm fine" I husked at her again.

 _I'm so far from fine,_ I whimpered inside. And it was true. I felt two seconds away from falling down crying. A tiny part of me hoped she knew that.

Lexa's eyes flared with concern all over my face and I had to look away before the tears could start. I heard her deep breath before she touched the side of my head gently to make me look back at her. Her hand splayed over the side of my face while her fingertips just brushed the cut on my temple. She winced with me when it hurt.

"This needs healing" she told me looking down at me with pleading eyes to let her help.

I glanced behind her at Titus. At his stern watch of Lexa. I shook my head at her and quickly slipped myself out of the room. I wanted her to help me. I wanted her to make it okay. But I couldn't. And she couldn't.

"Clarke!" I heard her call after me. Scared. Worried.

I ignored her and rushed down the corridor towards the stairs. I wanted to get away. Away from emerson's screams. Away from Lexa's concern. Away from grounders and mountain men. My heart shook and wailed inside me when the first thoughts of home flashed through my mind. For the first time in a long time I needed my people around me.

My feet somehow carried me down to the stables. There Meesha trotted over accompanied loyally by Lexa's horse. Both animals could sense my fear and pain. Straight away they set about gently nudging my arms and sniffling my face. It made me smile but it didn't stop the hurt inside.

My hands moved up to hold meesha's face. She bowed it to me, letting me rest my head against hers. Thats when the tears started to dribble down my cheeks. Lexa's stallion sniffed at me again, offering me the same comfort his rider had tried to give. I patted his nose and stared blankly into his dark eyes, thanking him. I hoped in some way Lexa felt it too.

"I didn't kill him" I mumbled to the horses.

They twitched their ears at me and I frowned into the stallions intense stare for me. I felt anger boil up looking into the black of his eyes.

"Why didn't I kill him?" I questioned myself louder.

The decision confused me. Why had I let him walk away? Why had Bellamy? Had it been mercy or just exhaustion? Shock, maybe, from what had happened? Concern for our people maybe pushing everything else out of the way? Too many reasons why clouded the reasons why not. And it made me angry. I should have seen this coming.

The two horses whinnied when I turned and walked blindly away. I ignored them and carried on. Through the market and the people bumping into me. Through the woods and the tree roots tripping me over. Until I came to the one place I knew would be empty. The night glade.

Abandoned of the night bloods and their two teachers the night glade was just another field. Except it was peaceful. Relaxing. It had a protective embrace to it. One I knew was only there because Lexa spent time here.

I strode towards the well and then carefully sat down with my back against it. I felt a shake rush through me but it wasn't from the light pressure pushing on my wounds. I was terrified. And I knew why. It had been my fault all over again. I was the reason the mountain died twice. I was the reason Pike was able to rise over my people to kill lexa's army. More death. More blame.

More burden.

I bent forward and buried my face into my arm. It hurt but I didn't care. My body shook while my chest screamed with my sudden sobbing. Tears poured down my face. Drenching my sleeve. And I couldn't stop them. Not until the pain turned to anger.

Emerson had run away to Ice Nation. He'd bargained with Nia. He was the reason Lexa nearly died fighting Roan.

The anger in me pooled into a dark screen across my mind. I couldn't stop what had happened.

But I could stop it happening again.

I looked up and glared at the tower where somewhere inside emerson was being held under guard waiting to hear Lexa's judgement. I knew she would call on me for mine. To me there was only one way to end this.

Wanheda purred the words in my ear, and this time I didn't ignore them. I agreed with her.

 _"Blood must have blood"_

* * *

Hadrian left me at the doors to the throne room. I quietly thanked him and turned to walk in. I stopped before the guards at the door and took a deep breath to calm myself. I knew what was coming. And I was scared of it.

I raised my hand to knock on the door but stopped myself hearing Lexa's voice echo through the room. The guards either side of me watched me carefully while I leant my head forward a little to listen.

"This is not my decision to make" Lexa was saying curtly.

I frowned to myself. What wasn't her decision?

"Think about this, Leska" Titus' voice barked back at her, "If you continue on this road you risk all you have worked hard to create. This coalition is your only concern. _Your people are your only concern"_

"They are my people" Lexa returned easily in a dangerous growl to silence him.

Titus was quiet only a second before he spoke back, "You're letting her cloud your judgment at a time-"

"I thought you were supposed to be loyal" she snapped quickly over him.

I couldn't stop my small smile. Her impatience was understandable. But she sounded like a kid being scolded by her dad. And as someone who never saw Lexa as someone who got pushed around, it definitely amused me. Despite also angering me.

"I am, but you are too personally-" I decided I'd listened enough then. I didn't want to hear him tell her she was overly involved with me. Because I knew exactly what came after that. And I'd be damned if I had to listen to him tell her feelings were weakness.

Titus hushed up the moment I pushed the door the rest of the way open and walked in. The commander and flame keeper looked up on my approach. They were both stood by her throne talking in private. He had his head bent in complete attention to their discussion. Lexa was half turned out of it. Her eyes looked harshly at her advisor. He'd clearly been in the middle of saying something that annoyed her.

"Here she is" Titus mumbled noticing my walk into the room.

They both turned to face me. I shot him a narrowed look before turning my attention to Lexa. She looked at me calmly but her eyes held a storm in them. She wanted to know if I was okay. I offered her a quick tilt of my head to reassure her.

"You wanted to see me, Commander?" I said briskly.

Her eyes flashed a little with my formality but she nodded like she understood why I was distancing myself. She peered over at her flame keeper before she addressed me back.

"Yes" Lexa moved to stand in front of me, "I need to discuss the fate of the last mountain man"

"I believe he deserves death" Titus spoke up straight away. Lexa inclined her head towards him.

"She can speak for herself, Titus" she scolded then turned back to me.

I swallowed guilty when she looked at me with warm eyes and an expectant smile. She wasn't going to like what I thought about it.

"Titus is right" I husked quickly.

Lexa's expression flickered. She looked down at me confused and a little hurt.

"You see?" Titus gloated happily, "It is human nature to need revenge. Only once satiated can there be peace. That is our way"

"That was our way" she snapped at him and walked towards me, questions in her eyes, "Clarke?"

I avoided looking at her. And in the following silence I heard her thoughts turn betrayed.

"So blood must not have blood applies only when it is my people who bleed"

"That was about stopping a war" I rushed to get her to understand. This wasn't personal, "This is about finishing one. I'm sorry, but if you want my advice, I agree with Titus. He deserves to die for what he did"

"I'm not looking for advice" she seethed at me, "I'm looking for a decision. He was gifted to you. Crime he stands charged with is against your people. So what will it be, then, Clarke? Banishment from our lands forever or death by forty-nine cuts from your hand?"

I stared at her. I nearly couldn't believe she was asking that of me. After making me watch echo's punishment. Of going through it myself. I was angry and I wanted him dead but not like that. I shivered thinking I would see it again. That I would be on the cutting end of it. Lexa watched me pityingly before she strode past me.

"You have till sundown to decide" she called back angrily.

I turned as she left the room and the door slamming after her stopped my following. She was angry. I understood that. I did just fuck her over a little. It made mme angry too.

"You have made the right choice, Clarke" Titus told me reassuringly while I turned in bitter defeat.

I turned back to him annoyed. He was watching me sympathetically with eyes that said I could trust him.

Kindly he told me, "In time, Heda will see that too"

I shook my head at him and left him without word to walk back to my room. Titus was wrong. Lexa would never forgive me for this decision because in her eyes it would always look like I tricked her into sparing my people, I made her become the enemy in her people's eyes. If emerson dies..

 _So do we,_ I thought numbly as I strode blindly through the tower.

And I was right. Something was there between me and Lexa. Something that never really died with her betrayal on the mountain. And slowly it had been growing with our training and our smiles and our questions. I was scared of it the same time I wanted it. But deep down I knew I could never have it. Because she was too dangerous. It could protect me and my people. But it was more than likely that it would make the already big target on our backs even bigger.

 _Maybe its time to stop thinking for them_ , my heart tried while my mind whizzed with all the problems that would come from killing emerson.

I drew out of miserable expectations of going back to the prisoner life, and even harsher ones of lexa ordering war on my people in revenge, and told myself to be quiet. My heart wanted lexa and all the messy complicated bullshit that came with her. But I couldn't let my heart control me. Not if it let my people die.

 _Head and not my heart_ , I told it numbly.

"Clarke!"

I looked up and offered a tired smile to Monroe as she turned from guarding my door with Jes to talk to me. She'd been talking to her mentor about something obviously very funny to the both of them. Seeing their laughter was something that made me happy to witness. It was time they started bonding. Monroe's smiling expression lasted a millisecond in her turn to me before her eyes were flashing all over my face in concern. At the same time Jes shot from the door to me.

"Who did this?!" she growled gently holding my face in her hands.

She tipped it to the side and glared at the wound on the side of my head. Her fingers were trembling on my skin despite her expression staying calm. She was completely furious.

I pulled her hands off, "It doesn't matter" I mumbled and turned to Monroe, "Can we talk?"

Her eyes darted between me and Jes before she nodded, "Sure"

I left Jes' side and walked over to my door. I felt the look they both gave my back as I slipped into the room and I heard their quick whispers before Monroe followed me in and shut the door behind her. The steel slide of Jes' sword leaving its sheath filled the silence after and I rolled my eyes.

"She's worried, Clarke" Monroe shot defensively. I glanced back at her, "We all are"

I gave her another tired smile, "Im fine" I tried but she wouldn't buy it.

Monroe strode to the corner of the room and grabbed the bowl of water and cloth one of the grounders had left for me earlier. She came back after and nodded for me to sit on the bed. I rolled my eyes again but did as she said. Monroe sat beside me and gently touched my chin to get me to move my head. I did as she wanted and let her wash the cut for me, wincing every so often as she did.

"Gonna tell me who did this?" she mumbled leaning closer to check the cut. I winced again when she poked at it with her pinkie.

"Emerson" I gasped out through bared teeth.

Monroe's hand fell down and she leant back to stare at me. In her expression I saw disbelief and total shock.

"You are fucking joking?" was all she could respond with.

I shook my head and stood up, "He's alive. And trust me, he's punching"

I rubbed my finger along the cut on my temple. Monroe's eyes followed it and filled angrily.

"Yeah, I can see that. What's he even doing here, Clarke? I thought he died at the-"

"I didn't kill him" I snapped suddenly. My anger over the situation coloured out my usual calm display and made her jump a little. I was too agitated to care much, "He wasn't like the others. He got to walk away"

I expected her to be angry at me. For being that weak. For endangering our people like that. But she wasn't. Monroe just stood up and stepped in front of me with a small smile and fire in her eyes.

"So how do we make sure he doesn't walk away again?"

I saw in her a promise to go right this wrong I made. I saw a determination to make him pay again. For what he'd done to our people and what he'd done to me today. She saw me struggling with my feelings of guilt and rage, and she wanted to help me finish it. To help me end it.

I looked back at her just as determined. I wouldn't let Emerson hurt us again.

"I need to speak with him first" I decided and walked to the door.

Jes was already waiting for me on the other side. She looked at the cut on my temple again before she looked down at me for my order. I drew a deep breath before I made it.

"Tell the commander I want to see the mountain man. Tell her its important. Tell her this decision she requests of me cannot be made until I have spoken to him"

I didn't know whether it was the strength in my voice delivering the order or the hard look I gave her while delivering it, but something had Jes' mouth lifting in the corners before she bowed to me.

 _"Yes, Wanheda"_ She said obediently and turned to carry out my orders.

It was only as I shut the door behind her and turned to Monroe's proud grin I realised what was happening.

 _They're listening to me._

 _Like Heda._

I couldn't help but be terrified over the relief.

* * *

I took a deep breath to brace myself and nodded at the guard. He looked relieved and really I didn't blame him. I'd been pacing the last ten minutes trying to decide whether I actually wanted to do this. Facing Emerson was as close to facing what I'd done as I would ever get. The fire visions would look like a forgotten dream in comparison to the flesh and blood reality. I didn't know if I was capable of facing it head on.

But I had to be. My people expected it of me.

I expected it of me.

Hadrian leant forward at my nod and pulled the door open. He followed me a step into the throne room, hand tight on his spear incase anything happened. My eyes took in the dimness of the room, the shadows playing along the cold floor from the candles, the drawn curtains and the echoing silence filling the air. My heart drummed a little inside my chest. There was too much tension already.

I looked to the centre of the room where Lexa stood opposite a man chained by the throat to a post. My attention locked on the shadows on her face. It looked pale in this light. She looked tired. But her expression was still fierce. Angrily so. Beneath her calm skin I knew Lexa was a storm just waiting to strike. And I didn't blame her. This man had helped torture and kill so many of her people. His blood was hers just as much as it was mine.

Hadrian's steps receded at my head turning to order he go. He left quickly and silently. I took a long breath when he closed the door behind me. Lexa looked back at me with the noise and I could tell from the way her lips pursed a fraction that she'd been having her own conversation with Emerson. For a moment I worried what she'd said to him. I didn't trust her alone with him. And I hated that.

 _Is she making another deal with him?_

I told myself not to listen to the paranoid thoughts. But it was hard. My heart was already pounding scared seeing her stood so close to him.

Lexa looked between us and I thought I saw her eyes fill fearfully in realisation and understanding for my silent looks before she gave me a distant questioning one for me to speak.

"Give us a minute?" I asked gently.

Lexa glanced back at the man before walking quickly past me. I waited for the door to close behind her before I walked forward.

"Carl Emerson" I spoke coldly, repeating his first ever words to me, "Mount Weather security detail"

I let my eyes run over him. Over the dirty bloody skin and hair to the darkness of his eyes. He still looked crazy. He still looked mad.

 _You would be too,_ I told myself forcing my eyes to hold his angry ones.

Emerson glared straight back at me, "I've heard what they call you now. Wanheda, Commander of Death"

I ignored him. I wouldn't let him think he could get under my skin.

"I should've known it was you who told them how to destroy the mountain"

"I didn't destroy Mount Weather!" he bitterly laughed, "You did! 381 people. 182 men, 173 women, 26 children. Two of them were mine"

I felt a pang of regret hit the guilt inside me. Now it made sense. It wasn't just his people. It was his kids.

The cut on my temple stung sharper and I resisted the urge to touch it.

"Your president gave us no choice" I told him shoving my feelings aside. His lips curled up.

"What's the matter?" he cooed harshly, "You don't like to be faced with your demons?"

I glared and took a step closer. I wouldn't play games with him. He knew I held control over his life right now. I didn't want to hear his taunts. I wanted him to beg as I had begged for my people. I wanted to hear him say sorry. To show regret over the lives he helped steal for this.

I strode right up to him, showing him he didn't scare me. It made him jerk against his bonds. And I understood that completely. I was so close for the kill but so far too. I remembered feeling that way when they dragged me kicking and screaming away from Lexa.

I let that rage fuel me again now.

"If you want mercy, you're gonna have to ask me for it" I told him staring him down.

"I don't want mercy!" he laughed back and then his expression turned serious, "I want revenge!" he growled at me, "I want you to suffer the same way that I've suffered" I shivered at the dark threat in his voice. He smiled wider, crazier, "You can kill me, Clarke. You can never escape what you did"

 _You can't undo this, you can't escape it,_ Anya's voice rumbled deep through my thoughts.

Emerson's wild eyes watched me. And he sneered knowing of the deep pain rushing to the surface beneath my calm expression. The crashing in my chest pounded harder. The same way it had that night I murdered the mountain. I needed to go now before it broke free again.

I turned having nothing more to say to him. I heard him strain against his bonds seeing me leave.

"My pain ends today!" He shouted after me as I slipped out of the room, "Yours has just begun!"

The doors closed on his screamed promise. I still could hear him struggling to get free inside. I took a deep breath. But I couldn't stop the way it blew out of me. I raised a shaking hand to the cut on my temple. It was bleeding again. I stared at the blood on my hand.

 _Will it ever stop?_

"The truth hurts" Lexa's voice echoed to me suddenly.

I turned on the spot and spotted her stood a little ways down the corridor by a window. She had her knife out in her hand. Point pressed to her finger. It made my heart thrum thinking she'd probably been pacing worried and ready to storm into the room should Emerson have somehow hurt me.

I approached slowly and stood a couple steps away from her. Together we stared out the window. Eyes posted dutifully on the city below us.

"I didn't think you'd stay" I mumbled huskily to her. And I really hadn't. I thought she was still mad at me. I expected her to leave me to it. But she'd stayed.

I wasn't sure how to feel about it.

Lexa looked back at me. And I could feel her eyes searching me for something. Then she turned away.

"You handled it well enough" she said back. I hated how dull she sounded. There was no life in her voice. No Lexa. Just the commander.

"Aren't you proud?" I asked bitterly, finally lifting my eyes to look at her.

She'd been glaring out at her city. But now she stared back at me.

"Is this why you are choosing to kill Emerson?" She questioned turning to face me, "To gain my respect? Clarke.."

She tipped my face when I immediately turned it with the question so that I was looking at her again. Her eyes searched mine deeply. Her thumb brushed a fire down the side of my chin.

"This isn't who you are" she whispered softly, seriously.

 _Isn't it?_ I questioned sourly to myself.

"He killed my people" I argued back, "He killed your people too. He doesn't-"

"And I killed his people," she argued softly. Her thumb stroked gently down the side of my chin again, filling me with calming tingles, "You killed his people. If death is the only justice there is then we too deserve it"

I shook my head at her, "He's a monster, Lexa"

Her eyes turned a duller shade, "We are all monsters" she whispered sadly and turned back to the window, "In this world we need to be"

I watched her stare out at her city. I watched her shoulders moving gently with her breaths. And I wondered how they were so strong to hold everything. When I felt like a mess inside for what I'd done, how did lexa stay so strong for her burdens?

I didn't know the answer.

"If you decide to remain with your verdict of Emerson's death I will not keep his life from you" Lexa turned her head a little but still refused to look at me, "For all you have done for my people and all you are continuing to do... You have earned his blood. But I hope," She turned to face me, eyes staring down into mine, "I hope you prove yourself better than that. Otherwise..."

I waited but she didn't say. She knew she didn't need to. I could see what she was biting back.

 _Otherwise you're the same as him_ , my heart sank miserably.

Lexa watched me a moment longer and then turned her back to walk away. I wanted to call her back. To tell her I was wrong and of course I wouldn't kill Emerson. But I couldn't do that. He was the reason I was what I was. Him and Cage. They made me kill.

They made me the monster.

I turned away with my thoughts and walked down to my room. I needed to be somewhere quiet so I could think about this mess and what I needed to do about it. My gut told me to let Emerson die. My heart told me it was wrong. But my anger confused the defining line between the two choices.

I strode quickly to my room, pausing outside when I realised there was no guard stationed there. I frowned to myself. Why would Lexa leave me unprotected? Maybe she was mad at me.

I sighed to myself and let myself into my room. My head was blurring with everything that had happened today. I couldn't help but think what was coming next. What else was waiting to go wrong? I turned to shut the door, exhaling a desperately tired breath as I did. But I stopped short on my turn back to the room when my eyes landed on a figure stood studying the candles on the shelf in the corner.

"Titus, what are you doing in my room?"

The flame keeper turned and looked blandly back at me, "You spend so much time talking about peace, I think it's time we made peace with each other, don't you?"

I eyed his calm demeanour before I let my curiosity give him my agreement. I wanted to know what he wanted. What he had to say. Because I knew Titus wasn't my biggest fan.

Titus slowly approached me. I walked to the seat opposite the one he was taking, slowing like he did when we neared one another. He was watching me carefully. Like he expected me to attack him. He was too tense. And that made me tense. I didn't like how calm he looked.

"I appreciate the predicament you're in, Clarke" He began once he cautiously sat down opposite me, "I do. After convincing Lexa not to avenge the massacre of our army, it must be hard for you to choose to take your own revenge"

I bit my tongue hearing the sarcastic sneer enter his voice. This wasn't revenge. This was stopping Emerson for good.

 _Isn't it the same thing?_ I thought against myself.

"Perhaps now you realise how difficult this new policy will be for our people to accept" Titus was saying.

"This has nothing to do with what happened to your army" I shot quickly, "Emerson is guilty. Wiping out my people for the crimes of a few is not justice"

"Did you not wipe out his people for what a few of them did to yours?"

His counter cut my argument down immediately. He'd reminded me of what Lexa told me before.

"You're a leader, Clarke" he continued, "Lexa listens to you. Help me to protect her. Blood must not have blood is folly. Our people will not accept it, and I fear.."

My eyes locked on him. Titus didn't pass me as someone who'd easily admit being scared. His eyes shone a little desperately on mine and he swallowed nervously.

"I fear it will get her killed" he said strongly.

My heart shuddered in my chest. It told me to listen to him. Because it was a complete possibility that Lexa could die from this new stand of mercy. And it was something I'd been terrified of the second she agreed to it. But I couldn't do what Titus was asking.

"I can't help you do something that leads to war against my people"

Titus' eyes flashed darkly and he stood up. I felt myself tense up in my seat but forced myself to stay seated. I wouldn't let him believe he scared me. Titus looked far from defeated as he looked down on me.

"Then we're at an impasse" He mumbled, a soft growl hiding in the roll of his voice.

He bowed his head in a quick nod when I stayed silent and then he stalked quickly out of my room. My eyes stared blindly at the candles in the corner of the room as I thought through what just happened. Titus was desperate. Which made me worry what his people thought about blood must not have blood and just how many of them may be planning to hurt Lexa because of it.

I wanted to protect her. I had to. She was the only hope I had of keeping my people alive. But to spare Emerson? When doing so could have us all killed? He was too dangerous to keep alive.

So I could kill emerson and wait for Lexa's people to turn against her. Resulting in a war and her probable death.

Or I could spare him and let him walk, knowing he could come back and repeat what he managed to achieve through Nia, just with another clan that didn't like Lexa's leadership.

"Either way I'm trapped" I mumbled staring at the flame of the tallest candle flicker and dim. It would go out soon.

I knew how it felt.

A soft knock on the door drew my attention away. I looked over my shoulder at it when Jes' voice called gently out for me. I called her in and waited for her to walk around me to stand in front of me.

"Are you okay?" she asked looking down at me in concern. I gave her a nod.

"Yes and no" I shared sighing to myself. I sank back into my chair, wincing when I forgot about my back.

Jes watched me with a pained expression. I waved at the other seat Titus had used.

"You can sit" I told her smiling when she looked back at the seat confused, "Just sit" I begged her.

Jes eased herself down but her eyes never left my face. I looked away awkwardly and caught myself staring at the candles again. I felt calm watching their flickering. Despite the flying speed of my crashing thoughts.

"What would you do, Jes?" I asked her when overthinking gave me a headache.

"Clarke?"

"Would you kill him because he killed your people. Or would you spare him because thats how we've decided to live now?"

Jes' thoughtful silence surprised me enough to make me look at her.

"You are afraid for heda" she told me sympathetically, "But you cannot live your life in fear for others, Clarke"

"I'm afraid for my people" I argued calmly.

Jes watched me just as calmly back. Not arguing back because she knew it was pointless.

"I would kill him" she announced and I wasn't surprised, "But not for what he did to your people. I would kill him for what he tried to do today"

"So he can kill my people, thats fine. But its his attacking me that deserves his death?" I questioned confused by her decision.

Jes smiled, "I would kill him just for looking at you wrong, Clarke. I don't care about your past connections. I don't need them to solidify the decision"

I rolled my eyes. She was answering the wrong question. I decided to let it go. She wouldn't understand. I turned my attention back to the candles and breathed slowly with their flickers. I heard the seat across from me moan a little when she leant forward on it.

"Clarke, you know what is expected of you as Wanheda" I nodded with a bitter glare for the candle flames. Jes carried on, "But it is important not to lose yourself in what others expect" I blinked with surprise and turned my head to look at her. She smiled, "We are defined by what we do. But we are also defined by what we do not do. Warriors know to make their enemies pay for stealing blood. But you are not a warrior. You're more. Much more. You command death. Do not let it command you"

I sank back again with a little wonder working through my thoughts. Jes watched me silently, with a slight smile at my slowly processing everything she'd said.

"What's your impression of Titus?" I asked knowing she would be honest with me. I could trust her opinion better than Lexa's because she wasn't associated with him at all.

Jes' eyes moved away from me and I watched them turn dark and stoney. Clearly she didn't like him.

"The flame keeper is... unique.. in his methods. Heda thinks very highly of him"

"I didn't ask for Lexa's opinion" I told her curtly and locked her eyes. Jes nodded.

"My honest opinion?" I nodded at her, "He is cruel. And he is dangerous"

 _Thought so._

I straightened up feeling a little uncomfortable. I didn't like knowing I'd been right in my instincts about Titus. I knew now he was just another person I would need to keep an eye on. I breathed calmly to myself. I never felt safe here, or anywhere, but now I definitely didn't feel safe. This emerson thing would push Titus into acting. It'd push any of the threatened grounders into acting. I had to make sure this was the right choice. For me and my people.

I glanced back at Jes and she looked easily back. I read the promise in her eyes when she slowly smiled back at me. And I nodded accepting her protection.

"Tonight will change everything" she told me solemly, "Again"

I nodded. It would.

* * *

My eyes darted continuously around the dark hall. Moving cautiously over every single person standing waiting for the ceremony to begin. Jes had left my side the second Titus had strode in. Guards weren't allowed in heda's meetings. I'd told her it was okay. I would be fine. But the second she strode away I couldn't help but feel exposed and jittery. More than half the men and women that were going to be in that room had openly expressed a desire to take my blood as payment for their army being murdered. I didn't feel safe at all.

I told myself to stay calm and keep my eyes on the door swinging open and shut with every ambassador and nightblood walking through it. Every time I caught sight og the one standing in the centre of the room. Emerson didn't shake with fear. He didn't look sorry or angry. He just looked blankly at the floor. At first I let myself believe it had been shock. But when his eyes sought mine out in the crowd it was easy to see he didn't care what happened to him. He was a man with nothing. I hated how I understood his standing.

"Funny, isnt it" A voice beside me whispered over the drums filtering out through the closed door.

I looked beside myself and stared at Kiki smirking at me. I didn't know she'd be attending tonight. I didn't even know the clan leaders had arrived in the city yet. I'd been convinced Lexa had rejected that piece of titus' advice.

 _Whats she doing here?_

Kiki ignored the confused look I gave her and nodded over to the door opening again, revealing emerson.

"Some men cry when death comes for them. Others do not. It is we who wield the blade that decide whether it is an act of bravery or insanity on their part. And even then we must decide whether we are merciful when we kill them, or just too lost in our lust for vengeance to see we are letting them win"

I felt my brow scrunch into a hard frown. Why was she telling me this? Was it to persuade me against this choice to kill Emerson?

"You sound like Lexa" I mumbled turning round again to watch titus sneak back out of the room. His eyes caught mine as it shut behind him and he gave me a tiny nod, as if urging me in my choice tonight.

Kiki chuckled beside me.

"I won't take offence for that. This time" she told me still laughing, "We have never really spoken with one another, Clarke"

I turned from watching Titus walk away and gave her a stunned look for calling me by my name. She smiled and bowed her head understanding.

"Lexa speaks very highly of you" she told me, eyes twinkling a little while she glanced behind me, "I got the feeling from her that you do not like the title Wanheda"

I nodded past the jump in my chest, "Its not me" I mumbled back.

"No?" she looked amused. I stayed quiet and turned my attention away, "Perhaps in time it will be. Then we may see just how fearsome you really are"

I laughed, "I'm not fearsome"

Kiki hummed and leant close all of a sudden. I felt the warmth of her breath touch my neck when she whispered in my ear, "You could be. In the right light"

 _Is she hitting on me?,_ I thought feeling completely uncomfortable. She never gave the impression that she liked me before. And in a room full of grounders who hated me the public display of interest didn't help me out at all.

I didn't know how to tell her to back off without insulting her. So I looked away to make sure nobody was watching us. Thankfully nobody was. Their attention was locked on the prisoner awaiting death.

All but one.

My eyes locked on Lexa walking towards us with her guard. She'd stopped midstep, pausing suddenly when she looked around the emptying hall and noticed her clan leader leant so close to me. I swallowed seeing her stare at us. She looked surprised. But not for Kiki leaning close. For my allowing it. I stepped away from kiki immediately watching the light in Lexa's eyes fade a little.

"We should speak some time" Kiki offered giving me a wide smile when I turned to tell her to stop.

I saw her eyes shoot smugly over my shoulder before returning to me brighter.

"I could tell you many things about my people"

Her eyes darted purposefully over my shoulder again and I knew straight away what she was really offering to talk about.

"Heda" Titus' voice carried over to me and I looked back in time to watch him guide lexa into another room to talk privately. She looked calm enough but I saw the tension in her jaw as she spoke with her flame keeper. And the harshness of her step. She was mad at me. Because of Kiki.

 _Why?_ , I wondered.

"Clarke?" Kiki touched my shoulder and I jumped not expecting the contact. Her eyes rushed all over me in concern.

I shook my head at her.

"Thanks. But I don't think I'm going to be around much longer" I told her and walked away into the throne room. I stumbled to a stop three steps in seeing Emerson but forced myself to walk around him. His crooked smile followed me.

I took up a place among the other clan ambassadors right of lexa's throne and stood still waiting for it to drums banged harder and faster in their dark rhythm. The entire room went silent and heads turned to the door just as it opened for Lexa. She strode in behind her guards, head high and angry. Her warriors moved aside to allow her to walk alone, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared for her being so close to emerson without protection. She didn't seem to care. Her eyes looked almost black as they locked on the man in front of her. She threw him a disgusted look and swept quickly around his post to her throne. Titus followed swiftly behind.

I glanced away to Kiki again when Lexa's looked around the room and I rolled my eyes at her slight smirk as she took up a stance by her ambassador. She was watching the commander like the rest of us. Only she looked like she was provoking Lexa. But I didn't understand why.

I turned my attention away in time to see Lexa raise a hand to silence the room. The drums crashed to a stop and Lexa began speaking.

 _"We come together tonight, as we have countless times before, to watch a man die"_

I shivered feeling the ice in her words.

"Wanheda" Lexa called my name and everyone's head turned my way.

I ignored them and looked only at her. She bent slightly and took her knife off her thigh. Then she held it out to her guard. The room seemed to be holding its breath while he walked with it to stand beside Emerson, the knife held out in open offer to me. Everyone's eyes were on me now. I could feel them all waiting for me to move.

I stared down at the knife. I could do this. I had to.

"Vengeance is yours" Lexa told me, anger lying dim and bitter in her voice.

I peaked back at her and then started walking forward to take the knife. The guard bowed his head to me and held it up for me to have. I paused. Beside me emerson was shaking. Form fear or anger I couldn't tell. Probably both. I looked back at him, at the dark glint in his eyes as he waited. He looked ready. He even looked eager. I thought quickly through this decision and made myself remember Jes' advice over everything else. She'd said to not lose myself. Lexa had said this wasn't me. She was right. They both were.

 _Heart and not my head._

I told myself to ignore my anger for emerson. I told myself killing him wouldn't absolve anything. I would still be angry and I would still be guilty. Showing this mercy was more beneficial. Thats what I told myself.

"No"

My voice echoed around the room with my rejecting the knife. Whispers raced around me but they were cancelled out the second I locked eyes with Lexa over Emersons shoulder. She looked surprised by my change of heart. But beneath that stoney commander's look I could read the relief she felt. And the pride. It helped solidify my decision. It helped me believe it was right.

I nodded the guard away and looked back to Emerson, to the shock in his eyes. He stared at me in silence but his expression demanded an explanation. So I gave it to him.

"I don't know if your death would bring me peace. I just know I don't deserve it"

Movement behind emerson caught my eye and I watched Lexa's flame keeper slink quickly forward. He looked at me angrily with eyes screaming at me how I'd done the completely wrong thing. I gave him a blank look back. It wasn't wrong in my eyes.

"This man must die!" Titus growled out furiously over the heightening whispers around us, "If Skaikru will not take his life, then Heda will!"

"Heda will speak for herself" Lexa barked at him, "Enough, Titus"

"What the hell is this?" Emerson growled at me, panic in his voice.

"I wouldn't be killing you for what you've done" I answered strongly, "I'd be killing you for what I've done"

I looked past him to lexa again. Seeing the beginnings of a smile crack in the corner of her mouth gave me the strength to announce my final verdict.

" _I give this man his life_ " I called out loudly and received a round of gasps, _"Blood must not have blood"_

Emerson screamed out furious. Lexa's people began murmuring and shaking their heads. Some turned to the throne shouting at lexa to overrule my decision. She ignored them all. Her attention was locked entirely on me.

 _"Silence!"_ Lexa finally shouted at her people, " _The crimes of the mountain cannot be answered by one man._ Wanheda knows this. Her actions show us a promise for a new future, a world in which violence does not always answer violence, a world in which our children can flourish without the shadow of death"

Lexa looked up at her nightbloods lining the balcony above us then and I could hear the deep and desperate desire in her to make that a reality for them. It was clear she wanted them to have a life completely different from her own. Lexa looked back down at emerson with fury in her eyes again.

"This prisoner is banished from my land" she growled lowly, "He will live, but he will live with the ghosts of those he has lost, haunted until the end of his days by the knowledge that he is the last of his kind"

Emerson's eyes locked on me with lexa's verdict. He looked lost and without hope. I watched the tears sliding down his cheeks and I felt an immense satisfaction for it. He deserved this. He deserved all of it.

I leant forward to him and lowered my voice bitterly.

"May you live forever"

Emerson started to scream and struggle in his bonds. The brace around his throat pushed dangerously tight and I realised what he was trying to do. I looked up at lexa and she quickly nodded to her guards. Cain and Hadrian both walked forward at the silent order and unlocked his restraints before he could hurt himself.

I moved back as they clamped their hands around his arms. He was dragged kicking and screaming from the throne room. And he kept screaming down the stairs. I swallowed when I watched it and saw myself in his position. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

"Leave" I heard lexa order over the whispers of her people.

I heard many pairs of feet walk around me, and felt multiple bodies brush past me. It took me a moment to realise the order was meant for everyone. I opened my eyes and started to walk after the rest of lexa's people.

"Clarke" she called out for me.

I stopped and glanced back at her by her throne. She clasped her arms behind her back and sent me a slightly warmer look than before.

"Stay" she ordered sternly.

I nodded knowing she wanted to question me about this. It made me nervous. I turned to wait for everybody else to leave. The last was titus, who after getting nowhere with his whispering in lexa's ear stalked out of the room with an intense look for me. I ignored it and walked to the steps leading to lexa's throne. She looked down at me.

"How do you do it, Clarke?" she asked, voice husking on the edge of a whisper.

"Do what?" I asked taking the last few steps up towards her.

She let me, with eyes searching me deeply. I wanted to look away at the intensity of her gaze. But I couldn't.

Lexa tipped her head. Maybe she saw my refusing to back down as a challenge. She stared a second longer and then her features moved into a little frown. It had my heart skipping a little against my ribs.

"Surprise me" she answered slowly, clearly thinking hard, "How do you keep doing it?"

I smiled despite myself and shook my head. I didn't know what she wanted me to say. Lexa slowly smiled at me and touched my hand gently.

"You did the right thing" She told me, and strangely this time I believed her.

I nodded and met her eyes again, "I know"

She beamed at me and raised her hand to the balcony behind us. I smiled and walked around her throne and she followed quietly behind. Together we walked out into the cool air and quiet of the city below us.

I looked up at the stars before I glanced back at her. She was stood at the edge of the balcony, with hands firmly holding the wall. I stepped up beside her and looked to where her eyes were locked. When I looked down I saw a warrior mounting a horse and the man tied to walk behind it. He would be pulled and dragged to the boundary line and then he'd be set free. I worried what would happen to him. Where he would go.

I looked back to lexa to voice my concern but stopped seeing her staring at me. She was looking for a reaction. She was hoping to figure out what was going on in my head. I smiled at her and looked up at the sky.

"Beautiful night, isn't it?" I sighed closing my eyes to ignore emerson's echoing pained shouts below us. He was being taken away now. Away from us and away from me ever getting revenge for my people.

 _You did the right thing,_ I repeated Lexa's words to me. I clung to them. I needed it right now.

"Yes" she replied and I heard the shift of her clothes in her taking a step closer to me, "Beautiful"

I looked back at her and caught her staring at me again. My heart bumped knowing she wasn't talking about the night at all. I gave her a slight smile and looked down at emerson being dragged out of the city. I gripped the cold wall tight in my palms and glared after him. I couldn't help but think this was only the beginning where he was concerned.

"I am proud" I heard the deep respect in her voice and it had me smiling to myself, "Really proud, actually"

I chuckled at the gleam of surprise in her eyes, "You don't seem sure" I teased her.

"I am" she told me solemly. She watched me quietly a moment, as if she was hesitating something. I waited patiently with eyes cast on the stars again. I let them search the sky for a long time. Looking for the place I used to call home.

"I want us to train again, Clarke" Lexa said and quickly added, "Properly this time"

I hid my surprise and gave her a questioning smile before I turned to face her fully. I crossed my arms over my chest and lifted my chin.

"I didn't think you'd want me hanging around" I admitted quietly, "Your people aren't happy with-"

"My people will adjust" she promised quickly, "Their happiness does not change the fact that I want you stay"

Our eyes locked and I knew she was completely serious. She wanted me to stay.

My heart was racing manically, and it only increased when she smiled at me all knowingly. Almost as if she could hear it too. I turned out of embarrassment and looked down at the tiny light that was the warriors leading emerson away from the city. I stared at it obsessively.

"He won't be coming back" She said softly.

I nodded. I didn't doubt that. I just worried about where emerson was headed now.

"You should rest, Clarke" Lexa told me laying a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I blinked and looked back to her. She smirked at my confused look.

"Training begins at first light"

She began walking back to her throne room, head held high and confident. I turned with her frowning.

"How do you know I'm saying yes?" I shot at her.

Lexa didn't even look back.

"Because you enjoy surprising me, Clarke"

My legs shook a little at the deep husk to her voice and I fell back against the wall shivering to myself. Lexa slipped quietly back into the throne room not knowing what she'd done. Or maybe she did. There had to be a reason for the smug change to her walk. I pressed a hand over my weak fluttering heart and slowly breathed out.

 _Shit._


	26. Chapter 26

**_Guys! I'm sorry its been a while. Haven't had the best of times lately but your support has been amazing! And I really appreciate it. Thanks!_**

 ** _So I went to NZ and I had an awesome time. But sadly I was forced to come home early (take note kids, trekking in the bush will get your legs badly injured if you're not prepared). So now I've returned to the reality of being skint broke and unemployed with a bum leg.. Sooooo... I am really into the writing game right now._**

 ** _Speaking of, I'm writing on A03 too! Follow me there (same username) I mean, you know, if you want... :D_**

 ** _Today we're going to filler start into canon end. Only two more chapters of canon left, guys! Btw I didn't re-watch the episode for this sooooooo don't hate me if there's anything wrong! **If you're re-reading, I've mega edited since uploading!**_**

 ** _Spread the love;_**

 ** _Allyon; What did Paloma Faith say? 'You start to see the world differently when you turn it upside down'. Maybe this is just one of those times. Thanks for the review :)_**

 ** _FurionKnight; Still eager? :)_**

 ** _zersttskis47;_** **_He rā ki tua._**

 ** _SkyWanheda; You've become an honestly amazing mate. This one's for you :)_**

 ** _Guest Iri; Again, thats your opinion._**

 _ **Ana Caroline; Justice is coming!**_

 ** _silverlightdragon; Thanks for the emails and story prompts! I promise to work on them now I'm home!_**

 _ **ThatLife** **StruggleIsREAL; Awesome username! Thanks for the review, hope this chapter doesn't disappoint!**_

 _ **SailorSayuri; You always manage to review before I update. Must be a gift! I'm sorry you had bad luck with your computer. But not to worry, I can be replied upon for slow updates so you'll always be able to catch up fine :)**_

 _ **moosejuice5: *Chuckles at username* Thats good :D I'm glad you're enjoying the story!**_

 _ **Mystery Guest: I'm glad you love it! I dunno about amazing but I hope this chapter lives up to expectation :)**_

 _ **dancefightkm: Whoa a lot better than the show? I dunno about that. Hey I'm back now. Lets hope its to stay. Thanks for the kind review.**_

 _ **green eyed typhoon; I tried real hard to edit this chapter so hopefully there's no annoying grammar!**_

 **An awesome tune that followed me around NZ: Therapy by Brooke Fraser.**

* * *

 _ **We may be drawing a line...**_

* * *

 **Lexa.**

"Your wounds are healing nicely" I told her struggling to hide my smile away. I nodded to the grounds boundary where a dummy stood holding Clarke's knife to its chest, "You very nearly hit your mark just then"

Clarke picked up another knife and tapped it against her finger. She looked back at me and smirked.

"Who said I was trying?" She shot back cheekily.

I felt my lips lift into a smirk straight away. I took a step back while she pulled her arm back to throw again. My eyes ran approvingly along the length of her stance. I was thoroughly impressed. Three weeks training and she had picked up everything I had taught her. But it didn't surprise me. Clarke had a hunger for knowledge. A thirst for learning. She was a true survivor.

"If this is your not trying.." I reached forward to position her arm a little better. Her eyes moved back to catch mine when we touched and I smiled before I stood back, "I look forward to when you show me your full potential"

My heart bumped in my chest like it was laughing at me. I was a little amused by my own unashamed response to her. Teasing had always been something of a difficulty for me with Costia, awkward. Clarke made it feel as natural as breathing. She played and I played right back. Confidently. I loved it.

"I could show you anytime" she husked with a daring glint to her blue eyes, "You just have to ask nicely"

We shared a smile but then hers fell and she looked a little distantly towards her target. I felt my own smile fade watching her think. She was troubled. Something lay heavy on her mind and had been since the moment she watched her, our, enemy being dragged from my city. It was no mystery what had Clarke's worry this time.

"You still feel weighed with your decision to spare Emerson" I spoke softly, not wanting to upset her by mentioning that particular monster. I knew he haunted her dreams every night. She didn't reply. Just tapped the knife in her hand, "Clarke, if you've changed your mind-"

"No" she mumbled eyes trained on the knife, "Its not that. I just feel.. lighter, somehow" Clarke looked surprised by her own admission, "I thought I killed an entire race. But he's alive. It wasn't total genocide. I know it doesn't change anything but.. at the same time.. it does. You know?"

I didn't answer her. Just watched her fight herself to let it go. Clarke puffed to herself and drew her arm back to throw the knife.

"Figures he'd be the one to survive though" She snarled under her breath and angrily threw the blade.

I heard it whizz through the air before it sank with a satisfying thud into the target. Clarke's eyes brightened with her hit before they dulled again. I took a step closer to her and gently touched my palm to the elbow she was rubbing in agitation. She looked up at the shy contact and watched me carefully.

"He is paying for his crimes, Clarke. As you have" Her eyes and mine flickered to her branded arm. I forced my guilty gaze away, "Justice has been rewarded on all sides. Now we can all move on"

I squeezed her elbow before I let her go. Her eyes followed my hand away and then she nodded.

"Most of us anyway" she agreed looking to the city, with worry in her eyes again, "Where do you think he'll go?"

"I dont know" I told her truthfully, my own worry beginning in my chest, "But for now I don't care. He can live out his days alone in the dead zone for all I mind. So long as you are safe from him. That's all I worry for"

I almost regretted letting the words loose. I'd shown far too much concern over her in one statement. And yet I found myself not caring at all. And despite eveything Titus had ever taught me on the matter I didn't feel weak for showing my care for her. Strangely it felt good.

 _Is this how it feels to be normal?_ I wondered watching her eyes immediately snap back to my face. I held them easily and found her searching me too. Maybe she was thinking the same. Slowly Clarke gave the smallest of smiles. And quickly I delivered one back to her.

I stood back straight after and nodded at the belt on her thigh holding the throwing knives, "Now, show me your secret skill, Wanheda" I teased.

Instead of looking pained, like I feared she might for my use of her title, Clarke merely gave a chuckle and reached for a knife. She waved it at me playfully.

"I'm saving those for later"

She threw the knife and looked back to me while it sailed through the air. I left her gaze to briefly watch it sink directly into the middle of the dummy's heart. I looked back with pride to find her smirking smugly at me. I smiled at her and reached for my own knife off her thigh. If she wanted to play games then Heda could play.

Clarke's eyes turned a darker shade with my fingers slowly grazing her leg and they held mine carefully until I'd gripped and released the knife. I forced myself from leaning close like I wanted and instead turned on the spot and aimed the knife. I then threw it hard across the field to the first tree standing towards us in the orchard. I heard Clarke whisper a 'wow!' under her breath when the knife hit its target, throwing an apple to the ground. I turned smirking smugly after and basked in the way she stared at me in awe.

"Lets move on to the swords" I grinned moving to collect them from the ground behind us. I heard Clarke come after me.

"Actually, do you mind if we stop for the day?"

I glanced back at her holding her left arm awkwardly, grimacing a little. I nodded immediately.

"Of course"

I collected the swords and then the throwing knives and tucked them in their respected places inside the weapons shed. Then I walked with Clarke to the edge of the field.

We walked in silence through the orchard, sharing the apple I had stabbed down before. I often caught myself sending her a side glance, catching her smile around at everything, and smiling myself. And the entire time my heart was aching for me to reach out to her. To touch her hand that lay still at her side so close to mine and tell her what I had been wanting to say back at the drop ship when we had been too close to going our seperate ways.

 _I don't need to tell her now,_ I told it, forcing it to keep steady as we continued to walk. And I didn't. Clarke had made it clear that she was going nowhere for the time being. There was no need to speak of things that might make her leave.

 _Coward,_ My heart whispered back. I ignored it.

"So what's with all the decorations?" Clarke asked pulling me from my fight with myself.

I looked up to her pointing at the banners and lanterns being hung in the market place. It looked more colorful than normal. More inviting. Everybody moved around smiling to one another. It was peaceful.

I turned my head back to explain.

"Its-"

"Heda!" A young voice called over to me and seconds later a child was wrapping her arms around my legs. I smiled when I immediately recognised her.

"Hello Eve"

Another voice cried after the girl and I looked to see her mother running forward to pull her away from me. She looked at me scared for her daughter's disrespectful rush over. I simply smiled over her stream of apologies.

"Its alright" I reassured her and crouched down to Eve's level when she tugged on my shirt. She shyly looked back at me and then moved her hand out, opening her palm with an offering.

 _"Is that for me?_ " I asked her gently as I took the braid from her to study. It was made from red hair. When I looked at hers I saw it shorter than the last time I'd seen her.

Eve nodded at me, half hiding her face into her mother's skirt. I smiled at her and put it around my wrist. Beside me I felt Clarke watching everything I did closely. Clearly my behaviour around the child surprised her. I touched the delicate braid.

"A perfect fit. _Thank you, little one"_

The little girl touched her braid on my wrist and gave a happy giggle before she hid herself into her mother's skirt. I smiled and stood back. I shook my head at Eve's mother again apologising.

 _"She's been growing it for the past year, adamant she would give you the braid for Ascension Day"_ She explained looking down at her daughter lovingly, _"She has spoken of nothing else all morning"_

I looked down at Eve peering up at me before her eyes moved to Clarke beside me. She stared at the blonde in awe. And Clarke was taking it in her stride despite obviously feeling uncomfortable.

"Eve, this is my friend, Clarke" Eve's baby blue eyes looked up at Clarke nervously, "Clarke, this is my friend, Eve. Eve wants to be a healer. Just like you"

Clarke flashed Eve a bright smile that had my heart stopping for a couple beats. I had to blink and look away for a moment in order for myself to recover.

"Thank you, Flowe" I told Eve's mother when the ability to speak came back to me. I looked down to Eve and touched her braid, "Thank you Eve"

I started to walk away after that, urging Clarke to follow me.

 _"Bye, beautiful"_ She smiled to the little girl and walked in pace at my side.

"It was nice of you to accept her gift" Clarke mumbled beside me. I gave her a side glance and smiled to myself. I knew what she was thinking. She was surprised to see me act so kind to a child when I was so cold and emotionless to others. Even my nightbloods.

She has yet to see all sides that make heda, I thought amused.

"Why would I not?" I questioned back, "She made it special for me. It would be rude to decline such a gift when so much time has been put into making it"

Clarke didn't reply. Just stared thoughtfully at the ground as we walked. We'd made it almost to the tower before she broke the silence.

"So... Ascension Day?"

I smiled at the curiosity in her voice and turned to her. She was smiling too, waiting for me to explain. I decided to do better. Clarke let me move back past her and allowed me to wordlessly lead her back through the market. And she kept her silence faithfully until we reached the south edge of the Polis where the temple stood gleaming proudly in the hot sun. I stood to the side so she could walk forward and touch the building.

"This is..." she frowned sternly to herself like she recognised it. I walked forward to her and pressed my own palm to the cold metal.

"This is the temple of Polis" I informed, "My people come here to pray"

Clarke was still frowning.

"It also holds the history of our people. Come with me"

I ushered her inside and guided her to the wall the priests kept decorated with paintings and carvings of the commanders that had come before me. Clarke gasped looking up at it all. Her eyes gleam impressed over the colors in the images. Her hand came up to follow them in her slow walk along the wall. I smiled after her. I could remember staring up at them when I had first stumbled upon the wall. For years I came back to trace the carvings.

"The first commander was born from the great tree" I pointed to the furthest painting showing a white tree torn open. I moved my finger to indicate the other side of it where a horse stood, "Meesha was the commander's general and best friend"

"And bodyguard" Clarke added touching the painting of the horse, "But she couldn't protect her"

I saw a tremor move through the blonde before she glanced back at me. In her eyes I saw the same fear to protect me. It drew me close to her side.

"Becca was her name" I whispered looking down at Clarke while she stared at the wall, "When she died, her daughter took the flame. And then her son. And his daughter. But by that time the other children of the commanders, the ones who hadn't taken the flame, had spread out across our lands. Taking other tribes. Spreading their genes. That's when the fighting began" I tapped the image of warring tribes, "The people didn't believe that the right to rule should be passed down through blood anymore. But be fought for by blood"

"The conclave" Clarke guessed looking down the line of images to the one holding fighting children.

I stared at the fierce expressions painted against the wall. I nodded.

"The conclave can consist of any number of children, at any age. So long as they hold nightblood"

"How many were at your conclave?" she asks carefully, not drawing her voice above a whisper.

I looked down at her sad blue eyes and read a pity in them for my having to partake in any of it. I counted the names in my head. I heard their screams echo in my mind. And I felt the old dull guilt in my chest.

"Nine" I answered watching her eyes turn even sadder. Clarke looked away.

"This doesn't explain Ascension Day" she said moving further down the wall.

I pulled my hands behind my back and walked slowly after her.

"Ascension Day marks the end of the conclave. When a victor has been chosen and a commander rises to lead their people"

Clarke stopped mid step and froze. She looked back at me, brow rising and eyes widening in surprise.

"You celebrate the day you murdered all those kids?"

I almost flinched at the disgust I could hear veiled inside the question. She didn't approve at all. That much was obvious.

Clarke waited for an answer, watching me closely as I fought the horrific images coming to the front of my mind. And the slight confusion. I'd always seen it as an honour before. Titus had always reassured me that it was. But Clarke was right. It had been murder. Especially the younger ones that had fallen to my sword. The ones that had never stood a chance against me, who were too young to understand why they were fighting. An ache ran through my heart and my back tingled as if feeling the needle again driving their memory into my skin. Gone, but not forgotten.

"I do not celebrate it" I numbly told Clarke and turned away. She caught my hand to stop me.

Our eyes locked, hers staring concerned and wanting me to explain. I didn't want to. I couldn't. Her expression softened gently and she squeezed my hand before she let go of it. She looked away to the wall again, looking mesmerised with the detail. I felt my own eyes move down the mural after her, stopping to linger in the corner of the room where long ago Costia had pulled me close after my conclave and kissed me to stop my tears. My heart panged miserably. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to think of the past. Not now.

"Lexa?" I looked back at Clarke looking at me worried. So I covered my sadness and smiled to her. My eyes ran over the dirt and sweat covering her face in the candlelight. I suggested that we go clean ourselves up.

"Would you like to stand in on the Ascension ceremony with the nightbloods?" I asked her as we left the temple, "I will be discussing Ascension Day with them. Ambassadors are welcomed to come listen too. You can learn more about it"

She knew without being told that it was a high honour to be included in the nightbloods' lessons. Clarke immediately beamed at me and nodded. She seemed eager to learn more about our traditions if she could. I was grateful for her effort. And pleased for it.

I walked Clarke up to her room, answering more of her questions, until we ran out of time to talk.

"So I'll see you later?" she said stopping by the door to her room.

I nodded, "Soon" I corrected smiling before I turned away to walk to my own room. I thought of her smile as she'd taken in the temple paintings. And it made me happy.

* * *

"We gather here on this Ascension Day to honour the commanders that came before me. Those who live on within me, as I will live on within one of you"

My attention was drawn away from the nightbloods looking eager for me to continue. Instead it caught on the noise outside and then the doors being thrown open and a man I recognised as a Trikru chief barging his way through my guards. His dark eyes locked on me angrily as he limped forward. It gave me a wary feeling straight away.

 _"The flame keeper promised we would be heard!"_ The chief growled glaring about the room of ambassadors as he shrugged off my guards.

"Titus," I frowned watching the intruders walk closer. I looked back to him to explain, "What is this?"

He turned to me looking both regretful and pleased by the intrusion.

"Something you need to hear, Heda" He replied shortly and looked away.

I looked too as the chief and his people moved to their knees in front of me. The chief locked my eyes and moved his raised hand, motioning to his guard behind him. The room filled with gasps as a girl was thrown forward through the crowd, forced to stand beside the chief, who looked at her hatefully.

She stumbled against her guard when he pulled her to the side, gasping out behind her gag but looking around fiercely still too. I stared down at her. At the anger in her charcoal eyes and the blood trickling down the side of her bruised head. She didn't look at me. She was busy staring at the blonde stood behind Titus.

"Oktevia!" Clarke gasped taking a panicked step forward, stopping only when the Trikru chief scowled at her. He looked away to me.

 _"Forgive me for intruding on this holy day, Commander_ " He slowly rose back to his feet, _"I am Semet from Trikru. And I come seeking justice"_

The uneasiness I felt on their intrusive barge into the room doubled. And even more so seeing Oktevia look back at him guiltily. What had she done?

 _"Explain yourself"_ I ordered holding his eyes as I spoke, _"Why do you hold Oktevia of Skaikru prisoner?"_

 _"She is a prisoner of war. Brought here to bear witness to the crimes of her people"_

I stared down at him. War? Crimes? Did he mean the slaughter of my army or something new?

Clarke moved suddenly down the throne steps to face the chief. He looked at her blankly at first and then surprised for her quick and brave approach. Clarke ignored his scowl telling her to back off.

"What crimes?" she questioned him turning around to look at Titus for answers, "What happened?"

"Skaikru attacked their village" Titus answered her coldly.

I exchanged a calm look with the scared one she immediately gave me over the flame keeper's shoulder. She knew I was angry with this information. How could I not be? Her people had proven once again that they could not be trusted to keep the peace. And once again my people had bled for it. She'd been wrong. Nobody had respected my mercy.

 _Its not true!_ Her expression screamed.

I looked away. This time I could not believe it.

Titus was carrying on over our stare for one another, "Because their warriors were lost when your people massacred the army we had sent to protect you, their village was defenceless"

I felt myself tense up with his cold words. Aimed directly at Clarke like it was her decision to slaughter my army. I was growing tired of Titus's open hate toward her.

 _"Please, Commander"_ I moved my gaze to Semet's begging eyes looking at me desperately, _"I beg you! Avenge this!"_

I could feel Clarke's fear radiate across the room to me with his plea. If I looked at her I knew I would see her shake her head and beg me not to take revenge. I looked down at Oktevia's bloody face instead turned to the side of the room, and then to the angry looking men and women looking up at me to solve this. One growled out for blood. And then more followed. Until the room echoed with calls for revenge and Skaikru's death.

Titus growled at them to be silent.

I turned on my flame keeper. I couldn't keep from glaring at him. I was angry that he would destroy a day of peace for this. I ordered him to follow as I stood and left the room, motioning that Clarke be brought with me. I heard the two obediently follow my angry charge down to my own room where we could talk in privet. Once I heard them cross the threshold I let my anger out on the flame keeper.

"How dare you bring this to me on Ascension Day?!" I growled furiously at him, turning to watch him answer me. He waited for the doors to close behind him before he gave me his calm answer.

"I did not bring this here. You did!" The anger turned to fury inside me at his fearless answer, "Against my advice, you made Skaikru the thirteenth clan"

He pointed at Clarke who looked down annoyed. I started to pace while his voice grew louder with his anger.

"They rejected this, murdering hundreds of your people! And yet on the very field where they died, you decided to forgive the killers! But this provocation is proof. Blood must not have blood has failed! All that can stop this now is war"

The flame keeper looked back to me when he was finished. He was expecting me to agree with him. Because that was what he had raised me to do. To follow his orders.

I looked beside him to the blonde watching me in secret silent worry. She was thinking hard and fast, I could tell. I needed, wanted, to know what she would do. What I should do. Because I didn't want any decision I would give to cause her hurt.

"Clarke?" I said her name softly, hoping to rouse her from her thoughts.

Titus cut in before she could so much as look at me, "Clarke's opinion in this matter is not exactly unbiased" He reminded me snidely. They shared a brief look and then Clarke nodded.

"Titus is right"

Clarke's agreeing with my flame keeper had me giving her a suspicious look. She looked back at me softly.

"I would do anything to save my people. You know that" I accepted it reluctantly and she strode forward to me, "But I know them. Not everyone agrees with Chancellor Pike. Kane doesn't. Oktevia doesn't"

"Your people did not vote for Kane!" Titus growled back at her.

"Some of them did!" she argued strongly quietly shouting back at him, "We need to give them time to see that they made the wrong choice and fix it!"

"And you believe your people will take him out themselves?" I asked her quietly. She regarded me a moment and I could see her doubt it too. Regardless, Clarke nodded back to me.

"If they don't, if instead they use this time to plan their next attack," Titus shook his head thinking it was ridiculous, "We must act now, Heda!"

I turned away to think it over. Titus didn't stop speaking.

"Make an example of the thirteenth Clan! Show the other twelve what happens when they defy you. You got them back when you killed the Ice Queen, but the coalition is still fragile. If you don't act now-"

Titus silenced himself immediately when I threw my hand up for him to stop. He was saying too much. Making too much sense. I knew given the chance he would make me decide with him.

I stared out at the balcony going through my options. Titus was right. But so was Clarke.

I mulled quickly over my options while I stood there in their paired silence. I could not allow Skaikru to get away with more murder. The clans would soon take matters into their own hands if I failed again to get them justice. It threatened me and worse it threatened our peace. But I couldn't just wipe out Clarke's people.

I swallowed indecisively.

I knew action was needed.

Right now.

I turned to them, and felt both their eyes watching me in hope. I couldn't look at Clarke.

"Call the ambassadors back" I growled to Titus and moved past him to return to the throne room. I heard the lift in his step as he followed me out to see to my orders. And it had me clenching my fists angrily.

Clarke followed me quickly. I could hear her harsh breaths as she struggled to catch up with me.

"Lexa"

I shook my head at her. I didn't want to hear her tell me her people were innocent. I had done that before and gained nothing from it. Clarke sighed and overtook me to stop me. I looked down at her hand on my chest before I looked up at the dark taking over her eyes.

"I know what you're thinking" She husked pushing on my chest when I rolled my eyes and made to move past her. She shoved me back, "Lexa, you know I'm right! You know Kane and the others don't want to kill anybody. It's all Pike. We can stop this. We can stop this without more blood"

"You promised me the same before, Clarke" I replied coldly, quietly as I had before, and swiped her hand down. She looked angrily back at me.

"Do you trust me?" She moved closer and searched my face intently.

I turned back to her fully but didn't give her an answer. Clarke knew without needing me to voice it.

"I can fix this" She promised me desperately.

I looked back at her unemotionally and without expression. I didn't tell her how I thought she wouldn't fix this. That she couldn't. Instead I just moved past her to re-enter my throne room.

* * *

I glanced back at Clarke before I stood forward with my hand raised, effectively silencing the whispering room. I drew a quick breath and forced out the words.

"Today I call upon the armies of the 12 clans to march on Arkadia!"

I saw Oktevia's wide eyes looking up at me. And I could almost hear Clarke's mind working betrayed beside Titus to fix this. The whispering continued in the room. Short approvals and war hunger echoed around me. And yet Clarke's silence rang the loudest with me.

"Not to attack!" I spoke before I could stop myself, "But to contain"

Clarke's idea could work. I knew that because I knew Kane was already working on throwing Pike out of power. And I had seen the look on Skaikru's faces when I had questioned their knowledge on the massacre. They didn't want any of this. They just needed time.

 _Time I can give._

Shocked and outraged glares were thrown my way with my announcement.

"We will blockade the thirteenth Clan" I rushed to explain before I could lose my people's support, "We will keep them from the lands they wish to possess. We will give them time to take out their leaders from within. Once they rise up against them, then we will welcome them back as one of us"

Titus looked at me shaking his head in disappointment. But he turned at my ordering look to command the ambassadors. I looked around at their astounded looks. Most looked angry and ready to defy the order. I ignored it. They would listen. They had no choice.

"Tell your armies to set up a buffer zone around Arkadia" the flame keeper barked, "Five miles should be enough to keep them away from our villages"

He turned slowly to me after.

"What are their orders, Heda?" Titus asked me in a defeated voice. I looked down at him and then back at Clarke.

 _Do it_ , my heart sighed as I looked away.

"Any Skaikru caught across the line will be subject to a kill order" I told them reluctantly.

Oktevia stared at me then moved her eyes to stare accusingly at Clarke to speak up. Clarke didn't. She seemed just as shocked as her friend.

"Heda" I looked away to the Trikru chief holding Oktevia's bonds, "I do not understand" Semet began with pained eyes beseeching for help, "How is this vengeance?"

I looked down on him sympathetically, "It is not vengeance, my brother. It is justice"

"Skaikru killed my sons!" he snarled back at me, "And my brother, and my wife! If the spirit of the Commander will not protect us, then what will?!" He growled out furiously.

"You mind yourself, Semet!" Titus warned him.

Semet looked back at him and started to smile. I glanced to Titus when the chief turned and gave a hopeless chuckle. The ambassadors behind him watched him carefully and then a gasp went up through the crowd of people.

 _"Commander no more!"_ Semet's voice screamed suddenly, and he span around.

I looked around at the heads turning and the surprised faces looking towards the Trikru chief. My eyes landed to the bottom of the dais where Semet was charging with an insane bloodlust in his eyes. I looked to Cain and Titus, both were too far away. I started backing up so I could prepare to tackle Semet myself. But a rough hand shoved me to the side just as Semet dove towards the throne, coming for me. I saw the flash of silver in his hand before the whirl of robes got in the way and the sickening sound of flesh being cut pervaded the air.

The two men froze in front of me. One holding onto the knife jutting out of the other's throat. Semet's defeated eyes found mine as his life left him, filled with betrayal and hate. Titus shoved his body to the ground where his people sank to their knees beside him. The flame keeper turned after, flitting a brief look in Clarke's direction before he stopped close to me.

"Blood must have blood" He uttered calmly, as if the fight had been a lesson or demonstration he was finished explaining.

I looked startled from him and down to Semet's broken form pityingly, then to the others in the room. The ambassadors were taking the flame keeper in scared. Oktevia was staring at the dead chief on the floor beside her. Clarke simply staring at it all, shocked. She looked back at me sensing me watch her, with eyes begging to know if I was okay.

I took a deep breath to stop myself feeling scared. An attempt had been made on my life. By my own people. Just as Titus had tried to warn me. But I had to stay calm. I had known this would happen eventually.

I looked up at my people shouting, at the panic and anger in their eyes. My guards moved to shove them away from me when they started moving forward, demanding justice. Titus turned to take up a protective stance at my side. Cain came to stand close on the other. I closed my eyes over the chaos to breathe. I couldn't stop the scared beating of my heart. For the first time I realised the vulnerability of the commander. It was easy to see how the ones before me had been assassinated. As I could be.

"Lexa?" A small voice reached through the shouting and I slowly opened my eyes. Instantly I was calmed by the blue eyes watching me, worried.

"Jes!" I barked out over the noise in the room and she immediately rushed through the ambassadors to my side.

When she reached me, I nodded to Clarke. Jes gently took Clarke's arm in her grip. Then I motioned for Cain who moved to Clarke's other side. It would look like an arrest. But that was the only way I could protect her. She stared at me not understanding.

I swallowed an apology before I gruffly ordered them, "Take Wanheda to her room. Make sure she stays there"

The two warriors bowed. At the same time I saw Jes whisper Clarke an explanation. Her accusing stare dropped immediately. She nodded at me and let them take her away, stopping only to look down at Oktevia as they crossed paths. She glanced back at me with worry in her eyes. I looked away to my flame keeper watching on silently.

"Titus, clear the room. I need to speak to Oktevia alone"

He nodded and started shouting orders for the guards to empty the room. Ambassadors and the few remnants of village people who had followed Semet marched furiously from the room. Others had to be forced out with Titus' threats. Only Kiki dared to test the flame keeper's patience. The two argued loudly at the door.

I ignored all the noise to walk down the throne steps to where Oktevia was still awkwardly knelt looking around wildly. I watched her glance about the room, and recognised she was looking for the quickest exit for escape. She didn't trust our intentions and really I didn't blame her.

"Indra" I kept my eyes on Oktevia as I called out before the general could secretly skulk from the room. The other girl looked around hearing Indra's name.

The hooded figure at the door paused and turned towards me. I glanced to her. She looked surprised I had noticed her. She didn't know I had known all along she had been present. The look I gave back offered her the chance to stay with her former student. Indra looked down on Oktevia and then turned on her heel. I watched the doors close after her, annoyed and ashamed towards her.

I glanced back to Oktevia and moved to crouch in front of her. Painfully the entire moment reminded me of Clarke's arrival in Polis. Titus walked quickly up behind the sky girl as I reached to pull her gag away.

"Is that wise, heda?" he questioned coming closer when I ignored his concern, "She could-"

"I could, what?" Oktevia growled, spitting the fabric from her mouth when I pulled it away, "Bite her fingers? Yeah, I'm sure thats really gonna kill her"

Titus glared at her outburst.

"You need to explain everything" I told her seriously as Kiki came without permission to help release sky girl. She exchanged a cautious look with me before she reached to cut the bindings on Oktevia's wrists.

"Everything" Titus repeated stopping at the sky girl's back. He crossed his arms and looked down on her sternly.

She simply rolled her eyes unafraid and looked back to me.

"I'll talk to you" she told me as she stood up, "But not this ass"

Kiki coughed and turned away quickly to hide a snigger from the flame keeper. Titus' eyes cast her a quick glare before they found Oktevia again. A vein was beginning to pop on the side of his neck. He looked close to striking the girl.

"You don't get a choic-"

"Titus!" I threw him a short look that ordered him out. He stared at me a moment and then turned to storm out of the room.

Oktevia pointed at the door when he slammed it shut behind him, "How do you put up with that?" She asked me.

"With immense difficulty I'd imagine" Kiki chuckled walking forward to stand at my side. Both women looked to me to confirm it.

I didn't answer. Just looked at Oktevia to explain herself already.

"Okay" she sighed rubbing at her wrists, "Pike's been planning to extend Skaikru's borders. He wants land for farming and other resources. He's been sending teams out to scout the local area, find the most fertile land"

"And he decided land that was not his was the answer?" I shot angrily.

" _Just like a man_ " Kiki muttered. I cast her a quick glance to be quiet.

Oktevia glanced between us before she met my eyes.

"I think taking it was the idea all along. He's made it clear he hates grounders"

Kiki growled. I felt her frustration.

"How long has he had this planned?" Kiki asked locking gazes with the sky girl.

Oktevia looked nervous now. She shifted on the spot and refused to meet my eyes.

"Since the truce" She mumbled to the ground. I saw her flinch, as if expecting me to explode. And though that was exactly what I wanted to do, I pushed my anger aside. Letting my emotions rule me was not helpful right now. I had known Pike had been planning something. I had seen it in his eyes as we called a truce. And I had done nothing.

I nodded instead and began pacing, pausing a second when I saw the dead trikru chief looking up at me sadly, "How did you get mixed up with Semet?" I asked Oktevia, nodding back to him when she looked up.

She looked to Semet's body with sad regretful eyes, "Pike organised a raid on the village. I tried to warn them. I told them to evacuate. But Semet wouldn't listen. They thought I was with Skaikru"

"Understandable" Kiki nodded, "I would have killed you myself"

"Gee, thanks" Oktevia muttered back at her and continued on with her explanation, "I got knocked out. When I came round Semet had set a trap for my people. From what I heard.. a couple... I think they died. I tried to warn them. I tried to warn everybody" She looked down at the ground in shame, "But I couldn't stop it"

I stopped pacing and looked her over. She looked so small and alone but strong too. Clanless. A nomad. But like Clarke, Oktevia seemed to fight for the right things. No matter the cost.

 _Which is what we need._

"Tell me about Kane's plans"

She looked up at me and when she saw I wasn't mad at her for her actions she nodded and began to tell me. When she was finished I thanked her and offered her a room to wash up and rest in. She thanked me gratefully and left with Hadrian to be seen to her room. I fell against my throne when the doors shut behind them and ran a hand down my face. I felt exhausted.

 _"Are you okay?"_ Kiki asked coming up the dais to sit on the floor beside me. I nodded but she didn't believe me, "Your own blood tried to kill you, and you just nod. Its okay to admit it scared you" she told me gently and reached out to give me comfort.

I scowled at her and shrugged her hand from my knee, "I wasn't afraid"

Kiki chuckled to herself but let it go. Instead she asked what I had planned now. I shook my head. I didn't know. But I trusted Clarke's word that her people could resolve this themselves.

"If we can get Oktevia back inside the Ark, get her to talk to Kane, maybe this will be over quicker" I mumbled thoughtfully.

 _Maybe even set her up as an assassin?,_ I thought wondering if Oktevia would have it in her to kill her own. If she would do that for me after everything. It was doubtful. She wasn't a murderer. And even if she could, I doubted she would get close enough to Pike for a kill.

Kiki hummed in agreement.

"But what if they don't accept her back? She did ruin their plan to attack Semet's village"

I sighed and rubbed my fingers into my temples to stave off the headache beginning behind my eyes. I knew the only plan I had after that was to attack Arkadia and destroy Clarke's people for good. But in doing that I would lose clarke. I wanted to scream. I would forever be holding clarke and my people in separate hands with the choice to lose one to hold the other. Kiki patted my knee again.

"We will figure it out" she promised smiling gently before she rose to her feet, "I will ride to Arkadia and oversee the blockade" I nodded grateful for her help, "You should check in on Clarke. She's probably worried about you"

I stared at her. I was confused how she would come to that conclusion when Clarke was clearly mad at me. Kiki just smiled a little wider and strode out of the room. I thought over her comment and then rose off my throne. I was two steps down the dais when my eyes landed over Semet's body. I moved to it and knelt, putting a hand over his chest. I regretted his death. He and his people had been innocents torn down in the skirmish of war. It wasn't fair.

 _Pike will pay,_ I vowed moving my hand over his eyes to close them.

 _"Your fight is over, Semet from Trikru. I am sorry"_

I ordered for his body be taken away and delivered back to his people for burial. Then I began my walk towards Clarke's room, stopping only when an ordering voice barked my name. I stopped and drew a calming breath before I turned to my flame keeper. I should have known he would be skulking in wait for me.

"Titus" I said his name coldly, letting him know I wasn't in the mood for talking right now. He came to my side anyway, walking with me down the corridor.

I held in my irritated snarl at him to leave and instead changed my direction to head to my own room. Clarke would have to wait. All the while his heavy silence ground harder into my patience until I finally snapped and span to face him.

"What is it?!" I all but growled in his face.

He stared calmly back at me before he answered.

"This is madness, Leska" I rolled my eyes but he continued, "The body count rises on our side and still you refuse to retaliate. Why?"

"There are no more sides" I told him slowly hoping that this time it might sink in. I wasn't surprised when he cast me a deep scowl, "What would you have me do, Titus? Send our armies to be slaughtered by Skaikru? You always taught me to see the bigger picture, to pick the better outcome in any decision. Your decision leads to more of our people dying and mine-"

"Could lead to you dying" He cuts in seriously stepping closer, " _That is the bigger picture in this scenario, Leska"_ He looked down at me, begging me to listen, "If you want to remain heda, if you want to stay alive, you will listen to me. Please! Your people are angry. They do not agree with blood must not have blood. And now that it has failed they will look to others to lead them if you cannot"

I swallowed the fear that he might be right. I was angry he would imply I could not control this. And that he would continue to advise I change my mind, and use his decisions instead of my own because he believed them better. But I understood his concern.

I didn't answer his waiting stare. Just nodded for him to leave. Titus bowed and slipped away. I watched him slowly go with questions filling my mind. Was he right?

Only one person could tell me.

* * *

 _"A blockade?" Becca looked at me thoughtfully, "It has a chance of working. But not a very big one"_

 _I felt my heart drop. I'd hoped she would tell me it was the right thing to do. That it would definitely work. Instead she seemed to be agreeing with Titus._

 _"What is it?" she asked listening to my thoughts crash loudly between us._

 _I looked up at her warily._

 _"What if it doesn't work?" I asked her timidly, "What if after all this effort, blood must have blood is the only way?"_

 _Becca looked down at me pityingly and I had to look away. I heard her walk towards me and then felt her take a seat beside me in the grass. I glanced up at her looking nostalgically around the night glade. I looked around too and my chest throbbed suddenly when I started thinking of the war that might be coming._

 _"People want what they know will help them survive" Becca says quietly beside me. I look back to her still looking around, "Archaic as it seems, killing in revenge is one of our basic instincts. Its chemical"_

 _"That doesn't make it right" I argued watching her carefully. A smile hitched in the corner of her mouth._

 _"No" she said looking back at me, "It doesn't. So what will you do? Follow tradition and bathe in blood, theirs and yours? Or will you break the cycle?"_

 _I looked away thinking it over. I didn't want to cause more bloodshed. I wanted to end it for good. But ending it would mean more deaths either way. I could not avoid that. I closed my eyes thinking of Clarke and what she would say to me. She would want me to do what was right, truly right. But right for our people, or right for us?_

 _I wanted to scream out when that same tidal wave of uncertainty clouded my thoughts again. I wanted to keep her safe, to put her above my people this time. But I couldn't. Not without starting a war. How could I save Clarke and keep this peace?_

 _A hand touched my face and made me open my eyes. Becca looked at me sadly when my mind spoke my heart's fears._

 _How do I keep her safe?_

 _"Sometimes..." she breathed out sadly, "Sometimes we cannot save the ones we love"_

 _I fought off my hopelessness when I understood her telling me to choose my people. She's right of course. I was Heda. My people were my one duty. My one responsibility. My heart dropped feeling me choose my head once again._

 _Gentle footsteps echoed towards us and we both looked up hearing them. I couldn't see anybody else in the glade. Becca turned to give me a smile._

 _"But we can try" she told me firmly._

 _I frowned not understanding but before I could question her another voice was speaking over me._

"Someone tried to kill you today. How are you this calm?"

I was brought sharply out of the vision and back to the reality of my room. I could feel the hard wood of my bed behind me, and the light wind coming in from the window across the room tickling my cheek. I could smell the candles burning in the corner and closer the smell of Clarke standing over me.

She was staring down at me, I could tell. Wondering maybe that I was insane to be sat meditating unguarded in my room while my people were out for my blood. I let myself smile.

"You're angry about the kill order" I stated still not opening my eyes because I didn't want to see her worry through her obvious anger at me.

Clarke answered immediately, "Yes"

I sighed as I opened my eyes and looked up at her stood over me.

"How else would you have me enforce a blockade?"

Her eyes searched mine intently for a moment. It was clear she had many ideas on how to enforce the blockade without bloodshed. But even she could not argue that this was the best way. So she didn't. Instead she looked at me in defeat as I stood up.

"So when do we have to leave?" She husked lifting her chin stubbornly. I stared at her.

 _Leave?_

Then it hit me.

Of course she was leaving. She believed she was to be trapped with her people. And she wasn't fighting against it because she had to set an example for her people to follow. She had to go back to save them from themselves. Because thats what Clarke did. She always took the burden for their mistakes.

 _She doesn't have to.._

"We may be drawing a line" I began looking down at her seriously. My heart fluttered nervously and I felt my expression change to match it, "But who's to say you can't choose to stay on this side of it?"

Clarke stared back at me, blue eyes locking mine hopefully. I stared back, just as hopeful, willing her to stay with me. Telling her I didn't want her to leave.

An all too irritatingly familiar voice called my name through the door behind her and Clarke flitted a side glance away from me. She sighed and I saw an angry blur turning her eyes a darker shade of blue.

"I know someone who might"

I smiled at her and she smiled back as the door opened behind her. We turned to Titus striding in. He looked unsurprised to find Clarke at my side. In fact he even looked irritated, as much as we felt towards him. He bowed his head to me and then addressed her.

"Wanheda, blockade goes into effect at dawn. I've made arrangements for you to take one of our fastest horses"

 _Of course you have_ , I grumbled internally, irritated with my flame keeper for having made these arrangements without my permission.

Clarke nodded to him politely, "Thank you"

"Actually, I've asked Clarke to stay in Polis as my guest" I told him quickly, flashing her a smile when she glanced back at me in surprise.

Titus eyed me silently and then looked to the sky girl.

"Clarke, will you excuse us?" he asked her calmly. She glanced between us and quickly took her leave.

Titus waited for her to close the door behind herself before he turned to me with a grave expression.

"On this sacred day, I beg you to remember my teachings. Love is weakness. To be commander is to be alone"

I moved past him bored, "I will not hear this again"

"Yes, you will!" His growl had me turning back angry. He spoke quickly before I had the chance, "Your feelings for Clarke put both of you in danger. Your kill order must be fully enforced. If you care for Clarke, you will send her home. It is the only way that she will be safe"

I looked down, hating him for possibly being right. And then Titus spoke up again.

"Don't make her pay the price for your mistakes as Costia did" He told me quietly. I looked up at him. Rage building inside me.

How dare he?!

"My mistakes?" I snarled slowly letting the anger overtake me. Titus swallowed and took a step back seeing me look at him so thunderously furious at him, "Azgeda cut off Costia's head and delivered it to my feet, and still I let them into my alliance" My voice rose until I was shouting at him, "I am more than capable of separating feelings from duty!" I snarled at him.

"I'm sorry, Lexa" he spoke softly, watching me even softer, trying to calm me, "I didn't mean to offend you"

"Yes, you did" I watched him look submissively away, "But you also mean well, and I know that, Teacher"

He nodded and shifted awkwardly on the spot, avoiding my eyes as he asked to make arrangements for Clarke to leave. Like he had heard nothing of what I had said to him. It made the anger build up again inside me but I forced it away. Shouting at Titus would not make him listen.

"That's up to Clarke" I told him quietly, voice too hoarse from shouting to be much louder, "I know where you stand, Titus" I warned him.

He made to speak and then thought better of it. Instead he bowed to me and left the room.

I breathed heavily once he was gone and looked down to the sudden stinging in my palm. I slowly unclenched it, gasping at the slight pain as my nails left their mark inside my hand. I huffed angrily to myself and moved away to the bathroom to clean the small puncture marks. As I did I thought over my loss of control at Titus. I thought over what I had revealed in losing my temper. I worried what he would do with such knowledge. As I worried what Clarke would choose now she held the decision to stay or go. I hoped she stayed. I knew by the way she smiled with me that she wanted to.

And I was going to prove it to myself.

I turned and rushed out of my room. My guards were stood down the corridor, watching out for any assassins that might try to creep past to my room. I walked past them and brushed aside their concerned request to follow me. I didn't need guards. Or Titus. I wanted to speak with Clarke alone for once. What I had to say was for her to hear alone.

My heart was pounding in my ears, like a war drum encouraging me on. It was cheering me, telling me this was the right thing. I had to take deep breaths when I reached Clarke's room, calming myself before I reached out to let myself in.

I stopped short when it wasn't Clarke there to greet me, but Oktevia. She glanced up from the bag she was packing to give me a curious look, wondering probably why I had walked uninvited into Clarke's private room. I swallowed nervously and stood back a little unsure with myself. All the confidence I had built up on the short journey here was fading under Oktevia's razor stare.

"I was looking for Clarke" I explained looking around the room for the blonde. Oktevia looked confused.

"She left to talk to you.."

 _Left?,_ I glanced behind me and then nodded to the sky girl watching me.

"Thank you" I turned to go.

"Do you care about her?" Oktevia asked quickly behind me, making me stop and peer curiously back at her. She was watching me closely, "I mean, really care. You're not faking it just to get her on side so you look good"

I turned to face her. "Yes, I care"

"Then you'll order her to come home with me" she ordered crossly, ignoring the way I stared at her in surprise, "Clarke doesn't belong here. Staying in Polis is going to get her killed. If you care at all for her, let her go"

Titus' words filled my head as I stared dumbly at Oktevia. He'd said the same thing. Were they right? Would Clarke be safer away from me?

"Its not that simple" I mumbled unable to meet Oktevia's eyes.

"Because you love her?" I froze up with my shock. How had she known? Oktevia looked over me carefully, "Its pretty obvious, Lexa. And I don't blame you. She's strong and brave and a fucking stubborn piece of hell when she wants to be. But this can't happen"

I looked away when the angry frustrated tears tried to claw their way to the surface. Here I was with yet another person telling me I could not listen to my heart. Another telling me what I wanted was not allowed. I glared up at Oktevia. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. I wanted to deny my feelings for Clarke so she would take back her opinion. But I couldn't. The second my stinging eyes met her soft pitying brown ones I could do nothing but feel hopeless. She brought a hand up to my shoulder, flinching when my eyes looked down at it. She squeezed it with a pitying smile.

"Not yet" She whispered, trying to give me reassurance. It didn't work. All I could think about was how those two words were beginning to curse my life.

 _Not yet..._

 _Not ever._

"Please," Oktevia whispered squeezing my shoulder again, "Do the right thing. For your people and mine. Let Clarke go home"

I took a couple steps back so her hand fell away from me. I locked her eyes begging me to listen. To answer her, tell her I would make Clarke leave with her like she needed. But I didn't. I left Oktevia with nothing as I made my way back to my room.

I kept my eyes to the ground as I walked, thinking over what had just happened, all that Oktevia had said. For the whole day I had thought about myself and what I wanted. I had forgotten to worry about Clarke and her safety. Because I was stubborn enough to believe I could keep her safe if she was at my side. But could I? When I couldn't even protect myself from a disabled village chief, how could I protect her?

I entered my room and softly called Clarke's name, hoping she had come here as Oktevia had said and was waiting for me. She hadn't. My room was as cold and empty as I felt. I made my way back to the bathroom and splashed my face. I still felt flushed from the embarrassing moment Oktevia had spoke my secret aloud. I still felt angry over it. And angrier still for her using it against me in order to get me to agree to send Clarke home.

 _Love her.. I.. I love her.._

I felt so weak admitting it. I was scared to say it aloud. Not when she might be leaving.

 _Arkadia isn't safe!,_ My heart argued knowing I was deciding what to do.

 _Neither am I,_ I numbly told it back. And it was true. Clarke was a target to those who hated me and hated Skaikru. At least with her own she had a chance. With me she didn't.

 _Not yet.._

 _It's not your decision,_ My heart reminded me, pounding viciously into me when I refused to listen to it.

I looked up to the mirror standing in front of me and stared at the wild way my eyes looked desperate thinking about Clarke's decision. I couldn't remember walking back into my bathroom. My heart thumped painfully. It didn't want Clarke to go. I didn't want her to go.

 _She's going to stay,_ I told myself to keep my chest steady, _Clarke's going to stay._

 _Is she?_ My heart echoed weakly back.

I wanted to continue lying to myself. I wanted to believe I could be right.

I closed my eyes, reaching through the dark of my own tormented mind to search for Becca. I growled out in frustration when I was met with silence. She had left me too.

I opened my eyes and glared at the miserable girl looking back at me in the mirror. I forced myself to pull myself together. I was heda.

 _Feeling is weakness,_ I reminded myself and locked my emotions away.

I wiped the angry tears from my eyes and pulled my braids free when I noticed them askew. I was pulling my fingers through my hair to clear it of any knots when I heard my door open. I braced myself for another argument with Titus and pulled my hair over my shoulder to go face him.

I stopped short seeing Clarke stood beside my bed with pain in her eyes and an apology on her face. My heart dropped instantly.

 _She chose._

"When do you leave?" I asked her sadly.


	27. Chapter 27

**Follow me on Tumblr (no idea what im doing there so come laugh at me) : crazyrachfics**

 **So we've established by now that I suck at updating... But I'm still here! Every review or msg gets to me straight away, and I read and smile at each one! So while I may not be updating all the time, I am constantly writing away. So don't fear! The story does go on!**

 **When you go through the heartache of having to watch ' _Thirteen'_ again, multiple times... I need some ice cream and a hug! God I hope this lives up to all your expectations *crosses everything for luck* **

_**Chapter countdown to divergence = 1!**_

 _ **Throwback to you guys;**_

 _ **SkyWanheda; We all hate Titus. Its been a year and I still dream of fun ways to kill him over and over again.**_

 _ **SummerStormWar; Sometimes we can't save the ones we love. But we can try.**_

 _ **FurionKnight; Good to hear! :D**_

 _ **Hexe; Lol I'll try my best!**_

 _ **Sailor Sayuri; I'm a sucker for big puppy eyes :P Glad you still love the story!**_

 _ **Leapyearbaby29; So many questions... So little time...**_

 _ **LynTalvas; Big up to w/e binging! Haha we all wanna smack Lexa into action.**_

 _ **Blckfenix; I was writing this update when I got your review. I'm happy to report it helped me finish it. So thanks!**_

 **Turn up the volume around 2:17 : Stole You Away by Benjamin Francis Leftwich.**

* * *

 _ **My fight is over...**_

* * *

 **Clarke.**

Semet's body slammed suddenly into the ground at his people's feet. The shock of it stunned the room. Nobody knew how to react.

Titus stood back to speak to Lexa, his words were lost on me. Somebody had started shouting. And then others followed their example.

I couldn't pay much attention to any of it. I was staring at the dead man on the floor. Another dead body. Despite what we'd done to prevent such a thing from happening. I stared at Semet's still eyes looking up at the ceiling. I was trying to work out how it'd come to this. And how the hell it could be fixed.

Thing was, I wasn't sure it could be.

"Do you still believe you know whats best, Clarke?"

I looked up and into the deep black off Titus' furious eyes as he took another step away from the throne and toward me. He looked down on me with a smug gleam in his otherwise stern expression. An _'I told you so'_ would have struck me softer.

I didn't know what to say to him or how to defend myself. How could I? I'd been wrong.

 _So wrong.._

When I didn't answer him, Titus glanced back in Lexa's direction. His expression held still with an unnatural frozen calm. But I saw the concern for his commander in his eyes. I saw his worry.

"Or are we no longer at an impasse?" he asked me in a low voice.

I looked too towards the throne and saw Lexa staring down at her people. In shock. Fear even. The volume of shouts in the room was increasing. Her people had began moving forward, pointing at her with furious expressions. Lexa's guards began shoving them back. Titus left me to bark at them all to move away. And Lexa...

Lexa was watching it all, shell shocked, flinching a little with every furious yell directed her way.

Immediately I slipped my way around Titus' back. I ignored his outright look of disapproval and made my way over to Lexa. I didn't give a damn what it would look like. I had to make sure she was okay.

Lexa didn't notice me. She'd closed her eyes and was breathing deeply to herself. I felt my heart aching when it looked like Lexa was trying to calm herself down. To stop herself freaking out. I wanted to take her hand, or wrap an arm around her. To take her someplace safe and quiet where she couldn't feel the hurt in her people's voices screaming at her to wage war. Someplace she wouldn't be torn.

But I couldn't.

"Lexa?" I softly said her name, hoping to bring her out of her own head.

Lexa opened her eyes. When she looked back at me she looked calm. But then her eyes flitted around us as if seeing everything again for the first time. It hurt watching her take in the state of her people, of knowing she felt she'd betrayed them.

 _This wasn't your betrayal_ , I think to her as I unthinkingly reach out for her hand.

Lexa moved before I have the chance to take it. She looked back to me with a sudden regret in her eyes as she called her guards over. They took hold of my arms and lead me quickly from Lexa's side, and I went furiously until Jes whispered to me that it was all a rouse. So that Lexa's people wouldn't think she was showing me any special treatment after what had just happened.

"Come on, Clarke" Jes whispered pulling with Cain when I paused by my friend.

Octavia looked up at me, begging me to do something. But I couldn't do anything right now. I needed to talk to Lexa alone first.

 _You'll be okay,_ I silently tell her.

I knew Lexa wouldn't harm her. Octavia looked back at me like I'd gone crazy.

"Titus, clear the room. I need to talk to Octavia alone" I heard Lexa order behind us as we reached the door.

I glanced back again in time to see Titus barking at his people to leave. Most of them wore thunderous expressions as they left the room after us. They didn't agree with anything Lexa had said. I worried what they might try to do now that they had Lexa's orders.

Obey..

Or fight.

"Whats going to happen to Octavia?" I asked my guards as they took me from the shouting people filling the corridors outside the throne room and walked me down the stairs to my own quarters. I saw them exchange a look. It didn't look promising.

Jes reached out and touched my arm, "She will be interrogated. If she truthfully tells Heda everything she wishes to know, then no harm will come to her"

"Heda respects those who obey" Cain agreed.

"And those who don't?" I asked, mind flying back to that moment at the mountain when Lincoln had refused to leave with his people as Lexa had ordered. I winced thinking that could happen to Octavia. She was too proud and headstrong to follow Lexa's orders. I didn't want her getting hurt for the sake of her pride.

Neither of them answered me. Jes just let go of my arm and avoided my eye. It did nothing to stop the sick way my gut was twisting in fear for my friend.

Jes reached out when we made it to my room to open the door and let me walk inside. I stopped a couple steps in. Monroe was sat on the bed waiting for us. Her sword was laying across her lap ready.

I looked back at Jes, confused. She nodded at her second.

"Many see her as Skaikru still. She will be safest with you. And you, safest with her"

I thought I heard the tips of shy concern enter her voice as she explained herself. She looked worried. Her eyes kept flitting between the two of us. I wanted to reassure her. Tell her that Lexa wouldn't let us be harmed in anyway.

 _But she had promised the same about herself too_ , I remembered, revisiting Semet's attack in my head.

I started worrying again about Lexa's mind right now. She was scared, I knew that much. And I knew what she did when she was scared. I'd barely been able to save my people the last time she'd been angry and backed into a corner. How would I stop it now when I wasn't with her to talk her out of any crazy ideas Titus was giving her?

"Cain and I will be guarding the door" Jes told us stepping forward on my thoughts. When we both nodded she turned to her second, " _You will be guarding Clarke"_

Monroe bowed her head, _"Yes, teacher"_

Jes' eyes warmed a little at Monroe's respect. She looked back to me again before she turned to leave the room.

The door closed quietly and behind me Monroe let out a long exhausted breath.

I knew how she felt.

We both remained quiet for a while, listening to the two grounders guarding the door and the others throughout the tower still yelling angrily over their Commander's decision. I started pacing between the door and the window when it started to make me feel anxious.

"You ever get the feeling we're just forever walking the road to be floated?" Monroe asked me after a while in a quiet voice.

I turned to her. She was staring down at her sword, with fingers gliding down it sadly. Like it was her final moments with it until it was taken away from her.

"Seems every quiet moment we get is just another short stop along the way" she mumbled.

I didn't know what to tell her to make it better. I understood what she was saying. What she was thinking. I hated how unfair it all seemed on her. She didn't deserve any of this.

Monroe continued to stare at her sword a moment and pressed her finger in a little too far into its edge. The small cut on her thumb bled a little but she didn't notice.

"We're going back..." She looked up at me to answer her, "Aren't we?"

I stayed silent. Her question, so loaded with defeat and misery, was something I didn't want to think about. But I had to. Lexa had set a blockade. Any Skaikru across the line would be killed. We were Skaikru. Whether we liked it or not. We had to return to the Ark.

"We need to see Octavia" I told her instead, "Find out what the hell is going on"

Monroe nodded in agreement, "How? She's being interrogated by Heda. I don't know about you, but I am not going up against that batshit flame keeper guard dog of hers"

"Me either" I mumbled and racked my mind for a way to see Octavia without causing more problems.

I started pacing again and Monroe watched me silently.

"You know..." I stopped and looked down at her, "Technically... You are still Skaikru'a ambassador.."

I frowned at her not following and gave her a blank look to get to the point.

"So?"

Monroe rolled her eyes at me as if it was obvious.

"So you're still a figure of power. Look at Roan. He was still allowed visitors when he was Lexa's prisoner"

"Roan was a prince" I pointed out beginning my pacing and thinking again.

"And? You're Wanheda!" she argued back smirking when I looked down at her, "Kinda trumps royalty in this society"

I thought about it but really I didn't have a choice. Besides, the grounders either respected me or feared me anyway. There was no point fighting it when I needed to use it to my advantage this time.

I slowly started to smile too.

"C'mon" I told her moving forward to haul her onto her feet, "You're my guard"

Monroe grinned and sheathed her sword, "For the first time ever it's actually my pleasure, Clarke"

I shared a quick grin with her and walked to the door.

I called Jes in and lied to her with a request for some pain relief. She saw me holding my arm and wince, and immediately nodded and left. After that Cain was easy to persuade with a message for Lexa. I knew he'd be stuck outside the throne room for a while waiting to get in to talk to her. I was betting on Titus refusing anyone to be near Lexa right now.

"Ready?" Monroe asked me after we crept out of the room together.

I nodded. I looked down to her sword and she took the hint to have a hand ready on it. Just in case.

We walked easily without trouble. Lexa's guards seemed to have abandoned the lower levels of the tower. Probably to guard their commander instead. It sent a scared tremble down my back thinking it. It made me remember how small she'd looked against her people's anger. When she'd always reassured me she could handle herself, that contrast was frightening to me. It made me worry for her. A lot.

"Clarke?"

Monroe had been shaking my wrist, trying to get my attention.

I blinked and looked to her looking at me worried.

"Okay?" She asked. I nodded, "Will you be alright here a sec while I go find out where Octavia is?"

I nodded again and turned to stand at the window beside us. I heard Monroe hesitate a moment behind me before she took of quickly down the hall. I allowed myself to breathe deeply the second I was alone. I was pretty scared. For myself and my people.

 _And Lexa,_ my heart throbbed hurtfully not enjoying the way I was thinking about that moment in the throne room. I felt so guilty about it. None of this would have happened if I'd just let Lexa punish my people for the massacre before.

 _But you couldn't,_ my heart whispered around its pain, _They're you're people._

Bitterly I accepted it.

 _Maybe I wish they weren't_ , I thought to myself as my eyes drifted thoughtfully to the world outside. In the distance I saw storm clouds approaching the city. I couldn't help but take it as a bad sign.

"Griffin!" A voice whispered making me jump.

I span around and rushed to Monroe's side when she waved me over. She turned straight away and began leading me off to another corridor. I couldn't stop my blurted question of what was going on upstairs. Her grim expression said it was nothing good.

She lead me through several corridors and doors before she finally stopped.

"She's in there" she mumbled nodding to a door ahead of us.

I blinked in surprise. I'd half expected Octavia to have been locked up in the cells downstairs. A flutter of warm gratitude for the commander filled me knowing Lexa had treated Octavia as a guest instead of an enemy. I knew it'd been because of me.

Monroe leant back against the wall beside the door. Her right hand played with her sword belt while she turned to face the corridor.

I quickly approached the door to slip into the room but was stopped when she said my name.

Monroe smiled a little and said, "Tell her I said hi"

I gave a short nod and opened the door.

I was greeted immediately by the sight of Octavia pacing up and down. I stared at the bruises and blood on her face. It worried me how she was still bleeding. But I was glad that none of it seemed very recently received.

Octavia stopped her anxious moving about seeing me walk into the room. Her bruised eyes ran up and down me coldly before she folded her arms.

"No wonder you wanted to stay" she huffed irritably at me. I wanted to roll my eyes.

"Stop" I told her in warning. I wasn't in the mood for her anger right now, "You know why I'm here"

She considered me a moment, probably questioning it herself. I'd always told my people I was here to represent them. But looking at Octavia it was clear she knew the other reason I'd chosen to come back to Polis.

I averted my gaze, too embarrassed to look her in the eye anymore.

"Are you okay?" She asked a little softer.

I let out a short breath.

 _No._

"Yeah, fine"

Octavia accepted it well enough.

"I saw Indra in the crowd. Why wasn't she with Lexa?"

I shook my head at her. I knew she cared about Indra but we had bigger problems to handle.

"Indra's not doing so well, Octavia" I said in a serious voice so she would know not to get into it, "We can't deal with that right now"

I gave her an apologetic look. I knew it sucked for her not being given any answers. I felt bad. But our situation gave us limited time to worry about everything. We had to focus on us and this new threat on our lives.

Octavia looked back at me annoyed but let it go "Okay, so what do we do?"

"I have to talk to Lexa"

"You just did that and came out with a kill order on all of us!" she growled back at me, "That's the second time that she left us all to die"

"The twelve clans want a war!" I snapped back at her, "You know that. Lexa's just trying not to wipe us out"

Octavia softly scoffed and shook her head at me, "Why am I not surprised that you're still defending her?"

Her brown eyes locked mine and she looked at me as if daring me to come out with it already. The real reason I stuck up for Lexa.

I took a step back and made my expression blank.

"Whats really going on at home?" I asked folding my arms crossly.

Octavia studied my expression with another soft scoff.

"You're even starting to look like her" I heard her mutter. She saw my impatient look back and rolled her eyes, "Pike's trying to expand our territory. But instead of asking, he's taking. And he's killing everything in his way"

I started shaking my head, "But he promised-"

"A little blood promise means nothing to him, Clarke" Octavia held my eyes carefully then, "What does it mean to you?"

 _Are you going to stand by your word that day?_ Her dark eyes asked me.

I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. I'd promised to let Lexa do what she wanted if Pike broke our peace again. I'd sworn it with blood, in front of Lexa's people. They wouldn't let me take it back.

Octavia moved forward seeing me hesitate an answer, "Clarke, they're your people!"

"And look what they've done, Octavia!" I burst impatiently, "What they continue to do! For the longest time they've preached about grounders being savages. But you know what? They're not. We are!"

I turned away from her to breathe through my anger. I could hear her breathing calmly behind me, waiting for me to calm down so she could continue. I shook my head to myself. I hated being in the middle.

 _My people. My responsibility,_ I thought bitterly to myself.

 _My burden..._

I turned to Octavia and asked her seriously, "Do you believe a blockade would work?"

Octavia was silent opposite me. Her eyes watched me carefully.

"No" her answer was blunt, "So long as Skaikru have guns... A blockade is more likely going to help Pike's cause"

I nodded. Though I wanted to believe otherwise I knew she was right.

"How much ammo does Arkadia have?" I asked next.

Octavia shrugged and I threw my hands up annoyed.

"I haven't exactly been allowed on the private tours, Clarke!" She snapped at me.

"I know. Sorry"

I started pacing irritably, trying to wrack my brain for something that could work.

Octavia watched me.

"I guess when they start starving they might turn on Pike. That's Lexa's plan, right?"

"Mine, actually" I mumbled.

Octavia didn't look surprised, "Does grounder princess make any of her own decisions anymore?"

I cast her a strong look to shut up.

"Look, this will go either two ways;" the younger girl told me seriously, "Either the people join Pike and kill the grounders on the blockade, then its war. Or, they starve and blame the grounders and then join Pike. There's no way this ends where our people don't see the grounders as the bad guys"

 _She's right._

"Kane-"

"Kane has zero influence lately, Clarke" Octavia told me bluntly, "He might be able to persuade a few people but when it comes down to it... What would you do if it was you? If you didn't know the whole picture and suddenly you were being starved by someone who'd promised to be your friend?"

I sighed defeated, "I'd fight back"

Octavia crossed her arms and nodded at me, "Exactly. The majority voted for Pike. The majority are gonna fight. Lexa has to know that"

"She thinks Kane can make them change their mind" I mumbled, "Because thats what I told her"

I realised suddenly how much more mess I'd created in telling Lexa my people would break given the time. If they didn't, if they instead fought back, even more lives would be lost and Lexa would blame me.

"He won't" Octavia's mouth shortened into a grim thin line. She looked at me with hard eyes, "So you have to change her mind"

I stood back knowing she was right. I gave her a curt nod.

"I'll see what I can do" I told her and turned to leave, "Stay here"

"There's not much else I can do locked in this tower!" she called after me as the door closed. I heard the crash of something hitting the floor after and could easily imagine she'd just kicked a chair over.

Monroe was looking bemused at the door.

"It went well then?"

I ignored her and started walking off into the direction of the throne room. Monroe hurried after me. Together we walked the cold corridors of the tower, avoiding the shouting people still calling out for justice in the levels above us.

I whispered with Monroe as we walked, telling her that my plan was to speak to Lexa and try to come out of this with at least a head start home for us. She didn't look thrilled.

"You think you can talk Lexa out of it?" she asked looking to me hopefully.

"I'll try. But I can't...promise... Is that Titus?"

I nodded to the end of the corridor where three figures were lurking in the dark talking. I recognised Titus' tall frame and tattooed head. But I didn't recognise the two men he was speaking to. I was immediately suspicious.

I took a step closer so I could hear them better.

Monroe yanked me back. She held my arm tight and gave me a serious look.

"Whatever he's up to, trust me, Clarke, you don't want to cross him. He makes Jaha look like a saint"

I pulled her hand off me, "I'm not afraid of him"

I started to walk forward again but was stopped by a warrior walking out in front of me. I looked up the slim leather clad body moving to lean against the wall to block my path and saw Kiki smiling back at me. She glanced to Monroe a moment.

"Go" she ordered with a dangerous shift forward when Monroe hesitated.

At my nod Monroe left us. Hopefully to return to my room where she'd be safe.

"Wanheda" Kiki greeted with a bowing tilt of her head when we were alone, "Correct me if I'm wrong but I was certain that Heda had put you under arrest"

I gave her an annoyed look and glanced around her shoulder so I could watch Titus.

"You know that wasn't real" I mumbled frowning hard at the two guards nodding at the flame keeper. What was he up to?

I felt Kiki lean down to whisper in my ear, "I know that. But the rest of the city does not"

She leant away seeing my attention was elsewhere. I felt her watching me closely while I watched Titus wrap up his talk with Lexa's guards. They began walking towards us and I instinctively tensed myself for a fight. Kiki touched my wrist while they walked around us.

"Is everything alright, Clarke?" She asked me stepping closer when I didn't reply.

The clan chief turned to see what had me so distracted, just in time to see Titus glance up and give me a cold stare. I returned it as he walked slowly away. I breathed deeply to stop the paranoid thoughts. Titus was up to something. I just knew he was.

When I looked away from the now empty corridor and back to Kiki's stern eyes staring after Titus' leave I could tell it was a feeling she shared too.

Kiki turned back around and smiled catching my eye. She leant back against the wall with cool eyes watching me.

"How do you feel after that attack on Heda?" She asked.

I couldn't stop the shudder run through me being reminded about that. But I forced myself to look indifferent.

"I'm fine" I calmly told her.

Kiki's smile widened like she didn't believe me.

"Did you want something?" I asked her quickly feeling my patience running low, "I was in the middle of something important"

Kiki's eyes gleamed and her lips lifted higher at my little snap. She nodded to me and straightened up.

"I came to say goodbye"

I blinked at her. Goodbye?.

Kiki smiled at my surprise, "I'm to oversee the Skaikru blockade"

My heart squeezed but I also felt relief. At least Kiki seemed reasonable. I'd been scared Lexa would send another of her generals who would be ruthless and bloodthirsty. Like Tristan had been. Kiki being in charge gave me some hope.

"Lexa must trust you a lot" I mumbled back to her.

She nodded.

"Not nearly much as she trusts you" Kiki grinned at my quick look back at her, like she'd found a secret in my reaction, "I wonder if you will give me an answer if I were to ask where the two of you snuck off to earlier... Where you've been sneaking to these last couple of weeks each morning...?"

I stared at her in shock. How could she know about that? Lexa had always assured me nobody but us knew she'd been training me. I suddenly felt nervous around Kiki. She seemed a whole lot more smarter than I'd originally given her credit for.

"She's training me" I decided to tell her the truth. Before she thought the wrong idea in my deceit. I didn't know why but something about her made me believe it was better to have her on my side than against it.

Kiki's brow raised and her jaw slackened in utter surprise.

I shifted uncomfortably on the spot, "What?"

"To train with Heda is the highest honour" she told me seriously, "To train with Lexa.. in my opinion.. is even higher. She must think very highly of you"

I shifted embarrassed. She just stared at me some more. I didn't know what to say so I simply stayed quiet. Kiki recovered enough to smirk at me again and I just knew I wasn't going to like what she said next.

"Where did you go after training this morning?"

I narrowed my eyes at her, "Were you following us all day?"

Kiki chuckled, "No. I was in the stables and saw you walk to the tower together and then turn back on yourselves. Where did she take you?"

"The temple. I asked her about Ascension day. She took me there to show me"

Kiki really stared at me now. She looked at me like she couldn't believe I was real. I looked away shyly. I didn't like being looked at like that.

"Lexa took you to the temple?"

I nodded.

"Inside?"

I nodded again.

"With her?"

I sighed tired through another nod.

"You must share what happened!" Kiki gasped excitedly, gripping my wrist like a gossiping teen wanting the juicy story.

I gently pulled my arm free.

"Nothing happened" I said, feeling my face heat up despite it being the truth, "Lexa showed me the mural on the wall and told me the history behind Ascension day. Thats all"

Kiki bit her lip, "Did she speak of hers?"

"Not in any detail. Just told me she doesn't celebrate it"

The warrior's eyes narrowed at me, "How did she seem speaking of it?"

I thought back to this morning, to the moment Lexa had shared a part of her past with me. She'd looked different speaking of the kids she'd killed to become commander. Smaller somehow. Vulnerable.

"Sad" I muttered feeling my heart drop as if it shared Lexa's painful memories.

Kiki was silent for a long time before she stood back and looked me over. A proud gleam was coming to life in her eyes.

"She must hold you special in her heart to have taken you there of all places"

I glanced up at her with a skipping heartbeat, "Why?"

"That temple is haunted to Lexa. Too many ghosts from her past dwell there"

"Costia" I guessed immediately.

"I am not surprised you have heard of her" Kiki sighed sadly, making me think she'd known Lexa's dead girlfriend too, "She and Lexa used to meet there in the times before Lexa's conclave. And briefly a few times after she became Heda. Ever since..." Kiki looked down shaking her head, "Lexa does not step a foot near that place unless she must. She must care for you"

I looked away from her piercing stare to gaze down at my boots. I didn't know if what she said was true.

"I hope you return her level of care.." she spoke slowly, eyes glinting a different message when I glanced up again.

I swallowed knowing what she was really asking. I nodded to her.

"I-... She's my friend. A good friend. Despite our rocky past"

My heart thumped wanting me to say more. I refused it.

Kiki nodded slowly with an empathetic smile, "I've heard of the troubles you've found together. It's been difficult, I can tell. But the strongest bonds are made with hardships"

 _Lexa's spoken to her about me.._

I found my heart doing flips inside my chest picturing Lexa confiding in someone about us. Did that mean she saw an us?

I realised I hadn't responded to Kiki yet. I looked back at her and found her grinning at my thoughtfulness.

"We must have the strongest bond there is" I joked smiling slightly to myself.

Kiki chuckled softly.

"I believe you might"

The other girl smiled a second longer and then looked cautiously around us all of a sudden before she stepped closer with a serious expression. I watched her, feeling immediately wary, and let her lean close to whisper in my ear.

"Don't trust the flame keeper" I froze up with her cold warning, "You must watch your back, Wanheda"

I leaned away frowning for her to explain but she didn't answer my silence. Just smiled at me.

"Lexa is in her room" she told me, beaming, "I believe she was on her way to you before Titus intercepted her. You should speak to her before you leave the city"

I nodded over the dizzyingly thoughts surrounding her warning and turned to go.

"Oh, and Clarke?" I stopped and turned back. Kiki was smiling calmly again, "Remind Lexa of the Moon festival for me. I'm certain she's conveniently forgotten about it"

 _The what now?_

"Sure. I guess I'll see you soon"

Kiki gave a curt nod, "Come to me before dawn, Clarke. Otherwise I cannot help you"

I swallowed my scared heartbeat and reached out. Kiki grinned at my hand reaching out to clasp her arm. She swung hers to hold mine but instead of squeezing it she pulled me in close and hugged me. I was so surprised I could only stand there while she carefully embraced me.

"Take care of each other" she whispered in my ear before she let me go.

I didn't know how to answer. So simply said, "May we meet again"

Kiki smiled again and bowed.

" _Until_ we meet again, Wanheda"

Kiki winked and then turned to walk away. Leaving me to ponder everything she'd said the entire walk to Lexa's room. Her caution was what worried me the most. I didn't like her warning to watch Titus. It seemed I wasn't the only one who didn't trust the flame keeper. I wasn't sure whether to try and bring it up with Lexa. It wasn't exactly our biggest concern right now.

I didn't bother knocking when I reached the commander's door. If Lexa had wanted to talk to me before then she'd surely be expecting me. Maybe she'd even sent Kiki to find me and tell me to come. What did worry me, however, was the complete lack of protection Lexa had around herself. There were no guards at her door. None in the corridors leading to it. And I couldn't hear her talking to her bodyguards or Titus inside her room.

 _Maybe she's not here?_ , I thought pausing outside, not believing Lexa would leave herself so unguarded right after an assassination attempt.

I looked around the corridor again before I slipped quietly into the commander's room. I wasn't expecting to find Lexa. I believed too much that she was somewhere else and protected.

So it amazed me when I looked forward and found her straight away.

Lexa was sat alone on the floor at the foot of her bed, with hands relaxed on her crossed legs and eyes closed in a concentrating expression. I almost laughed.

 _You're seriously meditating?_

I rolled my eyes to myself looking down at her. Lexa seemed pretty calm considering everything that had happened today. Really I shouldn't have been so surprised. It was typical of Lexa to smile in the face of death.

I closed the door quietly behind myself and walked over to the bed, stopping by Lexa's crossed legs. She didn't seem to notice me. Or she did and was ignoring me anyway. I watched her still calm expression, with annoyed eyes dropping slowly out of their hardness and into more of a fond gaze. I'd never seen Lexa so relaxed. It was relieving to see really.

 _Focus,_ I told myself when I found myself wanting to see her look like this more often.

I shook myself and looked down on her seriously.

"Somebody tried to kill you today" I began annoyed that she was still ignoring me.

Lexa began to smile, causing my heart to flip.

"You're angry about the kill order" she stated calmly back.

 _No, I'm angry somebody tried to kill you._

I bit my lip to hold my true feelings back.

"Yes"

Lexa softly sighed. She opened her eyes and looked up at me. She looked so calm. She looked at me with deep green eyes set warm and soft on my face. Like she was afraid to look at me any other way. I felt my own look back to her relax. Until I was pretty sure I was watching her the same way. Lexa's eyes ran over my face while mine took in the way her features looked gentler in the candlelight. Hers looked like they were trying to scan every inch of me, they even looked watery.

Seconds later Lexa slowly blinked and returned to her usual Heda look.

"How else would you have me enforce a blockade?"

She was looking up at me with an open expression that said she'd had no other option. I understood that. But I couldn't help but still be angry for it. It was my people's lives after all.

I sighed reluctantly knowing how this conversation was going to end. So I didn't even bother arguing it. Just skipped to the end.

"So when do we have to leave?" I asked as she pulled herself to stand in front of me.

Lexa looked back at me blankly. But I'd come to know that look was her secret one for confusion. Which surprised me.

Had she not seen this coming?

"We may be drawing a line..." Lexa turned to me looking shy and hopeful, "But who's to say you can't choose to stay on this side of it?"

 _She wants me to stay,_ I realised staring with wide eyes that sought and locked her nervous green ones.

My heart lifted in my chest knowing I was right and a smile slowly climbed over my mouth. A smile she shyly returned until we both heard footsteps loudly approaching the door behind me.

I heard Titus' voice sharply giving an order to somebody to guard the door.

I gave Lexa a brief irritated look.

"I know someone who might" I muttered to her just as Titus let himself into the room.

I saw Lexa's amused smile before I stood back to stand at her side while Titus slowed his approach to her. He glanced between us suspiciously again like he had the last time he'd found me in here without his knowledge. I could see his dark eyes blacken angrily, flashing with his thoughts as he measured the distance between me and Lexa and tried to work out what we'd been discussing. If we'd been talking at all that is.

The flame keeper cast Lexa a short look before he bowed his head to her and then turned to me.

"Wanheda, blockade goes into effect at dawn" He informed me shortly, "I've made arrangements for you to take one of our fastest horses"

 _Of course you did,_ I thought, forcing myself to look thankful, _I bet you can't wait to get rid of me._

"Thank you" I told him graciously with much more respect than I thought he deserved. I remembered seeing him acting strange before and what Kiki had said. I didn't want to give Titus a reason to throw a knife into my face if I could help it. Not until I was prepared to shoot him back.

I turned to excuse myself so I could go and prepare Octavia and Monroe to leave Polis. Octavia would be happy and eager to leave. But I knew Monroe might fight against my decision. She'd found a home here. I felt terrible ripping her away from it.

As terrible as I did ripping myself away.

"Actually, I've asked Clarke to stay in Polis as my guest"

Both Titus and I turned back to look at the commander. I stared at her in surprise. I'd never thought she'd outright tell him like that. I couldn't help but give her the tiniest of smiles behind Titus' back.

Titus on the other hand didn't look at all happy.

He turned to shortly ask, "Clarke, will you excuse us?"

I looked back at Lexa, who tipped her head to say it'd be okay.

"Sure" I started backing away, with a look for Lexa to ask she be careful around Titus and what she told him. He seemed calm but I felt this bad vibe around him.

I just didn't trust him. Especially not with Lexa.

The guards opened the door for me and I walked through them releasing a heavy breath the moment I was outside. I heard the doors close behind me and turned hearing the flame keeper's voice drifting muffled through the door. The guards watched me suspiciously when I didn't immediately leave. I gave them equally suspicious looks back. They were the same two guards Titus had been speaking with earlier.

 _What the hell..._

"You take orders from Titus?" I looked to the older of the two. He didn't respond, "What did you talk about earlier?"

"I would leave," The guard warned me darkly, "Before Heda notices you eavesdropping"

I ignored him. I wasn't afraid of Lexa like he was. But what he said reminded me of the conversation the commander was currently having with her flame keeper inside the room. I was too curious not to listen. Not that the two grounders were trying to mask their talk. Their voices were easy to hear through the door.

"...Your kill order must be fully enforced" Titus was telling Lexa angrily, "If you care for Clarke, you will send her home. It is the only way that she will be safe"

I looked down through my annoyance at the flame keeper's attempt to use me to emotionally blackmail Lexa. Everybody was saying that I was safer outside of the city. But what made them think they were right?

 _I'm not safe anywhere,_ I thought numbly.

 _"Don't make me warn you again"_ The guard grunted down at me.

He tilted his body and brought his spear up to nudge me away from the door.

"Shh!" I snapped back at him and leant closer to the door.

He fidgeted not knowing what to do. I ignored him. Titus was speaking again. Quieter this time.

"Don't make her pay for your mistakes, as Costia did" I heard him say.

I stared at the door when Lexa immediately began a low growl of a reply that quickly turned into her yelling back at him.

It made me jump and the two guards either side of me shift uneasily. Lexa sounded absolutely furious, the angriest I had ever heard her. And I didn't blame her. I felt it too. I was shaking and having to bite my tongue to keep from storming into the room myself to shout the flame keeper down too. Especially when Lexa yelled in detail about how Costia had died.

The shock of finally knowing and the raw hurt in Lexa's voice roaring at Titus made my heart flinch. She sounded so hurt the same time she sounded angry. All of a sudden I understood why Lexa was so shut off from her feelings. And it made me even angrier. Because Titus had surely used this against her before. Had manipulated her into believing that having feelings was the cause of her girlfriend's death, like her love was some curse.

Very suddenly I wanted to make Titus hurt like he was hurting Lexa right now.

I felt myself glaring furiously as I forced myself to walk away before I heard Titus say more. I wouldn't stand there and listen to him further torment Lexa with her past just to get her to see reason and do things his way. Not when it wasn't needed. He'd made his point.

* * *

"She told you you can stay, didn't she?"

I refused to meet Octavia's eyes when she questioned me the second I'd calmed down enough to enter her room to speak with her about how my talk with Lexa had gone.

"What did you say?" She pushed impatiently.

"Nothing" I mumbled back.

I finally glanced up to find Octavia looking at me like she didn't believe me.

"Clarke, we both know that Pike won't obey the blockade. We need to stop him before more of our people get killed"

I knew she was right but at the same time I didn't want to leave Polis. Not when I didn't know if I would ever come back. Or if I'd ever see Lexa again. One assassination attempt had been made. How many more might happen? And Titus? What if he turned her completely against us while I was gone? What if he continued to hurt her like I'd heard before?

I wanted to stay to protect her. In whatever way I could.

"What if I can do more for them by just staying here?" I tried still refusing to meet Octavia's eyes.

"You can't, Clarke!" She answered angrily, "We don't have time for this! Look. We need you"

I could feel Octavia looking at me hard and could tell that her expression had turned harder seeing me look doubtful.

"The kill order goes into effect at dawn. You have an hour to say your goodbyes. If you're not there, you're not the person I thought you were"

I did look up then. She was glaring at me angry like I'd betrayed her by wanting to stay and help from inside Polis. Probably because she could see straight through me and knew the real reason why I was reluctant to leave. It made me feel guilty. Because she was right. We didn't have time but I was still wasting it trying to hold on to something I knew wasn't possible.

Octavia held my eyes a moment longer before she slung a bag over her shoulder and stormed around me. I didn't know where she was going but I knew better than to go after her to calm her down. She was mad at me and I deserved it.

I sighed frustrated to myself when the door slammed behind her and walked forwards to collapse into a chair by the window. I stared tiredly up at the sky. I knew what I had to do. I just didn't want to do it.

 _Your people need you_ , my head shouted sternly.

 _Lexa needs me!,_ my heart argued in a fainter voice.

I was struggling. I wanted to do what was right for my people. But selfishly I wanted to do what was right for myself too. Besides, maybe Octavia was wrong. Maybe I could be a better influence from inside Polis. I could talk to Lexa. I could talk to the other clan leaders. Inside Arkadia I was a target. One that would likely be arrested the second I showed up at the gate. Outside I was free, a voice of reason. Here I was an asset.

Right?

I sank back in my chair and groaned up at the ceiling. Why did this have to be so hard?

I thought about my people, about how they did need me. How they may not listen to Kane but they would listen to me. The one who had kept their kids alive. Had lead them through the battle at Mount Weather. Who had gained back their children and kept the supposedly ruthless leader of the enemy an ally to them. To most Kane would always be the councilman who had thrown their kids to the ground. I would always be the one who saved them. I'd be the one they listened to. The only one.

I had to go back.

And I had to tell Lexa.

I exhaled heavily and forced my eyes not to water with the rise in emotion inside of me. Slowly I pulled myself out of my chair and fought off the reluctance of my feet moving across the room. I felt numb as I walked through the tower, up towards Lexa's room. Every step I was taking was heavy and hard. The whole way my heart felt like it was going to burst on my chest. I'd never felt so choiceness before. I'd been held against my will a couple times but it'd never felt like this. Like I couldn't fight this time. The pain was incredible.

I strode up to Lexa's abandoned door and let myself inside. I gazed about the room as I quietly closed the door behind myself and walked forward. Taking in all the trinkets and books and candles that held Lexa's personal touch. I knew I was going to miss this room most of all out of everything else in Polis. I'd miss the soft click the door made behind me. I'd miss sitting on Lexa's couch. I'd miss the soft feel of a page reading her books. And the sweet smell of the candles burning, and their flickering whenever a breeze entered through the window. I'd miss the texture of the furs under my feet walking towards the bed, and all the colors I could see in the detail of the carvings in its frame.

Quiet footsteps rounded the other side of the bed, stopping my nostalgic study. I glanced up and into the eyes of the commander slowing her approach to me. I swallowed against the fresh pain in my heart as my eyes grazed all over her face. Slowly. For the last time.

Lexa's eyes had lost their usual brightness. Her expression was sombre as she looked back at me. She looked exhausted and wrung out.

Her hand slowly left its job of securing her hair over her right shoulder to fall and hang limp at her side. She came closer and the light cast an even sadder glow on her face as she looked me in the eye.

She looked so beautiful. It wasn't fair.

"When do you leave?"

I breathed deep around the hurt that came when she said it so sorrowfully.

I forced my voice steady and held her sad eyes, "Now" I took a step closer when she nodded accepting my answer, "I'm sorry" I husked regrettably.

Lexa gave a slight smile, "Don't be. You have to go back"

I looked away with my wish for things to be different. I didn't want to go back. She had to know that, right?

 _Tell her now_ , my heart thumped, begging me to share my feelings for her. But I couldn't.

"They're your people" Lexa was saying in a soft voice, "That's why I-"

I glanced up when she caught herself mid sentence. Lexa was looking at me scared, like she'd almost said something she shouldn't have. I stared back at her. What had she been about to say?

 _Say it..._ I begged her keeping myself calm while I waited for her to speak again. Lexa was looking down at me so deeply. My heart started pounding inside me, _Say it! Say you feel all this too!_

I saw Lexa swallow before she returned to her slight smile.

"That's why you're you" She said calmly.

I felt my pounding heart stop and thud a slower beat. Lexa tried to look still but I could tell she was struggling with this goodbye too. I knew she was trying to hide herself. She couldn't say what she wanted, and neither could I. It wasn't fair.

I saw her look away with pain in her eyes. I couldn't stand it.

I tilted my body a little and leant towards her, "Maybe some day you and I will owe nothing more to our people"

Lexa's eyes flickered all over my face, as if she was memorising every last detail. She knew what I really meant. I could see it in those green eyes blurring back at me.

I saw her chest shake a little and her lips purse before she gave me another slight smile and nodded curtly.

"I hope so" she husked and looked away from me to rapidly blink. And it was so painful. Because now I could see how much this hurt her. Now I could see her struggling to control herself. She wanted me to stay but she wouldn't beg because she was heda first.

 _Fight it!_ , my heart pounds, at her and me. It wanted us to forget our people. It wanted us to think about us for once.

 _I can't,_ I tell it miserably, _We can't._

Lexa looked back at me through the silence with clearer eyes. She raised her hand to me. I looked down at it and gently grasped her forearm. She stared down at me, her thumb brushing along my arm gently in a way that had tingles spreading through my body. Her eyes were clouding over again in sadness. They looked down at me as if she'd never see me again.

My heart shook wondering if she would.

"May we meet again" she whispered sorrowfully and I just couldn't ignore the sudden memory flash I received reminding me of the last time I'd heard her whisper those words. Just as sad. Just as hopeless. It felt like a lifetime ago. I'd been so angry and betrayed hearing her speak the goodbye. And now..

Now they made more sense. Now I understood.

I felt tears fill my eyes but I forced them back. I wouldn't cry.

I nodded wordlessly at Lexa and squeezed her arm. Her smile lifted a little at the corners of her mouth, and her eyes gleamed in proud understanding. In them I saw her accept this. I saw it hurt her. I saw her take it.

And I saw her again thinking when she would see me to say those words again.

My heart started to drum inside my chest thinking it too.

I didn't think as I grasped her arm tighter and pulled her forward to me. I didn't think when I stepped forward and raised my other hand to the back of her head so my fingers could slip between the soft curls of her hair and pull her towards me. For once I didn't think. And it was freeing almost.

Lexa's body moved pliantly in my grasp. I felt the strong heat of her body and smelt the ever intoxicating aroma of her skin. Then I felt the long awaited feel of our lips finally touching again.

She gasped softly when I kissed her. And it sounded so innocent and afraid and relieved and hopeless all at once. Completely and utterly vulnerable. I felt broken hearing it.

I moved into her the moment she let go of my arm so she could cup my face. Her warm hands stopped just short of my jaw, holding it so very gently with just her fingertips, but moved away to palm my neck instead. Like she was scared she might break me. My right hand moved at the same time. It touched on the back of Lexa's hip to drag her closer to me while my lips moved stronger over hers. Lexa returned the kiss gently, almost nervously.

And the whole time I felt like crying.

Ours lips slowed to a brief stop after a short moment. Lexa moved her head back after with tearful green eyes locking mine. Her lip trembled while she breathed quickly. She looked so upset when she stared back at me. Like this parting was crushing her. I watched a single tear roll free of her and it broke me seeing it slip down her cheek.

I leant forward again against her weakly holding me back and I kissed her again, with lips searching to soothe her of this pain we shared. When I tasted the salty tang of the tear catch the corner of my mouth I nearly cried myself.

Lexa kissed me desperately this time, knowing that this was our last chance to show we felt this way. And it was something I miserably re-realised when she moved back a second to nudge our noses together, finally finishing that first kiss she'd started in her war tent months and months ago, before titling her head again and kissing me more.

My heart charged in my chest while my head told me to slow down and think about this. This wasn't the time. I had to leave.

I ignored it. I wanted to be selfish for once. I wanted to put me first. I wanted to put her first. I wanted us both to forget about wars and sides and our people. I wanted to know what it felt like to be us without pressure and burden. Without secrets and walls. When we let ourselves do whatever the hell we wanted.

I just wanted Lexa.

Lexa's lips pressed gentler over my mouth and I felt her shake in my hold while my fingers went for the ties at her neck. I leant forward some more when it felt like she was hesitating, kissing her harder and backing her up a few steps as I pulled the material of her halter shirt free and followed its decent down her body with my hands. My palms pressed over her bare shoulders, sliding the shirt further down her arms exposing more and more of her soft hot skin. My left hand moved to her back while she drew her mouth back just to tilt her head left and kiss me deeper. I exhaled a gasp then, enjoying the way her tongue slid across my bottom lip before she tilted her head away again. My hand clutched at her back when she repeated herself.

Lexa arched up the slightest bit. And her hands pressed the tiniest bit harder on the sides of my neck. Causing a warm shiver to pass down my back in return. Her mouth kept direction of our kiss, keeping it slow so she could savour every last second of it.

She gasped again letting me turn her into a quick walk towards the bed. Her eyes flashed up at me unsure, scared almost, the moment she moved away from me to walk unaided. I followed and stared down at her as she sat down over the furs. Her hands slipped down my arms to hold mine loosely. She squeezed them gently while I strode closer and bent down a fraction toward her.

Lexa's dark and still glittering eyes searched mine deeply. Asking if I was serious. If I was finally ready. Hoping that I was. And telling me I still had that choice to walk away.

I smiled down at her.

I'd never had a choice when it came to Lexa.

Never.

So I leant down with my answer and kissed her tenderly, letting her firmly cup the back of my neck so she could pull me down and fold me up against her chest as she fell back into the furs. She didn't say she was happy for my answer. She didn't need to. It was evident in her lips leaving mine after a short moment to brush down and press into my neck. It was clear in the breathless way she moaned and hid her face into my shoulder with my fingers treading slowly down her naked shoulder to her side. And it was pretty obvious in her hands slipping up beneath my shirt to carefully clutch at the warming skin on my sides.

I smiled into her hair and let myself enjoy her for a moment. Arching and sliding against her body while her kisses pressed hard against my harder heartbeat. She'd never touched me like this before. Always we had distanced ourselves from temptation. Even in our weakest moments. But now her fingers moved with precise intent and I never denied her anything.

"Clarke..." she hummed against my skin in a low whispering timbre that had me shaking above her. She said it like a prayer. Like it was the last thing that could save her.

I looked down at her tilting her head back to look at me. I took in the perfect way she seemed to glow when the beams of sunlight breaking through the wall behind us crept around me to light up her face. And the way her hair had fanned a little around her right shoulder on the furs. Then I took in the smouldering forest of her still watery eyes that every so often leaked another tear down her face.

She gazed back at me in silent wonder. I watched her brow knit in pain. Her hand raised to my face when I moved to lean on my elbow over her. I felt her thumb brush down my cheek. Lexa smiled sadly at the tear she'd caught there before she stretched up to kiss me.

I opened my mouth at the first flick of her tongue on my lip and moaned with her feeling it tentatively move in to touch mine. Lexa kept kissing me, kept moving her tongue with hypnotising slowness into my mouth, not allowing me yet to push and explore her mouth too. And all the while her hands were tugging tightly at the hem of my shirt, pulling it up from my waist. She wanted it off. And I did too.

I leant backwards to sit up over her, and I smiled at her abrupt sit up after me as I gripped the bottom of my top. Lexa's hands brushed over mine. She gently pulled me into another hard kiss while she removed the shirt. I was breathing hard when I leant away and flung it aside. I paused my immediate rush back to her lips when I saw her expression. Lexa was frozen staring at my body like she was in shock.

I looked down at myself not understanding.

I saw her hand rise to touch the puckered pink skin on my left arm. Her fingertips lightly grazed over the ridging of the brand scar. I bit my lip watching her take in what she'd done to me. She looked so guilty.

"Clarke.." she husked thickly looking down with fresh tears sliding down her cheeks.

"Hey.." I tipped her chin up and kissed her, "It's okay" I whispered against her mouth.

Lexa's lips trembled under mine a moment before she leant back with nervous eyes. The fingers on her left hand dug gently into my thigh while she stared up at me. She was still unsure. So I cupped her damp cheek and kissed my permission. But still she hesitated. Changing tactics I snatched away her hand from my arm and pulled it up, sliding it slowly over my shoulder down to my chest so she would take the hint.

Lexa tipped her head away to break our kiss and looked down to her palm slowly moving down my chest. Her fingertips dug a little on the healing cuts on my collarbone, making me gasp and shake. Her eyes filled with shame seeing them. I touched the back of her neck and rubbed my thumb in circles against it to let her know it was okay. Her eyes closed as if in pain and my breath caught seconds later when she bowed forward and pressed her mouth to the wounds.

"I'm sorry" she whispered guilty into my skin as she swapped sides and kissed the other cuts too.

 _I forgive you,_ I thought straight back.

My arms moved to encase her against me while her tongue swiped warm and wet over the cut closest to my throat. Her face pressed harder into my front and she moaned softly into my skin feeling my hands pull her shirt up her back, scratching her lightly in the process. Lexa immediately leant away to let me pull it off, leaving her bare before me. Before I could absorb the beautiful sight of her naked torso or even touch it she'd moved her hands to the lower part of my back and snatched my mouth into a heated kiss that distracted me completely, giving her time to carefully lift me from her lap and roll us down into the furs again.

Lexa hovered over me a moment this time, taking me in with a smile before she dipped down.

 _"Clarke from skaikru"_ she whispered kissing down my neck.

I gasped back at her feeling her teeth nip my skin. Suddenly I couldn't breathe. She was everywhere. Her hands were pulling my pants off. At the same time her mouth was travelling down my chest and stomach, hip, thigh... Every bit of skin that was open and revealed to her she recovered with her mouth. And it felt so slow and so tender I almost couldn't stand it.

 _I think I love you!,_ I think at her, gasping louder as her kisses slowed and concentrated back just below my hips.

I could feel my blood pumping wildly through my veins feeling her mouth inch by inch go lower and lower. And it didn't help my thoughts from screaming louder. I had to bite my lip to keep myself from speaking them aloud. To keep myself from feeling scared. My heart was pounding inside me while I lifted my lower half into Lexa's gentle kisses. It was begging me to just say it already. To tell her. But I didn't. I couldn't.

I kicked off my boots before Lexa got my pants down any further. She briefly stood off the bed to yank them over my feet. I twisted myself against the furs at the same time so I was lying along them properly. Lexa stared down at me and I swear I could feel the path her eyes took raise a fire on my skin. She took a step forward to come back to bed but stopped to raise her hand to her forehead to remove the cog that symbolised her status as Heda. She set it down beside the bed and then looked back down at me with a soft smile.

I smiled back appreciating what it meant and hooked my finger at her. She clambered back on the bed after to lay over my waiting body with an eager grin I couldn't help but kiss. Her body pressed hard into mine the moment my head tilted and my tongue pushed past her lips. Lexa started arching and rubbing down into me. The friction of her pants against my bare skin made me moan breathlessly into her mouth.

"Clarke" she groans feeling my hands move between us to pull her pants down her hips.

She kept one hand braced against the furs by my head while the other moved to assist my desperate removal of her pants. She kissed me fiercely the moment we'd gotten them mostly off and my hands slid back up to palm her ass. I moaned in surprise and then smiled wide when Lexa's body danced against me suddenly. She started gasping when my hands curiously squeezed the warm firm flesh sitting in them.

Lexa groaned then and leant forward, detaching our lips from one another. She nudged her face away when I tried to kiss her again. Her hands held my face still. I leant back against the furs and watched her. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she was thinking hard about something. After a few seconds her neck bent and her face came closer. She kissed my chin and then nudged our noses, exhaling slowly against my lips.

I touched her wrist when she stayed there like it a moment. Lexa responded by pressing her head against mine. She frowned hard to herself. I saw her lick her lips and swallow before looked down at me with lusting dark eyes. I felt my own stare hungrily back at her.

A second of mutual desire and understanding passed between us and then Lexa was letting me grab her to flip us over.

* * *

I was still trying to fully process that I had the great commander of the grounders laying naked and bare beneath me. My head was all over the place while my hands and mouth were all over her.

Lexa's skin tasted so soft and so sweet beneath my hungry mouth. I couldn't stop myself from smothering it in hard kisses that raised small red patches on her skin the lower down my mouth went. I kissed across her clavicle. Licked down the middle of her chest. My nose nudged and skimmed back up the curve of her left breast while my left hand moved to cover the other. Lexa was biting down hard on her lip when I glanced up at her. I felt myself smirk before I deliberately dragged my tongue up to just flick her taunt nipple. Her hard gasp and lean back into the bed was exactly what I'd been hoping for.

Lexa began wriggling beneath me while I drew out the attention I was giving her boobs. I couldn't help it. They tasted so good, and felt so perfect in my hands. Like they'd been made especially for them. But even I couldn't deny the insatiable need I felt to really taste her.

I started hurrying down her front again, skipping past my desire to press my hands all over her perfect hard abs to instead press around the tops of her thighs. I gently parted her legs and moved myself down, setting my knees between her warm open thighs. Lexa sat up before I could finish kissing down her stomach. I felt her hand move into my hair to pull my head back and then her mouth taking mine. My hands moved around her back when she cupped my face and hungrily devoured my lips. I felt her heat against my thighs grow hotter when I gripped her hips and pulled her body down so that she was pressed right up against me. A deep starved moan left my throat feeling her slick warm centre slide and push against my leg. Lexa gasped over me. Her hands on me tightened a little too hard but I hardly cared when she started grinding herself down onto my thigh.

"Shit!" I whispered to myself watching her head tip back and her teeth bite her lip. I couldn't stand too long of it. There was a hard ache taking home between my own legs watching Lexa pant and moan. Feeling her soak herself against me made me wet and thirsty.

I pushed my hand through her hair and took a gentle grasp of it. I kissed her hard as I guided her down to her back again. My tongue plunged into her mouth making her moan and then I was moving away to begin an immediate path back down to her hips. My teeth skimmed along the defined V leading below them. I'd planned to draw it out a little longer when her entire body shuddered beneath my hands. But I couldn't fight myself any longer.

I drew my left hand down her inner thigh, and I watched her fingers curl around the furs beneath her back when mine slid across and touched her. I felt my breath catch and my eyes shoot down feeling my fingers move with ease through her slick folds. I watched myself part them, swallowed hard gazing at her soft looking pink flesh.

"Clarke" she whispered pleadingly.

I closed my eyes a moment, soaking in the absolute perfect sensation of it all, before I shifted downwards and replaced my hand with my mouth. I wasn't prepared at all for how perfectly amazing she would taste. The moisture meeting my mouth was sweet and held a slight salty pitch to it and something else that was indescribably all Lexa. The second it hit my tongue I was lapping hungrily for more.

Lexa's hips rolled up and a loud groan left her feeling my lips kiss and suck at her damp folds. I felt her fingers tangle around my hair, her hand pushing my head down against her when my mouth found a new favourite place; her clit.

"This okay?" I asked her between the hard flicks of my tongue at the swollen mound. I tilted my head to look at her face and saw her frantically nodding back at me.

I smiled at her speechlessness and continued massaging her clit with my tongue, switching it up every so often to see what she liked best. For the most part Lexa was happy so long as my mouth stayed right where she needed it. But I noticed she liked it best when I alternated sucking and flicking circularly into her clit while I ran a finger up and down between her folds. She whimpered loudly when I switched my mouth for my fingers to catch my breath. I caught the faintest breath of a whisper above me begging me to carry on. I couldn't deny her so I returned my mouth and ran my finger down to her entrance. I looked up for permission before I slowly dipped the tip into her. Lexa sounded like she was struggling to breathe above me when I pushed further into her. I stopped knuckle deep and concentrated on moving my tongue faster over her clit. I quickly slipped another finger in beside the first when her hips bumped up into my hand and began slowly pumping them in and out.

I heard her gasp sharply in grounder. I had no idea what she said but it turned me on bad. I groaned over her clit, causing her thighs to tremble and close around me when it made my lips vibrate against her sensitive flesh. I gasped out in pain when they pushed on my branded arm. Lexa's hushed apology was lost on me when her fingers clenched tighter in my hair, pulling on it a little. Her hips kept rising and pushing down into my hand. I had to pin them down with my spare arm when her erratic moving kept threatening to dislodge my mouth.

Despite this Lexa's body rolled up with my hard sucking of her clit and I felt a definite flutter press against my fingers inside her. I looked up at her concentrating frown and smirked at the hard way she looked to be trying to stay quiet. But she can't. Not for this. Not for me.

I pressed a last kiss to her throbbing clit and moved upwards so I could catch her whimpering moan against my mouth. Her body smacked up into mine with her surprise and I felt her arms encompass my body to envelope me against her. I felt myself ache harder when she tenderly held me close. And I can't help but growl impatiently for her holding on still.

"Let go" I whispered into her ear before nipping at her neck.

Lexa shook beneath me in response and I looked back in time to see her nervously hesitating. I looked down at her gently. I wanted her to know it was okay. She shouldn't be scared.

Lexa rushed up receiving my tender gaze and grabbed the back of my neck to haul me into her. Between desperately rough kisses she growled a command at me. And I obliged obediently.

 _"Fuck!"_ She softly yelped rocking her hips down into my hand with its new speed.

I breathed a short smile before I ducked my head down to kiss at her shoulder. Her fingers squeezed in my hair some more as I did, tightening almost painfully when I rolled my thumb up to rub hard against her clit. Her quick gasps fed my hunger as I worked fast to please her. They made me think more daringly as I waited for her to come. But I stopped myself acting on them. I didn't want to overstep this in the first time.

I bit down into Lexa's shoulder realising this wasn't a first time. But an only time.

"Clarke!" She yelped in my ear.

I licked over the bite and then softly nuzzled the flushed warm flesh above it. Lexa's body arched up off the bed with the soft attention and I smiled hugely at her long moan of my name and the final flow of warmth falling past my fingers suddenly as she gave in to everything. I leant back to watch the ecstasy pass over her face and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

Her body shook as it descended back into the furs. The aftershocks of her climax rushed pleasantly around my hand. I pumped my fingers again a moment, softly stroking more out of her. Kissing her heaving chest as I did. She moaned again, softer, and I looked back up with the exhausted sound to see her smiling with closed eyes.

My heart throbbed and I heeded its pain quickly.

I moved myself up and kissed her gently, knowing she wouldn't be so responsive right now. Lexa pressed her lips lightly back and moved her hands to hold me flat against her. I shivered into her palm holding my hip down and she smiled into my lips. Lexa breathed deeply through our run of short kisses before eventually knocking her head back to pant gently to herself. I simply smiled and moved my head over and down to lick the sweat from the base of her throat. It's salty flavour on her skin had me aching harder but I ignored my body's hard demand for its own release to see to her.

"You're shaking" I whispered watching her skin tremble beneath my lips.

"It's cold" she answered weakly.

I looked up at her and knew from the glint in her eyes watching me hazily that in no way was she cold right now. Still, I wrapped a hand into the discarded furs beside us and pulled them after me as I moved myself off her. She froze a second and her eyes flicked about my face in question. She calmed when my hand curled her hip to direct her up onto her side. I positioned myself behind her after and tucked the furs over us. Then I wrapped my arm around her middle, pulling her back into my chest.

Lexa seemed pretty content being the smaller spoon. It had me laughing inside my head. I shouldn't have been surprised. Everything else I'd thought about her had been wrong. Why not this too.

"Warm now?" I smirked still amused. I started kissing her shoulder. Lexa shivered back and I laughed, "Guess not"

"Shh" she hushed back weakly.

I lifted myself hearing her tired reply and smiled at her closed eyes and slow breathing. I kissed her shoulder again, leaving her to sleep. It made me incredibly happy and proud to know I had wiped her out like that. Commander stamina be damned. Mentally I gave myself a high five.

I silently studied what little of her was exposed to my greedy eyes as she slept. Her hair. Her closed eyes. The perfect curve of her chin. The still glistening skin on her neck. The tattoos on her arm. I brought a finger up to trace down them, doodling along the black design of the commander's mark. I noticed in my study of it that it had grown since the battle of Mount Weather. Another band had been added. I wondered if it marked her victory in war. Maybe that was how commander replaced kill marks.

My finger drew back up to the top of the tribal ink and I thought what it symbolised if my theory was right. What first battle had won her this tattoo. I wanted to ask. But I knew I didn't have time to hear the story. I would have to wait until we saw each other again.

 _If we see each other again,_ I thought miserably to myself.

I closed my eyes to the pain in me. It hurt to know soon this would be a memory. Something to look back on in lonely nights back in my old room in the Ark. Something to think of while our people warred against one another again.

 _You'll see each other,_ my heart promised. In my head I was listening to Lexa tell me I had the choice to stay if I wanted.

But I couldn't listen. I couldn't let it persuade me to stay.

 _We drew the line,_ I told myself strongly.

 _Lines were made to be crossed,_ My heart argued as I looked down on the woman resting against my chest.

 _Yeah, but this one?_ , I questioned it as my eyes took in Lexa's sleeping.

 _Especially this one_ , It replied beating harder when Lexa sighed softly.

I let out a deep breath and looked to the sun fading in the window. I didn't have long. And it wasn't fair. I drew my finger up and down Lexa's arm, thinking heavily about what I was going to do. Octavia, Monroe and I would cross the boundary segregating Skaikru from the grounders, and then what? Would it be a welcome home or a traitor's death for us all?

I was just hoping I was allowed back to speak with Skaikru before anything was decided. If only to persuade them to spare my friends.

But what if they didn't listen? What if Pike had already put a kill order over my head?

 _Don't think about it,_ my heart mumbled, urging me to focus on right now.

I looked down fondly when Lexa shifted in my arms. She smiled in her sleep and breathed gently and contently against me. She looked so peaceful. I'd never seen her so relaxed before. Despite everything that was happening around us.

With a hard jolt I was brought back to my worrying. I couldn't forget the main issue here. Even though I wished I could.

"If Octavia and I are going to make it to the blockade in time then-"

"Shhh" she hushed over me again. Clearly she didn't want to ruin whatever thing she was dreaming about.

I smiled at her being carefree for once. It amused me to see her so relaxed. So I left her to her sleep and looked down at her back again. I settled back behind her and ran my finger lightly over the tattoo there, following its intricate lines down her spine towards the spheres dotting her back. My fingers moved through it slowly, counting the circles. It looked so delicate. I could only imagine the pain she'd endured having it hammered into her skin.

"This is beautiful" I said aloud without thinking. Lexa's skin shook beneath my touch.

"I got it on my ascension day" she shared in a husky tired voice, "A circle for every _nightblood_ that died when the Commander chose me"

I stared at the design again. I never would have thought it was meant to honour the kids she'd killed to become commander. I felt my heart bump for her. Clearly she'd felt something over killing to lead. Maybe young Lexa hadn't wanted to harm her friends. I touched the smallest circle and envisioned her cutting down a young girl or boy in the conclave. It made me shiver thinking about it.

"Seven circles..." I mumbled counting them with my finger. I frowned down at them, "I thought you said there were nine noviciates at your conclave?"

"There were" she mumbled quietly back.

"What happened to number eight?" I asked touching the clean skin beside the last circle.

Lexa was quiet. I could feel the change in her breathing. I remembered how she'd reacted in her people's temple when I'd questioned her about it all. She'd shut down then too. Whatever happened to the last nightblood at her conclave couldn't have been good.

I braced myself when she slowly rolled to her to be on her back beside me. She looked up at me with soft sad eyes.

"Can we talk about something else?" She whispered to me.

I looked down at her, at the pain in her eyes for my questioning her. I felt bad. I wanted to take her mind off it.

 _We have time,_ I thought to myself watching the low sunlight dance over her features.

"We don't have to talk at all" I husked back, slowly smiling at her, waiting for her to understand what I was saying. It didn't take long.

Lexa looked back at me, equally confused and hopeful, and then she started grinning. Her body tilted toward me the next second. She quickly leant up and kissed me, with lips pushing gentle nudges against my smile for me to lay down. I took the request and eased myself back into the furs while she leant herself over me, kissing me tenderly.

My heart was riding waves inside my chest. It pumped excitedly as Lexa moved her body against mine. Her knee pushed mine apart before she slid down to lay between them. I breathed slow feeling her hot centre briefly rub past mine. My hands gripped the back of Lexa's neck and her hip beneath the furs, encouraging her to do whatever she wanted. I was eager for her to lead this time. I was too curious to know what kind of lover she was when she had complete control. Was she as wild as I'd always imagined, or was the commander of the grounders softer between the sheets?

I pulled my other hand from her hip and up to her neck. And with fingers threading through her hair I dragged her down to me to find out.


End file.
